Thursday, June 28, 2007
Chic City Living & my New Home
My temporary new home with the best friend has a harbour view. From my Executive Suite, I watch the world with almost a birds’ eye view, the beautiful skyline and the harbour bridge before my window from the 33rd storey.
The service is great and my favourite bar (where Dope and I spent many a quiet evenings rendezvous-ing, where our fingers secretly slide themselves to hold hands underneath the table) is just downstairs. I think I can quite live there.
I have always loved to be serviced.
Funny, a very long time ago, the Big Boy mentioned that perhaps he would book a suite for us at Four Seasons where he would devote his time to pleasuring me... when he takes a trip Down Under (heh- love the pun!)...
Well, I got there first myself. ;)
My temporary new home with the best friend has a harbour view. From my Executive Suite, I watch the world with almost a birds’ eye view, the beautiful skyline and the harbour bridge before my window from the 33rd storey.
The service is great and my favourite bar (where Dope and I spent many a quiet evenings rendezvous-ing, where our fingers secretly slide themselves to hold hands underneath the table) is just downstairs. I think I can quite live there.
I have always loved to be serviced.
Funny, a very long time ago, the Big Boy mentioned that perhaps he would book a suite for us at Four Seasons where he would devote his time to pleasuring me... when he takes a trip Down Under (heh- love the pun!)...
Well, I got there first myself. ;)
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Final Answer
By my bedside in Singapore lay a picture frame with a photo that encapsulated fond memories of my sweet seventeen. That was a short period of my entire life where I could truly remember being happy and relatively carefree.
You see, I had great friends and was popular at school, shitloads of pocket money and a great boyfriend. What more could anyone ask for?
Ive was the first boyfriend I brought home to meet my parents. I thought he was eligible enough. He was charming, smart and good looking. But first off, we had great physical and intellectual chemistry. Up till today whenever DeeDee flies into Sydney and we spent some girlish nights at the Hilton reminscing about our happy youth, she would often say to me that, "Man, you guys made such a great pair back then!"
That picture of lovey dovey us and my "Alicia Silverstone" clique and their respective boyfriends (all exes except for one couple now married)stills sits nicely framed by my bedside.
*****
But one day, everything changed.
To cut the long story short, he met up with the ex-girlfriend again.
It was his 18th birthday and she proposed a meet up. He asked for my permission and I said yes. After all, I was never one to be possessive that way. I believe that if a man were to leave me, he would for any reason as he chooses, it needn't be a girl (although the men in my life often did and ironically defected back to the ex).
They must've have done something that I never found out.
He came back afterwards being a different guy, always difficult and then when I was patient, he would asked, "Why do you have to be so nice to me?"
Then one day, quite timely (and I had this nagging premonition for two days since he stopped calling) on my baby sister's eleventh birthday, Ive rang and dropped the bombshell on me. His reason was that he had to concentrate on his A-level studies and then there was the family financial crisis at home (they were facing bankruptcy) and his family thought the wiser not to spend so much time and money on dating.)
You see, I was also later to find out from my other "Alicia Silverstone-like" friends in my clique who also had HDB boyfriends that while us girls did our shopping and them first boyfriends' club guys tagged along obediently behind us carrying our merchandise, one of them remarked that "rich" girls like us were high maintenance. Ive agreed with them. It was a first for me because I never view him any differently from me or thought that he might have possibly perceived me as a "rich brat".
I never knew the whole extent of the truth that triggered the breakup. Maybe I never do.
****
Three years later, I was at Zouk and bumped into an acquaintaince, Marvin dancing intimately with a girl on the dancefloor. This guy had taken an interest in me before (although he had a girlfriend). I spotted him with Ive's ex-girlfriend before me. Her name is DS and coincidentally, she happened to be my primary school friend's relative.
I knew DS by face and also because she looked like her older sister from my high school. Ive had mentioned that they dated before he was with me. But it was the first time I met her in person.
Later, when the party was over, I bumped into the two outside and Marvin introduced us. I said hi and pretended not to know her because how was I going to explain myself right?
Then she turned and eyed me.
She said,"By the way, do you know someone by the name of Ive?"
"Yes. So how is he? Are you guys in touch?" I asked rather innocently.
"Oh, we're still together!"
"Oh..."
It felt like a tight slap across my face.
Realisation dawned upon me. I didn't even think about it. The missing puzzles started to fit together after three years...
Then there were also Ive's attempts at keeping in touch with some of my "Alicia Silverstone" friends shortly after the break-up where he offered sporadic information/hints about the mid-term break where he didn't go home for several nights. It was the week of his birthday where he met up with DS. I never knew that he didn't go home to sleep for nights and could now only wonder what happened thereafter....
Then I also recall in my final days with Ive where I was at his house. Our relationship was dwindling where he would blow hot and cold with me. Nothing I did to win him would appease him and it only seeks to add to his frustration with me. He altered between being tender post his tantrums with me and being difficult with me to extract my anger for him.He didn't seemed all that turned on by me physically too; it was all turning very cold from a 180 degrees switch from our usual fiery passion.
I should have caught on further hints of the possibilities of his infidelity but I didn't. I had asked his baby sister rather playfully one day at his house if his brother has ever brought another girl home except for me? I expected a no for an answer, mainly because I was so naive and truly believed so and also because I reckoned the sister would say no anyway to back the brother. She said yes- recently DS came and she brought him his birthday presents- they were towels and socks with his initials specially sewn on by her.(See, that's where I learnt in life-"ask no questions and you would be told no truth!") I didn't think very much since he did tell me about the meet up. DS was present when this discussion took place and he made it sound like it was she dropping by with the presents and they went out afterwards.
Then I became more concerned within myself that DS took trouble to labour over the embroidery of his name where as a totally undomesticated "pampered" brat, I could barely sew (pre my fashion days) and was hardly interested. Instead, I bought him what money could buy and conveniently got him a "Mighty Ducks" cap as he was into roller/ ice hockey then. I figured I must've not been a very caring girlfriend but didn't think that that was enough reason for him to stray away from me.
I guess I was too trusting or shall I say, too naive? I figured if one had no more interest in me, he would have had the courage (and honesty to his own feelings) to tell me so and move on to who he wants to be with.
I forgot to mention a packet of condoms I found under the bed. We were engaged in heavy intimacy but for some reason, I guarded my first time ever so fiercely so we never did it. But I reckon it was a matter of time that my carnal desire would get the better of me because Ive was a good lover and I was so physically attracted to him. We went to the funny condom shop at Lucky Plaza once where Ive bought me a condom wrapped in foil with the shape of a gold coin for a laugh (I might still have it around!). So I didn't think much of the condoms and reckon it was probably to prep ourselves should the occasion arise. We have always been a spontaneous couple and I still remember those fond days of our heavy petting sometimes topless in the the two storey Carousel at Clarke Quay and the dark open fields at Marina Bay,with the moonlight shining on my bare breasts as we lay on our backs on our mat or other naughty little schoolgirl public misadventures with Ive where we were still dressed in our school uniforms.
But now, in hindsight, having learn a thing or two about life, relationships and carnality, I am able to piece the puzzles together...
