Monday, January 21, 2008
On Having Children
"I was just reading a book by R.D. Laing. He sent me his book The Facts of Life. In the book he refers to an experiment in which a psychoanalyst asked many mothers, "When your child was going to be born, were you really in a welcoming mood, were you ready to accept the child?" He has made a questionnaire. First question: 'Was the child accidental, or did you desire the child?'... .... Rarely was there a mother who said,'Yes, the child was welcome. I was waiting for him and I was happy.' "
"From Agony to Ecstasy", Joy: The Happiness that Comes from Within, Osho
******
I got back to work this week and have since heard announcements of three people being pregnant in the office. I did the obligatory congratulations to 2 of them.
For the past 30 mins or so, I have been surfing the internet and have read about kids attending kindergarten classes and the exorbitant tuition fees one pay for a child's education enough for one year's mortgage payment or something. Also I just realised that kids are attending school at a much younger age. I thought attending nursery at 4 back in my days was bad enough and I had to bloody learn to play the organ as part of the kindergarten school curriculum at 5. These days, there is this thing called the pre-nursery and even the Old Boy's little one is on it!
Then I read about one blogger's kid daily act up prior to school. I remember those days of my life- that insecurity I felt as a child and everytime I was ushered into that evil Mrs Tan's class, I thought I was so going to die. There was a little window in each of the classroom door and the face of my mother's face did nothing to add comfort to my vulnerable little heart and only sought to heighten my fear. Nothing did appease my fear except for the ever protective presence of my Nan but she was often replaced by the presence of Mum who was there because the Older Sibling and I went to school together. The Old Sibling was very much Mum's child as I was to Nan. Whilst I was reading the blog, I felt the closing in of my heart, that anxiety I felt as a child once more...
Times like this I vow I never have children. Even any discomfort that our little Fluffball (though she is just a pet) experiences is enough to send DL and I heart palpitations. I remember vividly last September where the 3 of us made a trip to Melbourne. That night, we went out for dinner at Nobu in Crown Casino and left her at the residence where we were putting up. It was the night where we wined, dined and cried a lot as we openly discussed the brewing undercurrent of our relationship for the first time. When we returned, we found Fluffball looking a little dull in spirit and was to find out the next morning from the hostess of the residence that Fluffball has been crying all night and she refused to be invited to lie in the bed of the hostess with her poodle dog. She wanted to be left alone in our bedroom and she jumped up our bed and sat there wailing away for a long time....
So that broke our hearts. We cuddled, kissed and pep talked her all day to restore her faith in us. The next day, DL ensured that Fluffball was to be taken wherever we went, even if it meant leaving her in the car where she is familiar and used to be being in. So we drove everywhere and paid expensive parking although we stayed in the city. DL vowed never to go away on holidays together again as long as our little one lives. That year we went away to New Zealand for five days and on holidays internationally for the first time in our then 6-year relationship, he was all teary and homesick for leaving our precious little one at home. Mind you, we left her to no stranger but the Older Sibling after much deliberation as DL didn't see a luxury pet hotel with bed and TV as an option for his little princess.
Which leads me to the thought about the vulnerability of young things...
Children never make sense to me. Emotionally and financially. It's all good and easy to make them, bring them to the world and love them as best as you could. But then again, one can never be too sure about how they turn out- unpredictable investments they are and an almost thankless endeavour with irrevocable consequences. First off, it's hard to provide the material things in this world where we live in. Then there is the internal, psychological aspect of them that you could never be too sure of. How much must a parent give to provide that sense of emotional security before the kid is deemed overly protected?
That blog which I read about the blogger's kid going to school for some strange reason triggered my memory of shudders, anxiety and panic attacks, although I am sure she wrote it for and in amusement. But still, I identify with that psyche of that child. For that, I wonder if I would ever have children for fear of leaving them with a sort of emotional/mental scarring that will spillover to their adulthood. Guess most kids get over it but then, most tend to remember their first days at school.
When we were 15, V was a hardcore feminist. We were on the subject of having kids and we both concurred that children are something "progressive" females like us could do without. She added, "We do not need to over-populate the earth. There are enough people already." Sure, her views would have softened over the years but those sentences have since stuck to my mind.
But first off at this stage in my life, the thought of funding private education seemed like a far reaching idea. A good AUD$10,000 per semester of private tuition fees in primary school, not to mention school uniform, books, extracurricular activities and buying your kids all the experiences that they could get out of international field trips and excursions seem all too daunting for me to begin with. How people could do it, I do not know. Bravery must be the key. Let's not forget that the emotional/ psychological stability of the child is another important aspect that would need to be ensured for with creating the right family environment for the child to function healthily. But then again, how could one be too sure about anything?
Hmmm, it's now 1.25a.m Monday morning at the moment. I am still getting the same pre-Monday blues (called anxiety) that I experienced as a child since I was no more than four years of age. I used to suffer acute insomnia each Sunday night by the time I turned 10...
So yeah, I have been in a congratulatory mood to those at work who have been spotted with radiant glows on their faces and expanding silhouettes. All I can REALLY think of is how the workplace pregnancies are going to benefit yours truly here in advancing her position at work. And who knows when I am emotionally ready to have children, my bank balance will tell the same story and I too, might well be truly radiating with that after-glow of a proud mum-to-be and understanding fully what these ladies are going through...
