Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thoughts of a Grown Up
Have you had moments where you lay in bed and thoughts and feelings of yesteryears re-surface involuntarily?
There I was lying in bed last night, feeling poorly from a really strange headache that was straining my eyes and to add on, I have been having bad hayfever and bad period pain.
I thought of Dopey whom I have been in touch with. (Bummed into his psycho ex-girlfriend in Sydney on the weekend).
I recalled my university days and my girlish crushes on the Dope.
These days, Dopey would every so often make suggestive innuendos my way during our text conversations.
As I laid on my bed, I saw an image of us on a hotel bed. Him, in his work suit sitting on the bed, me in a dress and lying on his lap as he stroked my hair. I looked up and smiled at him It was a nice image.
Sometimes, I think it was the unfinished business we had that made him still lusting over me.
But we are ten years older now, then five years older post our long drawn out grey arrangement. Now that we are past the age of 30, having been through much more in life experiences, we have grown much wiser. No more thinking about could have beens.
I have stopped postulating about the could have beens in my life in relation to the numerous affairs and flings I had, some that could have potentially lead somewhere.
So have Dope. He is happily attached to his current girlfriend who is six years younger. As he said, that window of opportunity (he would open himself to other distractions) was closed awhile ago unless of course, yours truly would like another go.
Right now, I couldn't see how I could get into another love affair.
At the same time, I could see that even if I do, emotionally, my feathers cannot be ruffled. I think Dopey feels the same way.
I no longer secretly wish that the other party would "love" or want me more than I do him. No ego trip here. What happens in a hotel room stays in a hotel room.
I wonder if it is a sign of growing up, with one's hardening up.
Strangely, I have lost attachment to most people but I find my attachment to DL and Fluffball to have grown but in a calm way. Last weekend, we were in Sydney and we pigged out like before. Our love of food and obsession with the Fluffball must be our binding factor. As we walked hand in hand, looking for the next cheap and cheerful joint to eat in, I felt bliss in my heart. I felt love to be precise in such simple joys of life. If only life could be ever so simple...
A revelation has dawned upon me for awhile now. I couldn't see living apart from DL as a viable option now. Maybe that's what the adults meant when they say they have settled down now. It's a great feeling to have....
*****
So I fell asleep last night with thoughts of my youth and Dopey last texting me about what I want (out of him) which I served back the same question since I meant lunch when I said we must catch up when I am next in Sydney for work training (yes I got offered a job! Probably two by next week! Yippeeeeee)... my phone battery went flat on me and I dozed off anyhow...
I had a dream. Again, this person felt like Dopey but it was Mr. London yet again. I mean, I swear I haven't thought about Mr. London. But he seemed to co-exist with Dopey in my sub-conscious. I woke up forgetting I had this long dream about me going to his house and exploring his house, him holding my hand, like two shy highschool kids on an initial date...
*****
I logged onto my Facebook just before and there, on my Homepage was the very face of Mr. London in a photo with some girl at the club.
It jotted my memory about the dream.
What is the universe trying to say?
I felt a little stirred to find Mr. London coming back into my sub-conscious twice within one month, always when Dopey is in the picture.
They both reminded me of an era in my life where I was a lot more innocent perhaps...
I always knew I would get Dopey one day whilst I was at university but I didn't know how. But I did. I got him. I still capture his imagination till today.
What about Mr. London? I wonder.
I always wanted to have his kiss back then and I felt I knew it would happen. I wanted to go to Paris, partly because it was my excuse to meet him somewhere and hoping for something to happen. He sought me out in Paris (pleasant surprise for me then- I was over the Moon!) but nothing happened. Too much undercurrent during our years of growing up, too much left unsaid, much time is lost. Lost cause I would say.
As a sensible adult, I no longer yearn for him or his affections. No, he never kissed me.
Mr. London was a turning point in my life- he represented everything I wanted for myself for a long time- wealth and social status. I didn't think I was good enough for him in all those eight years I was "trapped" obsessing about him. He was tall, handsome and shy which made him very attractive to me.
But Paris changed everything. As I cried along the Seine River knowing it was a lost cause, I knew that I would and could never put myself in a mindset that I wasn't good enough for anyone and there, I got anyone I want, not without its tragic comedies.
Every so often, I wonder about Mr. London when I am back home. Funnily, I still remember his mobile no. Still the same one after all these years since I knew him at 17.
*****
Mr. London and Dopey- what are their similarities?
Both are tall and good-looking with the same shy, soft-spoken demeanour that I like in a boy when I was growing up.
They both made my heart skipped, especially Mr. London.
Maybe my dream was there to remind me of innocent youth.
