Thursday, October 28, 2010
An Old Riddle Unravelled (Moving forward from "The Meeting")
Within expectations, I didn't get to meet up with Dopey in Sydney this time. Dope is back in the game, career wise and as busy as a bee could be, wheeling and dealing multi-billion dollar deals within the financial markets. He has risen up the ranks and seems to need more than 24 hours a day.
For old friend's sake, I like to make it an annual affair to catch up when I am back in town. But even waiting up till 1am proved to be futile since his work schedule has a timely way of keeping up with me. Work stretched till nearly 3am and by 8.30am, he is back at work. Tough luck.
We did the texting to and fro thing.
I asked him what exactly was his position title now.
He told me sometimes it was this and sometimes that, depending on who he was dealing with.
Vague and nice as he liked it, he texted.
What is so nice about being vague, I asked. Have he ever thought if he weren't so vague about us, things could have taken a different turn? I continued.
I don't think of the could have beens. No point!
I agree with you and came to realise about my past experiences after Nepal and my nervous breakdown since the past is gone, future yet to come and the present is reality. But what I do think about is what could I have done better in those past experiences for now and apply it in current situations going forward:)
I know what you mean. Maybe we could have a crack at it again:P
So that started opening up a can of worms....
Of why things never came to fruition, relationship and carnal wise... first it took a more suggestive tone and then the messages got more serious.
*****
(To cut a long story short, I will quote his side of the story, giving you the gist. We were taking it back to the October Spring of 2005...)
Because the night you stayed over i was ready for you but i thought you didn't want to. Given I was inexperienced and on a break I didn't want to push it. But I didn't tell you I was on a break. Later I went back into my relationship at the time and I didnt want to cross that path again given the previous outcome. It has bugged me since.
What did he mean by that and what path was he talking about? I asked. I wanted him to elaborate since we were on the topic of our past.
That the stars were aligned but I didn't realise. That we were lovers that did everything but love. Its a travesty of my doing
Yup. It was sad. I wanted to be in love but U were ambivalent. I cldn't sleep with u that night cos I wanted the experience to last longer & not ended up as a one nite stand which is where it wd stop in my past experience. U were a uni sweetheart/crush of mine & so that nite turned out pleasantly surprising for me & I didn't want it to end. As for the rest with DL & I & where u & I wd end, I wanted to allow fate to take me...
I appreciate what ur saying. It wouldn't have been a one night thing. We're still in touch now after all as we have a genuine connection. I hope I didn't disappoint you. I wish I wasn't so thick. Sorry. And no, ur not a pity fuck!
Thanks. I reckon, no matter what, we'll always be frens. I recalled the next morn when u ask me wat u were & I said sthg like as status quo. I was faithless & didn't think u wd want anything serious going fwd plus I didn't know u on a break. So there. No clarity = no fate
Well I hope that helps you solve our old riddle. I think I needed to tell you
Oh good. I hate to leave stones unturned. Appreciate u telling me after all these years:)
Shutting the gate after the horse bolted...
Heheheheh
Clippity clop clippity clop clippity clop clippity clop
Hahahahhaahaa! Me back in Sad Town & on my way home. 2 meetings tonite. Ttyl
Within expectations, I didn't get to meet up with Dopey in Sydney this time. Dope is back in the game, career wise and as busy as a bee could be, wheeling and dealing multi-billion dollar deals within the financial markets. He has risen up the ranks and seems to need more than 24 hours a day.
For old friend's sake, I like to make it an annual affair to catch up when I am back in town. But even waiting up till 1am proved to be futile since his work schedule has a timely way of keeping up with me. Work stretched till nearly 3am and by 8.30am, he is back at work. Tough luck.
We did the texting to and fro thing.
I asked him what exactly was his position title now.
He told me sometimes it was this and sometimes that, depending on who he was dealing with.
Vague and nice as he liked it, he texted.
What is so nice about being vague, I asked. Have he ever thought if he weren't so vague about us, things could have taken a different turn? I continued.
I don't think of the could have beens. No point!
I agree with you and came to realise about my past experiences after Nepal and my nervous breakdown since the past is gone, future yet to come and the present is reality. But what I do think about is what could I have done better in those past experiences for now and apply it in current situations going forward:)
I know what you mean. Maybe we could have a crack at it again:P
So that started opening up a can of worms....
Of why things never came to fruition, relationship and carnal wise... first it took a more suggestive tone and then the messages got more serious.
