Monday, November 29, 2010
The Road out of Hell
Whilst all my girlfriends are basking in impending motherhoods or new found wife statuses or happily single looking forever chic on a jetsetting lifestyle, my life seems to be one in hell.
You see, yours truly is looking less than chic. Doing a short inter-state trip sees me digging deep in my pockets to find some spare change to get me on the road, let alone taking trips to faraway, exotic lands.
Being I could envisage hoping on the plane on the whim, I must first get myself out of hell.
So I finally bite the bullet today.
I told my prospect who is this close to handing me the money that we need to leave the business. Then just before, I emailed the lawyer to inform her that I am formally engaging her to represent us for a swift and (hopefully painless) exit.
I will be in touch with her on the phone tomorrow morning.
I hope I will see light really soon.
Whilst all my girlfriends are basking in impending motherhoods or new found wife statuses or happily single looking forever chic on a jetsetting lifestyle, my life seems to be one in hell.
You see, yours truly is looking less than chic. Doing a short inter-state trip sees me digging deep in my pockets to find some spare change to get me on the road, let alone taking trips to faraway, exotic lands.
Being I could envisage hoping on the plane on the whim, I must first get myself out of hell.
So I finally bite the bullet today.
I told my prospect who is this close to handing me the money that we need to leave the business. Then just before, I emailed the lawyer to inform her that I am formally engaging her to represent us for a swift and (hopefully painless) exit.
I will be in touch with her on the phone tomorrow morning.
I hope I will see light really soon.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Gripped
It's almost 10am Sad Town time.
I haven't been able to sleep well all night.
I was out the house before 7.30am running errands and taking Fluffball to the vet and by 9am I was home.
DL was out the door for work the same time I did.
The emptiness of the house and me feeling sick from hayfever and my period discomfort are semi-depressing me.
I say semi because I haven't really felt depressed for a long time.
But this morning, I felt something gripped my heart. Like one of those periodic heart squeezes I used to experience everyday of my life when I was living in Sydney.
My energy levels are feeling low at the moment, maybe because I haven't been feeling well. I need to protect my vibe.
The sporadic thoughts of various people in my life and my pending new job gripped me.
Two nights ago and then last night, I began recalling incidents of Dopey and much more about Mr. London that I have long forgotten. I was disturbed that they didn't get lost with time and were still residing somewhere deep in the abyss of my memories. In the past, I would have been disturbed because I stopped remembering. No, they were not sad memories. In fact, they were either funny memories (that gave me a chance to laugh at my own silliness) or ambivalent memories (which I never knew what to make out of and perhaps never will).
The most poignant was the memory of my tormented thoughts of Mr. London. Then I often wondered if he had ever liked me- those years of coming into my life every so often to rock my boat. I have forgotten how important the answer to that question to me was. It unsettled me when that wave of memory came back to remind me of something that I must've have selectively lost since Paris and most importantly, to be gripped by the memory of that pain once more. I don't need to feel it again ever. I am no longer 17, or 20 or 25.
I just saw a picture tagged to Nano's Facebook of his girlfriend and him. They looked great together, probably will make beautiful babies. She was actually one of his ex-girlfriends. When he learnt that DL and I got back together, he asked if I was happy and I said yes, I truly am. As gracious as always, he said he is really happy for me. I was more than a friend to him after all, he said. Some days, I wonder if I didn't cancel my Manila trip, maybe we could have worked towards getting somewhere in the relationship. Plus knowing him, he would most likely want to settle down given the distance. I would have the big society wedding I always wanted. I noticed in the news that their family had recently acquired a significant shareholding in some of the country's conglomerates. Then again, I wonder if I would have done so on a rebound since I was still going through a lot of emotional pain and turmoil post my then split up with DL...
*****
So I laid in bed and mentally, I always had the headcount figure in my head.
How many guys have I fucked?
Out of them, how many did I really like?
