Restructure- on your own terms

I have a stack of them sitting on my coffee table.

They are supposed to be my priority to-read pile.

But at the moment, I am not making the best use of my evening time after work reading what I need to in a variety of topics that I need to get myself educated with my personal and business research purposes.

Instead, here I am blogging crap and surfing the internet and re-visiting quotes from my all time favourite writer, Milan Kundera. And now, I am super distracted and have this urge to go into my garage to pull out my entire collection of Milan Kundera books packed in boxes.

And before too long, I will have a carton of some fifteen books arriving from Kinokuniya Sydney that I need to get through. And I have barely started my coffee table pile!

Seriously, I need a bigger house where I could have a floor to ceiling bookshelf and a library. It is bloody inconvenient having to keep all my books in boxes and crates.

And I just remember I have a stack of fashion design books too that are still wrapped in plastic.

What a hoarder of books I am!;(

“Love is by definition an unmerited gift; being loved without meriting it is the very proof of real love. If a woman tells me: I love you because you're intelligent, because you're decent, because you buy me gifts, because you don't chase women, because you do the dishes, then I'm disappointed; such love seems a rather self-interested business. How much finer it is to hear: I'm crazy about you even though you're neither intelligent nor decent, even though you're a liar, an egotist, a bastard.”
- Milan Kundera, Slowness

                                                                ****
For the most part, I could almost always come up with a reason why I love somebody.

I used to love singing to DL the old jazz tune in my playful manner, "I love you for sentimental reason..."

In his quiet way, he would say "I love you for no reason..."

It made me think. With that and his actions, I allowed myself to stay on for a good many years. Some twelve years, not withstanding my misgivings which we both suffered in silence as we held on tightly to our different awareness of love.

                                                                ****
Then for my one year of singlehood beginning late 2007 to 2008.

I thought I found a kindred spirit. A me in male form. Someone who shared a similar playful, polygamous essence that has given rise to an inclination for love affairs. Someone who was too trying to re-capture that part of lost youth, an empty lost soul on a quest for puer aeternus.

He was a liar, egotist, bastard and  a polygamist. I loved him. I was crazy about him. His memory continued to haunt me for a few good years like bad grease that sticks.

I thought accepting those flaws was Love enough.

I continued to be me. Polygamous. Since we held the thieves' honour.

Except he did stop his polygamous ways on his own accord while I was in town.

His words contradicted his actions and I was supposed to follow suit?

And so I lost my love.

I was so self-centred, he must have said a hundred times over.

I couldn't indulge him with a lie.

My brutal honesty (which I thought was my expression of my love) was that knife that stabbed right into his heart which I took time to dragged it in and out many times over, he said.

You didn't give a rat's ass about me...

                                                        **

What is it about falling in love that people say?

You know you are in love when your body and heart stop wanting to be intimate with multiple people?

Whilst I am not an active seeker of romantic or intimate adventures for at least a good five years now, life is still one big social experiment or journey to embark on and I ride with the spontanieity as it comes.

I truly felt my love for him- he imprinted something special in my heart. We did have a special connection.

But knowing the odds are against me and the reality of our dynamics and differences would kill that magical moments we shared if I got too lost and drunken in love, I continued to conduct myself in the way of me.

Does that mean I love me more?

Much as I love living alone in my own house and having all the time and space to myself in Sad Town, I sometimes do wish I get a visit or two from close friends or people that I would like to know better back home in Singapore.

I have a lovely courtyard with a nice outdoor heater and UV protected umbrella  over my outdoor dining table that I would love to entertain my friends at over a nice home cooked meal and some nice wine. I haven't spent much time out there since Rusty's decreased mobility and ability to play in the courtyard and of course, since her passing on, I almost feel that there wasn't much of a reason to sit out in the sun to enjoy the joy of watching my sweetpea chew on her bone.