*****
(To cut a long story short, I will quote his side of the story, giving you the gist. We were taking it back to the October Spring of 2005...)
Because the night you stayed over i was ready for you but i thought you didn't want to. Given I was inexperienced and on a break I didn't want to push it. But I didn't tell you I was on a break. Later I went back into my relationship at the time and I didnt want to cross that path again given the previous outcome. It has bugged me since.
What did he mean by that and what path was he talking about? I asked. I wanted him to elaborate since we were on the topic of our past.
That the stars were aligned but I didn't realise. That we were lovers that did everything but love. Its a travesty of my doing
Yup. It was sad. I wanted to be in love but U were ambivalent. I cldn't sleep with u that night cos I wanted the experience to last longer & not ended up as a one nite stand which is where it wd stop in my past experience. U were a uni sweetheart/crush of mine & so that nite turned out pleasantly surprising for me & I didn't want it to end. As for the rest with DL & I & where u & I wd end, I wanted to allow fate to take me...
I appreciate what ur saying. It wouldn't have been a one night thing. We're still in touch now after all as we have a genuine connection. I hope I didn't disappoint you. I wish I wasn't so thick. Sorry. And no, ur not a pity fuck!
Thanks. I reckon, no matter what, we'll always be frens. I recalled the next morn when u ask me wat u were & I said sthg like as status quo. I was faithless & didn't think u wd want anything serious going fwd plus I didn't know u on a break. So there. No clarity = no fate
Well I hope that helps you solve our old riddle. I think I needed to tell you
Oh good. I hate to leave stones unturned. Appreciate u telling me after all these years:)
Shutting the gate after the horse bolted...
Heheheheh
Clippity clop clippity clop clippity clop clippity clop
Hahahahhaahaa! Me back in Sad Town & on my way home. 2 meetings tonite. Ttyl
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Men in Suits
You know that feeling when your heart skips a beat when you spot a hunk or a babe or catch that whiff of scent on a stranger that give you the tingles?
Being out of the game (in every sense, flirting and otherwise career) make me extremely sensitive to these sensations as I sat foot in Sydney. In this cosmopolitan city, where every corner allows you to spot a tall, handsome and suited man, I feel this spike in my sensual radar like never before.
At the casino, I noted a suited handsome black man having an after work drinks with his mates. In another corner, a tall, beefy Asian croupier spun the Fortune Wheel as punters placed their bets.
In the city, there were men in suits galore. I was reminded of my time in the corporate world, me smartly dressed.
Now I am a dag who has lost all flirtation skills. Don't think I remember how to give the eye or seductive smile. I feel like a nerd.
The other night, my dear old friend Dope must have tried to draw me into a suggestive conversation, probably half in good jest, the other half possibly trying his luck to suss things out. The once spontaneous P would have loved a good flirtatious word play and fanned it harder. But this time, I just let things slide and fade into oblivion.
Maybe I am just letting my life slide.
But yeah, just perving at those tall, well built suited professional men, I felt my "loins" being stirred..;)
You know that feeling when your heart skips a beat when you spot a hunk or a babe or catch that whiff of scent on a stranger that give you the tingles?
Being out of the game (in every sense, flirting and otherwise career) make me extremely sensitive to these sensations as I sat foot in Sydney. In this cosmopolitan city, where every corner allows you to spot a tall, handsome and suited man, I feel this spike in my sensual radar like never before.
At the casino, I noted a suited handsome black man having an after work drinks with his mates. In another corner, a tall, beefy Asian croupier spun the Fortune Wheel as punters placed their bets.
In the city, there were men in suits galore. I was reminded of my time in the corporate world, me smartly dressed.
Now I am a dag who has lost all flirtation skills. Don't think I remember how to give the eye or seductive smile. I feel like a nerd.
The other night, my dear old friend Dope must have tried to draw me into a suggestive conversation, probably half in good jest, the other half possibly trying his luck to suss things out. The once spontaneous P would have loved a good flirtatious word play and fanned it harder. But this time, I just let things slide and fade into oblivion.
Maybe I am just letting my life slide.
But yeah, just perving at those tall, well built suited professional men, I felt my "loins" being stirred..;)
Monday, October 25, 2010
On the Line
As many of you know, my finances have been on the line for quite a long while.
I don't remember when was the last time I bought myself a dress.
