Restructure- on your own terms

I remember birthdays as a big deal when I was a child because I always had a birthday party.

This year, I declined Daisy's offer to help me organise my birthday with the usual group of people in Sad Town. It was pointless I told her because some people in the group are insincere anyway. I much rather be home alone  and just to wind down.

I recalled how my parents never made a big deal about birthdays and went about their daily business.i figured that was the way of an adult and I was determined never to be like them. Life and living were meant to be celebrated in style with a big she bang as are weddings.

Strangely, being on my own in Sad Town has made me a more "inward looking" person. I do feel rather grown up going about trying to make ends meet, pay my bills and mortgage and give my old and sick dog the palliative care she needs which pretty much takes up any of my free time and waking up at nights like a mum would with an infant just to make sure she is keeping safe and comfortable. And I must be feeling what my folks felt. (The other day whilst I was lazing on my couch, I had this moment of realization that I actually am paying for this house, feeding myself and my dog. I am actually doing this alone like what grown ups are meant to do. I have become that.)

I don't look forward to presents ( unless it is something I really want). Last year I wanted a campaign chair but didn't get one and this year I want nothing. Just that Rusty, my beloved old rescued dog could be kept healthy and strong so she would have a few more years with yours truly to make up for all the lost time in her early years as a neglected dog. This would be the greatest gift of all.

                        ******

I was on the bus on my way to work this afternoon and had flashbacks of my youth. The people whom I had shared the same birthday with. I thought of my primary school best friend who was born exactly the same day as me, just 3 hours earlier. I wondered what had happen to her. Would she be married by now and even have a family now? We drifted apart on our 16th joint birthday party after a falling out. She fell into bad company and it was obvious she put boys before friendship. So I knew that was it and with time, we lost contact.

Then I suddenly recall someone whom I thought I was never going to get over for the rest of my life. For eight years, I did even though this said person, Mr London and I  lived in different continents, set in different time zones. But not a day go by without me thinking and wondering about him and what he was doing at the other side of the world. Looking back, eight years is indeed a lot time. We shared the same birthday and I used to think in pain and angst every year when my birthday arrived, knowing that I was not over this boy . On our 19th birthday, we hung our with a group of friends the night before our birthdays. Sadly, he met a girl the night before at a party and she came along with him. They went home together and I was stuck with his guy friend who seemed to take an interest in me. I was beyond sadness, especially since I bought him a present ( a pen with his name engraved on it) and he bought me none. Worst still, I gave him a birthday card to which I had confessed my liking for him. Subsequently, he called me a number of times, which I avoided his calls not wanting to hear the much dreaded verdict that he might have well only treated me as a friend all these time. So I never ever found out what Mr London actually meant to say to me. Over the years, we let too many things sweep under the carpet and had built up this mammoth undercurrent that will never come to surface during this lifetime. Even when he looked me up in Paris and we walked along the Champs Élysées and sat at a cafe on one night and in a noisy club the following night, we sat in awkward silence ( and I am not usually tongue tied & good at putting up a brave act with my "oh so worldly charms") until we have had to call it a night...

So I amazed myself there when I suddenly recall that it was too his birthday yesterday. I was amazed at myself for forgetting and as many of you know, I forget very little, let alone someone who has had a profound impact in my life and heart...

So yes, I must be growing old like adults do. They start forgetting, get wearier and lacklustre with the mundane matters of their life, putting less heart into living which in turn, dim their once carefully cherished memories from their days of youth...