Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Not Well
Feeling very depressed and jittery today.
I am back in Kathmandu but tomorrow a big and arduous trip awaits me early in the morning. I fly to Lukla and trek to Everest Base Camp for the next two weeks.
I don't feel like I am emotionally equipped to do it tomorrow.
Few things are plaguing me still. The Old Boy fills up my thoughts persistently and it's feeling me with angst and pain.
I am depressed. Very. The littlelest things bother me.
I just got back from the jungle safari today which was relief since my eczema has flared up so badly. Weather was foul and I spent my first day cooped up in my room lying in bed thinking of the Old Boy and my thoughts, combined with my cabin fever was overwhelming me so badly I lost my appetite. This morning, I was scared shitless out of bed as I spotted a mouse in my room and I packed at the earliest instant and was at the reception by 6.30am before the others awaken. The only positive thing that came from that little adventure were the people I met, the elephant rides and the village dance.
I haven't been sleeping well and have been losing my appetite big time...
Lats week, I was very sick and since then I haven't been able to eat. I was staying at a luxurious resort where dignitaries like Prince Charles and other royalties have stayed. That must be the highlight of my trip except that I was really sick and once at night where I had some time to myself as my own dedicated guide and driver left me to my own devices, I got lost at night and walked into some unknown village in the pouring rain and got sicker! Met two interesting guys, one French and one Thai. The former in precious stone trade who supply precious gems to the lights of Cartier and his Thai ex-classmate in the business of designing hotel lobbies. I invited the gentlemen to join me with my private car with my guide and driver while their driver followed us. Later in the afternoon, they invited me to join them out on the lake where the gentlemen promised to row the boat while i get to relax. A typically socially tenacious P would have been thrilled with a social invitation except that I was to sick for any outdoor activities and instead, I declined and retreated to rest. We exchanged contact details and the French guy (who reminded me of my very first French lover, except this guy is more sophisticated and clean cut and slightly younger than me) invited me to stay at his empty apartment in the 14th arrondissment if I were to visit Paris or his family home in the form a castle a little way out of Paris. The Thai who is based in Florida (and has always lived abroad and is also of thee boarding school gentility) was also very helpful and suggested that if I run into trouble in Bangkok next month, please ring him up as he still has family there. The French smiled and insisted yeah, his friend is definitely someone good to know. The French who is based in Jaipur suggested that I take a trip to India sometime where he would have a good spa place to recommend me and coincidentally enough, we both realised that we wanted to trek to Mustang the next time we are in Nepal. So we promised to keep in touch.
But enough said! Let me see how I go tomorrow with Everest base camp. I am still jittery! So wish me luck!
Right now, I feel like a coward and wish that I could hop on the next plane home.
Bangkok's supposed to be my next stop after Kathmandu. Earlier, Big M suggested he might meet me there as he could potentially be there for a business trip.
Who knows- anyways he is now happily having his overdue honeymoon in some far flung safari in Africa with his wife. Maybe that might work its magic to enhance some domestic bliss...
I just remember my weekend in Bangkok would also happen to be Nano's big 30th birthday. Then a few weeks after, he comes to Singapore to visit. I haven't seen him in a year now. Time flies.
Somehow, nothing matters anymore to me. I am still stuck in January 2008.
For a long while now, I had wished that it would be the Old Boy waiting for me and welcoming me from the end of my pilgrimage in Bangkok.
Wishful thinking.
It's a lost cause but I indulge in moments of stupidity in hoping...
For the most part, I allow my thoughts to overwhelm me in pain...
Feeling very depressed and jittery today.
I am back in Kathmandu but tomorrow a big and arduous trip awaits me early in the morning. I fly to Lukla and trek to Everest Base Camp for the next two weeks.
I don't feel like I am emotionally equipped to do it tomorrow.
Few things are plaguing me still. The Old Boy fills up my thoughts persistently and it's feeling me with angst and pain.
I am depressed. Very. The littlelest things bother me.
I just got back from the jungle safari today which was relief since my eczema has flared up so badly. Weather was foul and I spent my first day cooped up in my room lying in bed thinking of the Old Boy and my thoughts, combined with my cabin fever was overwhelming me so badly I lost my appetite. This morning, I was scared shitless out of bed as I spotted a mouse in my room and I packed at the earliest instant and was at the reception by 6.30am before the others awaken. The only positive thing that came from that little adventure were the people I met, the elephant rides and the village dance.
I haven't been sleeping well and have been losing my appetite big time...