In fact, I don't dress up anymore and wear the most daggy repeated outfit every time I am not wearing my business uniform. I stop looking at myself in the mirror. I have probably applied make up no more than three times this year.
With a few things pending, I am in the midst of trying to wrap up this fucked up business of mine that sees me expending more money in a year than I made in three. Hiring a good lawyer to get ourselves out of this mess is in the horizon.
I got to admit I am tired. Drained.
I just want my freedom back- being enslaved to debts whilst we slogged our asses off is just not that sort of life DL and I have envisioned our joint lives to be.
I mean, me, good old P is supposed to lead a charmed life, isn't she?
At all costs, we want our freedom back.
Heck the money foregone, think about how to make more going forward. Anything but this darned business.
Don't worry about the money, my mum said. Even she has relented. I just want my children to be happy, she continued.
So where do we start?
I am quite happy to be a cleaner to be honest. Waitressing is not a bad idea except I can't foresee myself working another late night, at least not when it's not my own business.
With much trepidation, I actually and painfully put together a resume, then a cover letter.
You see, I never thought I would ever need one again in my life. Or to get a reference from my past employer. I have been secretly resentful when I left despite the hearty farewells and presents.
Truth be told, in my memory I lumped the dark years of my emotionally disturbed life with my time in the corporate world. I was not in control. I was a train wreck.
I always had the good mind to wipe my life in Sydney and my life in corporate suit out of my memory or existence forever. Except the part where I made good enough play money.
Really, I would much prefer my corporate experience as a thing of the past. Never to be repeated in my planned charmed life going forward.
The thought of wearing a suit and going to work in public transport as a salaried professional have a way of sending me heart palpitations.
I was and am actually scared.
So you see, I needed to gain control over my life so I got myself a business instead. Really, I wanted to buy myself a job.
Now with everything on the line, I realise the necessity to go and get a job has become so real, there is no escaping.
I need to put myself out there. On the line. To be judged.
After shortlisting a number of prospective jobs which I think I have the relevant experience and skill sets for, I started uploading my resume and cover letter. I applied for a consulting job on Friday. I was praying for an interview. In fact, I reckon I would score one.
On Sunday, I got a rejection email. I was shattered. My anxiety rising again.
I have been out of the game too long.
So where does that leave me?
Today, I am in Sydney. My mum is in town.
It's been ages since I took a train in this cosmopolitan city. I was definitely out of practice. My heart skipped a bit as my radar was up and I spotted tramps and junkies walking in the train station and carefully meandered my way through the crowds to avoid coming into close proximity with these types. It's funny how one can become so un-used so quickly to the landscape and tempo of city life though one has lived and travelled in big major cities and have come across enough lunatics and junkies to be de-sanitised.
I took a train to the Wynyard Station (before heading to the Older Sibling's house in the fancy Lower North Shore) where once upon a time, I used to alight every morning to get to work, jostled in the crowd, semi-depressed and breakfast in one hand as I brisk walked to work with a heavy heart.
I decided to go to the Hunter Connection where I would occasionally go for my favourite Malaysian Har Mee for lunch at this particular Malaysian eatery with Dopey or alone for old times' sake since my stomach was rumbling. Spontaneously, I decided to send Dope a SMS to see if he was up for lunch. It's been more than a year since we last met. Unfortunately, he has a business lunch.
Alone I went.
The Har Mee was unavailable today so I opted for Hainanese chicken rice. The man seemed to recognise me like I have never left. I was looking daggy in jeans and in my old winter coat, hair in a mess. It has been more than two years since I left Sydney.
Nothing seemed to have changed- the people working in the eatery, the food and the type of people who frequented the joint.
I sat alone eating.
On my right, two men in corporate suits were talking, one caucasian and one Asian. They were discussing about the banking systems and what not. My headhunter's radar got up. I got a sense that these guys were from the buy-side ie. funds management.
On my left was a young Asian couple. They must be in their mid-twenties. Both of them were in corporate wear. The guy was complaining to his girlfriend about work and possibly about his superior and how superior wasn't treating him right at work and basically being unreasonable but not willing to give him feedback on his work. I felt that heart palpitation once more and shivered at the thought of being back in the corporate world or in the game so to speak. For some reason, the couple reminded me about Dopey and I. He used to look stress from work and would complain more quietly about his passive aggressive boss.
It was not too long ago that I was there, just like the young couple.
Why do they look young to me, I wonder?
At age 31, I really do feel I haven't the energy to want to be in the rat race or climb up the corporate ladder so to speak.
