Restructure- on your own terms

Taking Stock- on P' s birthday

Checked/ Done and Dusted:

1) Names of most of her expected well wishers have been ticked against checklist.
2) Receipt of a Longines timepiece embellished with diamond dials and a great gourmet dinner enough to pay for one month's worth of mortgage received and digested respectively.
3) Cake and champagne beckons any minute at the office.
4) Invitation to go out for more drinks after work noted.

Outstanding:

1) Birthday wishes from Mum, Dad and sisters.
2) Dope's re-confirmation of dinner for two tonight and birthday wishes.

The Aura

Quite recently, someone posed a question to P- on when was the last time that she fell head over heels in love?

She mentioned about M. Well, in hindsight, that seemed partly true. But M would not have come about if not for her loss of "The Aura". It was a case of timing, really.

In her earlier blog, she mentioned about her attraction to a person's aura. A certain French man whom she would call "The Aura" happened to possess this quality in him, and have invoked within her a strong sense of natural attraction when she first set her eyes on him. Even the sound of his name ringed with the word "aura".

****

Life is funny sometimes. The best things in life often creep into one's life as a form of a pleasant surprise and rather spontaneously.

That night, it must have been what she had come closest to experiencing the spontaneous romantic love that she had been searching for.

She was not looking for anything. Just being bored stiff, nursing a bruised ego and passing her time away drinking.

Their attraction was mutual. But it took him more than an hour before he finally took courage to come over.

In his heavily French accented English (and he speaks four languages; she always go for a linguist and a seasoned traveller with a good sense of adventure), they started talking. Quite easily.

Just like in the movies, they kissed quite naturally at the right cue as they sat across the table. Except, there was no maneouvering on anyone's part. He was a stranger who had no consequence to her life the hour before. It just happened. She went with the flow.

The best moments in life seeks to be defined by whimsical and fleeting glimpses of what bliss might turn out to be.

****

Then quite abruptly, he decided that they should stop keeping in touch. So she lost him.

She never quite understood and her heart ached. This attraction to one's " aura" has occurred once when she was eighteen to a guy, six years older and whom has been the muse to her many poems. But never again since. That spontaneity of attraction was now rekindled by "the aura".

Then M came along aptly and distracted her heart for a while (the presence of "the aura" still resurfacing at the back of her mind but she took care to surpress her pain lest she sank deep into depression). Nonetheless, he too managed to take a stab at her heart before he left and re-appeared a year later, only to wrench it before he departed yet again.

****

Re-enter "the aura". He suddenly came back into her life again. She was due to leave la ville de l'amour the following week.

So they met up. Like the irreplaceable chemistry her instincts told her that they share on that fateful night they met, he made the best lover she could ever have. He far exceeded her expectations in many ways. The appeal was reciprocated on her own terms, just like how she had always wanted it to be. Except she didn't engineer the scheme of things. They fell into place. Spot on.

A rarerity and the best gift one could be bestowed on by the stranger lover. Thank you for the memory.

She thinks she could have fallen head over heels for him. Give up everything and move to France. Be reckless, and be bold like how she felt when she was eighteen. Be the fearless warrior who would tread bravely on the land mines of love. Forget about grand plans and strategies. Stop thinking and start indulging.

Despite everything, she was never blind to his flaws and spotted them right from the start.

She wondered if her passion and her acceptance of him must be love.

She wanted to stop playing the cards close to her heart. Let her be restless and be in love again. Not just being loved and loving. She knows she has been scarred many times over but her weary soul will take the plunge just once more because that is probably the moment that she has always live for.

To love shamelessly and wholeheartedly.

****
"I never thought I would see my most beautiful Frenchman again. My funny boy."

"When I read your message, I know you are a fidelite person," he said.

"Well, you really broke my heart," she said.

****
"Will I see you again this week?"

"Of course."

So again, she allowed him the opportunity to run his knife across her heart. One more time.

****
She grew up having a strong affinity to the tune of La vie en rose. She never knew why.

For the rest of her life now, she would never be able to listen to this French number without evoking memories of her secret life.