To my horror, I could only think of 3- DL, M and Old Boy.
How many guys did I really like but I have never slept with out of my other flings and affairs and in general?
Four- three of which I had some form of intimacy and opportunities to sleep with when we spent the night together but I didn't allow it to happen.
The thought was scary.
It gripped me once more to feel what an errant life I had led.
I know better now to give love when I feel love.
It's almost 10am Sad Town time.
I haven't been able to sleep well all night.
I was out the house before 7.30am running errands and taking Fluffball to the vet and by 9am I was home.
DL was out the door for work the same time I did.
The emptiness of the house and me feeling sick from hayfever and my period discomfort are semi-depressing me.
I say semi because I haven't really felt depressed for a long time.
But this morning, I felt something gripped my heart. Like one of those periodic heart squeezes I used to experience everyday of my life when I was living in Sydney.
My energy levels are feeling low at the moment, maybe because I haven't been feeling well. I need to protect my vibe.
The sporadic thoughts of various people in my life and my pending new job gripped me.
Two nights ago and then last night, I began recalling incidents of Dopey and much more about Mr. London that I have long forgotten. I was disturbed that they didn't get lost with time and were still residing somewhere deep in the abyss of my memories. In the past, I would have been disturbed because I stopped remembering. No, they were not sad memories. In fact, they were either funny memories (that gave me a chance to laugh at my own silliness) or ambivalent memories (which I never knew what to make out of and perhaps never will).
The most poignant was the memory of my tormented thoughts of Mr. London. Then I often wondered if he had ever liked me- those years of coming into my life every so often to rock my boat. I have forgotten how important the answer to that question to me was. It unsettled me when that wave of memory came back to remind me of something that I must've have selectively lost since Paris and most importantly, to be gripped by the memory of that pain once more. I don't need to feel it again ever. I am no longer 17, or 20 or 25.
I just saw a picture tagged to Nano's Facebook of his girlfriend and him. They looked great together, probably will make beautiful babies. She was actually one of his ex-girlfriends. When he learnt that DL and I got back together, he asked if I was happy and I said yes, I truly am. As gracious as always, he said he is really happy for me. I was more than a friend to him after all, he said. Some days, I wonder if I didn't cancel my Manila trip, maybe we could have worked towards getting somewhere in the relationship. Plus knowing him, he would most likely want to settle down given the distance. I would have the big society wedding I always wanted. I noticed in the news that their family had recently acquired a significant shareholding in some of the country's conglomerates. Then again, I wonder if I would have done so on a rebound since I was still going through a lot of emotional pain and turmoil post my then split up with DL...
*****
So I laid in bed and mentally, I always had the headcount figure in my head.
How many guys have I fucked?
Out of them, how many did I really like?
To my horror, I could only think of 3- DL, M and Old Boy.
How many guys did I really like but I have never slept with out of my other flings and affairs and in general?
Four- three of which I had some form of intimacy and opportunities to sleep with when we spent the night together but I didn't allow it to happen.
The thought was scary.
It gripped me once more to feel what an errant life I had led.
I know better now to give love when I feel love.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thoughts of a Grown Up
Have you had moments where you lay in bed and thoughts and feelings of yesteryears re-surface involuntarily?
There I was lying in bed last night, feeling poorly from a really strange headache that was straining my eyes and to add on, I have been having bad hayfever and bad period pain.
I thought of Dopey whom I have been in touch with. (Bummed into his psycho ex-girlfriend in Sydney on the weekend).
I recalled my university days and my girlish crushes on the Dope.
These days, Dopey would every so often make suggestive innuendos my way during our text conversations.
As I laid on my bed, I saw an image of us on a hotel bed. Him, in his work suit sitting on the bed, me in a dress and lying on his lap as he stroked my hair. I looked up and smiled at him It was a nice image.
Sometimes, I think it was the unfinished business we had that made him still lusting over me.
