Monday, January 28, 2008
I swear...
one more squeeze of pain I experience in my heart, I might really just lose it.
I hate the suffering of heart palpitations.
My nerves hang frail in limbo.
My restlessness scares me.
Maybe that's why I love to extend and exhaust myself during Social Season so I have little time to think or fall.
*****
That Friday evening when I laid in bed next to the Old Boy restless, I thought I was about to lose it. He turned to look at me.
I was frowning and my tears were breaming in my eyes.
"You know I have a problem right?"
He nodded.
He climbed on top of me and hugged me tight.
He knew it was about DL.
"Have you ever sometimes wake up wishing that you never have to wake up?"
He nodded his head.
"Why?"
"Because..."
"Because of what you are doing to your wife?"
He nodded sadly.
"You know Sweetheart, we always think that we will never find The One again after a break up..."
"But it's true. That's why you are the way you are now. You never found that true love..."
"It's not true, sweetheart..."
I was tearing. He buried his face in the pillow.
*****
I remember that sensation when I went under the knife twice six and seven years or so ago. The general anesthesia gradually got the better of me and I was slowly drifting into that deep sound slumber. For the first time in a long while, I had no dreams and a rested sleep. It was a great floating feeling.I wished I never had to be awakened because like life, I always have to wake up to a(n undesired) reality or an aftermath...
Those doses of anesthesia were pure bliss...
*****
Today I got hit again by that heart squeeze.
I couldn't make my ability to rationalise work properly. Of late, I was able to cope better but today, I cannot make it function the way I like.
Right now, I can't even answer my own "why am I feeling this way" question. Neither would I allow myself to dwell too deeply in it either.
My entire afternoon got ruined by Someone and I can't even put my finger on the specifics on which part of the conversation didn't go too well for me.
*****
Oh Koran, I think I need you. Perhaps you could recommend me the best of your magic pills to send me straight out to that Outer Space you seemed so happy to get lost in at Berkeley?
one more squeeze of pain I experience in my heart, I might really just lose it.
I hate the suffering of heart palpitations.
My nerves hang frail in limbo.
My restlessness scares me.
Maybe that's why I love to extend and exhaust myself during Social Season so I have little time to think or fall.
*****
That Friday evening when I laid in bed next to the Old Boy restless, I thought I was about to lose it. He turned to look at me.
I was frowning and my tears were breaming in my eyes.
"You know I have a problem right?"
He nodded.
He climbed on top of me and hugged me tight.
He knew it was about DL.
"Have you ever sometimes wake up wishing that you never have to wake up?"
He nodded his head.
"Why?"
"Because..."
"Because of what you are doing to your wife?"
He nodded sadly.
"You know Sweetheart, we always think that we will never find The One again after a break up..."
"But it's true. That's why you are the way you are now. You never found that true love..."
"It's not true, sweetheart..."
I was tearing. He buried his face in the pillow.
*****
I remember that sensation when I went under the knife twice six and seven years or so ago. The general anesthesia gradually got the better of me and I was slowly drifting into that deep sound slumber. For the first time in a long while, I had no dreams and a rested sleep. It was a great floating feeling.I wished I never had to be awakened because like life, I always have to wake up to a(n undesired) reality or an aftermath...
Those doses of anesthesia were pure bliss...
*****
Today I got hit again by that heart squeeze.
I couldn't make my ability to rationalise work properly. Of late, I was able to cope better but today, I cannot make it function the way I like.
Right now, I can't even answer my own "why am I feeling this way" question. Neither would I allow myself to dwell too deeply in it either.
My entire afternoon got ruined by Someone and I can't even put my finger on the specifics on which part of the conversation didn't go too well for me.
*****
Oh Koran, I think I need you. Perhaps you could recommend me the best of your magic pills to send me straight out to that Outer Space you seemed so happy to get lost in at Berkeley?
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Past and Present
Sometimes the good old sentimental me like to dig up old emails to have a read through. Time has past and I just realised that the Old Boy and I have exchanged a good 400 emails or so in the past year.
*****
From: Old Boy
Sent: Monday, 4 June 2007 1:12:34 AM
To: DilettanteP
ok, sorry for being and saying hurtful things to you. perhaps not as
considerate about your feelings and emotions and i'm truly sorry. anyway,
you know that i do this so that you can evaluate yourself right, but this is
not an excuse to be insensitive towards you.
sometimes, i get frustrated too...i guess...again not an excuse ok?
frustrated in a sense that we haven't even met and we're only 'pen pals' and
yet so much is demanded from me...or perhaps from you too...and guess what,
we haven't even met. if either of us were to just not reply at all...and
shut down the email and the msn and the blogs...where would we be? how
would we be able to contact each other again? we can't right...at least
without betraying trust that has been bestowed to each other. and would it
be a good reason to betray that trust in confidential information just to
apologise or get back together again?
i have often wondered how i would get in touch with you again should i lose
contact with you. guess i could grovel to ex close fuck buddy and ask her to ask her sis
etc. i would probably explain everything to her and she'd understand.
hahaha...yeah, she'll understand me...and she'd help too...hahha
but once again, i am sorry for hurting you...in the past, the present and in
the future. becos i'm sure i would do it again...perhaps consciously but
perhaps sub consciously...please do not hesitate to let me know if i have
over stepped the lines and to the point where i am making you cry. geez...i
hate it when women cry...makes me damn vulnerable and would do anything (yes,
anything) to make them stop.
anyway, i'm sure you've forgiven me already...and a thousand times over and
over again. thanks for being so understanding...and perhaps it is the sign
i needed to fuel my 'satisfaction quotient' eh? that even though i have
hurt you, you're still there for me and with me. yes, our relationship has
stood the tests of many a tribulations eh? but we keep coming back for
more...perhaps words are enough to make a relationship last. words are
enough...aren't they?
best
Old Boy
*****
(An email excerpt)
From: Old Boy
Sent: Friday, 14 December 2007 1:47:01 AM
To: DilettanteP
dearest p,
…. …….
another thing i wrote this morning was how much i missed chatting with you. not that i am a glutton for punishment or i like the advice you dish out so freely but i just miss you as a friend. i miss chatting with you and our long letters that we used to write to each other. we should really publish the letters one of these days. they're good. thot about reading them again too...just for old times sake. we really used to communicate. guess everything is finite right? ran out of words to say to each other. so what's next?
……..
******
(One of the sms messages that came followed by the phone call)
19/1/08
"I said some things I wish I cud take back. Its becos i was hurt. Our tryst was not supposed 2 affect our online relationship. You're still my best friend. Miss u."
******
(An email excerpt)
From: DilettanteP
Sent: 23 January 2008
To: Old Boy
Dear Old Boy,
Go re-read your email to me below. Isn't it strange that that was some 6 or 7 weeks ago that you wrote me that prior to our meeting? Seems like eons ago. I have been thinking too that I am getting a tad nostalgic with our past communications. Its been a long while since we wrote each other, not because the words or things we got to say are finite but guess the lack of time and the sense of familiarity we have over the course of our friendship (graduating into msn and perhaps now post meeting and sex) have made us a little “lazy” in interacting in the old fashioned lyrical way of electronic correspondence. We stopped trying to make more effort. Believe you me I absolutely miss those days…
Last weekend, I took some time out to re-read our initial email correspondence during the March and April months. I must say that we were definitely more in sync as total strangers than anything else in being good at second-guessing each other. We were like long lost twins or the 2 missing jigsaws that fit together perfectly…;) Yes, one day I shall publish them like how in the olden days, love letters of some literary greats are published! heh!
….. …… …..
Which brings me to you- I could never be too mad at you btw no matter what… cos you are like a friend or brother to me… we quarrel and then we forget the next day…and that we’ll keep that affection for each other forever and the day… I was suffering so badly when we stopped talking last week and wished I could make it go away cos we never parted off sms/msn on bad terms (at least for too long ie 24hours) cos we’ll always come back and we did. I know I should never have promised you anything although when I did, I really meant it. I just wanted to let the whole thing off even tho you said those hurtful things to me and kept scores so I had to meditate until my Ego was being dispelled!
Funny thing was I was so trying to forget u. and its like fate wanted to play tricks on me. One of our PA was telling me abt the place she is going camping near the coast this long wkend and was all excited abt it. I asked her what this place was called. And guess what? She showed me the pamphlet and it said “(Old Boy’s real name)!” Then the other day last wk, my sis was driving and for the 1st time since we’ve travelled on the rd countless times, we passed a side street that said “(Old Boy’s real name) St”! I didn’t know that your name could be sooooooo commonplace… and near my hse where we enter from the next suburbs, the shopping area there is called “The (Old Boy’s Nickname)” which I pass without fail if I travel in the older sibling’s car to go home! Strange eh???
………..
*****
It’s true. Some things never change. We never get mad at each other for too long.
Not for fuck’s sake but old time friendship’s sake.
We have always been there for each other.
Sometimes the good old sentimental me like to dig up old emails to have a read through. Time has past and I just realised that the Old Boy and I have exchanged a good 400 emails or so in the past year.
