Restructure- on your own terms

Giving up

on life is how I feel like at the moment.

Why can't I lead a normal life?

I get the sense that I have more trials and tribulations in my life enough to last some in a lifetime.

At age 31, I seriously feel like my life is over.

Game over. Literally.

I am tired.

You can do it, Della said. Because you are a strong person.

But I don't want to be a strong person, I told her.

I just want a normal life.

Like a fucking peaceful one not fraud with financial crisises or emotional crises most of the time.

Today, DL insisted I see a doctor, on one of my rare days off.

So we went and I had to enquire discreetly if there is enough money in his bank account for me to see one, bearing in mind it was Saturday plus the number of drugs and ointments the doctor had prescribed for me to buy at the chemist.

I am feeling sick and depressed at the moment.

Just feel like crying out loud.

This week we made around $1600. Most of the money gone to bills, bills and more bills.

So fucking over it.

Thing is I have nowhere to go or to run to.

Gotta face the issue squarely in the face.

Except the issue is money and there is only this much we can bring in at the moment.

Next week is a relatively quiet week. I have got DL to write and follow up with clients for extra services we could offer them. We need to make that budget to pay bills.

Shits me to no end.

I feel like I am losing control.

I am losing patience and I am about to give up.

I can't do this anymore.

I really can't.

Whilst the prospects wait for me to help change their lives (fuck them for not having the finances!), who's going to help turn my fortunes around?

I AM SO FUCKING OVER THEM AND MY LIFE AT THE MOMENT.

SHOW ME THE MONEY BEFORE U COME LOOK ME UP, DUMBASSES!!!!!

URRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!

Life at Present

is one fucked up mess.

We are at the brink of bankruptcy.

It's time to walk away from the business-$300,000 spent.

With an impending marketing bill due in a week, we had little choice but to contact our folks on what to do.

Our folks, particularly mine said it's time to move on. Forget about it. Such is business- either you win or lose.

He wasn't going to pay for my marketing bills. He said but I would pay for your legal fees if things turn ugly.

We have been keeping afloat from working hard on our other business, doing menial work. We are knackered from 12-hour days, me having to change into professional business wear in between menial jobs to fit in presentations and follow ups.

The money we made in a day is easily what a salaried office employee might take home in a week. Except we don't get a chance to enjoy the fruits of our labour- more money to go to paying our surmounting marketing debts and credit card bills.

And now I am getting rashes all over me-not even enough money for me to see a GP here-given that there aren't many bulk billing clinics left in town. My ears are itching like mad from allergies of the chemicals I work with.

I am honestly not made for menial tasks- at age 31, I feel like I must be catching on all the years of household chores that I never did all fitted into 3 months.

Fucked up, my life is. I don't know how much worse it can get.

I never counted on my life to be so even after so much financial help to restructure my life.

And much worse, the thought of finding a job and writing a CV daunts me. I never counted on having to ask for a good reference from my old world. I thought I could seriously move on.

Loser! That's how I am feeling now.

My ears are itching and burning with discomfort, so are my fingers hurting with deep cuts from my cracked skin.

Plus Physically and mentally burnt out each day.

I feel like crying out loud.

Why don't heaven just deal me a death blow?

I am so over my life at the moment.

I've been wondering...

whilst the world is going about their business, myself included, what's happening in your life?

So my blog tells half stories of my life, a journal of sorts and a kind of update about how I am (sort of) keeping to people who care or are just curious or are just passing by, I wonder where do I go to if I care to or am curious or just want to (tres)pass to find yours?

I am getting comfy just being passive.

Always wondering, stay wondering...

Like someone asking a rhetorical question.

Reply Email to the Older Sibling

HI Older Sibling,

at least u still got money... we have none and is owing Boom money and there's more to come... fucking head office keep slappping us with invoices for ads thats not yielding results for us- another $3000+ due soon not to mention other things...

frankly I am quite over my life at the moment... that day,Boom like try to sia ma wei (threaten) us since he feels that we are placing more emphasis on the cleaning biz when i mention the one car issue... I wasnt scared either and told him seriously if I have to consider walking away from the regional master biz, I juz mite given the surmounting bills... think he didnt see that coming thinking I wd be scared... but really, I have nthg to lose cos already lost so much, now its freaking damage control!

I am feeling tired and quite frankly, over it... so many obstacles with the pp who can't wait to start but with no money... I feel so suay(unlucky) and it juz feels like a tunnel where I am never going to see the light and I am plodding along... DL is the same but I am trying to keep my thots to myself lest he goes on ranting abt it which he does from time to time abt how he dun believe the system wks etc etc... I am so over it...

