Saturday, January 31, 2009
Wishful Thinking
Sometimes, I think it is so easy to postulate on the what ifs and the endless possibilities that could have happened than to follow through an action and allow things to have a real chance at happening...
*****
It was one of those bored days where we chatted online senselessly.
I was in a semi-depressed state, what with my boredom, having left the business with Tina hastily and angrily. From a workaholic, I swung to the role of a bored, desperate housewife. The highlight of each day was to decide what to cook for DL's lunch after my morning walk with the dog. Then I would try to read, chat online with friends or give an equally leisurely Daisy a call to see if we could go out to play- meaning karaoke, eat or Thai massage.
“ P, I am glad that you have finally found the love of your life,” Nano said.
“Thanks Nano. I think I can be happy now.”
“It's an honour for any man to bear children with you.”
“Hehehe, I don't know. I don't like children very much, you know.”
“P, I know I have screwed up. I wonder if we had persisted through, perhaps I could have made you pregnant and we would have children now...”
“Huh? That's crazy, Nano! Would you have married me though?”
“Yes, why not? But if you weren't pregnant, would you have married me, P?”
“Yes, possibly. But I needed time to know you first cos I wouldn't want to marry you on a rebound, just shortly after my break up with my long term relaionship with DL. It wouldn't have been fair for you or even me... and I didn't want people to think I married you so hastily cos I wanted to be a Mrs. O. I gave you the opportunity for us to get to know each other better. That's why I wanted to go to Manila initially. But obviously, you didn't seem too excited...”
“I am sorry P. You are always so sweet. I didn't know what to say to my parents, about me going away to a resort with a girl and then you thinking that I just wanted to take you away just for a fuck...”
“Well, you see, that's the other problem Nano. You are always tied to your old wealth patriarchal unit, always needed to respect your family tradition and listen to your Dad. I have always been a free spirit and came from that middle class background where the world is our oyster and we can go out there and fight for our dreams. I figured maybe our relationship would be affected even if we had one cos we came from very different backgrounds and upbringing...”
“I am sorry P. I would have gone out for you and fought hard if I was living overseas, away from my parents...”
“See? You were not that in love with me to want us to be together badly enough. Anyways, it's water under the bridge now. At least we are still friends now.”
“If you break off with DL this time, I will not waste any more time...”
“Oh, touch wood Nano! Now keep me company online, will you? I am so bored and depressed without anything to do.”
“Alright P (calls my Chinese name as an endearment). My ass is so whipped by a gal with a boyfriend!;)”
******
So many could haves, would haves. If Nano wasn't lacklustre in his behaviour in late 2007, my story in 2008 would have been changed. There would be no painful and depressing stories of the Old Boy that marked the last year of my twenty-something life.
And yes, maybe I would be on my way to plan a grand society wedding now. The big kind with the fireworks , the jazz bands and free flowing champagne like how I always wished for my dream wedding to be. I have always been pompous and flamboyant that way. And I will request for him to NOT adhere to family tradition and that will be, no church wedding please. Anyways, he stopped going to church about ten years ago because he said it was useless to pray. Nano recently said he could consider converting to Buddhism.
**
Mercenary society climbers have always been termed “gold diggers.” Ironically, I could well be named one if I was after the family wealth of Nano. Just the other day, I realised that the two mines his family own are indeed gold mines.
**
So these days, Nano is reduced to being a good online male buddy whose lack of physical contact and second chance with me made him shift his concern to my intimacy welfare with DL. He spent many an occasion to interject our conversation with ideas to enliven my dwindling sex life with DL, like it was his personal responsibility to make sure that one part of me is well taken care for.
A couple of weeks ago, I suggested the library of his family's charity foundation as another food for thought hot play spot for him and his new date if he had any at the moment.
“Sounds like a great idea, P!”
“I wanted to save this for us the last time. Since there isn't a chance now, I thought I should share it with you! Heheheheh,” I said cheekily.
“Oh P, you and your guilt trip again!”
“:P”
******
Whatever grandiose ideas we have harboured for each other historically or now, they will pretty much remain as mere fantasies of what could have happened.
Wishful thinking – that is what humans do best, isn't it?:)
Better to have a dream than to have one destroyed by acting on its reality.
Sometimes, I think it is so easy to postulate on the what ifs and the endless possibilities that could have happened than to follow through an action and allow things to have a real chance at happening...
*****
It was one of those bored days where we chatted online senselessly.
I was in a semi-depressed state, what with my boredom, having left the business with Tina hastily and angrily. From a workaholic, I swung to the role of a bored, desperate housewife. The highlight of each day was to decide what to cook for DL's lunch after my morning walk with the dog. Then I would try to read, chat online with friends or give an equally leisurely Daisy a call to see if we could go out to play- meaning karaoke, eat or Thai massage.
“ P, I am glad that you have finally found the love of your life,” Nano said.
“Thanks Nano. I think I can be happy now.”
“It's an honour for any man to bear children with you.”
“Hehehe, I don't know. I don't like children very much, you know.”
“P, I know I have screwed up. I wonder if we had persisted through, perhaps I could have made you pregnant and we would have children now...”
“Huh? That's crazy, Nano! Would you have married me though?”
“Yes, why not? But if you weren't pregnant, would you have married me, P?”
“Yes, possibly. But I needed time to know you first cos I wouldn't want to marry you on a rebound, just shortly after my break up with my long term relaionship with DL. It wouldn't have been fair for you or even me... and I didn't want people to think I married you so hastily cos I wanted to be a Mrs. O. I gave you the opportunity for us to get to know each other better. That's why I wanted to go to Manila initially. But obviously, you didn't seem too excited...”
“I am sorry P. You are always so sweet. I didn't know what to say to my parents, about me going away to a resort with a girl and then you thinking that I just wanted to take you away just for a fuck...”
“Well, you see, that's the other problem Nano. You are always tied to your old wealth patriarchal unit, always needed to respect your family tradition and listen to your Dad. I have always been a free spirit and came from that middle class background where the world is our oyster and we can go out there and fight for our dreams. I figured maybe our relationship would be affected even if we had one cos we came from very different backgrounds and upbringing...”
“I am sorry P. I would have gone out for you and fought hard if I was living overseas, away from my parents...”
“See? You were not that in love with me to want us to be together badly enough. Anyways, it's water under the bridge now. At least we are still friends now.”
“If you break off with DL this time, I will not waste any more time...”
“Oh, touch wood Nano! Now keep me company online, will you? I am so bored and depressed without anything to do.”
“Alright P (calls my Chinese name as an endearment). My ass is so whipped by a gal with a boyfriend!;)”
******
So many could haves, would haves. If Nano wasn't lacklustre in his behaviour in late 2007, my story in 2008 would have been changed. There would be no painful and depressing stories of the Old Boy that marked the last year of my twenty-something life.