*****
From: Old Boy
Sent: Monday, 4 June 2007 1:12:34 AM
To: DilettanteP
ok, sorry for being and saying hurtful things to you. perhaps not as
considerate about your feelings and emotions and i'm truly sorry. anyway,
you know that i do this so that you can evaluate yourself right, but this is
not an excuse to be insensitive towards you.
sometimes, i get frustrated too...i guess...again not an excuse ok?
frustrated in a sense that we haven't even met and we're only 'pen pals' and
yet so much is demanded from me...or perhaps from you too...and guess what,
we haven't even met. if either of us were to just not reply at all...and
shut down the email and the msn and the blogs...where would we be? how
would we be able to contact each other again? we can't right...at least
without betraying trust that has been bestowed to each other. and would it
be a good reason to betray that trust in confidential information just to
apologise or get back together again?
i have often wondered how i would get in touch with you again should i lose
contact with you. guess i could grovel to ex close fuck buddy and ask her to ask her sis
etc. i would probably explain everything to her and she'd understand.
hahaha...yeah, she'll understand me...and she'd help too...hahha
but once again, i am sorry for hurting you...in the past, the present and in
the future. becos i'm sure i would do it again...perhaps consciously but
perhaps sub consciously...please do not hesitate to let me know if i have
over stepped the lines and to the point where i am making you cry. geez...i
hate it when women cry...makes me damn vulnerable and would do anything (yes,
anything) to make them stop.
anyway, i'm sure you've forgiven me already...and a thousand times over and
over again. thanks for being so understanding...and perhaps it is the sign
i needed to fuel my 'satisfaction quotient' eh? that even though i have
hurt you, you're still there for me and with me. yes, our relationship has
stood the tests of many a tribulations eh? but we keep coming back for
more...perhaps words are enough to make a relationship last. words are
enough...aren't they?
best
Old Boy
*****
(An email excerpt)
From: Old Boy
Sent: Friday, 14 December 2007 1:47:01 AM
To: DilettanteP
dearest p,
…. …….
another thing i wrote this morning was how much i missed chatting with you. not that i am a glutton for punishment or i like the advice you dish out so freely but i just miss you as a friend. i miss chatting with you and our long letters that we used to write to each other. we should really publish the letters one of these days. they're good. thot about reading them again too...just for old times sake. we really used to communicate. guess everything is finite right? ran out of words to say to each other. so what's next?
……..
******
(One of the sms messages that came followed by the phone call)
19/1/08
"I said some things I wish I cud take back. Its becos i was hurt. Our tryst was not supposed 2 affect our online relationship. You're still my best friend. Miss u."
******
(An email excerpt)
From: DilettanteP
Sent: 23 January 2008
To: Old Boy
Dear Old Boy,
Go re-read your email to me below. Isn't it strange that that was some 6 or 7 weeks ago that you wrote me that prior to our meeting? Seems like eons ago. I have been thinking too that I am getting a tad nostalgic with our past communications. Its been a long while since we wrote each other, not because the words or things we got to say are finite but guess the lack of time and the sense of familiarity we have over the course of our friendship (graduating into msn and perhaps now post meeting and sex) have made us a little “lazy” in interacting in the old fashioned lyrical way of electronic correspondence. We stopped trying to make more effort. Believe you me I absolutely miss those days…
Last weekend, I took some time out to re-read our initial email correspondence during the March and April months. I must say that we were definitely more in sync as total strangers than anything else in being good at second-guessing each other. We were like long lost twins or the 2 missing jigsaws that fit together perfectly…;) Yes, one day I shall publish them like how in the olden days, love letters of some literary greats are published! heh!
….. …… …..
Which brings me to you- I could never be too mad at you btw no matter what… cos you are like a friend or brother to me… we quarrel and then we forget the next day…and that we’ll keep that affection for each other forever and the day… I was suffering so badly when we stopped talking last week and wished I could make it go away cos we never parted off sms/msn on bad terms (at least for too long ie 24hours) cos we’ll always come back and we did. I know I should never have promised you anything although when I did, I really meant it. I just wanted to let the whole thing off even tho you said those hurtful things to me and kept scores so I had to meditate until my Ego was being dispelled!
Funny thing was I was so trying to forget u. and its like fate wanted to play tricks on me. One of our PA was telling me abt the place she is going camping near the coast this long wkend and was all excited abt it. I asked her what this place was called. And guess what? She showed me the pamphlet and it said “(Old Boy’s real name)!” Then the other day last wk, my sis was driving and for the 1st time since we’ve travelled on the rd countless times, we passed a side street that said “(Old Boy’s real name) St”! I didn’t know that your name could be sooooooo commonplace… and near my hse where we enter from the next suburbs, the shopping area there is called “The (Old Boy’s Nickname)” which I pass without fail if I travel in the older sibling’s car to go home! Strange eh???
………..
*****
It’s true. Some things never change. We never get mad at each other for too long.
Not for fuck’s sake but old time friendship’s sake.
We have always been there for each other.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Losing the Plot
Question-what does one normally when they book into a hire-by-the-hour hotel like Hotel 81?
*****
I must have grown comfy with the Old Boy on the second or third time we had our tryst at one of the Hotel 81s who became our favourite haunt. At one stage, my naked self even did a forward roll onto the bed to join him by the side.
Remember how I mentioned about myself being a big bathroom singer? Yeah, there was this one time I got carried away...
*****
I have this habit of spacing out and singing mindlessly or thinking intensely and singing mindlessly when I am in the showers. As you know, I love to mostly shower alone too.
So there we were doing the habitual pre-sex/ foreplay and post-sex/foreplay showering since the Old Boy could be quite anal about his standards of hygiene and out of common courtesy, I observed his habit. I like to take turns since I don't like to share showers in general if I could help it. So he passed the shower head to me and left me to my own peace and quiet...
Earlier on, I have discussed with one of my best friends about showering in a fuck hotel and the protocols or tricks of getting around it. You see, my idea of a shower is to strip any dirt off my face and body and the idea of doing a half-arse job wasn't going to do it for me. I was deliberating on how to shower without stripping off the make-up and trying to get round to the peeving idea of doing so and having to put on old undies and worn outside clothes post a fresh warm shower. Then there is also this thing about not wetting the hair since I didn't know if shower caps were provided for in such places. The friend's advice is you don't have a choice but keep the make-up on please. So my initial plan of attack was to do a quick wash of the fundamental erogenous zones really to maintain some level of cleanliness and freshness of scent to titillate the right senses from the Old Boy. That should take me no more than three minutes. I was aware that clock is ticking as with the hotel bill...
I turned on the shower and adjusted the temperature to a nice warm thirty or so degrees. I started douching myself and let the warm water sprayed between my legs. I was slowly spacing out, staring at the wall which I am prone to drift into that state, allowing the warm sensation of the water to be the sole focus of my pleasure. Gradually, I hummed a tune and let the soothing aqua temperature sprinkled all over my body. By now, my spirits have lifted and my humming graduated into a song. I happily continued to shower and sing, my eyes still rather fixated on the wall...
Out of the blue, I suddenly snapped out of this bathroom reverie! I then remembered the purpose of my existence in that small squarish bathroom and the very reason why I was in the venue at that time. I turned off the faucet and dried myself hastily as I hurried out of the bathroom. I must have been in there for a good 10 to 15 mins.
The Old Boy was seated naked on the bed and the TV was on. He lifted his eyes to meet mine.
"Oh, I am sorry I got carried away showering..." I looked at him sheepishly with a half grin on my face.
"It's ok. Take your time." He spoke in his usual soft and gentle tone.
"I totally got carried away, Baby. I forgot for a moment that we are here to fuck." I laughed.
He laughed.
"It's ok, Sweetheart. We don't have to..."
I dived into bed for him.
The rest,as we all know, is history.;)
So yeah, I reverted back to my script.
Question-what does one normally when they book into a hire-by-the-hour hotel like Hotel 81?
*****
I must have grown comfy with the Old Boy on the second or third time we had our tryst at one of the Hotel 81s who became our favourite haunt. At one stage, my naked self even did a forward roll onto the bed to join him by the side.
Remember how I mentioned about myself being a big bathroom singer? Yeah, there was this one time I got carried away...
*****
I have this habit of spacing out and singing mindlessly or thinking intensely and singing mindlessly when I am in the showers. As you know, I love to mostly shower alone too.
So there we were doing the habitual pre-sex/ foreplay and post-sex/foreplay showering since the Old Boy could be quite anal about his standards of hygiene and out of common courtesy, I observed his habit. I like to take turns since I don't like to share showers in general if I could help it. So he passed the shower head to me and left me to my own peace and quiet...
Earlier on, I have discussed with one of my best friends about showering in a fuck hotel and the protocols or tricks of getting around it. You see, my idea of a shower is to strip any dirt off my face and body and the idea of doing a half-arse job wasn't going to do it for me. I was deliberating on how to shower without stripping off the make-up and trying to get round to the peeving idea of doing so and having to put on old undies and worn outside clothes post a fresh warm shower. Then there is also this thing about not wetting the hair since I didn't know if shower caps were provided for in such places. The friend's advice is you don't have a choice but keep the make-up on please. So my initial plan of attack was to do a quick wash of the fundamental erogenous zones really to maintain some level of cleanliness and freshness of scent to titillate the right senses from the Old Boy. That should take me no more than three minutes. I was aware that clock is ticking as with the hotel bill...
I turned on the shower and adjusted the temperature to a nice warm thirty or so degrees. I started douching myself and let the warm water sprayed between my legs. I was slowly spacing out, staring at the wall which I am prone to drift into that state, allowing the warm sensation of the water to be the sole focus of my pleasure. Gradually, I hummed a tune and let the soothing aqua temperature sprinkled all over my body. By now, my spirits have lifted and my humming graduated into a song. I happily continued to shower and sing, my eyes still rather fixated on the wall...
