Restructure- on your own terms

The Need to Stay Focused

I have just posted an entry below which triggered my memory of another one of my personal possession losses. I then began to recall my number of lost items and am now horrified that whenever I lose my personal belongings, it has got to do with one of my illicit night out. I had earlier said to Dr. Jekyll & Hyde (when I realised that I lost my Fendi fob necklace) that it was retribution for my infidelity (that must be a small price to pay then, he said). But now I have also another reason to my karmic or spiritual reasoning/ understanding- I am simply not focused enough.

Let me attempt to compile an "in-your-face" public self shaming list of my lost or nearly lost items to serve as a future reminder for myself of where the path of my fallacies would lead me...

08/2003 Cuban J- new Oroton wallet by DL (first expensive present) containing
USD and all credit cards gone.

09/2004 French W- black cashmere cardigan with the diamante buttons left
behind at the pub but was later retrieved.

11/2004 Drunken Night at hangout "The Mazet"- left behind golden vintage
purse and remote control to digital camera but was later retrieved.

11/2004 French "Aura"- matching belt to my black jersey plunging neckline
dress gone and made imperfect.

01/2007 Filippino Ted and buddies- all pesos, smart phone, diamante hairclip
gone.
- bow on one shoe went missing and made imperfect.

01/2007 Manila shopping- left shopping bag of newly purchased merchandise
in the shop next door but was later retrieved, realising only when I was
many blocks away.

02/2007 Singaporean Dr. Jekyll & Hyde- Fendi gold fob necklace gone.

I am back in Asia next month and I am so determined not to revert back to my errant ways.

Focus P! Focus!

Excerpt of a "Funny" memory...

I have so much to write about but so unfocused to finish any of my drafts. I really want to talk about DL, my recent frail nerves, my own psycho-analysis of my disturbed soul that went way back to my childhood and my slight derailment(really in thought not action) from staying from the Enlightened path amidst a whole spectrum of non "I" related topics...

I was just flipping through my old journal from my Parisian days and happened to chance upon my entry on that night of my mind blowingly good sexual ecounter with "The Aura".

'You are exciting." he said.

I wondered what he meant then.

I never had such strong carnal chemistry with anyone again after this French. Strangely, how two semi-strangers could have such strong physical connection when they know so little of each other, accompanied by a slight language/vocabulary barrier. Effective communication here has definitely taken the term "body language" to a new level. And they say, ironically that the first time fucking a person is usually not great- takes time to build up that chemistry...

"26/11/04

... .... I told him that he was the most beautiful French guy and he said that I was the most beautiful Japanese (I hit him!), no Chinese girl he met. I rebutted that I was probably the only Chinese girl that he knew and he said no and didn't want to add further comments about the other girl.

I asked if I was the only Asian girl that he ever dated and he said half a year ago, he dated a Eurasian who was half Japanese and half French. In the midst of our "love-making", I was in the mood of an amorous lover as we kissed and I said to him, "Je'taime beaucoup" (perhaps to try practising my limited French vocabulary) and he laughed. At some point, "La Vie en rose" played on his computer while we had sex and I mentioned to him that this was like my favourite French song. How apt and romantic that it was playing in the background while I was making out with a French man.

I called him "Baby" and "Funny boy" a lot as an endearment and partly because I had difficulty in pronnouncing his name."

Thank you guys...

is what I would say to the guys who are fast exiting from my life, all except my ever loving harbour, DL of course.

They are all not doing anything about me now and their presence are fast becoming non-existent in my day-to-day life.

I take it as a sign and my fate.

Debris, these guys in your life are debris. You don't need them when DL is always there for you. Haven't things pretty much resolved itself last weekend? V cautioned.

She too has decided to dump her amorality and is now going exclusive. It's ok to say no, she stresses.

Then there was the caution from the first cab driver/fortune teller to guard these external influences that could threaten to ruin my relationship with DL...

The Manila tycoon beau has not replied to my text last night. He is not that into me, I gather. Rather to have a weekend of romping, he seemed to be more interested in organising and supporting political campaigns for his mates. It is not as if his non appaearance for one weekend away will result in his friends' defeats comes election time in May. Ok, I figured I'll just have to strike him out of the list.

Then there is Dr. Jekyll & Hyde that I cannot stop thinking about. But what of it? He never texts me back. I really fancy him and I realised I have exhausted my three goes and I wouldn't be made the fool, ever ever again. It is a cold and empty place there so I better hang on to this resilience of doing nothing about it. I quietly wonder if I would see him in less than a month's time when I head home for the weekend....

Oh and the next is Big Boy whom we played romantic electronic tennis for the past year or so. Funny how everything just crumbled after we met. Then there was the fiasco obligatory lunch (he decided to schedule for us) where I reckoned he was more interested in his props and settings and what I should wear (thought it was a blatantly and socially inappropriate request of him but I guess my social magnamity did not allow me to put him in his place for his shallowness and social self-consciousness to cause him further embarrassment- V and Ad says I am too nice that way to people), between looking at his blackberry every 5 seconds and running a tight schedule that made an ignition of any romantic possibilities really quite impossible. What is his actual purpose or proposed agenda for that lunch, I wonder? I detected some mixed signals there...

Then there is the news that he is getting married. So I guess I am really quite thankful that nothing carnal came out of our interaction. I guessed if I had known it as a fact there and then during our lunch, I would have served him back the question of "what if your fiancee finds out too?" when he asked me what I would do if DL finds out about us should we proceed in a grey relationship. I mean he had more control over the relationship. After all, he was the proposer to his impending marriage- at the eleventh hour when you have made up your mind to spend the rest of your life with just the one, why did you, a man with good practical sense still come to rock your own boat? It wouldn't do his reputation any good. I reckon a man like him, together with his social self-consiousness would have more to lose in a narrow minded society at home than a girl like me who is always living between social transitions with a very mobile identity. I would fold and take whatever is left of my bargaining chips in this case if I had decided to go down that path...

I consider that chapter closed. But I truly wonder (as I do and I do have enough friendly affection for the Big Boy) if he would be happy in the marriage. The crux of the problem lies with his inability to master his own emotions and thus, he continues to be looking for THE girl but being conscious of time and his own shelf-life, he settles for the one who could compliment his life. How does it work, I wonder? An emotional man trying to let his practical mind dictate his fate but his emotions keeps barring him to stay on his designated path? My solution for him is to go all out for the ONE girl he ever loves and take the it's her or nobody else mentality. But then he likes the idea of being loved, desired and wanted too so therein lies his paradox and inability to hatch all his eggs in one basket and love boldly. Maybe he needs to go in search of that one true love. Deep inside him, he is really a hopeless romantic but turned cynical (and really afraid) by this big bad world...

His proposed wife to be, a damsel-like character it seems must be basking in the blissfulness of being a Mrs. of a reputed professional where she would finally be his legalised arm accessory to chic social events. Her docility and blind love for him must appeal to his emotional insecurity and makes him more a man. She is the harbour of his life, someone who could always forgive his fallacies and welcome him home with open arms. She is good to him that way. I don't envy being his Mrs. here but a girl basking in a self-congratulatory sense of ignorant bliss must feel that she is one hell of a lucky girl. Still, there are times where I wish I lack so much awareness, maybe my soul would be lighter and I'll be happy too... what one cannot see or know, cannot hurt.

Oh my M is next on the de-tox list. I love M. I truly do and there are times I feel he loves me too in his own way. I know he quietly thinks of me at the other part of the world but what of it, he would reckon. I will never leave DL and be truthful to my feelings as he is wont to think. He is monogamous that way- being with one person at one time. That was why when he slept with Julie, he couldn't faced me and never went back with me in Paris because he had cheated on me, he said. But I guess we never sum up enough courage to do something way out of the way for each other. Or at least, I didn't even try. I had the entire year to save up and visit him in Hong Kong 2006 but I didn't. Instead, I spent all my money on myself and the rest towards putting away for the first home that I am committed to buy with DL. I needed something concrete for me since I have been left cold and empty too many times before. Then I wrote to tell him I'll fly to Hong Kong for work next month, only to find out that he will leave for London ten days before I touched down. He made no effort to stay and finally for us to come together. London's another twenty hours away and my existence being dependent on doing time for others will make jumping onto a flight at short notice to see him even more impossible. I figured it is for the best. We have the fate but not the destiny. He runs his life governed by the there and then emotions while I run mine with loyalty. It's never about me first.