****
A year later after that incident at Zouk, I was studying in Australia. My old best friend, Bella attempted to make contact from Perth. She met Ive as she was dating his mate, Sam and the boys were training as pilots together. Sam (who also has a girlfriend back home) had confided in Ive about the new girl, Bella whom he was seeing. Ive asked if she has a good friend called P. Upon cross referencing,Ive realised that Sam's Bella was indeed my Bella! The world is small.
Bella confirmed that Ive was indeed still with DS. They were said to be committed and was set to get married. But silently, I wondered about the night where DS behaved intimately with Marvin. She whispered something in his ear when she eyed me initially and later on, they walked on, Marvin's arm around her shoulder, post delivering the news that only came 3 years too late to me, shattering my heart there and then...(why must I always get ditched by guys who get the person they leave me for to drop the real news wittingly or unwittingly? Cowards, they are!)
Ive then mentioned to Sam that he left me for a reason. He used the word in Mandarin "Gu Zhong" like he was placed in difficult position that compelled him to make that decision. Sam was sworn to secrecy and Bella got nothing out from him.
There was a suggestion of nostalgia on Ive've part when he recalled about our relationship to Sam. This was all Bella profferred from whatever scant information Sam would provide her.
So all I can make sense of the break up was that Ive had little choice but to make that decision to leave me...
This much I knew, 3.5 years post the break up....
*****
Today, I googled his name and was led to a blog site.
It was put up by DS, his current wife.
There are lots of happy photos of them in France where they are currently based.
Lots of baby photos.
Yes, they are proud parents of a chubby baby girl.
*****
Over the years after our break up, I do wonder about Ive.
Perhaps because I never ever got the real reason of our parting from the horse's mouth. There remained a lingering question mark.
I was in a happy place with him and then quite suddenly in one fell sweep, it swayed in the opposite direction and I was denied that happiness forever.
I hold very fond memories of Ive. I guess I'll always do despite the pain and confusion I suffered for a long while thereafter.
Somehow, the happiness still survives the most poignant and vivid of my memories for him and for us.
The rest of how I felt has grown blurry over the years, maybe it is a result of having led a few emotionally battered lives over the course of the years. Happy days are hard to come by so I hang on to what I have had and remember.
It must be a merciful relief that everything ended so quickly towards the end. Some tears but not too much fuss. I am almost glad the crime was committed on me.
Yous see, I suck at break ups- I mean, ditching someone. I don't really know how it works because I have always been at the receiving end of it, emotionally speaking. Either way, it must hurt but I guess I am never one to be first to utter those final words. I'd rather wait for it to befall on me first.
*****
I did often wondered if I could have been in the position of DS if she never re-entered his life. I used to tell him that our kids would turn out beautiful with both our features.
I did think Ive was marriage material for me and then I loved him with all my heart.I reckon he did too before she returned (I knew he had a soft spot for her but guess I didn't fully appreciate the extent until she came and put a test on him to face up to his own emotions). Then perhaps my life would have been really different from now, me contented to be a F16 fighter pilot's wife, perhaps have a government job, get married around 26 or 27, apply for a HDB flat (though I would have hated the idea) and then start having a kid before I turn 30. We would be a model PAP couple.
And then, there'll also be no Mr. London after him who played a vital role and continued to haunt my existence and shape my social ambitions for the following eight years and spillover to my current life...
Or my constant struggle to make things work with DL, or me still slightly aching over the missed bid of my swanky bachelorette apartment in that hip part of town and mainly toughing it all out financially on my own or... the list goes on...
I would live in that ignorant middle-class bliss of being in my comfortable coccoon, playing that supporting role to him. And who says it is a bad thing?
Guess there are some things and missing gaps accountable for towards the fast escalation of our break up that I'll never find out.
But today I was given the final answer that I needed to know.
Yes, he did return to DS.
And yes, she is that designated woman that he loves enough to desire having a family with.
This much I know and this is a good enough answer.
By my bedside in Singapore lay a picture frame with a photo that encapsulated fond memories of my sweet seventeen. That was a short period of my entire life where I could truly remember being happy and relatively carefree.
You see, I had great friends and was popular at school, shitloads of pocket money and a great boyfriend. What more could anyone ask for?
Ive was the first boyfriend I brought home to meet my parents. I thought he was eligible enough. He was charming, smart and good looking. But first off, we had great physical and intellectual chemistry. Up till today whenever DeeDee flies into Sydney and we spent some girlish nights at the Hilton reminscing about our happy youth, she would often say to me that, "Man, you guys made such a great pair back then!"
That picture of lovey dovey us and my "Alicia Silverstone" clique and their respective boyfriends (all exes except for one couple now married)stills sits nicely framed by my bedside.
*****
But one day, everything changed.
To cut the long story short, he met up with the ex-girlfriend again.
It was his 18th birthday and she proposed a meet up. He asked for my permission and I said yes. After all, I was never one to be possessive that way. I believe that if a man were to leave me, he would for any reason as he chooses, it needn't be a girl (although the men in my life often did and ironically defected back to the ex).
They must've have done something that I never found out.
He came back afterwards being a different guy, always difficult and then when I was patient, he would asked, "Why do you have to be so nice to me?"
Then one day, quite timely (and I had this nagging premonition for two days since he stopped calling) on my baby sister's eleventh birthday, Ive rang and dropped the bombshell on me. His reason was that he had to concentrate on his A-level studies and then there was the family financial crisis at home (they were facing bankruptcy) and his family thought the wiser not to spend so much time and money on dating.)
You see, I was also later to find out from my other "Alicia Silverstone-like" friends in my clique who also had HDB boyfriends that while us girls did our shopping and them first boyfriends' club guys tagged along obediently behind us carrying our merchandise, one of them remarked that "rich" girls like us were high maintenance. Ive agreed with them. It was a first for me because I never view him any differently from me or thought that he might have possibly perceived me as a "rich brat".
I never knew the whole extent of the truth that triggered the breakup. Maybe I never do.
****
Three years later, I was at Zouk and bumped into an acquaintaince, Marvin dancing intimately with a girl on the dancefloor. This guy had taken an interest in me before (although he had a girlfriend). I spotted him with Ive's ex-girlfriend before me. Her name is DS and coincidentally, she happened to be my primary school friend's relative.
I knew DS by face and also because she looked like her older sister from my high school. Ive had mentioned that they dated before he was with me. But it was the first time I met her in person.
Later, when the party was over, I bumped into the two outside and Marvin introduced us. I said hi and pretended not to know her because how was I going to explain myself right?
Then she turned and eyed me.
She said,"By the way, do you know someone by the name of Ive?"
"Yes. So how is he? Are you guys in touch?" I asked rather innocently.
"Oh, we're still together!"
"Oh..."
It felt like a tight slap across my face.
Realisation dawned upon me. I didn't even think about it. The missing puzzles started to fit together after three years...
Then there were also Ive's attempts at keeping in touch with some of my "Alicia Silverstone" friends shortly after the break-up where he offered sporadic information/hints about the mid-term break where he didn't go home for several nights. It was the week of his birthday where he met up with DS. I never knew that he didn't go home to sleep for nights and could now only wonder what happened thereafter....