Out of the blue, I suddenly snapped out of this bathroom reverie! I then remembered the purpose of my existence in that small squarish bathroom and the very reason why I was in the venue at that time. I turned off the faucet and dried myself hastily as I hurried out of the bathroom. I must have been in there for a good 10 to 15 mins.
The Old Boy was seated naked on the bed and the TV was on. He lifted his eyes to meet mine.
"Oh, I am sorry I got carried away showering..." I looked at him sheepishly with a half grin on my face.
"It's ok. Take your time." He spoke in his usual soft and gentle tone.
"I totally got carried away, Baby. I forgot for a moment that we are here to fuck." I laughed.
He laughed.
"It's ok, Sweetheart. We don't have to..."
I dived into bed for him.
The rest,as we all know, is history.;)
So yeah, I reverted back to my script.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Headcount
lying in bed I often do
with her or her and little to do
one, two, three…
we reminisce
long, short, thick, thin
along we count
giggles and chuckles till we fell
once or twice
a dirty picture we sent
to whoever he is
the laughter we shared
transformed our faces drolly blue
lengths we compared
rulers we spare
with clever guesstimates
of hand spans and gestures
we made the other aware
the knobs that impaled
on the pleasure of the lewd
prank calls to
lovers, ex-boyfriends and flings
the things we do
in our late teens
never left us even when we bloom
douching myself I love to do
but quiet in vain when they
are sent through
spilled guts and gory
of kiss and tell
bust like excited dams
in my bathroom
sojourn to bedroom
to demonstrate the act
of doggie or missionary or
what the imagination ensnares
practise the moves to prepare
the other day one called out to me
come lie next to me
will you please
on her marital bed
I complied
so counted I did with she
how many have you got so far on me
lying in bed I often do
with her or her and little to do
one, two, three…
we reminisce
long, short, thick, thin
along we count
giggles and chuckles till we fell
once or twice
a dirty picture we sent
to whoever he is
the laughter we shared
transformed our faces drolly blue
lengths we compared
rulers we spare
with clever guesstimates
of hand spans and gestures
we made the other aware
the knobs that impaled
on the pleasure of the lewd
prank calls to
lovers, ex-boyfriends and flings
the things we do
in our late teens
never left us even when we bloom
douching myself I love to do
but quiet in vain when they
are sent through
spilled guts and gory
of kiss and tell
bust like excited dams
in my bathroom
sojourn to bedroom
to demonstrate the act
of doggie or missionary or
what the imagination ensnares
practise the moves to prepare
the other day one called out to me
come lie next to me
will you please
on her marital bed
I complied
so counted I did with she
how many have you got so far on me
On Having Children
"I was just reading a book by R.D. Laing. He sent me his book The Facts of Life. In the book he refers to an experiment in which a psychoanalyst asked many mothers, "When your child was going to be born, were you really in a welcoming mood, were you ready to accept the child?" He has made a questionnaire. First question: 'Was the child accidental, or did you desire the child?'... .... Rarely was there a mother who said,'Yes, the child was welcome. I was waiting for him and I was happy.' "
"From Agony to Ecstasy", Joy: The Happiness that Comes from Within, Osho
******
I got back to work this week and have since heard announcements of three people being pregnant in the office. I did the obligatory congratulations to 2 of them.
For the past 30 mins or so, I have been surfing the internet and have read about kids attending kindergarten classes and the exorbitant tuition fees one pay for a child's education enough for one year's mortgage payment or something. Also I just realised that kids are attending school at a much younger age. I thought attending nursery at 4 back in my days was bad enough and I had to bloody learn to play the organ as part of the kindergarten school curriculum at 5. These days, there is this thing called the pre-nursery and even the Old Boy's little one is on it!
Then I read about one blogger's kid daily act up prior to school. I remember those days of my life- that insecurity I felt as a child and everytime I was ushered into that evil Mrs Tan's class, I thought I was so going to die. There was a little window in each of the classroom door and the face of my mother's face did nothing to add comfort to my vulnerable little heart and only sought to heighten my fear. Nothing did appease my fear except for the ever protective presence of my Nan but she was often replaced by the presence of Mum who was there because the Older Sibling and I went to school together. The Old Sibling was very much Mum's child as I was to Nan. Whilst I was reading the blog, I felt the closing in of my heart, that anxiety I felt as a child once more...
Times like this I vow I never have children. Even any discomfort that our little Fluffball (though she is just a pet) experiences is enough to send DL and I heart palpitations. I remember vividly last September where the 3 of us made a trip to Melbourne. That night, we went out for dinner at Nobu in Crown Casino and left her at the residence where we were putting up. It was the night where we wined, dined and cried a lot as we openly discussed the brewing undercurrent of our relationship for the first time. When we returned, we found Fluffball looking a little dull in spirit and was to find out the next morning from the hostess of the residence that Fluffball has been crying all night and she refused to be invited to lie in the bed of the hostess with her poodle dog. She wanted to be left alone in our bedroom and she jumped up our bed and sat there wailing away for a long time....
So that broke our hearts. We cuddled, kissed and pep talked her all day to restore her faith in us. The next day, DL ensured that Fluffball was to be taken wherever we went, even if it meant leaving her in the car where she is familiar and used to be being in. So we drove everywhere and paid expensive parking although we stayed in the city. DL vowed never to go away on holidays together again as long as our little one lives. That year we went away to New Zealand for five days and on holidays internationally for the first time in our then 6-year relationship, he was all teary and homesick for leaving our precious little one at home. Mind you, we left her to no stranger but the Older Sibling after much deliberation as DL didn't see a luxury pet hotel with bed and TV as an option for his little princess.
Which leads me to the thought about the vulnerability of young things...
Children never make sense to me. Emotionally and financially. It's all good and easy to make them, bring them to the world and love them as best as you could. But then again, one can never be too sure about how they turn out- unpredictable investments they are and an almost thankless endeavour with irrevocable consequences. First off, it's hard to provide the material things in this world where we live in. Then there is the internal, psychological aspect of them that you could never be too sure of. How much must a parent give to provide that sense of emotional security before the kid is deemed overly protected?
That blog which I read about the blogger's kid going to school for some strange reason triggered my memory of shudders, anxiety and panic attacks, although I am sure she wrote it for and in amusement. But still, I identify with that psyche of that child. For that, I wonder if I would ever have children for fear of leaving them with a sort of emotional/mental scarring that will spillover to their adulthood. Guess most kids get over it but then, most tend to remember their first days at school.
When we were 15, V was a hardcore feminist. We were on the subject of having kids and we both concurred that children are something "progressive" females like us could do without. She added, "We do not need to over-populate the earth. There are enough people already." Sure, her views would have softened over the years but those sentences have since stuck to my mind.
But first off at this stage in my life, the thought of funding private education seemed like a far reaching idea. A good AUD$10,000 per semester of private tuition fees in primary school, not to mention school uniform, books, extracurricular activities and buying your kids all the experiences that they could get out of international field trips and excursions seem all too daunting for me to begin with. How people could do it, I do not know. Bravery must be the key. Let's not forget that the emotional/ psychological stability of the child is another important aspect that would need to be ensured for with creating the right family environment for the child to function healthily. But then again, how could one be too sure about anything?
Hmmm, it's now 1.25a.m Monday morning at the moment. I am still getting the same pre-Monday blues (called anxiety) that I experienced as a child since I was no more than four years of age. I used to suffer acute insomnia each Sunday night by the time I turned 10...
So yeah, I have been in a congratulatory mood to those at work who have been spotted with radiant glows on their faces and expanding silhouettes. All I can REALLY think of is how the workplace pregnancies are going to benefit yours truly here in advancing her position at work. And who knows when I am emotionally ready to have children, my bank balance will tell the same story and I too, might well be truly radiating with that after-glow of a proud mum-to-be and understanding fully what these ladies are going through...
"I was just reading a book by R.D. Laing. He sent me his book The Facts of Life. In the book he refers to an experiment in which a psychoanalyst asked many mothers, "When your child was going to be born, were you really in a welcoming mood, were you ready to accept the child?" He has made a questionnaire. First question: 'Was the child accidental, or did you desire the child?'... .... Rarely was there a mother who said,'Yes, the child was welcome. I was waiting for him and I was happy.' "
"From Agony to Ecstasy", Joy: The Happiness that Comes from Within, Osho
******
I got back to work this week and have since heard announcements of three people being pregnant in the office. I did the obligatory congratulations to 2 of them.
For the past 30 mins or so, I have been surfing the internet and have read about kids attending kindergarten classes and the exorbitant tuition fees one pay for a child's education enough for one year's mortgage payment or something. Also I just realised that kids are attending school at a much younger age. I thought attending nursery at 4 back in my days was bad enough and I had to bloody learn to play the organ as part of the kindergarten school curriculum at 5. These days, there is this thing called the pre-nursery and even the Old Boy's little one is on it!
