Restructure- on your own terms

In the Radar

People count others by their uses, P observed since the age of ten. That is how people connect as the notion enables one to relate to another person and make coherent (be it intentional or not) how the other party could potentially fit into one’s life through the role the other plays. The mutual relationship must satisfy some form of agenda be it emotional, intellectual or physical for two to become attracted to each other and come together. That, she reckoned is inherent in the existence of all relationships, be it personal, professional or even between family members.

P always knows how and why she can be popular amongst people and recognizes that her charm lies in her ability to add value to their lives, often filling up the emotional gaps or understanding that they might be deprived of from alternative company. She is fully aware that her natural ability to engage and empathize is her trump card to social success, only if she gets out there enough. But P is by no means a pleaser. Her joy lies in giving and repaying kindness through forming meaningful relationships that is mutually beneficial and what she deemed as productive. So she handpicks- from friends to lovers to partners-in-crime. On that note, her entire life has been built around achieving personal goals that might well be beneficial to another party of interest. She loves a good strategic deal- that is, killing two birds with one stone. In return, she would not short change the other party (be it emotionally, physically and intellectually) and takes pride in her ability to be of “good value” (quoting Dope).

*****

P began her current profession the weekend after they hooked up.

Just as fate would have it that they bumped into each other again in this great big city few years after on a bus traveling inter-state that Dope was meant to miss, only that the bus driver made an exception for this late comer and allowed him in at a traffic junction with much admonishment, they fell into a professional arrangement that appeared mutually beneficial later on.

P loves repaying kindness- that is the way she operates her life. In those dark months of joblessness, Dope was a constant source of encouragement and assistance. He even tried to help her seek employment in the investment bank that he worked in. All those equity research that he supplied her has enabled a charlatan like her to "take a view" of the stock market where she wrote glowing equity reports during interviews for prospective employers and talkedconfidently and assertively to impress the big boys’ club of traders which saw her to the final round of interview as the only female potential stockbroker. Then, she often wondered how she could be of service to help an overworked and discontented Dope who was keen and ambitious to do bigger and even better things. He is already in a great place but holding a first class honours degree in finance with a double degree in commerce and law, nothing is good enough for him yet and he continues to push on in advancing his career. Dope has the brain smarts and P has the street smarts and they were both on the same page with their outlook in life- the need for personal space and the sole pre-occupation to advance. She liked to find a way to make him happy for being there for her, understanding her then predicament and taking great interest in her job hunt and progress. So when she finally got offered a job, they spent the night together on a celebratory note that dawned the arrival of their grey arrangement.

In the first month of her job, P became aware of the hand in fate that further strengthened their bond. Serendipity has it that P worked for a formidable practice, which is renowned in town for what they do because her boss has strong established relationships in the market. And P came to the realization that the spouse of her boss was the CEO of the investment bank that Dope works for. She liked the idea of striking a duo gig with him- her ability to help advance him and in time to come, she might gain an advantage in her profession. But that would come a lot later…

****
Dope first came to the knowledge of her boss during a charity run held by the investment bank. As only employees of the bank were allowed in the VIP tent and obviously P's team, having strong associations with bank with the established personal and professional relationships, her boss noticed P's accompaniement by a gentleman from the bank and cheekily made her way to the young couple for an introduction. Since then, she made a note of the division that he works in and likes to occasionally made cheeky references to the team of their possible romantic involvement, calling Dope P's "part-time" boyfriend, cognizant that P has a boyfriend living in another state. P found that part strategic maneouveur useful for starters and at the back of her constantly tenacious mind, she made it a goal that Dope would make its way on the radar of the Big Man.

The Big Man always knew of Dope's existence, given the division that he works for that gets him at close range to the financial markets on a day in day out basis. But despite so, the Big Man never quite seemed to remember his name although he is known for his great memory, just like his wife. P was ever so determined and her accidental profession has taken on a new meaning and inspiration to advance.

*****

A month ago, P and the team went out for a drinks bonding session after work. The Big Man arrived and P was once again introduced to him for the third time. They sat down for drinks and everyone engaged in witty and interesting conversations. Being the lowest member of the practice food chain, P had little in the way of contributing to constructive topics and was experiencing charm failure. At the back of her weary mind to partake in clever talk, she wondered how she might possibly and aptly lead the conversation to draw attention to herself and invitably encouraging the mention of Dope. The Big Man would definitely look out for Dope, she knew if it came to the attention that there is some connection between the employees of these two organisations. After all, it would be a little bit like a union of him and his wife that the strong professional relationship and tradition are founded upon.