Lats week, I was very sick and since then I haven't been able to eat. I was staying at a luxurious resort where dignitaries like Prince Charles and other royalties have stayed. That must be the highlight of my trip except that I was really sick and once at night where I had some time to myself as my own dedicated guide and driver left me to my own devices, I got lost at night and walked into some unknown village in the pouring rain and got sicker! Met two interesting guys, one French and one Thai. The former in precious stone trade who supply precious gems to the lights of Cartier and his Thai ex-classmate in the business of designing hotel lobbies. I invited the gentlemen to join me with my private car with my guide and driver while their driver followed us. Later in the afternoon, they invited me to join them out on the lake where the gentlemen promised to row the boat while i get to relax. A typically socially tenacious P would have been thrilled with a social invitation except that I was to sick for any outdoor activities and instead, I declined and retreated to rest. We exchanged contact details and the French guy (who reminded me of my very first French lover, except this guy is more sophisticated and clean cut and slightly younger than me) invited me to stay at his empty apartment in the 14th arrondissment if I were to visit Paris or his family home in the form a castle a little way out of Paris. The Thai who is based in Florida (and has always lived abroad and is also of thee boarding school gentility) was also very helpful and suggested that if I run into trouble in Bangkok next month, please ring him up as he still has family there. The French smiled and insisted yeah, his friend is definitely someone good to know. The French who is based in Jaipur suggested that I take a trip to India sometime where he would have a good spa place to recommend me and coincidentally enough, we both realised that we wanted to trek to Mustang the next time we are in Nepal. So we promised to keep in touch.
But enough said! Let me see how I go tomorrow with Everest base camp. I am still jittery! So wish me luck!
Right now, I feel like a coward and wish that I could hop on the next plane home.
Bangkok's supposed to be my next stop after Kathmandu. Earlier, Big M suggested he might meet me there as he could potentially be there for a business trip.
Who knows- anyways he is now happily having his overdue honeymoon in some far flung safari in Africa with his wife. Maybe that might work its magic to enhance some domestic bliss...
I just remember my weekend in Bangkok would also happen to be Nano's big 30th birthday. Then a few weeks after, he comes to Singapore to visit. I haven't seen him in a year now. Time flies.
Somehow, nothing matters anymore to me. I am still stuck in January 2008.
For a long while now, I had wished that it would be the Old Boy waiting for me and welcoming me from the end of my pilgrimage in Bangkok.
Wishful thinking.
It's a lost cause but I indulge in moments of stupidity in hoping...
For the most part, I allow my thoughts to overwhelm me in pain...
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Refugee
I have sought refuge from Buddha and was given a Tibetan refuge name.
It was strange. On the night of Buddha Teaching Day (which I didn't realise the significance of that day initially), something struck me. I haven't had any traction with my meditation for days and days. That night, the powerful chant that my teacher led suddenly did me in. The night before I nearly burst out laughing midway at meditation when he first started incorporating prayers into meditation. Weirdly on this other occasion, my eyes started tearing. Prior, I was either getting frustrated with my lack of patience or trying to blank out my wandering mind. It was a poignant moment. I heard that uncanny voice within my head saying, "I accept the Dharma." It summed up my commitment to dispel my suffering in this Samsaric world. Now the cynic in me is beginning to understand why some Christians cry so hard in church and claimed to have been "touched by God". One part of me still thinks that it's mass hysteria when a group of people get the same reaction at the same time. But having experienced this sudden overwhelm of feeling (I wasn't even emotional at that point!), I am beginning to contemplate on the plausibility of this spiritual phenomenon.
I have taken three vows out of five that I would keep for the rest of my life. But I didn't dare take the two important vows that might well be the root of my suffering- sexual misconduct and drinking alcohol.
Out of all the meditation that I have been working on, Tonglen has been the only one that worked. It requires me to focus on taking the suffering of someone and as I breathe out, I would give them the positive karma I have accumulated. The Old Boy was the first person I thought of-his samsaric suffering that has been the root of his compounding problems and more. As my heart got heavier with each breath, I prayed my darnest to take away the guilt and burden of his secret life. I heard that voice once again praying that I hope he would find love and fidelity again for his life, even if it meant that I would never the girl who would get a piece of him. With each breath I exhale, I dispelled all the negative karmic imprint of his life and gave him the positiveness that I have accumulated.
I learnt that motivation, dedication and action are the vital basis of creating karma, be it positive or negative. So even if an act wasn't intentional, the very commitment of the act itself is enough to create a karmic imprint...