But we are ten years older now, then five years older post our long drawn out grey arrangement. Now that we are past the age of 30, having been through much more in life experiences, we have grown much wiser. No more thinking about could have beens.
I have stopped postulating about the could have beens in my life in relation to the numerous affairs and flings I had, some that could have potentially lead somewhere.
So have Dope. He is happily attached to his current girlfriend who is six years younger. As he said, that window of opportunity (he would open himself to other distractions) was closed awhile ago unless of course, yours truly would like another go.
Right now, I couldn't see how I could get into another love affair.
At the same time, I could see that even if I do, emotionally, my feathers cannot be ruffled. I think Dopey feels the same way.
I no longer secretly wish that the other party would "love" or want me more than I do him. No ego trip here. What happens in a hotel room stays in a hotel room.
I wonder if it is a sign of growing up, with one's hardening up.
Strangely, I have lost attachment to most people but I find my attachment to DL and Fluffball to have grown but in a calm way. Last weekend, we were in Sydney and we pigged out like before. Our love of food and obsession with the Fluffball must be our binding factor. As we walked hand in hand, looking for the next cheap and cheerful joint to eat in, I felt bliss in my heart. I felt love to be precise in such simple joys of life. If only life could be ever so simple...
A revelation has dawned upon me for awhile now. I couldn't see living apart from DL as a viable option now. Maybe that's what the adults meant when they say they have settled down now. It's a great feeling to have....
*****
So I fell asleep last night with thoughts of my youth and Dopey last texting me about what I want (out of him) which I served back the same question since I meant lunch when I said we must catch up when I am next in Sydney for work training (yes I got offered a job! Probably two by next week! Yippeeeeee)... my phone battery went flat on me and I dozed off anyhow...
I had a dream. Again, this person felt like Dopey but it was Mr. London yet again. I mean, I swear I haven't thought about Mr. London. But he seemed to co-exist with Dopey in my sub-conscious. I woke up forgetting I had this long dream about me going to his house and exploring his house, him holding my hand, like two shy highschool kids on an initial date...
*****
I logged onto my Facebook just before and there, on my Homepage was the very face of Mr. London in a photo with some girl at the club.
It jotted my memory about the dream.
What is the universe trying to say?
I felt a little stirred to find Mr. London coming back into my sub-conscious twice within one month, always when Dopey is in the picture.
They both reminded me of an era in my life where I was a lot more innocent perhaps...
I always knew I would get Dopey one day whilst I was at university but I didn't know how. But I did. I got him. I still capture his imagination till today.
What about Mr. London? I wonder.
I always wanted to have his kiss back then and I felt I knew it would happen. I wanted to go to Paris, partly because it was my excuse to meet him somewhere and hoping for something to happen. He sought me out in Paris (pleasant surprise for me then- I was over the Moon!) but nothing happened. Too much undercurrent during our years of growing up, too much left unsaid, much time is lost. Lost cause I would say.
As a sensible adult, I no longer yearn for him or his affections. No, he never kissed me.
Mr. London was a turning point in my life- he represented everything I wanted for myself for a long time- wealth and social status. I didn't think I was good enough for him in all those eight years I was "trapped" obsessing about him. He was tall, handsome and shy which made him very attractive to me.
But Paris changed everything. As I cried along the Seine River knowing it was a lost cause, I knew that I would and could never put myself in a mindset that I wasn't good enough for anyone and there, I got anyone I want, not without its tragic comedies.
Every so often, I wonder about Mr. London when I am back home. Funnily, I still remember his mobile no. Still the same one after all these years since I knew him at 17.
*****
Mr. London and Dopey- what are their similarities?
Both are tall and good-looking with the same shy, soft-spoken demeanour that I like in a boy when I was growing up.
They both made my heart skipped, especially Mr. London.
Maybe my dream was there to remind me of innocent youth.
But so what?
Have you had moments where you lay in bed and thoughts and feelings of yesteryears re-surface involuntarily?
