Wednesday, October 25, 2006
First clue for the Big Boy
(yes you know who you are;) )
30/12/05
I just realise that today's the eve of New Year's eve. George's birthday. As I take stock of the "social" events of Year 2005, there seems to be a recurring theme- "The x years of overdue kiss" or "Memory Lane Re-visited". Oh, and M of last year is arriving in Singapore today...
E- the 7-year too late kiss. Then there's Dope- the 5.5 year too late kiss. So this year, I am just ticking off my checklist of overdue crushes...
Well, my head's pretty disorganised at the moment, trying to decide who to talk about first. My latest squeeze and the events that has unfolded with Dope since the last time I penned my thoughts...
Suddenly, these 2 seemed to make rather blend topics to talk about. None are providing me with the intellectual stimulation that I am searching for. Thought Dope would make the cut and then I might have a deal there. Like I said "The Respectful Murderer" story needs to be told before pleasures could begin. But Dope is really not that into me and has turned out to be a non-sexual/ controlled person...
As for E, I thought I caught a glimmer of promise yesterday in his articles. But I may be wrong. He propositions sex in too unsophisticated a way and I have a nagging suspicion that his moans and groans during our make-out sessions are somewhat rehearsed and stylised. It always reminds me of cheesy x-rated movies and that doesn't quite do it for me and turn me on...
More details should be given to both guys. Especially with E for the moment. The way he propositions sex, his insistence that we should go to a hotel etc...Tacky, cheesy.
(yes you know who you are;) )
30/12/05
I just realise that today's the eve of New Year's eve. George's birthday. As I take stock of the "social" events of Year 2005, there seems to be a recurring theme- "The x years of overdue kiss" or "Memory Lane Re-visited". Oh, and M of last year is arriving in Singapore today...
E- the 7-year too late kiss. Then there's Dope- the 5.5 year too late kiss. So this year, I am just ticking off my checklist of overdue crushes...
Well, my head's pretty disorganised at the moment, trying to decide who to talk about first. My latest squeeze and the events that has unfolded with Dope since the last time I penned my thoughts...
Suddenly, these 2 seemed to make rather blend topics to talk about. None are providing me with the intellectual stimulation that I am searching for. Thought Dope would make the cut and then I might have a deal there. Like I said "The Respectful Murderer" story needs to be told before pleasures could begin. But Dope is really not that into me and has turned out to be a non-sexual/ controlled person...
As for E, I thought I caught a glimmer of promise yesterday in his articles. But I may be wrong. He propositions sex in too unsophisticated a way and I have a nagging suspicion that his moans and groans during our make-out sessions are somewhat rehearsed and stylised. It always reminds me of cheesy x-rated movies and that doesn't quite do it for me and turn me on...
More details should be given to both guys. Especially with E for the moment. The way he propositions sex, his insistence that we should go to a hotel etc...Tacky, cheesy.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Spring Cleaning
She is getting tired in a stagnated way.
Dope is first tossed out of the door.
DL could be next anytime if he does not get his attitude right. The long term partnership cannot work if they don't get it right. He has been hard work and it's been a long haul. She has held his hand long enough.
She grew tired and then was somewhat invigorated. Now it could just happen either way with DL. She knows not what to think.
Well, as for M, he is hardly there so guess best to leave things the way they are. No more tears, no fuss and let everything recede with memory...
She is getting tired in a stagnated way.
Dope is first tossed out of the door.
DL could be next anytime if he does not get his attitude right. The long term partnership cannot work if they don't get it right. He has been hard work and it's been a long haul. She has held his hand long enough.
She grew tired and then was somewhat invigorated. Now it could just happen either way with DL. She knows not what to think.
Well, as for M, he is hardly there so guess best to leave things the way they are. No more tears, no fuss and let everything recede with memory...
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Dope Withdrawal
Following the last electronic tiff, P has decided that enough is enough. The more she dwells on it, the further it piqued her.
Dope does not add very much value to her life.
It’s spring now and what better time to start emotionally cleaning house?
Almost a year has past and they are still back to square one.
It irritates her now (previously frustrated and somewhat slightly amused when she has her sense of humour) that he lacked spontaneity with everything. And how he is always so anal about everything- from hand washing his designer business shirts, to his precise habit of carefully folding his napkin to the smallest possible square that he could produce and to the way he looked so hard at the receipt each time he pays up for them… She used to laugh and say that his behaviour resembled more like a woman (well, the conventional ideal if you know what P means).
Ironically, his attentiveness stops just there. Not that he would notice her missing presence as with the last time, she stopped contact with him for a good two weeks for a more serious matter (attempted to make contact with her best friend on the sly- long distance!) and he thought she wanted some personal space. How convenient an excuse!
