Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Staying Connected...
I must admit I feel somewhat out of touch with this world...
Lately, I have began to take an interest in the politics back home given the pending elections on 7th May. For once, I wish I am home to feel the energy of the political campaigns and be at rallies and make my vote count. Such exciting times back home which I never saw coming!
Once upon a time in my late teens, I had some aspirations to read political science at university, be more intellectually engaged in student groups, join a sorority and lead a life of action and passion. All these grand dreams I had about having an overseas education...
Being an artsy person, I figure there were only 2 "respectable" career paths to consider- become a lawyer or work in government and become a diplomat or something.
But truth is I am a dilettante. I love the energy of being in intellectual company but I do not have any strong political inclinations and I lack intellectual rigour to dig deeper or be truly concerned or be made aware of the national issues that plagued our nation or the average citizen on the street.
I have never voted in my life and wonder if I ever would. If I had still lived in Singapore and never left for overseas, I know too well that I would vote anything but the ruling party just for the hell of it and thwart the stats just to be a renegade given that our country has pretty much been ruled with an iron fist.
Given that I have been living in Australia for the past 11 years or so, I too begin to wonder who I would have voted in the last election for Prime Minister. It was a hard question. I think I am more inclined to the policy making of the liberal party than labour party(although I thought I had more left-wing ideologies as a teenager) but I also fancy the notion of a female Prime Minister. Julia Gillard has the gravitas and composure of a true leader and I couldn't say the same for Tony Abbott who had come across as a loose canon who wouldn't fare too well in foreign affairs. It was a hard one and I was glad I didn't have to choose and make my vote count. Sad Town too is a place predominantly a home ground to Labour supporters and I wonder why I often live in the "wrong" place at the wrong time.
I left home and told myself my overseas education was to take me away from home because I felt stifled but Singapore has no place for a renegade like me. My wish did get fulfilled and I have led a relatively cruisy life despite the numerous struggles I had. I mean I managed to escape what I called an ordinary average Singaporean life worrying about getting married to buy a HDB flat, make babies whilst trying to balance my finances on a meagre salary to chase the dream of the 6 Cs.
Long story short, I feel like a prodigal child who has ran away from home chasing a life of adventures and excessiveness. I am not ready to grow up and face those realities and responsibilities.
The facebook site has been very active of late given that many friends back home are too stirred by the upcoming elections and have been posting their two cents' worth on their facebook status actively. I haven't seen so much political interests from people my age group all my life, except V, my best friend whom I always look up to for her intellectually charged brains. This heralds an interesting time.
Because of all this buzz happening, I have also actively clicked on the profiles of old high school classmates to see what they are chattering these days.
This is where I feel out of touch. My friends who are the same age as me and most of them who still look pretty much the same have all grown up, taken on regular jobs (in the variety of teachers, engineers and middle income administrative positions), must have worked for at least a good 10 years assuming they went to the local university and graduated on time, found a man and got married and have made one if not two or three babies. Some of them are still in touch taking joint baby pictures of them and their bubs. I am flabbergasted.
And here I am- have not worked for more than 5 years in total, still feeling like I am 18 and never ready to grow up. Ask me out to party when I am back and I can bet you I will say anything- no sleep and all play will make P a very happy girl! My parents are still there to hold me if I fall. I made good money in my days in the corporate world and probably much more than those friends back home. Yet, I am not left with one single cent. Having lost a stack of cash from bad business decisions in the past year more than an average person would make in 10 years, I am still in one piece. Most importantly, I am still chasing dreams like it's my birth right.
I don't know what to feel to be honest.
It feels a little surreal.
The thought of returning home to find my besties all married with a baby in tow. A contrast to the last time I was back and we hit the town dressed up to the nines- I felt invincible and young. I wouldn't know what to input given that baby talk will be unavoidable and I am not sure about having to help carry delicate crying, screaming infants with pukey milk breaths. I have also absolutely no interest in breast feeding versus bottle feeding variety discussions. I was raised bottle fed and have no sentiments for breast milk although I recognise the benefits.
It's a funny paradox when I think how I miss my friends back home whilst I live my life in Sad Town with minimal social life but not knowing how to cope with the changes when I return.