There I was lying in bed last night, feeling poorly from a really strange headache that was straining my eyes and to add on, I have been having bad hayfever and bad period pain.
I thought of Dopey whom I have been in touch with. (Bummed into his psycho ex-girlfriend in Sydney on the weekend).
I recalled my university days and my girlish crushes on the Dope.
These days, Dopey would every so often make suggestive innuendos my way during our text conversations.
As I laid on my bed, I saw an image of us on a hotel bed. Him, in his work suit sitting on the bed, me in a dress and lying on his lap as he stroked my hair. I looked up and smiled at him It was a nice image.
Sometimes, I think it was the unfinished business we had that made him still lusting over me.
But we are ten years older now, then five years older post our long drawn out grey arrangement. Now that we are past the age of 30, having been through much more in life experiences, we have grown much wiser. No more thinking about could have beens.
I have stopped postulating about the could have beens in my life in relation to the numerous affairs and flings I had, some that could have potentially lead somewhere.
So have Dope. He is happily attached to his current girlfriend who is six years younger. As he said, that window of opportunity (he would open himself to other distractions) was closed awhile ago unless of course, yours truly would like another go.
Right now, I couldn't see how I could get into another love affair.
At the same time, I could see that even if I do, emotionally, my feathers cannot be ruffled. I think Dopey feels the same way.
I no longer secretly wish that the other party would "love" or want me more than I do him. No ego trip here. What happens in a hotel room stays in a hotel room.
I wonder if it is a sign of growing up, with one's hardening up.
Strangely, I have lost attachment to most people but I find my attachment to DL and Fluffball to have grown but in a calm way. Last weekend, we were in Sydney and we pigged out like before. Our love of food and obsession with the Fluffball must be our binding factor. As we walked hand in hand, looking for the next cheap and cheerful joint to eat in, I felt bliss in my heart. I felt love to be precise in such simple joys of life. If only life could be ever so simple...
A revelation has dawned upon me for awhile now. I couldn't see living apart from DL as a viable option now. Maybe that's what the adults meant when they say they have settled down now. It's a great feeling to have....
*****
So I fell asleep last night with thoughts of my youth and Dopey last texting me about what I want (out of him) which I served back the same question since I meant lunch when I said we must catch up when I am next in Sydney for work training (yes I got offered a job! Probably two by next week! Yippeeeeee)... my phone battery went flat on me and I dozed off anyhow...
I had a dream. Again, this person felt like Dopey but it was Mr. London yet again. I mean, I swear I haven't thought about Mr. London. But he seemed to co-exist with Dopey in my sub-conscious. I woke up forgetting I had this long dream about me going to his house and exploring his house, him holding my hand, like two shy highschool kids on an initial date...
*****
I logged onto my Facebook just before and there, on my Homepage was the very face of Mr. London in a photo with some girl at the club.
It jotted my memory about the dream.
What is the universe trying to say?
I felt a little stirred to find Mr. London coming back into my sub-conscious twice within one month, always when Dopey is in the picture.
They both reminded me of an era in my life where I was a lot more innocent perhaps...
I always knew I would get Dopey one day whilst I was at university but I didn't know how. But I did. I got him. I still capture his imagination till today.
What about Mr. London? I wonder.
I always wanted to have his kiss back then and I felt I knew it would happen. I wanted to go to Paris, partly because it was my excuse to meet him somewhere and hoping for something to happen. He sought me out in Paris (pleasant surprise for me then- I was over the Moon!) but nothing happened. Too much undercurrent during our years of growing up, too much left unsaid, much time is lost. Lost cause I would say.
As a sensible adult, I no longer yearn for him or his affections. No, he never kissed me.
Mr. London was a turning point in my life- he represented everything I wanted for myself for a long time- wealth and social status. I didn't think I was good enough for him in all those eight years I was "trapped" obsessing about him. He was tall, handsome and shy which made him very attractive to me.