His life revolves around doing things on his terms, always disguised by that aloofness and his self proclaimed “slowness”. Well, let X run after him and be that virtuous wife-to-be. After all, their fates are sealed together. Maybe they are indeed meant for each other.
P has no time for his “slowness” and coy games and his ability to get it with her!
She has to be on the go.
Funny, P can bet you, he wouldn’t even realise that he has pissed her off big time this time round.
Why does she care when the provoker doesn’t even?
Ok, enough!
Following the last electronic tiff, P has decided that enough is enough. The more she dwells on it, the further it piqued her.
Dope does not add very much value to her life.
It’s spring now and what better time to start emotionally cleaning house?
Almost a year has past and they are still back to square one.
It irritates her now (previously frustrated and somewhat slightly amused when she has her sense of humour) that he lacked spontaneity with everything. And how he is always so anal about everything- from hand washing his designer business shirts, to his precise habit of carefully folding his napkin to the smallest possible square that he could produce and to the way he looked so hard at the receipt each time he pays up for them… She used to laugh and say that his behaviour resembled more like a woman (well, the conventional ideal if you know what P means).
Ironically, his attentiveness stops just there. Not that he would notice her missing presence as with the last time, she stopped contact with him for a good two weeks for a more serious matter (attempted to make contact with her best friend on the sly- long distance!) and he thought she wanted some personal space. How convenient an excuse!
His life revolves around doing things on his terms, always disguised by that aloofness and his self proclaimed “slowness”. Well, let X run after him and be that virtuous wife-to-be. After all, their fates are sealed together. Maybe they are indeed meant for each other.
P has no time for his “slowness” and coy games and his ability to get it with her!
She has to be on the go.
Funny, P can bet you, he wouldn’t even realise that he has pissed her off big time this time round.
Why does she care when the provoker doesn’t even?
Ok, enough!
Monday, October 16, 2006
Dukka
Perhaps the hardest things to write about are the things that matters most. The people who have a way of striking a deep chord in your heart. With the precision of a surgeon, they cut you right there. And you allow yourself to bleed and hurt. Then for some reason, when all is well and healing, you re-visit and prod at that old wound and re-open it, allowing yourself to weaken again. And start that vicious cycle of bleed, hurt and heal, bleed, hurt and heal until you become numb to the pain and addicted to that indulgent act of self-destruction...
You continue to be trapped in your own dukka...
******
M is ever so capable of stealing her heart. Twice over.
She has allowed it. And so she bears the consequences.
*******
She had willed herself for an extended period of time to stop writing to him.
Then there was also that trip to Hong Kong that he had anticpated and that she had promised to make before September.
It is now already October and P has not stepped her foot into that island.
Every so often when she headed down to the travel agent to quote for a return trip to Hong Kong, she grew apprehensive.
She oscillated between staying practical and delaying closure.
She debated within herself that M could not justify for that financial outlay of more than $1000 after all the hurt and anger that he had inflicted on him. Then what of it if she makes it there for that one week or so? She could only return with an even broken heart that she had taken time to heal gradually. What is the point?
Then, there was also the other voice within her that would not let go. The faster she were to see him next, the sooner the closure to that chapter. Especially when he leaves Asia and continue onwards in his worldly travels, P would never know where to track him down next. Maybe it would be too emotionally draining and practically impossible to do so as she gets stuck at the other side of the world. She thinks she lack his youth and boldness....
After all, M is a young boy with many adventures out there for him to chase- oh so typical of his culture and his worldly upbringing where he takes time to smell the roses.
Whereas P is ever so practical, socially ambitious and career driven who just wants to get on financially in her life (as M observed) and always seem to have a demeanour of impatience, going about life in a hurry (another of M's observations).
Best to leave it like an open-ended ticket, both knowing full well they have a date to meet and come together again but all to be determined at a future date. And only when P is ready...
***********
She is still sucker for him despite it all.
He wrote back on Friday and signed off with "besos" after months of resistance. Before, perhaps to do the right thing or perhaps, he has stopped loving her.
Or perhaps she doesn't matter now and so those words were so easily and cheaply expressed?
The undercurrent between them continues to seethe further despite the Truth being out in the open. Hers that is. She left nothing to his imagination and told him everything he wanted and needed to know. They were not to repeat that topic again. Ironically, it merely served to heighten their need to second-guess the other's private relationship status as they occasionally and very carefully, alluded to the subject and searched for their own clues...
And still after so long, she still preciously cherished those words and allows such thriftily conceived gestures of affection to light up her being...
How stupid can one be, knowing full well the emotional trappings that lay ahead?
Perhaps the hardest things to write about are the things that matters most. The people who have a way of striking a deep chord in your heart. With the precision of a surgeon, they cut you right there. And you allow yourself to bleed and hurt. Then for some reason, when all is well and healing, you re-visit and prod at that old wound and re-open it, allowing yourself to weaken again. And start that vicious cycle of bleed, hurt and heal, bleed, hurt and heal until you become numb to the pain and addicted to that indulgent act of self-destruction...