Just today, I just commented to my colleague on how DL has finished work for the day at 12.30pm- not fair. How lucky she said and I said yeah and he is off to the movies. What show is he watching, she asked. I said I reckon it would be something that I wouldn't want to watch because I get to choose each time. Fair enough, she said. So is he watching with his guy friend? No, I said. Alone. Oh, she was surprised. Remember we don't have friends, I told her. They are mostly fair weathered friends that we have here in Sad Town so we would rather do things alone than socialise. You are both weird, she said. My colleague who has become a rather dear friend and very much a groupie has come to learn of my idiosyncracies and my lack of a social network in my adopted homeland. You are in Australia, stop calling home Singpore she would retort whenever I embark on a whinge about how Australians do things so inefficiently or "stupidly" COMPARED to back home.
I often wonder where home is.I often feel like my life is in transition and a glass wall has been built around my life. The lack of friends and socialising allows me more time to focus on my own needs and hobbies. Most importantly, it allows me to chase my dreams and never stop dreaming since my immediate environment and social surroundings from the lack of socialisation means that my decisions are impacted by what I or rather DL and I perceive and feel. But DL and I have already since spent a good one third of our lives Down Under.
And then these instances that I go through Facebook and looking up old friends and lovers, I come to realise how time has gone by and how people have evolved...
Still, I feel like an 18 girl, never ready to grow up and be a wife and a mother. Always a baby. To put it bluntly, the rebel and feminist snob in me almost feel it's beneath me to lead such an ordinary life going through the rites of passage of the typical human life cycle dictated by the omniscence of time. I am NOT ready to evolve and grow old and fade into ordinariness and nothingness...
So I feel left behind, trying to reconcile and accept those irreversible (the word has a foreboding ring to it and I cringe at the thought)changes that comes with the passage of time whilst trying to hold on to those dreams. Yes, those unfinished business and dreams that needed chasing and fulfilling where the thought of growing old and being defeated by age and death brings on my bout of anxiety once more...
Perhaps it is not such a bad thing to be out of touch than to be in touch with the real world since that could well give rise to self doubt and inadvertently fuck up one's ability to have faith and go all out for one's dreams and hope.
After all, the worst thing that can befall on DilettanteP is to lead an ordinarily unfulfilled life. Oh shivers!
I must admit I feel somewhat out of touch with this world...
Lately, I have began to take an interest in the politics back home given the pending elections on 7th May. For once, I wish I am home to feel the energy of the political campaigns and be at rallies and make my vote count. Such exciting times back home which I never saw coming!
Once upon a time in my late teens, I had some aspirations to read political science at university, be more intellectually engaged in student groups, join a sorority and lead a life of action and passion. All these grand dreams I had about having an overseas education...
Being an artsy person, I figure there were only 2 "respectable" career paths to consider- become a lawyer or work in government and become a diplomat or something.
But truth is I am a dilettante. I love the energy of being in intellectual company but I do not have any strong political inclinations and I lack intellectual rigour to dig deeper or be truly concerned or be made aware of the national issues that plagued our nation or the average citizen on the street.
I have never voted in my life and wonder if I ever would. If I had still lived in Singapore and never left for overseas, I know too well that I would vote anything but the ruling party just for the hell of it and thwart the stats just to be a renegade given that our country has pretty much been ruled with an iron fist.
Given that I have been living in Australia for the past 11 years or so, I too begin to wonder who I would have voted in the last election for Prime Minister. It was a hard question. I think I am more inclined to the policy making of the liberal party than labour party(although I thought I had more left-wing ideologies as a teenager) but I also fancy the notion of a female Prime Minister. Julia Gillard has the gravitas and composure of a true leader and I couldn't say the same for Tony Abbott who had come across as a loose canon who wouldn't fare too well in foreign affairs. It was a hard one and I was glad I didn't have to choose and make my vote count. Sad Town too is a place predominantly a home ground to Labour supporters and I wonder why I often live in the "wrong" place at the wrong time.
I left home and told myself my overseas education was to take me away from home because I felt stifled but Singapore has no place for a renegade like me. My wish did get fulfilled and I have led a relatively cruisy life despite the numerous struggles I had. I mean I managed to escape what I called an ordinary average Singaporean life worrying about getting married to buy a HDB flat, make babies whilst trying to balance my finances on a meagre salary to chase the dream of the 6 Cs.
