Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Barrier
Sometimes I think I can be over it.
I wake up in the morning, still assaulted by the same thoughts. The same person.
But I think the feeling might be slipping away. That feeling that once filled my heart with too much pain.
I suspect I am holding on to just the mere memories. That ghost of our past.
My mind trapped in something that no longer exists.
It feels like a case of Mr. London and me once more.
Hopefully, it will not take me eight years to get over it. To come to terms with it.
One year and almost six months on, I find myself letting it slide away slowly, but now more steadily.
Still I need to get over those thoughts or I find myself becoming both voyeuristic and celibate.
I don't like that in me.
Neither does DL.
Now I am becoming forgetful.
Sometimes I think I can be over it.
I wake up in the morning, still assaulted by the same thoughts. The same person.
But I think the feeling might be slipping away. That feeling that once filled my heart with too much pain.
I suspect I am holding on to just the mere memories. That ghost of our past.
My mind trapped in something that no longer exists.
It feels like a case of Mr. London and me once more.
Hopefully, it will not take me eight years to get over it. To come to terms with it.
One year and almost six months on, I find myself letting it slide away slowly, but now more steadily.
Still I need to get over those thoughts or I find myself becoming both voyeuristic and celibate.
I don't like that in me.
Neither does DL.
Now I am becoming forgetful.
New Era equals new changes No?
RE: Hello
From: Big M
Sent: Friday, 24 April 2009 9:06:07 AM
To: DilettanteP
Hey there! Life seems like it is its usual rollercoaster for you... you seem happy though?! Moved in to our new place (the one you helped me christen the roof of) which is tops. And have a little baby girl on the way. Should be first week of May if all goes to plan. So a bit of a rollercoaster myself actually!
When you coming up to Singapore then? Any chance of getting you alone for a spell?
RE: Hello
From: Big M
Sent: Friday, 24 April 2009 9:06:07 AM
To: DilettanteP
Hey there! Life seems like it is its usual rollercoaster for you... you seem happy though?! Moved in to our new place (the one you helped me christen the roof of) which is tops. And have a little baby girl on the way. Should be first week of May if all goes to plan. So a bit of a rollercoaster myself actually!
When you coming up to Singapore then? Any chance of getting you alone for a spell?
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Fateless
As some of you would remember, about a week or so ago, I mentioned about The Man and his sudden re-appearance into my cosy life and proposing a meet up.
It must be a case of no fate between the both of us. No, we didn't meet up.
*****
We had agreed on last Sunday being the day we would meet in Sydney whilst I happen to be there for the weekend to watch the ballet.
On Saturday night where the concert took place, I have left my phone on silent mode and forgot to turn it back to normal mode. By the time I had a look at my mobile phone at 2a.m Sunday morning, I saw a text message that inquired politely if it was still “convenient” to meet up Sunday. To which, I replied yes. But again, I forgot to turn back the normal mode and went to bed without setting the alarm clock.
By the time I woke up at 10.15am a few text messages and voice messages over, I realised I had missed the meeting. The Man had rang early in the morning and proposed to come pick me up at 10am and he was awaiting my reply.
I rang him out of courtesy but he didn't pick up. Just as well, I thought. I was feeling lethargic and had really wanted to have lunch with the older sibling and have a lazy afternoon before DL and Fluffball arrive late afternoon.
Finally, the Man rang and again, his tone was polite and he said how we kept missing each other's call. Turns out he has to meet colleagues now at 12.30pm but how about meeting up later in the evening. I was quick to cut him out and said, no it wouldn't do as I needed to spend time with “my family”. He asked when I was in Sydney until and I told him, the next day. Again, I gave him no chance at re-scheduling and told him I was here also for business (which was true). He mentioned about being here until the following Thursday and I wished him all the best and told him looked like we were going to miss seeing each other. Let's catch up when he relocated permanently in the next couple of months.
“ So you are now living in Sad Town now?” The Man asked curiously.
“Yes,”
“So are you still in recruitment?”
I was never in recruitment. I have once explained to him the difference in my old profession and recruitment. I suddenly had this inkling, which was also my initial instinct that he was hoping to “touch base” (as what corporate type professionals do) for me to look out for a suitable position at his level. As if I hadn't done enough, when I even pointed him to the right direction for a potential role for his wife who was emigrating to Australia for him(whom he married three weeks after fucking me)! Distasteful, I felt.
“No. Haven't been since last May.”
Then I gave him a quick synopsis about my taking time off to Nepal and then the restaurant.
“So what do you do now?”
“I am mostly a housewife now.” I laughed.
The Man said something along the lines of oh. I presumed he got the idea that I was probably married or have settled down.
Then I wrapped up the conversation and wish him all the best.
Whatever ideas which he had, be it using me for a professional agenda or sexual (since he was here for business), I gave him no chance at getting to me. Really, I didn't want to haul my ass and leave my house for him. I don't need to and most importantly, I don't want to.
I never have any lost love for this man. V will remind me that he looked grumpy about taking me home post the sex (after promising) and I remembered his parting line after he kissed me.
“Thanks. It was fun.”
Fun? I felt used and the word inappropriate.
