Friday, April 13, 2012
Growing Old at Heart
I feel I have grown older. Not only in age but in my heart.
Sometimes I like to quietly reminisce about my affairs of my recent past from the last few years (perhaps to distract myself of my non-existent bedroom activity) but I couldn't feel anything. Like no strong sense of nostalgia and wanting, which a once easily excitable (according to my own guy friend, DS) me would plunge full on in my mental indulgence, sending my emotions racing and yearning to be brought back to that moment in time...
I have grown more pragmatic and less romantic as the years go by, not by choice but it seems to be a metamorphosis that has gradually taken place. I would say even dutiful in my sexless relationship. I wish DL and I have more intimacy and we could have a more fulfilling relationship that I see in many couples(where it seems they have a less complex conflict between themselves) but perhaps with some much damage done to the relationship, we have have swept too many things under the carpet and we have been in a more than decade long relationship that is akin to a marriage. We have discovered each other way too much before committing ourselves to a lifetime of adventures together where we will jointly grow and die old and perhaps bear a child that we can proudly call our very own.
AS someone who used to think too much (I reckon a lot less these days since I do not feel any angst or mental/ emotional torment), I have a habit of analysing myself.
I think my weaning romanticising or nostalgia of my past is a positive thing for starters. It signifies my rejecting of wanting the experiences I had, specifically from my errant twenties. I am ready to embrace my present and what lies ahead for my future. It's like coming of age and knowing. That knowing that bores out from your heart and all that mental rationalising could only dissuade you from taking certain actions so much but never quite completely.
I had that same experience of knowing for the first time in Paris when I was twenty-five. It was early October 2004 when I walked along the River Seine with my buddy, Gof after meeting Mr London at The Cabaret Club. I knew that was it. Eight years of infatuation and yearning. We finally met again in Paris- he sought me out and not the other way. But still, nothing romantic eventuated from it. If it was meant to be, it would happen then and there. So it was not meant to be. I had to let go. Something clicked in my heart and I understood, albeit with sadness. But I knew somehow that was the only course of action for me to move on in my life. And moved on I did, which opened up a can of worms of my errant mid twenties because without having a sole obsessive object of affection and with my problematic relationship with DL and my need to escape, flings became the natural course of action. I suddenly notice and could give my attention to propositioners whereas before, the focused me had only one thing in my mind- Mr. London, the unattainable.
****
Recently, I had my 33rd birthday. I find myself not wanting any presents for fear that I was given things I don't like and which, in turn clutter my house as it would be rude to give unwanted gifts away.
True enough, most presents were telling of how little some of my friends know me. I should be thankful I get presents, some will say. But the pragmatic me would rather not. A nice meal together or a birthday wish is good enough.
DL went as far as purchasing me $500 worth of Kinokuniya book vouchers. Perfect, except I had a flip when it arrived in registered post. The pragmatic me figured I had better use of the money towards our mortgage or more home furnishing. $500 will almost (but not quite) cover for a campaign chair that I have been eyeing for the past year. I rang up Kinokuniya to see if I could refund the vouchers and obviously, the answer was a big fat no. However, on the positive side, I managed to negotiate for better value on the amount I could spend on my $500 voucher and in the end, they allow me to spend another 15% more. I had a walk at our nearby reserve when I was seething with anger for the gift and managed to calm myself down (thank goodness) before DL arrived home from work so I could be happy about the gift instead of being mad. The older sibling tried to let me see that DL was trying to make me happy and I should give him that chance to and she was right. I saw how silly I was, although I was still feeling pinch of his extravagant spending and decided for once, I should stop being so pragmatic.
I feel I have grown older. Not only in age but in my heart.
Sometimes I like to quietly reminisce about my affairs of my recent past from the last few years (perhaps to distract myself of my non-existent bedroom activity) but I couldn't feel anything. Like no strong sense of nostalgia and wanting, which a once easily excitable (according to my own guy friend, DS) me would plunge full on in my mental indulgence, sending my emotions racing and yearning to be brought back to that moment in time...
I have grown more pragmatic and less romantic as the years go by, not by choice but it seems to be a metamorphosis that has gradually taken place. I would say even dutiful in my sexless relationship. I wish DL and I have more intimacy and we could have a more fulfilling relationship that I see in many couples(where it seems they have a less complex conflict between themselves) but perhaps with some much damage done to the relationship, we have have swept too many things under the carpet and we have been in a more than decade long relationship that is akin to a marriage. We have discovered each other way too much before committing ourselves to a lifetime of adventures together where we will jointly grow and die old and perhaps bear a child that we can proudly call our very own.
AS someone who used to think too much (I reckon a lot less these days since I do not feel any angst or mental/ emotional torment), I have a habit of analysing myself.
I think my weaning romanticising or nostalgia of my past is a positive thing for starters. It signifies my rejecting of wanting the experiences I had, specifically from my errant twenties. I am ready to embrace my present and what lies ahead for my future. It's like coming of age and knowing. That knowing that bores out from your heart and all that mental rationalising could only dissuade you from taking certain actions so much but never quite completely.
I had that same experience of knowing for the first time in Paris when I was twenty-five. It was early October 2004 when I walked along the River Seine with my buddy, Gof after meeting Mr London at The Cabaret Club. I knew that was it. Eight years of infatuation and yearning. We finally met again in Paris- he sought me out and not the other way. But still, nothing romantic eventuated from it. If it was meant to be, it would happen then and there. So it was not meant to be. I had to let go. Something clicked in my heart and I understood, albeit with sadness. But I knew somehow that was the only course of action for me to move on in my life. And moved on I did, which opened up a can of worms of my errant mid twenties because without having a sole obsessive object of affection and with my problematic relationship with DL and my need to escape, flings became the natural course of action. I suddenly notice and could give my attention to propositioners whereas before, the focused me had only one thing in my mind- Mr. London, the unattainable.
****
Recently, I had my 33rd birthday. I find myself not wanting any presents for fear that I was given things I don't like and which, in turn clutter my house as it would be rude to give unwanted gifts away.
True enough, most presents were telling of how little some of my friends know me. I should be thankful I get presents, some will say. But the pragmatic me would rather not. A nice meal together or a birthday wish is good enough.
DL went as far as purchasing me $500 worth of Kinokuniya book vouchers. Perfect, except I had a flip when it arrived in registered post. The pragmatic me figured I had better use of the money towards our mortgage or more home furnishing. $500 will almost (but not quite) cover for a campaign chair that I have been eyeing for the past year. I rang up Kinokuniya to see if I could refund the vouchers and obviously, the answer was a big fat no. However, on the positive side, I managed to negotiate for better value on the amount I could spend on my $500 voucher and in the end, they allow me to spend another 15% more. I had a walk at our nearby reserve when I was seething with anger for the gift and managed to calm myself down (thank goodness) before DL arrived home from work so I could be happy about the gift instead of being mad. The older sibling tried to let me see that DL was trying to make me happy and I should give him that chance to and she was right. I saw how silly I was, although I was still feeling pinch of his extravagant spending and decided for once, I should stop being so pragmatic.