And yes, maybe I would be on my way to plan a grand society wedding now. The big kind with the fireworks , the jazz bands and free flowing champagne like how I always wished for my dream wedding to be. I have always been pompous and flamboyant that way. And I will request for him to NOT adhere to family tradition and that will be, no church wedding please. Anyways, he stopped going to church about ten years ago because he said it was useless to pray. Nano recently said he could consider converting to Buddhism.
**
Mercenary society climbers have always been termed “gold diggers.” Ironically, I could well be named one if I was after the family wealth of Nano. Just the other day, I realised that the two mines his family own are indeed gold mines.
**
So these days, Nano is reduced to being a good online male buddy whose lack of physical contact and second chance with me made him shift his concern to my intimacy welfare with DL. He spent many an occasion to interject our conversation with ideas to enliven my dwindling sex life with DL, like it was his personal responsibility to make sure that one part of me is well taken care for.
A couple of weeks ago, I suggested the library of his family's charity foundation as another food for thought hot play spot for him and his new date if he had any at the moment.
“Sounds like a great idea, P!”
“I wanted to save this for us the last time. Since there isn't a chance now, I thought I should share it with you! Heheheheh,” I said cheekily.
“Oh P, you and your guilt trip again!”
“:P”
******
Whatever grandiose ideas we have harboured for each other historically or now, they will pretty much remain as mere fantasies of what could have happened.
Wishful thinking – that is what humans do best, isn't it?:)
Better to have a dream than to have one destroyed by acting on its reality.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
A Tribute to 2008
2008 came and left in a blink. I remember boarding many planes to many places;experiencing many cock-ups, detours and delays; and then missing some. My bumpy plane rides have thematically summed up my journey of that year.
2008 was a busy year. The year opened with a play of arpeggios, what with aplenty social activities, lots of sex, intimacies, booze and break ups. By May, I stopped working as my frail nerves got the better of me. I was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. The ghost of my break up with DL would creep up every so often to tug at my heart where I was made to face myself squarely about how screwed up I always felt about my behaviour. Somewhere deep in the depths of my mind, I experienced regret despite how convicted I am (even to this day) that my confession to the truth of my secret life to him was a good decision.
Then there was the Old Boy. Ah the Old Boy- something of an obsession which I love and hate. He is like a case of my sinusitis that never quite goes away in my life- I don't even know quite how to breathe properly through my nose anymore. Yes, the Old Boy is just like sinusitis- a bad case that I suffer from, that is. I constantly lived in regret and love for him. Maybe he could have really loved me. My mind replayed January 2008 and March 2008 over one too many a time and I lay in bed wanting him and hearing that sweet melodic voice call me “sweetheart” once more. Many times, I tried weaning off him but I never successfully did and then there was always the other side of the story- the Old Boy was always there. Like a dangling carrot, he places himself strategically in the way of my life. A mocking moon he is- the Old Boy watches over me and isn't too far away. I wondered countlessly to myself what was the reason for his existence in my life and the what ifs. What if I never cheated on him with the Koran? Would we have kept going? We had a lot of fate really- somehow I was home in Singapore quite often in 2008, which made a longer term affair more viable and then there was this strange coincidence of his office moving really close to my house. The stars were so perfectly aligned to convenience us for a rendezvous. We could have had a real relationship. I would have been happy with our arrangements, though god knows how long I could handle the thought of him fucking some young late teens or twenty-somethings on the side when he gets bored with humouring me. The Old Boy is very good at taunting me by not giving himself to me. But he would have demanded all of me.
With my emotional instability, work and the people at work irritated the shit out of me. I was walking on the tightrope whilst I kept my wits about me. My anxiety levels at work was hitting a crescendo and with the Old Boy constantly on MSN giving me grief (and which I foolishly allowed myself to gravitate towards him), I often experienced the tightening of my chest and I felt myself losing it. I was about to hit a lowpoint in my life...
Came June, I was on the mission to heal myself. With work out of the way and my wish to potentially kiss the corporate world a final goodbye (having felt that my boss left me an irreversible bad taste in my mouth towards the end plus the association with this historical lowpoint of my life which has since imprinted a phobia in me), I decided to re-locate home (not the best decision either since subconsciously, I wanted to be closer to the Old Boy).
I went on a pilgrimage because I knew that my heart that was used to wretchedness and my emotions prone to depression needed a combined mental and physical challenge. I had to work myself hard to surmount the insurmountable and perhaps then I could understand or come to a realisation point in my healing journey that there is Hope that I could get better one day. Coping on a day-to-day basis shouldn't be the bare minimum of how I could live, which I have been doing for a good decade at that stage. So I went to meditate at a monastery and later set off to trek up the Everest Base Camp. Imagine me, a weakling!
I remember during my trek up to the Everest Base Camp and we must be passing the village of Tengboche, we passed an area with many tombstones and plague stones to honour the memory of the many brave hearted who attempted to scale the Mount Everest. It was a dreary day. The landscape appeared foreboding with the grey clouds overshadowing us and the winds were strong. I trudged on and felt the Old Boy with me (feeling somewhat comforted and ironic- for he was a big reason for my need to go on this grand trip), his watch strapped around my wrist. A special watch it was to have marked the milestones of our lives- me trekking to Everest Base Camp and years before, him running his first marathon at age 39.
Months before in March 2008, I was in Chicago with a bunch of colleagues and over seafood and wine, we talked about our dreams. Mackie, who is a physically fit and disciplined guy first mentioned about trekking up the Everest Base Camp as one of the things he would want to do before he dies. I was awestruck because the word Everest to me was unattainable. In August/September 2008, there I was trekking up towards the foot of the king of all mountains. I held a smile in my heart. I remember leaving my career with trepidation as I had no back up plans. But the doors do open to other things. On most trekking days, I cursed and sweared for taking on such an arduous journey. I wasn't particularly fit but my stubborn pride in that instance, had turned into a blessing. I wasn't about to abandon my trek halfway as it would be too embarrassing for me, what with my announcement to friends that I was embarking on a grand journey- I had to be the first amongst people I knew who have made it there!
Towards the final legs of my journey, I remember experiencing a bad headache from the high altitude and had vomitted all of what little contents there were of my liquid breakfast. Throughout my trek, I survived mainly on garlic soup as I had lost my appetite from my previous week of illness when I was sightseeing around Nepal. But I belived in the power of meditation and insisted on trekking up to the village of Gorashep. I meditatively trekked up the situated at around 5000m and ironically, my trekking guide noticed that I walked faster than the usual. That afternoon, after I dumped my bags at the guest house and had lunch, we continued our trek. We made it to Everest Base Camp and was one day ahead of schedule.
