Sunday, November 18, 2007
Manila Rendezvous-Final
(Finally, the long overdue last sequel to Our Way Home on the Last Rendezvous Night and Manila- First Night)
And so we got into that large vehicle built with dark tinted windows after the jazz club. I led Ted by the hand and we made our way to the middle row of seats, leaving the first row of seats before us empty. His best friend, Sax sat in the passenger seat on the right next to the chauffer. It was a long journey home to where I was staying in the heart of the city. We must be in the outer suburbs.
Ted put his hand around my shoulder and I cuddled up to him. At times, we turned and stole kisses in the dark like high school students out on their first dates. Then I found myself climbing onto his lap and sat facing him as we continued our passionate pashing. All this while, Sax made no attempt to turn around to talk to us like how we were very interactive on the way to the jazz club. The chauffer and him had too discretely made themselves invisible from our private interlude.
At some stage, I found myself lounging languidly across the full length of the seat like the previous night, my body propped up against the window and my legs resting on Ted’s lap. I smiled at Ted lazily who eyed me lasciviously as he slid his hand between my legs and up my dress. His finger found its way underneath my panties as he inserted it into the moist private opening and began giving it pleasure. I smiled at him seductively…
Then Ted began to remove my panties and dropped it on the floor. Beaming cheekily, he hitched up my dress and lowered his head to bury his face between my legs. Then I felt his tongue doing the cunninglingus as I took deep breaths and bit my lips between moments of rising desires. As my head was still above level, every so often, my half-opened eyes wandered askance to ensure that neither the chauffer nor Sax made an attempt to stare longer into the rear view mirror than the usual required time or Sax to turn his head around to start a conversation. Rather “strangely”, I observed in the midst of my pleasure that Sax’s head was firmly glued ahead of observing the traffic before him.
Ted then pulled my dress back down to where it should sit and got up to the upright sitting position while I slung my legs down from the seat and sat up. I snuggled up to Ted and our tongues interlocked. My tongue strayed to lick his ear lobe lightly and I whispered into his ear in my helpless kitty voice, “Baby, would you like me to do the same?” Ted smiled sheepishly as he eyed me with his beady eyes and slowly, I smothered him with kisses and worked my way down south.
I found myself kneeling on the floor before him as I unbuttoned his fly with his impatient assistance. I lowered the tight elastic band of his CK boxers and freed his hard member that was all ready to spring to life. I put the hard rod into my mouth and began savouring it and licking it like a lollipop. I looked up at Ted cheekily every so often and to my amusement, I observed his facial expression as he sat in an upright position with one arm slung across the length of the seat in a leisurely manner, balancing his intervals of pleasurable moaning as he looked down at me with the forced façade of coolness or straight face perhaps for the benefit of his chauffer. He would by now have gotten a good full view of Ted’s contorted face of suppressed pleasure from the rear-view mirror. When I buttoned up his fly, I gave a laugh when I got up to French kiss him and cheekily let him have a taste of himself.
Ted began to lower me down to my lying down full-length across-the-seat position. I found him unbuttoning himself as he climbed on top of me. He rode my dress up high and penetrated me. He began pumping himself away, his body bobbing up and down from the back of the row of seats before us. Caught up in our own pleasure, Ted and I moaned away desirously as our breaths took turns to quicken. Ted started flipping me on my side as his tight and small built nimble body slid himself behind me in a similar sleeping Buddha position. He took me from behind and slipped his engorged beast inside me. He reached over to pull my dress at the front to minimise my private exposure. At one stage, I observed consciously from my half-opened eyes to ensure that neither the chauffer nor Sax was looking our ways or betraying expressions of knowledge from my view of their reflections on the windscreen. I could only detect facial expressions of “no expressions” (which probably told just as much;) )and was hoping that the loud external noise pollution from the busy traffic whisking by was more than enough to mask our mating call. The thrill of carnal indulgence with an audience within an enclosed moving environment and the fear of getting busted only sought to heighten my pleasure and excitement. I almost felt like I was seventeen again.
When we finally sat up side my side, I picked up my panties and put it on. I saw a mischievous sparkle in his eyes- Ted stood up with his exposed fly and dick in hand, he began swinging his beast away and gyrated his hips to do a debauched flash at our other travelling partners, especially the chauffer who would get a great full frontal view of Ted’s hardened specimen from the rear view mirror or possibly from the reflections of the windscreen. My heart skipped a beat as I pushed him to fall back on the seat. “Baby, don’t do that! You’re so naughty!” He chuckled and pulled me to his lips.