Then I read about one blogger's kid daily act up prior to school. I remember those days of my life- that insecurity I felt as a child and everytime I was ushered into that evil Mrs Tan's class, I thought I was so going to die. There was a little window in each of the classroom door and the face of my mother's face did nothing to add comfort to my vulnerable little heart and only sought to heighten my fear. Nothing did appease my fear except for the ever protective presence of my Nan but she was often replaced by the presence of Mum who was there because the Older Sibling and I went to school together. The Old Sibling was very much Mum's child as I was to Nan. Whilst I was reading the blog, I felt the closing in of my heart, that anxiety I felt as a child once more...
Times like this I vow I never have children. Even any discomfort that our little Fluffball (though she is just a pet) experiences is enough to send DL and I heart palpitations. I remember vividly last September where the 3 of us made a trip to Melbourne. That night, we went out for dinner at Nobu in Crown Casino and left her at the residence where we were putting up. It was the night where we wined, dined and cried a lot as we openly discussed the brewing undercurrent of our relationship for the first time. When we returned, we found Fluffball looking a little dull in spirit and was to find out the next morning from the hostess of the residence that Fluffball has been crying all night and she refused to be invited to lie in the bed of the hostess with her poodle dog. She wanted to be left alone in our bedroom and she jumped up our bed and sat there wailing away for a long time....
So that broke our hearts. We cuddled, kissed and pep talked her all day to restore her faith in us. The next day, DL ensured that Fluffball was to be taken wherever we went, even if it meant leaving her in the car where she is familiar and used to be being in. So we drove everywhere and paid expensive parking although we stayed in the city. DL vowed never to go away on holidays together again as long as our little one lives. That year we went away to New Zealand for five days and on holidays internationally for the first time in our then 6-year relationship, he was all teary and homesick for leaving our precious little one at home. Mind you, we left her to no stranger but the Older Sibling after much deliberation as DL didn't see a luxury pet hotel with bed and TV as an option for his little princess.
Which leads me to the thought about the vulnerability of young things...
Children never make sense to me. Emotionally and financially. It's all good and easy to make them, bring them to the world and love them as best as you could. But then again, one can never be too sure about how they turn out- unpredictable investments they are and an almost thankless endeavour with irrevocable consequences. First off, it's hard to provide the material things in this world where we live in. Then there is the internal, psychological aspect of them that you could never be too sure of. How much must a parent give to provide that sense of emotional security before the kid is deemed overly protected?
That blog which I read about the blogger's kid going to school for some strange reason triggered my memory of shudders, anxiety and panic attacks, although I am sure she wrote it for and in amusement. But still, I identify with that psyche of that child. For that, I wonder if I would ever have children for fear of leaving them with a sort of emotional/mental scarring that will spillover to their adulthood. Guess most kids get over it but then, most tend to remember their first days at school.
When we were 15, V was a hardcore feminist. We were on the subject of having kids and we both concurred that children are something "progressive" females like us could do without. She added, "We do not need to over-populate the earth. There are enough people already." Sure, her views would have softened over the years but those sentences have since stuck to my mind.
But first off at this stage in my life, the thought of funding private education seemed like a far reaching idea. A good AUD$10,000 per semester of private tuition fees in primary school, not to mention school uniform, books, extracurricular activities and buying your kids all the experiences that they could get out of international field trips and excursions seem all too daunting for me to begin with. How people could do it, I do not know. Bravery must be the key. Let's not forget that the emotional/ psychological stability of the child is another important aspect that would need to be ensured for with creating the right family environment for the child to function healthily. But then again, how could one be too sure about anything?
Hmmm, it's now 1.25a.m Monday morning at the moment. I am still getting the same pre-Monday blues (called anxiety) that I experienced as a child since I was no more than four years of age. I used to suffer acute insomnia each Sunday night by the time I turned 10...
So yeah, I have been in a congratulatory mood to those at work who have been spotted with radiant glows on their faces and expanding silhouettes. All I can REALLY think of is how the workplace pregnancies are going to benefit yours truly here in advancing her position at work. And who knows when I am emotionally ready to have children, my bank balance will tell the same story and I too, might well be truly radiating with that after-glow of a proud mum-to-be and understanding fully what these ladies are going through...
Friday, January 18, 2008
Highlights of the Week
TGIF! Finally,I made it home from work in one piece. This is the first time after weeks of partying, excitement and restlessness that I am glad to have time to my knackered self. For once, I am not looking forward to yet another Whisky Friday night. I have been bursting with ideas to blog about my trip back to Singapore and have secretly taken toilet breaks at work to afford myself some staring-into-space and getting inspired "quiet" time sitting on the toilet bowl with no more crap to poop or pee.
Before I start, let me just first of all proffer you readers, fellow bloggers, friends and voyeurs my Favourite Quote of the Week:
"Everyone feels that others are responsible for their misery. The husband thinks the wife is responsible for their misery, the wife thinks the husband is responsible for her misery, the children think the parents for their misery, the parents think the children are responsible for their misery. It has become such a complexity. And whenever somebody else is responsible for your misery, you are not aware that by giving the responsibility away, you are losing your freedom. Responsibility and freedom are two sides of the same coin."
- "Joy: The Happiness That Comes from Within", Osho
*****
So yeah, I started the week being miserable, thanks to the Old Boy.
I meditated on that feeling for a bit and started to question myself why. I followed my train of emotions and thoughts and began seeing clearer the root of my misery.
It was still ultimately my Ego. You see, because I knew I gave in to him a lot and my Ego has already cautioned that I was acting "below" me, I still went ahead and overlooked his abuses about my cheating and his using the money matter against me. I finally became piqued and badly bruised only when after I felt betrayed, having suffered his verbal abuses and whinges, took the humble pie, kissed and made up on sms and then he turned and dealt me a hard one that he had spent his last night with the mistress. It was within my expectations but the fact that he had the cheek to lead me on with that sms that after he dropped me off with my friends that night, he realised that he could have booked us a hotel for us to spend the last night together since serendipitously, it was the first time in 2 years that the lady of the house also happened to be away. That mere intention of leading me on after all my "sorry, sorry for what I have done, Old boy and I am a bad gal" and I got one served back hard at me. And that wasn't all-he had the audacity to say we are "even" i.e. he kept scores when I haven't even started with mine about the money! So you see, I was in pain, perhaps worst than the bruising Jekyll & Hyde did to me some 10 months ago because Old Boy has always been a really close friend and his pettiness was something beyond my comprehension. I thought our friendship and relationship would have gone beyond that. The fact about him using money on me to start with was already something beyond my realm of understanding in my book of virtue on how I conduct myself in life and how I could have bring myself to perceive him i.e. sugar daddy/ milking cow. He reminded me of my mum- I really think there are some things one should never say no matter how angry unless one absolutely means it but not say it out of spite. If done so, one should be prepared that bridges would be burnt. The weight one could carry in words,for example, "break up".
More so, I hate people who "cry wolf". I've grown up with people who cried wolf a lot. The first was my mother- she always verbally abuses you in a fit of her short temper and then she becomes all guilty and endearing for awhile before she starts her nonsense all over again. Then, DL did quite a fair bit of that at the onset of our relationship and got all confronting and upset for the littlelest compliments I made of other men. So he got all whingey and confrontational at the start which didn't suit my temperament very well either. I laid my cards on the table, put my foot down, point got taken and graciousness got restored. (I do miss our relationship and mutual understanding that way).
In life, I realised that I could stand injustice done on me more than I could ever tolerate possessiveness and one making a mountain out of the molehill, only to turn back and go "Ok, I've calmed down and I take back what I have just said." That is so not cool!
Yeah and so I wallowed in misery and heartache post the msn and sms debacle with the Old Boy. Little by little with time, I became aware and realised that it was my Ego of feeling short-changed despite my "humility" with him that affronted me post his confession. I began to see the light and slowly, I freed myself of that pain and hurt and didn't hang on so much to the anger anymore. It wasn't even about forgiveness; it was simply I didn't want to be attached to that grudge anymore. Besides, I couldn't stand being mad at him for too long- he has always been a very close friend, almost like a brother.
I was beginning to feel emancipated...
P.S: Just for a laugh Old Boy, you might be quite "thrilled" to know that the travel agent has charged me twice for the Manila airfare and before I took a good look at my credit card bill, I paid for it. :D
****
Summary Highlights of the Week:
1) As I was losing it with the Old Boy on Monday, Nano unexpectedly came back into my life online and played the Old Boy's role in listening to my whinge about him in the past. We exchanged tales of hook ups during the holiday season, him apologising many times about how sorry he was to me (some boring stories there so don't want to go into detail), kept me company online and on sms since the afternoon at work until I was exhausted with mourning about the Old Boy late into the night.
"How could anyone cheat on you P?"
"That was within expectations Nano. I am more upset that he said all those hurtful things about money to me and then tried to give me the false idea of how we could have spent the last night together when he had the intention to spend it with his mistress.And to top it up, still had the cheek to cram my style and victimise himself about it..."
Nano's most recent hook up is a pure Chinese girl and confessed she wasn't as great as me. He told me he has been noticing and being attracted more to Chinese girls since we got hooked up last August like I left a legacy behind.
" Am so hard rite now. Don't know what Chinese powers you have but damn it's so strong."
"Are you sadist or something? I am pouring my woes to you!"
" Nope. Memories dear."
He mentioned a possible trip to visit me in Sydney. I could stay with him.
We talked a bit about his previous lacklustre attitude towards me.
"Am just fucked up. One day we shall meet and see if is meant to be."
We'll see. Not holding my breath for anyone at the moment. Nano can do the chasing if he wants. I am done with attachments to an idea, especially one filled with hopes and possibilities.