But Paris changed everything. As I cried along the Seine River knowing it was a lost cause, I knew that I would and could never put myself in a mindset that I wasn't good enough for anyone and there, I got anyone I want, not without its tragic comedies.
Every so often, I wonder about Mr. London when I am back home. Funnily, I still remember his mobile no. Still the same one after all these years since I knew him at 17.
*****
Mr. London and Dopey- what are their similarities?
Both are tall and good-looking with the same shy, soft-spoken demeanour that I like in a boy when I was growing up.
They both made my heart skipped, especially Mr. London.
Maybe my dream was there to remind me of innocent youth.
But so what?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Knitted Brows
Today, I woke up feeling that I don't know what to feel.
I feel a slight anxiety brewing beneath my seemingly calm composure.
My business is up in the air- to leave or not to leave?
A big part of me know the answer and points to the former. So what is stopping me?
I woke up feeling like I was transported to another dimension whilst I was asleep.
I recalled what seemed like a dream of Mr. London. I haven't give this person much thought at all. Here he was appearing in the dream. I think we kissed. I was lying on the bed and he was on top of me. We didn't talk and we stopped at the point where we should have proceeded on to do the real thing. But we just stopped and then we moved on in an abstract way. I mean I don't recall a parting shot but simply a feeling that we just moved on very naturally as with the rhythm of life...
This morning, when I recalled about Mr. London, I was reminded of the Dope.The essence of Mr. London in the dream could well be Dope. We have been in touch on sms and the sexual innuendos on sms have petered out but still we talk...
****
Last Friday, Soci had his farewell as he had taken a break from uni and was returning home.
I went to his room and we smoked up.
I hadn't smoked weed in years. The smell of it was pleasantly familiar. I examined the buds put in a mini ziplock bag and smelled it. It was no where near as "fragrant" as the ones we used to have in Paris smuggled from Amsterdam.
Soci and I were having this great conversation about the Law of Attraction. At some stage, I was getting higher and higher and I was reminded of fun times in Paris and then all the great late night conversations I had with V. I suddenly wished she was here smoking up with Soci and I. After all, we are of the kindred spirit. Well put Soci, the Philosopher and V, the Sociologist together, plus me a dilettante and we would have a great conversation and a great night.
*****
A few weeks ago, I met Soci for the first time in yonks... He was severely depressed but thankfully, decided to come out of his shell.
It has been a long year for me and it had been an emotionally tough time for him.
But we hung out and talked till the wee hours of the morning like never before.
What happen to that feeling of youth again? we asked.
He was getting better as we talked through the night.
Somehow Mr. London was brought into the conversation.
Coincidentally, Soci knows Mr. London back home. Soci told me Mr. London seemed jaded by Singaporean girls, he once mentioned in passing.
Anyhow, we were back to the topic of first love.
Mr. London was my first obsession- 8 years. I don't know how I managed to like someone for so long I told him. Our lives was one big coincidence and then I couldn't let go of his memory.
Anyways, the moment has passed.
Soci, as emotional as he was said- why did you not go online the next day the same time after Mr London told you he would be (when Mr L and I had this 6 hr conversation online on 2 diff time zones) many moons ago? He must have liked you since he asked for your photo!!!
I didn't want to disappoint myself I told Soci.
Then there was that meeting in Paris and walking along the Champs Elysee that amounted to nothing...
Ah well, c'est la vie.
I don't know where this post is heading... my thoughts and feelings are jumbled at the moment...
Oh, one more thing. Strangely positive things have been happening yesterday.
I got called for a job interview that I wanted. So far two out of the three jobs that I really wanted are interested in my background.
Then I received 2 unexpected calls from Singapore and one Facebook message from friends who cared but I wasn't expecting. One was Soci and the other was Bella. Bella told me she had been telling Shania on Sunday that she wanted to ring me. Shania had also written to me to see if I wanted to go to Taipei with her. I have known the girls since I was thirteen, It was super strange. I mean, no one ever rings me these days, perhaps B occasionally.