It is strange. Me sitting where I was in that eatery. Once upon a time, I sat in that very same spot, except I was hungry for power and driven, despite my constant fatigue and unhappiness.
It dawned on me that I was the one who have changed.
I was almost afraid I might bump into someone from my past life in the corporate world. I quickly wiped my mouth after lunch and continued on my journey.
After lunch, I got a sms from Dope who asked if everything is ok in my universe.
Nope, I said. Then I texted him about my observation of that Asian couple I just saw at our Malaysian eatery and I told him it reminded me of us a few years ago and it gave me the shivers to think that I need to be back working for someone else again.
How was he, I asked.
Busier than before, he said. The only difference now is that he now has two Associates working under him. Dope is not longer an Analyst. He has risen from the ranks. Still in the corporate world, still in the rat race.
He used to practically lived in the office when he was still working for the American investment bank. Busier now? But you used to work heaps already, I said.
I mean how many hours does he have a day, I wonder?
Even in my business, I could start at 8am and be home at 10pm and that is enough to take the life out of me. I realise even my body is not as resilient as it used to be.
My current life thematically dominated by my business affair is in limbo.
The idea of being back in the work force only adds to the anxiety.
I mean, I am back on the line.
I almost feel naked, exposed.
I just want my life back.
Normalised. Get out of my current situation, get rid of those god awful credit card debts and no more living hand to mouth. No more feeling trapped in a situation where my expenses flood in faster than my income could handle.
It feels like there is little choice at the moment but to get a real job.
Both are equally scary prospects, except now that my entire life is being put on the line, the latter might well be a more merciful choice.
In any case, something's got to give.
I am just biding my time and I reckon time will lead me to where I am meant to be.
Right now, all I know is I just want my freedom back, even if it means having to work for someone else. Perhaps.
As many of you know, my finances have been on the line for quite a long while.
I don't remember when was the last time I bought myself a dress.
In fact, I don't dress up anymore and wear the most daggy repeated outfit every time I am not wearing my business uniform. I stop looking at myself in the mirror. I have probably applied make up no more than three times this year.
With a few things pending, I am in the midst of trying to wrap up this fucked up business of mine that sees me expending more money in a year than I made in three. Hiring a good lawyer to get ourselves out of this mess is in the horizon.
I got to admit I am tired. Drained.
I just want my freedom back- being enslaved to debts whilst we slogged our asses off is just not that sort of life DL and I have envisioned our joint lives to be.
I mean, me, good old P is supposed to lead a charmed life, isn't she?
At all costs, we want our freedom back.
Heck the money foregone, think about how to make more going forward. Anything but this darned business.
Don't worry about the money, my mum said. Even she has relented. I just want my children to be happy, she continued.
So where do we start?
I am quite happy to be a cleaner to be honest. Waitressing is not a bad idea except I can't foresee myself working another late night, at least not when it's not my own business.
With much trepidation, I actually and painfully put together a resume, then a cover letter.
You see, I never thought I would ever need one again in my life. Or to get a reference from my past employer. I have been secretly resentful when I left despite the hearty farewells and presents.
Truth be told, in my memory I lumped the dark years of my emotionally disturbed life with my time in the corporate world. I was not in control. I was a train wreck.
I always had the good mind to wipe my life in Sydney and my life in corporate suit out of my memory or existence forever. Except the part where I made good enough play money.
Really, I would much prefer my corporate experience as a thing of the past. Never to be repeated in my planned charmed life going forward.
The thought of wearing a suit and going to work in public transport as a salaried professional have a way of sending me heart palpitations.
I was and am actually scared.
So you see, I needed to gain control over my life so I got myself a business instead. Really, I wanted to buy myself a job.
Now with everything on the line, I realise the necessity to go and get a job has become so real, there is no escaping.
I need to put myself out there. On the line. To be judged.
After shortlisting a number of prospective jobs which I think I have the relevant experience and skill sets for, I started uploading my resume and cover letter. I applied for a consulting job on Friday. I was praying for an interview. In fact, I reckon I would score one.
On Sunday, I got a rejection email. I was shattered. My anxiety rising again.
I have been out of the game too long.
So where does that leave me?
Today, I am in Sydney. My mum is in town.