You continue to be trapped in your own dukka...
******
M is ever so capable of stealing her heart. Twice over.
She has allowed it. And so she bears the consequences.
*******
She had willed herself for an extended period of time to stop writing to him.
Then there was also that trip to Hong Kong that he had anticpated and that she had promised to make before September.
It is now already October and P has not stepped her foot into that island.
Every so often when she headed down to the travel agent to quote for a return trip to Hong Kong, she grew apprehensive.
She oscillated between staying practical and delaying closure.
She debated within herself that M could not justify for that financial outlay of more than $1000 after all the hurt and anger that he had inflicted on him. Then what of it if she makes it there for that one week or so? She could only return with an even broken heart that she had taken time to heal gradually. What is the point?
Then, there was also the other voice within her that would not let go. The faster she were to see him next, the sooner the closure to that chapter. Especially when he leaves Asia and continue onwards in his worldly travels, P would never know where to track him down next. Maybe it would be too emotionally draining and practically impossible to do so as she gets stuck at the other side of the world. She thinks she lack his youth and boldness....
After all, M is a young boy with many adventures out there for him to chase- oh so typical of his culture and his worldly upbringing where he takes time to smell the roses.
Whereas P is ever so practical, socially ambitious and career driven who just wants to get on financially in her life (as M observed) and always seem to have a demeanour of impatience, going about life in a hurry (another of M's observations).
Best to leave it like an open-ended ticket, both knowing full well they have a date to meet and come together again but all to be determined at a future date. And only when P is ready...
***********
She is still sucker for him despite it all.
He wrote back on Friday and signed off with "besos" after months of resistance. Before, perhaps to do the right thing or perhaps, he has stopped loving her.
Or perhaps she doesn't matter now and so those words were so easily and cheaply expressed?
The undercurrent between them continues to seethe further despite the Truth being out in the open. Hers that is. She left nothing to his imagination and told him everything he wanted and needed to know. They were not to repeat that topic again. Ironically, it merely served to heighten their need to second-guess the other's private relationship status as they occasionally and very carefully, alluded to the subject and searched for their own clues...
And still after so long, she still preciously cherished those words and allows such thriftily conceived gestures of affection to light up her being...
How stupid can one be, knowing full well the emotional trappings that lay ahead?
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Electronic Tiff
P is really piqued!!!
She is too tired to argue with him.
He just doesn't get it does he?
Maybe this might well be the end of it...
What a day (amidst 1001 better things to get on with)!
*************
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 9:01 AM
To: P
Subject: yo
sorry about having to go so quickly yesterday
HoR came over to talk with me - you kinda' have to hang up the phone if you know what I mean
how's it all going?
12/10/2006 09:11 AM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
Hey, that's cool.
Hope all is great on ur end?
Lunch tmrw, maybe?
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 9:54 AM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
it's ok - just the usual really
tomorrow? will have to let you know tomorrow - there's a bit on presently
things keep popping up "
12/10/2006 09:56 AM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
No worries.
I presume you are "off-limits" on the weekend?
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 10:02 AM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
off-limits??
don't know about that
but i'll be at a wedding in the blue mountains
how about yourself?
12/10/2006 10:16 AM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
off-limits (as we used for companies we cannot headhunt from since they are or were our clients and we have so clauses tied to the agreement) since wkends are ur domestic time...
I see (about the wedding) so you are unavailable for another reason then!
I would be here!
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 10:52 AM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
well it depends really - i try not to do too many chores on weekends, unless i really have to - but i'm not super-duper active either. I think i'll have to do my tax this weekend.
true - can't say i'm looking forward to attending - although I'll see lots of my old school friends there
ok - anything interesting planned?
12/10/2006 10:58 AM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
You are too lazy-dopey!!!;p Yeah u better get your A**e cracking on the tax returns.
so it's on sat? why not, at least u would see ur ex-schoolmates
No- gof and the boys are coming up and want to catch up for dinner on sat nite but I haven't replied them. Not quite in a social mood. reason for staying put this wkend is to try to do some chores and sit down for some serious revision...
say, when are you coming back this wkend? Might need some help with revision (for real!!!)... I cannot understand economics for the most part!
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 11:36 AM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
yeah - i know - too much elegant slumming... have two more weekends I think to finish tax
i think it's on Saturday - i need to check the invite
well that sounds like fun - see you have domestics too
as if you need help with economics! miss golden key - it's just first year stuff - and i'm not really that economically driven
12/10/2006 11:53 AM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
they are not my domestics!!! Just my friends! My domestic would consist of DL and Fluff Ball! And so when I refer to your domestics, they are.... X & X (baby boy!)
