Friday, February 20, 2009
Stirred
I got awakened by DL's toilet flush in the wee hours of the morning and I couldn't sleep afterward. Lying in bed, my thoughts wander...
I felt the slow anxiety rising and my heart tightening slightly once again. I am aware of this feeling and that familiarity of it, that past in my personal history I would rather not have to go through again. Mindful of the potentially debilitating domino effect of how this depressive monstor could get me, I tried to switch my thoughts and went into a restless slumber.
I am reminded that I am not completely healed. My nerves are still a series of balancing acts. My heart has a mind of its own and a capacity to love indiscriminately...
Coincidentally, a couple of weeks ago, I chanced upon a book on name fortune-telling. It said this about my name- "Blind devotion to others will get you nowhere. Loyalty needs to be earned by others.”
Perhaps, it is my destiny to be a lovefool.
I should change my name.
I got awakened by DL's toilet flush in the wee hours of the morning and I couldn't sleep afterward. Lying in bed, my thoughts wander...
I felt the slow anxiety rising and my heart tightening slightly once again. I am aware of this feeling and that familiarity of it, that past in my personal history I would rather not have to go through again. Mindful of the potentially debilitating domino effect of how this depressive monstor could get me, I tried to switch my thoughts and went into a restless slumber.
I am reminded that I am not completely healed. My nerves are still a series of balancing acts. My heart has a mind of its own and a capacity to love indiscriminately...
Coincidentally, a couple of weeks ago, I chanced upon a book on name fortune-telling. It said this about my name- "Blind devotion to others will get you nowhere. Loyalty needs to be earned by others.”
Perhaps, it is my destiny to be a lovefool.
I should change my name.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Song of the Day
My pick for the day :) Maybe I should play it on my wedding day one fine day.
JUST THE WAY YOU ARE (Billy Joel)
Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are
Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care
I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.
I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take 'till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.
I said I love you, and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.
My pick for the day :) Maybe I should play it on my wedding day one fine day.
JUST THE WAY YOU ARE (Billy Joel)
Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are
Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care
I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.
I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take 'till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.
I said I love you, and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Old Wounds
Everything in life seems to have a litmus test to serve as an indicator on where one is up to or doing in one's life.
My nostalgic self likes to go through old correspondences and blog entries every so often.
I know I am not completely healed if reading an old entry or letter would so much encourage the mistying up of my eyes and the hard squeezing of my chest.
If my wounds have been completely healed, the words fly past me with little effect like I have forgotten not too long ago in my personal history, they have inflicted me with torment, pain and insomnia. So completely healed, there is not a trace of scar. If I ever recall such an old memory, I will find myself feeling embarrassed.
Everything in life seems to have a litmus test to serve as an indicator on where one is up to or doing in one's life.
My nostalgic self likes to go through old correspondences and blog entries every so often.
I know I am not completely healed if reading an old entry or letter would so much encourage the mistying up of my eyes and the hard squeezing of my chest.
If my wounds have been completely healed, the words fly past me with little effect like I have forgotten not too long ago in my personal history, they have inflicted me with torment, pain and insomnia. So completely healed, there is not a trace of scar. If I ever recall such an old memory, I will find myself feeling embarrassed.
Thirty
I have always had a healthy sense of self-confidence so my age meant little to me. Well, at least my being self conscious about it.
I hit 30 next month. The big three O. A new stage in my life.
No, there isn't any status anxiety on my end about me not getting married. Even Daisy's insistence that I should religiously apply eye cream and sun block as my daily beauty regime (given that we can only get younger and wrinkler from here) has also fallen onto deaf ears.
I find myself regressing. No career and me waitressing with a bunch of teens and early twenty somethings who seem to act like my age. I don't realise that they are quite a fair bit younger than me. Even my skin is getting zits, like I am going through another stage of puberty in my life. When I was a teenager, my complexion was fair and flawless. Ah, like the curious case of Benjamin Button.
Somewhere at the back of my mind, I cannot help but get slightly discomforted with the imminent arrival of my new decade of existence- hmm, am getting too old for the Old Boy.
I have always had a healthy sense of self-confidence so my age meant little to me. Well, at least my being self conscious about it.
I hit 30 next month. The big three O. A new stage in my life.
No, there isn't any status anxiety on my end about me not getting married. Even Daisy's insistence that I should religiously apply eye cream and sun block as my daily beauty regime (given that we can only get younger and wrinkler from here) has also fallen onto deaf ears.
I find myself regressing. No career and me waitressing with a bunch of teens and early twenty somethings who seem to act like my age. I don't realise that they are quite a fair bit younger than me. Even my skin is getting zits, like I am going through another stage of puberty in my life. When I was a teenager, my complexion was fair and flawless. Ah, like the curious case of Benjamin Button.
Somewhere at the back of my mind, I cannot help but get slightly discomforted with the imminent arrival of my new decade of existence- hmm, am getting too old for the Old Boy.