For the first time, we started to notice that there were quite a number of huge vehicles of trucks whizzing past. I came to realise that I could potentially have exposed myself many times over during romping and provided free porn to truck drivers on our right side in the left-hand drive traffic although our windows were tinted. The thought left me highly amused. Ted resumed his male chauvinistic air of nonchalance on his face, whilst between intervals he eyed the window on his right side filled with speeding truck traffic rather self-consciously. For some reason, he then indicated his thoughts by putting his palm over my privates in an over protectively manner, then he began to fuss over the length of my dress repeatedly by pulling it down and straightening it while looking out at the passing trucks on the right-side window.
I gave a little laugh and cuddled up against Ted with my head resting on his shoulder as he put his arm around me, eyeing me affectionately and kissing me lightly on cheek. When we finally reached my residence, my Fun Boy walked me to my room and tugged me to bed in his usual style, first not without another round of fun.
We haven’t seen each other since then.
(Finally, the long overdue last sequel to Our Way Home on the Last Rendezvous Night and Manila- First Night)
And so we got into that large vehicle built with dark tinted windows after the jazz club. I led Ted by the hand and we made our way to the middle row of seats, leaving the first row of seats before us empty. His best friend, Sax sat in the passenger seat on the right next to the chauffer. It was a long journey home to where I was staying in the heart of the city. We must be in the outer suburbs.
Ted put his hand around my shoulder and I cuddled up to him. At times, we turned and stole kisses in the dark like high school students out on their first dates. Then I found myself climbing onto his lap and sat facing him as we continued our passionate pashing. All this while, Sax made no attempt to turn around to talk to us like how we were very interactive on the way to the jazz club. The chauffer and him had too discretely made themselves invisible from our private interlude.
At some stage, I found myself lounging languidly across the full length of the seat like the previous night, my body propped up against the window and my legs resting on Ted’s lap. I smiled at Ted lazily who eyed me lasciviously as he slid his hand between my legs and up my dress. His finger found its way underneath my panties as he inserted it into the moist private opening and began giving it pleasure. I smiled at him seductively…
Then Ted began to remove my panties and dropped it on the floor. Beaming cheekily, he hitched up my dress and lowered his head to bury his face between my legs. Then I felt his tongue doing the cunninglingus as I took deep breaths and bit my lips between moments of rising desires. As my head was still above level, every so often, my half-opened eyes wandered askance to ensure that neither the chauffer nor Sax made an attempt to stare longer into the rear view mirror than the usual required time or Sax to turn his head around to start a conversation. Rather “strangely”, I observed in the midst of my pleasure that Sax’s head was firmly glued ahead of observing the traffic before him.
Ted then pulled my dress back down to where it should sit and got up to the upright sitting position while I slung my legs down from the seat and sat up. I snuggled up to Ted and our tongues interlocked. My tongue strayed to lick his ear lobe lightly and I whispered into his ear in my helpless kitty voice, “Baby, would you like me to do the same?” Ted smiled sheepishly as he eyed me with his beady eyes and slowly, I smothered him with kisses and worked my way down south.
I found myself kneeling on the floor before him as I unbuttoned his fly with his impatient assistance. I lowered the tight elastic band of his CK boxers and freed his hard member that was all ready to spring to life. I put the hard rod into my mouth and began savouring it and licking it like a lollipop. I looked up at Ted cheekily every so often and to my amusement, I observed his facial expression as he sat in an upright position with one arm slung across the length of the seat in a leisurely manner, balancing his intervals of pleasurable moaning as he looked down at me with the forced façade of coolness or straight face perhaps for the benefit of his chauffer. He would by now have gotten a good full view of Ted’s contorted face of suppressed pleasure from the rear-view mirror. When I buttoned up his fly, I gave a laugh when I got up to French kiss him and cheekily let him have a taste of himself.
Ted began to lower me down to my lying down full-length across-the-seat position. I found him unbuttoning himself as he climbed on top of me. He rode my dress up high and penetrated me. He began pumping himself away, his body bobbing up and down from the back of the row of seats before us. Caught up in our own pleasure, Ted and I moaned away desirously as our breaths took turns to quicken. Ted started flipping me on my side as his tight and small built nimble body slid himself behind me in a similar sleeping Buddha position. He took me from behind and slipped his engorged beast inside me. He reached over to pull my dress at the front to minimise my private exposure. At one stage, I observed consciously from my half-opened eyes to ensure that neither the chauffer nor Sax was looking our ways or betraying expressions of knowledge from my view of their reflections on the windscreen. I could only detect facial expressions of “no expressions” (which probably told just as much;) )and was hoping that the loud external noise pollution from the busy traffic whisking by was more than enough to mask our mating call. The thrill of carnal indulgence with an audience within an enclosed moving environment and the fear of getting busted only sought to heighten my pleasure and excitement. I almost felt like I was seventeen again.