If you recall, Miss GK dropped economics at Yr 11 by not going for her mid-year exams and at university, she had someone sit her exams for her... so she has not grasp the fundamentals...
so I take it that I won't be able to get help from you, Mr 1st class honours/ selfish... Fine!
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 11:59 AM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
domestics as in household chores
yes I do recall that - however given your superior intellect, i'm sure you can pick up basic economics quite quickly
i didn't say that - but remember I'm not trained in economics anymore than you - I did honours in finance, which is a completely different field of study
" 12/10/2006 12:04 PM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
I cannot even do 1st yr economics and grasp the fundamentals, esp macroeconomics which is what the course is all about and which was the exam that I had Jane sit for me! If you cannot assist me by explaining to me what I think I don't quite understand, then I can think of 2 possible scenarios
1) you must be dumber than me in economics or
2) you are selfish and you just don't feel like helping me.
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 2:29 PM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
hmmm.... very good reasoning
actually there could be a third one: all of the above! Heheh
12/10/2006 03:23 PM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
Not funny!!!
No sense of humour at the moment.
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 4:07 PM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
oh c'mon!
who said I was being funny??
: P
12/10/2006 04:15 PM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
SERIOUSLY!!!
I am NOT impressed.
I won't ask you for help then.
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 4:29 PM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
well that's up to you, isn't it?
afterall, you ask me for help
i don't say no
and then you accuse me of being selfish... twice
12/10/2006 05:09 PM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
yeah- now it's up to me hey when I am at the mercy of your "desire" to help?!!!!
well didn't u say it was "all of the above"??? ie. dumb at economics + selfish & don't want to help?
Not an accusation- it was an admission on your part!
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 5:18 PM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
ah... dear dear dear
the joys of entangling yourself with someone with legal training...
what did I actually admit to?
Nothing
i might have implied or inferred stuff, but I didn't admit to anything
have a careful read of the dialogue
12/10/2006 05:30 PM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
OK
what I have discerned from your inference (if you like it better that way) to "all of the above" was that you do not want to help me!
I don't care for your sophistication of verbally excusing yourself out of a situation!
Failure of having a sense of humour!
I was asking for help for real (if you notice that I have not added wanting to re-enact a "high school scenario" revision session) so I do appreciate if you were upfront as to whether you would like to or was able to help me!
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 5:53 PM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
ok, but it's an inference - your inference / interpretation of what i'm saying
that doesn't make it correct.
and i'm not in a situation, so I don't need to excuse myself from it.
if you are asking for my help for real, then you should consider when it is convenient for me to help you - and accusing me of being selfish when it is you requiring my help does not really do much for your cause - regardless what sort of mood you are in
i didn't say I would not like to help you - i merely said i'm not good at what you are asking help for. AND, I don't know whether I'm free this weekend because I've got a lot on.
From: P
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 6:15 PM
To: Dope
Subject: RE: yo
Shall I just say my mood was ok until I got your email and "inferred" that you weren't going to help me when you set out that you are not economically driven...
Initially, I thought fine- you are probably joking around with me but when I took it further and you still kept going with selecting "all of the above", I really take it that it was your way of rejecting me outright.
Naturally, I am NOT impressed!
Well, I do not assume that when one is free, one has to help me. Hence, I wanted to know if you were able to help me instead of asking about your schedule first.
In regards to asking what you were doing this wkend, I was just checking since I wasn't going to be back in Canberra and was wondering if you might be free. Maybe we could do something (not just study!) since we have never spent time on the wkends!
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 6:51 PMTo: PSubject: RE: yo
what i'm saying is i'm not great at economics, so you shouldn't be expecting to gain a lot from me helping you to start off with. That your mood got worse when I said this because you thought I was joking would actually give me more of a reason not to be impressed with you than vice versa; especially as you called me selfish: twice. In fact, I can't see any reason whatsoever for you to be "not impressed".
i also don't know when i'm coming back from the blue mountains, so this weekend may not be any good regardless
what sort of economics understanding problems are you having?
have you signed up for one of the study groups? They're pretty helpful
P is really piqued!!!
She is too tired to argue with him.
He just doesn't get it does he?
Maybe this might well be the end of it...
What a day (amidst 1001 better things to get on with)!
*************
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 9:01 AM
To: P
Subject: yo
sorry about having to go so quickly yesterday
HoR came over to talk with me - you kinda' have to hang up the phone if you know what I mean
how's it all going?
12/10/2006 09:11 AM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
Hey, that's cool.
Hope all is great on ur end?
Lunch tmrw, maybe?
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 9:54 AM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
it's ok - just the usual really
tomorrow? will have to let you know tomorrow - there's a bit on presently
things keep popping up "
12/10/2006 09:56 AM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
No worries.
I presume you are "off-limits" on the weekend?