There is also a massive above ground pool that sits at least fifteen people in my courtyard. I have only used it once in the summer of 2011 with DL.  I always envisioned having friends over in summer where we could sit in the pool and enjoy lovely cocktails on a floating tray. The hedges surrounding the fences of my courtyard has grown considerably since I moved in more than two years ago and for the most part, has worked well as a screen to provide privacy and obfuscate the view of passers-by who often walk past with their dogs for a slow hike up the hills into the natural reserve. I've always fancied skinny dipping in my own pool and wonder if I could get away from getting caught...;)

So when I invited you to come visit my little haven and  my world, I mean it.

I would love to get to know you better and allow a sneak peek into my private world. I don't know how it would go. Despite my love for hosting parties and get togethers at my house, I do have my own quirks and don't often fancy the idea of hosting people overnight at my tiny space. You see, truth is I love my own company for the most part and have a fear of people cramming my style. But I am sincere when I invited you to come visit Sad Town and to stay as my guest for a lovely week of relaxation and to visit this most architecturally planned city in the world. There are a lot of lovely open green spaces which I would envision you would like and we could do the art galleries, national libraries, our world class war memorial musuem or simply taking a nice walk up the hills. I notice too that you have quite a bit of a sweet tooth and you love your coffee. I do know where to get you the best tarts in town and we do have some pretty good cafes around in Sad Town:)

I don't know what I want out of it except I would love to know you a bit better as a person and as a friend for starters. I am beginning to love my life in Sad Town and I know you love your life back home so I have no expectations for anything serious or romantic to eventuate. As a pragmatist and as it stands, I cannot see how that could happen anyway. But I do know I have been thinking of you for awhile now and I am somewhat fond of you.

So yes, if you read this and you know who you are, I would like you to follow your motto of going everywhere and pencil in Sad Town, a place which you would otherwise have no reason to set foot on. There are plenty to do in Sad Town and you are only limited by your own imagination. You could definitely cook heaps if you choose to with an abundance of fresh produce out here. But I do invite you to lose yourself in that now-and -here moment with me if you ever make it to Sad Town. Please be my guest:)

I don't believe in happy ever after endings but I do believe in forming meaningful relationships with people and memories that will be etched in the annals of our lives, marking that joint moment we share for us to reminisce privately (and perhaps separately) when our life journey diverge and take us onward to different paths...

Life is too short and I am one who never want to live in regret. I have never been one to fall in love or like at first sight/ encounter. But since you made bold with your advances with me that one early Saturday morning in 2012 and made me notice you, now I would really love to know you better and pick your brain. If you haven't notice, I am attracted to an intellectual brain and a creative soul.

So yes, now that I have made myself clear (and assuming you are not already in a serious relationship which this invitation may lead to unnecessary complications or jeporadise your personal happiness which I have no wish to be personally responsible for), I hope to hear from you and your thoughts soon:)

“If you are a dreamer come in
If you are a dreamer a wisher a liar
A hoper a pray-er a magic-bean-buyer
If your'e a pretender come sit by my fire
For we have some flax golden tales to spin
Come in!
Come in!”
- Shel Silverstein

I was due to check in at the airport around midnight. From memory, it was a Wednesday night. That was August last year.

My heart was heavy. I was due to fly back to Sad Town, back to the mundanity of my life. I always felt like that with every visit back home to Singapore. I was on an emotional high, what with the fanfare and hospitality I get from old friends and family and usually all that socialising with the smart set. Then returning back to Sad Town to a stagnant relationship with DL and an environment of staleness, negativity and mundanity worsened by our differences in our business, I feel a deceleration of emotions and find myself trying to psych myself mentally for the challenges and reality surrounding my joint life with DL in Sad Town. Then of course, there was the guilt that I allowed myself to be seduced and kissed another guy, Gem. I have been so good for a long while, resoluted to stay on track and not to fuck things up for DL and me (I like to think that the Man and our one-off regretful affair in March 2012 didn't count since he was an old fling and I was mad with myself for allowing that to happen since I had stuck to my course of monogamy for a good 3 years at that stage.).