During my pilgrimage, I had much time to think but at the same time, so little. Every energy spent on this arduous journey required my utmost concentration. I noted the physical strength and resilience of the Sherpas who carried with on their backs at least 70kg worth of goods each walking from villages to villages up the steep of the trek roads. I was also ever so grateful too that my ever attentive trekking guide who wanted me to save a few US dollars each day carried most of my backpack and held my hand (and offered to piggy back me) as I was confronted by my fear of great nature- the gushing waterfalls and rivers where we had to walk sideways on a thin mental pole to get across villages and one slip would have resulted in us being swept away by the waves to the point of no return and the steep edges of the cliffs that we had to trek through one too many occasions. Then on my way down, we were stuck in a village for two more days, my schedule brought back by two days. Life took a new tempo when I was in the mountains. One thing I came to realise was that you couldn't fight the great natures of life. Our time was controlled by weather and being in the mountains with primitive travelling means, many things didn't quite matter. I came to a part realisation that perhaps I was too bogged down with the material things of life. That, I even meant my senseless feelings for the Old Boy, my depression and all. I realised I tend to hold on too strongly on things. Maybe if I were to die there and then, I wonder do I have any real regrets of not having done something I could have done? The mountains has since alter my perspective, maybe combined with the meditation- it did transform my soul. A few weeks after I returned, I got news that all passengers flying on Yeti Airlines to Lukla, typically the starting point to trek the Everest Base Camp have died in a plane crash. I travelled on Yeti Airlines just a few weeks before too, the same route and twice we were forced to fly back to Kathmandu due to poor visbility and then I missed the first plane back to Kathmandu on my way back due to poor visibility and was stuck in that small town for two days. I am still alive. I am lucky.
Life is ever so fragile and moments transcient, I mused.
My age is catching up with the natural cycles of life. I was made a bridesmaid once more in September 2008. I remember two years before, Danielle has made me promise to be back as her bridesmaid when she got married. She wasn't even being proposed then. Then the following summer whilst I was back home in Singapore, I caught sight of a shimmering more than one carat stone on the left of her fourth finger. I questioned her and she smiled.
So there, she got married at the Hyatt Hotel. It was a very meaningful wedding for I knew the groom too many moons ago with Danielle when we were a mere seventeen. I remember the groom asking me for a dance during Orientation and in his flirty, swaggering manner, he too tried his hands at charming me. But Danielle had captured his imagination all these years despite them having many other relationships over. He always went back to her. It felt like a high school reunion as I caught up with his best men- only 12 years ago, we were in our uniforms. They still had to tease me about my green pinafore. I was made a compere that night and so was Knife. Knife was another gangster character in junior college who has now done well for himself in the banking industry. He never stopped trying to be flirty with me even till now (although I heard that he is probably getting married soon). He noted that I was pretty much still my larger than life personality (thank goodness he met up with me post Nepal, with traces of my last decade of life hidden from view). Subsequently, Knife attempted to meet up with me and quite strangely at times, he would ring me during the late of the night...
After the wedding, I rushed off past midnight to meet up with Harry, having only closed in no more than two hours of sleep the previous night from partying and then waking up early to be at the bride's house that morning. I was still partying like an eighteen year old and not slowing down in my merry making. Harry was also attending an old classmate's wedding at the Oriental Hotel (he had to tell me Mr. London was there too). I got Knife to drop me off at the Oriental and Harry and I caught a cab to head for the clubs. I had so much to update him since I just got back from Nepal six days before and he had just been back from his 3-month long sailing trip. Then I also wanted to update him about my latest caught up with the Koran, his high school friend.
We were already headed into the club as we continued to updating information to each other quickly. Then Harry suddenly alerted to me that by the way, the Koran is coming to the club tonight with his girlfriend. Would I mind? I said that was cool because in my head I was pleased with our being candid with each other.
When we finally saw him and his new hot babe girlfriend, I smiled at him. The Koran looked awkward. Subsequently, a day or two later I logged onto my facebook account and realised that he wrote me a not so nice message. So there-it was little wonder. Comically, Harry had said to me to not worry as I looked really hot tonight with my new china doll hairdo and short pink cheong sam- I had the wow factor.
Recently, I learnt that the Koran has got married. I think it must be sometime in November or December. Wow- I thought. We had that last conversation in September and he mentioned about us best not keeping in touch because he didn't want to jepordise his relatively new and blosoming relationship with this new girlfriend. What can I say but wow? People do act fast and trust making life decisions in a matter of months. Maybe he is sure she is the One.
Just one year ago, the Koran wonders if he would ever get married. After all, he is a progressive Muslim with a lifestyle residing on the wild side but having traditional parents and as a filial son, he would have found finding an on par partner of the same religion challenging. But voila, he found her. She is probably the girl who he could happily spend the rest of his life and she be his one and only. Good on him- I am happy for them.
Exactly, just one year ago whilst the Koran and I had an affair, I was with the Old Boy. My feelings in Jan 2008 is still the same one year on. People do move on and you wonder you are still left behind. What happen to emotional progressions and your theory of histories confounding histories, Miss P?
By October 2008, I was mentally ready to start life over again. But before so, I had to write off a few people. I swore Nano out of my life then as I deemed he made a bad friend (we have since resumed our friendship) and then there was Big M. Few times after I have returned to Singapore from Nepal, he had asked me to give him two weeks to sort out his work and family from his busy flying schedule before he could spend time with me.
I didn't have two weeks, I told Big M. Ironically, on my last week at the foot spa with the Old Boy, Big M had texted to proposition a rendezvous at Ballantine that night. I declined. Getting over the Old Boy was more than enough work, I had DL awaiting my return to Australia on the other end. I was getting ready to embrace a whole new life. There were all the social bad debts, like the global financial crisis of 2008 that needed to be written off my life. A clean slate was what I needed.
“Not everyone gets a second chance. So treasure it ” Josie said to me over dinner the last week before I left Singapore. He meant my relationship with DL. I pondered too overmy good fortune and mentally took note of the men I have known in my life, be they close friends or lovers. Infidelity seemed to be the hallmark of their lives. Half, murky lives these people lead. What their other halves don't know.
DL, in contrast, has always been a transparent man. So pure and almost righteous that he questioned the reason of infidelities, especially in married life. I quietly told him I do understand why. He would reply firmly, “It is people who don't understand themselves well from the very beginning and what they want out of life to become prone to such errors in their lives.” For him to have overlook my fallacies and infidelities as he promised, I know he must love me.More so than he loves himself...
So yes, I returned to Sad Town in October 2008. I was in business partnership with Tina. We got the raving food reviews, media coverage and all. Worked my ass off for a good 15 hours everyday-no breaks. I thought I was done with writing off bad debts and on the roll to a great 2009.