"I was just reading a book by R.D. Laing. He sent me his book The Facts of Life. In the book he refers to an experiment in which a psychoanalyst asked many mothers, "When your child was going to be born, were you really in a welcoming mood, were you ready to accept the child?" He has made a questionnaire. First question: 'Was the child accidental, or did you desire the child?'... .... Rarely was there a mother who said,'Yes, the child was welcome. I was waiting for him and I was happy.' "
"From Agony to Ecstasy", Joy: The Happiness that Comes from Within, Osho
******
I got back to work this week and have since heard announcements of three people being pregnant in the office. I did the obligatory congratulations to 2 of them.
For the past 30 mins or so, I have been surfing the internet and have read about kids attending kindergarten classes and the exorbitant tuition fees one pay for a child's education enough for one year's mortgage payment or something. Also I just realised that kids are attending school at a much younger age. I thought attending nursery at 4 back in my days was bad enough and I had to bloody learn to play the organ as part of the kindergarten school curriculum at 5. These days, there is this thing called the pre-nursery and even the Old Boy's little one is on it!
Then I read about one blogger's kid daily act up prior to school. I remember those days of my life- that insecurity I felt as a child and everytime I was ushered into that evil Mrs Tan's class, I thought I was so going to die. There was a little window in each of the classroom door and the face of my mother's face did nothing to add comfort to my vulnerable little heart and only sought to heighten my fear. Nothing did appease my fear except for the ever protective presence of my Nan but she was often replaced by the presence of Mum who was there because the Older Sibling and I went to school together. The Old Sibling was very much Mum's child as I was to Nan. Whilst I was reading the blog, I felt the closing in of my heart, that anxiety I felt as a child once more...
Times like this I vow I never have children. Even any discomfort that our little Fluffball (though she is just a pet) experiences is enough to send DL and I heart palpitations. I remember vividly last September where the 3 of us made a trip to Melbourne. That night, we went out for dinner at Nobu in Crown Casino and left her at the residence where we were putting up. It was the night where we wined, dined and cried a lot as we openly discussed the brewing undercurrent of our relationship for the first time. When we returned, we found Fluffball looking a little dull in spirit and was to find out the next morning from the hostess of the residence that Fluffball has been crying all night and she refused to be invited to lie in the bed of the hostess with her poodle dog. She wanted to be left alone in our bedroom and she jumped up our bed and sat there wailing away for a long time....
So that broke our hearts. We cuddled, kissed and pep talked her all day to restore her faith in us. The next day, DL ensured that Fluffball was to be taken wherever we went, even if it meant leaving her in the car where she is familiar and used to be being in. So we drove everywhere and paid expensive parking although we stayed in the city. DL vowed never to go away on holidays together again as long as our little one lives. That year we went away to New Zealand for five days and on holidays internationally for the first time in our then 6-year relationship, he was all teary and homesick for leaving our precious little one at home. Mind you, we left her to no stranger but the Older Sibling after much deliberation as DL didn't see a luxury pet hotel with bed and TV as an option for his little princess.
Which leads me to the thought about the vulnerability of young things...
Children never make sense to me. Emotionally and financially. It's all good and easy to make them, bring them to the world and love them as best as you could. But then again, one can never be too sure about how they turn out- unpredictable investments they are and an almost thankless endeavour with irrevocable consequences. First off, it's hard to provide the material things in this world where we live in. Then there is the internal, psychological aspect of them that you could never be too sure of. How much must a parent give to provide that sense of emotional security before the kid is deemed overly protected?
That blog which I read about the blogger's kid going to school for some strange reason triggered my memory of shudders, anxiety and panic attacks, although I am sure she wrote it for and in amusement. But still, I identify with that psyche of that child. For that, I wonder if I would ever have children for fear of leaving them with a sort of emotional/mental scarring that will spillover to their adulthood. Guess most kids get over it but then, most tend to remember their first days at school.
When we were 15, V was a hardcore feminist. We were on the subject of having kids and we both concurred that children are something "progressive" females like us could do without. She added, "We do not need to over-populate the earth. There are enough people already." Sure, her views would have softened over the years but those sentences have since stuck to my mind.
But first off at this stage in my life, the thought of funding private education seemed like a far reaching idea. A good AUD$10,000 per semester of private tuition fees in primary school, not to mention school uniform, books, extracurricular activities and buying your kids all the experiences that they could get out of international field trips and excursions seem all too daunting for me to begin with. How people could do it, I do not know. Bravery must be the key. Let's not forget that the emotional/ psychological stability of the child is another important aspect that would need to be ensured for with creating the right family environment for the child to function healthily. But then again, how could one be too sure about anything?
Hmmm, it's now 1.25a.m Monday morning at the moment. I am still getting the same pre-Monday blues (called anxiety) that I experienced as a child since I was no more than four years of age. I used to suffer acute insomnia each Sunday night by the time I turned 10...
So yeah, I have been in a congratulatory mood to those at work who have been spotted with radiant glows on their faces and expanding silhouettes. All I can REALLY think of is how the workplace pregnancies are going to benefit yours truly here in advancing her position at work. And who knows when I am emotionally ready to have children, my bank balance will tell the same story and I too, might well be truly radiating with that after-glow of a proud mum-to-be and understanding fully what these ladies are going through...