It's been ages since I took a train in this cosmopolitan city. I was definitely out of practice. My heart skipped a bit as my radar was up and I spotted tramps and junkies walking in the train station and carefully meandered my way through the crowds to avoid coming into close proximity with these types. It's funny how one can become so un-used so quickly to the landscape and tempo of city life though one has lived and travelled in big major cities and have come across enough lunatics and junkies to be de-sanitised.
I took a train to the Wynyard Station (before heading to the Older Sibling's house in the fancy Lower North Shore) where once upon a time, I used to alight every morning to get to work, jostled in the crowd, semi-depressed and breakfast in one hand as I brisk walked to work with a heavy heart.
I decided to go to the Hunter Connection where I would occasionally go for my favourite Malaysian Har Mee for lunch at this particular Malaysian eatery with Dopey or alone for old times' sake since my stomach was rumbling. Spontaneously, I decided to send Dope a SMS to see if he was up for lunch. It's been more than a year since we last met. Unfortunately, he has a business lunch.
Alone I went.
The Har Mee was unavailable today so I opted for Hainanese chicken rice. The man seemed to recognise me like I have never left. I was looking daggy in jeans and in my old winter coat, hair in a mess. It has been more than two years since I left Sydney.
Nothing seemed to have changed- the people working in the eatery, the food and the type of people who frequented the joint.
I sat alone eating.
On my right, two men in corporate suits were talking, one caucasian and one Asian. They were discussing about the banking systems and what not. My headhunter's radar got up. I got a sense that these guys were from the buy-side ie. funds management.
On my left was a young Asian couple. They must be in their mid-twenties. Both of them were in corporate wear. The guy was complaining to his girlfriend about work and possibly about his superior and how superior wasn't treating him right at work and basically being unreasonable but not willing to give him feedback on his work. I felt that heart palpitation once more and shivered at the thought of being back in the corporate world or in the game so to speak. For some reason, the couple reminded me about Dopey and I. He used to look stress from work and would complain more quietly about his passive aggressive boss.
It was not too long ago that I was there, just like the young couple.
Why do they look young to me, I wonder?
At age 31, I really do feel I haven't the energy to want to be in the rat race or climb up the corporate ladder so to speak.
It is strange. Me sitting where I was in that eatery. Once upon a time, I sat in that very same spot, except I was hungry for power and driven, despite my constant fatigue and unhappiness.
It dawned on me that I was the one who have changed.
I was almost afraid I might bump into someone from my past life in the corporate world. I quickly wiped my mouth after lunch and continued on my journey.
After lunch, I got a sms from Dope who asked if everything is ok in my universe.
Nope, I said. Then I texted him about my observation of that Asian couple I just saw at our Malaysian eatery and I told him it reminded me of us a few years ago and it gave me the shivers to think that I need to be back working for someone else again.
How was he, I asked.
Busier than before, he said. The only difference now is that he now has two Associates working under him. Dope is not longer an Analyst. He has risen from the ranks. Still in the corporate world, still in the rat race.
He used to practically lived in the office when he was still working for the American investment bank. Busier now? But you used to work heaps already, I said.
I mean how many hours does he have a day, I wonder?
Even in my business, I could start at 8am and be home at 10pm and that is enough to take the life out of me. I realise even my body is not as resilient as it used to be.
My current life thematically dominated by my business affair is in limbo.
The idea of being back in the work force only adds to the anxiety.
I mean, I am back on the line.
I almost feel naked, exposed.
I just want my life back.
Normalised. Get out of my current situation, get rid of those god awful credit card debts and no more living hand to mouth. No more feeling trapped in a situation where my expenses flood in faster than my income could handle.
It feels like there is little choice at the moment but to get a real job.
Both are equally scary prospects, except now that my entire life is being put on the line, the latter might well be a more merciful choice.
In any case, something's got to give.
I am just biding my time and I reckon time will lead me to where I am meant to be.
Right now, all I know is I just want my freedom back, even if it means having to work for someone else. Perhaps.
Monday, October 18, 2010
End of the Road
or is it the beginning of a new life?
So yes, I have hit the end of the road with the business.
Bills, bills and more bills. Then there is all the failed deals. A few innocent people got hurt along the way. I had a week of sleepless nights and chasing all over town for money taken off by a rogue crook. I could only threaten to take him to the authorities, except the business of a good person will be severely compromised. I could only threaten and that was it.
Revenge needs to take the form of the unorthodox kind. The crook needs fixing up. Someday, we promised ourselves. Some day.
I have wheeled and dealed on both sides of the law and still under the table deals can fall through.