On Christmas Eve, I fell out with Tina. Enough was enough. Being taken for granted, I was. You suddenly saw a side of your so called best friend in Australia that you never saw. Whatever contract that was drawn up meant nothing, even the standards she had set for the both of you were not honoured. They took the credit whilst you slogged away. Even your domestic life took a toil. She tried to pick a fight despite your long tolerance but she didn't choose her battles wisely. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I walked out. So she became the last bad debt I wrote off for 2008. Swift and fast, I left. I have not looked back.
2008- I thought I was once again a rising star. But it's a story of riches to rags.
Next week, I start a new job as a Waitress at a fine dining establishment. It was exactly the same restaurant I took my chefs to dine and learn up the concepts not too long ago .
Ground zero, I start from in 2009.
I have lost my 2008 weather worn anxiety. Instead, I am smiling and anticipating an interesting year ahead.
2008 came and left in a blink. I remember boarding many planes to many places;experiencing many cock-ups, detours and delays; and then missing some. My bumpy plane rides have thematically summed up my journey of that year.
2008 was a busy year. The year opened with a play of arpeggios, what with aplenty social activities, lots of sex, intimacies, booze and break ups. By May, I stopped working as my frail nerves got the better of me. I was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. The ghost of my break up with DL would creep up every so often to tug at my heart where I was made to face myself squarely about how screwed up I always felt about my behaviour. Somewhere deep in the depths of my mind, I experienced regret despite how convicted I am (even to this day) that my confession to the truth of my secret life to him was a good decision.
Then there was the Old Boy. Ah the Old Boy- something of an obsession which I love and hate. He is like a case of my sinusitis that never quite goes away in my life- I don't even know quite how to breathe properly through my nose anymore. Yes, the Old Boy is just like sinusitis- a bad case that I suffer from, that is. I constantly lived in regret and love for him. Maybe he could have really loved me. My mind replayed January 2008 and March 2008 over one too many a time and I lay in bed wanting him and hearing that sweet melodic voice call me “sweetheart” once more. Many times, I tried weaning off him but I never successfully did and then there was always the other side of the story- the Old Boy was always there. Like a dangling carrot, he places himself strategically in the way of my life. A mocking moon he is- the Old Boy watches over me and isn't too far away. I wondered countlessly to myself what was the reason for his existence in my life and the what ifs. What if I never cheated on him with the Koran? Would we have kept going? We had a lot of fate really- somehow I was home in Singapore quite often in 2008, which made a longer term affair more viable and then there was this strange coincidence of his office moving really close to my house. The stars were so perfectly aligned to convenience us for a rendezvous. We could have had a real relationship. I would have been happy with our arrangements, though god knows how long I could handle the thought of him fucking some young late teens or twenty-somethings on the side when he gets bored with humouring me. The Old Boy is very good at taunting me by not giving himself to me. But he would have demanded all of me.
With my emotional instability, work and the people at work irritated the shit out of me. I was walking on the tightrope whilst I kept my wits about me. My anxiety levels at work was hitting a crescendo and with the Old Boy constantly on MSN giving me grief (and which I foolishly allowed myself to gravitate towards him), I often experienced the tightening of my chest and I felt myself losing it. I was about to hit a lowpoint in my life...
Came June, I was on the mission to heal myself. With work out of the way and my wish to potentially kiss the corporate world a final goodbye (having felt that my boss left me an irreversible bad taste in my mouth towards the end plus the association with this historical lowpoint of my life which has since imprinted a phobia in me), I decided to re-locate home (not the best decision either since subconsciously, I wanted to be closer to the Old Boy).
I went on a pilgrimage because I knew that my heart that was used to wretchedness and my emotions prone to depression needed a combined mental and physical challenge. I had to work myself hard to surmount the insurmountable and perhaps then I could understand or come to a realisation point in my healing journey that there is Hope that I could get better one day. Coping on a day-to-day basis shouldn't be the bare minimum of how I could live, which I have been doing for a good decade at that stage. So I went to meditate at a monastery and later set off to trek up the Everest Base Camp. Imagine me, a weakling!
I remember during my trek up to the Everest Base Camp and we must be passing the village of Tengboche, we passed an area with many tombstones and plague stones to honour the memory of the many brave hearted who attempted to scale the Mount Everest. It was a dreary day. The landscape appeared foreboding with the grey clouds overshadowing us and the winds were strong. I trudged on and felt the Old Boy with me (feeling somewhat comforted and ironic- for he was a big reason for my need to go on this grand trip), his watch strapped around my wrist. A special watch it was to have marked the milestones of our lives- me trekking to Everest Base Camp and years before, him running his first marathon at age 39.
Months before in March 2008, I was in Chicago with a bunch of colleagues and over seafood and wine, we talked about our dreams. Mackie, who is a physically fit and disciplined guy first mentioned about trekking up the Everest Base Camp as one of the things he would want to do before he dies. I was awestruck because the word Everest to me was unattainable. In August/September 2008, there I was trekking up towards the foot of the king of all mountains. I held a smile in my heart. I remember leaving my career with trepidation as I had no back up plans. But the doors do open to other things. On most trekking days, I cursed and sweared for taking on such an arduous journey. I wasn't particularly fit but my stubborn pride in that instance, had turned into a blessing. I wasn't about to abandon my trek halfway as it would be too embarrassing for me, what with my announcement to friends that I was embarking on a grand journey- I had to be the first amongst people I knew who have made it there!
Towards the final legs of my journey, I remember experiencing a bad headache from the high altitude and had vomitted all of what little contents there were of my liquid breakfast. Throughout my trek, I survived mainly on garlic soup as I had lost my appetite from my previous week of illness when I was sightseeing around Nepal. But I belived in the power of meditation and insisted on trekking up to the village of Gorashep. I meditatively trekked up the situated at around 5000m and ironically, my trekking guide noticed that I walked faster than the usual. That afternoon, after I dumped my bags at the guest house and had lunch, we continued our trek. We made it to Everest Base Camp and was one day ahead of schedule.