When we finally sat up side my side, I picked up my panties and put it on. I saw a mischievous sparkle in his eyes- Ted stood up with his exposed fly and dick in hand, he began swinging his beast away and gyrated his hips to do a debauched flash at our other travelling partners, especially the chauffer who would get a great full frontal view of Ted’s hardened specimen from the rear view mirror or possibly from the reflections of the windscreen. My heart skipped a beat as I pushed him to fall back on the seat. “Baby, don’t do that! You’re so naughty!” He chuckled and pulled me to his lips.
For the first time, we started to notice that there were quite a number of huge vehicles of trucks whizzing past. I came to realise that I could potentially have exposed myself many times over during romping and provided free porn to truck drivers on our right side in the left-hand drive traffic although our windows were tinted. The thought left me highly amused. Ted resumed his male chauvinistic air of nonchalance on his face, whilst between intervals he eyed the window on his right side filled with speeding truck traffic rather self-consciously. For some reason, he then indicated his thoughts by putting his palm over my privates in an over protectively manner, then he began to fuss over the length of my dress repeatedly by pulling it down and straightening it while looking out at the passing trucks on the right-side window.
I gave a little laugh and cuddled up against Ted with my head resting on his shoulder as he put his arm around me, eyeing me affectionately and kissing me lightly on cheek. When we finally reached my residence, my Fun Boy walked me to my room and tugged me to bed in his usual style, first not without another round of fun.
We haven’t seen each other since then.
Monday, November 05, 2007
The Break Up
To: Coolios
From: P
Subject: We broke up.
Hi Coolios,
Y’day was DL’s birthday. We had a great time over the weekend and guess neither saw it coming on that day itself.
But it happened. No premeditation on it whatsoever. I think we were truly enjoying each other’s company. He wore new nice white shirt and I thought he was the handsomest man and we matched.
But somehow later into the night, we had a mini argument that quickly spiraled into something else. He thought he wasn’t making me happy enuff and was upset that I rejected his projected gift for next yr to give me $5000 to spend on a designer bag or pay towards the deposit of my apt. How could I-I told him?
He thought he could not make me happy and it pained him. On the other hand, I had other thoughts in my head. I’ve been more than happy with him but how could I be a taker and a taker when he’s been giving me so much? So later I told him-yes I’ve cheated on him too many times and I was an angry and pained person for a long time because I never got over the pain/ trauma for what he has done to me and I started a habit that I couldn’t stop, like a compulsive shoplifter.
But this yr, I felt I love him more and I was beginning to feel guilt and beginning to feel that I am not doing the right thing by him and by myself….
I need time out from us. He should focus on himself and I should focus on me. I feel that I’ve been running a marathon of two for too long that I haven’t quite taken care of myself and neglected me and hence, I found excuses and took excursions to cope and it has dawned on me that it wouldn’t work.
I never saw him lower than me and that he got it wrong (and it pains me). I am so proud of him- precisely the things he always felt that I never give him enough credit. I said maybe I hadn’t been great that way- I play the role of a mother, always critical in order to challenge but quietly proud. So maybe we did second guess each other wrongly all this while…
After all that I’ve told him about me, he was silently weeping and then he held out his hand for me. I knew he has forgiven me.
He wanted to move on from here but I told him I needed time out. I don’t expect him to wait for me but I want to take this chance to build myself up. And if we do one day end up being together again, I want it to be good. So it’s worth the risk. I just need to be alone for a bit and do my own thing… and I couldn’t give him a timeline and I wouldn’t want him to wait… for once, I wanted to be brave and be true to him.
My sister was really sad and so was DL. Early in the morning, he looked at my sis and he started crying…It breaks my heart.
When he finally left the house, I broke down and cried so hard and asked my sis if I had done the wrong thing by not taking my words back when he made it all so easy for me and take me back…
I know I’ve done the right thing but going forward, life without DL is something that I have to deal with and I’ll learn to cope…
Write or call him when you have a moment. Think he needs some support. Doesn’t help on sat that he got news that his sister is going through a divorce while we were having dinner. The sister told him to be sure about who he wants to get married etc etc (perhaps tired, jaded, broken pp talk like that when they see an end to their marriage) and he told her that things are looking great for him (he got into a global accounting firm btw with so many other offers he had to reject in his life)work and personally… and that nite at dinner, ironically too, I texted my best fren and told her how happy we are at that pt I cldn’t see myself ever telling him the truth and breaking up…
So u see, we both didn’t see it coming and it did- of all nights on his birthday celebrations…
But then again, maybe things did come full circle. The pandora’s box first opened exactly 4 years on his birthday and our way home from Fat Ass’s house…
P
From: Coolios
To: P
Subject: Re: We broke up.
Hi P,
So sorry to hear of this. Its so sad.. reading through your email is tough.. I always thought you guys have the most innocent of love. Always enjoying each other's company with no pretensions nor ulterior motives. A love thats pure and childlike in many ways. A love that will not be tainted by others and will live forever. But alas,... it is not to be..
