Sunday, April 14, 2013
Contemplation on a Sunday Night.
I wonder how long my life is going to be like this...
Recluse and feeling somewhat alone.
I don't mind it so much if only I have all the disposable income in the world. On most days I wish I could just continue hiding in this tiny cocoon I call my home, not worrying about doing the mundane things in life like work, whilst I spend the remaining time of my early waking hours and after work houring caring for yet another of my sick dog, Rusty.
The Fluffball passed away almost two years now from late stage renal failure.
Yet again, I am faced with the same situation with my other rescued dog, Rusty. She passed what must be her 11th or 12th (or more) birthday on Tuesday. I didn't think she was going to make it. I was so grateful to the Universe.
With a worsening heart murmur, kidney disease and liver changes, I am living the same nightmare I had with the Fluffball all over again. I wake up early and sleep late syringing different types of herbal medicines and fluids in to her mouth and giving her hydrotherapies and taking her out for short, baby walks, with medicine buddha prayers playing in the background. She hasn't drank on her own for what must be two weeks now. Whenever she takes the initiative to eat ever so little, I am over the moon but I wonder when will be her next willing meal...
I am beginning to think I have a vortex to "attracting" old and sick rescued dogs, despite the best prevention I could provide with top quality nutrition. I start wondering where I have gone wrong or what else could I have done better for my beloved pets. They mean the world to me. I don't think I have ever loved so selflessly.
At the moment, there are lots happening in my personal life. Funnily enough, even without a social life and being on my own for the most part, so much can still be happening. I found a change within me and I am slowly uncovering the change and my life circumstances and I suspect my sick dogs had meant to lead me to what I had always aspire to do as a child but don't know how in my growing pragmatic mind. I suspect I am meant to do healing work for animals, particularly dogs (as an Australian clairvoyant once said I had the gift of healing and understanding religious texts such as the I-ching quite easily because I was a holy person in my previous life. When I was in Nepal, a Tibetan Lama told me I was a Tibetan nun in my previous life and I would need to liberate animals to accumulate merit for the good health and longevity of my parents. I walked on the streets and found a man selling birds and bought quite a number of them who travelled with my tour guide and chauffer all the way to Narkagot in our car where I released it to the beautiful and serene wilderness of the highlands).
Healing and medicine seems to run in my family. My siblings being in the medical profession. My father, who is a man who loves to learn has always found himself finding holistic ways for healing through learning more about traditional Chinese medicine and other such modalities. It was something I believed in since I was a child except my mind was too lazy or not curious enough to find out more until I had my dogs. It has definitely changed my life and my recent growing interest in holistic medicine had led me to explore different avenues of study in Western or Chinese Herbal Medicine to perhaps complement the older sibling's likelihood to set up her own medical pracitce in the near future. Except I wasn't sure if it was humans I wanted to deal with.
So a few weeks ago, I began to dig deeper in my quest to seek help for my ailing dog and I guess, subconsciously to find myself again through learning and studying (which again, strong academics run in the blood of my family). And voila, I found EXACTLY what I was looking for. A Diploma in Small Animal Naturopathy and another course in Small Animal Homeopathy. Since then, I greet my day with an unspoken excitement, adrenalin pumping through my veins to aim for that course as the goal. In the meantime, I had to push myself hard to healing my dog and so each long drawn out syringing session with Rusty, I embrace it with positivity as a challenge of my ability to heal.
At the moment, work is becoming unbearable due to some unreasonable demands and I am beginning to think it no longer serves me with the original reason of having work-life balance in compromise to working for a much lower pay job. As a business minded person, the numbers just don't add up now given the unrealistic demands of putting more unpaid time into work, cutting on casual staff hours and pressure to hold charity event ("your own charity" said the management, except the big spenders are not in charities I feel for so I am conducting after-hour charity events really to bring in the dollars for the company!) more after hours on my own unpaid time. I reckon, emotionally I am ready to move on. So I guess it is time I get back in the real working world. Suddenly, donning a corporate suit back on (though it looks like I need to expend more $ buying some, having dumped most of my expensive suits in the charity bins) isn't so daunting after all, knowing I could start making some real money and saving for the Animal Naturopathy course and do it.