B has to inject wasn't he the guy who had taken Viagra. I was never sure in the dark. Ah well, never mind.
What I know is, I have set the right tone this time and I ain't gonna hear from him again in my life.
Fuck him very much.
As some of you would remember, about a week or so ago, I mentioned about The Man and his sudden re-appearance into my cosy life and proposing a meet up.
It must be a case of no fate between the both of us. No, we didn't meet up.
*****
We had agreed on last Sunday being the day we would meet in Sydney whilst I happen to be there for the weekend to watch the ballet.
On Saturday night where the concert took place, I have left my phone on silent mode and forgot to turn it back to normal mode. By the time I had a look at my mobile phone at 2a.m Sunday morning, I saw a text message that inquired politely if it was still “convenient” to meet up Sunday. To which, I replied yes. But again, I forgot to turn back the normal mode and went to bed without setting the alarm clock.
By the time I woke up at 10.15am a few text messages and voice messages over, I realised I had missed the meeting. The Man had rang early in the morning and proposed to come pick me up at 10am and he was awaiting my reply.
I rang him out of courtesy but he didn't pick up. Just as well, I thought. I was feeling lethargic and had really wanted to have lunch with the older sibling and have a lazy afternoon before DL and Fluffball arrive late afternoon.
Finally, the Man rang and again, his tone was polite and he said how we kept missing each other's call. Turns out he has to meet colleagues now at 12.30pm but how about meeting up later in the evening. I was quick to cut him out and said, no it wouldn't do as I needed to spend time with “my family”. He asked when I was in Sydney until and I told him, the next day. Again, I gave him no chance at re-scheduling and told him I was here also for business (which was true). He mentioned about being here until the following Thursday and I wished him all the best and told him looked like we were going to miss seeing each other. Let's catch up when he relocated permanently in the next couple of months.
“ So you are now living in Sad Town now?” The Man asked curiously.
“Yes,”
“So are you still in recruitment?”
I was never in recruitment. I have once explained to him the difference in my old profession and recruitment. I suddenly had this inkling, which was also my initial instinct that he was hoping to “touch base” (as what corporate type professionals do) for me to look out for a suitable position at his level. As if I hadn't done enough, when I even pointed him to the right direction for a potential role for his wife who was emigrating to Australia for him(whom he married three weeks after fucking me)! Distasteful, I felt.
“No. Haven't been since last May.”
Then I gave him a quick synopsis about my taking time off to Nepal and then the restaurant.
“So what do you do now?”
“I am mostly a housewife now.” I laughed.
The Man said something along the lines of oh. I presumed he got the idea that I was probably married or have settled down.
Then I wrapped up the conversation and wish him all the best.
Whatever ideas which he had, be it using me for a professional agenda or sexual (since he was here for business), I gave him no chance at getting to me. Really, I didn't want to haul my ass and leave my house for him. I don't need to and most importantly, I don't want to.
I never have any lost love for this man. V will remind me that he looked grumpy about taking me home post the sex (after promising) and I remembered his parting line after he kissed me.
“Thanks. It was fun.”
Fun? I felt used and the word inappropriate.
B has to inject wasn't he the guy who had taken Viagra. I was never sure in the dark. Ah well, never mind.
What I know is, I have set the right tone this time and I ain't gonna hear from him again in my life.
Fuck him very much.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Mortality
Since turning 30, I have become slightly more aware of my mortality.
But when someone asks about my age, I tell them as it is.
I come to realise a lot of people tend to lie about their age. Male and female included.
Maybe people don't like the idea of growing old, especially if they are also growing lonelier with time. The idea that it's time to wrap up all the fun associated with youth because it's time to grow up.
It reminds me of an incident that happened a couple of months ago. Something that was meant to be endearing gone wrong:
Old Boy says:
we can talk again next week
P says:
yeah when I see u ard
Old Boy says:
yup
Old Boy says:
you were the one that ignore me the past couple of weeks...so pls don't blame me k?
P says:
dun u ever qn why?
Old Boy:
of course i know why...
Old Boy says:
but who cares right?
P says:
so if u dun care, why shd I care and bother with u?
Old Boy says:
hmm
Old Boy says:
well, you did start it...
P says:
I didnt
P says:
I said it endearingly but u like to turn things ugly...
P says:
if u dun care abt upsetting me, then I won't bother with u
Old Boy says:
at least you know what you said...and you know how sensitive about that
Old Boy says:
i am about that subject..
Old Boy says:
and yet you used it against me
Old Boy says:
so of course i would hit back and you're so super sensitive about that too...
Old Boy says:
which is wierd becos its not like you don't know i'm doing others
P says:
I don't know u are super sensitive abt ur age!
P says:
and I don't need u to tell me u are doing others
P says:
I dun need to know!
Old Boy says:
hahahahah
Old Boy says:
i am super sensitive about my age especally the way that you said it.
Old Boy says:
and you KNOW i hate it.
Old Boy says:
all the time you bring up that i'm so old...wat the fug
Old Boy says:
you keep telling me that your friends are with old men etc...and i really do hate being referred to as an old man.
Old Boy says:
and you can't see it that i am really not happy about being called old. i mean .... why MUSTT you call me old???? why? is it such a big deal? aren't i still human?
