Monday, April 06, 2009
Shaded Musings
I feel like another road trip again. Or maybe I could fly off to somewhere.
I do think I could do this for a long time- constantly travelling onwards, leading a jetsetters' life. Or is it an escapist's life?
My chance upon a book on Paris or a cookbook on Cuban cuisine would immediately transport me to a time in my life, a recent-ish past that felt like it was decades ago. Nights of after work drinking at the Latin quarter in Paris, strolls at St Germaine de pres, free flow mojitos at Cabaret bars, lazy cocktail afternoons at El Floridita and romantic walks with J along the Malecon...
Distant memories that seem me and yet not me.
I am now an insulated housewife tugged in the warm comforts of our little apartment in Sad Town, leading a peaceful life.
*****
The other day, I was helping to distribute sales catalogues with my elderly neighbour. I chanced upon the house of an Indian clairvoyant I went to more than half a decade ago. It was before I have been to Cuba. I must be finishing university.
I recalled the first thing he look at my palm, he exclaimed that I have a “friend” in my life who really loved me. Much later, he seemed to hint of my potential at infidelity and mentioned that he “wasn't sure” if I loved my friend just as much. He was also the first to tell me in my life that I was “emotionally disturbed” and that it will get better after I turned 29.
Age 32 is the year I could go into business and do well but if I wait till 36, I would be rich. He mentioned too that I will earn my income from various streams of business and that I will do well in property investement. Nothing has seemed to come true yet. I am not even that age. But being emotionally disturbed? I think I still am but the tidal waves of angst have certainly died down. Now I can only feel its reverberations still unstabling my healing journey. It will probably take a while before I feel whole and fully at peace.
I don't know if I have ever felt truly at peace in my life. I re-visited the memories of the different eras of my life; from childhood to my adulthood. I was always that pensive, shy little girl with a slight frown in my mind's eye, always slightly afraid, self doubting and melancholic. I was a silent critic too, with the imperfections of the world.
******
So with idleness and flexibility of time accompanied by the richness of my imagination , I spent my leisurely afternoons escaping to a faraway land with vibrant music, colours and all things tropic once more.
At nights, I continue to be haunted and unsettled by the nightpictures of my recent past. The Old Boy and me. And really, just me and my obstinate love for him. Lost cause, as they say but still, I continue to fall asleep with these memories...
I feel like another road trip again. Or maybe I could fly off to somewhere.
I do think I could do this for a long time- constantly travelling onwards, leading a jetsetters' life. Or is it an escapist's life?
My chance upon a book on Paris or a cookbook on Cuban cuisine would immediately transport me to a time in my life, a recent-ish past that felt like it was decades ago. Nights of after work drinking at the Latin quarter in Paris, strolls at St Germaine de pres, free flow mojitos at Cabaret bars, lazy cocktail afternoons at El Floridita and romantic walks with J along the Malecon...
Distant memories that seem me and yet not me.
I am now an insulated housewife tugged in the warm comforts of our little apartment in Sad Town, leading a peaceful life.
*****
The other day, I was helping to distribute sales catalogues with my elderly neighbour. I chanced upon the house of an Indian clairvoyant I went to more than half a decade ago. It was before I have been to Cuba. I must be finishing university.
I recalled the first thing he look at my palm, he exclaimed that I have a “friend” in my life who really loved me. Much later, he seemed to hint of my potential at infidelity and mentioned that he “wasn't sure” if I loved my friend just as much. He was also the first to tell me in my life that I was “emotionally disturbed” and that it will get better after I turned 29.
Age 32 is the year I could go into business and do well but if I wait till 36, I would be rich. He mentioned too that I will earn my income from various streams of business and that I will do well in property investement. Nothing has seemed to come true yet. I am not even that age. But being emotionally disturbed? I think I still am but the tidal waves of angst have certainly died down. Now I can only feel its reverberations still unstabling my healing journey. It will probably take a while before I feel whole and fully at peace.
I don't know if I have ever felt truly at peace in my life. I re-visited the memories of the different eras of my life; from childhood to my adulthood. I was always that pensive, shy little girl with a slight frown in my mind's eye, always slightly afraid, self doubting and melancholic. I was a silent critic too, with the imperfections of the world.
******
So with idleness and flexibility of time accompanied by the richness of my imagination , I spent my leisurely afternoons escaping to a faraway land with vibrant music, colours and all things tropic once more.
At nights, I continue to be haunted and unsettled by the nightpictures of my recent past. The Old Boy and me. And really, just me and my obstinate love for him. Lost cause, as they say but still, I continue to fall asleep with these memories...