The night she found the connection with her all French funny boy, in a French apartment to a French tune while she indulged in a night of passion, whispering "Je'taime beaucoup, beaucoup, beaucoup" in her semi-tipsy dream-like state...

****

We may never, never meet again on this bumpy road to love.
Still I'll always, always keep the memory of.

The way you haunt my dreams.
The way we danced till three.

The way you changed my life.
No, no they can't take that away from me.

No, they can't take that away from me...

****

Dope sort off reminds her of "The Aura". They both possess the same privateness and obsession in domestic cleanliness. They are both fire signs and they both have a younger sister. In fact, they both have a burgundy coloured couch in their bachelor's pad. The same ambitions and drive in academic and career excellence. Similar degrees of aloofness and the uncanny resemblances in their non-committal kisses.

The only missing element is spontaneity. She met Dope six years ago. And they have barely started.

He lacked fiery passion. His retraint- a double edged sword. It served to fire her restlessness and to quell it.

With time stalled, she took comfort in pefecting her game- where her hardened mind now took care to shield her heart from that suffering called dukka. As she timed herself on how far their snail paced arrangement would take them before fate and circumstances would have it that they break away from the other...

A Little Redemption

E partially redeemed himself and is now being placed in the neutral books of P.

He responded to her queries (well, she didn't expect a reply but was running out of ideas) in alleviating her mapping challenges.

She reckoned that was awfully sweet of him to bother.

So although E did not score with P in the romantic department, he sure did redeem himself in the professional department where their relationship could now be re-aligned to form strategic alliances. Or mutual partnerships.

Latest Inspiration

P talks in a language Dope would understand:

The markets move and deals are closed, but Dope and P remain oh so cold!

Love Shack No. 10

P and her best friend quite recently got inspired. On the friend's trip Down Under, she happened to reside in a particular Room No. 10 where the girls spent many girlish nights debating on the mysteries of life and indulging in discussions of the lover and on pleasure. P, being the Devil's advocate has managed to fire up and stretched the friend's restrained imagination. P deemed it a mission to "unloosen" her mind and introduce to her the world of possibilities.

The girls did not waste time and spent every possible moments together to expand, inspire and brainstorm on their topics. Their bond to each other was further consolidated by this visit and they departed from the room with a heavy heart. Maythe free spirit of Room No. 10 lives on.

P and her best friend got an idea.

Some five or six years down the road, they reckoned that they would finally settle down. Or to hang up their sails, so to speak.With a Mr. Nice Guy and perhaps in the likes of the Stepford wives.

They will keep a petty cash kitty and build it up. Buy a nice little bachelorette pad together (a Room No. 10) and do mischief. Hmm, when the cats go home, the mice come out to play. The mere idea is intriguing where they could once again re-convene and indulge in merry-making.

****

Quite recently, P found out that the serviced hotel apartments are indeed for sale. Maybe, she reckoned, when that day happens where they could afford this little secret indulgence, let the free-spirited tradition of Love Shack No. 10 be reignited and live on...

Identity Crisises and Expectations Observed

To kickstart her annotations of identity observations and discussions, P would like to point out that when it comes to the subject of human attraction, especially in taking on a lover, her preference is not dictated by the colour of one's skin.

She is what she termed herself as "a-racial".

The aura of the potential lover takes precedence over everything. That includes her strong appeal for good intellect.

****

The Banana

When P lived a short-lived charmed life out in Paris where she learnt under couture legends that once worked at the House of Balengciaga and the House of Chanel, she was one of the two pure Asians amongst the disciples.

The other girl was an American Chinese girl. A New Yorker. She took great effort initially to distant herself from P and applied major dexterity in associating herself with the white girls. Until, P became to most popular girl in her class.

This, being a result of P's sociable and open personality. Her peers and her mentor deemed her interesting and lacking in the conservative and calculativeness that is associated with the Chinese race.

It appeared that P's Chinese friend, C would not date an Asian man, for the same reason that their white peers have had generalised of Asians. P also understood that she has a very male chauvinistic father who caused much discontent in her parents' marriage.