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 10:02 AM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
off-limits??
don't know about that
but i'll be at a wedding in the blue mountains
how about yourself?
12/10/2006 10:16 AM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
off-limits (as we used for companies we cannot headhunt from since they are or were our clients and we have so clauses tied to the agreement) since wkends are ur domestic time...
I see (about the wedding) so you are unavailable for another reason then!
I would be here!
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 10:52 AM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
well it depends really - i try not to do too many chores on weekends, unless i really have to - but i'm not super-duper active either. I think i'll have to do my tax this weekend.
true - can't say i'm looking forward to attending - although I'll see lots of my old school friends there
ok - anything interesting planned?
12/10/2006 10:58 AM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
You are too lazy-dopey!!!;p Yeah u better get your A**e cracking on the tax returns.
so it's on sat? why not, at least u would see ur ex-schoolmates
No- gof and the boys are coming up and want to catch up for dinner on sat nite but I haven't replied them. Not quite in a social mood. reason for staying put this wkend is to try to do some chores and sit down for some serious revision...
say, when are you coming back this wkend? Might need some help with revision (for real!!!)... I cannot understand economics for the most part!
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 11:36 AM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
yeah - i know - too much elegant slumming... have two more weekends I think to finish tax
i think it's on Saturday - i need to check the invite
well that sounds like fun - see you have domestics too
as if you need help with economics! miss golden key - it's just first year stuff - and i'm not really that economically driven
12/10/2006 11:53 AM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
they are not my domestics!!! Just my friends! My domestic would consist of DL and Fluff Ball! And so when I refer to your domestics, they are.... X & X (baby boy!)
If you recall, Miss GK dropped economics at Yr 11 by not going for her mid-year exams and at university, she had someone sit her exams for her... so she has not grasp the fundamentals...
so I take it that I won't be able to get help from you, Mr 1st class honours/ selfish... Fine!
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 11:59 AM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
domestics as in household chores
yes I do recall that - however given your superior intellect, i'm sure you can pick up basic economics quite quickly
i didn't say that - but remember I'm not trained in economics anymore than you - I did honours in finance, which is a completely different field of study
" 12/10/2006 12:04 PM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
I cannot even do 1st yr economics and grasp the fundamentals, esp macroeconomics which is what the course is all about and which was the exam that I had Jane sit for me! If you cannot assist me by explaining to me what I think I don't quite understand, then I can think of 2 possible scenarios
1) you must be dumber than me in economics or
2) you are selfish and you just don't feel like helping me.
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 2:29 PM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
hmmm.... very good reasoning
actually there could be a third one: all of the above! Heheh
12/10/2006 03:23 PM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
Not funny!!!
No sense of humour at the moment.
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 4:07 PM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
oh c'mon!
who said I was being funny??
: P
12/10/2006 04:15 PM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
SERIOUSLY!!!
I am NOT impressed.
I won't ask you for help then.
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 4:29 PM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
well that's up to you, isn't it?
afterall, you ask me for help
i don't say no
and then you accuse me of being selfish... twice
12/10/2006 05:09 PM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
yeah- now it's up to me hey when I am at the mercy of your "desire" to help?!!!!
well didn't u say it was "all of the above"??? ie. dumb at economics + selfish & don't want to help?
Not an accusation- it was an admission on your part!
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 5:18 PM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
ah... dear dear dear
the joys of entangling yourself with someone with legal training...
what did I actually admit to?
Nothing
i might have implied or inferred stuff, but I didn't admit to anything
have a careful read of the dialogue
12/10/2006 05:30 PM
To: Dope
cc:
Subject: RE: yo
OK
what I have discerned from your inference (if you like it better that way) to "all of the above" was that you do not want to help me!
I don't care for your sophistication of verbally excusing yourself out of a situation!
Failure of having a sense of humour!
I was asking for help for real (if you notice that I have not added wanting to re-enact a "high school scenario" revision session) so I do appreciate if you were upfront as to whether you would like to or was able to help me!
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 5:53 PM
To: P
Subject: RE: yo
ok, but it's an inference - your inference / interpretation of what i'm saying
that doesn't make it correct.
and i'm not in a situation, so I don't need to excuse myself from it.
if you are asking for my help for real, then you should consider when it is convenient for me to help you - and accusing me of being selfish when it is you requiring my help does not really do much for your cause - regardless what sort of mood you are in
i didn't say I would not like to help you - i merely said i'm not good at what you are asking help for. AND, I don't know whether I'm free this weekend because I've got a lot on.
From: P
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 6:15 PM
To: Dope
Subject: RE: yo
Shall I just say my mood was ok until I got your email and "inferred" that you weren't going to help me when you set out that you are not economically driven...
Initially, I thought fine- you are probably joking around with me but when I took it further and you still kept going with selecting "all of the above", I really take it that it was your way of rejecting me outright.