Just as she thought all was lost for the night, she having little luck in exuding any charm, let alone embarking on a mission to "save" others, the conversation was suddenly spotlighted on P.

"You know, there is a boy from your organisation that seemed to take a fancy on our P," the boss jokes as she directed the talk at her husband.

"What's his name again? Dope right? And which division is he working again?" the boss prompted.

The Big Man became interested.

"Dope E J. He worked for MD, in (the department)," she replied, still playing along and dismissing any romantic speculations by the team.

"Mind you. P has a boyfriend. But really, Dope is the part-time boyfriend." another colleague chiped in.

"Ah..." the Big Man smiled.

Then they began making references at how P could utilise this relationship to do business with the bank with the lower level whereas her boss takes care of senior management level.

Amidst the banter against the loud background music, P thought she heard the Big Man speak .

"Well, we could get Dope to do the Sky news commentary with MD the next time then..."

Then followed the cheeky remarks made by the colleagues who said how lucky for Dope to be able to leverage off this relationship.

Whether it was true or not, P knew that the Big Man is sure to take note of Dope from hereon.

Mission accomplished.

She went home thinking that the socialising exercise was not in vain. Something did come out of it.

As she left for the train station, she rang Dope who was still ploughing at the desk. He was to have a long night, given that it was reporting season. As usual, their conversation is terse- she
related the positive news and hung up.

Afterwards, Dope texted her to "chide" her for being a "trouble maker". ;p since he could barely have time to react and she was well her way to make another phone call.

Yay, he is finally in the radar!

*****

Recently, Dope got a review. It seems like he would be getting what he wants and there is a strong desire by the organisation to further groom his potential and respect his wishes to move into another area and possibly to re-locate him for a seachange that he ever so desires.

Maybe she had a hand in further directing that spotlight on him. Maybe not but at least it is confirmed that the Big Man now knows of him. That, she thinks is a rewarding and productive relationship.

That puts a smile on P's face. Even though that means to say that she would get no Dope fix if he gets a move on before her. But ah well...

As always, she knows (for some unexplainable reason) they were fated to be a duo. Since the day his aura attracted her in the winter of 1999 .

Life's Lessons on Kindness and Cruelty

The mind is a strange thing, she reckoned. Why does it have mechanisms with the ability to impose discipline or chaos on one's actions and motivations? And even worse, why is it so capable of hoarding life experiences, especially painful and unpleasant ones to make up what are called "memories"? She forgets so little but even so, she hardly learns and she still errs. Like a chronic attempter at suicide, she grows numb to pain.

*****

Perhaps the most merciful way one could spare another from further hurt sometimes is to walk away and to never look back. Even if that seems irresponsible and cowardly at first. But first, never to promise the other party words that one cannot keep leaving one hanging and stranded with hope. Then one has to will oneself to find ways to closure. Hope can sometimes be a scary emotion, especially the aftermath of hope being crushed. Within her realm of emotions and rationality, she deems the trivialisation of spoken words that inspires hope in another the absolute form of cruelty.

Talk is cheap. But words can be gold, dependant on by whom they are uttered. Especially for people who matter, her words are spoken as honest as she feels. Her only hope is that they reciprocate in kind. Too many broken promises that she could recount even from childhood, the fulfilled ones shone like diamonds amongst pebbles.

She learns to take herself seriously even if others do not feel so for themselves. She figures that's why she never lies when hard questions are asked. She is resolute that her entitlement and that middle ground lie in the right to choosing which questions she wants to answer and which she would not. All the more now as a slightly jaded adult, she would only live on her own terms. In grey arrangements, she knows by now that it is ultimately a futile situation being the liar or the lie-e- she would still bear the brunt of pain. Because she has allowed these people to matter and to carry weight in their words on her...

Realisation, like a form of enlightenment has dawned upon her. The bottom line to managing her emotions from the infliction of words by others is that, one should not have expectations for the mutual reciprocation of anything. They potentially lead to disappointment that might spiral into the abyss of depression.

Thus, one could only hope for the best...

****
"Will I see you again?" she treaded on the question delicately.

"Of course." he tried to sound assuring.

His look into her eyes affirmed that aversion and bravado that she had sensed.