So she never dated an Asian. She attempted to disengage herself from being associated with all things Chinese. She deemed Asian men all as male chauvinistic and screwed up.

As P has a fussy "Asian" palate that did not take kindly to having baguettes or crossiants as part of her daily diet and would often insist on buying Chinese takeaway, C would remarked, "You are being so Chinese."

"Don't you think I am so crossed-over?" she would sometimes ask the group boastfully (perhaps for assurance that she is beginning to "whiten", if not in her physical appearance, at least her soul) as she would recount the number of white men that she has dated.

Banana- white on the inside, yellow on the outside.

The funny thing is, C is a "Chinese" through and through.

If ever there is such a thing as a typical "Mandarin" face. C has small slit eyes, thick lips and wide mouth. Her nose is a good normal size, face is a long oval and she has the straightest and blackest shoulder-length hair that a blue blooded oriental could have.

And she has also revealed that her ultimate dream in life is to get married and be a mother; just like any compliant and virtuous Chinese wife should aspire to be.

****

In Between

Dope likes to think of himself as more asian than caucasian because of his restraint and his conservative personality he associated with the Asian culture. He attributed this to his Asian biased upbringing from his Chinese mother who ran the household and his lack of contact from the estranged side of his Caucasian father's family.

When Dope was growing up, he went to a Boys' Grammar School. Therein, he was one of the six non-caucasian boys. Well, not quite, since he is partly white. So he stood solo as the only Eurasian boy who got picked on a lot at school. For a lack of clear distinction in his racial identity.
Dope was constantly teased by the white boys as somewhat of a freak while he was regarded with warmer solidarity from his Asian peers. He was deemed a privilege to his Asian group of friends who attempted to seek entry and acceptance into the caucasian community. So he was bestowed with an unspoken superiority and respect within this group.

At university, he started hanging out mostly with Asian guys with the increased choice of cultural diversity. He felt it a natural transition.

It appears that dick sizes comprised a good part of male locker room discussions for that age. So Dope came to being in one of these situations. Being the more sterotypically conservative Asian crowd, comparisons amongst his peers were so much confined only to the measurements of the hand spans, and not extended to actual public displays. Dope, being a very tall and lanky individual won in the finger measurement contest.

The penis envy experienced by his Asian friends was quickly translated to jealousy. They accused his truimphant manhood as a given case of his "whiteness", an attempt to reconcile their differences through his "otherness".

Herein, Dope continues to live on the social pheriphery where he served as the integration point for the duality of his race and paradoxically, as an outsider when deemed fit by his pure blooded peers.

*****
The Egg

Long ago, P met a guy at university. Being as caucasian as anyone could tell, with a deep interest in the Asian culture and who spoke Japanese fluently and mandarin in the works, he explained his deepfelt connection with the Asian race. The Asian race, however, consist of vast and varied ethnicities. Nontheless, he summarised himself aptly.

"I am like an egg- white on the outside, yellow on the inside."

So that was how P came to be acquainted with "the egg".

****

The Coconut

During one of C's bantering sessions of drawing attention to herself as a cross-over, P mentioned about her introduction to the term "egg".

It was here that C added another term to P's vocabulary of the mistaken and the confused soul, "the coconut".

Definition of the "coconut"- black on the outside and white on the inside, a main reference to the Indian race.

****
M's Observations

"The Chinese must be the most racist race against their own kind," M remarked.

He searched P's face for an answer.

"I don't know. Why? " P replied.

"I know of Asian people who prefer caucasians as lovers over their own races. But it's the Chinese who would proclaim that they will NEVER take a Chinese for a lover," his beautiful eyes looked at P.

She made a weak attempt at suggesting the possibilities of why. More along the lines of the Sarong Party Girl.

"Well, I am a-racial. So I never have that issue and never attempt to hide my 'Chinese-ness' (or 'Chee-na-ness' as people from where P came from would proffer). I wasn't attracted to you cos' you are white, in case you are wondering..."

Dope Fix

Once in a while, P gets her Dope fix.