Naturally, I am NOT impressed!
Well, I do not assume that when one is free, one has to help me. Hence, I wanted to know if you were able to help me instead of asking about your schedule first.
In regards to asking what you were doing this wkend, I was just checking since I wasn't going to be back in Canberra and was wondering if you might be free. Maybe we could do something (not just study!) since we have never spent time on the wkends!
From: Dope
Sent: Thursday, 12 October 2006 6:51 PMTo: PSubject: RE: yo
what i'm saying is i'm not great at economics, so you shouldn't be expecting to gain a lot from me helping you to start off with. That your mood got worse when I said this because you thought I was joking would actually give me more of a reason not to be impressed with you than vice versa; especially as you called me selfish: twice. In fact, I can't see any reason whatsoever for you to be "not impressed".
i also don't know when i'm coming back from the blue mountains, so this weekend may not be any good regardless
what sort of economics understanding problems are you having?
have you signed up for one of the study groups? They're pretty helpful
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Phone Notes & Private Endnotes
3 men- they seem oh so quiet. Some days she could almost only hear her own voice resonating.
Still, they recognise her great flaws and put up with her imperfections...
*************
"Hey, it's me," would be her first sentence whenever she calls him at work.
Dope always knows it is her.
A deep mumble that sounds like a "hey", followed by silence would be Dope's style if he dials for her.
Either way, the conversation usually last no more than ten seconds.
The dawn of their shady arrangement marked a phenomenon. They no longer address each other by the name. He is "Dope" to P. She is mostly a mumbled "hey" to him. "Miss P" is only uttered endearingly on those rare private moments where a sensous P would rouse his restrained disposition to generosity and lightness of spirit.
Impersonal yet familiar.
Onwards- their lives continue in parrallel. Fates sealed. Everything and nothing has changed.
Status quo- though once in his emphatic state, he professed to wanting to make her happy. To make up for everything. Lost time of what could have been.
So how does that work?
Separate as their private lives would be. Mainly hinted, rarely discussed. They get an inkling of the other.
As he mainly kept his hands and desires to himself, P continues to master the art of patience. While she runs her hands through his face, feeling his skin and stroking his intimate regions and proceeding on to give him great pleasure, he gets part lost in his indulgence but he battles on to curb his straying hands from getting well acquainted with each part of her body.
***************
Part I
"Hola, esta M?" she would begin (in his nickname or rather in her inebriated and high state, she woke up in the arms of this beautiful stranger whom she had for the entire night believed to be named so) over the phone.
"Hey P..." the conversation would then continue. He would pick up her voice despite the passing of time.
It always starts with "how are you?" asked in his polite and restrained tone. Polite with a capital "P".
He is always a boy of few words but is one who could still maintain a conversation. And his eyes and looks are one to kill for. He has an attentiveness in him that makes a girl feel special when she speaks. Most importantly, his eyes look sincere and he always has follow up questions to seem that he has paid attention or was interested in the topic.
After his last visit to her, she stopped her usual phone habit.
Post intimacy. Post too many things- he asked her why and she told him. Everything.
He always looked back on those times in Paris and thought about her.When he flew over, he meant to make it up to her. For the hurt he caused her in Paris and what he was to learn from this trip. A permanent scar he had unwittingly resulted for her to bear further in the annals of her errant life. She braved that smile with a shrug while her tears streamed, which only further added to his shame and pain as he held her tightly and fought back the emotions glistening in his eyes.
Funny how, despite it all, the emotions and intimacies they shared, the trust she has in him and the utmost hospitality he received from the introductions into her private domestic life extending to non-immediate family members hitherto not experienced by any of her guys (yes, covering a huge area of her personal territory that even DL has not yet been exposed to), M is still very much a stranger lover.
They spend the New Year weekend and then he was gone.
So how was that supposed to contribute to her happiness?
Part II- Post Visit
"Hi M (real name now)..." A tad more formal. With the dawn of truth.
"Hey P..." As usual, he never disappoints her (with failure of voice recognition, a major setback for a phonephobic like P).
Ironically, with the frequency of working late nights (that comes with free cab charges home) and the current weekly inter-state trips she bus-ses each weekend to see her Designated Beloved with her growing affection for DL, her calls to M, too has become regular. The undercurrent continues to seethe as he attempts to cautiously draw clues from the conversations on her current status, which she too, has grown receptive to deflect attention away. After all, she hates to lie. And like him, she remains curious, only to contend within herself, musing- what's the point?
***********
"Hi Darling, how are you?" It is always bright, cheery and positive.
Just like how she continued to trudge on in their joint lives.
She is also a P to DL. Except it is a different P from Dope's.
They used never to have anything to say to each other as he was far removed from the going ons of her daily life. Dope always got to know first hand about her professional well being while DL has little knowledge or interest or understanding to empathise. She then played more of the role of a problem solver to DL.