I really love M. I really do. But seeing and being with him always brings out so much tears and pain in me. I wonder if it hurts so much, perhaps it's not meant to be? My resolution has been no more tears- not for anyone who is ever so capable of breaking my heart and me apart. I take care of me first.

One last guy-Dope. I don't know where to start with this one. He leaves me dry and empty. I am a person with too much passion but he is a closed book. Then he isn't too emotional. I truly adore him once with much finesse and gusto but his vagueness with me after so long simply dispel the mysterious appeal he had on me. Then he also lack the spontaneity that I need in a lover, I don't need another dull moment and I certainly do not want to be left second-guessing what he is thinking. My patience has thus run out. I guess the final straw was the incident of the economics assignment. I don't think he gets it with me.

Also, I know he still holds a torch for B, my best friend. Every so often, he texts her and see what she is up to. Last year, he even wished her a Happy Valentine's Day and he didn't even wished me. It appeals to him to be liked by B (I know because he once asked me what if she does; I told him seriously that it would break my heart because he meant the world to me if he also reciprocates but I'll do nothing because B is my best friend and if the 2 people I cared for like each other, what am I do but to give them their best blessings and I'll bow out as graciously as I could. He detected my tone and being someone who is too afraid to hurt someone else, which perhaps explains why he is still with X, he was quick to assure me that he was just asking and don't I worry because it was not going to happen. But I knew there and then that he too was capable of straying from me so he could never be my designated harbour) since she is equally as mysterious as he is. They are so alike in physical statue (the tall and lean types) and demeanour. I think it had something to do with the night where the three of us got so pissed drunk. Everyone was getting all hot and heavy. After that night, his affections for me did turned up a notch when I thought it was all dying but still I know there was the B factor. On the other hand, B just wanted to do all the wrong things at the wrong age and I opened up the carnal possibilities for her. The next morning, she left us to sleep in her big bed without her and pulled the sliding doors to block her own view. She slept on the couch because my smothering kisses for Dope was tormenting her sex, she admitted later. Like a voyeur, her mind masturbated to the noise of my smothering kisses and my physical indulgence with Dope. For Dope, he was blown away with what one could do in bed, having only had limited intimate experiences.

He is not a lover and you need a lover, B has told me several times when I used to be frustrated with his lacklustre behaviour. She explained that people like Dope and her kind are naturally not passionate and do not have the carnal rush that people my type do. They make good loyal friends though and she is right on that. But like B, Dope would never do anything that was out of his way for me as a lover and it was always at a time at his convenience. They look for people who would give them the least headaches so that they could get on with their lives. So B explained to me that while I bore over something that people like them deem silly or non-existent, I should better spend my time elsewhere because people like themselves wouldn't have cared or realise that they have caused someone else like me much grief. Dope will always be a very good friend to me though. I do love him as a friend but I guess this must be what both of us could give each other now. He lacked the momentum and passion while I had persevered and know that it is time to exit a lost cause.

Can you go find someone else to play with? she would say. She was sick and tired of knowing that I haven't had a new man back then. Somehow , she still lived her alter ego life vicariously through my adventures. Funny isn't it? Maybe Dope thought I could inspire him but it takes two hand to clap and no matter how hard I stoke the fire for us, he has a way of fanning it down to mass of smothering ash. Even my spirit has died with it.

B reckoned Big Boy was like me and someone like me would suit my disposition better. But then again, post the fiasco, again I think he is better off as a friend as well.

In fact, most of them are better off as friends.

So you see, I feel that they are doing me favour even before I could fully comprehend it, mainly because my Ego is always in the way. But it happened for a good reason because if they did reciprocate my latest advances, then again I am taking a detour from my destiny... that is , back to my designated harbour.

I am a fool, I tell myself. The phrase "fool's gold" has been flashing up in my head a lot of late. DL's the gold. I always have it there in front of me. But why did my eyes fail to see what is presented before me?

Fool's gold...

Wherein lies the point for these men to once exist as part of my life?

****

"Perhaps the human soul needs excursions, and must not be denied them. But the point of an excursion is that you come home again."

- "Lady Chatterley's Lover", D.H. Lawrence


*****
Anyways, thank you guys for the journey, bitter sweet memories and finally paving the way for me (known or unbeknownst to yourselves) to let go...

Maybe one day, I'll be relieved of my dukkha...

So Glad today is over...

Yet another gruelling day at work.

Had lunch with the boss in the board room as we worked through the assignment for nearly two hours. I was grinded to a bad shape. All my 2 whole weeks of hard work pretty much went down the drain. I felt stupid and a failure. I should know better and pick up the darn phone more often. Then I should have taken more control over the temp hired to assist me. I don't know. Push should have come to shove but it didn't happened for me and I got it big time-ish...

Ok, quit work thoughts and lesson learnt. Tommorrow will be a better day, I hope.

Corporate deals and people drive me to a twist.

Every morning as I walk up the foreboding Tower of Power, I figure there are better ways to make money. Instead of doing time in a salaried job, if I have my way, I'll be out scouring for bargain deals out in the market instead of trying my darnest to move people who make what I earn in a year within a month. The other day, I just sent DL out to the outer suburbs to learn the property secrets or rather methods of successful property investors on where and how to look out for bargain deals. I figured since he is currently a man of leisure in the day, he could go on the road and pick up a new tip or two to educate the both of us while I get stuck in my day job and miss out on money making opportunities and get caught in this vicious cycle of being a white collar worker still on the left side of the cash flow quadrant.

Even the fruitman downstairs seem to be having a better time. That jolly old man sells me my regular fibre intake of cut up fruits for AUD$4 per small tub and AUD$5.50 for a platter of strawberries, mangoes and kiwis. I reckon he makes more money than I do in a year and could quite under-declare his tax while poor me has a third and a bit more of her monthly salary deducted to bloody feed the bludgers on the welfare system.

I had my usual stroll into the shopping malls after work just now. I cut across the marching crowd of protesters with an axe to grind about Dick Cheney's visit. I don't quite understand these left wingers really since I am a true and true capitalist. Anyhow, I figured we need people like them around to liven things up a little and bring another perspective to the world. Not only that, the intellectual world simply needs a dichotomy for ideas to be toyed, bantered and take shape and this is precisely the type of energy that shakes up the world. It kind of remind me of my expectations of San Francisco and the once a month Friday movement that takes place where the entire city takes on a new beat. Cyclists are everywhere and cars do not adhere to traffic rules...

Mindlessly, I walked into a mall. There I bumped into Dope and his friend, both having KFC. I sat down with the boys and chattered with them. Dope commented that I looked tired. Yes, I am. I told him- had a shitty day at work...

As usual, I wandered around aimlessly looking for food. Given that it was late night shopping and my usual joints were crowded and the cheap (actually not so cheap as compared to Chinatown where I was too lazy to walk to) and cheerful food court variety was no good, I decided to settle for an almost equally unappetising and a few times more expensive joint- Wagamama.

I sat there observing the fast turnover of food and people and again, figured that DL and I should go into the food business. DL is a great chef and I am a great hostess. I recalled my days as a waitress and know that anytime I would trade my day job to run that big restaurant that I was invited to become partner (youthful me in my last semester as a poor university student) that was unfortunately burnt down. Being in the kitchen helping DL at the winery preparing and cooking simple dishes always has a very therapeutic effect for me. I missed those days where I ran the show for the boss and set personal goals to challenge me to wheedle tips out of the scabiest regular customers and sold so much alcohol to keep the revenues up. I always emerged a winner.

Then again, I make one of the hardest customers to please. I hate inefficiency and bad service. Switched-off waiting staff really pique me big time and everytime it happens, I would say to DL," Staff like that ought to be sacked. We should never allow our staff to behave that way" Even Dope watches my mood rather carefully on those rare occasions when we dined. When it comes to satisfying the requirements of my dining partners, I have that tendency to take it upon myself that they be served well. The experience for my counterpart needs to be spot on. I think it's that pleaser with my tons of servitude that demands me become the "bitch potential customer".

