Restructure- on your own terms

Bash...

I am in the midst of preparing for a surprise 36th birthday bash for DL in November.

It will be a catered function in an award winning French bistro and fine dining restaurant he mentioned he would like to go try out.

Since we haven't got deep pockets to shout the entire group of friends in the restaurant, I have done a catered thing instead in their courtyard where my guests will get served French inspired cuisine canapes and some alcohol and drinks to go around. It should be nice weather by then and the day will be much lighter by then.

The invitations have been sent out and most of his friends have RSVPed.

It is the first time I have planned anything of a surprise for DL in all our years together so it will be awesome to pull it all together and see his expression on the day itself.

I can't wait.

I thought I might as well do something a little bit more adventurous to spice up our rather stagnated relationship.

After all, he might well be the partner in crime for the rest of my life!:)

Memories, memories...

They always take me to a special place and I feel the rush of excitement in my heart and a smile always appears on my face...

I have long suspect my fear of marriage and childbirth have something to with my fear of growing old.

Not in age but in heart and spirit.

I love being one adventure after another.

Who will be my next partner in crime as the numbers dwindle and having more friends settled down?

Blast from the Past...

I must really thank Facebook. Today has been a somewhat lovely day despite a few serious issues and legally precarious situation I am in at work.

I found my old friend AM. Even better news is that AM and DS are now friends. The last I have spoken to DS 3 years ago, the two were not talking.

Anyway, AM has recently got married and lots have happened in his life. Like me, he had lived many times over with the ups and downs in his business ventures and personal lives.

It was nice to catch up. I haven't seen him since that faithful night sometime in 2000 when he came to my house drunk late one night to confess that he was in love with me all this time.

So we started talking and he mentioned he remembered that night and he wasn't drunk. He asked me the same question again as he did that same faithful night- did I remember what I promise him before I left for Australia?

We quickly warmed up chatting like the way we did. He said he remembered the first day we met. That was some 15 years ago and I must say I too remember what I wore and that night.

AM has recently got married and he asked me when it would be my turn and if DL was good to me. Funny he said I am not an easy person to handle and DL must have been a patient man. It's strange coming from an old friend who used to like me. The thing about me being difficult sounded all too familiar. I have heard that from DL, the Old Boy and perhaps some other guy that I had a thing going with. But coming from someone from the past, it starts to make me wonder if there is something fundamentally flawed in my personality.

AM went on to write and wonder aloud if he could still remember my voice. He said I had a unique voice that can be quite irritating when I whined. I was highly amused with his candidness and served him a tongue-in-cheek comeback- "that's why the boys love and hate me!:p" He replied hahahahha... I can be super dramatic queen, like I meant to be a caricature of myself. B used to get the goose bumps when she heard me whine on the phone to DL so I knew what AM meant he said it was "irritating". I didn't know he could remember so much about me.

AM said he wished I never went to Australia and said I changed after that. Which part, I asked? I am still childish and whiney at age 32. He said I just changed.

Have I, really?

But in his mind, P is always that really sweet girl.

He thought I would have bee a tai-tai by now. Obviously not, still struggling and the usual, I laughed.

He said I left an impact in his life when we got to know each other.

How, I asked? He didn't answer.

Tonight, having re-connected with AM gave me a sense of hope.

I don't know what it meant but it took me down to a happy place in my life. Perhaps that innocent, young-at-heart place I once was. That place where I was once in my element or at my prime.

AM remembered me as a super energiser. I don't see that in me now.

It seems like once upon a time, I had that magic touch with friends and people.

For the past few years, I haven't feel so, especially of late. Work puts me down and I often find salaried employment having a draining effect of me. It doesn't help that trouble is brewing at work for me due to an error of judgement I made a while ago that can snowball to something quite consequential. I hold my breath each day I get into work.

The other day, the psychologist who works a few rooms away from me bummed into each other at the kitchen. She invited me to her office to have a friendly chat. I confided in her about my job and funnily, she suggested I should quit it as she felt it wasn't for me. "Your energy comes across as someone bubbly and personable. DOn't let work get you down and make you doubt yourself. I have seen a lot of people coming through to see me with a similar situation with work..."