They kissed goodbye and that was the last she saw him.

In hindsight, she should never have asked the question for an answer she should already know.

She allowed his knife to run through her heart.

Just those two words.

Then there were those tender memories that still continues to haunt her...

Price of the lesson paid.

The name of the price is heart- wrenching pain.

****
Age 20

"Do you like me?" she asked during moments of intimacy.

She expected the patronising answer of "yes" typical in the play talking of new love birds (or flings) required to complement the mood and atmosphere of sensuality.

"I don't know." he replied calmly in his aloof self.

"Like you said earlier, we hardly know each other." He continued.

Pause. Tension quite unforseen on her part.

Serious mood emanating in the air around them.

"You know, I wouldn't wait for you, right?"

"No, I didn't expect you to."

Pause again.

"So would you see me off at the airport in 2 weeks?" she attempted to lighten the topic onto a friendlier plateau and pre-empting a conventionally positive answer from him as with others. Be that a truthful answer or not. Anything just to ease the mood.

"No. I'm just not good with these things. I never see any of my friends off."

The first guy who left no room for mystery on his feelings for her where she might re-analyse and search for answers thereafter. Most importantly, he did not lie.

She was somewhat ego bruised then.

But he has held her respect and set that benchmark for her. The way she operates with people and what she seeks out of grey arrangements. Perhaps that helps to shed more light and clarity to her shady deals.

Thank you stranger lover for that kindness.

****

Then there is another kind of cruelty but from fate.

They spent a few days together. They were exotic to each other. Capitalistic vs. Communist. Asian vs. Latino. He exuded an aura of scholarly charm. After all, he is a historian and that appeals to a dilettante like P. He had no money but strong integrity. She loved him for that and felt liberated to be her own woman. And to him, she was this charming and well travelled beauty who took him to the best bars in his hometown where he could only dream of indulging in the best mojitos and Cuban Libre in those nights he had on his whole year's salary...

She had a boyfriend. He had a Cabaret dancer girlfriend who also had another boyfriend.

It was all so wrong but all so right. He still loves her and she loves him too, for it was him who gave her liberation and courage. But their encounter changed her real life for good.

Like all the good men in her life do, he displayed his affection for her to so much as a peck on her cheek. She never once entered her hotel room even if she were to bribe the security guards at the lobby.

They took one picture together at the Chinese restaurant in Barrino Chino for memory's sake.

When they said their final goodbyes, she made bold and kissed him on the lips. He pulled away and looked at her because it was not the right thing to do. Then he turned and left.

She thought it was cruel of him then but now, she knows better.

As fate is just as capable of being cruel as the people that mattered in her life, the photo could not be developed. Not even one photo to grant her of re-affirming their joint existence. But the resounding impact of her memories of those nights in Havana would forever invigorate her soul...

Fate cruelly denied them and left no visual evidence. Them at that happy place together. For the first time in two years, for her then.

She could only be thankful in this instance that she has a vivd memory of things.

She wondered if he would ever make it to step out of his country in this lifetime and see other beautiful parts of the world (that she would tell him about) and make use of his language abilities (currently four). And he, probably wondered if he would ever see her again, acknowledging that her life has to return to that real part of what constitutes her world, her life...

Funny how, that was where she was some three years ago today...

****

Time to catch up Karma...

People are fond of exiting and entering P's life in a whim. She also appears to have this ability of thinking of a person and if she thinks hard enough, they re-appear in her life and often, quite spookily, before her...

By afternoon, she had three people who had gone missing in action in her life for too long and who made contact with her.

There was MM, a close friend of hers, a shoe designer from her Parisian days ringing her up randomly from The Philippines. But then again, all her close friends from fashion schools would do so, often ringing her up quite suddenly at an ungodly hour, oblivious to the major time differences. Today MM rang her and amidst the bad line, P asked how she was and why did she call. Her reply was that she woke up and decided she wanted to see how everyone was going and so she picked up the phone and dialled P's number. Then the line got cut off and MM didn't call back. P looked through her phone and found her number missing.

Then there was her prodigial best friend here who had gone missing in action since last November. She has been a lady of leisure for close to a year now due to her refusal to work and her need to escape from adult responsibilites and is still gallivanting in Hong Kong. Damm, P's DKNY dress is still with her, she thought. She decided to write her an email to see when she's coming back. Funnily, she wrote back to say that she had just thought of P and had sent her a message on friendster. She said she's coming back soon. And P mentioned she might be leaving for good at some stage... She then replied," remember what u use to say.... wherever u are.... i am always there. looks like this time is not the case. when i come back u leaving me again =(" So many things have passed in P's life since then, she thought. Any news would be old news, really...