Then I also recall in my final days with Ive where I was at his house. Our relationship was dwindling where he would blow hot and cold with me. Nothing I did to win him would appease him and it only seeks to add to his frustration with me. He altered between being tender post his tantrums with me and being difficult with me to extract my anger for him.He didn't seemed all that turned on by me physically too; it was all turning very cold from a 180 degrees switch from our usual fiery passion.
I should have caught on further hints of the possibilities of his infidelity but I didn't. I had asked his baby sister rather playfully one day at his house if his brother has ever brought another girl home except for me? I expected a no for an answer, mainly because I was so naive and truly believed so and also because I reckoned the sister would say no anyway to back the brother. She said yes- recently DS came and she brought him his birthday presents- they were towels and socks with his initials specially sewn on by her.(See, that's where I learnt in life-"ask no questions and you would be told no truth!") I didn't think very much since he did tell me about the meet up. DS was present when this discussion took place and he made it sound like it was she dropping by with the presents and they went out afterwards.
Then I became more concerned within myself that DS took trouble to labour over the embroidery of his name where as a totally undomesticated "pampered" brat, I could barely sew (pre my fashion days) and was hardly interested. Instead, I bought him what money could buy and conveniently got him a "Mighty Ducks" cap as he was into roller/ ice hockey then. I figured I must've not been a very caring girlfriend but didn't think that that was enough reason for him to stray away from me.
I guess I was too trusting or shall I say, too naive? I figured if one had no more interest in me, he would have had the courage (and honesty to his own feelings) to tell me so and move on to who he wants to be with.
I forgot to mention a packet of condoms I found under the bed. We were engaged in heavy intimacy but for some reason, I guarded my first time ever so fiercely so we never did it. But I reckon it was a matter of time that my carnal desire would get the better of me because Ive was a good lover and I was so physically attracted to him. We went to the funny condom shop at Lucky Plaza once where Ive bought me a condom wrapped in foil with the shape of a gold coin for a laugh (I might still have it around!). So I didn't think much of the condoms and reckon it was probably to prep ourselves should the occasion arise. We have always been a spontaneous couple and I still remember those fond days of our heavy petting sometimes topless in the the two storey Carousel at Clarke Quay and the dark open fields at Marina Bay,with the moonlight shining on my bare breasts as we lay on our backs on our mat or other naughty little schoolgirl public misadventures with Ive where we were still dressed in our school uniforms.
But now, in hindsight, having learn a thing or two about life, relationships and carnality, I am able to piece the puzzles together...
****
A year later after that incident at Zouk, I was studying in Australia. My old best friend, Bella attempted to make contact from Perth. She met Ive as she was dating his mate, Sam and the boys were training as pilots together. Sam (who also has a girlfriend back home) had confided in Ive about the new girl, Bella whom he was seeing. Ive asked if she has a good friend called P. Upon cross referencing,Ive realised that Sam's Bella was indeed my Bella! The world is small.
Bella confirmed that Ive was indeed still with DS. They were said to be committed and was set to get married. But silently, I wondered about the night where DS behaved intimately with Marvin. She whispered something in his ear when she eyed me initially and later on, they walked on, Marvin's arm around her shoulder, post delivering the news that only came 3 years too late to me, shattering my heart there and then...(why must I always get ditched by guys who get the person they leave me for to drop the real news wittingly or unwittingly? Cowards, they are!)
Ive then mentioned to Sam that he left me for a reason. He used the word in Mandarin "Gu Zhong" like he was placed in difficult position that compelled him to make that decision. Sam was sworn to secrecy and Bella got nothing out from him.
There was a suggestion of nostalgia on Ive've part when he recalled about our relationship to Sam. This was all Bella profferred from whatever scant information Sam would provide her.
So all I can make sense of the break up was that Ive had little choice but to make that decision to leave me...
This much I knew, 3.5 years post the break up....
*****
Today, I googled his name and was led to a blog site.
It was put up by DS, his current wife.
There are lots of happy photos of them in France where they are currently based.
Lots of baby photos.
Yes, they are proud parents of a chubby baby girl.
*****
Over the years after our break up, I do wonder about Ive.
Perhaps because I never ever got the real reason of our parting from the horse's mouth. There remained a lingering question mark.
I was in a happy place with him and then quite suddenly in one fell sweep, it swayed in the opposite direction and I was denied that happiness forever.
I hold very fond memories of Ive. I guess I'll always do despite the pain and confusion I suffered for a long while thereafter.
Somehow, the happiness still survives the most poignant and vivid of my memories for him and for us.
The rest of how I felt has grown blurry over the years, maybe it is a result of having led a few emotionally battered lives over the course of the years. Happy days are hard to come by so I hang on to what I have had and remember.
It must be a merciful relief that everything ended so quickly towards the end. Some tears but not too much fuss. I am almost glad the crime was committed on me.
Yous see, I suck at break ups- I mean, ditching someone. I don't really know how it works because I have always been at the receiving end of it, emotionally speaking. Either way, it must hurt but I guess I am never one to be first to utter those final words. I'd rather wait for it to befall on me first.
*****
I did often wondered if I could have been in the position of DS if she never re-entered his life. I used to tell him that our kids would turn out beautiful with both our features.
I did think Ive was marriage material for me and then I loved him with all my heart.I reckon he did too before she returned (I knew he had a soft spot for her but guess I didn't fully appreciate the extent until she came and put a test on him to face up to his own emotions). Then perhaps my life would have been really different from now, me contented to be a F16 fighter pilot's wife, perhaps have a government job, get married around 26 or 27, apply for a HDB flat (though I would have hated the idea) and then start having a kid before I turn 30. We would be a model PAP couple.
And then, there'll also be no Mr. London after him who played a vital role and continued to haunt my existence and shape my social ambitions for the following eight years and spillover to my current life...
Or my constant struggle to make things work with DL, or me still slightly aching over the missed bid of my swanky bachelorette apartment in that hip part of town and mainly toughing it all out financially on my own or... the list goes on...
I would live in that ignorant middle-class bliss of being in my comfortable coccoon, playing that supporting role to him. And who says it is a bad thing?
Guess there are some things and missing gaps accountable for towards the fast escalation of our break up that I'll never find out.
But today I was given the final answer that I needed to know.
Yes, he did return to DS.
And yes, she is that designated woman that he loves enough to desire having a family with.
This much I know and this is a good enough answer.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Nice Letters
I swear that some days when I think it's the end of my somewhat "colourful" (read distracting) existence and that that young-ish life of P is about to head down the track of social boredom, fate has a hand at handing down a few nice surprises...
This morning as I was rushing out of the train station for the zillionth time slightly late for work, I thought I heard his voice. My Dopey. Well, not really mine except for addressing him by that pet name (and I was P to him). But I was in a such a hurry, I turned my head quickly but not far enough to see if it was really him as I continued brisk walking on. We haven't met since the last day of work before Christmas...
Not long after I got into the office, I received an email. It was Dopey.There were apologies for being rude i.e missing in action and then the usual how are you.
We crossed checked our times at the train station. It wasn't him. I didn't really think it was either, given that the mysterious man had a loud voice and Dopey has a very discreet voice, except that the man has a similar tone to Dopey.
I replied we should catch up next week given that the best friend B would be here and perhaps we could revive that night!
*****
I just read another letter that brought tears to my eyes.
