Saturday, December 01, 2007
Current State
I find myself crying or tearing on a daily basis of late…It has been getting a little more frequent to my great dismay.
Things haven’t been going great in general. Just got the work appraisal and it is not great. Let’s just say it was constructive feedback but not great. Positive in the longer term but short term outlook less than desirable. You see, I am worrying about the coming bonuses and my dwindling bank account what with unexpected responsibilities of being an older sibling.
Things at home haven’t given me enough comfort either, especially when you have a mum who has a way of giving you massive anxiety heart attacks when she starts talking angry about death and revenge and when you are a million miles away with your own problems to solve and little does she know that the daughter is seeing a psychologist to cope with her life… and then she starts telling you that you worry too much…
The thought of DL or Fluffball still tugs hard at my heart. Every so often, I hear people whingeing about their respective partners and I hear that voice in my head saying yet again, “My, DL will never do that to me…”
Someone asked me if there was regret to the break up. Well, not regret that I told the truth but regret that it could have been a great relationship if not for the past that led to a lot of resentment, frustration and emotional weariness. So guess it was inevitable isn’t it?
Some days, I wander on the streets and find myself biting my lips in time before the tears flow and know that if I had my bed and pillow there and then, I might sob so hard that perhaps I could never stop. That has been my greatest fear and so I grit my teeth and try my darnest to get on…
I thought I was doing so well but now I feel I am gradually confronting the peak of my depression. In two weeks, I will go back to our joint abode to pack up for good. An entire house filled with our shared items, photos and stuff I need to sieve out. Chances are most of my wardrobe and shoes will be donated to the nearby St. Vinnie’s… I know it’s going to be hell, the thought itself is already killing me…
The past few days, my depression was pushing back to the limit yet again. I swear I wish I were dead.
I find myself crying or tearing on a daily basis of late…It has been getting a little more frequent to my great dismay.
Things haven’t been going great in general. Just got the work appraisal and it is not great. Let’s just say it was constructive feedback but not great. Positive in the longer term but short term outlook less than desirable. You see, I am worrying about the coming bonuses and my dwindling bank account what with unexpected responsibilities of being an older sibling.
Things at home haven’t given me enough comfort either, especially when you have a mum who has a way of giving you massive anxiety heart attacks when she starts talking angry about death and revenge and when you are a million miles away with your own problems to solve and little does she know that the daughter is seeing a psychologist to cope with her life… and then she starts telling you that you worry too much…
The thought of DL or Fluffball still tugs hard at my heart. Every so often, I hear people whingeing about their respective partners and I hear that voice in my head saying yet again, “My, DL will never do that to me…”
Someone asked me if there was regret to the break up. Well, not regret that I told the truth but regret that it could have been a great relationship if not for the past that led to a lot of resentment, frustration and emotional weariness. So guess it was inevitable isn’t it?
Some days, I wander on the streets and find myself biting my lips in time before the tears flow and know that if I had my bed and pillow there and then, I might sob so hard that perhaps I could never stop. That has been my greatest fear and so I grit my teeth and try my darnest to get on…
I thought I was doing so well but now I feel I am gradually confronting the peak of my depression. In two weeks, I will go back to our joint abode to pack up for good. An entire house filled with our shared items, photos and stuff I need to sieve out. Chances are most of my wardrobe and shoes will be donated to the nearby St. Vinnie’s… I know it’s going to be hell, the thought itself is already killing me…
The past few days, my depression was pushing back to the limit yet again. I swear I wish I were dead.