Long story short, I feel like a prodigal child who has ran away from home chasing a life of adventures and excessiveness. I am not ready to grow up and face those realities and responsibilities.
The facebook site has been very active of late given that many friends back home are too stirred by the upcoming elections and have been posting their two cents' worth on their facebook status actively. I haven't seen so much political interests from people my age group all my life, except V, my best friend whom I always look up to for her intellectually charged brains. This heralds an interesting time.
Because of all this buzz happening, I have also actively clicked on the profiles of old high school classmates to see what they are chattering these days.
This is where I feel out of touch. My friends who are the same age as me and most of them who still look pretty much the same have all grown up, taken on regular jobs (in the variety of teachers, engineers and middle income administrative positions), must have worked for at least a good 10 years assuming they went to the local university and graduated on time, found a man and got married and have made one if not two or three babies. Some of them are still in touch taking joint baby pictures of them and their bubs. I am flabbergasted.
And here I am- have not worked for more than 5 years in total, still feeling like I am 18 and never ready to grow up. Ask me out to party when I am back and I can bet you I will say anything- no sleep and all play will make P a very happy girl! My parents are still there to hold me if I fall. I made good money in my days in the corporate world and probably much more than those friends back home. Yet, I am not left with one single cent. Having lost a stack of cash from bad business decisions in the past year more than an average person would make in 10 years, I am still in one piece. Most importantly, I am still chasing dreams like it's my birth right.
I don't know what to feel to be honest.
It feels a little surreal.
The thought of returning home to find my besties all married with a baby in tow. A contrast to the last time I was back and we hit the town dressed up to the nines- I felt invincible and young. I wouldn't know what to input given that baby talk will be unavoidable and I am not sure about having to help carry delicate crying, screaming infants with pukey milk breaths. I have also absolutely no interest in breast feeding versus bottle feeding variety discussions. I was raised bottle fed and have no sentiments for breast milk although I recognise the benefits.
It's a funny paradox when I think how I miss my friends back home whilst I live my life in Sad Town with minimal social life but not knowing how to cope with the changes when I return.
Just today, I just commented to my colleague on how DL has finished work for the day at 12.30pm- not fair. How lucky she said and I said yeah and he is off to the movies. What show is he watching, she asked. I said I reckon it would be something that I wouldn't want to watch because I get to choose each time. Fair enough, she said. So is he watching with his guy friend? No, I said. Alone. Oh, she was surprised. Remember we don't have friends, I told her. They are mostly fair weathered friends that we have here in Sad Town so we would rather do things alone than socialise. You are both weird, she said. My colleague who has become a rather dear friend and very much a groupie has come to learn of my idiosyncracies and my lack of a social network in my adopted homeland. You are in Australia, stop calling home Singpore she would retort whenever I embark on a whinge about how Australians do things so inefficiently or "stupidly" COMPARED to back home.
I often wonder where home is.I often feel like my life is in transition and a glass wall has been built around my life. The lack of friends and socialising allows me more time to focus on my own needs and hobbies. Most importantly, it allows me to chase my dreams and never stop dreaming since my immediate environment and social surroundings from the lack of socialisation means that my decisions are impacted by what I or rather DL and I perceive and feel. But DL and I have already since spent a good one third of our lives Down Under.
And then these instances that I go through Facebook and looking up old friends and lovers, I come to realise how time has gone by and how people have evolved...
Still, I feel like an 18 girl, never ready to grow up and be a wife and a mother. Always a baby. To put it bluntly, the rebel and feminist snob in me almost feel it's beneath me to lead such an ordinary life going through the rites of passage of the typical human life cycle dictated by the omniscence of time. I am NOT ready to evolve and grow old and fade into ordinariness and nothingness...
So I feel left behind, trying to reconcile and accept those irreversible (the word has a foreboding ring to it and I cringe at the thought)changes that comes with the passage of time whilst trying to hold on to those dreams. Yes, those unfinished business and dreams that needed chasing and fulfilling where the thought of growing old and being defeated by age and death brings on my bout of anxiety once more...
Perhaps it is not such a bad thing to be out of touch than to be in touch with the real world since that could well give rise to self doubt and inadvertently fuck up one's ability to have faith and go all out for one's dreams and hope.
After all, the worst thing that can befall on DilettanteP is to lead an ordinarily unfulfilled life. Oh shivers!