"They're still people, you know..." Dope once said quietly.

"Well, they should be thankful they have a job and take pride. I was once a waitress too and I was dedicate to doing a great job when I was on the floor."

Last weekend, Tina and I reminisced about our good old waitressing days where our respective partners worked in the kitchen. We were the best duo in the restaurant. The boss loved our efficiency, service and dilligence. But I always beat the rest with my eloquence.

These days, Tina and her partner own their own restaurant. She complained about the staff. My advise on staff training has also helped to toughen her up. She used to be overly nice as a boss and I reminded her of how our ex-colleagues were with our weak boss. He was simply lucky to have the two of us having the perfectionist dedication to run the place like our own.

"P, I wish my waitresses could be like us in our old days... " She meant their lack of initiative and motivation.

Tina is heavily pregnant with the third child on her way and so she stays at home a lot. Having a partner who is fond of spending up money big time and a young family to feed and occasionally worrying about the partner straying since they are my age, there are days where Tina seemed slightly wearied. She looks to me for inspiration- the young, smart and attractive professional whose only fallacy is her polygamous heart. Nonetheless, the lucky girl with that loving boyfriend ("Oh P, I can tell you this much. I would trust DL more than I would trust my man..." she would reiterate this each time we catch up) with not as many issues to worry about. She always wishes for my eloquence, sometimes even my romantic adventures.

On the other hand, I wished for that freedom of time Tina and her partner have in making their livelihood. I told her her problems are simple and how I could solve it and simplify matters for her.

"Stop having anymore kids because then, you'll really be stuck at home and feel even poorer. Go to the restaurant more often and take care of the frontline. Do not scringe on your money. Spend some on yourself to dress up. Read more wealth management books so you'll always have facts to substantitate your disapproval of your husband's spending habits (instead of him dismissing it as your nagginess) and for him to take you more seriously beyond the domestic realm.You'll feel more confident as a person, you are constantly with the husband and you'll have more interaction with him on the business affairs and you can rein over money matters. Too young to stay at home and be a housewife. The more you put yourself in the social loop, the more you know what's happening out there, the better you feel about yourself and the husband for you...After all, Tim is a man who likes to have a classy wife and appear to be all things great- young wife, young family, successful self-made businessman and truly an artist. You know it and you need to play up to his psychology."

"Yeah, you're right." Tina always buys my ideas and often, she thinks it works.

That is why Tim always likes to talk shop with me. The other day, he mentioned that he has asked DL to go into partnership with some others to buy a big name fast food joint. He probably knows any DL-related deals has to go through me first. Or rather, DL and I would sit down and go through the ideas and possibly tear apart the numbers comes the time. I figured I'll never get the same treatment going into another romantic partnership with someone else. Guess I value my freedom in a greater sense more than anything else and would not trade it for the world.

Some days I wish I could help myself in ever so simplified a manner like the way I help others. I always seemed to instill positiveness in people around me but I wonder have I given it all away that I have left nothing for me?

Heh, it's P being funny here. ;p

Sigh... I wonder when the day will come...

I know, it's yet another crap post! Am in a whingey and mentally unproductive mood so nothing quite make sense here, just a doodling of my present train of thoughts for that moment...

Affairs of the heart (all that mambo jumbo)...

I need to vent. The last few days have been hectic with work. Then there was weekend spent with DL at his place and we travelled inter-state back to mine and only this morning did he leave with Fluffball to return to the place that used to be our joint home.

The week spent together has been great. We had quality conversations (which I'll find time to write another day) and a fantastic time together doing all the couplely things. Last night, I had to work late and he came by to my office. He waited for me to finish up around eight and we headed off for a late wining and dining session by the harbour...

I think I could be in love with him again and again, the feeling of assuredness that he will still ultimately be the man that I will marry has emanate the very depths of my soul once more...

It has something to do with our conversation. Funny how I think he knows me better than I think he knows me...

*****

At the back of my mind, I cannot stop thinking of Dr. Jekyll & Hyde. It torments me slightly to know that I never get over my "uncoolness" like an infatuated high schoolgirl for him. During our private moments, he certainly teased the damsel out of me. In between my flirtatious and seductive behaviour, there are impulses within me to yield my vulnerable self to him. I wonder why.

But at the same time, Dr. Jekyll & Hyde made me feel so comfortable with him physically though he is really a stranger. I now remember that last day where we were hanky pankering in bed. His finger played at my private opening and I was beginning to feel like I needed the bathroom. I laughed and asked him to stop and told him in my ticklish state that if he wouldn't stop, I would really pee. He got highly amused and proceeded to further aggravate my sex with his fingers before I pulled it away where he then hugged and kissed me.

In one month's time, I'll head home for a weekend of fun and party and I wonder if I would ever see him.

The best laid plans always fails and I figured I should not have any expectations.

I cannot tell you, my readers how fondly I think of this guy. Many a time, I catch myself between my brain downtimes at work secretly reading and re-reading my post of "Why am I telling you this..." just so that I could hold on to those memories and remind myself of those wonderful moments that I spent with him and the things we talked about.

In fact, the thought of him now makes my heart skip a beat and I feel like I am suffering from one of the classic symptons of infatuation misconstrued as "love" by some. Heh! Not that I think I am in love but I sure know I have tons of affection for this guy. There is something in him that makes me view him as my friend...

Ok, quit it P! It's a lost cause. Next please!

****

My Manila Ted just texted me. I have just informed him of my travelling schedule into Asia next month. I said B and I would be in Hong Kong and Macau before I head off back to Singapore.

He replied to this and said the idea is tempting although he has to be around in Manila to step up the political campaigns for elections in support of a few of his friends in May! So he'll have to see if his schedule permits.

"Baby, I am flying to Asia next month, not May." was what I have just replied.

He texted back to tell me he is now at mass for Ash Wednesday.

Well, not that I care!

I wanted a quick fix to my Ego but looks like I am not getting it! Grrrrrrrrghhhhhhh!!!

Okay, enough whingeing. At least, things are looking pretty good between DL and me.

Oh and by the way, I was walking alone (as usual) to look for dinner just now after work and I caught sight of my favourite Shampoo Boy at the mall. That was so coincidental but thank goodness he took no notice of me because I look and feel damm fat and ugly!

Valentine's Day...

today has been a GREAT day. That is albeit the escalating stress levels that I have experienced over the course of the week at work since my return, having also put in six hours of work on the last Sunday looking an excel spreadsheets of corporate deals (and almost getting cross eyes as a result) to make sense of the market before I go for the kill, I will still have daggers flying at me tomorrow in all directions because my late nights at work is still not allowing me to pull the magic to save my arse!

And yes, today is still quite a positive day, nonetheless.

I decided to take a brisk walk into Chinatown after work. As I walked along, I felt a sense of light-heartedness and light headedness, even my stride took on a certain lively bounce, hitherto not experienced. My usual stride is brisk and harsh, my angry eyes or tiredly irritated face always fixated ahead, my mind commanding "onwards, onwards you go!"

The look of lovey dovey couples, women with flowers and married men of the corporate types with flowers in hand put a smile on my face. I felt warm and fuzzy. It must've been the romance in the air that is fast osmisizing into the skins of every individual walking or tramping in this big and busy city. Even the street tramps looked somewhat languid and less scavanging, like the entire city beat has taken a new tempo.

In Chinatown I walked past my usual hair salon (whom I have spent good money on thanks to my eye candy) and saw my favourite shampoo boy (I could so get into some hanky pankering with this little Hongkie cutie) in there getting ready to knock off and zipping up his cutie little Japo jumper. He was probably on his way for his valentine, I gathered. I continued walking on, a smile on my face.

Funny, I was walking alone and have neither been proposed a date nor have any flowers sent to me. In fact, work is still on my mind. Actually, I forgot it was supposed to be a really special day for lovers and couples. I was one of the last to leave the office.