You see, it was Cuban J's 32nd birthday last week and I sent him an email. We have not written for a good nine months now. It was really my fault- I let the communication drop off.
Cuban J and my nights in Havana changed me.
I was never the same person again. I often wonder if it was really him or the nature of my soul that betrayed me?
I was a monogamous one boyfriend type of girl before I met Cuban J. But being with DL in those years always felt like that me trudging on in long march in a dark tunnel, looking for light that never came. And then quite suddenly, I found passion again when I met Cuban J- that historian and intellect. I thought I loved him. I wonder now but I think more accurately, I was in passion with him- no, I don't mean carnally but in spirit. We had so much to talk about and then there were the long passionate, fiery emails exchanged (in spite my being busted that led to the opening of the Pandora's box with DL that forever marred a part of my personal history and that element of self destructiveness and anger spilled over to give rise to my private life of affairs, heartaches and pain)about his "third- world" Communist views as opposed to my "worldly" views.Those love letters exchanged with a lot of angst and passion- I thought I found my old self again…
I guess I did but then reality hit me and once again that spark got extinguished. It was a long year thereafter…
Then there were those emphatic moments where I was driven by my emotions that took a free rein over my actions. I made him promises to get him out of the country- all at the expense of DL’s feelings. I was a struggling university graduate when I returned from that trip and had spent some time washing dishes in a kitchen to make ends meet in my joint existence with DL.
It was a first for me- me letting my heart rule my head and in doing so, I have hurt the one who loves me ever so deeply till today. I guess I have grown slightly wiser, or shall I say emotionally cautious or responsible to know better.
That dark moment and thereafter tainting my life a hue deeper- I shall forever carry the burden of pain for DL and for me.
****
Hi P:
First of all, I’m sorry for not writing you in so long. It’s really busy around here. I got operated last March and I passed 45 bored and stupid days at home, resting and eating a lot. Now everybody tell me that I’ve gained some weight! That’s why I couldn’t be able to write you in so long. Plus, we have a new secretary and I don’t have the same opportunities of some months ago. So, it’s a little bit difficult to send mails. Please, forgive me for forgetting your birthday: I always forget birthdays and have to ask my friends about theirs so I can fulfill my friend duties.
Girl, it was great to remember all those memories again! You don’t know how many things passed before my eyes when I read your email. Of course I remember all those days. Yes, the Bin Bon is still there but the loveliest memory I have comes from the Gato Tuerto, the bolero restaurant we visited. Do you remember it?
It’s good to know about your life. It seems you have worked everything out. I hope you have a good position in your job and you’re getting some money. So, I think Dubai could be a nice place to live, don’t you? Why didn’t you accept the job? Was it bad? I have a question (I’m sorry but our circumstances and lives aren’t like yours and it’s very interesting what you told me. Anyway, I think we have share some moments and if you don’t want to answer it’s ok then): how’s living far away from your couple and see him only once or twice a week? Is it hard?
Things are ok with me now. I’ve just broke up with a girl three months ago. She went to China to study last September and we tried to keep the relation but it was so hard to do…well, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not seeing anyone now but I hope someone will appear sooner or later.
I want you to know that I already left the cigarette two years and two months ago. It feels so good! I’ve lived a lot of good things since the last bloody cigarette. Now I feel better and have a new perspective of life. We (my coworker and I) are moving to another department. We’ll have better work conditions but we lose some privacy. Anyway, I think it’s ok. I’ve got some music lately and I’m hearing everything (rock –hard, soft, heavy-, blues, Cuban folk music, pop, all of the highest quality). The more important: I’ve just got some Cuban vanguard music (something like Dylan, Tracy Chapman, in the case of the U.S., but more political). I love this music.
Regarding Yashu, she went to Mexico to live there. I’ll send her your bests and let’s see how you can communicate with her ‘cause she doesn’t speak or write English at all.
Well, girl, it’s been great having news from you again. I hope we don’t lose communication again. I swear you I won’t do it! Ok, by now, please write me back. Muchos besos,
J
*****
Guess it is all water under the bridge now with those men.
That's all it matters now, isn't it?
I swear that some days when I think it's the end of my somewhat "colourful" (read distracting) existence and that that young-ish life of P is about to head down the track of social boredom, fate has a hand at handing down a few nice surprises...
This morning as I was rushing out of the train station for the zillionth time slightly late for work, I thought I heard his voice. My Dopey. Well, not really mine except for addressing him by that pet name (and I was P to him). But I was in a such a hurry, I turned my head quickly but not far enough to see if it was really him as I continued brisk walking on. We haven't met since the last day of work before Christmas...
Not long after I got into the office, I received an email. It was Dopey.There were apologies for being rude i.e missing in action and then the usual how are you.
We crossed checked our times at the train station. It wasn't him. I didn't really think it was either, given that the mysterious man had a loud voice and Dopey has a very discreet voice, except that the man has a similar tone to Dopey.
I replied we should catch up next week given that the best friend B would be here and perhaps we could revive that night!
*****
I just read another letter that brought tears to my eyes.
You see, it was Cuban J's 32nd birthday last week and I sent him an email. We have not written for a good nine months now. It was really my fault- I let the communication drop off.
Cuban J and my nights in Havana changed me.
I was never the same person again. I often wonder if it was really him or the nature of my soul that betrayed me?
I was a monogamous one boyfriend type of girl before I met Cuban J. But being with DL in those years always felt like that me trudging on in long march in a dark tunnel, looking for light that never came. And then quite suddenly, I found passion again when I met Cuban J- that historian and intellect. I thought I loved him. I wonder now but I think more accurately, I was in passion with him- no, I don't mean carnally but in spirit. We had so much to talk about and then there were the long passionate, fiery emails exchanged (in spite my being busted that led to the opening of the Pandora's box with DL that forever marred a part of my personal history and that element of self destructiveness and anger spilled over to give rise to my private life of affairs, heartaches and pain)about his "third- world" Communist views as opposed to my "worldly" views.Those love letters exchanged with a lot of angst and passion- I thought I found my old self again…
I guess I did but then reality hit me and once again that spark got extinguished. It was a long year thereafter…
Then there were those emphatic moments where I was driven by my emotions that took a free rein over my actions. I made him promises to get him out of the country- all at the expense of DL’s feelings. I was a struggling university graduate when I returned from that trip and had spent some time washing dishes in a kitchen to make ends meet in my joint existence with DL.
It was a first for me- me letting my heart rule my head and in doing so, I have hurt the one who loves me ever so deeply till today. I guess I have grown slightly wiser, or shall I say emotionally cautious or responsible to know better.
That dark moment and thereafter tainting my life a hue deeper- I shall forever carry the burden of pain for DL and for me.
****
Hi P:
First of all, I’m sorry for not writing you in so long. It’s really busy around here. I got operated last March and I passed 45 bored and stupid days at home, resting and eating a lot. Now everybody tell me that I’ve gained some weight! That’s why I couldn’t be able to write you in so long. Plus, we have a new secretary and I don’t have the same opportunities of some months ago. So, it’s a little bit difficult to send mails. Please, forgive me for forgetting your birthday: I always forget birthdays and have to ask my friends about theirs so I can fulfill my friend duties.