Who knows, in a few years' time, the world could well be my oyster.
Recluse and feeling somewhat alone.
I don't mind it so much if only I have all the disposable income in the world. On most days I wish I could just continue hiding in this tiny cocoon I call my home, not worrying about doing the mundane things in life like work, whilst I spend the remaining time of my early waking hours and after work houring caring for yet another of my sick dog, Rusty.
The Fluffball passed away almost two years now from late stage renal failure.
Yet again, I am faced with the same situation with my other rescued dog, Rusty. She passed what must be her 11th or 12th (or more) birthday on Tuesday. I didn't think she was going to make it. I was so grateful to the Universe.
With a worsening heart murmur, kidney disease and liver changes, I am living the same nightmare I had with the Fluffball all over again. I wake up early and sleep late syringing different types of herbal medicines and fluids in to her mouth and giving her hydrotherapies and taking her out for short, baby walks, with medicine buddha prayers playing in the background. She hasn't drank on her own for what must be two weeks now. Whenever she takes the initiative to eat ever so little, I am over the moon but I wonder when will be her next willing meal...
I am beginning to think I have a vortex to "attracting" old and sick rescued dogs, despite the best prevention I could provide with top quality nutrition. I start wondering where I have gone wrong or what else could I have done better for my beloved pets. They mean the world to me. I don't think I have ever loved so selflessly.
At the moment, there are lots happening in my personal life. Funnily enough, even without a social life and being on my own for the most part, so much can still be happening. I found a change within me and I am slowly uncovering the change and my life circumstances and I suspect my sick dogs had meant to lead me to what I had always aspire to do as a child but don't know how in my growing pragmatic mind. I suspect I am meant to do healing work for animals, particularly dogs (as an Australian clairvoyant once said I had the gift of healing and understanding religious texts such as the I-ching quite easily because I was a holy person in my previous life. When I was in Nepal, a Tibetan Lama told me I was a Tibetan nun in my previous life and I would need to liberate animals to accumulate merit for the good health and longevity of my parents. I walked on the streets and found a man selling birds and bought quite a number of them who travelled with my tour guide and chauffer all the way to Narkagot in our car where I released it to the beautiful and serene wilderness of the highlands).
Healing and medicine seems to run in my family. My siblings being in the medical profession. My father, who is a man who loves to learn has always found himself finding holistic ways for healing through learning more about traditional Chinese medicine and other such modalities. It was something I believed in since I was a child except my mind was too lazy or not curious enough to find out more until I had my dogs. It has definitely changed my life and my recent growing interest in holistic medicine had led me to explore different avenues of study in Western or Chinese Herbal Medicine to perhaps complement the older sibling's likelihood to set up her own medical pracitce in the near future. Except I wasn't sure if it was humans I wanted to deal with.
So a few weeks ago, I began to dig deeper in my quest to seek help for my ailing dog and I guess, subconsciously to find myself again through learning and studying (which again, strong academics run in the blood of my family). And voila, I found EXACTLY what I was looking for. A Diploma in Small Animal Naturopathy and another course in Small Animal Homeopathy. Since then, I greet my day with an unspoken excitement, adrenalin pumping through my veins to aim for that course as the goal. In the meantime, I had to push myself hard to healing my dog and so each long drawn out syringing session with Rusty, I embrace it with positivity as a challenge of my ability to heal.