It's nice to know my old friends are still there for me. Funny, I have been away from home much longer now than the time I knew them when I was living in Singapore.
Anyhow, my attention span is short today.
Will write more coherently the next time...
Today, I woke up feeling that I don't know what to feel.
I feel a slight anxiety brewing beneath my seemingly calm composure.
My business is up in the air- to leave or not to leave?
A big part of me know the answer and points to the former. So what is stopping me?
I woke up feeling like I was transported to another dimension whilst I was asleep.
I recalled what seemed like a dream of Mr. London. I haven't give this person much thought at all. Here he was appearing in the dream. I think we kissed. I was lying on the bed and he was on top of me. We didn't talk and we stopped at the point where we should have proceeded on to do the real thing. But we just stopped and then we moved on in an abstract way. I mean I don't recall a parting shot but simply a feeling that we just moved on very naturally as with the rhythm of life...
This morning, when I recalled about Mr. London, I was reminded of the Dope.The essence of Mr. London in the dream could well be Dope. We have been in touch on sms and the sexual innuendos on sms have petered out but still we talk...
****
Last Friday, Soci had his farewell as he had taken a break from uni and was returning home.
I went to his room and we smoked up.
I hadn't smoked weed in years. The smell of it was pleasantly familiar. I examined the buds put in a mini ziplock bag and smelled it. It was no where near as "fragrant" as the ones we used to have in Paris smuggled from Amsterdam.
Soci and I were having this great conversation about the Law of Attraction. At some stage, I was getting higher and higher and I was reminded of fun times in Paris and then all the great late night conversations I had with V. I suddenly wished she was here smoking up with Soci and I. After all, we are of the kindred spirit. Well put Soci, the Philosopher and V, the Sociologist together, plus me a dilettante and we would have a great conversation and a great night.
*****
A few weeks ago, I met Soci for the first time in yonks... He was severely depressed but thankfully, decided to come out of his shell.
It has been a long year for me and it had been an emotionally tough time for him.
But we hung out and talked till the wee hours of the morning like never before.
What happen to that feeling of youth again? we asked.
He was getting better as we talked through the night.
Somehow Mr. London was brought into the conversation.
Coincidentally, Soci knows Mr. London back home. Soci told me Mr. London seemed jaded by Singaporean girls, he once mentioned in passing.
Anyhow, we were back to the topic of first love.
Mr. London was my first obsession- 8 years. I don't know how I managed to like someone for so long I told him. Our lives was one big coincidence and then I couldn't let go of his memory.
Anyways, the moment has passed.
Soci, as emotional as he was said- why did you not go online the next day the same time after Mr London told you he would be (when Mr L and I had this 6 hr conversation online on 2 diff time zones) many moons ago? He must have liked you since he asked for your photo!!!
I didn't want to disappoint myself I told Soci.
Then there was that meeting in Paris and walking along the Champs Elysee that amounted to nothing...
Ah well, c'est la vie.
I don't know where this post is heading... my thoughts and feelings are jumbled at the moment...
Oh, one more thing. Strangely positive things have been happening yesterday.
I got called for a job interview that I wanted. So far two out of the three jobs that I really wanted are interested in my background.
Then I received 2 unexpected calls from Singapore and one Facebook message from friends who cared but I wasn't expecting. One was Soci and the other was Bella. Bella told me she had been telling Shania on Sunday that she wanted to ring me. Shania had also written to me to see if I wanted to go to Taipei with her. I have known the girls since I was thirteen, It was super strange. I mean, no one ever rings me these days, perhaps B occasionally.
It's nice to know my old friends are still there for me. Funny, I have been away from home much longer now than the time I knew them when I was living in Singapore.
Anyhow, my attention span is short today.
Will write more coherently the next time...