However, things have begin to change. And slowly, he is beginning to speak her language.
The change in circumstances has made communications more manageable and really enjoyable. Finally, they are coming together and like most normal couples, have resumed daily interaction. Conversational topics always begin with the routine on how he is doing at work, the dog (if she has been good or if she has been fed or if anything interesting happened to her or if she was having the right colour poo) and followed by banter with a financial slant. As usual, she leads the topic and pushes for further reform or strategies in their lives. Some days, DL drops his pearls of wisdom and proffers invaluable insight. If only, he would speak up and would get into it. She always saw that potential in him.
Why? she wonders about his emotional consistency and fidelity towards her. She sensed that he is quite aware of her fallacies and imperfections.
He represents that paramount of consistency and integrity of a superhuman, magnifying the flaws which she perceives inherent her being. Then , she quietly thank her lucky stars but again knowing- that it all comes with a price. Something's got to give. And it did give.
But still, she pushes on and provides him with the support he needs, having faith that they would come together and all pain would forgive and eventually forget.
Perhaps it's their similar childlikeness and ridiculousness in themselves that connect them. Despite the masculinity emanating from her independent character, her redemption to fit him must stem from her neediness or wilful reliance on him as she lacked the necessary domesticated abilities and tenacity to take proper care for herself. And as that boy-next-door who is ever such a sensitive carer, that sharp contrast in her publicly confident leading self with her privately and exclusively neediness must appeal to his soft spot. He must have found himself useful there, maintaining that manly protectiveness over their joint personal lives. And she derives satisfaction from the value she contributes to DL'a life from staying inspired through her constant motivation and support. After all, a successful man is not without a supportive woman. And they fit well like a hand and a glove.
Strangely, despite all the years, never once in his state of passion have he spoken those words of promise to grant her happiness.
He only always aspires to be the most wonderful husband. Since he was a child. And he will. And she will be that lucky girl.
"Oh Daddy..." as she addresses him endearingly constantly representing the persona of their fluffy white ball who does not have the ability to speak but the soul of a human being. As she watches the two play vigorously and observes those quiet moments where he sniffs its tummy affectionately or plants a kiss on its little head and tugs it to bed, she knows that she has placed her faith well. It always leaves her with that warm and fuzzy feeling where she knows that her wandering and disturbed soul would one day find permanent solace.
After all, P never backs the wrong horse.
It all comes with hard work. And so she continues taking lead, playing support and marking the little milestones in his life. She knows his success would too be hers. Quite like the way she meant for adult life to be. And six years on, the hard work is paying off...
At times like this, she wished that she could have been one that is truly contented to live in domestic bliss or to perecive life with rosy tinted glasses- let DL be able to fulfil his manly role of the Carer, take that conceited"I" out of the equation and believe in the natural goodness of life. That things would fall into its natural place.
But no, I think I have fought hard enough for the good things to happen...
3 men- they seem oh so quiet. Some days she could almost only hear her own voice resonating.
Still, they recognise her great flaws and put up with her imperfections...
*************
"Hey, it's me," would be her first sentence whenever she calls him at work.
Dope always knows it is her.
A deep mumble that sounds like a "hey", followed by silence would be Dope's style if he dials for her.
Either way, the conversation usually last no more than ten seconds.
The dawn of their shady arrangement marked a phenomenon. They no longer address each other by the name. He is "Dope" to P. She is mostly a mumbled "hey" to him. "Miss P" is only uttered endearingly on those rare private moments where a sensous P would rouse his restrained disposition to generosity and lightness of spirit.
Impersonal yet familiar.
Onwards- their lives continue in parrallel. Fates sealed. Everything and nothing has changed.
Status quo- though once in his emphatic state, he professed to wanting to make her happy. To make up for everything. Lost time of what could have been.
So how does that work?
Separate as their private lives would be. Mainly hinted, rarely discussed. They get an inkling of the other.
As he mainly kept his hands and desires to himself, P continues to master the art of patience. While she runs her hands through his face, feeling his skin and stroking his intimate regions and proceeding on to give him great pleasure, he gets part lost in his indulgence but he battles on to curb his straying hands from getting well acquainted with each part of her body.
***************
Part I
"Hola, esta M?" she would begin (in his nickname or rather in her inebriated and high state, she woke up in the arms of this beautiful stranger whom she had for the entire night believed to be named so) over the phone.
"Hey P..." the conversation would then continue. He would pick up her voice despite the passing of time.
It always starts with "how are you?" asked in his polite and restrained tone. Polite with a capital "P".
He is always a boy of few words but is one who could still maintain a conversation. And his eyes and looks are one to kill for. He has an attentiveness in him that makes a girl feel special when she speaks. Most importantly, his eyes look sincere and he always has follow up questions to seem that he has paid attention or was interested in the topic.