I quite fancy tasting freedom for the first time.
****
2) Koran and I are like birds of feathers in the free-spirited non-committal sense. To begin with, I have always find it hard to inspire jealousy or possessive out of myself over other people or for boyfriends. Koran and I had exactly that same kind of relationship. No tears, no fuss, non-committal.No strings attached. Thank him for that!
I gave this "Modern Muslim" (in his words and one who drinks, smokes, fucks and take drugs) the worst fuck ever (since I was constantly overshadowed by the thought and attachment for the Old Boy and for the most part, it was the time of the morning where my eyes were half closed) and confessed that he marred my "good" record. We laughed a lot during the sessions (attempted, aborted, attempted until we gave up and over-abused the condom, the dick and my mouth)like two giggling high school kids. I showed him pictures that I honed from ten years ago of his high school friends as my social path has crossed with him from almost 14 years back. He even knew my first two ex-boyfriends of other schools from eons ago from the tea dance days and I am surprised for some strange reason that we didn't meet till recently even though we operated within the same social circle up till our Mambo Night days some 10 years ago. We talked about our callousness towards relationships with the coming of age, our dark years living abroad and it was nice.
He was thoughtful during our outings, very much a fun boy and is very much the type of guy who knows the right people in town to get us VIP access into places. A good host he is as I am a good hostess, we did have great outings and good enough conversations. I found my intellectual match in him- he surpassed me in memory and mental sums even when we were tipsy. I guess it helps if you have been born to be a intellectually gifted child as I later found out from his peers. So yeah-he had the IQ and the EQ.
Basically, he was great whilst it lasted shortly. I didn't expect to hear from him after I returned but last night he obliged me with a long message since I was "how sweet" (as he put it in his sarcastic humorous way) anti-climaxed by a "yawn" at the end of his sentence. Am not expecting another one from him but guess if it does, it's a nice surprise. He did made a great friend and the camaraderie was definitely there during our outings.
More about him another time in a separate post.
The last words of his message read like this, "nonetheless i'll remember wat we shared cos watever way our stories end, u've rewritten mine by being my fren."
Yeah, so that is just pleasantly nice.
*****
3) Last night, I met a very avid blog reader of mine. He told me that he wanted to sever any online communications with me because I broke his heart. The final straw came when he greeted me hi and I told him that I was not in the mood to talk. If he wanted any updates, please check my blog entry in the night. You see, his online greeting was untimely. I just got dropped the bombshell by the Old Boy and was just about to lose control of my emotions.
For a moment, I felt he was a bit melodramatic like the Old Boy who had too threatened a number of times to cut me off for good before we met. And take heed, I love to watch dramas but I don't fancy being caught up in one, especially if it was used as a threat or plea for attention. This week, I thought life was spinning out of control in the least expected of ways, especially when I just touched down in Sydney for the first time in 2008 and am trying to get myself settled into the swing of things at work.
He said he felt sorry for himself because he has been so affected by my entries and it made him cynical of relationships and love. He doesn't even know my real identity... What about DL, he asked? The man who would die for me? He chided that I should have known better what sort of an emotional fix I would have got myself into and still I did and it broke his heart that I was doing this to myself and being involved with all these guys.
Hey, you know who you are. Like I said, our circumstances in life are different so don't take my life stories too seriously and perceive that as the life of the proletariat(your word I am borrowing;) ). I don't say that to suggest that I am special but that, our current circumstances are moulded by our past experiences and the environments that we grow up or operate in. This mental attachment you have for me and my stories can only seek to disturb you or make you dwell in misery since you are very much an intense heavy-thinking type of guy. You can only relate so much emotionally with me but remember, our circumstances in life are probably very different. So take care of your emotional health there.
Self-pity is a counter-productive emotion.
You know where to find me online and I know exactly where to find you in reel and real life. So look me up then when you are ready to get out of your retreat, my dear friend :)
*****
4)On my way home from work just now, I bumped into Dope. Yes, good old Dope and long-time readers of my blog would remember him as so 2006 of P's life. We had that more than a year long grey arrangement that drifted into oblivion. I hadn't seen him since 23rd December 2006 to be precise although he saw me on 23rd November 2007 at a restaurant and emailed me after.
I leaned against the railings and called out to him from the platform as he walked down the stairs. He was heading back to work.
He still looks the same. He even wore the same shirt and pants from that year. I was also in the same black suit that I wore during our rendezvous era.
Sounded strange when I called him by his first name. He's still good old Dope to me but guess we both had left it for too long and our moment had passed...
******
5)As a mapper in profession and in nature, I cannot help but notice things. I was about to stop at Story 4).
But it has come to my attention that Someone is trying to be very funny. I don't know if his Ego is playing tricks to his mind yet again or should my Ego not get the better of me and let this matter off...
It seems like this particular Someone has made a deliberate attempt to introduce someone to this shady alleyway of my life, called the blogsite and possibly reveal my identity. Apart from anonymous people who have chanced upon this site, there are only but a handful who know my real identity. And those handful has been sworn to secrecy and understand the privilege of first hand private knowledge.
I thought we held the thieves' honour and promised to keep my reel and real lives separate from your other private life?
YOU (and yes, you know who you are!) better give me a good explanation.
I am waiting.
TGIF! Finally,I made it home from work in one piece. This is the first time after weeks of partying, excitement and restlessness that I am glad to have time to my knackered self. For once, I am not looking forward to yet another Whisky Friday night. I have been bursting with ideas to blog about my trip back to Singapore and have secretly taken toilet breaks at work to afford myself some staring-into-space and getting inspired "quiet" time sitting on the toilet bowl with no more crap to poop or pee.
Before I start, let me just first of all proffer you readers, fellow bloggers, friends and voyeurs my Favourite Quote of the Week:
"Everyone feels that others are responsible for their misery. The husband thinks the wife is responsible for their misery, the wife thinks the husband is responsible for her misery, the children think the parents for their misery, the parents think the children are responsible for their misery. It has become such a complexity. And whenever somebody else is responsible for your misery, you are not aware that by giving the responsibility away, you are losing your freedom. Responsibility and freedom are two sides of the same coin."
- "Joy: The Happiness That Comes from Within", Osho
*****
So yeah, I started the week being miserable, thanks to the Old Boy.
I meditated on that feeling for a bit and started to question myself why. I followed my train of emotions and thoughts and began seeing clearer the root of my misery.
It was still ultimately my Ego. You see, because I knew I gave in to him a lot and my Ego has already cautioned that I was acting "below" me, I still went ahead and overlooked his abuses about my cheating and his using the money matter against me. I finally became piqued and badly bruised only when after I felt betrayed, having suffered his verbal abuses and whinges, took the humble pie, kissed and made up on sms and then he turned and dealt me a hard one that he had spent his last night with the mistress. It was within my expectations but the fact that he had the cheek to lead me on with that sms that after he dropped me off with my friends that night, he realised that he could have booked us a hotel for us to spend the last night together since serendipitously, it was the first time in 2 years that the lady of the house also happened to be away. That mere intention of leading me on after all my "sorry, sorry for what I have done, Old boy and I am a bad gal" and I got one served back hard at me. And that wasn't all-he had the audacity to say we are "even" i.e. he kept scores when I haven't even started with mine about the money! So you see, I was in pain, perhaps worst than the bruising Jekyll & Hyde did to me some 10 months ago because Old Boy has always been a really close friend and his pettiness was something beyond my comprehension. I thought our friendship and relationship would have gone beyond that. The fact about him using money on me to start with was already something beyond my realm of understanding in my book of virtue on how I conduct myself in life and how I could have bring myself to perceive him i.e. sugar daddy/ milking cow. He reminded me of my mum- I really think there are some things one should never say no matter how angry unless one absolutely means it but not say it out of spite. If done so, one should be prepared that bridges would be burnt. The weight one could carry in words,for example, "break up".
More so, I hate people who "cry wolf". I've grown up with people who cried wolf a lot. The first was my mother- she always verbally abuses you in a fit of her short temper and then she becomes all guilty and endearing for awhile before she starts her nonsense all over again. Then, DL did quite a fair bit of that at the onset of our relationship and got all confronting and upset for the littlelest compliments I made of other men. So he got all whingey and confrontational at the start which didn't suit my temperament very well either. I laid my cards on the table, put my foot down, point got taken and graciousness got restored. (I do miss our relationship and mutual understanding that way).
In life, I realised that I could stand injustice done on me more than I could ever tolerate possessiveness and one making a mountain out of the molehill, only to turn back and go "Ok, I've calmed down and I take back what I have just said." That is so not cool!
Yeah and so I wallowed in misery and heartache post the msn and sms debacle with the Old Boy. Little by little with time, I became aware and realised that it was my Ego of feeling short-changed despite my "humility" with him that affronted me post his confession. I began to see the light and slowly, I freed myself of that pain and hurt and didn't hang on so much to the anger anymore. It wasn't even about forgiveness; it was simply I didn't want to be attached to that grudge anymore. Besides, I couldn't stand being mad at him for too long- he has always been a very close friend, almost like a brother.
I was beginning to feel emancipated...