Despite you guys' many ups and downs I never thought it will end.. There is one time i was speaking with DL at traders and we were talking about relationship.. I was saying what a dick i am.. taking things for granted.. being self centered and all that..
DL told me about his sacrifices and thoughts as well.. and I feel that he is a wonderful man albeit with a slight dark side.. a man that is so capable of loving at 100%..pure sacrifice and yet still habour a deep sinister side? .. But I feel that if you do not touch on his pain points then i feel that he might be the greatest man on earth.. who else can make teriyaki sauce like that!
However it is also with that deep sinister side that I fear for him moving forward.. When i went through my breakup i went into a tailspin.. A massive massive dive which i nearly couldnt recover.. I was very close to losing my job, my house, my respect.. everything.. and the fact that I couldnt and wouldnt give a damn about it makes recovery even tougher..
I am slightly recovering now and this week I'm initiating moves to buy over my ex share of the house. The journey isnt easy but I had a lot of love and support from friends and religion.. DL will need a lot of support now.. I dont think he can be as strong and determined as you to look forward and grind it through..
Maybe its destiny or fate that you guys will not be together.. only time will tell but looking from outside in.. I feel that maybe both of your top most priorities had so much of a gap that it is impossible to match. So much so that it resulted in disagreements and eventualyl this..
Maybe its for the best.. DL will not restrict your ambitions and you not restrict DL's interest in a laid back family oriented lifestyle.
But it is sure damn tough for now.. and its gonna be worse for DL.. I cannot imagine the pain that he is in now.. esp with his sister going through the same thing and I dunno if he would seek his sis support as well.. Its good you gardner support from common friends to help him as i think he really deserve all the help and good things he can get now..
Somehow maybe being a guy, I feel like i m siding with him and think that he is the victim here.. But i can and do understand his pain and suffering now.
Its funny that the whole group sort of lost their love eventually.. big ass, DL, me even Racer..(albeit a one sided love.. hee). We must have broken a mirror or two together somehow..
I wish you all the best and hope sincerely that you will achieve what you set out to have.. DL was the person who i felt can keep you grounded.. dont ever forget all the good that he had done and learn some of his ways.. like patience and compassion. Even though you say you never look down on him.. i feel deep inside you might have made him felt that way.. either in actions or feelings..
As i feel that you are the stronger one.. (as most dumper are), I think you'd eventually get over him albeit with a tinge of sadness and regret but I know you'd feel that its for the best.. I hope it is though.. i really hope so.. I'll try and see if i can email DL or sms him to ask how he is..
I'lll pray for you guys in church this week.
Regards,
Coolios
From: P
11/05/2007 12:01 PM
To: Coolios
Subject :RE: We broke up.
Hi Coolios,
Thanks for the reply. It makes me really sad reading through your email and I know you feel very strongly about it too…
No I’ll never forget the goodness of him-precisely that it is the goodness in him that I feel I cannot accept at this pt when my feelings for him run deeper than ever.
There is something humbling about my r/ship with DL, as in he taught me a few good things about life- the intangible aspect… like I somehow don’t think I gave that greatness in personality to deserve him and when I began loving him again this year, I question myself and knew that if my love is so true, I’ll do the right thing by him and be fair.
For once, I didn’t want to be a coward so I told him the truth and him forgiving me on the spot- he made it so easy for me and that was priceless. I’ll always hold it in my heart…
I need to walk this journey alone and not take the convenient route. I have too many things to sort out within me.
I always knew he was capable of great things (and I always drummed it in him and know he needed some pushing and momentum to get started) and his strength of character made him exceptional in my opinion-it’s like a gut feeling I have of pp and I am seldom wrong. But perhaps I don’t have that greatness in me to deserve it. And my only hope is to be true and be clear in my conscience.
Once, someone (with status) propositioned me to Asia. Well, it didn’t happen. But when we had lunch, he asked me what was it that was making me unhappy/ wrong about the relationship with DL? My reply instinctively was, “Because he is perfect and I am so imperfect.” The guy was weighing his options (cos I think he did felt that there was room to consider me as a potential serious partner given his perception of me being intelligent and looking the part). Time wasn’t on his side because I learnt later that he had proposed to his on-off gf (whom he had carefully omitted from our conversation but I have a vortex abt finding out info) and he said, “what about me?” He asked what if DL finds out about us. My reply was swift and instinctive, “I will kill myself.” And then, he knew it was a no deal for him and he bade his farewell with me. And it was true- for me to feel DL’s pain, it’ll be too much to bear. Just like how I tried coping alone over the yrs, along the way my dark side resurfaced thinking that we cd do with not raking the past… but it only sought to compound on the emotional burden and pain.