During my pilgrimage, I had much time to think but at the same time, so little. Every energy spent on this arduous journey required my utmost concentration. I noted the physical strength and resilience of the Sherpas who carried with on their backs at least 70kg worth of goods each walking from villages to villages up the steep of the trek roads. I was also ever so grateful too that my ever attentive trekking guide who wanted me to save a few US dollars each day carried most of my backpack and held my hand (and offered to piggy back me) as I was confronted by my fear of great nature- the gushing waterfalls and rivers where we had to walk sideways on a thin mental pole to get across villages and one slip would have resulted in us being swept away by the waves to the point of no return and the steep edges of the cliffs that we had to trek through one too many occasions. Then on my way down, we were stuck in a village for two more days, my schedule brought back by two days. Life took a new tempo when I was in the mountains. One thing I came to realise was that you couldn't fight the great natures of life. Our time was controlled by weather and being in the mountains with primitive travelling means, many things didn't quite matter. I came to a part realisation that perhaps I was too bogged down with the material things of life. That, I even meant my senseless feelings for the Old Boy, my depression and all. I realised I tend to hold on too strongly on things. Maybe if I were to die there and then, I wonder do I have any real regrets of not having done something I could have done? The mountains has since alter my perspective, maybe combined with the meditation- it did transform my soul. A few weeks after I returned, I got news that all passengers flying on Yeti Airlines to Lukla, typically the starting point to trek the Everest Base Camp have died in a plane crash. I travelled on Yeti Airlines just a few weeks before too, the same route and twice we were forced to fly back to Kathmandu due to poor visbility and then I missed the first plane back to Kathmandu on my way back due to poor visibility and was stuck in that small town for two days. I am still alive. I am lucky.
Life is ever so fragile and moments transcient, I mused.
My age is catching up with the natural cycles of life. I was made a bridesmaid once more in September 2008. I remember two years before, Danielle has made me promise to be back as her bridesmaid when she got married. She wasn't even being proposed then. Then the following summer whilst I was back home in Singapore, I caught sight of a shimmering more than one carat stone on the left of her fourth finger. I questioned her and she smiled.
So there, she got married at the Hyatt Hotel. It was a very meaningful wedding for I knew the groom too many moons ago with Danielle when we were a mere seventeen. I remember the groom asking me for a dance during Orientation and in his flirty, swaggering manner, he too tried his hands at charming me. But Danielle had captured his imagination all these years despite them having many other relationships over. He always went back to her. It felt like a high school reunion as I caught up with his best men- only 12 years ago, we were in our uniforms. They still had to tease me about my green pinafore. I was made a compere that night and so was Knife. Knife was another gangster character in junior college who has now done well for himself in the banking industry. He never stopped trying to be flirty with me even till now (although I heard that he is probably getting married soon). He noted that I was pretty much still my larger than life personality (thank goodness he met up with me post Nepal, with traces of my last decade of life hidden from view). Subsequently, Knife attempted to meet up with me and quite strangely at times, he would ring me during the late of the night...
After the wedding, I rushed off past midnight to meet up with Harry, having only closed in no more than two hours of sleep the previous night from partying and then waking up early to be at the bride's house that morning. I was still partying like an eighteen year old and not slowing down in my merry making. Harry was also attending an old classmate's wedding at the Oriental Hotel (he had to tell me Mr. London was there too). I got Knife to drop me off at the Oriental and Harry and I caught a cab to head for the clubs. I had so much to update him since I just got back from Nepal six days before and he had just been back from his 3-month long sailing trip. Then I also wanted to update him about my latest caught up with the Koran, his high school friend.
We were already headed into the club as we continued to updating information to each other quickly. Then Harry suddenly alerted to me that by the way, the Koran is coming to the club tonight with his girlfriend. Would I mind? I said that was cool because in my head I was pleased with our being candid with each other.
When we finally saw him and his new hot babe girlfriend, I smiled at him. The Koran looked awkward. Subsequently, a day or two later I logged onto my facebook account and realised that he wrote me a not so nice message. So there-it was little wonder. Comically, Harry had said to me to not worry as I looked really hot tonight with my new china doll hairdo and short pink cheong sam- I had the wow factor.
Recently, I learnt that the Koran has got married. I think it must be sometime in November or December. Wow- I thought. We had that last conversation in September and he mentioned about us best not keeping in touch because he didn't want to jepordise his relatively new and blosoming relationship with this new girlfriend. What can I say but wow? People do act fast and trust making life decisions in a matter of months. Maybe he is sure she is the One.
Just one year ago, the Koran wonders if he would ever get married. After all, he is a progressive Muslim with a lifestyle residing on the wild side but having traditional parents and as a filial son, he would have found finding an on par partner of the same religion challenging. But voila, he found her. She is probably the girl who he could happily spend the rest of his life and she be his one and only. Good on him- I am happy for them.
Exactly, just one year ago whilst the Koran and I had an affair, I was with the Old Boy. My feelings in Jan 2008 is still the same one year on. People do move on and you wonder you are still left behind. What happen to emotional progressions and your theory of histories confounding histories, Miss P?
By October 2008, I was mentally ready to start life over again. But before so, I had to write off a few people. I swore Nano out of my life then as I deemed he made a bad friend (we have since resumed our friendship) and then there was Big M. Few times after I have returned to Singapore from Nepal, he had asked me to give him two weeks to sort out his work and family from his busy flying schedule before he could spend time with me.
I didn't have two weeks, I told Big M. Ironically, on my last week at the foot spa with the Old Boy, Big M had texted to proposition a rendezvous at Ballantine that night. I declined. Getting over the Old Boy was more than enough work, I had DL awaiting my return to Australia on the other end. I was getting ready to embrace a whole new life. There were all the social bad debts, like the global financial crisis of 2008 that needed to be written off my life. A clean slate was what I needed.
“Not everyone gets a second chance. So treasure it ” Josie said to me over dinner the last week before I left Singapore. He meant my relationship with DL. I pondered too overmy good fortune and mentally took note of the men I have known in my life, be they close friends or lovers. Infidelity seemed to be the hallmark of their lives. Half, murky lives these people lead. What their other halves don't know.
DL, in contrast, has always been a transparent man. So pure and almost righteous that he questioned the reason of infidelities, especially in married life. I quietly told him I do understand why. He would reply firmly, “It is people who don't understand themselves well from the very beginning and what they want out of life to become prone to such errors in their lives.” For him to have overlook my fallacies and infidelities as he promised, I know he must love me.More so than he loves himself...
So yes, I returned to Sad Town in October 2008. I was in business partnership with Tina. We got the raving food reviews, media coverage and all. Worked my ass off for a good 15 hours everyday-no breaks. I thought I was done with writing off bad debts and on the roll to a great 2009.
On Christmas Eve, I fell out with Tina. Enough was enough. Being taken for granted, I was. You suddenly saw a side of your so called best friend in Australia that you never saw. Whatever contract that was drawn up meant nothing, even the standards she had set for the both of you were not honoured. They took the credit whilst you slogged away. Even your domestic life took a toil. She tried to pick a fight despite your long tolerance but she didn't choose her battles wisely. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I walked out. So she became the last bad debt I wrote off for 2008. Swift and fast, I left. I have not looked back.
2008- I thought I was once again a rising star. But it's a story of riches to rags.
Next week, I start a new job as a Waitress at a fine dining establishment. It was exactly the same restaurant I took my chefs to dine and learn up the concepts not too long ago .