Anyhow, in the afternoon, I felt somewhat generous and in my loving mood. I went to the big M departmental store and bought DL a present. I figured it would be my Valentine's Day/6.5 year anniversary/chinese new year present for him. It is actually a home appliance used in the kitchen and is the top of the range model. He had wanted to buy it long time ago but would never have bought it for himself (since he would rather spend his money to get me the best presents or trinkets-"It'll only get better each year, he once promised me quietly). As always, practical me thought it might well be an ingenious idea to encourage him ito use this piece of appliance as a hobby for experimenting, which might well turn into an enterprising or genius production of what his talents might take him later on. So I decided to invest in the tools!

Having handed over my $300 and picking up the box, I soon realised that this must be the biggest and heaviest Valentine's Day present that I could have possibly got for anyone. I swear it weighed a ton! Every few steps I took, I had to rest. People were staring at me lugging a bit of a white elephant. My office was no more than a 10-minute walk away but I was fast getting exhausted and being weighed down by this cumbersome thing. I persisted for a while and then I saw three "Roses Only" trishaws at the square and asked the person who appeared to be the driver if she could ferry me back to my office and I would pay her. She said no, it was not for that purpose.I think they might be mobile florists. Dammit! To make things worse, today is an extremely hot day and I looked hot and sweaty, but not the least bit in an appealing way.

I decided to cross the road at the next junction and while doing so, I saw a cab waiting for the lights to turn green. I took a left instead of heading up the walking pavement and motioned for the cabbie to take me. He gave a little laugh when he saw how huge my merchandise was and nodded his head for me to enter. My office was no further than a block away. I seriously wonder how I would be able to take this back with me this weekend as I board the Greyhound to re-unite with DL inter-state, not to mention my overnight bag that consisted of a number of funny presents and the floral printed CK briefs I have brought him on impulse, the day I saw it on the mannequinn at the Citylink mall while I dashed between schedules, on my way to catch up with the Big Boy the last time. Heh- the male brief reminded me of those times where DL hadn't been too dilligent with his laundry and he had the fond habit of wearing my floral printed granny undies. These looked exactly like the male version. "Baby, you need some help to stretch your undies since you are getting fatter..." he would teased me as I vehemently objected to his pantie snatching ways. My panties were indeed getting looser by the leg and obviously the front, thanks to him and this never failed to annoy me, especially when they were my favourite comfy ones but I guess in an endearing way. In the end, I think he must've inherited those undies because I am now wondering where have they gone?

Yeah, so today I feel good because I am feeling somewhat lovey dovey towards DL again.

I haven't yet tell you readers my weekend encounter with yet another cabbie who decided to stop the meter and talked to me about my relationship with my boyfriend. He said he wanted to help us get together and urged me not to give up the relationship (I don't even know how we got onto that topic) because DL sounded like a great man and I sounded good to him too. Forget about the fact that he doesn't make as much money as you and that you won't get to live in a swanky apartment with sea views and he doesn't seem as ambitious and strong like you, men like that are hard to find, especially at your age. The woman is the foundation of the family. A man who loves you enough will change but a woman never changes her way so you'll find out if he truly loves you. The Eygptian cabbie's father imparted this in him. The cabbie has a failed marriage which he still regrets and he now volunteers as a counsellor in a church to help those with broken marriage. He even gave me a follow up call the next day while I worked my weekend away at the office.

I kind of took all my random experiences with cabbies as a sign. The message is always clear: hang on to the good man.

Well, on the other hand, you cynics may be wondering it cannot be it. Something must be inspiring P to emanate this rare sense of positiveness and delight.

Yup, you are too right!

The news is.... * drrruuuuuuumrolls please*!

****

Yes, P checked her bank account today. She is pleased. She has never at any stage in her life had such a lump sum deposit.

Then she got the letters- bonus and a big pay rise. A whooping 30%! Not too bad for starters. Numbers can only be meaningful to her if two are more are compared in percentage point differences (that's the mercenary accountant in her bean counting). A year ago, she aced more than 10%, six months into her job. Now less than a year on, yet another pay jump! She is meeting her personal targets at a good pace (she never loses that salesperson in her!) and onwards she will negotiate a good deal for herself until one day, she is ready to do her own gig and take off on her own terms. Not bad, considering that she is now on what Dope was doing about a year ago. She knew she was undermarket until now. Finally, she is beginning to be in the market. Who would have imagine? Dope used to say. P, the late bloomer and the girl who is ever so fond of doing detours in her life but still she has been lucky enough to get away with taking shortcuts but she knows not for too long... Even Dope did some time and hard yards and graduated with a First Class Honours to get there and P herself took less than 15 months to get to the same place with diverse work experiences and no honours which she was too lazy to take when she was invited by 2 faculties.

Today, she feels somewhat satisfied and Valentine'sDay seems sweeter than any other time that she could remember.

She is somewhat more hopeful and comforted today.

Quietly, she is quite looking forward to the Chinese reunion dinner this weekend, which DL has excitedly got all the relevant ingredients and her favourite goodies to make it a quality night for the both of them. She has also arranged to view a property on Saturday and if the time and price is right, she'll place her bet and be quite ready to set up home for the both of them and get DL out of that exorbitant rental cycle that can only viciously trap a poor man poorer...

She smiles and hangs on to the night's positiveness, knowing full well that tomorrow will be a different day, with a new set of challenges awaiting and a fresh set of raw emotions re-surfacing...

But today everything seems like a possibility. Like finding the extra few hundred bucks to fly back home for her birthday weekend of pure indulgence with her girlfriends is fast becoming a reality. So her current banal routine continues to drive her, for before her dangles the reward of hope filled with wilful possibilities (which she lives to die for)...

Wanderlust...

Ok, this is my ultimate fantasy that could possibly happen or not happen. I am trying my darnest to contain my excitment lest the whole thing falls through. The emotional stakes are high- it would not only get me feeling all disappointed but my girlfriends!

Next month, I need to go to Hong Kong for work. I am hoping to squeeze a stopover back in Singapore for two nights of serious partying. You see it's the weekend before my birthday and a few days after V's birthday. I would like to maximise that Friday and Saturday.

Who knows- I might be able to revive that crazy Velvet night for V and myself- get the boys out and let us all build up that chemistry and magic. Wait, actually let the Long Island Tea do the magic for us. Jugs of it. Hmm, then it's like killing two birds with one stone. Good deal!

Which means to say, I will blow off Big Kay whom I have promised to bunk over at HK to catch up with and my Manila beau, Ted who might try to find time to fly in and spend time with me (not that I really want to get intimate with him). Well, not that it really matters. I just hung out with Big Kay on his last night here in Ozland last weekend. I got the poor boy all drunk with just 2 glasses of wine. Heh...

As for Ted,who cares! (I know I still owe my readers a story on this guy.) He didn't seem to care too much about me either. I rang him on Saturday to wish him a Happy Birthday. He turned 35. He sounded hesitant when he mentioned that he was at the Shangri-La hotel as he and his friends had booked a room there the night before to celebrate his birthday. I figured he was with a girl as he was keen to put down the phone on me (plus I saw the picture on a rather pretty and young girl on his bloody mobile phone and some stored photos of her which I suspect is a girl he truly adores) but he made a quick attempt at appeasing me (not that I needed any because who cares?) and said he would try to come visit me when I fly to Asia next month. So it is not confirmed and I would rather not build my plans on other people's schedules.

Later that night, his other best friend, Guitar (not the saxophonist) did the duo gig (like what B and I would do for each other) and texted me to remind me that it was Ted's birthday and that he missed me terribly and by the way, how was I? Bullshit! I texted him to say that I don't think that Ted missed me at all cos I did call him before and sent my wishes and he was keen to put down but how was Guitar himself anyways? I suspected he had a thing for me right from the start but since his best buddy had registered interest before him, he wanted to do the right "brother" thing!

I like talking to Guitar- an extremely charming fellow (more my type than Ted really but again, he is a bit of a wily fox) who now lives out in San Francisco and in less than a year, his business had burgeoned with a turnover of more than USD$1 million. I always look up to enterprising types and quite enjoy talking about business and my ideas with him. He was first impressed that I remembered his name when we next met. I met him on;y so briefly the night before. He had liked my accent, he said before and found me a highly intelligent girl. That first I guessed that Guitar was about 32 years old but later he said no, he is 40. Who knows really? The guys all look really young, like no more than 5 years older than me. Even my Ted is 35 and he looks not a year older than me. Must be the charmed life, having not to endure any physical labour. Any form and shape of physical labour would only come from choice- in my Ted's case, his personal kick-boxing session with his coach and in his younger days, he trained as a swimmer.