Far from addictive, Dope remains a sporadic long term arrangement in P's public and personal life. You see, Dope helps to fix her problems in her professional life but fulfils as so much as paying her due respect via his daily correspondence of e-mails (varying from a few liners to a few paragraphs if lucky) to her in her personal life.

P can never fix anything with Dope. He is bad with time and his life revolves around his work.

She reckons that's how they could sustain their permanent grey arrangements.

Being a very private and restrained man, P has the privilege to enter into his world that he admits few to, a part due to his secretive personality and another part due to his lack of time for anything.

To further add on to the inconvenience, Dope hates the phone as much, if not more than P. He rarely picks up his calls except at work as he abhors the existence of mobile phones. As P only dials on a private number, they do not coincide their phone communications too effectively. So they know better to leave their communications to a less tactile medium.

Only on one or two occasions did they talk over the phone for about an hour (that is when P abandoned her phone phobia and Dope decided he could also do likewise and was inspired for some reason to put in a call). When they do catch each other on the phone at work, they speak no more than five sentences.

****

Like herself, Dope too has a Designated Love from long ago. In fact, P and Dope first met before their Designated Loves came along in their lives. He seemed to see very little of her though P understands his strong sense of duty towards her.


****

On some Mondays, when schedules permit, they would re-convene briefly. The meeting usually takes no longer than two hours. These days, P stopped waiting on him (as she was at first inclined to) and he would walk over and wait for her at her building. Then they would go for coffee (very civilised), or rather tea (for P).

As P dislikes the Starbucks variety due to her lack of experience from sipping tea from tiny holes of perforated plastic cups without scalding her lips and her preference over sipping tea from a teacup with a pot of fine China harbouring loose leaves, they would adjourn to either the Shangri-La or a hotel in that vicinity to resume their sporadically sanitised rendezvous.

There, they would sit and speak quietly about their day at work and life in an even husher tone. P not knowing where to place her eyes. Sometimes, P would make bold her conversation and observed that he has acquired a new suit or a shirt. As always, Dope would ask rather quietly if she liked it (ie. approve of his style). Dope is usually restrained (it being a Monday) and P will attempt to do the same. Some days, he might joke and P would observe the general mood of the situation as instinctive cues before taking courage to speak a little louder and flirt a little harder with Dope, mindful of his reciprocations.

Then she might walk him back to work or he might walk her to the train station. The latter being more common these days. He would bent over to kiss her on the lips and she would tip toe for him to reach her mouth. That would conclude their night.

****
On some lucky days, Dope and P would go out for drinks. Dope would become less restrained with time and alcohol consumption. However, for the most part, he remained strapped to the self-consciousness of his soul.

His minimalist physical display of affection for her are only exhibited behind close doors. Even those moments granted are few.
****
On rare moments within the private chambers, Dope and P will lay in bed together. P will lay on his chest. Quite voluntarily, he would reveal a bit more about his private life while she would catch on glimpses of his soul.

****

Quite recently, Dope and P went out for a drink. As always, she learnt to keep her hands to herself in public lest Dope shrinks away like the touch of a mimosa. But always, their knees touch.

It was one of those rare nights where Dope was becoming less restrained and coming slowly out of his shell, so to speak. Though it seemed like such encounters are becoming more frequent in their rendezvous.

She took the liberty to link her arm to his as he is inclined to leave his hand in the pocket. An unwillingness to acknowledge the illegality of their involvement with each other?

That night, he was at ease with her. They took a long stroll (as always) to the furtherest train station they could find in that vicinity while they engaged in intimate conversation.

From a distance across the road, someone waved at them. It was a mutual friend (one is to be very careful of in his company) whom on one hand, socialised rather heavily with Dope and his Designated Love as a couple and on the other hand, is fond of inviting P to his parties and dinners; she suspects with a professional agenda on his mind.

****

"So who's X?" P asked in her semi-tipsy state.

"Don't you know X? As in Dope's girlfriend", he replied.

"Though Dope has many other girlfriends," he quickly added.

"Oh I see."

****

P shook her arm off Dope as his hand was still stuck in the pocket. A bus went between them and the friend. This gave them time to recompose themselves.