It's funny how when one feels so exhausted, one has no fear... I dun even feel scared abt not being able to repay mum and dad... its strange... its like I cd juz give up here and now... fucking over it!

and what is also fucking bothering me at the moment is that my entire collection of fashion creations from the 1st old hse is officially missing! Juz fucking breaks my heart...we went to maximo's hse to get our stuff back, thinking it is there (last place) and it isn't!!! and I have a sinking feeling the only place my stuff cd be is at St vinnie's when I dispose of half my wadrobe but I quite remember I did check thru all my grandma bags! It really gets me on top of the other probs I have...

I so need a hol and I dun know when I cd even afford one or go home... lately I have been feeling super negative like I am so over it and I fucking care... I can't even describe to u... sigh....

anyways enuff of my ranting... I think juz do what u like esp if u can afford it-life is too short to hesitate...

honestly, whenever I re-access my options, if I had known how much mum and dad cd lent me, I shd juz hv bought that commercial property on Main st in Peace Town and collect rent, if not set up a resto... at least we wldnt be in such a fucking sorry state... sigh... ah well, no pt regretting I guess and I am not one to regret in my life, except funnily, I am beginning to regret all my life choices...

I shd juz have gone back to fashion school, learn to sew properly and do sthg that I really love!

Sorry Older Sibling for dumping on u-one I start writing it juz opens up a can of worms...

P

Sad News

I was so broke today. It's not funny.

DL informs me that we haven't got enough to pay for rent plus all the bills due at the end of the week.

I found myself taking a long hot shower and thinking. Thinking.

I remember my very good friend, Goof. He is the only one in Sad Town with savings and a trusted confidante who witnessed my old life in Paris. He is the only one I can barely tear my face down and remotely asked if I could borrow some money. Bearing in mind he is due to go on a big World Cup trip in South Africa that cost him $10k and more, a new girlfriend whom he has been spending shitloads of money and an outstanding amount he had lent to Daisy who takes forever to return. I would be an unexpected financial outlay to him. Goof is a careful man who plans and budgets.

So I sent him a text. Told him I was in dire straits and I seriously don't know who to turn to so I have this massive favour to ask of him. $1200 is the sum (ironically, it used to be what it would have easily cost for my get up to look chic on my nights out).

Within seconds, he replied to my sms. Ok, when would you like it? he asked.

I started crying. I don't know why. I feel so touched and at the same time, embarrassed with myself for being in the state we are in.

I have never felt so low in my life. No matter how broke we are, we always managed to find food on the table and Fluffball always had the best. This week she ran out of her Science Diet canned food. We are too afraid to even buy the usual carton that we typically buy because every cent counts. Literally. She could only have her Royal Canin biscuits for fussy breeds mixed with My Dog gourmet food. No science diet in the mix, definitely no sashimi in her diet. She had lived better days.

"The only happy thing in our lives," DL would declare each day we get home and straight to the Fluffball he would embrace and cradle her in his arms, like a baby.

Indeed, she is the only happy little thing in our lives that gives us this warm fuzzy feeling of home and warmth.

It's hard to describe.

*****

In other news, my heart was shattered 2 days ago when I officially come to the conclusion that my entire collection of fashion creations (some 20 or more pieces of outfit) has gone missing. AWOL.

They are nowhere to be found and last seen in my last last residence and which I thought was stuffed into some old bags and left in a friend's storeroom. Only that we have finally gone to retrieve all our old stuff and not a sight of that bag to be found. Ironically, just that bag.

In such desperate times and with an upcoming opportunity in Sad Town to showcase and sell my fashion creations in a retail shop set up for handmade designers, I am in need of stock. Suddenly, parting with my ware becomes a necessity. Those old stock must be worth a couple of grand, at least.

I try not to dwell to hard because my heart is unable to undergo anymore stress tests. I am careful and mindful that I am not heading into my own state of high anxiety levels. I simply can't allow myself to.

If not, what is left of my fighting spirit?

I am tired of struggling but it seems to be the story of my life.

At age 31, my life feels like a landslide.

Mistaken Identity

It is uncanny how one gets mistaken for one's namesake.

So there I was mistakenly being tagged to some photos that didn't belong to me.

We have the same name, surname and at one stage, we had exactly the same profession.

I mean exactly. We even covered the same industry in that profession.

But what never fails to amaze me is that we had even slept with the same man.

Although at a different time in our lives.

Now I wonder what has happen to him?