Old Boy says:
no, you have to make me out to be an old human being...and i don't know why? is it becos you think i should be so grateful that i am with you and you're so young????
Old Boy says:
anyway, you thnk about it carefully.
Old Boy says:
you are always making fun about how old i am...
P says:
I DID'NT KNOW u areSCARED of being old ok!
Old Boy says:
and i have never liked it
Old Boy says:
i am not fugging scared of being old...gez...you just don't get it do you?
notlim says:
its just like...if you're fat and comfortable with it...doesn't mean that i have to call you fat all the time and remind you abuot it all the time and make names about fat pple just for you right?
Old Boy says:
so i'm comfortable with my age...and there is nothing wrong with being 40+ but why do you have to keep saying it?
Old Boy says:
like you need me to feel insecure about it...so that is why i blurted out that i could still get young chicks...all the time...and that is what hurt you.
Old Boy says:
of course i would have to whack back right? and defend my being old...like being old is MY FAULT...which is not.
P says:
I never want u to feel insecure abt ur age ok!
P says:
I dun know why u saw it that way!
Old Boy says:
so pls...go think about wat i have said and what you said and why u said what you did....was it to hurt me? was it really fugging endearing?
Old Boy says:
was it something like saying it to a sugar daddy? is that what you think?
P says:
what?
Old Boy says:
anyway, now i am upset tat you can't see it...
Old Boy says:
bye i gotta go
Since turning 30, I have become slightly more aware of my mortality.
But when someone asks about my age, I tell them as it is.
I come to realise a lot of people tend to lie about their age. Male and female included.
Maybe people don't like the idea of growing old, especially if they are also growing lonelier with time. The idea that it's time to wrap up all the fun associated with youth because it's time to grow up.
It reminds me of an incident that happened a couple of months ago. Something that was meant to be endearing gone wrong:
Old Boy says:
we can talk again next week
P says:
yeah when I see u ard
Old Boy says:
yup
Old Boy says:
you were the one that ignore me the past couple of weeks...so pls don't blame me k?
P says:
dun u ever qn why?
Old Boy:
of course i know why...
Old Boy says:
but who cares right?
P says:
so if u dun care, why shd I care and bother with u?
Old Boy says:
hmm
Old Boy says:
well, you did start it...
P says:
I didnt
P says:
I said it endearingly but u like to turn things ugly...
P says:
if u dun care abt upsetting me, then I won't bother with u
Old Boy says:
at least you know what you said...and you know how sensitive about that
Old Boy says:
i am about that subject..
Old Boy says:
and yet you used it against me
Old Boy says:
so of course i would hit back and you're so super sensitive about that too...
Old Boy says:
which is wierd becos its not like you don't know i'm doing others
P says:
I don't know u are super sensitive abt ur age!
P says:
and I don't need u to tell me u are doing others
P says:
I dun need to know!
Old Boy says:
hahahahah
Old Boy says:
i am super sensitive about my age especally the way that you said it.
Old Boy says:
and you KNOW i hate it.
Old Boy says:
all the time you bring up that i'm so old...wat the fug
Old Boy says:
you keep telling me that your friends are with old men etc...and i really do hate being referred to as an old man.
Old Boy says:
and you can't see it that i am really not happy about being called old. i mean .... why MUSTT you call me old???? why? is it such a big deal? aren't i still human?
Old Boy says:
no, you have to make me out to be an old human being...and i don't know why? is it becos you think i should be so grateful that i am with you and you're so young????
Old Boy says:
anyway, you thnk about it carefully.
Old Boy says:
you are always making fun about how old i am...
P says:
I DID'NT KNOW u areSCARED of being old ok!
Old Boy says:
and i have never liked it
Old Boy says:
i am not fugging scared of being old...gez...you just don't get it do you?
notlim says:
its just like...if you're fat and comfortable with it...doesn't mean that i have to call you fat all the time and remind you abuot it all the time and make names about fat pple just for you right?
Old Boy says:
so i'm comfortable with my age...and there is nothing wrong with being 40+ but why do you have to keep saying it?
Old Boy says:
like you need me to feel insecure about it...so that is why i blurted out that i could still get young chicks...all the time...and that is what hurt you.
Old Boy says:
of course i would have to whack back right? and defend my being old...like being old is MY FAULT...which is not.
P says:
I never want u to feel insecure abt ur age ok!
P says:
I dun know why u saw it that way!
Old Boy says:
so pls...go think about wat i have said and what you said and why u said what you did....was it to hurt me? was it really fugging endearing?
Old Boy says:
was it something like saying it to a sugar daddy? is that what you think?
P says:
what?
Old Boy says:
anyway, now i am upset tat you can't see it...
Old Boy says:
bye i gotta go
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Erotic Blogs
The past few days, my speedy Gonzalez mind is making my fingers work at optimum speed on the keyboard. I am led from one web link to another and voila, a deluge of hitherto unexplored erotic blogs unfolded before me.
I have much reading material to indulge in and to keep me occupied for the next few days. Naturally, I am happy as a lark (although, am not sure about DL cos he chanced upon it and looked at me questioningly and uncertainly, with a slightly hurt expression before he left for work post lunch. You must remember that in the real world, I partake only sporadically in sex.)....