And then it did jogged my memory later about what the guy said that “men always like to seek a damsel” and perhaps I didn’t give him that sense that I was one. And feedback from other guys too so maybe over the years, I have unwittingly made DL feel very little of himself. Yesterday, I told DL I never meant to make him feel that way. I always seek to marry an equal and that was what I hope to achieve in our rship…
Another time, someone asked me if I could have accept that guy above and I said I couldn’t because he lacked greatness… when u have experienced greatness in one’s character, the rest do seem quite sub standard… DL is the only one with that and right now, I am not ready, I think….
Yes, please write or sms him. I think it's a time where he could do with your support. You are the only friend that DL and I know well and that we have strong regard for…
Let’s stay in touch and catch up when I return from xx/12/07 to xx/1/08…. could def do with a stiff drink.
P
To: P
From: Coolios
Subject: Re: We broke up.
Dear P,
I dont think i have his email address though.. would you have it?
Its so hard reading through your emails and yes i do feel very strongly about it.. even though i am not in your shoes i can feel the pain...
I sort of feel a lot of guilt from your emails.. is that how it is on the other side ( dumper )? Is the main reason that you broke up because of guilt that you felt towards his unending love and you not being to accept it? Or maybe its that you feel deep inside that if you accept his love.. you'd have to be reigned in and might not achieve as much as you want to achieve?
I tell ya.. success and money is all relative... love that is pure is absolute..
Money and success is easy to find.. love that is great is not.. some people spend their whole lives searching for it.. I sincerely hope you guys can find true love.
For now, nobody can tell if its a correct move.. maybe you'd move on soon.. find a guy who can help you cover the bridges, achieve success.. but the innocence of true love might never be there.. For that someone who would drive that 400 km every weekend.. that someone who would laugh and joke with you at your messy hair and pimples..for that someone who would drop everything at the hat.. for your wishes..
DL might never be capable of doing great tangible stuff..monetary or career success but he is damn successful as a person in my mind already.. maybe thats where your gaps are.. your expectations were never aligned, never communicated...
He will never be your equal as far as conventional career routes go.. but he can be successful in other ways.. its hard as you choose to let go now because it could have been so beautiful.
DL will be asking himself why he had bothered.. why? This will set him back 2 steps I tell ya.
Gimme also his physical address in Sad Town so I can send him some gifts.. a bit of Singapore comfort during this time in need...
Hope to see ya soon though in Singapore.. even though its with heavy heart..
Coolios
To: Coolios
From: P
Subject: Re: We broke up.
Hi Coolios,
His email address is xyz.com Home address is: Sad Town
Well, like I always said it’s never good being the dumper or the dumpee… I could never accept his love right now because like I tell him I have “unpure thoughts” or “za nian” in Chinese. And when I am ready (and maybe it’ll never come or maybe I’d have missed my boat), I want it to be great. I read a lot of philosophical bks that enable me to apply them to life. Despite how much I “get it” in my smart intellectual way, I must have not grasp it in a spiritual way like DL who internalise it(evident in his actions) and exemplifies with so much ease like its just there… I read the I-ching and it says that “Before brilliance, comes chaos”. I believe in that. I need to feel that breakthrough. I really want it to be great for us if we ever come together and losing him for good is the risk I take. I want so much for us and I build my ambitions around our joint lives like he does but right now, I don’t have the strength in me to see it through. Like I said to him, I could think about us 10 steps ahead, the future, the business that we want to build (and the diff btw u and me abt DL is that I truly BELIEVE in his capabilities) but the 1 and 2 steps ahead, I cannot see how my internal struggle cd make me achieve the breakthrough for us to do things in a bigger, better way jointly. I am handicapped/impaired by my own thoughts.
I hope it wouldn’t set him back. I truly hope not cos even when I uttered those words, I remembered my mind wandered to praying to someone up there to please not let him live in pain and cope well. As much as I didn't take the easy way out and take him back which will solve his and my problem to a large extent, I wanted both of us to know whether this love could be so real…
Right till the very end, we were still thinking for each other. I told him I dun know how I cd help him to cope or give him answers (as I am wont to) cos I dun know how. And him not going mental but took my confession calmly and asking me if it made me feel any better saddens me. How could 2 persons who love each other so much go so wrong?
Yes, money and success is easy to find. What I want to achieve and what we both seek to achieve takes years and takes a certain type of gravitaque and strength in character. And perhaps this is our test of faith or strength. Something we need to achieve alone and for him to give himself a chance to shine and not feel that he’ll always be executing my orders but ask himself what he really wants out of life. Perhaps if that day ever comes, we’ll have something going GREAT for the both of us… DL is a strong character like I do and he needs to do some hard yards alone… My journey in life is different from him and we need to grasp ourselves well before we could get there together and do the great stuff in life…
I went to so many clairvoyants and they all say the same thing and that perhaps DL is that soulmate in my life. I hold on to that thought and hope and so I leave it up to fate that perhaps our lives would converge again and my faith is when we are so READY, nothing could break us apart. But if things didn’t go that way, perhaps we’ll both have move on and learnt a few good things about life.