Once the chauffer stopped by at Guitar's house for a bit for him to retrieve some presents for the birthday boy's party that we were attending, Ted mentioned that his family has developed this entire village (or what we call suburbs). Guitar was back this time to support the birthday boy's political campaign to run for mayor (whom the boys believe that he would win anyway; the runner comes from a family in politics); apparently Guitar also comes from a family of politicians.

Anyhow, I am still having Dr. Jekyll & Hyde at the back of my mind though the pressure of work is fast diluting my focus on him.

Well, perhaps if I could just do that two day stopover, I just might be able to indulge yet once more...

Guess I better quit thinking about it. Quite frankly, in order to satiate this wanderlust to return home, I must first get approval to take one precious day off- Friday when my work ends on Thursday. Right now, given the surmounting workload and one member down in the team from a significant illness, I don't see how I could get away from work, especially so when I have overdrawn on my holidays and is still at the bottomost of this corporate food chain...

Urghh.... I better stop thinking and over-anticipating lest everything turns out to be all blowing hot air, as with a ton of other things that have befallen on me of late! Akin to deals gone wrong and has just flown straight under the table!

Focus P, focus and no bloody expectations or desires! Zen is the way to go!;(

To ex-Lovers & ex-Flings...

There is a reason why I love American jazz standards, the Cuban boleros and oldies because I am a lyrics person.

In those days, lyrics were so simple and yet true and life seemed a lot less complicated. Succinctly, it sums up the very essence of human emotions.

I actually have a good singing voice and I love singing to the people that I am intimate with if only I feel comfortable enough with them. DL naturally got a fair bit of that in our lovey dovey days and sometimes when I get into the mood. Actually, I still sing to him every now and then. His favourite song for me, on the other hand is "The Way you look tonight..."

Singing, like showering (where I mostly like doing alone as it is my quiet time to reflect) to me is a very personal thing. They tend to go hand in hand for me as a habit (so now you all know, I am a big bathroom singer). Mostly I mean, me singing to someone. More so than me sleeping with a man. My voice conveys my soul but indulging in carnal activity, often, I do not feel the same, especially those who never fully get to touch my entire bare skin, body and never past the stage to be led into my circle of trust where the story of "The Respectful Murderer" would be told. It sums up the very essence of my soul, transcending that physical self-consciousness to a mental and intellectual struggle that has led me to continue to trapped in this strange paradox that also serves to keep my promiscuity in check. I tread on myself with care lest I come out of each experience feeling that I have had a misplaced trust and to continue life only to be haunted by my carelessness later on...

I don't think I have ever sung to anyone except for DL and Dope.

Oh yah, I guess I did with my Manila beau who took me to a jazz club (because I love jazz and he has just only began to appreciate a little better) and I sang along while I laid on his shoulder. He looked pleased. Before, on the chauffered 4WD on our way to the club, his best friend, a jazz saxophonist and myself were exchanging jazz notes and we hummed and sang a few tunes. His friend commented that I had a good singing voice. My beau who is not quite the cultured man (and is really more into the R&B and hip hop standard variety and I actually suspect he is somewhat a prodigal rich brat) sat quietly to listen to our banter with little ability to chip in the conversation and trying to take it all in.

Tonight, I feel the need to make the night last longer as I am wont to keep myself awake as long as I could to enjoy my non-working hours. And I am getting nostalgic.

Let's just say I am feeling generously sentimental tonight for all who has entered my romantic life and shared a brief moment with me.

So I thought I shall dedicate an American jazz classic sung by Jazz greats like Ella, Billie and Louis to all my ex-flings and lovers collectively but also personally whose lyrics strikes a deep chord in my heart and aptly sums up my sentimental soul with each and everyone of you... Enjoy.


"The way you wear your hat,
the way you sip your tea,
the memory of all that,
No, no they can't take that away from me.

The way your smile just beams,
the way you sing off key,
the way you haunt my dreams,
No, no they can't take that away from me.

We may never, never meet
again on this bumpy road to love
still I always always keep the memory of

The way you hold your knife
the way we danced till three
the way you changed my life
No, no they can't take that away from me
No, they can't take that away from me."

What a Dream...

Ok, I never published the scintillating Part III for the Big Boy because things just went awry for some reason (maybe more about that when I am inspired to write- remind me to talk about class consiousness and the shelf life mentality of Singaporeans but I don't hold it against anyone; things are just they way they are) when I returned to Singapore some three weeks ago.

I think it is fate. First, the cancellation of the dirty trip in Asia, followed by the past six months of playing titillating electronic love tennis and then my learning about his impending marriage. I guessed it right from the start and my timing postulation seemed very accurate!

No wonder he was stunned when the friend mentioned that Big Boy might have an announcement to make.

"What? Are you getting married?" I asked half-mockingly and yet kiddingly.

It better be good, I thought to myself.

I put the friend and himself on the spot there unwittingly.

Then he came up with a lame-ass excuse about him having bought a new car and was I not informed?

The friend looked just as uneasy, probably realised he shouldn't have blurted something like that. I smelled something fishy but decided to spare the men from further social embarrassment.

See, I always feel people's embarrassment for them even when I know I have the right to seek an explanation. I guess in this instance, ask no questions and I'll be told no lies. I hate putting people in a spot unless I absolutely have an axe to grind i.e. when someone attempts to sully my reputation and malign me for something that I haven't done. Now that would be a different story altogether...

Funny thing is we do have fate and no destiny. I mentioned about my upcoming trip to Macau and guess what? He is supposed to be there! Then he mentioned that he wouldn't be because he has a wedding to attend. But whose wedding is it, I wonder?

No other than his!

And from my intel, the boys' trip to Macau is supposed to be his buck's night. How can the groom-to-be not show up right?

Strangely, the done and delivered deal (albeit not sealed but soon) was ommitted right till the very end of our final meeting. I thought we left things off in a very nice and friendly way. No hard feelings whatsover that our tryst never happened. Well, his girlfriend sounds GREAT for him- a bit of a Stepford wife but she will embellish his social status and career. What more can a man of his stature and social self-consciousness ask for? He goes for damsels.

I believe in the DOG-GOD relationship theory. Ok, it's something that I've coined. One party in the relationship tends to be the dog and the other the god. He needs to be the god despite his inclination to please and pleasure. Still, he likes to be loved and worshipped because it makes him feel more of a man.

Whereas, I will never quite be a dog, even if I tried. It just doesn't exist in my nature. So I fold and bowed out graciously because I truly buy the notion that every pot has its lid and I will never be the lid for him and vice versa.

I call this good sportsmanship. Even amoral P has some principles. Graciousness marking one of P's hallmarks of virtue. Heh!

Ok, enough said. You voyeurs have up to this point been anticipating about a dream that I am supposed to tell you about, right? So without further ado, I shall get to the point...

****

Unexpectedly, I had a dream last night about Big Boy.

It was a really bizarre dream...

It started with me being in a public park of sorts. I was in torn and tattered clothes. My face and body soiled with dirt, hair in a mess. I was a homeless tramp wandering and scavenging for food. There were other similar looking tramps there.

Next to the park was an office unit. It was where he practices his profession.

I had to meet him there, possibly for him to take me out to lunch. I tried to brush the dirt on my arms and attempted to re-arrange my hair to look a little neater.

I went in and he had three secretaries. One was my best friend B who made a secret knowing eye contact with me. The secretaries went into his room to get himout and we supposedly left for lunch....

*blank- cannot remember what happened. Fast forward*

We were back to his office. For some reason, there is a bed in his private office and the lunch must've made me really sleepy and I fell asleep there.

When I woke up, I was completely under the blanket with Big Boy holding it and in the dark, he peered down at me. Apparently, he had been doing something intimate with me while I was sleeping.

It was either he was fucking me or he was fingering me.

Up to a point, he pulled out his dick and brandished it before me. Then he started jerking off and the cum exploded in my face, marking me his territory. He looked satisfied and laughed gleefully, in a chauvinistic way.