*****
Reading these erotic blogs gives me an adrenalin rush. For two things. One, it makes me miss my old days (mainly in fantasy). Two, I get titillated with good, coherent writing style of erotica.
I am not sure though if I had to re-live my past, I could do it again. I mean, in real action. For a number of reasons because of how I fucked up big time in the past and in my present, I feel a desire to do good.
Nonetheless, I feel really excited for the person who is living the life that he or she is writing it. I can live vicariously through them.
Significantly, I also noticed that a lot of this blog sites can almost be declared as defunct since many haven't been updated for the longest time. Perhaps, like me they have moved on in their life experiences, currently living a different life or rather, a different lifestyle.
Ah well, such is life I guess. The party has to end someday, somehow I reckon.
Relegated to a voyeur I am now. I am sure I am not alone. It's not that bad, really.
The past few days, my speedy Gonzalez mind is making my fingers work at optimum speed on the keyboard. I am led from one web link to another and voila, a deluge of hitherto unexplored erotic blogs unfolded before me.
I have much reading material to indulge in and to keep me occupied for the next few days. Naturally, I am happy as a lark (although, am not sure about DL cos he chanced upon it and looked at me questioningly and uncertainly, with a slightly hurt expression before he left for work post lunch. You must remember that in the real world, I partake only sporadically in sex.)....
*****
Reading these erotic blogs gives me an adrenalin rush. For two things. One, it makes me miss my old days (mainly in fantasy). Two, I get titillated with good, coherent writing style of erotica.
I am not sure though if I had to re-live my past, I could do it again. I mean, in real action. For a number of reasons because of how I fucked up big time in the past and in my present, I feel a desire to do good.
Nonetheless, I feel really excited for the person who is living the life that he or she is writing it. I can live vicariously through them.
Significantly, I also noticed that a lot of this blog sites can almost be declared as defunct since many haven't been updated for the longest time. Perhaps, like me they have moved on in their life experiences, currently living a different life or rather, a different lifestyle.
Ah well, such is life I guess. The party has to end someday, somehow I reckon.
Relegated to a voyeur I am now. I am sure I am not alone. It's not that bad, really.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Long time no Hear
Was feeling bored like 3 minutes ago whilst awaiting Della to come back online to chat. She is going through some shits at the moment and I have asked her to quit her job and come stay with me Down Under as long as she likes. She is supposed to buy me a ticket to fly home and keep her company but I reckon she probably need to get out of Singapore fast. Della and I went way back. People used to come up to us and asked if we were twins. She was my best friend then. I haven't seen her in 5 years.
Ok, I digress.
So I whipped out my phone meaning to text Nano regarding the no-show of my birthday present and I saw a message. Figured it was B having a bitch about her cousin or about her current elation of freeing herself from the shackles of the corporate world.
But no, it was someone totally out of the blue.
" Hi P, how are you going? It's The Man here. Are you still around in oz? Am travelling to Sydney for couple of weeks, it would be good to catch up. Lemme know. Cheers"
A person I have almost forgotten. He was so 2006.
Now just when I am feeling bored, Someone Up There sends me a surprise.
It happens too that I will be going down to Sydney for the weekend. To watch the ballet.
Am I getting my mojo back?
Was feeling bored like 3 minutes ago whilst awaiting Della to come back online to chat. She is going through some shits at the moment and I have asked her to quit her job and come stay with me Down Under as long as she likes. She is supposed to buy me a ticket to fly home and keep her company but I reckon she probably need to get out of Singapore fast. Della and I went way back. People used to come up to us and asked if we were twins. She was my best friend then. I haven't seen her in 5 years.
Ok, I digress.
So I whipped out my phone meaning to text Nano regarding the no-show of my birthday present and I saw a message. Figured it was B having a bitch about her cousin or about her current elation of freeing herself from the shackles of the corporate world.
But no, it was someone totally out of the blue.
" Hi P, how are you going? It's The Man here. Are you still around in oz? Am travelling to Sydney for couple of weeks, it would be good to catch up. Lemme know. Cheers"
A person I have almost forgotten. He was so 2006.
Now just when I am feeling bored, Someone Up There sends me a surprise.
It happens too that I will be going down to Sydney for the weekend. To watch the ballet.
Am I getting my mojo back?
Hypomania
"People with hypomania are generally perceived as being energetic, euphoric, visionary, overflowing with new ideas, and sometimes over-confident and very charismatic. Unlike full-blown mania, they are sufficiently capable of coherent thought and action to participate in everyday activities. A person in the state of hypomania might be immune to fear and doubt and have little social inhibition. People experiencing hypomania are the typical "life of the party". They may talk to strangers easily, offer solutions to problems, and find pleasure in small activities.
People in hypomanic episodes do not have delusions or hallucinations. They do not lose touch with reality in the sense that they know who they are and what is real. What can be a problem, however, is that they tend to overestimate their capabilities and fail to see the obvious risks involved in their ventures. For example, if they are in business, they may suddenly decide to expand in a way that is not really practical or set up schemes for which they are ill prepared.