After his last visit to her, she stopped her usual phone habit.
Post intimacy. Post too many things- he asked her why and she told him. Everything.
He always looked back on those times in Paris and thought about her.When he flew over, he meant to make it up to her. For the hurt he caused her in Paris and what he was to learn from this trip. A permanent scar he had unwittingly resulted for her to bear further in the annals of her errant life. She braved that smile with a shrug while her tears streamed, which only further added to his shame and pain as he held her tightly and fought back the emotions glistening in his eyes.
Funny how, despite it all, the emotions and intimacies they shared, the trust she has in him and the utmost hospitality he received from the introductions into her private domestic life extending to non-immediate family members hitherto not experienced by any of her guys (yes, covering a huge area of her personal territory that even DL has not yet been exposed to), M is still very much a stranger lover.
They spend the New Year weekend and then he was gone.
So how was that supposed to contribute to her happiness?
Part II- Post Visit
"Hi M (real name now)..." A tad more formal. With the dawn of truth.
"Hey P..." As usual, he never disappoints her (with failure of voice recognition, a major setback for a phonephobic like P).
Ironically, with the frequency of working late nights (that comes with free cab charges home) and the current weekly inter-state trips she bus-ses each weekend to see her Designated Beloved with her growing affection for DL, her calls to M, too has become regular. The undercurrent continues to seethe as he attempts to cautiously draw clues from the conversations on her current status, which she too, has grown receptive to deflect attention away. After all, she hates to lie. And like him, she remains curious, only to contend within herself, musing- what's the point?
***********
"Hi Darling, how are you?" It is always bright, cheery and positive.
Just like how she continued to trudge on in their joint lives.
She is also a P to DL. Except it is a different P from Dope's.
They used never to have anything to say to each other as he was far removed from the going ons of her daily life. Dope always got to know first hand about her professional well being while DL has little knowledge or interest or understanding to empathise. She then played more of the role of a problem solver to DL.
However, things have begin to change. And slowly, he is beginning to speak her language.
The change in circumstances has made communications more manageable and really enjoyable. Finally, they are coming together and like most normal couples, have resumed daily interaction. Conversational topics always begin with the routine on how he is doing at work, the dog (if she has been good or if she has been fed or if anything interesting happened to her or if she was having the right colour poo) and followed by banter with a financial slant. As usual, she leads the topic and pushes for further reform or strategies in their lives. Some days, DL drops his pearls of wisdom and proffers invaluable insight. If only, he would speak up and would get into it. She always saw that potential in him.
Why? she wonders about his emotional consistency and fidelity towards her. She sensed that he is quite aware of her fallacies and imperfections.
He represents that paramount of consistency and integrity of a superhuman, magnifying the flaws which she perceives inherent her being. Then , she quietly thank her lucky stars but again knowing- that it all comes with a price. Something's got to give. And it did give.
But still, she pushes on and provides him with the support he needs, having faith that they would come together and all pain would forgive and eventually forget.
Perhaps it's their similar childlikeness and ridiculousness in themselves that connect them. Despite the masculinity emanating from her independent character, her redemption to fit him must stem from her neediness or wilful reliance on him as she lacked the necessary domesticated abilities and tenacity to take proper care for herself. And as that boy-next-door who is ever such a sensitive carer, that sharp contrast in her publicly confident leading self with her privately and exclusively neediness must appeal to his soft spot. He must have found himself useful there, maintaining that manly protectiveness over their joint personal lives. And she derives satisfaction from the value she contributes to DL'a life from staying inspired through her constant motivation and support. After all, a successful man is not without a supportive woman. And they fit well like a hand and a glove.
Strangely, despite all the years, never once in his state of passion have he spoken those words of promise to grant her happiness.
He only always aspires to be the most wonderful husband. Since he was a child. And he will. And she will be that lucky girl.
"Oh Daddy..." as she addresses him endearingly constantly representing the persona of their fluffy white ball who does not have the ability to speak but the soul of a human being. As she watches the two play vigorously and observes those quiet moments where he sniffs its tummy affectionately or plants a kiss on its little head and tugs it to bed, she knows that she has placed her faith well. It always leaves her with that warm and fuzzy feeling where she knows that her wandering and disturbed soul would one day find permanent solace.
After all, P never backs the wrong horse.
It all comes with hard work. And so she continues taking lead, playing support and marking the little milestones in his life. She knows his success would too be hers. Quite like the way she meant for adult life to be. And six years on, the hard work is paying off...
At times like this, she wished that she could have been one that is truly contented to live in domestic bliss or to perecive life with rosy tinted glasses- let DL be able to fulfil his manly role of the Carer, take that conceited"I" out of the equation and believe in the natural goodness of life. That things would fall into its natural place.
But no, I think I have fought hard enough for the good things to happen...
