Saturday, September 26, 2009
Sneak Attack
I haven't had that heart squeeze in the longest time. I recall all too well how I used to suffer incoherently from this symptom from the countless aftermaths of my loss and pain... an emotional wreck I was.
Last night, it suddenly struck me. I was retiring to bed and DL switched off the lights after me and left the room for the study to close in on some desk time. Alone in bed, I turned my body to ease into my usual, comfortable-on-the-stomach sleeping position. A fliting shadow of a memory darted across my head. I don't know exactly how it came about but the essence of the Old Boy and our joint past was capture in that split-second moment.
I felt that unbearable tug in my heart once more. It was reminiscent of my recent past and the torture of my daily existence. My fear for regression into bad, nasty habits tightened its grip- I blocked out my thoughts immediately. I didn't want that inexplicable pain to linger on and consume me- I have already paid my dues with time. Been there, done that. I closed my fatigued eyes and drifted into a deep and dreamless slumber...
I haven't had that heart squeeze in the longest time. I recall all too well how I used to suffer incoherently from this symptom from the countless aftermaths of my loss and pain... an emotional wreck I was.
Last night, it suddenly struck me. I was retiring to bed and DL switched off the lights after me and left the room for the study to close in on some desk time. Alone in bed, I turned my body to ease into my usual, comfortable-on-the-stomach sleeping position. A fliting shadow of a memory darted across my head. I don't know exactly how it came about but the essence of the Old Boy and our joint past was capture in that split-second moment.
I felt that unbearable tug in my heart once more. It was reminiscent of my recent past and the torture of my daily existence. My fear for regression into bad, nasty habits tightened its grip- I blocked out my thoughts immediately. I didn't want that inexplicable pain to linger on and consume me- I have already paid my dues with time. Been there, done that. I closed my fatigued eyes and drifted into a deep and dreamless slumber...
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Another Lesson- Happiness
Do you really believe that you can make people happy?
I was asked the above question today.
What do you readers out there, think?
Yes, I said.
Do you really, really think you can make a person happy?
I was asked again.
Why do you think you can?
Because... I said.
My whole life is based on the belief that nothing is impossible. I mean, nothing (and that's where DL and I would in our water and fire fashion, typically launch into a heated debate over my theories or ambitions)as in nothing one seeks to achieve in life.
*****
Can we really, really make our spouse or partner happy? he asked.
Really, can you? he asked again.
*****
No is the answer I got to the above question.
Only the person him/ herself can make him/herself feel happy.
He is right.
I, myself am my own living example. Still, I have managed to miss the point.
*****
The above brought to mind a conversation that took place some time back.
P: I think that perhaps if I met you under a different context, ie. I was about your age and we were dating for real, I could make you happy.
Old Boy: I am sure you will try to make me happy because you love me.
Can we all see where I had missed the point?
*****
The same person also told me today that if I go about my life, trying to make people happy, I would end up being a very unhappy person.
He was right.
Wasn't he?
A valuable Life lesson I have learnt.
Do you really believe that you can make people happy?
I was asked the above question today.
What do you readers out there, think?
Yes, I said.
Do you really, really think you can make a person happy?
I was asked again.
Why do you think you can?
Because... I said.
My whole life is based on the belief that nothing is impossible. I mean, nothing (and that's where DL and I would in our water and fire fashion, typically launch into a heated debate over my theories or ambitions)as in nothing one seeks to achieve in life.
*****
Can we really, really make our spouse or partner happy? he asked.
Really, can you? he asked again.
*****
No is the answer I got to the above question.
Only the person him/ herself can make him/herself feel happy.
He is right.
I, myself am my own living example. Still, I have managed to miss the point.
*****
The above brought to mind a conversation that took place some time back.
P: I think that perhaps if I met you under a different context, ie. I was about your age and we were dating for real, I could make you happy.
Old Boy: I am sure you will try to make me happy because you love me.
Can we all see where I had missed the point?
*****
The same person also told me today that if I go about my life, trying to make people happy, I would end up being a very unhappy person.
He was right.
Wasn't he?
A valuable Life lesson I have learnt.
Knowlege Acknowleged
I don't quite know exactly when I actually shed off that meek and frightened disposition that had characterised "P as that little girl"...
Suddenly, I find myself to become that eloquent, self-confident young lady who thrived on the company of people. I stood out as larger-than-life. How did my persona metamorphisise to this?
One part of me in my mind's eye continues see the shadow of that perplexed little girl with that curious, questioning mind always wondering. Except perhaps I now have the courage (or is it bravado) to ask those questions out loud to get the answers.
Plus I never run out of ideas.
The past two weeks I learnt some golden lessons of life. Today, I discovered the secret that made me arrive at the understanding of finally knowing what has distincted me from most people. It was nicely summarised for me.
It's powerful knowledge.
I am beginning to think that this is an interesting start to my life of endless positive possibilities ahead.
My inner power was always there, waiting to be wielded.
If I master what I already have well, there is a whole new world out there waiting for me to explore.
I had wasted time on things or people that had impeded on my journey.
So first, I need to stop fighting me.
I don't quite know exactly when I actually shed off that meek and frightened disposition that had characterised "P as that little girl"...
Suddenly, I find myself to become that eloquent, self-confident young lady who thrived on the company of people. I stood out as larger-than-life. How did my persona metamorphisise to this?
One part of me in my mind's eye continues see the shadow of that perplexed little girl with that curious, questioning mind always wondering. Except perhaps I now have the courage (or is it bravado) to ask those questions out loud to get the answers.
Plus I never run out of ideas.
The past two weeks I learnt some golden lessons of life. Today, I discovered the secret that made me arrive at the understanding of finally knowing what has distincted me from most people. It was nicely summarised for me.
It's powerful knowledge.
I am beginning to think that this is an interesting start to my life of endless positive possibilities ahead.
My inner power was always there, waiting to be wielded.
If I master what I already have well, there is a whole new world out there waiting for me to explore.
I had wasted time on things or people that had impeded on my journey.
So first, I need to stop fighting me.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Love (of a)child
Polly
yes I think
for us
pretty
she will
be
sweetheart
of your
very
own
preciously
hidden
away
from view
passionately
made
the day
I
fell for
you
Polly
yes I think
for us
pretty
she will
be
sweetheart
of your
very
own
preciously
hidden
away
from view
passionately
made
the day
I
fell for
you
“My” Ed
I am wondering
about Ed
he has
turned out
not so
fat
chubby cheeks
once
and
big round
eyes
dolly face
and
daddy’s lips
perplexed
boy
his expression
told
so
the images
show
I am wondering
about Ed
though
I love
him
we
never met
I am wondering
about Ed
he has
turned out
not so
fat
chubby cheeks
once
and
big round
eyes
dolly face
and
daddy’s lips
perplexed
boy
his expression
told
so
the images
show
I am wondering
about Ed
though
I love
him
we
never met
Present Mind/ (on) Past Tense
busy
but thinking
still
of you
despite knowing
feeling
who you
really are
is
past
outdated
I am
But
my love
how
are you
today
busy
but thinking
still
of you
despite knowing
feeling
who you
really are
is
past
outdated
I am
But
my love
how
are you
today
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
(soul) Deep Qn.
you pay
full price
for a
half fuck job
have you
always been
so generous
or
are you
part redeeming
your soul?
you pay
full price
for a
half fuck job
have you
always been
so generous
or
are you
part redeeming
your soul?