Other forms of less inhibited behavior include reckless driving, gambling, spending sprees and sexual adventures. They may also have lots of new ideas but do not follow them through. They are often very jolly to be with but can quickly become very impatient or unpleasant if they cannot get what they want.
However, many hypomanic patients experience:
* lower need for sleep
* racing thoughts
* obsessive behavior, whether mild or severe
* poor judgment relative to a particular situation's judgment call
* uncontrollable, or only partially controllable, impulsivity
* excessive sexual activity
Plus other out-of-character behaviors that the person may regret following the conclusion of the mood episode."
*****
Today, I learnt a few things about mental disorders.
I am wondering why my psychologist told me naught.
"People with hypomania are generally perceived as being energetic, euphoric, visionary, overflowing with new ideas, and sometimes over-confident and very charismatic. Unlike full-blown mania, they are sufficiently capable of coherent thought and action to participate in everyday activities. A person in the state of hypomania might be immune to fear and doubt and have little social inhibition. People experiencing hypomania are the typical "life of the party". They may talk to strangers easily, offer solutions to problems, and find pleasure in small activities.
People in hypomanic episodes do not have delusions or hallucinations. They do not lose touch with reality in the sense that they know who they are and what is real. What can be a problem, however, is that they tend to overestimate their capabilities and fail to see the obvious risks involved in their ventures. For example, if they are in business, they may suddenly decide to expand in a way that is not really practical or set up schemes for which they are ill prepared.
Other forms of less inhibited behavior include reckless driving, gambling, spending sprees and sexual adventures. They may also have lots of new ideas but do not follow them through. They are often very jolly to be with but can quickly become very impatient or unpleasant if they cannot get what they want.
However, many hypomanic patients experience:
* lower need for sleep
* racing thoughts
* obsessive behavior, whether mild or severe
* poor judgment relative to a particular situation's judgment call
* uncontrollable, or only partially controllable, impulsivity
* excessive sexual activity
Plus other out-of-character behaviors that the person may regret following the conclusion of the mood episode."
*****
Today, I learnt a few things about mental disorders.
I am wondering why my psychologist told me naught.
Dysthymia
All I do these days is sit at one corner of my safe apartment, next to my dog and read as many books as I can, between trying to play housewife (I still have a ton of chores left in neglect).
The things I learnt about the phenomenon of my behaviour through the books I read...
****
“ 'If you read over your blog, I think you'll begin to see a pattern in your behaviour: You've been drunk pretty much the whole time you've been here.'
She was absolutely right.
'So is that what my problem is?' I asked. 'I'm just an alcoholic?'
'Your problem is that you're depressed,' Dr. Klein said. 'And you probably have been ever since you were a child.'
'Really? But why?'
'From what you've told me about your parents, it's probably hereditary.'
'So I was born depressed? That's so ... depressing.'
'What you have is dysthymia. It's a type of depression that's very common among people like writers and comedians. People who have this disorder are constantly doing things to entertain themselves and others as a means to cope with their depression.'”
- The Washingtonienne, Jessica Cutler
All I do these days is sit at one corner of my safe apartment, next to my dog and read as many books as I can, between trying to play housewife (I still have a ton of chores left in neglect).
The things I learnt about the phenomenon of my behaviour through the books I read...
****
“ 'If you read over your blog, I think you'll begin to see a pattern in your behaviour: You've been drunk pretty much the whole time you've been here.'
She was absolutely right.
'So is that what my problem is?' I asked. 'I'm just an alcoholic?'
'Your problem is that you're depressed,' Dr. Klein said. 'And you probably have been ever since you were a child.'
'Really? But why?'
'From what you've told me about your parents, it's probably hereditary.'
'So I was born depressed? That's so ... depressing.'
'What you have is dysthymia. It's a type of depression that's very common among people like writers and comedians. People who have this disorder are constantly doing things to entertain themselves and others as a means to cope with their depression.'”
- The Washingtonienne, Jessica Cutler
Rolling “Good” Times
I wake up in the morning and the fantasy images start rolling before me.
I kept telling myself to be up in five more minutes but every so often it can progress more to two hours.
But for awhile, I have been good. No more than fifteen minutes and “cut” I go.
Men seem to naturally get a hard on in the morning.
I just turn my thoughts to lewd fantasies, only to feel scarcely anything and then shitty that I have wasted precious time in bed.
A day full of chores and do things await me.
But first, I better get my ass moving and walk the dog.
I wake up in the morning and the fantasy images start rolling before me.
I kept telling myself to be up in five more minutes but every so often it can progress more to two hours.
But for awhile, I have been good. No more than fifteen minutes and “cut” I go.
Men seem to naturally get a hard on in the morning.
I just turn my thoughts to lewd fantasies, only to feel scarcely anything and then shitty that I have wasted precious time in bed.
A day full of chores and do things await me.
But first, I better get my ass moving and walk the dog.
Mental Turmoil
"...'You know there's basically only two kinds of mental illness. Neurosis is a flaw in one's feeling and seeing, something which comes between the individual and the world. Dieppe is the second kind- psychotic. The psychotic has nothing to buffer her raw experience. She experiences the world as pure chaos. This kind of illness can't be treated. Be careful of her. She's very dangerous. Very dangerous and very clever.'