At the moment, work is becoming unbearable due to some unreasonable demands and I am beginning to think it no longer serves me with the original reason of having work-life balance in compromise to working for a much lower pay job. As a business minded person, the numbers just don't add up now given the unrealistic demands of putting more unpaid time into work, cutting on casual staff hours and pressure to hold charity event ("your own charity" said the management, except the big spenders are not in charities I feel for so I am conducting after-hour charity events really to bring in the dollars for the company!) more after hours on my own unpaid time. I reckon, emotionally I am ready to move on. So I guess it is time I get back in the real working world. Suddenly, donning a corporate suit back on (though it looks like I need to expend more $ buying some, having dumped most of my expensive suits in the charity bins) isn't so daunting after all, knowing I could start making some real money and saving for the Animal Naturopathy course and do it.
Who knows, in a few years' time, the world could well be my oyster.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
(telepathic) love call
how many times
must I call out
to the Universe
to get what
I wish for
my strike rate
isn't looking
too swell
at the moment
so when
will I hear
from you again?
must I call out
to the Universe
to get what
I wish for
my strike rate
isn't looking
too swell
at the moment
so when
will I hear
from you again?
Monday, April 01, 2013
Dear Mr...,
My restless mind remembers that night. You were sweet and your kisses affectionate. And I didn't quite see it coming.
I do wish I could know you a little better. It is rather challenging being in different countries ( and believe me, I did contemplated about moving back home in my trip before the last to perhaps know you better & a nice career awaiting me at home. But I couldn't justify doing it just for you & it would be just that, especially when you didnt seem all that keen with my homecoming. So i have decided to stay put & do it tough here in Sad Town & lead a life I know better where I had spent my adult years). Like you, I have a rather vulnerable ego in the heart department so I had to be careful not to let my heart rule my head and end up with a huge disappointment- i won't be able to forgive myself if I had made a wrong move, uprooting myself and my life. You have rocked my boat- not sure if I could stomach you rocking my life. When I was back home, I hardly got to see you.. The unanswered text and Facebook messages... I have long suspected it was all very deliberate...
I thought I saw you looking at me with some intent that night we did meet amongst other people. If your eyes meant to speak to me, I completely missed the message behind it...
I prayed to the universe hard that particular day. I prayed that I would be as happy as the lark if I saw you even just that once before I head back to my adopted home in Australia. Funny how I lamented to Anna at the pub that I can forget it and 30 minutes later, I saw your SMS asking "Are you free tonight?" I was over the moon even though you didn't plan to come alone ( which I wished you did & i would have gladly left the crowd with you) without Photo. Still it was lovely to see you again...:)
My birthday just passed 2 days ago- I wonder if you realise it from Facebook because whilst I got birthday well wishes from friends and some old loves, I certainly didn't get one from you. Sometimes I wonder being 34 means anything. I had thought I would grow wiser with age and place lesser meaning to certain things but I find myself feeling somewhat similar to the way I felt when I was 18 or even 12 and I am still that girl that experiences that flutter in my heart...
I think I have exhausted my wish with the universe. And I really, really wish you would write me sometime...
XOXO
P On an Easter Sunday...
it is strange chancing upon photos of ex-flings on Facebook and realising that he has got married and is just about to become a father...
Perhaps, one part of me could never believe that one day we would all grow up and get married and become parents like grown ups are supposed to do in the natural cycle of life...
******
This said person, E was an old crush from my junior college days in the late 1990s. Another of Harry's school friend. He was a sport jock (ex swimmer) who was supposed to be hard to get. So when he asked for my name and called me to go out every weekend when he booked out of the army, I thought we had a good deal going. But before any action happened, he disappeared just as quickly after his Brunei training trip and me giving him a little present of a teddy bear. No return of pager messages. Shortly after, I bumped into him at Borders. For that split second, we looked at each other and then I walked away. I decided to write him off as a bad debt.
Fast forward to 2005. Somehow it must be Facebook or something, we got in touch. He asked me out whilst I was back in Singapore for holidays. We watched " The Lion, the witch and wardrobe" and he turned all sleazy. Totally not the innocent schoolboy that I was once infatuated with. Some fun times we had but I was determined for him to stay as a summer fling. In my twisted mind, I continued teasing him but would never give myself to him completely (amongst other things I made him do in my own sick private way to "punish" him whilst my mind felt pleasured by the thought), being reminded of how he went cold on me in our teens...