She turned to checking her junk email and was pleasantly surprised to get a message from someone that she had been mildly aware of missing from her life. She remembered his birthday in June but for some reason, for the first time in 3 years, she did not write him a birthday note. He, who had changed her life emotionally and intellectually... He used to be a big part of her life and that was then. Still, the melodies of Buena Vista social club, Havana club rums and Monete Cristo cigars forever lingers on in her memories of her brush with Cuba and J. Her Cuban man wrote to want to hear from him and apologised for the computer problems that he was experiencing on their end... as always signed off with much love... now, that, she thought was quite a pleasant surprise...

Like people say, things always come in threes. Bad and good things.

She is glad that things started on a positive note today.

*********

Well, quite a load of crap she's just written she reckoned.

She thinks she better get going to end the night positively.

Dope has kept her waiting tonight and has just treaded on her toes yet again on email. Not because it is a wasted night waiting to catch him (and him having to go pick his Designated Love up) but because of his stupidity of asking her the wrong questions.

So she better get going before he gets a chance at aggravating her further with his ability to not get it.

Rollercoaster...

Her emotions are taken on a rollercoaster ride again. And now it's only mid day on her end and she had experienced a gamat of high spirits that is now gradually going downhill...

DL phoned this morning with news that caught her by surprise. He went for an interview today (without telling her, hopefully to not jinx it) for a job in professional services and before he could ask any intelligent sounding questions (which she had prepped him for many a zillionth time for that hopeful big break), the Big Man was discussing contracts with him before he could take it all in and a sum quite above the market rate in her opinion is put on the table. But they are holding their breaths for a bit. After all, things might well go under the table. Not till he gets the contract, then they read the fine print and then she might get him to ask more questions before signing on the dotted lines. They had too many misses where things fucked up at the eleventh hour for him that they now reside on the more cautionary and pessimistic side of hope. Silently, she glowed but took care to suppress her elation...

Then the Big boss gathered the team some twenty minutes ago to make an announcement. Her master, the King has resigned and will head off to a rival firm. The air was tense. No one knew what to say. After all, this is a real tight-knittedfamily. She kept her mouth shut because she has enough to worry about her career at the moment and most importantly, the team is down to one and that is her. A fledeling mapper who had ridden on the coat tails of the King. It's sink or swim now Babe, the thought challenges her but then she's sad... What is she going to do without her B Sir (she would call him endearingly)? When B Sir said that to her the last time, she suppressed the tears that welled up because she knew it was a matter of time for her departure as negotiations are in the works for her. She thinks that she's likely not to be here any longer too...

When she tried opening up her mouth, she said weakly, taking care to suppress her choked voice and said, "We'll miss you..."

The happy family unit is falling apart... the dynamics would change for good...

Why is she so overwhelmed with sadness, she asked herself?After all, life is welded by so many partings and endings.

Then she realised maybe it's because she's beginning to have a soul....

But in January, her best friend rightly pointed it out to her during P's attempt to rationalise her escalating depression and sappiness when her visiting friend was due to leave. P has always been the first to leave and she was never the person who saw anyone off. She came and go as she wished and always played the role of the seasoned foreign local who gets a good welcoming home... Or fate would intervene and made the hard decisions easy for her.She never stayed long enough anywhere and has been in the physical and mental state of transition for the past 10 years and even when young, her mind was always wandering and believing that she would leave her place of birth and live life elsewhere. Onwards- she has that mindset ingrained in her...So when her best friend sank into grief and so did her other friends some ten years ago, she could not understand why...

So something reinforced within her today- that, perhaps she has a long way to learning the emotion of detachment from playing the role of "the deserted"... She has been a deserter for too long...

How did that happen?

Six years have passed just like that.

More downs than ups in their joint lives together.

It seemed the storm has calmed down and settled, inevitably leaving its mark.

But well, they did survived each other alright.

And again, another year gone by for them to reminisce privately their lives without each other.

It wouldn't do for her. And she knows for him too. And for their little fluff ball.

They are just good for each other. Like yin and yang.