I had thought it was just drink that accounted for those sudden changes in her personality. But now I remembered her face on those nights when I would find her sitting on the chaise lounger, her mind elsewhere, staring, sweating, suffering. Her expression was hurt, and when she looked up at me it was as though I was personally responsible for some injury to her in the past."
- Nightpictures, Rod Jones
"...'You know there's basically only two kinds of mental illness. Neurosis is a flaw in one's feeling and seeing, something which comes between the individual and the world. Dieppe is the second kind- psychotic. The psychotic has nothing to buffer her raw experience. She experiences the world as pure chaos. This kind of illness can't be treated. Be careful of her. She's very dangerous. Very dangerous and very clever.'
I had thought it was just drink that accounted for those sudden changes in her personality. But now I remembered her face on those nights when I would find her sitting on the chaise lounger, her mind elsewhere, staring, sweating, suffering. Her expression was hurt, and when she looked up at me it was as though I was personally responsible for some injury to her in the past."
- Nightpictures, Rod Jones
Post 2008
" I have come to think of the way of God as the way of forgetting. The more closely we meditate on our lost moments, the further they flee from our grasp. They come back to us only obliquely, in glimpses, moments snatched from the dreaming, undeserved moments of Grace. Once we are able to let ourselves forget, then we are on our way to being free from the cry which we are scarcely able to choke back with every breath. Free to forgive ourselves for those immense crimes which we are always on the point of remembering. The meaning of our dead childhoods eludes us. We have overheard only the last part of the sentence. The same few images hang in the air, a cipher, tantalising.
I too have found my freedom in celibacy, in my disenchantment with the way of the lover. As Dieppe herself said, after it happened: 'I am just not interested in having certain experiences any more.' "
-Nightpictures, Rod Jones
" I have come to think of the way of God as the way of forgetting. The more closely we meditate on our lost moments, the further they flee from our grasp. They come back to us only obliquely, in glimpses, moments snatched from the dreaming, undeserved moments of Grace. Once we are able to let ourselves forget, then we are on our way to being free from the cry which we are scarcely able to choke back with every breath. Free to forgive ourselves for those immense crimes which we are always on the point of remembering. The meaning of our dead childhoods eludes us. We have overheard only the last part of the sentence. The same few images hang in the air, a cipher, tantalising.
I too have found my freedom in celibacy, in my disenchantment with the way of the lover. As Dieppe herself said, after it happened: 'I am just not interested in having certain experiences any more.' "
-Nightpictures, Rod Jones
Monday, April 13, 2009
Tingles
I still get the tingles whenever I look at his picture. I feel the little goosebumps raising on my skin, the erogenous zones around my boobies aroused. Especially so on a grey and cold autumn afternoon like now.
It is exactly six months since I left Singapore and back to Sad Town.
So I haven't seen him in awhile.
I wonder if I will still feel the same when I see him.
I imagine I will have the same urge to study his face, stroke his cheek, touch his lips. His gentle, melodious voice impulses me to press my lips against his and kiss the life out of him.
I recall during our short lived time together, I loved cosying up to him. There was something soothing about his company. Ironically, I felt safe.
I still get the tingles whenever I look at his picture. I feel the little goosebumps raising on my skin, the erogenous zones around my boobies aroused. Especially so on a grey and cold autumn afternoon like now.
It is exactly six months since I left Singapore and back to Sad Town.
So I haven't seen him in awhile.
I wonder if I will still feel the same when I see him.
I imagine I will have the same urge to study his face, stroke his cheek, touch his lips. His gentle, melodious voice impulses me to press my lips against his and kiss the life out of him.
I recall during our short lived time together, I loved cosying up to him. There was something soothing about his company. Ironically, I felt safe.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
D.P.
Once upon a time, there I was in his car. My lover was seated on his driver seat. I was on top of him, riding and rubbing myself against him, us kissing the lives out of each other.
He undid his belt buckle, pulled his pants down, underpants included. He is a careful man and he extracted a condom out of the storage compartment between the driver and passenger seat. He teared open the packet with his teeth and with an initial slight fumbling, he fitted the pont cap onto his throbbing manhood.
Then, he pulled up my dress and stripped me of my panties.
In both our semi-tipsy, glassy eyed states, he penetrated me. My feminine passage secreting sweet juices. He dexterously wipe his finger against my thigh where my cum was flowing and then deftly smeared the wetness around the rim of my ass. Then he inserted a finger quite smoothly into my tight asshole.
A first for me. Doubly penetrated. (Albeit with a finger).
There was no pain (as I have always imagined and have experienced going to the doctor's where I have been fingered up my ass for examination of piles and other horrible ailments). He was a smooth operator.
I liked the sensation of having both holes filled up.
“Ah, I didn't know you like ass too...” I said after our fuck.
“It's always a guy's fantasy, isn't it?” he mumbled sheepishly.
In my mind, I said yes and my thoughts was transported to somewhere else, being reminded of someone. My mind began working on a fantasy to be performed with that someone I love and lust.