Came 2007, I bumped into him again in Velvet Underground but not without bumping into Harry first. As he was much shorter than Harry, he was blocked from my view. At this stage, I hadn't seen Harry in a number of years and was all excited.
E was on the prowl that night it seemed. He tried to text me to resume where we left off the previous summer but that night, I was sidetracked by another of Harry's friend, Jekyl and Hyde...
E felt nothing more than a sleazebag and I wished he had remained in my memory as that innocent, gentlemanly and somewhat nerdy junior college schoolboy that I was once infatuated with...
******
In my intimacies with half strangers and catching a glimpse of their "prowling" side, I often wonder silently how they are like with their chosen life partners in the department of intimacy...
*******
His wife and him look really happy in the picture.
In fact, he looks a little bit nerdy in his glasses like he has regressed back to his youthful days. That nicer, benign guy which I once adored. Not so sleazy (those days of asking a girl to go to a hotel must be over, I hope for his wife). But then again, like attract like. He could well be that sleazebag perhaps because I gave off that vibe of a wild cat. A ravenous, wild cat I was in those days. I am glad my off-the-rails days are over...
Guess everyone must grow up one day and settle down. And he has found that someone to share the rest of his life with. I wish him the very best.
Every pot has its lid, I believe.
I wonder if I would find mine one day.
Perhaps, one part of me could never believe that one day we would all grow up and get married and become parents like grown ups are supposed to do in the natural cycle of life...
******
This said person, E was an old crush from my junior college days in the late 1990s. Another of Harry's school friend. He was a sport jock (ex swimmer) who was supposed to be hard to get. So when he asked for my name and called me to go out every weekend when he booked out of the army, I thought we had a good deal going. But before any action happened, he disappeared just as quickly after his Brunei training trip and me giving him a little present of a teddy bear. No return of pager messages. Shortly after, I bumped into him at Borders. For that split second, we looked at each other and then I walked away. I decided to write him off as a bad debt.
Fast forward to 2005. Somehow it must be Facebook or something, we got in touch. He asked me out whilst I was back in Singapore for holidays. We watched " The Lion, the witch and wardrobe" and he turned all sleazy. Totally not the innocent schoolboy that I was once infatuated with. Some fun times we had but I was determined for him to stay as a summer fling. In my twisted mind, I continued teasing him but would never give myself to him completely (amongst other things I made him do in my own sick private way to "punish" him whilst my mind felt pleasured by the thought), being reminded of how he went cold on me in our teens...
Came 2007, I bumped into him again in Velvet Underground but not without bumping into Harry first. As he was much shorter than Harry, he was blocked from my view. At this stage, I hadn't seen Harry in a number of years and was all excited.
E was on the prowl that night it seemed. He tried to text me to resume where we left off the previous summer but that night, I was sidetracked by another of Harry's friend, Jekyl and Hyde...
E felt nothing more than a sleazebag and I wished he had remained in my memory as that innocent, gentlemanly and somewhat nerdy junior college schoolboy that I was once infatuated with...
******
In my intimacies with half strangers and catching a glimpse of their "prowling" side, I often wonder silently how they are like with their chosen life partners in the department of intimacy...
*******
His wife and him look really happy in the picture.
In fact, he looks a little bit nerdy in his glasses like he has regressed back to his youthful days. That nicer, benign guy which I once adored. Not so sleazy (those days of asking a girl to go to a hotel must be over, I hope for his wife). But then again, like attract like. He could well be that sleazebag perhaps because I gave off that vibe of a wild cat. A ravenous, wild cat I was in those days. I am glad my off-the-rails days are over...
Guess everyone must grow up one day and settle down. And he has found that someone to share the rest of his life with. I wish him the very best.
Every pot has its lid, I believe.
I wonder if I would find mine one day.