Girl, it was great to remember all those memories again! You don’t know how many things passed before my eyes when I read your email. Of course I remember all those days. Yes, the Bin Bon is still there but the loveliest memory I have comes from the Gato Tuerto, the bolero restaurant we visited. Do you remember it?
It’s good to know about your life. It seems you have worked everything out. I hope you have a good position in your job and you’re getting some money. So, I think Dubai could be a nice place to live, don’t you? Why didn’t you accept the job? Was it bad? I have a question (I’m sorry but our circumstances and lives aren’t like yours and it’s very interesting what you told me. Anyway, I think we have share some moments and if you don’t want to answer it’s ok then): how’s living far away from your couple and see him only once or twice a week? Is it hard?
Things are ok with me now. I’ve just broke up with a girl three months ago. She went to China to study last September and we tried to keep the relation but it was so hard to do…well, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not seeing anyone now but I hope someone will appear sooner or later.
I want you to know that I already left the cigarette two years and two months ago. It feels so good! I’ve lived a lot of good things since the last bloody cigarette. Now I feel better and have a new perspective of life. We (my coworker and I) are moving to another department. We’ll have better work conditions but we lose some privacy. Anyway, I think it’s ok. I’ve got some music lately and I’m hearing everything (rock –hard, soft, heavy-, blues, Cuban folk music, pop, all of the highest quality). The more important: I’ve just got some Cuban vanguard music (something like Dylan, Tracy Chapman, in the case of the U.S., but more political). I love this music.
Regarding Yashu, she went to Mexico to live there. I’ll send her your bests and let’s see how you can communicate with her ‘cause she doesn’t speak or write English at all.
Well, girl, it’s been great having news from you again. I hope we don’t lose communication again. I swear you I won’t do it! Ok, by now, please write me back. Muchos besos,
J
*****
Guess it is all water under the bridge now with those men.
That's all it matters now, isn't it?
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Slap in the Face
Today must be a day of my defeated egos for me on so many levels...
First off, my boss told me to use my brain (which she thinks I have- I call that patronizing) and think before I submitted work to her that needs to be given to the client. What's even better, it's six days overdue. She said she doesn't trust me to send it off today so we better sit down first thing in the morning tomorrow to go through it again, which means yet another day late.She is right. I do need to use my brains but then after doing that bloody thing called the headcount and revising the drafts too many times over to decide how I should cook the books to make the numbers count and it not being a billable piece, I am quite over it. Ironically, this morning she said I had the patience of a saint. I still have a ton of worthy things (read billable and extracurricular opportunities to allow me to add value and become indispensable to not only the team but the office at large that might lead me to that much needed significant lift comes bonus time) to work through.
Then I received a call from the real estate agent at lunch. Someone outbid me in that apartment that I have been eyeing for a good two weeks now. It is a very huge 68sqm Art Deco 1920s era studio apartment with a courtyard that allows pets in hip and bohemic inner city Darlinghurst. Yesterday early morning, I viewed it for the second time (having already gotten DL to drive me round to check out the area at night)and hitting the webpage a thousand times to review the photos, with DL, the older sibling and the dog in tow. They gave me that nod of approval and I took in a deep breathe and put in my offer. I was winning yesterday, with no higher contenders. But that is my stop limit, I told myself.
Today, I was last to leave the office at 8.30pm, having to work through the pile of urgent "to do tasks". I was feeling a little empty and really, curious about his missing in action for almost a good two weeks' now post that last scintillating online chat that went cold soon after reality set in for us, or rather him.As usual, with my phone phobia, my heart was pounding and racing a hundred miles a minute before I even began to dial the number. I took a deep breath and dialled the number, as usual, I half wished the receiver wouldn't pick up. But he did. I attempted to sound charming.
"Hey, Mr. Missing in Action."
"Hello P." He recognised my voice. Quite funnily,he is the only guy ever so confident to say my name right from Day One. M, is the other person but I reckon it's mainly because whenever I called, I would ask for him in his nickname (that I have bestowed upon him) in my bad Spanish.
We talked for perhaps 2-3 minutes and kept asking how each other were and I told him about me being outbid and he asked if it was by a lot. I said no, I just didn't want to overstretch myself financially. He was with his close friend Bobo who is very close to my hostess in Manila. (I am quite conscious that Bobo might mention something to my hostess since I haven't been in touch with her for a good 3 months now and she might well be suspicious and so will Bobo assuming he hasn't said anything. Question mark on that last point). Then I asked if he was still coming to Australia in September. He replied he doesn't know now that the baby brother has not informed them if he wants their attendence for his graduation ceremony. He gave me the feeling that he wasn't as excited or keen as two and a half weeks ago. So I knew what to expect. Shortly after, quite abruptly, he said he had to go and we said our goodbyes rather hastily.
Felt like I got slapped in the face real hard for the third time in the day. Well, what a GREAT way to end the night.
I decided to call it a day and left the building, thinking that I should catch a cab home and charge it to the company.
It was pouring outside in the dark, cold and windy wintry night and there was a long beeline queue at the taxi stand. I figured I could probably get home faster by train. Besides, I could do with a brisk walk in the rain and head towards the shopping malls to soak up the bustling energy from the late night shopping crowd and catch a train from there. I took a deep breath and walked on briskly, as usual musing to myself and began getting inspired to come up with pseudo philosophies of life from today's suffering of my bruised egos.
I came up with a few ideas and they are definitely not original ideas at all.
1)When one is not so hard up for something, one would have a lesser likelihood of feeling like one has just been slapped in the face/ ego bruised. I was applying this theory to my failed property bid and also about the brusque phone treatment by Nano.
2)If one is thicker skinned and don't take things too hard, nothing could get to you (for better or for worse). I was applying this to my stupidity with the boss and also the phone conversation with Nano.
Halfway towards my destination in the rain, I received an sms.
We are meeting someone now that's why had to go.
Perhaps to redeem himself a little. Or maybe he remembered that I mentioned to him how I have this massive phone phobia. The last time many, many moons ago (must be at least 2 months now), I called him on a Friday night on my way back home in the cab from partying, it was his 11pm and he told me that he had to go to bed after like a minutes' conversation. I was so ego bruised by him I later told him during our happier and chummier times some 3 weeks ago, only to be confessed by him I had actually got him at a really bad time. You see, he was really gettting ready to go to bed not by himself but with the ex-girlfriend (whom he should have spent more time wooing back in their last date some two weeks ago but instead, he utilised a bit of time talking to her about yours truly here and this girl had asked him to convey her "hello" to me. I told him it wasn't the best move.).
Well, am I glad that it's Friday tomorrow but guess the week is really done when I manage to get my feet out of the office. Tomorrow morning, I need to sit down with the boss (having been given firm instructions to triple check my work before I sit down with her) and I pray that the work I have done for yet another colleague (a perfectionist/ rainmaker who is the boss's right-hand woman and whom I have incur her discontent a month or two ago with the negative karma mirrored back to me that caused me enough grief to contemplate a move) is good enough for her to prevent pulling an all-nighter tonight as she takes my work home to review in preparation for tomorrow's client meeting.