But so what?
Have you had moments where you lay in bed and thoughts and feelings of yesteryears re-surface involuntarily?
There I was lying in bed last night, feeling poorly from a really strange headache that was straining my eyes and to add on, I have been having bad hayfever and bad period pain.
I thought of Dopey whom I have been in touch with. (Bummed into his psycho ex-girlfriend in Sydney on the weekend).
I recalled my university days and my girlish crushes on the Dope.
These days, Dopey would every so often make suggestive innuendos my way during our text conversations.
As I laid on my bed, I saw an image of us on a hotel bed. Him, in his work suit sitting on the bed, me in a dress and lying on his lap as he stroked my hair. I looked up and smiled at him It was a nice image.
Sometimes, I think it was the unfinished business we had that made him still lusting over me.
But we are ten years older now, then five years older post our long drawn out grey arrangement. Now that we are past the age of 30, having been through much more in life experiences, we have grown much wiser. No more thinking about could have beens.
I have stopped postulating about the could have beens in my life in relation to the numerous affairs and flings I had, some that could have potentially lead somewhere.
So have Dope. He is happily attached to his current girlfriend who is six years younger. As he said, that window of opportunity (he would open himself to other distractions) was closed awhile ago unless of course, yours truly would like another go.
Right now, I couldn't see how I could get into another love affair.
At the same time, I could see that even if I do, emotionally, my feathers cannot be ruffled. I think Dopey feels the same way.
I no longer secretly wish that the other party would "love" or want me more than I do him. No ego trip here. What happens in a hotel room stays in a hotel room.
I wonder if it is a sign of growing up, with one's hardening up.
Strangely, I have lost attachment to most people but I find my attachment to DL and Fluffball to have grown but in a calm way. Last weekend, we were in Sydney and we pigged out like before. Our love of food and obsession with the Fluffball must be our binding factor. As we walked hand in hand, looking for the next cheap and cheerful joint to eat in, I felt bliss in my heart. I felt love to be precise in such simple joys of life. If only life could be ever so simple...
A revelation has dawned upon me for awhile now. I couldn't see living apart from DL as a viable option now. Maybe that's what the adults meant when they say they have settled down now. It's a great feeling to have....
*****
So I fell asleep last night with thoughts of my youth and Dopey last texting me about what I want (out of him) which I served back the same question since I meant lunch when I said we must catch up when I am next in Sydney for work training (yes I got offered a job! Probably two by next week! Yippeeeeee)... my phone battery went flat on me and I dozed off anyhow...
I had a dream. Again, this person felt like Dopey but it was Mr. London yet again. I mean, I swear I haven't thought about Mr. London. But he seemed to co-exist with Dopey in my sub-conscious. I woke up forgetting I had this long dream about me going to his house and exploring his house, him holding my hand, like two shy highschool kids on an initial date...
*****
I logged onto my Facebook just before and there, on my Homepage was the very face of Mr. London in a photo with some girl at the club.
It jotted my memory about the dream.
What is the universe trying to say?
I felt a little stirred to find Mr. London coming back into my sub-conscious twice within one month, always when Dopey is in the picture.
They both reminded me of an era in my life where I was a lot more innocent perhaps...
I always knew I would get Dopey one day whilst I was at university but I didn't know how. But I did. I got him. I still capture his imagination till today.
What about Mr. London? I wonder.
I always wanted to have his kiss back then and I felt I knew it would happen. I wanted to go to Paris, partly because it was my excuse to meet him somewhere and hoping for something to happen. He sought me out in Paris (pleasant surprise for me then- I was over the Moon!) but nothing happened. Too much undercurrent during our years of growing up, too much left unsaid, much time is lost. Lost cause I would say.
As a sensible adult, I no longer yearn for him or his affections. No, he never kissed me.
Mr. London was a turning point in my life- he represented everything I wanted for myself for a long time- wealth and social status. I didn't think I was good enough for him in all those eight years I was "trapped" obsessing about him. He was tall, handsome and shy which made him very attractive to me.
But Paris changed everything. As I cried along the Seine River knowing it was a lost cause, I knew that I would and could never put myself in a mindset that I wasn't good enough for anyone and there, I got anyone I want, not without its tragic comedies.
Every so often, I wonder about Mr. London when I am back home. Funnily, I still remember his mobile no. Still the same one after all these years since I knew him at 17.
*****
Mr. London and Dopey- what are their similarities?
Both are tall and good-looking with the same shy, soft-spoken demeanour that I like in a boy when I was growing up.
They both made my heart skipped, especially Mr. London.
Maybe my dream was there to remind me of innocent youth.
But so what?