It was a nice conversation and she gave me some good pragmatic advice to think things through...

I am trying to go along with the signs...

Let's see where all this takes me since it must not be so coincidental that AM and I got in touch again.

It was like some Divine Intervention needed me to continue believing in myself and go back to that happy place...

Spring...

Growing up in humid Singapore, I have been brought up to avoid the sun like a plague.

It's sunny at the moment on a Spring day in Sad Town. I am on a lunch break sitting out in the sun. It's strange. It's the first time I notice so many people out at about sitting on park benches or on the grass admiring what the Caucasians would deem a lovely day ( and my mum deem an awful day best to stay indoors and keep out the heat to stay fair).

So like the rest, I sit out here to admire the day and take a little respite from the mundaneness of a salaried life and contemplate about next steps as my deadline for myself to resign from work draws closer. With the advancement of modern technology, I am out here plugged into my iPhone with music whilst I typed away. Ah the wonders of modern technology.

Funny I never saw this coming in me if I had continued to live in Singapore.

It's time to put up our pool in our backyard and get ready for a hot summer.

I am feeling a little more upbeat today.

Last Weekend

So how was your weekend?

Mine was somewhat interesting.

Talk about blast from the past- it felt like there was some cross interference of telephone lines which led me to feel there is so strange divine intervention at play, except Somewhat Up There must have got it a little mixed up...

On the weekend, DL, Rusty and I made a trip to Sydney. DL had booked into a savoury pie baking class held in a pastry school.

On our drive to Sydney, I decided to send Dope a text to see if we could catch up for coffee since I would have about four hours to kill.

I haven't seen Dope in two years and being the star crossed lovers (and now friends for that matter) that we once were, we always miss each other by the mere second due to mis-matched travelling schedules or simply bad timing. I didn't travel as much and when he does ever rarely return to Sad Town, for some strange reason, I would be out of town.

So I figured I might try my luck and see if we could catch up to see how things are travelling for him. Knowing that he will probably be paying his sleep debt on the weekend whilst he is back in Sydney and not jet setting to be closing the next mining deal, I thought my chances were slim but still worth the go.

Strange things do happen in my life and I have since learnt to follow the signs.

Here we were, DL, Rusty on leash and myself at 1pm, standing outside the pastry school with other eager students, the door to the baking school remained locked. Having nothing better to do and not much in the way of cafes, shops and real estate signs showing open house in this quiet part of the Eastern suburbs, my faithful dog and I waited to see DL into class before we figure out where we could both go next.

The class looked like it was running late and one lady took the initiative to ring the big telephone sign that hung outside the baking school.

To cut the long story short, the baking instructor has got into a car accident an hour before and as such, the class was cancelled. What are the odds, really? To think we travelled inter-state for this on a precious weekend and cancelled one of our business appointments only to have come in vain.

The strange thing though was that I did not "feel" as we were travelling to Sydney that the baking class was going to eventuate and that I was going to savour a pie made by DL. Somehow I felt we were both going to have heaps of spare time to kill in Sydney. It was like I knew I was not going to be left alone with nothing to do in this quiet part of the city.

So I was glad that Dope did not respond to my text.

With the rest of the afternoon free, DL and I took Rusty to a nearby park to roam freely whilst we read the newspapers sitting on the grass, with the nearby church bells tolling away relentlessly on a sunny but windy Spring afternoon. Then we decided to drive back into the city for a Thai massage. For some strange reason, we made a wrong turn whilst being in the city and ended up crossing the Sydney Harbour Bridge paying toll and what not in the direction of the fancy Lower North Shore where my older sibling lives. Ironically, this weekend would have been the ONLY weekend that we would not have to cross the Harbour Bridge given that my older sibling had left the country that morning for overseas on a medical mission.

We were getting a little frustrated and as usual, DL cursed and reiterated the reason why he hated living and driving in Sydney since every wrong turn can result in a costly toll fee. With such short notice, the Thai massage salons in the Lower North Shore vicinity were unable to accomodate us, we headed back into the city centre.