P.S: Just for a laugh Old Boy, you might be quite "thrilled" to know that the travel agent has charged me twice for the Manila airfare and before I took a good look at my credit card bill, I paid for it. :D
****
Summary Highlights of the Week:
1) As I was losing it with the Old Boy on Monday, Nano unexpectedly came back into my life online and played the Old Boy's role in listening to my whinge about him in the past. We exchanged tales of hook ups during the holiday season, him apologising many times about how sorry he was to me (some boring stories there so don't want to go into detail), kept me company online and on sms since the afternoon at work until I was exhausted with mourning about the Old Boy late into the night.
"How could anyone cheat on you P?"
"That was within expectations Nano. I am more upset that he said all those hurtful things about money to me and then tried to give me the false idea of how we could have spent the last night together when he had the intention to spend it with his mistress.And to top it up, still had the cheek to cram my style and victimise himself about it..."
Nano's most recent hook up is a pure Chinese girl and confessed she wasn't as great as me. He told me he has been noticing and being attracted more to Chinese girls since we got hooked up last August like I left a legacy behind.
" Am so hard rite now. Don't know what Chinese powers you have but damn it's so strong."
"Are you sadist or something? I am pouring my woes to you!"
" Nope. Memories dear."
He mentioned a possible trip to visit me in Sydney. I could stay with him.
We talked a bit about his previous lacklustre attitude towards me.
"Am just fucked up. One day we shall meet and see if is meant to be."
We'll see. Not holding my breath for anyone at the moment. Nano can do the chasing if he wants. I am done with attachments to an idea, especially one filled with hopes and possibilities.
I quite fancy tasting freedom for the first time.
****
2) Koran and I are like birds of feathers in the free-spirited non-committal sense. To begin with, I have always find it hard to inspire jealousy or possessive out of myself over other people or for boyfriends. Koran and I had exactly that same kind of relationship. No tears, no fuss, non-committal.No strings attached. Thank him for that!
I gave this "Modern Muslim" (in his words and one who drinks, smokes, fucks and take drugs) the worst fuck ever (since I was constantly overshadowed by the thought and attachment for the Old Boy and for the most part, it was the time of the morning where my eyes were half closed) and confessed that he marred my "good" record. We laughed a lot during the sessions (attempted, aborted, attempted until we gave up and over-abused the condom, the dick and my mouth)like two giggling high school kids. I showed him pictures that I honed from ten years ago of his high school friends as my social path has crossed with him from almost 14 years back. He even knew my first two ex-boyfriends of other schools from eons ago from the tea dance days and I am surprised for some strange reason that we didn't meet till recently even though we operated within the same social circle up till our Mambo Night days some 10 years ago. We talked about our callousness towards relationships with the coming of age, our dark years living abroad and it was nice.
He was thoughtful during our outings, very much a fun boy and is very much the type of guy who knows the right people in town to get us VIP access into places. A good host he is as I am a good hostess, we did have great outings and good enough conversations. I found my intellectual match in him- he surpassed me in memory and mental sums even when we were tipsy. I guess it helps if you have been born to be a intellectually gifted child as I later found out from his peers. So yeah-he had the IQ and the EQ.
Basically, he was great whilst it lasted shortly. I didn't expect to hear from him after I returned but last night he obliged me with a long message since I was "how sweet" (as he put it in his sarcastic humorous way) anti-climaxed by a "yawn" at the end of his sentence. Am not expecting another one from him but guess if it does, it's a nice surprise. He did made a great friend and the camaraderie was definitely there during our outings.
More about him another time in a separate post.
The last words of his message read like this, "nonetheless i'll remember wat we shared cos watever way our stories end, u've rewritten mine by being my fren."
Yeah, so that is just pleasantly nice.
*****
3) Last night, I met a very avid blog reader of mine. He told me that he wanted to sever any online communications with me because I broke his heart. The final straw came when he greeted me hi and I told him that I was not in the mood to talk. If he wanted any updates, please check my blog entry in the night. You see, his online greeting was untimely. I just got dropped the bombshell by the Old Boy and was just about to lose control of my emotions.
For a moment, I felt he was a bit melodramatic like the Old Boy who had too threatened a number of times to cut me off for good before we met. And take heed, I love to watch dramas but I don't fancy being caught up in one, especially if it was used as a threat or plea for attention. This week, I thought life was spinning out of control in the least expected of ways, especially when I just touched down in Sydney for the first time in 2008 and am trying to get myself settled into the swing of things at work.
He said he felt sorry for himself because he has been so affected by my entries and it made him cynical of relationships and love. He doesn't even know my real identity... What about DL, he asked? The man who would die for me? He chided that I should have known better what sort of an emotional fix I would have got myself into and still I did and it broke his heart that I was doing this to myself and being involved with all these guys.
Hey, you know who you are. Like I said, our circumstances in life are different so don't take my life stories too seriously and perceive that as the life of the proletariat(your word I am borrowing;) ). I don't say that to suggest that I am special but that, our current circumstances are moulded by our past experiences and the environments that we grow up or operate in. This mental attachment you have for me and my stories can only seek to disturb you or make you dwell in misery since you are very much an intense heavy-thinking type of guy. You can only relate so much emotionally with me but remember, our circumstances in life are probably very different. So take care of your emotional health there.
Self-pity is a counter-productive emotion.
You know where to find me online and I know exactly where to find you in reel and real life. So look me up then when you are ready to get out of your retreat, my dear friend :)
*****
4)On my way home from work just now, I bumped into Dope. Yes, good old Dope and long-time readers of my blog would remember him as so 2006 of P's life. We had that more than a year long grey arrangement that drifted into oblivion. I hadn't seen him since 23rd December 2006 to be precise although he saw me on 23rd November 2007 at a restaurant and emailed me after.
I leaned against the railings and called out to him from the platform as he walked down the stairs. He was heading back to work.
He still looks the same. He even wore the same shirt and pants from that year. I was also in the same black suit that I wore during our rendezvous era.
Sounded strange when I called him by his first name. He's still good old Dope to me but guess we both had left it for too long and our moment had passed...
******
5)As a mapper in profession and in nature, I cannot help but notice things. I was about to stop at Story 4).
But it has come to my attention that Someone is trying to be very funny. I don't know if his Ego is playing tricks to his mind yet again or should my Ego not get the better of me and let this matter off...
It seems like this particular Someone has made a deliberate attempt to introduce someone to this shady alleyway of my life, called the blogsite and possibly reveal my identity. Apart from anonymous people who have chanced upon this site, there are only but a handful who know my real identity. And those handful has been sworn to secrecy and understand the privilege of first hand private knowledge.
I thought we held the thieves' honour and promised to keep my reel and real lives separate from your other private life?
YOU (and yes, you know who you are!) better give me a good explanation.
I am waiting.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Dear Old Boy,
How dare you! You break my heart with your fucking big balls of a dinosaur ego and then your lies. I never cram your life and how could you try to cram mine?
Now you tell me let bygones be after you accused me of being a liar and then made me feel like one of your whores whom you pay and fuck! Get it straight! I never made you spend money on me- whiskies, dinners and what have you! Man of your word eh? So show me the money that you promised to reimburse me for the foregone airfare to Manila! How dare you spite me and say that I stayed only cos of my friend and Koran! How could you when you knew that I did so to spend more time with you! You fucking hypocrite!Your one and only PROMISE ($650) you didn't even keep!Then you had the fucking cheek to hurt me and said that you were glad you didn't give me the money! And also so fucking what if you spent lots of $$ on me all those times? So does that make me your WHORE, if you think you're supposed to get something in return for your money!
Now you want to "forgive" me on your bloody terms eh? Just because you have gone to fuck your mistress and had the audacity to add that you could have booked us a hotel on your last night and when hours before, you spent your time with me! Then there's more to come with your other fucks! And you tell me we are even! No, we're NOT even because I say I lose in numbers and in emotion. How could anyone be so sore and keep scores when you simply have no fucking right? We have never been exclusive and never will be! I did so for the benefit of you but your cousin's young gf is right! "Whats in for you P?" she asked. "Nothing." I smiled. "Old Boy is good to me." Now I say, my ass!
Get that straight again! I didn't need to be a good gal for you but I tried cos I never wanted to upset you, even though you had 10 other gals on your side! How fucking dare you to emotionally blackmail me. "Anyone but Koran!" you said. And I can tell you its nothing to do with you having something against him, he might well be that Norwegian who fingered me or anyone for that matter. It's your freaking ego and don't accuse me of lying cos I never did! I did try and I did tried to stay exclusive for you alright! To begin with, you have no right to be possessive with me!
Koran did not get very much out of me! Now I regret cos I let you cram my style cos I was true to you in feelings and affection and made Koran and I feel guilty about that act! And guess what? He is heaps nicer to me! He doesn't deserve this from me! Chucking him a mental and not giving him what I could have given him for his time and potential loss of his jobs for his sleepless nights! When we parted at my door one night, Koran lingered on for a bit- and I told him "Go you sentimental fool!" I was callous to his feelings because I didn't think I could be giving of my feelings anymore. U, the Old Boy always overshadowing me and that guilt and loyalty I felt for you! I didn't know if I had much in my heart left to spare...
You used me like a whore towards the end and don't think I didn't know. I don't know why I allowed it when I told V I was so defeated, so defeated by my emotions for you- bloody sentimental me! I watched you fuck me and go to bed and how I knew you wanted to cum in my face. Cum bucket I was to you and how you shoved your dick so deep down my throat. But I had a lot of affection for you and so I complied. You were so milking me and getting your money's worth with P eh? How dare you said I was leading you on!