But again, she has her own demons to exorcise first. After all, the Pandora's box is opened and there requires great will to keep shut...

The course of true love never did run smooth. That thought spoken ironically in her mind and that dark half smile re-surfaced once more.

****

But lately, she is experiencing that "high" again in their relationship. Like she feels that finally they might come together and be in sync. She looks forward to spending her weekend with him and back at their joint abode like never before. Suddenly, she understands the notion of "home is where the heart" is.

She never had a heart before. In that way. She never missed anyone real. Real, as in people who formed the daily fabric of her life. She always lived with that instinctive selfishness to go about life surviving because people dear to her could only bring her disappointment, pressure and unwanted negative energy. So she came and go as people do in her life. But DL is always there for her despite all their imperfections and misgivings. So she learnt to stay and learnt to be consistent, like he is to her. For once, she made her own choice and will not bow down to the challenges thrown by fate...

His loyalty, integrity and his ability to love unconditionally is paramount and like a worshipper, she sees him in the light of a Higher Being. She must be one hell of a lucky bitch. After all, every dog has its day. Hers must have come earlier than she expected.

****

So guess it's exactly six years today and they are still counting...

That first day , she remembered was a Wednesday and it was raining when their emotions were hinted in the open. Like the shades thathas dominated her entire life and state of mind, she became his grey arrangement. Then they became official because he walked away from his six years with her.

****

"Happy Anniwersary, Darling" she declared to him today cheekily and endearingly in the worst possible English.

She is quite fond of butchering languages and distorting words when she speaks to him. And him and only him have that privilege to enjoy her in disgust, much to their great delight.

As she count the days where she would return home for the weekend, she looks forward to their usual episode of them three playing catch, doing a jumpy forward roll into bed to "crush" the other, being disgusted by her behaviour and expressions and laughing uncontrollably at her bawdy jokes and for the nth time, knows that she would once again wish that she never left. They can make each other extremely happy and she reasoned, hence, just as sad. It takes one to know the other to make and break each other.

They must still be in love then. Don't you think?

Birthday Dinner Negotiations

09/08/2006 02:19 PM
Subject: RE: Lunch?

Oh Dopey,

I am relieved cos I got a wad of surmounting bills to pay and I need a boost in my savings a/c. Really, the $$$ is just about enough (maybe not after tax) to pay off my debts.

But first of, I will take Dopey out for dinner :) So do you reckon we could do so tmrw- don't disappoint me baby!!!!;)

so what are you doing for Barb's farewell? Have you bought her a present yet?

P

Sent: Wednesday, 9 August 2006 2:58 PM
Subject: RE: Lunch?


well that's good news at least -- and you'll have some to spend for Melbourne too - see: told you things weren't that bad!!

i'll have to check with X about tomorrow, as we haven't had our birthday thing either - she might be planning something for tomorrow

barbs farewell is just drinks... not sure what is going on with the present yet


09/08/2006 03:31 PM
Subject: RE: Lunch?


I haven't thought that far ahead yet to the wkend!!! Besides, I think window shopping would be wise. I need to allocate a huge chunk of money either to pay debts or to save for that possible re-location.

Fine!!! Let me guarantee you- once you check with her- voila, you will end up doing something with her!!!! It's like throwing caution to the wind- but in this case, caution or no caution, think she'll have sth set up for you. After all, her world revolves around you!!!! if not, there'll be the excuse of "needing" you to go with her to pick up baby boy!!! God, like baby boy is a real baby and cannot drive!!!!

So why dun you tell me tmrw is not happening so I could perhaps not get myself excited over nothing and probably know that I should stay on at work to do the night burner and have a peace of mind that I wd get more work done?

Ok- I rest my case.

Sent: Wednesday, 9 August 2006 5:34 PM
Subject: RE: Lunch?

alright, we'll do dinner then tomorrow

****

Who is he kidding? she wondered.

She just knows her type. Never letting up. After all, she has done pretty well to get herself a seemingly good deal with him.

Recently, P is beginning to get increasingly irritated with her neediness and excuses just to keep him close. She wondered why he would allow himself to be subjected to this "responsibility" (as he indicated). Burden, she is- her blunt self would be all ready to scream out.

She promised herself she would never be one of those. Weak is what she would describe him sometimes in his presence when she has a failure in humour and where she could no longer not speak her mind.

How ironic- him being a strategist by profession with no ability to pre-empting outcomes and creating an escape route for himself!