Once upon a time, there I was in his car. My lover was seated on his driver seat. I was on top of him, riding and rubbing myself against him, us kissing the lives out of each other.
He undid his belt buckle, pulled his pants down, underpants included. He is a careful man and he extracted a condom out of the storage compartment between the driver and passenger seat. He teared open the packet with his teeth and with an initial slight fumbling, he fitted the pont cap onto his throbbing manhood.
Then, he pulled up my dress and stripped me of my panties.
In both our semi-tipsy, glassy eyed states, he penetrated me. My feminine passage secreting sweet juices. He dexterously wipe his finger against my thigh where my cum was flowing and then deftly smeared the wetness around the rim of my ass. Then he inserted a finger quite smoothly into my tight asshole.
A first for me. Doubly penetrated. (Albeit with a finger).
There was no pain (as I have always imagined and have experienced going to the doctor's where I have been fingered up my ass for examination of piles and other horrible ailments). He was a smooth operator.
I liked the sensation of having both holes filled up.
“Ah, I didn't know you like ass too...” I said after our fuck.
“It's always a guy's fantasy, isn't it?” he mumbled sheepishly.
In my mind, I said yes and my thoughts was transported to somewhere else, being reminded of someone. My mind began working on a fantasy to be performed with that someone I love and lust.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Inconstance
Such is the mind of a dilettante into l'erotisme...
******
"'Alors, you're a writer. You know what people are like. What all of us are like.'
'I'm a writer who hasn't written any books. I'm a writer who has to teach at the Oxford School.'
'I told you. I don't believe in fidelity. Not that kind of fidelity, anyway.' She opens the sad flower of her mouth, the slight imperfection of her upper lip. 'I detest jealousy,' she says. 'I have lots of men.'"
- Nightpictures, Rod Jones
Such is the mind of a dilettante into l'erotisme...
******
"'Alors, you're a writer. You know what people are like. What all of us are like.'
'I'm a writer who hasn't written any books. I'm a writer who has to teach at the Oxford School.'
'I told you. I don't believe in fidelity. Not that kind of fidelity, anyway.' She opens the sad flower of her mouth, the slight imperfection of her upper lip. 'I detest jealousy,' she says. 'I have lots of men.'"
- Nightpictures, Rod Jones
Regression
I feel twitchy and restless today.
Can't wait to hop onto a plane and get back home to Singapore. ASAP.
I miss my friends. I miss partying. I miss drinking at the whisky bar. I miss the old boy. I even miss my house and the bed that I grew up sleeping on.
I miss partying till the sun comes up. I miss having my entourage to rock hard with me. I miss sleeping little and living excessively.
One big part of me missed last year. January, that is. I had the best of many worlds.
I dare say I even missed the koran- for the essence of that companionship he gave me. He made me feel like I was 18 once more. He was sporting and partied hard with me until my eyes could barely open from fatigue. Even his style of affections brought me back to the sweet era of my teens.
I want to feel young again.
I need action.
Am getting restless again. I see my mind pacing to and fro once again.
I got to get on the plane soon. Real, real soon.
I feel twitchy and restless today.
Can't wait to hop onto a plane and get back home to Singapore. ASAP.
I miss my friends. I miss partying. I miss drinking at the whisky bar. I miss the old boy. I even miss my house and the bed that I grew up sleeping on.
I miss partying till the sun comes up. I miss having my entourage to rock hard with me. I miss sleeping little and living excessively.
One big part of me missed last year. January, that is. I had the best of many worlds.
I dare say I even missed the koran- for the essence of that companionship he gave me. He made me feel like I was 18 once more. He was sporting and partied hard with me until my eyes could barely open from fatigue. Even his style of affections brought me back to the sweet era of my teens.
I want to feel young again.
I need action.
Am getting restless again. I see my mind pacing to and fro once again.
I got to get on the plane soon. Real, real soon.
Monday, April 06, 2009
Shaded Musings
I feel like another road trip again. Or maybe I could fly off to somewhere.
I do think I could do this for a long time- constantly travelling onwards, leading a jetsetters' life. Or is it an escapist's life?
My chance upon a book on Paris or a cookbook on Cuban cuisine would immediately transport me to a time in my life, a recent-ish past that felt like it was decades ago. Nights of after work drinking at the Latin quarter in Paris, strolls at St Germaine de pres, free flow mojitos at Cabaret bars, lazy cocktail afternoons at El Floridita and romantic walks with J along the Malecon...
Distant memories that seem me and yet not me.
I am now an insulated housewife tugged in the warm comforts of our little apartment in Sad Town, leading a peaceful life.
*****
The other day, I was helping to distribute sales catalogues with my elderly neighbour. I chanced upon the house of an Indian clairvoyant I went to more than half a decade ago. It was before I have been to Cuba. I must be finishing university.
I recalled the first thing he look at my palm, he exclaimed that I have a “friend” in my life who really loved me. Much later, he seemed to hint of my potential at infidelity and mentioned that he “wasn't sure” if I loved my friend just as much. He was also the first to tell me in my life that I was “emotionally disturbed” and that it will get better after I turned 29.