****
By the way, I nearly sponsored a stray dog who has wandered into the monastery for the rest of her life. She was kicked out of the monastery although she was such a good dog. I embarked on a "Project Compassion" with another equally emphatic classmate. However, to cut the long story short given that we were being told different things by different people initially on the whereabouts of the dog after she was kicked out, it was confirmed by our teacher and a nun that she belonged to a household at a village below the hill.
I went to an uncanny Tibetan/clairvoyant lama with some really strange magic powers. He would ask my name, I would give him my questions (translated by my English speaking lama friend), he would throw his dice and then blow them before giving me the answers. e told me a few things about me which I tested him with the questions, mainly to seek confirmation of his prowess. Then he also alleviated a big part of my sinusitis, which has been a bane to my existence and especially so in Nepal (given that it hindered my ability to meditate properly without causing annoyance to fellow classmates) after he gave me his "magic powder" to inhale... I was supposed to burn this incense powder over the burner but since I haven't got one and was not about to buy one given my being on the move for the next month, I started sniffing my little bag of good stuff...
Yesterday, I bought a cage if four parrot-like birds from an Indian bird seller on the streets near the big stupa at Boudha. They travelled with me for hours to the quaint ancient city of Bhaktupur and finally to the highlands of Nakargot where I stayed at a resort with an unreal room view of feeling like I was in the clouds. I freed them into the wilderness and hope that they will find freedom in this life...
If anything came out of this retreat, Compassion must be the key thing. I find myself buying biscuits and saving up scrapes of my leftover meals at the restaurant for stray dogs in the streets and then I am beginning to avoid eating meat. Yesterday, I spotted a flea and sore ridden black dog who was possibly blind trodding on weakly and slowly like it was heading towards the end of its journey. When he finally had strength to eat my leftover briyani rice with cashew nuts and dates, I said a small prayer for it and hope that it might help to regain some of its strength...
No, I still haven't become enlightened. In fact, I am far from anything like that. I haven't even understood spiritually the notion of "Suffering" linked to "Impermanence and Death" before delving deeper into "Emptiness" before I could ever get into that realm remotely. I still lay in bed thinking about the Old Boy and my love for him. I still have desirous attachment towards him and dogs. So you see, I haven't been internalising my Buddhist education too well.
Most nights, I still have difficulty falling asleep or waking up in the middle of the night, sometimes stirred by a morbid dream of death or pain. At one stage, I jumped up from my sleep and was roused to thinking that someone has knocked on the door of my room and I found myself suddenly being able to recite the dedication that I do after every meditation session-" May all sentient beings everywhere, plagued by an ocean of suffering and pain..."
But at least now I think I might find hope in dispelling my suffering if I meditate on it long enough and taking refuge in the Three Jewels: Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. Maybe I would come to a spiritual understanding.
****
I find my prayers not limiting to only myself, family and friends since. I don't know, I have been praying for world peace and the alleviation of suffering for all sentient beings...
Maybe the China-Tibet problem is getting to me since I live in a monastery of Tibetan monks in exile. Many of them were beaten and arrested last week on the 8th of August for peacefully demonstrating at the big stupa at Boudha. Then on Saturday whilst I was travelling in a cab, I saw a Tibet monk wearing a yellow "Free Tibet" vest bleeding at his forehead down to his eye as he was supported by two passers-by in the middle of traffic, whilst a Western male traveller started focusing his camera on the monk's face snapping pictures away furiously.
Moments later, I spotted a group of six to seven street kids of boys no more than the age of ten. One smoking away and the leader of the pack has started squeezing UHU glue into each of their plastic bags while they sucked hard and inhaled away...
I have sought refuge from Buddha and was given a Tibetan refuge name.
It was strange. On the night of Buddha Teaching Day (which I didn't realise the significance of that day initially), something struck me. I haven't had any traction with my meditation for days and days. That night, the powerful chant that my teacher led suddenly did me in. The night before I nearly burst out laughing midway at meditation when he first started incorporating prayers into meditation. Weirdly on this other occasion, my eyes started tearing. Prior, I was either getting frustrated with my lack of patience or trying to blank out my wandering mind. It was a poignant moment. I heard that uncanny voice within my head saying, "I accept the Dharma." It summed up my commitment to dispel my suffering in this Samsaric world. Now the cynic in me is beginning to understand why some Christians cry so hard in church and claimed to have been "touched by God". One part of me still thinks that it's mass hysteria when a group of people get the same reaction at the same time. But having experienced this sudden overwhelm of feeling (I wasn't even emotional at that point!), I am beginning to contemplate on the plausibility of this spiritual phenomenon.