Ground zero, I start from in 2009.
I have lost my 2008 weather worn anxiety. Instead, I am smiling and anticipating an interesting year ahead.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Fiction & Life
They say that books have a way of finding their way into one's life. One doesn't find the book. The book finds you, the story line resonating parts of your life.
Two days ago, I chanced upon a book.
*****
'You don't love me,' she says quietly.
He pauses, rests his chin on her shoulder, thinks about this. 'Once,' he muses, 'I thought I did. It was fleeting, I'm glad to say. I'm glad I didn't do anything rash for you. I thought I was going to, I nearly did: I'm pleased I saved myself. I'm pleased I did not give up everything that is precious in exchange for you, a lowly bloodsucker.'
'...I have never asked you to give up anything. I have never asked anything from you.'
'But you do! He shakes her. 'Don't you see? You do! You ask for a great slice of me- you demand it! And if I don't give it, you sulk and cry, your feelings are drearily hurt. I have to sit at my desk and feel ashamed and try to discover where I went wrong. And worry that this time you'll leave me, that I'll never hold you again, But I am just another of your stupid toys, these expensive things you buy on a whim and never touch lovingly again. I am behind glass, like them; you look at me as you look at them, coldly, indifferently.'
She licks her cracked lips, sucks down the sourness. Sometimes she wonders if her heart has pieces left to break, blood enough to bleed another drop. 'I have had to keep you behind glass,' she says, 'because my touch is damaging to you. I would take you to bed with me every night, curl up with you in my blankets and sleep beside you, but I cannot. You don't belong to me. So I'd be foolish to let myself become too attached. Any day I might lose you, any hour. Can you imagine how that feels? Can you imagine how it is, to be forever on that verge- always wondering when you'll say the word, when you'll decide to be free? Fearing that every stupid thing I say might cost me that price? You say I'd remember how to be alone- you're right, I would. It's a skill I'd be a fool to forget. But don't talk to me about being alone: what would you know about it? Nothing. You don't know know what lonesomeness is.'
'Don't speak for me,' he retorts. His cock is demanding things now, is a jabbering voice in his head. “You know nothing about me.'
'I know some things,' Her eyes too are closed. 'I know that when I need you, you won't be here. Not when I'm hurt or tired or overjoyed, not when I ache for you, when tears fall down my face for you, your hush voice, your kind heart, your pretty laugh, you won't be here. You don't belong to me- I know. You belong to others, and you're happiest that way.'
'You knew all this from the day we met.'
'Yes, that's true.'
'But you'd make me feel guilty for it anyway.'
'Yes, that's true too. It's inadvertent: I don't mean it. I'm glad you are happy somewhere, with someone, I don't want to take that from you... None of this has turned out how I thought it would. I have botched the job. I'm not very good at it, I suppose.'
-Landscape with animals, Cameron S. Redfern
They say that books have a way of finding their way into one's life. One doesn't find the book. The book finds you, the story line resonating parts of your life.
Two days ago, I chanced upon a book.
*****
'You don't love me,' she says quietly.
He pauses, rests his chin on her shoulder, thinks about this. 'Once,' he muses, 'I thought I did. It was fleeting, I'm glad to say. I'm glad I didn't do anything rash for you. I thought I was going to, I nearly did: I'm pleased I saved myself. I'm pleased I did not give up everything that is precious in exchange for you, a lowly bloodsucker.'
'...I have never asked you to give up anything. I have never asked anything from you.'
'But you do! He shakes her. 'Don't you see? You do! You ask for a great slice of me- you demand it! And if I don't give it, you sulk and cry, your feelings are drearily hurt. I have to sit at my desk and feel ashamed and try to discover where I went wrong. And worry that this time you'll leave me, that I'll never hold you again, But I am just another of your stupid toys, these expensive things you buy on a whim and never touch lovingly again. I am behind glass, like them; you look at me as you look at them, coldly, indifferently.'
She licks her cracked lips, sucks down the sourness. Sometimes she wonders if her heart has pieces left to break, blood enough to bleed another drop. 'I have had to keep you behind glass,' she says, 'because my touch is damaging to you. I would take you to bed with me every night, curl up with you in my blankets and sleep beside you, but I cannot. You don't belong to me. So I'd be foolish to let myself become too attached. Any day I might lose you, any hour. Can you imagine how that feels? Can you imagine how it is, to be forever on that verge- always wondering when you'll say the word, when you'll decide to be free? Fearing that every stupid thing I say might cost me that price? You say I'd remember how to be alone- you're right, I would. It's a skill I'd be a fool to forget. But don't talk to me about being alone: what would you know about it? Nothing. You don't know know what lonesomeness is.'
'Don't speak for me,' he retorts. His cock is demanding things now, is a jabbering voice in his head. “You know nothing about me.'
'I know some things,' Her eyes too are closed. 'I know that when I need you, you won't be here. Not when I'm hurt or tired or overjoyed, not when I ache for you, when tears fall down my face for you, your hush voice, your kind heart, your pretty laugh, you won't be here. You don't belong to me- I know. You belong to others, and you're happiest that way.'
'You knew all this from the day we met.'
'Yes, that's true.'
'But you'd make me feel guilty for it anyway.'
'Yes, that's true too. It's inadvertent: I don't mean it. I'm glad you are happy somewhere, with someone, I don't want to take that from you... None of this has turned out how I thought it would. I have botched the job. I'm not very good at it, I suppose.'
-Landscape with animals, Cameron S. Redfern
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Last Christmas and now...
From: dilettantep@hotmail.com
To: The Old Boy
Subject: RE: hello, just to keep in touch
Date: Sat, 13 Dec 2008 14:21:24 +0000
Hi Darling,
I realise it is indeed Dec-another year has passed and X'mas is round the corner...
This year has been a turbulent year with many changes on my end...and looking back its only been 12 months... similarly for u on the work front...
The point I am trying to make is I don't know if I could think of any solutions for you as with my current situation with the resto... we are having serious staffing issues and Tina and I had a tiff last nite and we kindda sorted it out today but I feel that the way we would manage this biz would be diff and potentially things might not go through... I work 15 hr days now and am basically trying to mend the holes and live on a day to day basis...
So the point I wanna make is that the world is your oyster hidden with many opportunities...its your decision to make whether to take a chance or not... life is a gamble but u could always make a calculated move... end of the day is, can you handle the consequences as well as the rewards? sometimes, its no good seeing the short term losses and lose sight of the long term benefits, as with how Tina and Damo are handling the resto at the mo... but to reap the rewards, one does need to walk that extra mile and go through the trials and tribulations... its part of character building...