DL and I did give our r/ship the best shot. We truly did and I don’t know if I’ll have that energy ever again with another r/ship going fwd…so yes, he’ll always be a very special person in my heart no matter what…
We have greater battles and challenges to fight should we ever come together…But right now, we need time to heal and first figure ourselves and our paths out alone…
I have never walked a lonelier albeit braver journey… I feel his pain more than anything else…
P
To: Coolios
From: P
Subject: We broke up.
Hi Coolios,
Y’day was DL’s birthday. We had a great time over the weekend and guess neither saw it coming on that day itself.
But it happened. No premeditation on it whatsoever. I think we were truly enjoying each other’s company. He wore new nice white shirt and I thought he was the handsomest man and we matched.
But somehow later into the night, we had a mini argument that quickly spiraled into something else. He thought he wasn’t making me happy enuff and was upset that I rejected his projected gift for next yr to give me $5000 to spend on a designer bag or pay towards the deposit of my apt. How could I-I told him?
He thought he could not make me happy and it pained him. On the other hand, I had other thoughts in my head. I’ve been more than happy with him but how could I be a taker and a taker when he’s been giving me so much? So later I told him-yes I’ve cheated on him too many times and I was an angry and pained person for a long time because I never got over the pain/ trauma for what he has done to me and I started a habit that I couldn’t stop, like a compulsive shoplifter.
But this yr, I felt I love him more and I was beginning to feel guilt and beginning to feel that I am not doing the right thing by him and by myself….
I need time out from us. He should focus on himself and I should focus on me. I feel that I’ve been running a marathon of two for too long that I haven’t quite taken care of myself and neglected me and hence, I found excuses and took excursions to cope and it has dawned on me that it wouldn’t work.
I never saw him lower than me and that he got it wrong (and it pains me). I am so proud of him- precisely the things he always felt that I never give him enough credit. I said maybe I hadn’t been great that way- I play the role of a mother, always critical in order to challenge but quietly proud. So maybe we did second guess each other wrongly all this while…
After all that I’ve told him about me, he was silently weeping and then he held out his hand for me. I knew he has forgiven me.
He wanted to move on from here but I told him I needed time out. I don’t expect him to wait for me but I want to take this chance to build myself up. And if we do one day end up being together again, I want it to be good. So it’s worth the risk. I just need to be alone for a bit and do my own thing… and I couldn’t give him a timeline and I wouldn’t want him to wait… for once, I wanted to be brave and be true to him.
My sister was really sad and so was DL. Early in the morning, he looked at my sis and he started crying…It breaks my heart.
When he finally left the house, I broke down and cried so hard and asked my sis if I had done the wrong thing by not taking my words back when he made it all so easy for me and take me back…
I know I’ve done the right thing but going forward, life without DL is something that I have to deal with and I’ll learn to cope…
Write or call him when you have a moment. Think he needs some support. Doesn’t help on sat that he got news that his sister is going through a divorce while we were having dinner. The sister told him to be sure about who he wants to get married etc etc (perhaps tired, jaded, broken pp talk like that when they see an end to their marriage) and he told her that things are looking great for him (he got into a global accounting firm btw with so many other offers he had to reject in his life)work and personally… and that nite at dinner, ironically too, I texted my best fren and told her how happy we are at that pt I cldn’t see myself ever telling him the truth and breaking up…
So u see, we both didn’t see it coming and it did- of all nights on his birthday celebrations…
But then again, maybe things did come full circle. The pandora’s box first opened exactly 4 years on his birthday and our way home from Fat Ass’s house…
P
From: Coolios
To: P
Subject: Re: We broke up.
Hi P,
So sorry to hear of this. Its so sad.. reading through your email is tough.. I always thought you guys have the most innocent of love. Always enjoying each other's company with no pretensions nor ulterior motives. A love thats pure and childlike in many ways. A love that will not be tainted by others and will live forever. But alas,... it is not to be..
Despite you guys' many ups and downs I never thought it will end.. There is one time i was speaking with DL at traders and we were talking about relationship.. I was saying what a dick i am.. taking things for granted.. being self centered and all that..
DL told me about his sacrifices and thoughts as well.. and I feel that he is a wonderful man albeit with a slight dark side.. a man that is so capable of loving at 100%..pure sacrifice and yet still habour a deep sinister side? .. But I feel that if you do not touch on his pain points then i feel that he might be the greatest man on earth.. who else can make teriyaki sauce like that!
