Sunday, November 12, 2006
I am about to post the following entry dedicated just to you. It is written in parts as it has taken me a while to try crafting and perfecting my thoughts into words. I have only managed to edit the first part to a satisfactory standard because for some reason, I was inspired to keep up the hours into early this morning to kick off that mental rigour that was necessarily to enable my words to flow a little better.
I undertake writing these entries regarding the possibilities of our intimate interaction much rather seriously for an underlying reason mainly understood only to myself to date. I figured that to have picked you out as "the" chosen partner-in-crime to mark an important rite of my intellectual passage, you must be quite a very special man.
Given the alteration of circumstances correlating to the fast diminishing of our joint possibilities, my rather candidly expressed entries proffer you with clues of my being and how you might have been able to inspire me to lift my intellectual/spiritual awareness to that next level that I sought to find in my travels, my social interactions with people and in my life. You know, the 'high" from the intellectual/ mental/ creative breakthroughs that artistes talk about and as a dilettante with an inclination to dabble in such larger-than-life disciplines, for some reason, I had a sneaking suspicion you might just be it where we first met and in my semi- intoxicated state, I was seriously enjoying my conversation with you.
Take heed, DilettanteP is not a socialble personality by nature but a product of that nurture. And in that, she holds that instinct to adhere to social protocol. And so she rouses herself to be interested in other people's affairs but only very often, really to be listening out for ingenious ideas and wordplay to better educate herself and prepare for that big break in her life...
To finally live life on her own terms and feel it.
And yes, the coming posts is dedicated as much to you as to celebrate that honesty in me, I must again emphasize that you are quite that special gentleman. I did truly enjoy and appreciate your electronic presence as you have led me to embark on titillating trips that has further broaden my sense of life.
Cheers (to the excesses of life),
DilettanteP
*****
"Surrender can require just as much strength as resistance. It brings relief and freedom and enlightenment. And often the higher ground, with the grace of it."
*****
BUYING TIME
Part I
The notion of buying someone else’s time intrigues P. That mere idea in that raw power found inherent in one’s ability to thematically dominate another person’s moment. That life’s moment- never to be retrieved, like youth lost. This is theultimate pricelessness.
She was in the conviction to hand this power over to him without a fight. The implications are significant to her. But he did not know.
*****
P has a philosophy about living a life enriched with intense experiences, be it through the choice of excessiveness or great restraint. Most importantly, the experiences should heighten the awareness of one’s own emotions at that moment, capturing the raw essence. And perhaps one can then be able to empathise with one’s own soul from the kaleidescope of moods and feelings that might be inevitably evoked. Such experiences will only arise through one’s interaction with another being and often, through social experimentation. She is hereby in the firm belief to only form meaningful relationships; in her case, meaningful affairs. After all, she is a resolute ship that has taken up permanent anchorage at her designated harbour. Before, every so often, she would take a drifting excursion as she sought greater comfort from the choppy seas where she felt that she had once again re-gain her old soul. But this time, more so than other occasions, she needed to know that it would be deemed the worthy journey.
Sometime ago, P had decided to bestow upon a certain gentleman the exclusive privilege of entering her world. In that, she would make him the patron of her dark erotic tales whom she would write solely for. That imminent moment had finally arrived and she had identified him to be the one after a couple of false starts. The one- she deemed him an equal, if not a higher being with sophistication in his nimble thought processes (which she very much respects), combined with an indulgent curiosity to mastering the fine art of carnal pleasure (which the notion thrills her to no end as a debauched). It is a given that he is a known ladies’ man who plays the field. However, hinted by an underlying apathy for the affairs of the heart (his writing style laced with romanticized nuances that is carefully balanced with his other humorously wicked thoughts to suggest a certain worldliness and possibly to deflect that self- consciousness in his display of literary gymnastics), akin to the nostalgic sensitivity of a boy who has just tasted the sins of the flesh for the first time with his first love and possessing a disarming vulnerability hinted in that charms he exudes to impress, which begs to suggest his sub-conscious desire to be loved (more than his typical male-sized ego would probably admit), the gentleman appears to retain this aura of innocence that stokes P’s interest. Through her observations and gut feeling, she is most certain that she has finally identified that presence in him as the fit, that ideal which she has sought for the paramount experience of taking a lover.
There is a little [insert name of man in question] in each and everyone of us. Read Casanova/ Incorrigible Flirt with that underlying need to be desired as an attention-seeker or/and as an exposed being. That thought always puts a smirk on her face. He reminds P of her in that bad way. ;)
There is something boy-like about him. After all, boys will be boys. Peel off that elevated status and powered persona he dons as a corporate high flyer, as a deal-maker and as a society man with an encyclopedic knowledge ranging from gastronomy to tasteful living to the profound technicalities of the gentleman’s sport called golf to his artful sensibilities as a wordsmith; and beneath all that, he still retains that ever inquisitive young soul of a boy.
Big Boy, she calls him. That alpha male associated in the great big racy world of vices, temptations and superficialities with his male bonding sessions in that clique-ish high society Big Boys’ Club.
Grown up. But ironically, he is really still a boyin her opinion. Therein, lies the first instant appeal of Big Boy to P.
*****