Age 32 is the year I could go into business and do well but if I wait till 36, I would be rich. He mentioned too that I will earn my income from various streams of business and that I will do well in property investement. Nothing has seemed to come true yet. I am not even that age. But being emotionally disturbed? I think I still am but the tidal waves of angst have certainly died down. Now I can only feel its reverberations still unstabling my healing journey. It will probably take a while before I feel whole and fully at peace.
I don't know if I have ever felt truly at peace in my life. I re-visited the memories of the different eras of my life; from childhood to my adulthood. I was always that pensive, shy little girl with a slight frown in my mind's eye, always slightly afraid, self doubting and melancholic. I was a silent critic too, with the imperfections of the world.
******
So with idleness and flexibility of time accompanied by the richness of my imagination , I spent my leisurely afternoons escaping to a faraway land with vibrant music, colours and all things tropic once more.
At nights, I continue to be haunted and unsettled by the nightpictures of my recent past. The Old Boy and me. And really, just me and my obstinate love for him. Lost cause, as they say but still, I continue to fall asleep with these memories...
I feel like another road trip again. Or maybe I could fly off to somewhere.
I do think I could do this for a long time- constantly travelling onwards, leading a jetsetters' life. Or is it an escapist's life?
My chance upon a book on Paris or a cookbook on Cuban cuisine would immediately transport me to a time in my life, a recent-ish past that felt like it was decades ago. Nights of after work drinking at the Latin quarter in Paris, strolls at St Germaine de pres, free flow mojitos at Cabaret bars, lazy cocktail afternoons at El Floridita and romantic walks with J along the Malecon...
Distant memories that seem me and yet not me.
I am now an insulated housewife tugged in the warm comforts of our little apartment in Sad Town, leading a peaceful life.
*****
The other day, I was helping to distribute sales catalogues with my elderly neighbour. I chanced upon the house of an Indian clairvoyant I went to more than half a decade ago. It was before I have been to Cuba. I must be finishing university.
I recalled the first thing he look at my palm, he exclaimed that I have a “friend” in my life who really loved me. Much later, he seemed to hint of my potential at infidelity and mentioned that he “wasn't sure” if I loved my friend just as much. He was also the first to tell me in my life that I was “emotionally disturbed” and that it will get better after I turned 29.
Age 32 is the year I could go into business and do well but if I wait till 36, I would be rich. He mentioned too that I will earn my income from various streams of business and that I will do well in property investement. Nothing has seemed to come true yet. I am not even that age. But being emotionally disturbed? I think I still am but the tidal waves of angst have certainly died down. Now I can only feel its reverberations still unstabling my healing journey. It will probably take a while before I feel whole and fully at peace.
I don't know if I have ever felt truly at peace in my life. I re-visited the memories of the different eras of my life; from childhood to my adulthood. I was always that pensive, shy little girl with a slight frown in my mind's eye, always slightly afraid, self doubting and melancholic. I was a silent critic too, with the imperfections of the world.
******
So with idleness and flexibility of time accompanied by the richness of my imagination , I spent my leisurely afternoons escaping to a faraway land with vibrant music, colours and all things tropic once more.
At nights, I continue to be haunted and unsettled by the nightpictures of my recent past. The Old Boy and me. And really, just me and my obstinate love for him. Lost cause, as they say but still, I continue to fall asleep with these memories...
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Pendulum
Sometimes I can feel I am getting happier and gradually experiencing the inner peace. But it's still a long and ongoing process, often a conscious battle.
Daisy says I have a good life- no hurry to get back to work, a lady of leisure. I wined and dined out a lot when I am bored or spend time at the massage parlour whenever I feel my well being is interrupted. My life is pretty much covered. The other night, she held out my palm and said my lines have decreased over the course of the years. Not so many zig zags, criss crosses; before, it was a maze.
True. I haven't got much anxiety these days. Somehow, I lack the fear to lead a minimalistic life. Nothing too fanciful- food, books and massage.
But still, I am pensive. That same shadow that makes my heart heavy and sad still lurking at the back of my mind. I can't make it go away.
Maybe one part of me don't want to.
Those thoughts tug at my heart. That split second experienced always unbearable. I feel the impending hot mistying up of tears. I bite my lips, swallow my saliva and say to myself, “Don't!.”
Sometimes I can feel I am getting happier and gradually experiencing the inner peace. But it's still a long and ongoing process, often a conscious battle.
Daisy says I have a good life- no hurry to get back to work, a lady of leisure. I wined and dined out a lot when I am bored or spend time at the massage parlour whenever I feel my well being is interrupted. My life is pretty much covered. The other night, she held out my palm and said my lines have decreased over the course of the years. Not so many zig zags, criss crosses; before, it was a maze.
True. I haven't got much anxiety these days. Somehow, I lack the fear to lead a minimalistic life. Nothing too fanciful- food, books and massage.
But still, I am pensive. That same shadow that makes my heart heavy and sad still lurking at the back of my mind. I can't make it go away.
Maybe one part of me don't want to.
Those thoughts tug at my heart. That split second experienced always unbearable. I feel the impending hot mistying up of tears. I bite my lips, swallow my saliva and say to myself, “Don't!.”