However it is also with that deep sinister side that I fear for him moving forward.. When i went through my breakup i went into a tailspin.. A massive massive dive which i nearly couldnt recover.. I was very close to losing my job, my house, my respect.. everything.. and the fact that I couldnt and wouldnt give a damn about it makes recovery even tougher..
I am slightly recovering now and this week I'm initiating moves to buy over my ex share of the house. The journey isnt easy but I had a lot of love and support from friends and religion.. DL will need a lot of support now.. I dont think he can be as strong and determined as you to look forward and grind it through..
Maybe its destiny or fate that you guys will not be together.. only time will tell but looking from outside in.. I feel that maybe both of your top most priorities had so much of a gap that it is impossible to match. So much so that it resulted in disagreements and eventualyl this..
Maybe its for the best.. DL will not restrict your ambitions and you not restrict DL's interest in a laid back family oriented lifestyle.
But it is sure damn tough for now.. and its gonna be worse for DL.. I cannot imagine the pain that he is in now.. esp with his sister going through the same thing and I dunno if he would seek his sis support as well.. Its good you gardner support from common friends to help him as i think he really deserve all the help and good things he can get now..
Somehow maybe being a guy, I feel like i m siding with him and think that he is the victim here.. But i can and do understand his pain and suffering now.
Its funny that the whole group sort of lost their love eventually.. big ass, DL, me even Racer..(albeit a one sided love.. hee). We must have broken a mirror or two together somehow..
I wish you all the best and hope sincerely that you will achieve what you set out to have.. DL was the person who i felt can keep you grounded.. dont ever forget all the good that he had done and learn some of his ways.. like patience and compassion. Even though you say you never look down on him.. i feel deep inside you might have made him felt that way.. either in actions or feelings..
As i feel that you are the stronger one.. (as most dumper are), I think you'd eventually get over him albeit with a tinge of sadness and regret but I know you'd feel that its for the best.. I hope it is though.. i really hope so.. I'll try and see if i can email DL or sms him to ask how he is..
I'lll pray for you guys in church this week.
Regards,
Coolios
From: P
11/05/2007 12:01 PM
To: Coolios
Subject :RE: We broke up.
Hi Coolios,
Thanks for the reply. It makes me really sad reading through your email and I know you feel very strongly about it too…
No I’ll never forget the goodness of him-precisely that it is the goodness in him that I feel I cannot accept at this pt when my feelings for him run deeper than ever.
There is something humbling about my r/ship with DL, as in he taught me a few good things about life- the intangible aspect… like I somehow don’t think I gave that greatness in personality to deserve him and when I began loving him again this year, I question myself and knew that if my love is so true, I’ll do the right thing by him and be fair.
For once, I didn’t want to be a coward so I told him the truth and him forgiving me on the spot- he made it so easy for me and that was priceless. I’ll always hold it in my heart…
I need to walk this journey alone and not take the convenient route. I have too many things to sort out within me.
I always knew he was capable of great things (and I always drummed it in him and know he needed some pushing and momentum to get started) and his strength of character made him exceptional in my opinion-it’s like a gut feeling I have of pp and I am seldom wrong. But perhaps I don’t have that greatness in me to deserve it. And my only hope is to be true and be clear in my conscience.
Once, someone (with status) propositioned me to Asia. Well, it didn’t happen. But when we had lunch, he asked me what was it that was making me unhappy/ wrong about the relationship with DL? My reply instinctively was, “Because he is perfect and I am so imperfect.” The guy was weighing his options (cos I think he did felt that there was room to consider me as a potential serious partner given his perception of me being intelligent and looking the part). Time wasn’t on his side because I learnt later that he had proposed to his on-off gf (whom he had carefully omitted from our conversation but I have a vortex abt finding out info) and he said, “what about me?” He asked what if DL finds out about us. My reply was swift and instinctive, “I will kill myself.” And then, he knew it was a no deal for him and he bade his farewell with me. And it was true- for me to feel DL’s pain, it’ll be too much to bear. Just like how I tried coping alone over the yrs, along the way my dark side resurfaced thinking that we cd do with not raking the past… but it only sought to compound on the emotional burden and pain.
And then it did jogged my memory later about what the guy said that “men always like to seek a damsel” and perhaps I didn’t give him that sense that I was one. And feedback from other guys too so maybe over the years, I have unwittingly made DL feel very little of himself. Yesterday, I told DL I never meant to make him feel that way. I always seek to marry an equal and that was what I hope to achieve in our rship…
Another time, someone asked me if I could have accept that guy above and I said I couldn’t because he lacked greatness… when u have experienced greatness in one’s character, the rest do seem quite sub standard… DL is the only one with that and right now, I am not ready, I think….
Yes, please write or sms him. I think it's a time where he could do with your support. You are the only friend that DL and I know well and that we have strong regard for…
Let’s stay in touch and catch up when I return from xx/12/07 to xx/1/08…. could def do with a stiff drink.