You know what is the good and bad thing about you? You are not risk taking-which also means to say you take a prudent stance in your decision making approach and plus u like to do ur research and have complete info, this is the chance for u to face urself and make a decision right now whether u can handle outlaying the $ and make ur $20k work for you... so having say that, do ur homewk and strike whilst the iron is hot.
Also, I must have read somewhere of pp havng the fear of success instead of failure... sometimes I think u are like that simply cos u cling too much to security...its that emotional insecurity that holds u back from doing a lot of great things...its prob the time now for u now to launch and pp believe in u... but now, the most impt thing is do u believe in yourself and do u know ur own mkt value i.e. what u think u can do and the accompanying end result...
Ok, enough said... I am sure what I say above u already know... I am sorry for once I cannot find u a quick solution as I am wont to do...
The meditation in Nepal did something to me... am heaps calmer now... in fact, I am not really stressed with anything these days... am still a worry wart sometimes but I don't quite feel the same anxiety.... maybe too tired to worry each day so I juz got to go to the battlefield to deal with a fresh day of challenges each day....
On another note re how time flies, I heard on facebook that the Koran is getting married... goes to show u never know when happiness could start knocking on your door... one day a person could be down on his luck, another day, he might be at the top of the world.... so pt is you never know maybe this opp might well be that big break that one part of you has always hope to get... but remember, opportunities are self created... u must know when to seize them when they come..
OK, u take care and write me soon... I still miss and love you as always...
P
_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: The Old Boy
To: dilettantep@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: hello, just to keep in touch
Date: Sat, 13 Dec 2008 23:33:48 +0000
thanks for the lovely long letter and the words of encouragment. its funny how you and wifey see things so differently...but then again, perhaps she is more like me and not so much like you...anyway, i don't think that she is too keen with me taking the plunge into owning my own biz or anything like that. think i would just have to work too hard and i won't be used to putting in such hard work. heh heh. anyway, bottom line is that she kinda veto'ed the offer and i feel the same way although i am not sure if i would be able to find a job...in this economic climate.
am going to start hunting for jobs today...
as for your 15 hour days....you KNOW how i feel about that right? i should just pour in some money here and let you run my restro...or partnership with you...i KNOW that owning a restro or something like that has always been a dream of mine...perhaps one day...when i can afford to lose that type of money.
take care
_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: dilettantep@hotmail.com
To: The Old Boy
Subject: RE: hello, just to keep in touch
Date: Sun, 14 Dec 2008 14:45:05 +0000
Hey,
Good to get such a quick reply from you... just finish my super long day and was logging in to see if I got any resumes on my wk email but as usual I side tracked...;)
Guess it's understandable why wifey makes the decision as she is wont to make, with kids and all plus she iis just like u, prudent... at the end of the day, its all perception... do u want to make each of your $ work harder than you and you might well make a breakthrough or stick to the straight and narrow path where you won't fall too hard but you serve a longer time in the workforce to make just a decent buck... nothing wrong with both as long as you can handle the decision you make...
That's probably not a bad thing given that the both of you come up with the same conclusion in your decision maaking... sometimes I wish things are so with DL and me...
Hey, when I was at the monastery, my teacher made us meditate on Death... and to reflect that if we know we only had 12 hours more to live, what would we do? I realise two things: 1) I hope I won't live in regret for procrastinating on doing the things I want to achieve and 2) Maybe nothing really matters as much as I give meaning to it through attachment...
And so now I try my best to live like I have only 12 hours left to live... point is, maybe you should think hard enough on the goals in your life and work through them... if you got just ONE goal achieved, the rest will follow... try doing the 100 goals check list of "Things I hope/ dream to achieve before I die" and put it away... and look at it in 6 months' time- you might have achieved or in the midst of reaching some of them... maybe not all in this lifetime but some... then you would know if you had to die the next day, you wouldn't die in regrets...
My dear, I don't know what you feel about me putting in 15-hr days... that's part and parcel of resto work... if its 100% mine, I would have done more time... but know what? Physically, I am tired sometimes but for the most part, my passion and spirits keep me going...I am finally having a half day off on Tues and am looking forward to my 2.5 hrs Certified Wat Po Thai massage... heheh... and then finally being able to do the laundry and tidy the house and spend time with DL and Fluffball... well, I don't know how I am going to fit them all in but will try to squeeze out time...
Also, in any business remember, never start with thinking that you are going to lose money, that's half the fight lost... yes, you will not make $$$ initially but thats the time to buy goodwil... at the end of the day, one just gotta have enough capital to go into something that they can handle/ stomach losses I guess...
and yes, if you want to set up a resto, I'll be there for you...
Speak soon... me gotta sleep...
Btw, I am incommunicado-dropped my ph in the toilet bowl and now my phone is fucked but no time to even get new phone... I might even have lost your no and many others since I stupidly saved all my nos on my phone...sigh...
P
_____________________________________________________________________________________
RE: hello, just to keep in touch
From: The Old Boy
Sent: Monday, 15 December 2008 12:17:44 AM
To: dilettantep@hotmail.com
oh, if it is not too late, dismantle your phone and put it in some rice...uncooked...as it acts as a desicant...and soaks up the moisture...the main thing is that you shouldn't turn your phone on...although i suspect that you have already that's why you know that your phone is on the blink.
tks for the comments and have read through them. will sit down and think of the 100 goals but i guess if i had only 12 hours to live...just speaking generally, i think i've achieved more than what i have expected out of life...i have lived a pretty good life except for seeing my kids walk down the church with their brides and having grand children. other than that...i am pretty satisfied with my work life. i've come from a low plumber contractor to becoming a general manager of a company and setting it up all by myself, and in an IT firm at that. the switch is what i'm really proud of. from contracting to IT business. i think that's really a good effort as i've worked hard to accumulate knowledge of an industry that i knew nothing about in a span of about 3 years or so. that someone trusts me to start up a company for them is also an achievement. i'm satisfied. with the last 12 hours, i would like to spend them with my family and my closest friends. nothing doing with work. just my family and my friends beside me.
guess i cherish my family and friends more than anything else...
of course, there are my favourite foods like chicken rice, burger king's whopper, although they seem insignificant compared to spending my last few hours with my kids...
take care
Old Boy
From: dilettantep@hotmail.com
To: The Old Boy
Subject: RE: hello, just to keep in touch
Date: Sat, 13 Dec 2008 14:21:24 +0000
Hi Darling,
I realise it is indeed Dec-another year has passed and X'mas is round the corner...
This year has been a turbulent year with many changes on my end...and looking back its only been 12 months... similarly for u on the work front...
The point I am trying to make is I don't know if I could think of any solutions for you as with my current situation with the resto... we are having serious staffing issues and Tina and I had a tiff last nite and we kindda sorted it out today but I feel that the way we would manage this biz would be diff and potentially things might not go through... I work 15 hr days now and am basically trying to mend the holes and live on a day to day basis...