I wiped off the cum with my hand. My state of mind there was that since he paid for my meal (and I was just a street tramp all dirty and homeless) and he was a man of professional status, well, I have no great loss. In fact, I should feel somewhat grateful that he still wanted me.

Then I felt myself growing a little bit attached to him.

He got up and said he had to go to the next appointment. He had to go watch a musical in the glass auditorium next door with his boss and client. I asked if I could come along. He looked irritated and perhaps felt that I was a social embarrassment in my tattered clothes and with my dirty appearance. He said no to me rather firmly (like the Saturday night in real life where he was firm with me that he didn't want to meet me the next evening).

So I stood outside at the glass auditorium and watched him walk down the stairs and ushered to his seat where he met up with people of his kind.

For some reason, I continued to hover outside the auditorium. However, I was resolved that I would get over him and the neediness for him fast dissipated despite still having some residual feelings for him.

When he got out of the auditorium, he came up to me and attempted to placate me for not taking me with him by kissing me on my lips. I pulled away from his sudden switch in affection as I felt uncomfortable. He got offended and that look of anger of rejection became apparaent as it was written all over his face.

*dream fades away*

****

I wonder if there are any semblances to real life of how things become.

Since he didn't get a shot at cumming on my face in real life as he has propositioned to do, ah well, he got me there in the dream. Heh!

On my last night before I was due to leave my homeland, V and I sat on the front porch of my house as we recounted on how different my personal journey has taken me than what I have envisaged two and a half weeks before.

"He could have been that lucky guy, indulging in all the fun with you", V said, that cheeky half smile on her face.

"But he had sabotage himself."


Then again, we figured it must have been fate. So many false starts and attempts but still we are still at level zero, for two consenting and willing individual with substantial carnal appetites and spontaneity.

I guess if that happened, I could have been quite happy to be his for that 2.5 weeks home. Dr. Jekyll & Hyde and that Manila tycoon beau would not stand a chance in the equation because to start of with, they were not factored into my grand plan of indulgence. The grand scheme of things would have changed really.

However, it serves a blessing in disguise. What am I to do with a man who is getting married? I have no inclination or the audacity to think that I am so irresistable that someone would renege his marriage for me. It kind of reminded me of my experience with the Man. Where would that leave me except a cold and hollow void? I see the pointlessness of it all.

So there you go, things do happen for a reason.

Maybe he couldn't handle it and this part of his inability which had betrayed his speech and his actions led him to getting further away from being sync with me.

And I too became uncomfortable- like having expectations of an overhyped persona, as V would put it, that I was led to believe in that other stuff that he was made of. And vice versa.

See, I did also made it so easy there for him- all ready to be his but he falters with self- oubt and doubts and who ends up being the Enemy?

You got it right! Himself!

P.S. Big Boy, at least you got to shoot your cum in my face, even if it only existed in my dream. You had a thematic moment in my stream of subconsciousnes there!;)

Labels: THE P-oignant Moments

(Girlfriends and) Friday...

is the day I would normally look forward to. Well, not really I have more work awaiting me in the office tomorrow.

A typical Friday evening here for P is a glass of sauvignon blanc in hand topped up at about 5pm while she continues working away at her desk. Occasionally, she gets invited to after work drinks. Or sometimes she does her usual last minute dash aboard the Greyhound to spend a warm and fuzzy weekend inter-state in her joint abode with her DL and fluffball....

I am missing last Friday night. I am nostalgic because fun came unexpectedly and brought me to a high and now I have fallen deeper into the troughs as a result.

I noticed that every holiday when I return to rouse my girlfriends to an exciting girls' night out, I initially tend to receive slightly apprehensive and uninspired reactions. But they obliged and humour me because I am now "foreigner" and they love me to bits and want me to maximise my fun time. I always assure them a good time because again my strong sense of servitude ensures that I deliver my promise and maximise my companions' satisfaction. Then the real fun begins- we get picked up by eligible types and get into interesting conversations that they suddenly become a party animal convert overnight. Then they start craving for more and cannot get over the "high" legacy I would have left behind...

"Partying is not fun without you. You are the hunk magnet." V said.

"P, I just want to do all the wrong things now," cool B would add.

"Now the both of you are getting itchy," I would tease cheekily.

You see, I am the Devil's Advocate who bring out the excessiveness in my girlfriends. I recognised that it was always there in their natures but like an unpolished gem, it needs polishing to bring out that spark in them. Larger-than-life is how I propose we live and with the increasing nights out, coupled by my love for salacious banter (I've also managed to bring my two separate best friends V and B together finally), the girls get bolder, hornier and higher. ;)

"Now that's living," I said.

I don't know really. Guess I like being an orchestrator. I said to V just now (called her on company's expense; heh), think I am like a traffic controller. Actually, maybe the bouncer or hostess who ensures that everyone is in for a good time because come to think of it, I am sociable but not quite a groupie. I kind of enjoy time alone if not with the girls, like I do on most days Down Under. See how pathetic am I, blogging on a supposedly happening Friday evening.

Hmm, actually I like to see myself as a deal-maker. An originator of deals- I bring in the fun and my pack gets to do the execution. They enjoy the kill. As a team, each player plays a different role. So really, it is a joint effort on all our parts.

It doesn't quite work for me operating here only. A solo singer without her own band produces no good gig. It has to be mutually inclusive...

So there you go- much as the girls miss me and try to track my schedule day in day out to stay posted, overlooking the surmounting long distance phone bills, I now live my life vicariously through them. Those romantic love stories or escapades they have since experienced from our nights outs are constantly fed across to me because they are led to believe I have enable them to happen. Ah well, if only they were receptive to my company like ten years back.

Then they also pledged to fly over to hang out to revive our fun and dirty nights out. I really have great girlfriends!

Ok- yet another crap post! But I missed the girls, I hate the fact that I have to get back to work, I am suppressing any painfully numbing thoughts of my troubled relationship with DL and I really, really miss Dr. Jekyll & Hyde who holds not very strong feelings for me. Then there is also my Manila society beau's big 35th birthday bash (and whom miraculously, look not much a day older than me) that I would miss tomorrow! He even texted me and said he had a great foot massage last nite! Dammit! Everyone's having fun but me!!!

Sigh, am back in the grind and that's my reality for sure!

P.S Any takers to hasten spicing up my social calendar? Need a quick fix!;(

Writer's Haze...

is what yours truly is experiencing tonight. This is the opposite of writer's block.

Today, I started off the day with so much content and thoughts to write about and precisely because of this assualt of ideas, I have been writing and abandoning different drafts for the past 2.5 hours. Nothing produced yet.

Goddamit, it's past midnight and I have to catch some sleep.

The notion of time reminds me that I have a day job that pays.

Tommorrow, for the nth time, I will walk up the sloping road, dressed in my corporate suit, pearl necklace and sneakers, a face in the rat race. I will take a deep breath to brace myself for the challenges ahead and enter that foreboding prestigious Tower of Power where corporate and financial elites fight their battles, left wing lobbyists strategically establish their protest and boycott playground whenever occasion is called for and endless news commentaries employ it as a backdrop for news commentators day in day out...

I say thank Buddha it's Friday (TBIF!) and am then reminded of a different place in my life- my bitter-sweet times as a struggling fashion design assistant in the atelier of Paris on Rue Reamur that really wasn't that long ago...

Where lies the food for my soul?

Oh, I just remember that I got headhunted again and have a lunch appointment tomorrow...

TODAY…

I got awakened with a less than positive start. V texted me that she was feeling low again and she felt as if she is coming down from a super high… I am no better. Last night, I pushed the thought of leaving DL aside, fantasizing on Dr. Jekyll & Hyde instead. But it got me really down because I haven’t hear from him since I last texted him yesterday upon my return. So I felt like I was hitting a brick wall wherever I turned.

I woke up feeling totally n’en forme pas (is that right V?) and not looking forward to work. When I arrived at work, I received two personal emails. One from Josie who encouraged me to work hard and try to be happy with my life (On Sunday morning before we parted, he said that he would like to see me grow up the next time he comes Down Under to visit me) and the other from M. Yes, my M who is currently doing his Tibet/India travels.