 The night before I flew out of Singapore, Shania, Photo, Gem and I hung out, sort of like a farewell for me. I was looking forward to meeting Gem but since we were in a group, there was no one-to-one time. And of course, his buddy, Photo who is my friend knew nothing (though he suspected but got nothing out of us), we behaved normal as if nothing has happened. But it was awkward.  Photo and I were due to fly off to Sydney together. I had extended my stay in Singapore for various reasons-but  in a way, I was hoping to get to know Gem a little bit better (I don't think I have ever admitted to anyone until now since I hate to think I am capable of bending backwards for a stranger over nothing!). Gem had said he wasn't coming to the airport the next day to see us off so I have resigned to that sorry fate.

That night, I took my own sweet time to get to the airport feeling somewhat melancholic and pensive (since for the first time in three years, I had made peace and was finally letting the Old Boy go  in my heart). At 11.30pm, I was still on the phone with V. I was supposed to check in at 12 midnight. Shania and Photo were already at the airport and Shania texted me to let me know that the check-in queue was rather empty.

Then another text from Shania came. Hurry up. Gem is here.Come now.

My entire being lit up. Really? I felt my heart racing. I put down the phone with V and hurried my parents to get me to the airport as soon as possible.

When I was approaching the airport terminal, fate must have it that there was a traffic jam to get into the drop off area. And by the time I ran for the check in queue, I was once again one of many stuck in an extremely long queue. Shania texted me to say that they were at the Starbucks and from afar, I saw them. It felt so near and yet so far. I kept looking at my watch and felt my impatience rising. Damnit, I cursed under my breath. Great, just when I thought I could have a bit of get together time before I boarded the plane. I was stuck in that bloody queue for a good thirty minutes. I saw someone I knew from the smart set in the queue. He looked at me like he knew me (since we haven't seen each other for a few years now). I pretended not to know him so that I didn't have to make small talk and could get the hell out of that queue once I checked in and got my boarding pass and raced to Starbucks where my "beloved" Gem and friends were .

So I finally got to Starbucks after what felt like a million years to get my boarding pass and for my heavy bags to go onto the conveyor belt. We looked at each other somewhat awkwardly (as if I should expect any other emotions!)  for a moment and then he was dragged by Photo to go out for a smoke. Noooooo.... Damnit Photo! Why oh why do you have to do that? Time was running short and we were due to board the gate anytime soon. My heart sank further. How much further could it sink? To my vagina maybe? B, my other best friend would used to make that dirty joke.

Not long after the boys came back from the smoking, it was time to go. We walked to the check in area. Gem walked next to me. We were silent. It seemed like there wasn't much to say though I felt an undercurrent brewing (you know, one of those that you would never get anything out from and would forever remain as a mystery in your life that you may look back one day and re-visit in your memory ever so often when your mind is restless and wonder about it and the what ifs...). At this stage, I braced myself to enter the check in area and back to my life Down Under, a long march of life with DL I didn't know if I could ever see light at the end of the tunnel. I noticed to that Someone Up There was seriously playing a cruel joke on me. It seemed like there was some construction going on and the transparent glass windows to partition the check in gates were blocked by wooden makeshift walls. So I could NOT even do a double-take and turn and wave and watch him (and vice versa) when I walk into the check in area, as dramatically as it sounds but yes, Miss P is dramatic! You must be bloody kidding me....I didn't know whether to cry or laugh at my sad, sad fate;( But then such is the life and misadventures of Miss P. So just suck it up, P. Someone Up There is telling you that you have been a naughty, naughty girl, P and showing you all the signs of WHY you need to stick to the course...

I re-composed myself and gave Shania (who throughout my mental and emotional turmoil was oblivious as she was stuck into her whatapping, having her own messy emotional problems to deal with on the other line) a big, big farewell hug. Then as gracious and charming as Miss P could be, I opened my arms to welcome a hug (as Photo was walking in and his back facing us) from Gem. We hugged briefly and I mumbled, "I will miss you..."

I wonder if he heard me...

I must say I am quite contented with how my life is going at the moment.