I have exhausted all my resources and used up all my bag of tricks.
Then there are the suckers who first took my money and fooled me into buying the business don't stop taking.
I am tired.
Last Friday, I broke down and cried in my home office.
I haven't sobbed and cried so loudly for the longest.
I didn't know how I could go on. I really don't.
Even to plan for an exit route, I still need more dole. An extra $22,000 or so to bail us out.
I sat down and did the sums yesterday. We are looking at a debt of $325,000.
The price for me to learn to smarten up.
I am only 31. Imagine the amount we have just spent in a year that I used to take 3 years to make as a headhunter. It feels like a long year.
Thankfully, we have no kids.
Or rather, I am thankful that I am still alive.
So I decided to ask for a sign on how to move forward in my life. I walked to the book shelf and picked out a book of quotes " Be Happy".
Voila- there laid my life's lesson:
Cut your Losses
Every good poker player knows it:
sometimes you have to throw in your hand.
The trick is knowing when to fight on
and when to bail out.
A good general rule:
when it's causing more harm than good,
it's time to leave it.
- Being able to persist is not the most important thing- the ability to start over is. F. Scott Fitzgerald
Time to pack up, Warrior, I told myself.
or is it the beginning of a new life?
So yes, I have hit the end of the road with the business.
Bills, bills and more bills. Then there is all the failed deals. A few innocent people got hurt along the way. I had a week of sleepless nights and chasing all over town for money taken off by a rogue crook. I could only threaten to take him to the authorities, except the business of a good person will be severely compromised. I could only threaten and that was it.
Revenge needs to take the form of the unorthodox kind. The crook needs fixing up. Someday, we promised ourselves. Some day.
I have wheeled and dealed on both sides of the law and still under the table deals can fall through.
I have exhausted all my resources and used up all my bag of tricks.
Then there are the suckers who first took my money and fooled me into buying the business don't stop taking.
I am tired.
Last Friday, I broke down and cried in my home office.
I haven't sobbed and cried so loudly for the longest.
I didn't know how I could go on. I really don't.
Even to plan for an exit route, I still need more dole. An extra $22,000 or so to bail us out.
I sat down and did the sums yesterday. We are looking at a debt of $325,000.
The price for me to learn to smarten up.
I am only 31. Imagine the amount we have just spent in a year that I used to take 3 years to make as a headhunter. It feels like a long year.
Thankfully, we have no kids.
Or rather, I am thankful that I am still alive.
So I decided to ask for a sign on how to move forward in my life. I walked to the book shelf and picked out a book of quotes " Be Happy".
Voila- there laid my life's lesson:
Cut your Losses
Every good poker player knows it:
sometimes you have to throw in your hand.
The trick is knowing when to fight on
and when to bail out.
A good general rule:
when it's causing more harm than good,
it's time to leave it.
- Being able to persist is not the most important thing- the ability to start over is. F. Scott Fitzgerald
Time to pack up, Warrior, I told myself.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
First In, Last Out
Sometimes I marvel at the workings of life...its ins and outs.
When I studied accounting at school and university, we learnt about different methods of inventory keeping. There is the First In First Out (FIFO) and the Last In First Out (LIFO) method of accounting for stock flow. I thought the latter was stupid- why would you want to sell your most recent stock first, assuming they are all identical when you should be thinking of getting rid of the old stuff first? Then there are perishable goods with a shelf life.
I apply that to life.
One would think that when you go into the dating circuit way before your peers, you should be ahead of the game. So you have sussed out the market before everyone else got in, then as the time is ripe with more entering into that pool of dating game, you have since trained your eye to pick that one gem in that crowd, get hitched and you exit the dating game before you become a Christmas leftover. You get overridden by your younger counterparts who form that new wave of fresh, young and delectable daters prowling and searching for fun, love or incidentally both. You see, even humans have a shelf life, though its span is subjective to the beholder. General consensus or social conditioning may suggest that ladies start hedging for an exit strategy and being more than ready to go by one’s late twenties and make way for the new. So I apply the FIFO approach to life- if you got in the game earlier than your peers, you would have had your fair bit of shopping around and first to come out with top goods.