Old Boy, I looked at your face so many times in bed and searched your face for that glimmer of affection I thought I might detect on you for me. And each time, I felt defeated. I could always do with more sex but I was waiting in restlessness for you to hold me tight in bed and smother my neck with kisses and then I know I would have been happily appeased. But you continue being asleep and watching TV. And again, I never stopped giving up on you...What a sentimental fool I could be!
Ask no questions and I would be told no LIES by you and you would be told no TRUTH by me! Don't tell me we are victims of each other. Go re-visit, "Can you handle it?" I stick to my own script lest I upset that balance. Well and for you, stop fucking crying wolf cos like what you accused me of, you "knew" right from the start (which funnily enough, I didn't know that about me!)that I would "cheat" on you with Koran but you "trusted me" and let me go out with him! How fucking dare you to accuse me! You are the one who tried to lie to me and lead me on. You are such a good director of your own web of deceptions, chaos and pain!I don't fucking need a dramatic life! Now who's manage to successfully deceive who?
Now you say, you have forgiven me after creating this fucking online/sms emotional scene only to slap me in the face that you had also been naughty whilst I was around! How fucking dare you! You selfish son of a bitch! How dare you insult me and make me feel like a cheap whore at first with your crass money talk! How dare you! And then, I still forgive you!
You are so selfish, I cannot believe it! Tell me to stop publicly display my affections for you cos you were uncomfortable since you have so much to hide! You said I was upset and yes I was but because you had that bloody audacity to use me and assert your territory over me before Koran amongst my friends by outrightly kissing me and you had no qualms about doing that! You never stopped using me, Old Boy and I let you time and again. I never stop letting you get away with things! That servitude in me always wanted to make you happy cos I was aware that you did spent a fair bit for me given your situation and that our precious moments together were short! How dare you start becoming calculative with me? I should never have thought for you!
And I always thought you were my friend... when you hugged me tight while I teared over DL, I was grateful so grateful I wanted to make you a happy man for being there for me cos I know you are a condemned man with a fucked up marriage life. You have since trapped yourself to that pain and attachment of being part of a family unit. So I thought at least I would make you happy if not for these last 3 weeks. Put that inevitable ego aside about the other women on your side cos you see I could really put others before me...Think of that big picture. But you had your ego alright and look what I have allowed you to do to me? I should've only taken care of me first.
You break my heart, Old Boy! You really do... now I know, you never will catch me when I fall...
P
How dare you! You break my heart with your fucking big balls of a dinosaur ego and then your lies. I never cram your life and how could you try to cram mine?
Now you tell me let bygones be after you accused me of being a liar and then made me feel like one of your whores whom you pay and fuck! Get it straight! I never made you spend money on me- whiskies, dinners and what have you! Man of your word eh? So show me the money that you promised to reimburse me for the foregone airfare to Manila! How dare you spite me and say that I stayed only cos of my friend and Koran! How could you when you knew that I did so to spend more time with you! You fucking hypocrite!Your one and only PROMISE ($650) you didn't even keep!Then you had the fucking cheek to hurt me and said that you were glad you didn't give me the money! And also so fucking what if you spent lots of $$ on me all those times? So does that make me your WHORE, if you think you're supposed to get something in return for your money!
Now you want to "forgive" me on your bloody terms eh? Just because you have gone to fuck your mistress and had the audacity to add that you could have booked us a hotel on your last night and when hours before, you spent your time with me! Then there's more to come with your other fucks! And you tell me we are even! No, we're NOT even because I say I lose in numbers and in emotion. How could anyone be so sore and keep scores when you simply have no fucking right? We have never been exclusive and never will be! I did so for the benefit of you but your cousin's young gf is right! "Whats in for you P?" she asked. "Nothing." I smiled. "Old Boy is good to me." Now I say, my ass!
Get that straight again! I didn't need to be a good gal for you but I tried cos I never wanted to upset you, even though you had 10 other gals on your side! How fucking dare you to emotionally blackmail me. "Anyone but Koran!" you said. And I can tell you its nothing to do with you having something against him, he might well be that Norwegian who fingered me or anyone for that matter. It's your freaking ego and don't accuse me of lying cos I never did! I did try and I did tried to stay exclusive for you alright! To begin with, you have no right to be possessive with me!
Koran did not get very much out of me! Now I regret cos I let you cram my style cos I was true to you in feelings and affection and made Koran and I feel guilty about that act! And guess what? He is heaps nicer to me! He doesn't deserve this from me! Chucking him a mental and not giving him what I could have given him for his time and potential loss of his jobs for his sleepless nights! When we parted at my door one night, Koran lingered on for a bit- and I told him "Go you sentimental fool!" I was callous to his feelings because I didn't think I could be giving of my feelings anymore. U, the Old Boy always overshadowing me and that guilt and loyalty I felt for you! I didn't know if I had much in my heart left to spare...
You used me like a whore towards the end and don't think I didn't know. I don't know why I allowed it when I told V I was so defeated, so defeated by my emotions for you- bloody sentimental me! I watched you fuck me and go to bed and how I knew you wanted to cum in my face. Cum bucket I was to you and how you shoved your dick so deep down my throat. But I had a lot of affection for you and so I complied. You were so milking me and getting your money's worth with P eh? How dare you said I was leading you on!
Old Boy, I looked at your face so many times in bed and searched your face for that glimmer of affection I thought I might detect on you for me. And each time, I felt defeated. I could always do with more sex but I was waiting in restlessness for you to hold me tight in bed and smother my neck with kisses and then I know I would have been happily appeased. But you continue being asleep and watching TV. And again, I never stopped giving up on you...What a sentimental fool I could be!
Ask no questions and I would be told no LIES by you and you would be told no TRUTH by me! Don't tell me we are victims of each other. Go re-visit, "Can you handle it?" I stick to my own script lest I upset that balance. Well and for you, stop fucking crying wolf cos like what you accused me of, you "knew" right from the start (which funnily enough, I didn't know that about me!)that I would "cheat" on you with Koran but you "trusted me" and let me go out with him! How fucking dare you to accuse me! You are the one who tried to lie to me and lead me on. You are such a good director of your own web of deceptions, chaos and pain!I don't fucking need a dramatic life! Now who's manage to successfully deceive who?
Now you say, you have forgiven me after creating this fucking online/sms emotional scene only to slap me in the face that you had also been naughty whilst I was around! How fucking dare you! You selfish son of a bitch! How dare you insult me and make me feel like a cheap whore at first with your crass money talk! How dare you! And then, I still forgive you!
You are so selfish, I cannot believe it! Tell me to stop publicly display my affections for you cos you were uncomfortable since you have so much to hide! You said I was upset and yes I was but because you had that bloody audacity to use me and assert your territory over me before Koran amongst my friends by outrightly kissing me and you had no qualms about doing that! You never stopped using me, Old Boy and I let you time and again. I never stop letting you get away with things! That servitude in me always wanted to make you happy cos I was aware that you did spent a fair bit for me given your situation and that our precious moments together were short! How dare you start becoming calculative with me? I should never have thought for you!
And I always thought you were my friend... when you hugged me tight while I teared over DL, I was grateful so grateful I wanted to make you a happy man for being there for me cos I know you are a condemned man with a fucked up marriage life. You have since trapped yourself to that pain and attachment of being part of a family unit. So I thought at least I would make you happy if not for these last 3 weeks. Put that inevitable ego aside about the other women on your side cos you see I could really put others before me...Think of that big picture. But you had your ego alright and look what I have allowed you to do to me? I should've only taken care of me first.
You break my heart, Old Boy! You really do... now I know, you never will catch me when I fall...
P
Labels: THE P-oignant Moments
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Quickie
Yes! 2007 has passed with less than a resounding success and here comes 2008! As I partied on from last year into the new year, I realised that I haven't stopped drinking for a day. Oh well, yes I actually did take a break yesterday! On New Year's Eve, I spent my night with my best friend, V and our new ang moh beaus (V got a German and I got Norwegian, a cute M lookalike whom us girls met in Bintan)! I looked at V and said to her in Mandarin, "Damnit, we are a year older!" She nodded and said, "Yeah, we are both turning 29!" Then we laughed. Older and getting any wiser? I doubt it.
I've been missing in action for awhile, what with the lack of internet connection now that I am back at home in humid Singapore for a good three weeks, my previous emotional turmoil with DL (currently being suppressed and distracted from all my quick fix merry-making)and the endless nights of partying till the sun comes up... you see, I hate to waste time and any waking hours are spent with friends and family. When I fell sick a week and a half ago during Christmas Eve of all days, I wasted no time in drugging myself with Panadols and Chivas Regal and coke until I was up and dancing on my feet again...
Lots have happened since I returned- endless stream of social outings that spanned from the night till the wee hours of the morning, I have since lost count. I have cancelled my trip to Manila (where I was supposed to fly out tomorrow) at the insistence of my best friends and the Old Boy. You see, I couldn't quite justify spending a good $650 seeing Nano for just the one day in my eight day trip at HIS convenience. His lacklustre attitude is something that I could do without...