Again for the nth time tomorrow, I take a deep breath as I enter the Tower of Power on yet another morning, holding my breath and walking the tight rope, staying alert and contemplating what possible battles I need to fight to keep alive for the day...
P, stay alert! Not another slap in the face lest you grow numb and useless...
Today must be a day of my defeated egos for me on so many levels...
First off, my boss told me to use my brain (which she thinks I have- I call that patronizing) and think before I submitted work to her that needs to be given to the client. What's even better, it's six days overdue. She said she doesn't trust me to send it off today so we better sit down first thing in the morning tomorrow to go through it again, which means yet another day late.She is right. I do need to use my brains but then after doing that bloody thing called the headcount and revising the drafts too many times over to decide how I should cook the books to make the numbers count and it not being a billable piece, I am quite over it. Ironically, this morning she said I had the patience of a saint. I still have a ton of worthy things (read billable and extracurricular opportunities to allow me to add value and become indispensable to not only the team but the office at large that might lead me to that much needed significant lift comes bonus time) to work through.
Then I received a call from the real estate agent at lunch. Someone outbid me in that apartment that I have been eyeing for a good two weeks now. It is a very huge 68sqm Art Deco 1920s era studio apartment with a courtyard that allows pets in hip and bohemic inner city Darlinghurst. Yesterday early morning, I viewed it for the second time (having already gotten DL to drive me round to check out the area at night)and hitting the webpage a thousand times to review the photos, with DL, the older sibling and the dog in tow. They gave me that nod of approval and I took in a deep breathe and put in my offer. I was winning yesterday, with no higher contenders. But that is my stop limit, I told myself.
Today, I was last to leave the office at 8.30pm, having to work through the pile of urgent "to do tasks". I was feeling a little empty and really, curious about his missing in action for almost a good two weeks' now post that last scintillating online chat that went cold soon after reality set in for us, or rather him.As usual, with my phone phobia, my heart was pounding and racing a hundred miles a minute before I even began to dial the number. I took a deep breath and dialled the number, as usual, I half wished the receiver wouldn't pick up. But he did. I attempted to sound charming.
"Hey, Mr. Missing in Action."
"Hello P." He recognised my voice. Quite funnily,he is the only guy ever so confident to say my name right from Day One. M, is the other person but I reckon it's mainly because whenever I called, I would ask for him in his nickname (that I have bestowed upon him) in my bad Spanish.
We talked for perhaps 2-3 minutes and kept asking how each other were and I told him about me being outbid and he asked if it was by a lot. I said no, I just didn't want to overstretch myself financially. He was with his close friend Bobo who is very close to my hostess in Manila. (I am quite conscious that Bobo might mention something to my hostess since I haven't been in touch with her for a good 3 months now and she might well be suspicious and so will Bobo assuming he hasn't said anything. Question mark on that last point). Then I asked if he was still coming to Australia in September. He replied he doesn't know now that the baby brother has not informed them if he wants their attendence for his graduation ceremony. He gave me the feeling that he wasn't as excited or keen as two and a half weeks ago. So I knew what to expect. Shortly after, quite abruptly, he said he had to go and we said our goodbyes rather hastily.
Felt like I got slapped in the face real hard for the third time in the day. Well, what a GREAT way to end the night.
I decided to call it a day and left the building, thinking that I should catch a cab home and charge it to the company.
It was pouring outside in the dark, cold and windy wintry night and there was a long beeline queue at the taxi stand. I figured I could probably get home faster by train. Besides, I could do with a brisk walk in the rain and head towards the shopping malls to soak up the bustling energy from the late night shopping crowd and catch a train from there. I took a deep breath and walked on briskly, as usual musing to myself and began getting inspired to come up with pseudo philosophies of life from today's suffering of my bruised egos.
I came up with a few ideas and they are definitely not original ideas at all.
1)When one is not so hard up for something, one would have a lesser likelihood of feeling like one has just been slapped in the face/ ego bruised. I was applying this theory to my failed property bid and also about the brusque phone treatment by Nano.
2)If one is thicker skinned and don't take things too hard, nothing could get to you (for better or for worse). I was applying this to my stupidity with the boss and also the phone conversation with Nano.
Halfway towards my destination in the rain, I received an sms.
We are meeting someone now that's why had to go.
Perhaps to redeem himself a little. Or maybe he remembered that I mentioned to him how I have this massive phone phobia. The last time many, many moons ago (must be at least 2 months now), I called him on a Friday night on my way back home in the cab from partying, it was his 11pm and he told me that he had to go to bed after like a minutes' conversation. I was so ego bruised by him I later told him during our happier and chummier times some 3 weeks ago, only to be confessed by him I had actually got him at a really bad time. You see, he was really gettting ready to go to bed not by himself but with the ex-girlfriend (whom he should have spent more time wooing back in their last date some two weeks ago but instead, he utilised a bit of time talking to her about yours truly here and this girl had asked him to convey her "hello" to me. I told him it wasn't the best move.).
Well, am I glad that it's Friday tomorrow but guess the week is really done when I manage to get my feet out of the office. Tomorrow morning, I need to sit down with the boss (having been given firm instructions to triple check my work before I sit down with her) and I pray that the work I have done for yet another colleague (a perfectionist/ rainmaker who is the boss's right-hand woman and whom I have incur her discontent a month or two ago with the negative karma mirrored back to me that caused me enough grief to contemplate a move) is good enough for her to prevent pulling an all-nighter tonight as she takes my work home to review in preparation for tomorrow's client meeting.
Again for the nth time tomorrow, I take a deep breath as I enter the Tower of Power on yet another morning, holding my breath and walking the tight rope, staying alert and contemplating what possible battles I need to fight to keep alive for the day...
P, stay alert! Not another slap in the face lest you grow numb and useless...
Friday, June 08, 2007
Some things never change...
My beloved M turned 24 years old last weekend.
Yes, last weekend where my dog had her 10th birthday, I nearly pulled the trigger on my long term relationship with DL and when Nano started acting cold since then and have not (and I presume will not) turn back (a case of getting rational too fast too soon).
It was definitely an eventful weekend with DL and Fluffball taking first priority in my mind.
As for M, I was careful to suppress bitter sweet memories. After all, they were a thing of the past. For the nth time, I ask myself, "What's the point?"
Nevertheless, I emailed him a short Happy Birthday.
Just got a reply. He had spent the week in Bueno Aires and has just got back to Santiago.
He has stopped asking or sussing out my relationship status since the last time a few weeks ago. I didn't leave him to guess- told him things are still the way it was since we parted in Singapore.
I wonder who he went to Bueno Aires with. Why should I care who, I ask myself? Stupid P!
He never fails to put me in a strangely emotionally teary place even now. It seems like all I could ever remember of us are the tears and my pain. And most poignantly, his tender hugs and kisses that would continue to haunt me till the end of time in that Parisian apartment at Le Marais on that beautiful Saturday morning in Autumn 2004 that somehow found its way back to my heart in Singapore 2005/2006...
He had turned 21 when we met("you are lying," I said when we first met as I didn't know any better)and now he is 24.
He must be the second man who is ever so capable of turning a fiesty P into an emotional bag of tears after DL. But somehow, it's a different set of tears. Not frustration, just pain. Pain that we could never be.
Isn't it about time the ghost be exorcised?