Just as we arrived, I heard the beeping of my phone. Thinking it was the Dope responding to my text, I took out my phone and was ready to respond something along the lines of "Looks like we'll have to catch up another time. DL's class was cancelled."

I was greeted by the text.

"Hey P, how's it going? How's your new work? When are you next back in Sydney?"

It was sent by the Man.

I told him I happen to be in Sydney, how strange. I asked him how his family were and where he was living now.

He replied to say his family is good and has gone back to India for a few months and he said he lived in the suburb in the lower North shore where DL and I had just came from.

How coincidental.

Strange thing is that this hasn't been the first time the Man would text me with such accurate timing.

In the most recent instances, I would be in Sydney when it happens. The thing is I am not even in Sydney that often.

My past comes back to greet me every so often.

Like I said, I have learnt to follow the signs. Somehow I get the sense that some strange cosmic or divine intervention was at play. As some say, there is no real coincidences in this world. I don't know what to make of it and have learnt not to read too deeply into it.

But I do notice a strange phenomenon. There are a few instances where I was meant to catch up with the Man and the Dope on separate occasions in Sydney.

Those rare few times where both our timings matched, I fell into such deep sleep that I had missed all the appointments despite the loud persistent phone calls.

For an insomniac like me who gets awaken from the slightest noise or light, that would be quite the feat. It was like I had fallen into a coma for some incredible reason.

The other ironic thing is leading up to the meeting, there is usually some form of anticipation or excitement building up for both parties, both of the platonic or scintillating (just the mere possibility) kind.

So I have come to terms with the fact that some things are just not meant to be.

There will never be a good enough time.

That just wasn't in the cards.

At Age 32...

It has dawned on me that I am ready to throw in the towel.

To work, that is.

Each day, I feel the dread going to work, especially since my nasty defeat last week where my boss came into town and grinded all the efforts I have garnered into dust particles. I feel like I have taken two steps forwards but thrown four steps backwards.

I felt beaten to the ground.

It was not the nicest scene to be witnessing the near interrogation session about my performance.

Apparently being in bonus territory is not enough for me to achieve my revenue targets. I have been improving my revenue numbers but still it's not good enough.

With clenched fists(mentally) and teeth (almost visibly) and my anger waiting to boil over any minute (apparent in the deep breath I took), I had a bit of an exchange with my boss, whilst trying not to sound too argumentative. I had to stand my ground.

*****

I actually felt wronged for a big part- 80%, I would say. I felt boiling angry to say the least.

Somehow it reminded me of my days as a headhunter where I was such a bloody yes man. I was stressed, unhappy and tired. Most importantly, I felt underappreciated.

I was determined not to be put down unjustly this time.

This time round, I am not going to take anything lying down.

It didn't help that I became aware that my boss had logged onto my server and email remotely and reading my email in my inbox of which I haven't opened.

The great news is your truly rarely writes personal emails at work, with only 2 persons with access to it- Gof and the Dopey Dope. My communication with these two guys are limited to literally one or two-liners, happening on an ad hoc basis, just to either arrange for lunch together with the former and to check that the latter is still alive and not buried under work. So really, there isn't anything too scintillating to find.

All this accumulated dissatisfaction only served to stir up my temper. I feel like a walking time bomb waiting to explode.


****

The truth is I hate working for people. I mean it.

Perhaps being my own boss for the past few years have given me a surge of self confidence and assurance. I wasn't going to let anyone push me around.

The stress levels I have experienced as a salaried employee is a good ten times that of being a struggling self-employed person.

I feel rather out of control and trapped.

So here I am back in the drawing board, finding ways to get out of my predicament.

Solutions, solutions.

I have come out with one.

With the arrival of Spring and summer to come, DL and I need to step up our game with his business, which is tracking along fine. As usual, we can always do better.

I now need to set up another business to complement what we currently do. It was something that we used to do, made good money but it was too labour intensive and physically demanding for us both. With our trusted casual employee long gone back to his home country, I need a fit and able bodied man to do the job.

Instead of me doing the physical hard work, I am going to get someone to do the job, split the money with that someone and then collect the earnings by doing nothing, except the initial marketing and client liason. Still, I should make more than I do slogging away at work.