P
To: P
From: Coolios
Subject: Re: We broke up.
Dear P,
I dont think i have his email address though.. would you have it?
Its so hard reading through your emails and yes i do feel very strongly about it.. even though i am not in your shoes i can feel the pain...
I sort of feel a lot of guilt from your emails.. is that how it is on the other side ( dumper )? Is the main reason that you broke up because of guilt that you felt towards his unending love and you not being to accept it? Or maybe its that you feel deep inside that if you accept his love.. you'd have to be reigned in and might not achieve as much as you want to achieve?
I tell ya.. success and money is all relative... love that is pure is absolute..
Money and success is easy to find.. love that is great is not.. some people spend their whole lives searching for it.. I sincerely hope you guys can find true love.
For now, nobody can tell if its a correct move.. maybe you'd move on soon.. find a guy who can help you cover the bridges, achieve success.. but the innocence of true love might never be there.. For that someone who would drive that 400 km every weekend.. that someone who would laugh and joke with you at your messy hair and pimples..for that someone who would drop everything at the hat.. for your wishes..
DL might never be capable of doing great tangible stuff..monetary or career success but he is damn successful as a person in my mind already.. maybe thats where your gaps are.. your expectations were never aligned, never communicated...
He will never be your equal as far as conventional career routes go.. but he can be successful in other ways.. its hard as you choose to let go now because it could have been so beautiful.
DL will be asking himself why he had bothered.. why? This will set him back 2 steps I tell ya.
Gimme also his physical address in Sad Town so I can send him some gifts.. a bit of Singapore comfort during this time in need...
Hope to see ya soon though in Singapore.. even though its with heavy heart..
Coolios
To: Coolios
From: P
Subject: Re: We broke up.
Hi Coolios,
His email address is xyz.com Home address is: Sad Town
Well, like I always said it’s never good being the dumper or the dumpee… I could never accept his love right now because like I tell him I have “unpure thoughts” or “za nian” in Chinese. And when I am ready (and maybe it’ll never come or maybe I’d have missed my boat), I want it to be great. I read a lot of philosophical bks that enable me to apply them to life. Despite how much I “get it” in my smart intellectual way, I must have not grasp it in a spiritual way like DL who internalise it(evident in his actions) and exemplifies with so much ease like its just there… I read the I-ching and it says that “Before brilliance, comes chaos”. I believe in that. I need to feel that breakthrough. I really want it to be great for us if we ever come together and losing him for good is the risk I take. I want so much for us and I build my ambitions around our joint lives like he does but right now, I don’t have the strength in me to see it through. Like I said to him, I could think about us 10 steps ahead, the future, the business that we want to build (and the diff btw u and me abt DL is that I truly BELIEVE in his capabilities) but the 1 and 2 steps ahead, I cannot see how my internal struggle cd make me achieve the breakthrough for us to do things in a bigger, better way jointly. I am handicapped/impaired by my own thoughts.
I hope it wouldn’t set him back. I truly hope not cos even when I uttered those words, I remembered my mind wandered to praying to someone up there to please not let him live in pain and cope well. As much as I didn't take the easy way out and take him back which will solve his and my problem to a large extent, I wanted both of us to know whether this love could be so real…
Right till the very end, we were still thinking for each other. I told him I dun know how I cd help him to cope or give him answers (as I am wont to) cos I dun know how. And him not going mental but took my confession calmly and asking me if it made me feel any better saddens me. How could 2 persons who love each other so much go so wrong?
Yes, money and success is easy to find. What I want to achieve and what we both seek to achieve takes years and takes a certain type of gravitaque and strength in character. And perhaps this is our test of faith or strength. Something we need to achieve alone and for him to give himself a chance to shine and not feel that he’ll always be executing my orders but ask himself what he really wants out of life. Perhaps if that day ever comes, we’ll have something going GREAT for the both of us… DL is a strong character like I do and he needs to do some hard yards alone… My journey in life is different from him and we need to grasp ourselves well before we could get there together and do the great stuff in life…
I went to so many clairvoyants and they all say the same thing and that perhaps DL is that soulmate in my life. I hold on to that thought and hope and so I leave it up to fate that perhaps our lives would converge again and my faith is when we are so READY, nothing could break us apart. But if things didn’t go that way, perhaps we’ll both have move on and learnt a few good things about life.
DL and I did give our r/ship the best shot. We truly did and I don’t know if I’ll have that energy ever again with another r/ship going fwd…so yes, he’ll always be a very special person in my heart no matter what…
We have greater battles and challenges to fight should we ever come together…But right now, we need time to heal and first figure ourselves and our paths out alone…
I have never walked a lonelier albeit braver journey… I feel his pain more than anything else…
P
Labels: THE P-oignant Moments