It is nice and quiet when I come back to an empty home after a hard day's work but I relish the solace.

There were glimmer of moments I catch myself rushing home, only to be reminded there was no need to feel that sense of urgency because Rusty is gone. I have no dog to come home to care for or feed. I had to let that split second of pain (being reminded of her frail, final days) pass and move on from that thought.

For once, I am living the life of me. No boyfriend or dog or baby to worry about. Just the focus of me and developing my own potential in my career and my spiritual life.

My new job have been great so far. I am right in the swing of things. Just a week into the job and I have already brought three deals into the business. I am the rising star of the office once more. The head honcho likes my tenacity (and ability to get into the swing of work like a pro when I had only undergone a crash course on my client account in four short days which would be expected for one to get her head around in two weeks) and my colleagues love me (People have a way of finding me funny when I have no intention to be, I realise. Therein is the reason why it is so funny, they say. And maybe because I swear way too much- a little unexpected from a sweet faced Asian girl;) I made the entire office stop and drop their work to find me something I couldn't find on the database when I was under the pump and when I found it a a minute later and declared "Crisis averted everyone!", everyone thought it was so hilarious. The gay head honcho said jokingly,Ok everyone you can resume your work now because P has averted the crisis!). I have super nice colleagues too. Barely a week into my job, I have already been offered a ride home by three different colleagues, the third being the head honcho today because I was staying too late in the office. And it was only 6.30pm.

So yes, life is dealing me a change in fortune. I am apparently the dark horse of the office, so my colleagues say. If I keep going and building my business pipeline now, in three months' time when I am eligible for bonuses, I might start making some real money and be back on track financially. Not to mention once I get traction in my side job of marketing property development in Vanuatu. It will make an awesome story to tell about the rise and fall and rise of Miss P.

For once, I do feel a sense of belonging within a workplace setting. It is hard to explain because I always got on well with my colleagues and form a good relationship with people. Here I feel I am in my element where I get to be me. Perhaps it has something to do with coming back into a more senior role and getting a better handle of the concept of work. You see, despite clocking in long hours in the past, I never took work seriously and only saw it as a means of making money. Yes, I am still very much a financially motivated individual but I am beginning to see purpose in it too. The head honcho has mentioned several times this week that out of all the staff, I have traits that most resembles him. We are both commercially minded who hates administrative duties and I am just as demanding as him when I need answers quickly to solve a problem. But I reckon having a hands on head honcho whom I can go to for advice and help plus a team of supportive colleagues is the winning formula to an enjoyable work environment despite the steep learning curve of organising my desk and knowing the ins and outs of my client accounts which are predominantly government department which we hold laborious business terms and conditions with.

And yes on the home front, I am gaining some normality. For the first time last week in the longest while, I didn't really have to penny pinch when shopping for groceries and went crazy scooping up $700 worth of fashion bargains which would have normallycost me close to $1500, which comprised of a suit, a silk blouse,a drapey jacket, a body con shift dress and leather ponti pants. I felt like I was winning once more and for once, I could afford to pay attention to myself and be that once-upon-a-time- always-stylish-Miss P again!

But yes, my past few years of feeling broke and frugality have instilled some form of prudence in me. I could have kept going and would have love to also indulge in a few Alannah Hill (my favourite Australian designer whom once upon a time, DL would be my Devil's advocate and instead of  stopping me from further spending in that store, he would buy me nearly half the shop over) frocks but I have grown circumspect over the years and focus on chic functionality over pretty, handmade aesthetics (which is intuitively more my fashion style). So now, with limited resources, I just got to learn to prioritise. Being on my own means that I seriously need to think about my retirement strategies and being able to invest my money wisely will now be more of a priority. As I also enjoy learning and taking up on courses that interest me, investing in my education is also another top priority for my personal development.

Life could not have been better at the moment and for once, it is really all about me. And I am really enjoying this new lease of life. I do feel at one with myself. I plan to stay in this contented place for awhile...