My new found singlehood status is something that I am finally getting used to. Guess the one positive thing that emerged from this experience is that I have since began to be in touch with friends of long ago-you know old friends whom you might know since you are 6 or 12 and people whom you could yak with till the sun comes up and pick up from where you have left many moons ago when life was a lot less complicated and you remember yourself as somewhat of an innocent girl... then there are also new acquaintainces that were made and the little romances on the side... B has since got married and I remembered still trying to pull a swift one as I walked up the stage unprepared to make my bridesmaid speech but the words flowed as I held the microphone with a half-shaking hand and let my heartfelt words flow and I saw those tears breaming in her eyes. For once, I felt my own tears of joy where before, I only understood tears of sadness...
On her hens' night, we inquired around for a ktv bar where I could open us a bottle and get men to "service" us. The idea of hired men pouring us our XO, whispering sweet nothings to us and smothering us with kisses or even allowing us to do whatever we please to them were fast spinning our wheels. For old times' flirting sake and to kiss bachelorette goodbye in "style" , we thought. But we couldn't find a male host bar unfortunately. We left home somewhat disappointed but I gave B my blessings and bestowed her with a gift pack I have earlier assembled in Australia to kickstart her life of marital bliss- a bottle of verve cliquot Pink Champagne, a naughty nurse outfit, a pair of my spare (unused) handcuffs (given by my beloved DL) and a nice fat dildo with the special function of perfoming some clit magic!;)
With one retired partner-in-crime, V the other best friend has ever so timely joined me to conquer the world. You see, she too has just broke up with the boyfriend and is finally enjoying the joys of bachelorettehood. We have all been dating some since we came back and it's been great. I have gathered a new experience or two. Yes, I tried having a quickie in the car with the Old Boy and then there were introductions to fuck hotels of the Hotel 81 variety.
*****
"You're the oldest man I've fucked."
The Old Boy is a sweetie. He reminded me to take him and our experience as the whole package- not just for the carnal pleasure but for everything that he would do for me at my whim and fancy.
He has been at my command, kindly doing my bidding. Each outing, his stipulated time to return home to the domestics was stretched into the wee hours of the morning until he could no longer delay going home. He bought me a bottle at the whiskey bar that we have been frequenting with friends so that I would have something to drink should he not be there. You must know that the Old Boy does not drink.
The other day, he bought a hamper of sashimi and more food and we checked into a fuck hotel. He massaged my tired back and smothered it with kisses as I laid there like a lazy fuck waiting to be serviced like a queen. Then he fed me with sashimi and pampered me (like how I thought only DL was capable of being)...
We laid next to each other as we finished our love making. The Old Boy thanked me and kissed me affectionately.
"This is always how I dreamt of us to be. Thank you.
I am going to miss you when you are gone."
"Don't worry. You'll have others.
Do not think about the future because it hasn't come, or the past as it is gone. Focus on the moment."
He nodded his head.
"It's a Buddhist teaching," I teased cheekily.
The Old Boy is a regular Sunday church goer.
****
We continued our foreplay and I propositioned another round. I was getting all hot and bothered.
He begged lightly to stop. He emphasised that I made him cum twice within 20 mins. He was all exhausted. It didn't help that I made him eat up the foot-long subway meatball sandwich he bought for us to share. He was exploding.
I pouted and got him to hold me in his arms instead.
"You are such an old man!"
At some stage, I got up to the bathroom. In my black lacy spaghetti top and black knickers and my white tiger print heels with gold chain, I sauntered before him and eyed him suggestively, "Do I look like a prostitute?"
*****
We laid down in bed for a bit. I rested on his chest.
"What do you like about me, Old Boy?"
"You are so bubbly."
At some stage, he mentioned that a girl like me would break his heart, his old heart.
I kept quiet. My heart has been broken too many times and I never thought myself capable of breaking anyone else's. I just asked that no one comes to tamper with mine.
****
We finally got up to get ready to leave. He spoke.
"Hey, we have spoken about this before remember? Don't ever fall for me, ok?"
"Don't worry. I won't." I smiled.
My heart has been battered too many times over the course of time.
It's 2008 and I hope it's not too late to learn that it's more emotionally merciful to live for the now-and-here moment.
Yes! 2007 has passed with less than a resounding success and here comes 2008! As I partied on from last year into the new year, I realised that I haven't stopped drinking for a day. Oh well, yes I actually did take a break yesterday! On New Year's Eve, I spent my night with my best friend, V and our new ang moh beaus (V got a German and I got Norwegian, a cute M lookalike whom us girls met in Bintan)! I looked at V and said to her in Mandarin, "Damnit, we are a year older!" She nodded and said, "Yeah, we are both turning 29!" Then we laughed. Older and getting any wiser? I doubt it.
I've been missing in action for awhile, what with the lack of internet connection now that I am back at home in humid Singapore for a good three weeks, my previous emotional turmoil with DL (currently being suppressed and distracted from all my quick fix merry-making)and the endless nights of partying till the sun comes up... you see, I hate to waste time and any waking hours are spent with friends and family. When I fell sick a week and a half ago during Christmas Eve of all days, I wasted no time in drugging myself with Panadols and Chivas Regal and coke until I was up and dancing on my feet again...
Lots have happened since I returned- endless stream of social outings that spanned from the night till the wee hours of the morning, I have since lost count. I have cancelled my trip to Manila (where I was supposed to fly out tomorrow) at the insistence of my best friends and the Old Boy. You see, I couldn't quite justify spending a good $650 seeing Nano for just the one day in my eight day trip at HIS convenience. His lacklustre attitude is something that I could do without...
My new found singlehood status is something that I am finally getting used to. Guess the one positive thing that emerged from this experience is that I have since began to be in touch with friends of long ago-you know old friends whom you might know since you are 6 or 12 and people whom you could yak with till the sun comes up and pick up from where you have left many moons ago when life was a lot less complicated and you remember yourself as somewhat of an innocent girl... then there are also new acquaintainces that were made and the little romances on the side... B has since got married and I remembered still trying to pull a swift one as I walked up the stage unprepared to make my bridesmaid speech but the words flowed as I held the microphone with a half-shaking hand and let my heartfelt words flow and I saw those tears breaming in her eyes. For once, I felt my own tears of joy where before, I only understood tears of sadness...
On her hens' night, we inquired around for a ktv bar where I could open us a bottle and get men to "service" us. The idea of hired men pouring us our XO, whispering sweet nothings to us and smothering us with kisses or even allowing us to do whatever we please to them were fast spinning our wheels. For old times' flirting sake and to kiss bachelorette goodbye in "style" , we thought. But we couldn't find a male host bar unfortunately. We left home somewhat disappointed but I gave B my blessings and bestowed her with a gift pack I have earlier assembled in Australia to kickstart her life of marital bliss- a bottle of verve cliquot Pink Champagne, a naughty nurse outfit, a pair of my spare (unused) handcuffs (given by my beloved DL) and a nice fat dildo with the special function of perfoming some clit magic!;)
With one retired partner-in-crime, V the other best friend has ever so timely joined me to conquer the world. You see, she too has just broke up with the boyfriend and is finally enjoying the joys of bachelorettehood. We have all been dating some since we came back and it's been great. I have gathered a new experience or two. Yes, I tried having a quickie in the car with the Old Boy and then there were introductions to fuck hotels of the Hotel 81 variety.
*****
"You're the oldest man I've fucked."
The Old Boy is a sweetie. He reminded me to take him and our experience as the whole package- not just for the carnal pleasure but for everything that he would do for me at my whim and fancy.
He has been at my command, kindly doing my bidding. Each outing, his stipulated time to return home to the domestics was stretched into the wee hours of the morning until he could no longer delay going home. He bought me a bottle at the whiskey bar that we have been frequenting with friends so that I would have something to drink should he not be there. You must know that the Old Boy does not drink.
The other day, he bought a hamper of sashimi and more food and we checked into a fuck hotel. He massaged my tired back and smothered it with kisses as I laid there like a lazy fuck waiting to be serviced like a queen. Then he fed me with sashimi and pampered me (like how I thought only DL was capable of being)...
We laid next to each other as we finished our love making. The Old Boy thanked me and kissed me affectionately.
"This is always how I dreamt of us to be. Thank you.
I am going to miss you when you are gone."
"Don't worry. You'll have others.
Do not think about the future because it hasn't come, or the past as it is gone. Focus on the moment."
He nodded his head.
"It's a Buddhist teaching," I teased cheekily.
The Old Boy is a regular Sunday church goer.
****
We continued our foreplay and I propositioned another round. I was getting all hot and bothered.
He begged lightly to stop. He emphasised that I made him cum twice within 20 mins. He was all exhausted. It didn't help that I made him eat up the foot-long subway meatball sandwich he bought for us to share. He was exploding.
I pouted and got him to hold me in his arms instead.
"You are such an old man!"
At some stage, I got up to the bathroom. In my black lacy spaghetti top and black knickers and my white tiger print heels with gold chain, I sauntered before him and eyed him suggestively, "Do I look like a prostitute?"
*****
We laid down in bed for a bit. I rested on his chest.
"What do you like about me, Old Boy?"
"You are so bubbly."
At some stage, he mentioned that a girl like me would break his heart, his old heart.
I kept quiet. My heart has been broken too many times and I never thought myself capable of breaking anyone else's. I just asked that no one comes to tamper with mine.
****
We finally got up to get ready to leave. He spoke.
"Hey, we have spoken about this before remember? Don't ever fall for me, ok?"
"Don't worry. I won't." I smiled.
My heart has been battered too many times over the course of time.
It's 2008 and I hope it's not too late to learn that it's more emotionally merciful to live for the now-and-here moment.