As always, the mutual friend was calculating. They exchanged pleasantries and he observed her face and asked about X. Dope replied she was well. Though the three have just been out to watch a cricket match the weekend before. And he continued with more small talk hoping to search for further clues from their expressions to confirm his sightings and suspicions. P continued to maintain her sociable public self while Dope did the same as he would. Then he decided to take leave as he was feeling embarrassed by now from his unnaturally prolonged conversation that led to the ensuing uneasiness in the air. As the two guys both live in the city, Dope decided to part with the friend, perhaps in mitigation of the friend's privately rapid postulations. So P bade the two farewell and took off in the opposite direction. She took a deep breath and stared ahead as she walked onwards, fists clenched and tears welling up her eyes.

****
Her face burnt a little with insolence. Her wonderful Dope fix session curtailed by the intrusion of unwanted coincidence. Where she would savour and sleep on the sweet memory of Dope walking her to the train station and planting her that kiss on her lips, with the occasional bonus peck of boyishly innocent affection on her forehead. There, she would wave at him slightly as they exchanged goodbyes, while he stood there watching her disappear down the flight of stairs...

To the Designated Love


My (secret) Journey (without you)

You did not walk this journey with me
You could not have walk this (part of the) journey with me...

For if you do
your pain will be far greater
than mine
and me for you

So tell me
how many miles to our destination?

PUN INTENDED

Back to E.

When she was due to leave to where she now permanently resides (hopefully, not for too long as she has itchy feet), she posted him a goodbye message.

...well, let me know if you are coming Down Under ;)

He replied, ok.

As expected, he took her words as words.

He never failed to amuse her that way.

A good candidate for a tease and a no-go candidate for the complete carnal satisfaction that she derives from the conditioned soul...

SEVEN YEARS OVERDUE

They found each other again. He disappeared from her life quite suddenly one day...

****

Long ago, he was a boy. He, who only studies and trains for swimming. Friends had mentioned to her about this certain good looking swimmer who has many girls setting their sights on him. But he was not responsive to any of their romantic overtures. So she was told.

When they finally met, he asked for her name. Months later, he asked for her number.

Then he got enlisted into the army.

They would go to the movies on Sundays. She would inched herself close to him and hopefully, he would hold her hand. But he was not responsive. She could never tell with this one. He was quiet and shy...

Then, she could not wait to lay his hands on him. Literally.

****
Now he could not wait to lay his hands on her. Or rather, he could not wait to be laid.

****

Some time ago, they met up. Seven years passed. He lost his streamlined body and they both agreed they no longer look quite as young and ahem, as light.

His profession as a young banker has made him more outspoken. Even a little more cynical.

But some things never change. He still proposed to take her to his favourite chicken rice stall and he still liked a station wagon for a car.

****

He grew up too late, she reckoned. So by the time, he was properly socialised with the opposite sex and was introduced to the pleasures of the flesh, he had to fast track his experience. While others built on it over the years...

When he first tasted the sins of pleasure, she gathered (from digging and observation that) he was still a good looking young man with a good body. So girls did throw themselves at him and his learning was made easy. Not much work involved, his chase cut short.

Luck runs out. Life does requires some maintenance, challenges and discipline for one to progress. Or to clinch a good deal, so to speak.

So he could only remained cock teased by her.

****

Lessons in Life

1) One needs to know his/her place in the wider world. ie. market value

2) One needs to know who he/ she is dealing with.

3) One should constantly discipline the mind through observations, challenges and knowledge and engage in intellectual activities to invigorate the spirit for the greater good of the self and the lover.

He did not pick up those lessons along the way and bordered on the crass .

****

His hot-blooded propositions were less than strategic. He ticked all the wrong boxes.

Her friends reckoned he was not smart enough for her. He just did not get it.

His saving grace was that last ounce of "boy-next-door" ishness left of him reminiscent of seven years ago.

For old time's sake, she dugged deeper and found something he wrote about the "authorship". A topic that greatly interest her as she once worked on a story that built its theme around that notion.

She wanted him to expound on it. If he was what she was looking for, the prospect of his proposition would look seemingly bright.