My beloved M turned 24 years old last weekend.
Yes, last weekend where my dog had her 10th birthday, I nearly pulled the trigger on my long term relationship with DL and when Nano started acting cold since then and have not (and I presume will not) turn back (a case of getting rational too fast too soon).
It was definitely an eventful weekend with DL and Fluffball taking first priority in my mind.
As for M, I was careful to suppress bitter sweet memories. After all, they were a thing of the past. For the nth time, I ask myself, "What's the point?"
Nevertheless, I emailed him a short Happy Birthday.
Just got a reply. He had spent the week in Bueno Aires and has just got back to Santiago.
He has stopped asking or sussing out my relationship status since the last time a few weeks ago. I didn't leave him to guess- told him things are still the way it was since we parted in Singapore.
I wonder who he went to Bueno Aires with. Why should I care who, I ask myself? Stupid P!
He never fails to put me in a strangely emotionally teary place even now. It seems like all I could ever remember of us are the tears and my pain. And most poignantly, his tender hugs and kisses that would continue to haunt me till the end of time in that Parisian apartment at Le Marais on that beautiful Saturday morning in Autumn 2004 that somehow found its way back to my heart in Singapore 2005/2006...
He had turned 21 when we met("you are lying," I said when we first met as I didn't know any better)and now he is 24.
He must be the second man who is ever so capable of turning a fiesty P into an emotional bag of tears after DL. But somehow, it's a different set of tears. Not frustration, just pain. Pain that we could never be.
Isn't it about time the ghost be exorcised?
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Finding Light
Have you ever have days where you think you are winning the day and then something hits you in one fell sweep and before you know it, your “high” takes a domino-style dive that fast escalates you into a dark and gloomy place?
If you haven’t, welcome to my world. I exist in that part of the world where I am constantly battling against the wave of grey emotions within this shady landscape of my life.
I was clearly doing great at work yesterday- I held my fort well and added value to the team.
Then I received that call from DL.
We started chatting and my mood took a dive.
I am too weary at this stage to talk about it again.
The mention of Fluffball’s tenth birthday this weekend was the first trigger of my pain and melancholy. No, the three of us were not to be spending time together. You see, we have some serious money issues.
Petrol is going up at $1.50 per litre, DL said. It reminded me of our poor struggling student days except I think it is worse since it has turned into a financial concern for us at both our current ages- one in late twenties, another in early thirties. I felt pathetic and I am not even a blue-collar worker. Then I checked my bank account and realised that I have only $6.70 to spend till the next payday two weeks away. I have not even paid my rent yet. Great!
I felt like shit because obviously yours truly here has not got a financial grip on her spending.
Then there were other expectations to return to the place where our joint abode is this weekend. A very close friend has just given birth and Gof, my male buddy was expecting me to go back to celebrate his birthday.
I have no money for presents and I am supposed to make a lot more money than my friends.
What hits me really was not being there for my dog. I must make a bad mother. My heart started aching and my emotions just went downhill.
*****
Later that night, while I was still hard at work at my desk, I bumped into Nano online.
I told him I was depressed.
“I happen to be in a good mood and am going to play my computer game. Ciao.”
Later on, he went on to pay me lip service when I logged off good night.
“Hope you will feel better. Good night.”
What ever happen to the finesse and affection he had for me the whole of last week till the start of the week?
It must have been that he had in the week met someone new during his after work happy hours and post his sms, after coming from a “high” with me on our online story telling game, which he wished was real. I went on to remind him that I have a boyfriend. When he got his senses back the next day, he smsed,"I’m sorry it (the story) has to end. I cannot have you in the flesh. 6 rounds. Good night.”
And I thought a friend in need is a friend indeed.
****
Late last night, DL and I talked again after he finished work past midnight.
It started off very amicably and lovey-dovey despite my disappointment that the weekend was not happening for us.
I have had a long week at work, working on rather sexy deals and have been dying to talk to someone i.e. the man of my life about it. I look to find someone whom I could share my thoughts about my work and passion with and vice versa.
DL was never the obvious choice- he could barely remember the name of my firm. But recently, he had learnt to take a greater interest as it has always been me pushing him on in finding his passion or a career path. With a man like him, I understand my role as a driver and motivator in his life, I couldn’t find an equal in him. At least, not just yet until he finds that niche for himself and then I could support and work alongside him and quit my day job. Again, my life would have to be built around him to seek that equality.
I started telling him about work.
“Darling, today I got an inspiration at work where I think I might just find the opportunity to value add myself to the team,” I talked excitedly.
I heard my own voice.
There was no response on his end. It was too delayed.
“Hey, I am talking you. Did you hear what I’ve just said?”
“Ahh…”
“Are you watching the telly?”
“Yeah. Baby, did you watch that news about that Italian comedian…”
“Yeah and someone in the crowd asked her if she farts right?”
“Yeah… my god, I can’t believe…”
“Hey, do you know that I was talking to you about something serious before…?
It was about my work and what’s happening on my end…”
“Yeah, I know. But after a hard day’s work, I sometimes just want to come back and relax and watch TV.”
“But do you realise that there are no other times I could catch you since by the time you finish work, I would already be in bed?
Can you see that I am trying to inform you about what’s happening in my life since every time I ask you about your work, you say it’s the same and nothing new or exciting is happening on your front?
Can you see that I am trying to help us come together as quickly as possible and to stay in sync?”
My voice was weary and it betrayed my suppressed tone of an impending breakdown. Tears were brimming my eyes.
I felt weak and helpless- like I couldn’t find the strength in me to care anymore.
Recently, my emotions have been poorly. The whole week I felt like the littlelest thing was enough to tip me over and I would be reduced to a bag of tears.
I have been running a one-man show for two far too long.
It must be wearing me down.
It was at the tip of my tongue to say those final words.
There was a long pause between us.
“Why don’t I let you continue watching TV? I better go.”
Then I hung up.
****
It is definitely the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I have had a big week with lots of exciting things happening on at work. I was bursting to confide in someone. By that I mean to feel that I could have a two-way communication with the man who is supposedly going to be my Designated Love because I envision spending many an exciting moment with that life partner- breathing, talking and getting excited about deals and things that we might one day jointly share passion with. That has been my intention to give him support for all that he wants to do in his life and work towards it, saving for that capital to break myself free from the shackles of the corporate world.
I thought for once, I could lend his support in the form of a listening ear.
Especially so last night- for some reason, towards the end of my day, I felt like if I was at home at that moment, I could let myself loose and bawl into my pillow.
But instead, I fought back my brimming tears, like how I always do it, except this time I didn’t have it in me to pull that mock smile to instil within myself a sense of confidence that I could cope with the world…
He was so lame.
What about me? I felt like asking. When did I ever get rest and put up my legs and take a backseat in this relationship?
I have tried so hard for us- do you know? Our relationship and my struggle has broken me apart a million pieces and I have to constantly pick myself up and have faith! All my positive talking to motivate you- do you know it has taken so much out of me? Do you know that I am no longer what you might know because somewhere along the way in my struggle to keep us together, the roads have diverged and I have taken other little excursions to take a breather from this long march?