This way, DL and I can use more of our brains than our limbs and grow our business exponentially. The freaking business we lost good money to did taught us a good thing or two. I will not allow myself to have spent $400k in vain.

I have been spending all weekend thinking of a solution to get out of my employment misery. And there it is. What perfect timing given the time of the year!

I have posted ads to look for potential hires but already have someone in mind. So far, I got 2 CVs. One looks promising but I am not 100% sure.

Tomorrow I will be meeting someone I have in mind. We'll see how it goes.

If I can strike up an arrangement, I would really love to quit my job by the end of this month. Heck waiting for the bonus to get into my bank account. After all, my clients can be such bad payers and I don't get paid until they freaking pay up. I haven't the time to wait for a pittance of my quarterly bonus which I can easily make in my own business within a day or two. But still, I have grown prudent with age and will need to play by ear and access the situation as I go along. Well, at least I would give myself another 2 months or so with the job.

At age 32, I figure life is too short to be stressed over nothing. Really, I don't need any old job to survive. I can survive alright by creating my own job, thank you very much.

DL and I have been down in dumps before, so how much deeper can a shithole get, really?

Just the other day, we realised we have been in business for nearly 2 years now.

I haven't regretted it one bit despite more downs than ups.

Maybe it's a sign that I am finally growing up and feeling a little more sensible?

I stop having the drive I used to have or the competitive edge so to speak.

I now understand why B always wanted a simple life and didn't care for the career advancement. I guess the only thing I can never understand is why she whinges about how she hates each mediocre government job she has downscaled her salary for from the corporate world but continues hopping from one "simple" job to another, feeling unfulfilled and uninspired so many times over. I have lost track of where she works.

I would rather not work in that case. I must say she is someone who has the option to do so since she is married to someone who is established and doing well in his career. Having a child and another on the way is a GREAT excuse or shall I say, valid reason not to work. Morning sickness and work does not go hand in hand. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. I certainly would love to know I don't have to clock into a day job should I so be interested to fall pregnant and have a baby. I do have that old school mentality that a child should never be too far from his or her mother, especially between the age of 0 and 5. What good is there for someone to want a family without being able to spend time with the family he or she creates?

I mean life is too short. Too short to fade into nothingness and inertia or rather, unfulfilment of any kind.

Surely there must be something more to life apart from work and survival for a female aged 30 and beyond even if one has the adult responsibility of family duties?

Well, at least my take is that life 30 and beyond for me, a female is more than just that. It's a time to slowly de-stress and unwind and simply play whilst I work. The wisdom and savviness gained from the foolishness of my youth will serve as my strength in reserve. I will learn my lesson well and aim to spend more time playing than physically working and mentally stressing.

Plus the reason why a lady gets married, to put it in a sexist way, is so one can have someone to depend on in hard time, isn't it? I recalled a socialite in Manila once said to me on marriage, "Choose well." Wise words indeed. I am of that believer that if you cannot make anything out of your own capabilities or haven't the fortune to be born with a silver spoon in your mouth, the good news for woman (again sexist but conventional view) is there is that OPTION to choose a suitable life partner to make the rest of your life a lot easier when you come of age from 18 onwards. But the word of caution is "Choose Wisely".

I often wondered if I have grown to feel defeated with life, given my declining competitiveness. But I realise my love for life is still there, except it's for the simpler things in life. I find myself being more competitive within myself and having a more mellow exterior.

Well, perhaps that's where the term "toned down" comes from. Having said that, I guess with the right company, I am still ready to rock and roll, make merry and party. But for the most part, I feel very comfortable in my skin.

So yup,that's my take on how I should live at age 32 and beyond.

Life can only be better with more time for me to do the things I want. After all, I am probably less than two-thirds closer to death. If I don't play now and do the things I aim to do before I die, when I will get round to ticking off my checklist?

I aim for my eulogy to read something like "I have lived larger than life. Cheers to the good life."

Update

I started my first hand yarn spinning lesson last night.

I sat in between 2 ladies who must be in their late fifties or early sixties.

I had fun.

Now I am muscle training my right feet on the peddle of my spinning wheel as I type this.

If only life can be this simple and blissful everyday...