So the point I wanna make is that the world is your oyster hidden with many opportunities...its your decision to make whether to take a chance or not... life is a gamble but u could always make a calculated move... end of the day is, can you handle the consequences as well as the rewards? sometimes, its no good seeing the short term losses and lose sight of the long term benefits, as with how Tina and Damo are handling the resto at the mo... but to reap the rewards, one does need to walk that extra mile and go through the trials and tribulations... its part of character building...
You know what is the good and bad thing about you? You are not risk taking-which also means to say you take a prudent stance in your decision making approach and plus u like to do ur research and have complete info, this is the chance for u to face urself and make a decision right now whether u can handle outlaying the $ and make ur $20k work for you... so having say that, do ur homewk and strike whilst the iron is hot.
Also, I must have read somewhere of pp havng the fear of success instead of failure... sometimes I think u are like that simply cos u cling too much to security...its that emotional insecurity that holds u back from doing a lot of great things...its prob the time now for u now to launch and pp believe in u... but now, the most impt thing is do u believe in yourself and do u know ur own mkt value i.e. what u think u can do and the accompanying end result...
Ok, enough said... I am sure what I say above u already know... I am sorry for once I cannot find u a quick solution as I am wont to do...
The meditation in Nepal did something to me... am heaps calmer now... in fact, I am not really stressed with anything these days... am still a worry wart sometimes but I don't quite feel the same anxiety.... maybe too tired to worry each day so I juz got to go to the battlefield to deal with a fresh day of challenges each day....
On another note re how time flies, I heard on facebook that the Koran is getting married... goes to show u never know when happiness could start knocking on your door... one day a person could be down on his luck, another day, he might be at the top of the world.... so pt is you never know maybe this opp might well be that big break that one part of you has always hope to get... but remember, opportunities are self created... u must know when to seize them when they come..
OK, u take care and write me soon... I still miss and love you as always...
P
_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: The Old Boy
To: dilettantep@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: hello, just to keep in touch
Date: Sat, 13 Dec 2008 23:33:48 +0000
thanks for the lovely long letter and the words of encouragment. its funny how you and wifey see things so differently...but then again, perhaps she is more like me and not so much like you...anyway, i don't think that she is too keen with me taking the plunge into owning my own biz or anything like that. think i would just have to work too hard and i won't be used to putting in such hard work. heh heh. anyway, bottom line is that she kinda veto'ed the offer and i feel the same way although i am not sure if i would be able to find a job...in this economic climate.
am going to start hunting for jobs today...
as for your 15 hour days....you KNOW how i feel about that right? i should just pour in some money here and let you run my restro...or partnership with you...i KNOW that owning a restro or something like that has always been a dream of mine...perhaps one day...when i can afford to lose that type of money.
take care
_____________________________________________________________________________________
From: dilettantep@hotmail.com
To: The Old Boy
Subject: RE: hello, just to keep in touch
Date: Sun, 14 Dec 2008 14:45:05 +0000
Hey,
Good to get such a quick reply from you... just finish my super long day and was logging in to see if I got any resumes on my wk email but as usual I side tracked...;)
Guess it's understandable why wifey makes the decision as she is wont to make, with kids and all plus she iis just like u, prudent... at the end of the day, its all perception... do u want to make each of your $ work harder than you and you might well make a breakthrough or stick to the straight and narrow path where you won't fall too hard but you serve a longer time in the workforce to make just a decent buck... nothing wrong with both as long as you can handle the decision you make...
That's probably not a bad thing given that the both of you come up with the same conclusion in your decision maaking... sometimes I wish things are so with DL and me...
Hey, when I was at the monastery, my teacher made us meditate on Death... and to reflect that if we know we only had 12 hours more to live, what would we do? I realise two things: 1) I hope I won't live in regret for procrastinating on doing the things I want to achieve and 2) Maybe nothing really matters as much as I give meaning to it through attachment...
And so now I try my best to live like I have only 12 hours left to live... point is, maybe you should think hard enough on the goals in your life and work through them... if you got just ONE goal achieved, the rest will follow... try doing the 100 goals check list of "Things I hope/ dream to achieve before I die" and put it away... and look at it in 6 months' time- you might have achieved or in the midst of reaching some of them... maybe not all in this lifetime but some... then you would know if you had to die the next day, you wouldn't die in regrets...
My dear, I don't know what you feel about me putting in 15-hr days... that's part and parcel of resto work... if its 100% mine, I would have done more time... but know what? Physically, I am tired sometimes but for the most part, my passion and spirits keep me going...I am finally having a half day off on Tues and am looking forward to my 2.5 hrs Certified Wat Po Thai massage... heheh... and then finally being able to do the laundry and tidy the house and spend time with DL and Fluffball... well, I don't know how I am going to fit them all in but will try to squeeze out time...
Also, in any business remember, never start with thinking that you are going to lose money, that's half the fight lost... yes, you will not make $$$ initially but thats the time to buy goodwil... at the end of the day, one just gotta have enough capital to go into something that they can handle/ stomach losses I guess...
and yes, if you want to set up a resto, I'll be there for you...
Speak soon... me gotta sleep...
Btw, I am incommunicado-dropped my ph in the toilet bowl and now my phone is fucked but no time to even get new phone... I might even have lost your no and many others since I stupidly saved all my nos on my phone...sigh...
P
_____________________________________________________________________________________
RE: hello, just to keep in touch
From: The Old Boy
Sent: Monday, 15 December 2008 12:17:44 AM
To: dilettantep@hotmail.com
oh, if it is not too late, dismantle your phone and put it in some rice...uncooked...as it acts as a desicant...and soaks up the moisture...the main thing is that you shouldn't turn your phone on...although i suspect that you have already that's why you know that your phone is on the blink.
tks for the comments and have read through them. will sit down and think of the 100 goals but i guess if i had only 12 hours to live...just speaking generally, i think i've achieved more than what i have expected out of life...i have lived a pretty good life except for seeing my kids walk down the church with their brides and having grand children. other than that...i am pretty satisfied with my work life. i've come from a low plumber contractor to becoming a general manager of a company and setting it up all by myself, and in an IT firm at that. the switch is what i'm really proud of. from contracting to IT business. i think that's really a good effort as i've worked hard to accumulate knowledge of an industry that i knew nothing about in a span of about 3 years or so. that someone trusts me to start up a company for them is also an achievement. i'm satisfied. with the last 12 hours, i would like to spend them with my family and my closest friends. nothing doing with work. just my family and my friends beside me.
guess i cherish my family and friends more than anything else...
of course, there are my favourite foods like chicken rice, burger king's whopper, although they seem insignificant compared to spending my last few hours with my kids...
take care
Old Boy