So yes, I survived my first day at work. Back into the good old industry I was once in...

Never thought I would don a suit ever again (and thankfully, I found an unworn old Country Road size 6 suit with the price tag still on that I could thankfully fit into and which saw me through my interview since I have binned most of my branded suits long ago and were too broke to purchase another suit)...

Everything has happened so quickly. It was only two weeks ago that my sweetpea, Rusty passed away (more about my little girl when I could bring myself to write her a tribute) and I was wondering how to pay for my surmounting bills with my meagre salary in retail. Rusty gave me no time to grieve. The next day, I chucked a sickie, choosing to stay home to mourn for my loss, only to be called up to work on marketing a few property developments in a South Pacific island country and also be called in for an interview with a big global recruitment company. I had only sent in my CV that morning. I think Rusty has been watching over me and wanted me to see Hope since I spent most of my non-working time focusing my efforts on caring for her. She had been a source of comfort to me and a distraction to my financial woes. And then I had to let her go to end her suffering...

So fast forward exactly two weeks ahead, I have landed myself in my new job and met the property developer in Sydney over the weekend with lots of interesting ideas to target the Asian market and not to mention, hasty goodbyes to colleagues and my regular customers in my shop ( "I will miss you. At least you remember people and their names.." said one of my elderly wealthy customers).

I started my new job today and it was overwhelming with one induction after another. The head honcho sat me down first thing in the morning and given the restructuring of the entire business in Sad Town, he shared with me his plans and where I fitted in this grand scheme of things. So I was the first CV out of the 25 he picked up and then I did really well during my cognitive testing and had scored the highest score in problem solving in the entire office and the only person I didn't beat was him. I was supposed to rank pretty high up there, he said. And he referenced check me to death and he got really good feedback from my referees (thank them for that!!!!). So his plan was to let me develop my skill sets within the company for the next year and when the business is ripe to take it to the next level as he had discussed with me, he would see me in the role of a team leader. I also just learnt that my new position title is "Senior Recruitment Consultant".

What can I say? I am surprised to say the least. He seemed to have so much high hopes in me. I better bloody live up to it. I cannot be luckier.

Similarly, upon meeting the property developer on Sunday, he also had some really big plans for me- but step by step, he would guide me there. I felt so honoured, given he is a veteran in his field and having been appointed a Trade Commissioner in a few of these emerging nations plus being so generous in his information sharing, I have found myself a really great mentor to learn about the ins and outs of property development and resort management. Hopefully, I would do my Dad proud. Finally my social tenacity may come into good use.

Serrendipituously, three days after Rusty's passing and after speaking to this property developer and after agreeing that our targeted clientele of wealthy investors looking for yet another tax haven, an old primary school friend whom I hadn't heard in a decade contacted me on Linkedin. I must have tried reaching out to her more than a year ago but heard nothing. Being the ultra smart person as she was since she young, she had started her career in investment banking before moving on to the buy-side to manage a family office for ultra high networth individuals in Europe which included royalty. Since then, she has come back to Singapore to run her own family office investment advisory firm for the ultra high networth families in the region.

Funny, how things come together. She has always been at the back of my mind. We used to be good friends in primary school and kept in touch sporadically even up till university where she went to Wharton School of Business. We used to be the two girls who came from wealthier homes in our class and I remembered many a party we had thrown in our own homes and where we had attended respectively at each other's house.

So yeah, I find that things are coming together. I used to do things and work my social network hard, not knowing why. Except I reckon it will come in handy some day or when I grow up. Maybe, perhaps this is that moment?:)

I am feeling good at the moment. Just need to focus so that my hard work will pay off and bear fruit. Lots going on in my head but more later...

You, yes you
are the one
I am waiting
to hear back...

No, not you
who took too
long to re-appear
three kids later

why do you
care to see
me again?

Our time have
stood still in
our picture perfect
teenage love framed
on the shelf
above my old
young bed where
we kissed and
cuddled and loved
recklessly
thinking our hearts
could never grow
too old...