Things you might never know…
****
At 7pm on a Friday night, I was the last second to leave the office. You see, I was entrusted with an important task that found me standing by the security bin shredding documents before things might potentially disfavour us.
A senior partner (there exist an undercurrent between him and us) eyed me from a distance forebodingly. As usual, he was observing me it seems with some dark thoughts in his head.
“Good night, P.” He shouted across from where he was.
“Good night, Y.”
I continued with my task.
He continued standing there for a good five seconds, staring at me, like he meant to say something.
I looked up in his direction and looked at him, with a half smile. He always has a way of staring at me in an attempt to intimidate.
Then he finally spoke in his confidential tone with a nod.
“Take care of yourself first.”
I knew what he was getting at.
“I will.” I replied light-heartedly.
Words of wisdom there- I am sure.
I figured I could do with applying it not only to my professional life but also, my emotional life.
Have you ever have days where you think you are winning the day and then something hits you in one fell sweep and before you know it, your “high” takes a domino-style dive that fast escalates you into a dark and gloomy place?
If you haven’t, welcome to my world. I exist in that part of the world where I am constantly battling against the wave of grey emotions within this shady landscape of my life.
I was clearly doing great at work yesterday- I held my fort well and added value to the team.
Then I received that call from DL.
We started chatting and my mood took a dive.
I am too weary at this stage to talk about it again.
The mention of Fluffball’s tenth birthday this weekend was the first trigger of my pain and melancholy. No, the three of us were not to be spending time together. You see, we have some serious money issues.
Petrol is going up at $1.50 per litre, DL said. It reminded me of our poor struggling student days except I think it is worse since it has turned into a financial concern for us at both our current ages- one in late twenties, another in early thirties. I felt pathetic and I am not even a blue-collar worker. Then I checked my bank account and realised that I have only $6.70 to spend till the next payday two weeks away. I have not even paid my rent yet. Great!
I felt like shit because obviously yours truly here has not got a financial grip on her spending.
Then there were other expectations to return to the place where our joint abode is this weekend. A very close friend has just given birth and Gof, my male buddy was expecting me to go back to celebrate his birthday.
I have no money for presents and I am supposed to make a lot more money than my friends.
What hits me really was not being there for my dog. I must make a bad mother. My heart started aching and my emotions just went downhill.
*****
Later that night, while I was still hard at work at my desk, I bumped into Nano online.
I told him I was depressed.
“I happen to be in a good mood and am going to play my computer game. Ciao.”
Later on, he went on to pay me lip service when I logged off good night.
“Hope you will feel better. Good night.”
What ever happen to the finesse and affection he had for me the whole of last week till the start of the week?
It must have been that he had in the week met someone new during his after work happy hours and post his sms, after coming from a “high” with me on our online story telling game, which he wished was real. I went on to remind him that I have a boyfriend. When he got his senses back the next day, he smsed,"I’m sorry it (the story) has to end. I cannot have you in the flesh. 6 rounds. Good night.”
And I thought a friend in need is a friend indeed.
****
Late last night, DL and I talked again after he finished work past midnight.
It started off very amicably and lovey-dovey despite my disappointment that the weekend was not happening for us.
I have had a long week at work, working on rather sexy deals and have been dying to talk to someone i.e. the man of my life about it. I look to find someone whom I could share my thoughts about my work and passion with and vice versa.
DL was never the obvious choice- he could barely remember the name of my firm. But recently, he had learnt to take a greater interest as it has always been me pushing him on in finding his passion or a career path. With a man like him, I understand my role as a driver and motivator in his life, I couldn’t find an equal in him. At least, not just yet until he finds that niche for himself and then I could support and work alongside him and quit my day job. Again, my life would have to be built around him to seek that equality.
I started telling him about work.
“Darling, today I got an inspiration at work where I think I might just find the opportunity to value add myself to the team,” I talked excitedly.
I heard my own voice.
There was no response on his end. It was too delayed.
“Hey, I am talking you. Did you hear what I’ve just said?”
“Ahh…”
“Are you watching the telly?”
“Yeah. Baby, did you watch that news about that Italian comedian…”
“Yeah and someone in the crowd asked her if she farts right?”
“Yeah… my god, I can’t believe…”
“Hey, do you know that I was talking to you about something serious before…?
It was about my work and what’s happening on my end…”
“Yeah, I know. But after a hard day’s work, I sometimes just want to come back and relax and watch TV.”
“But do you realise that there are no other times I could catch you since by the time you finish work, I would already be in bed?
Can you see that I am trying to inform you about what’s happening in my life since every time I ask you about your work, you say it’s the same and nothing new or exciting is happening on your front?
Can you see that I am trying to help us come together as quickly as possible and to stay in sync?”
My voice was weary and it betrayed my suppressed tone of an impending breakdown. Tears were brimming my eyes.
I felt weak and helpless- like I couldn’t find the strength in me to care anymore.
Recently, my emotions have been poorly. The whole week I felt like the littlelest thing was enough to tip me over and I would be reduced to a bag of tears.
I have been running a one-man show for two far too long.
It must be wearing me down.
It was at the tip of my tongue to say those final words.
There was a long pause between us.
“Why don’t I let you continue watching TV? I better go.”
Then I hung up.
****
It is definitely the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I have had a big week with lots of exciting things happening on at work. I was bursting to confide in someone. By that I mean to feel that I could have a two-way communication with the man who is supposedly going to be my Designated Love because I envision spending many an exciting moment with that life partner- breathing, talking and getting excited about deals and things that we might one day jointly share passion with. That has been my intention to give him support for all that he wants to do in his life and work towards it, saving for that capital to break myself free from the shackles of the corporate world.
I thought for once, I could lend his support in the form of a listening ear.
Especially so last night- for some reason, towards the end of my day, I felt like if I was at home at that moment, I could let myself loose and bawl into my pillow.
But instead, I fought back my brimming tears, like how I always do it, except this time I didn’t have it in me to pull that mock smile to instil within myself a sense of confidence that I could cope with the world…
He was so lame.
What about me? I felt like asking. When did I ever get rest and put up my legs and take a backseat in this relationship?
I have tried so hard for us- do you know? Our relationship and my struggle has broken me apart a million pieces and I have to constantly pick myself up and have faith! All my positive talking to motivate you- do you know it has taken so much out of me? Do you know that I am no longer what you might know because somewhere along the way in my struggle to keep us together, the roads have diverged and I have taken other little excursions to take a breather from this long march?
Things you might never know…
****
At 7pm on a Friday night, I was the last second to leave the office. You see, I was entrusted with an important task that found me standing by the security bin shredding documents before things might potentially disfavour us.
A senior partner (there exist an undercurrent between him and us) eyed me from a distance forebodingly. As usual, he was observing me it seems with some dark thoughts in his head.
“Good night, P.” He shouted across from where he was.
“Good night, Y.”
I continued with my task.
He continued standing there for a good five seconds, staring at me, like he meant to say something.
I looked up in his direction and looked at him, with a half smile. He always has a way of staring at me in an attempt to intimidate.
Then he finally spoke in his confidential tone with a nod.
“Take care of yourself first.”
I knew what he was getting at.
“I will.” I replied light-heartedly.
Words of wisdom there- I am sure.
I figured I could do with applying it not only to my professional life but also, my emotional life.