M mentioned that he wouldn’t be in Hong Kong by the time I visit Macau in mid March. Funny, he was just thinking about me and my Singapore trip the other day, he said. He will fly off to UK early March and then onwards to Chile to hang out with his family. So there you go, I guess he wasn’t going to stopover in Sydney en route to Santiago after all. Well, just as well because again, I ask myself what’s the point?

I replied a cordial email and said that guess we are going to miss seeing each other again but never mind, I hope we would see each other again sometime this life.

No, I wasn’t being sarcastic but just stating the fact that I hope to see him again this lifetime. Just there, no imposition of a timeframe. I don’t know, it must’ve been my spiritual re-awakening during my time back home. I love this guy but I guess some things are just not meant to be and I think I am learning to let go…

I’m feeling weary from all the emotional burden that I shoulder, now it’s time that I focus on me…

I felt tears swelling up my eyes because I felt tired and sorry for myself. Not just him but my entire emotional being. I tried bracing myself to get on with work as I have loads to work on today- the usual mapping of teams and all. I am so sick and tired of making calls because I just have a terrible fear for phones and what my eyes cannot see.

Then before lunch, the boss summoned me to the room with the delivery of bonus news. I attempted to look happy and surprised by the amount (since I had privy knowledge since the start of the year) but her words of encouragement and appreciation did lightened me up. She said that I was holding the fort well and was really stepping up to the role. I took bold to request for what I have always hoped to achieve in my job scope and it was granted. She recognized that I needed to go further and challenged myself harder. So that was one big up for me to neutralize the early morning sub depression…

At least, work is always an aspect I would have control over.

You know what they say about women with emotional or family problems? They make the best workers…

****

Over dinner, I sat down to talk to the older sibling.

I told her I am tired. Tired in my relationship with DL.

But always, too many things would come to hold me back.

His love holds me back and drags me down. 6.5 years and less than a year into the relationship, the break up notion has already started to sow its seeds in my mental backyard. Over the years of accumulated trials and tribulations, it made the weaning off harder.

It wasn’t the length of time together but the intensity of the emotional, financial and physical struggle we had to go through together. It was us against the world and our survival instincts sharpened ten fold. Or was it just mine? DL still come out somewhat unscathed (with the exception of one major regrettable incident) while my protective and mothering nature must have scarred me so many times over as I have often single-handedly weather the storms and suffer the battering alone for us…

See, I have a need to win in life and so I charged on with ferocity when the going gets tough, like to prove a point. I am a true survivor, I was told. And I have a intensely protective instinct over the people that I care for.

So now I grow weary. Finally, my red letter day arrives. But I cannot seem to enjoy it in peace or jointly with him. DL has not caught pace with me and again, I keep finding ways to shorten his gap with mine, just so he would not be left behind. And hence, I slow down, but often with apprehension and claustrophobia, like I have somewhat been trapped.

The day where I don’t nag at or worry about you is the day I longer care for you, I used to say.

The other night, I spoke in a weak, resigned voice that it was up to him what he wanted to do with his life. The onus was on him now. But how was he with money was all I ever asked. As usual, practical and protective me talking and I need to know first things first.

He must’ve detected the tone to mean something more serious and poignant than what he have foreseen.

I am tired, I told him.

He was silent and then he went on to say that he would get on with it himself.

Then I could no longer talk or keep up the forced assuredness of light-heartedness of my childish tone and excused myself to cease the phone conversation that night.

****

But gullibly sentimental me. This is my stupid gene that makes up a big part of my nature. It has done me in way too many times. I never learn.

The other night, even Harry mentioned that I am so brilliant at so many things, but when it comes to my choice of men…. Well, he started sniggering but in good jest…

And DL is the best thing that ever came along in my emotional life.

****

I remember the incident of the caran d’ache water colour pencils that never fails to tug at my heartstrings and make me a coward at the eleventh second to let those words be uttered even when I appeared ungrateful for committing my shady deeds on the side…

I was leaving for Paris. He hated the idea but he wouldn’t have not let me go for fear that I would hate him for stifling my life. The final damage that led the opening of my emotional Pandora’s box has since already been incurred.

He put down his pride and insecurity of possibly seeing me off to another life , experiences and other men. And he gave me his blessings. I avoided acknowledging his emotional insecurities to avoid raking up an unhappy past.

We were still hell as broke- me scringing and saving and emptying out my last cent of life savings just for this trip. I was to go to Paris to study fashion for a short while to fulfill my dreams. I needed to bring lots of art materials with me and I loved working with watercolour pencils because they were the easiest medium to control, not having sketched and drawn in years (when I couldn’t bring to do so again because I thought I’ll never ever have a go at attending an art school).

So DL went to order a set of 72 caran d’ache colour secretly behind my back and came home one day to surprise me. I was elated.

Why so many colours? It must be very expensive!

Back then, every cent counts.

I was quietly happy, of course.

Baby, study hard, he uttered quietly.

He only ever give me the best, even with what little money he has. Even now.

I was grateful for his blessings and very touched.

But one part of me has been hardened by a destructible pain that he has irreversibly wrecked me.

Anyhow, I did finally return home. Only this time, I am laden with secrets compounding secrets and suffering compounding suffering…

I figured I deserved my break. But I have started a habit that I wonder if I could ever quit as long as I hang on to him.

DL and I brought the worst out of each other- those baser, destructive instincts that we both harboured in the very depths of our nature. We unleased it one day because he opened up my Pandora’s box. But then again, my will was weak and I betrayed my wandering nature in exchange for a short-lived fantastical moment. Me- the intellectually laisseiz faire soul who is in a constant quest for adventures and a through and through escapist.

If we start pointing accusing fingers, there would be no end to it since the best plausible explanation is that our personalities or what I would much rather call “soul types” are incompatible. I live larger than life whereas he favours a stable, routine life governed by herd instinct. But again fate brought us together under the most unexpected circumstances and again my Ego did me in. I didn’t know when to fold when I saw my winning streak was coming to an end. Instead, I trudged on and think I could do the hardyards.

I'm no Quiter, I told myself.

Or was the Ego really my sentimentality and loyalty?

****

Today, I feel weary. I wonder how much more weight I could take before I tip the balance of the basket of intensely pain-laden love and the basket of accumulating escapist secrets that poises ever so precariously on my tiredly sore shoulders?

That Velvet Night

Finally I am having decent internet access, I have much to write about. My last Manila sexcapade with one of the society types and the romping in the chauffered window tinted jeep with his friend in the passenger seat, my big plans ahead etc, the 4 wedding announcements that I have heard from friends since my return (oh, congratulations! Big Boy- why am I not surprised!) but even then, we can save that for another day.

Oh, and there was also our braless night out- us 3 girls. But we didn't agree on that together. But it happened. Someone hoped to get lucky, another was hoping to titilate herself and maybe also get lucky to an extent and I never cared for bras- way too constricting unless I need help to uplift...heh...

Now I want to talk about my Dr. Jekyll & Hyde. A sentimental fellow but a polygamist like myself. The worst combination for any aspiring player, we both agree. Ok, V I hear you- make no connections and attachments! ;p

"I quite fancy you," I told him on Sunday. More so than the day before.

Because he felt like a friend and a potential fuck buddy. No, we did not have sex.

I have been chided by my 2 gatekeepers, V and B (these days, she has been a bit of a devil's advocate herself) that I have no self-discipline. The last thing that I would do is to get into trouble with my best girlfriends.

****

Ok, it all started with the night of the Velvet. V, her friend (a trader by day and a match maker by night) and I were out for a night of philosophical bantering. And then I got nostalgic and suggested to head for that discotheque playground that I grew up having fun in.

I was still in my day clothes that I wore since 10a.m when I visited the Singapore office and caught up with a few people. I did not forsee a big night and had no heels, evening bag, titillating dresses or tops on.

Anyhow, we got ourselves a table that was reserved and sat down with the two jugs of Long Island tea that I bought. I had a feeling I might see someone tonight. E was the first guy I had in mind for some reason.