He gave her the wrong answer after hours of deliberating. Only to come out with something so vulgar. He counted his chickens before they hatched and concentrated on his desired and overly positive outcome.

Again, he did not get it.

****

She took him on the journey. But they did not reach the destination. His designated destination, that is but she reached hers. To start of with, he lacked her eloquence. So it was a lost cause for him despite his persistence at persuasion.

Nonetheless, she took him on a personal journey. She never quite understood herself on that one. He could never have made the cut with his letdown behaviour. She is funny that way sometimes. Maybe just to throw herself out of her mental comfort zone a little. And to add variety to her collection of life's experiences.

She granted him some pleasure. She observed his face lost in sin and it re-affirmed her knowledge of him as one that lacked depth and understanding of the wider world. He will always be a taker- like a glutton who can never resist food (of any kind) and would gorge his face silly. (She deemed his physical degeneration a good enough testimonial of the corruption of his unprocessed mind.) He could never have completely fulfilled her in mind (surely), body(possibly) and soul (definitely)...

Ah, how the state of the soul sits with the coming of age and with the fall from grace... why do we all grow up so fast so soon, the sentimentally nostalgic her quietly ponders.

So they did come together after seven years. Whatever happened to them between those lost years. Things do come full circle.

While they were both sufficiently satisfied with their joint experiences, it must have taken them both in diverging paths.

*****

She stroke his face and looked at him.

"For shy E, of seven years ago..."

"So would you have slept with me seven years ago?"

"I would have given you my first time."
*****

She hugged him. She was being real.

He proposed to leave and climbed back to the driver's seat. His excuse was that he did not want them to die from carbon monoxide poisoning.

She knew better why.

She quipped in playfully, how funny if they were to make it to tommorrow's headlines "Couple dies from making out in car".

He added dryly that it wouldn't be worth it. It's only making out, not even making love (he got careful, obliterating the phrase "having sex" since she snubbed him the last time with the wrong pitch).

"What love? There's no love to speak of in the first place." she replied.

Originator of Deals

She has a talent for orignating deals. In her personal life, that is. Hopefully, in time to come, in her public life. Then she would be paid top dollars.

She originates them and her alliances execute them and close the deals. Given her unpredictable schedules and a lack of certainty in her geographical base, she usually does not get to follow through the whole process. But never mind, the satisfaction lies in the power to change and to bring colour to their otherwise bland lives- that dull and constant thing. Some positivity here. She has always been known to bring the buzz back when she decides to suddenly reappear (again like a magician) into their structured lives...

There are deal flows that she would share (or she could refer) and a small handful that are off-limits. That is to say, her alliances are not to touch those at all costs. It would not break the strategic relationship but will definitely leave a sour taste in her mouth. So don't even go there.

Dope had the good fortune to lay in bed with herself and her best friend. That night, the three were tipsy drunk and they all had the best time in the longest while. Nothing was done. All were too drunk and sleepy.

Dope, an exceptionally restrained individual always reminded her of the male version of her best friend. Hence, her attraction for the both of them. So she was relieved when the two got on well when she finally made introductions (after a regrettable tension between the two ladies over the friend's unreceptiveness for social introductions, thinking he is in big league given his background and her having initiated a meet up. She would never blow this one off like she would cancel on The Man).

****
Prior, Dope got less restrained with the night. She signalled to her friend and mentioned about his shifting interest to the friend. The girls could both tell. Not the most positive sign. Let's steer it in the right direction.

That night he tried to pay her out over something (which she didn't even know what that was all about) while she sojourned to the bathroom and he had the opportunity to be alone with the friend. Given his considerable lack of experience over social matters relating to protocol (and of course, a quick map out of his profile), he has been let off (though only after she had kicked up a storm when the friend told her 2 days after. The girls find it funny now when they talked about it. She was just so incensed she was swearing within hearing distance of passers-by as they strolled down, or rather stomped down the street) after much strategic discussions amongst themselves. Long term damage now under control. Save it for the final facedown should she need it one day, her friend cautioned. But she hopes that that day will never come. Dope can be a sweet boy in so many ways. He described her (in his less restrained manner after alcohol, of course), she is good value(stock) . And vice versa. There is a healthy dose of affection there for him. And besides, Dope is really just a boy...