I have taken three vows out of five that I would keep for the rest of my life. But I didn't dare take the two important vows that might well be the root of my suffering- sexual misconduct and drinking alcohol.
Out of all the meditation that I have been working on, Tonglen has been the only one that worked. It requires me to focus on taking the suffering of someone and as I breathe out, I would give them the positive karma I have accumulated. The Old Boy was the first person I thought of-his samsaric suffering that has been the root of his compounding problems and more. As my heart got heavier with each breath, I prayed my darnest to take away the guilt and burden of his secret life. I heard that voice once again praying that I hope he would find love and fidelity again for his life, even if it meant that I would never the girl who would get a piece of him. With each breath I exhale, I dispelled all the negative karmic imprint of his life and gave him the positiveness that I have accumulated.
I learnt that motivation, dedication and action are the vital basis of creating karma, be it positive or negative. So even if an act wasn't intentional, the very commitment of the act itself is enough to create a karmic imprint...
****
By the way, I nearly sponsored a stray dog who has wandered into the monastery for the rest of her life. She was kicked out of the monastery although she was such a good dog. I embarked on a "Project Compassion" with another equally emphatic classmate. However, to cut the long story short given that we were being told different things by different people initially on the whereabouts of the dog after she was kicked out, it was confirmed by our teacher and a nun that she belonged to a household at a village below the hill.
I went to an uncanny Tibetan/clairvoyant lama with some really strange magic powers. He would ask my name, I would give him my questions (translated by my English speaking lama friend), he would throw his dice and then blow them before giving me the answers. e told me a few things about me which I tested him with the questions, mainly to seek confirmation of his prowess. Then he also alleviated a big part of my sinusitis, which has been a bane to my existence and especially so in Nepal (given that it hindered my ability to meditate properly without causing annoyance to fellow classmates) after he gave me his "magic powder" to inhale... I was supposed to burn this incense powder over the burner but since I haven't got one and was not about to buy one given my being on the move for the next month, I started sniffing my little bag of good stuff...
Yesterday, I bought a cage if four parrot-like birds from an Indian bird seller on the streets near the big stupa at Boudha. They travelled with me for hours to the quaint ancient city of Bhaktupur and finally to the highlands of Nakargot where I stayed at a resort with an unreal room view of feeling like I was in the clouds. I freed them into the wilderness and hope that they will find freedom in this life...
If anything came out of this retreat, Compassion must be the key thing. I find myself buying biscuits and saving up scrapes of my leftover meals at the restaurant for stray dogs in the streets and then I am beginning to avoid eating meat. Yesterday, I spotted a flea and sore ridden black dog who was possibly blind trodding on weakly and slowly like it was heading towards the end of its journey. When he finally had strength to eat my leftover briyani rice with cashew nuts and dates, I said a small prayer for it and hope that it might help to regain some of its strength...
No, I still haven't become enlightened. In fact, I am far from anything like that. I haven't even understood spiritually the notion of "Suffering" linked to "Impermanence and Death" before delving deeper into "Emptiness" before I could ever get into that realm remotely. I still lay in bed thinking about the Old Boy and my love for him. I still have desirous attachment towards him and dogs. So you see, I haven't been internalising my Buddhist education too well.
Most nights, I still have difficulty falling asleep or waking up in the middle of the night, sometimes stirred by a morbid dream of death or pain. At one stage, I jumped up from my sleep and was roused to thinking that someone has knocked on the door of my room and I found myself suddenly being able to recite the dedication that I do after every meditation session-" May all sentient beings everywhere, plagued by an ocean of suffering and pain..."
But at least now I think I might find hope in dispelling my suffering if I meditate on it long enough and taking refuge in the Three Jewels: Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. Maybe I would come to a spiritual understanding.
****
I find my prayers not limiting to only myself, family and friends since. I don't know, I have been praying for world peace and the alleviation of suffering for all sentient beings...
Maybe the China-Tibet problem is getting to me since I live in a monastery of Tibetan monks in exile. Many of them were beaten and arrested last week on the 8th of August for peacefully demonstrating at the big stupa at Boudha. Then on Saturday whilst I was travelling in a cab, I saw a Tibet monk wearing a yellow "Free Tibet" vest bleeding at his forehead down to his eye as he was supported by two passers-by in the middle of traffic, whilst a Western male traveller started focusing his camera on the monk's face snapping pictures away furiously.
Moments later, I spotted a group of six to seven street kids of boys no more than the age of ten. One smoking away and the leader of the pack has started squeezing UHU glue into each of their plastic bags while they sucked hard and inhaled away...