Then at some stage, I decided to head for the bathroom and voila! who do I see but my good old party buddy, Harry! Harry and I go way back 10 years. Harry is my good friend's ex-bf and I used to hang out with him and his friends during our junior college years. He went to a top school whereas I didn't. We hugged each other so tight and then I turned and saw E with him.

"Why didn't you call me since you're back?" E asked.

I shrugged my shoulders.

Then I told the boys to come join my friends and me.

Harry said later, they were still waiting for another friend.

****
So they came over to join us three. 4 boys in total.

I was introduced to Dr. Jekyll and Hyde. I thought he wore a nice shirt and a cool crystal stud on his left ear and that he was stylish. But no more. Besides, I wanted to make sure that V and her friend were having fun. You see, I have a lot of servitude and always take it upon myself to ensure that my pack is having a good time.

Dr. J&H was kind of quiet and being too elated to catch up with Harry and partly conscious of E in the background, the last I needed was to pick up (amongst a whole lot of obvious reasons). But I soon became aware that Dr. J&H was someone that Harry has spoken a fair length about previously. Now, it was a matter of putting a face with the aforementioned character.

Harry and I started catching up and picking up from we left- it has been two years since we met. The last happened when I returned from Paris. Harry is a party boy and I guess our connecting factor is that we are both Cassanovas. So he updated me quickly on his recent escapades with various girls and we resumed our bawdy talk.

Harry is the only guy who gets away talking crude with me cos ' you see, I always regarded him as a buddy and vice versa. We must be the male and female live wire equivalent at a party. That night, he was once again impressed by my birthday remembering memory and re-enacted to the entire group about how I gave him a "blow job" on his 21st birthday. You see, I was the only person who remembered his birthday on a Monday evening and asked him out. Then we went to Hard Rock where I administered him with a blow job shot where he sat with his legs sprawled open on the table and I had to lick up the whipped cream between them, made out in the form of the balls and the dick, then I got to drink the shot. Or was it him? There I confessed that I love giving blow jobs. Heh!;)

Now it was kind of embarrasing because E sat there smiling quietly because he was the one who got THE blowjob!

So the alcohol ran deeper into our bloodstreams and the merry-making heightened. Harry led the group (this time we lost V's friend and E has been somewhere trying to get lucky for the night though he suggested that I joined him at the bar and we could adjourn to somewhere else after but I figured intellectually I couldn't have bring myself to sleep with him; what I liked about him was his boyishness at 18 but I tried having an intimate shot with him last year and it worked no magic so it was definitely a no go this time round. If I was keen, I would’ve contacted him when I came back) to Phuture. Harry and I used to spend a fair amount of our time on that dance floor on our regular Mambo nights out. At some stage, it was just Harry, Dr J&H and me. I had each guy on one arm and we started dancing together. “You’re still my girl, man,” Harry laughed as we reminisced our good old boogieing days as we partied hard on the dance floor. Guess some things never change. The free spirited child in us once again re-ignited.

At this stage, V and her new beau from the group has wandered off for some hanky pankering. I rang and texted her several times with threats of not going too far as I figured she was not in the right frame of mind yet to be flinging too seriously i.e. to be sleeping with another man. She has called off the wedding that was supposed to happen about a week and a half ago (funnily, the day of Harry’s birthday) and the last thing she needed was to be on a hardcore rebound. I even went as far as threatening Harry to do something and he’d better recall his friend to ensure that they both come back intact. Tonight, I wanted it to be a sampler night for her, to fully realize what fun singlehood can be. She has denied that free spirited soul of hers for way too long. See V and I are very similar, except I think I am capable of being more sentimental than her. She has the carnal instincts of a man. For once, I played the role of the knuckle rapper.

Then V and the beau returned, looking sheepish. We were all high and happy from drinks (times like this, I wish we have some weed to go around). V started daring Harry and Dr. J&H to french kiss for 5 seconds. Harry has always been a great sport but as always the cheeky bastard that he is, he asked what we would proffer in return. We agreed that we would each french kiss one of the guys for 5 seconds in return. V volunteered herself to Harry and appointed me to Dr. J&H. In my mind, I was apprehensive as it was something new. The thought of kissing someone that I have yet to harbour any romantic interest in at this moment seemed a little daunting. But then I figured, what the heck? There is always a first in all experiences.

So the boys did their kissing. They actually French kissed in 2 sessions of 5 seconds because tipsy V insisted that they were cheating, though at my angle I was quite sure they didn’t and made the boys repeat. V’s new beau stood there to watch. And when the boys were done, we couldn’t stop laughing and then it became our turns to reciprocate. V kissed Harry and he couldn’t stop complimenting about her tongue. “You’re good man!” he said. We all roared in laughter.

Then it was my turn- Dr. J&H and I did our bit. Those 5 seconds felt a tad long. I felt nothing at that stage.

In between, E and I continued exchanging texts a bit. Finally, he called to see if I was still at Zouk. At this stage, he had already gone home.

The night stretched on as we sojourn from Zouk to MOS to the Balcony. It was down to us three in our final destination- Harry, Dr. J&H and me. V and her new beau took half an hour to locate their car, only that when they finally reached MOS, they were denied entry as the establishment was wrapping up for the night.

I vaguely remember dancing in the technicoloured dance floor of MOS with Harry and was introduced to a Malay DJ who nearly got sacked because of Harry’s previous drink inducing insistent way. At that stage, I think Dr. J&H was somewhere in the background.

Then it was time to go. Dr. J&H suggested that we adjourned to the Balcony as it was the only place that would still be open. We could have wine. I was happy to not have to go home, think it’s the party girl in me and I always welcome partying company. I am so deprived Down Under.

I remember seeing two Malay lady boys outside wearing black ultra sexy outfits. The dress barely covered one of their butts. I looked at “her” and wished I had her skinny legs. It was Dr. J&H who mentioned that they were lady boys- I reckoned by this time, my judgement was impaired and I had two guys as my arm accessories.

I remember feeling like me again- that free spirited unrestrained soul of a child in me. That real fun-loving flirt in me. It sure has been a long time…

So we got into a cab since at this stage, Dr. J&H deemed no longer safe to drive his car. I don’t remember if I was sat in between or at the far right but I sure was having a good time, being in the company of funny blokes.

W arrived at the balcony suitably late. I reckoned it must be at least five in the morning. We sashayed into the bar, my arms slung to my two bodyguards. As the only lady of the group handled between two men, I got to choose my choice of wine. I picked a Sauvignon Blanc. Dr. J&H picked a French bottle and we sat tightly on the couch filled with cushions.

The waiter brought the bottle and the glasses and Harry took out his credit card.

Barely into half a glass, Harry decided to take a nap. The waiter came back with the bill for Harry to sign, only to find him fast asleep. Dr J&H and I looked emptily at the waiter who was quick to excuse himself and offered to come back later.

So it was down to us two. So what can two tipsy souls do at this ungodly hour?

My guess is as good as yours. Kiss!

I don’t know what we talked about but we did talked a lot and kissed a lot and at some stage, I remembered sitting on his lap shamelessly, my face facing his, the bar attendants watching us all the while. We must have kissed for hours until at some point, I must’ve sober up a bit and turned to look backwards to discover that the sky has brightened. I looked at my diamond-studded watch and realized that it was 8.30am.

I decided it was time to move as my 12.30p.m appointment awaited. Yet another day of limited sleep. We woke Harry up and the waiter promptly brought the bill to Harry. In his sleepiness, we made him sign the bill. Dr. J&H and I exchanged secret giggles, performed all in good jest.

We got Harry into a cab before hailing down another one for us. This time, it was just Dr. J&H and I as we cuddled up all the way to his house.

****

The best nights out are those outings where you have the least expectations.

That night was wonderful for everyone. V had the wildest time in the longest while.

I had yet another great time, following my reunion with my party buddy, Harry.

And then I met Dr. J&H.

But it was a funny night.

The photographer took a picture of us at Velvet Underground. V has posted it up her blog. Everyone looked truly in good spirits. As usual, I wasn’t too photogenic but what does it matter?

That funny poem V wrote is indeed so true. In one way or another, V and I were romantically or intimately related to the boys one way or another. It takes an astute person to piece all those fun missing puzzles together and allocate the right guys to the right girls…

Cheeky eh?;)