Life seems to be all about maintenance. So she can only hope that he does his part (be socially responsible, as she calls it; a buzzword in today's investing jargon. She deems it an apt attitude that one should adopt in instilling a sense of harmony within relationships and grey arrangements) and play his role well.

But time will tell whether the originator will also make a brilliant executor and transactor. For to close this one on her own terms (though she was once offered by Dope at one stage but decided to forgo the offer), it would be a big call ultimately. But she is now too comfortable to want to stir it lest she would get more than she bargained for, knowing him and being able to pre-empt the irreversible consequences. How ironic when one cannot seem to get her head around as nimbly when operating in a smaller league.

The Man

The man, she realised has just returned.

Not that long ago, she met him at a party on a massive boat. The man was highly attracted to her (as with another gentleman on the same boat) and had proposed dinners for quite a number of times. Somehow, given varying schedules and last minute cancellations (mainly on her part for no good reasons), they did not meet.

As time went by, the propositions lessened. As always one who does not burn her bridges for no good reason, she attempted to stay in touch and make up for all those missed meetings. So they met on a day where he had to return back to work afterwards (as he was heavily under the hammer) but needed a good drink and was due to return home in two days for three weeks.

He had his glasses on and looked serious. His mind was mainly distracted by work matters. For once, he didn't look like the sociable, hyperactive, party-going guy that she was first introduced to. His "loud" charm was transformed to what she deemed as "stealth" charm. She began to see herself getting attracted to him. He had that manly sex appeal about him and (plus like the sound of his name), she deemed fit now to call him "The Man".

That night, she finally told the man that she is with someone. She could sense his disappointment but ever as gracious, he retained his composure. He sensed a strong dissatisfaction in her personal life. Before they left, he held both her hands tight and wished for her to be happy in her life. She never forget that look in his face, like he probably felt her pain and really did wish for the best. For once, she was confident enough to say this man does really have a thing for her... If only she was single, she would really consider.

Considering the calibre, it is really not bad.Her best friend was vaguely introduced to him with a few barricades between the girls and himself while she visited. She reached out her hand to him and he extended his as well, both hoping to hold each other's hand. But the gap was too wide and they did not reach. The friend could not help staring at him and exclaimed how charming and good looking he was. What was she thinking when she turned down the dates?!!! He is really not bad at all.

She proposed for an outing between the three of them and she could get her friend to close the deal instead. How would that sound? Tempting, but somehow the two girls prefer to spend their limited time alone together more than any desire for company. Again, she cancelled on him twice during that one week.

So they finally caught up again alone, almost six months later at a bar. As she went to get a drink at the bar, she caught him looking at her from the couch. It was the same look of attraction when they first met and he turned away and smiled quietly when their eyes met...

First, they talked about work (as always). Then she asked about his trip. He replied that lots of things happened on that trip and she probed a little bit to signify interest. Then, he dropped the bombshell on her. He had gotten himself engaged (to a girl whom he managed to catch up with from about ten years ago and whom he thought was out of his league). And he was getting married in three weeks. She hid her partial disappointment and congratulated him. She asked if the Mrs- to- be is Chinese? No, she was his own kind. And his fiancee happened to also be a head hunter (he only just found out exactly what she was doing now ever since the last job in hedge funds)...

*****

They spent intimate moments together afterwards. She did nothing to trigger it during the course of the drinks. But he probably wanted to close it before he got married ( she reckoned? or chose to psyche herself). So he got what he wanted and she willingly let it happen. She went with the flow. Afterwards, they laid next to each other and he looked as though he could not believe his good fortune, like he could never have guessed that she would give herself to him. Towards the end, he was already deep in thought and mentioned that he liked her very much. In a quiet tone.

When they got up as it was time for her to go, strangely for the first time, she noticed that gold wedding band on his left fourth finger. So guess the fate is sealed for him and so is this little secret snippet that would go down and be shared as a joint memory of their personal histories...