In recent years, say the last 7 years or so, I did observed an interesting phenomenon of LIFO amongst ex-classmates from social hearsay predominantly served to me by one of my best friend, B. (You see, I am not usually home in Singapore for the most parts of the year or the whole year in this current situation so I know no better.) Vaguely remember dull Jane or ugly Betty or geeky Nelly from your high school days? Now I am beginning to think that there are some smarts around these people. In a timely fashion, they get in the dating game fast and swiftly at the “ right” age i.e. university and wasted no time in shopping and/ or coquetry, pick up THE ONE and bam, you got a marriage or in our culture, as old friends, you might be served the red bomb (ie. Chinese red coloured wedding invitations) a couple years before you shy to age 25! Might as well- just in time before Christmas! The worst thought is to become a Christmas leftover with a fast diminishing shelf life.
******
Yesterday, I took stock of my own life.
***
It has been 2 long weeks in business where deals are going awry. That is another story in itself.
Night before, DL dropped the bombshell on me. Not the red, joyous kind.
He hasn’t been happy with me- I am leading a double life, he felt. The weight our business did nothing to improve his happiness and quality of his life. The deep seated issues have compounded over the years. We left too many things unsaid and we have grown tired of even getting in an argument of you say, I say. We thought we have forgiven or let go. We both thought we did.
He could never see himself marrying me, he said. He meant it.
I do consider myself off-market for quite a while now, actually. Not because I feel like an expired good but because I have no real desire to be a shelved item.
It started off with that dull resignation or was it resolution when I decided to return to Sad Town 2 years ago to be with DL whilst I tried to make peace with my emotional mess spilt over by my past with DL pre-reconciliation and then the pain from my affair with the Old Boy. By March 2009, I was ready to make the next step. The astronomical investment into this dying/ growing business was my big leap of faith in affirming my relationship with him. You see, I am a realist and a pragmatist at the end of the day. I believe in putting my money where my mouth is.
DL will be that harbour of love for me, the errant boat to hang up sails for good.
He has always been the designated person- so why did I even grow errant? I wondered.
Well, precisely since we met at a time in our lives where this designated harbour didn’t feel so safe and secured for me. The actions of his youth (and he still is) was dictated by his emotions and recklessness, which caused a hitherto disciplined and focused P to feel like she was living a joint life with a train wreck which she had no control over. That made her unhappy for the most part. But she did feel secured in his love.
So who says one can’t live on love?
I have learnt my lesson too late.
The damage is done.
But as they say, the greatest healer in life is love.
Let’s hope we have enough in us.
Propositions coming my way these days did little to peak my excitement or send an adrenalin rush like it once did where I was that hungry, wanton cat on the prowl for the next kill to preserve my (in)sanity and Ego. I was in need of the next kill to fill in the emotional gap I experienced in my life. I could not bear that torturous feeling of emptiness.
(Funny, my Tibetan Buddhist name bestowed to me by a highly ordained monk relates to the Buddhist concept of Emptiness- the most profound Buddhist teaching that I am still trying to meditate on and come to grips with. An important lesson I need to make peace and apply in my life.)
I was always a hunter but now, I can safely say I have lost my killer instincts. But again, this is perhaps a little too late for DL.
***
I have been missing home a lot with so many challenges with our lives since the start of our business.
I missed my close friends and wonder how each of them are doing.
So Del is due to deliver a baby boy in November. She wrote to say she missed me and would be great if I was home. She has since quit her air stewardess job and took classes to learn how to bake wonderful cakes and goodies, pictures of those yummy pastries posted up on her Facebook. She adapted her role as a happy mother-to-be quite naturally and doing an awesome job out of it.
Then Janine wrote with pregnant news- second baby due sometime next year.She was another player who saw her changing boyfriends as quickly as she changed her underwear. A few disgruntled years in the corporate world and a couple more of bad relationships and staying single for couple of years or so, she found love again in church and walked down the aisle as quickly as she spotted the man of her life. In an equally unpredictable manner, they were surprised with baby news and she took up her maternal role just as effectively and lovingly.
I have yet to see my best friend, B’s baby girl in person- baby E must be fast growing. B mentioned that she is neither excited or unhappy about the arrival of that bundle of joy but knowing her, she is probably as dutiful and as adaptable as she is in handling any matters of importance. B is after all, a safe pair of hands.
My other best friend, V got married last week. I weren’t there but I sent her a text to wish her happiness. She replied that my text meant a lot to her and she wished I was there.
Yesterday, she wrote to say that she didn’t want me to say she was doing a B thing to me again- yes she just found out that she is 8 weeks pregnant so I am one of the first to know!!! Her German hubby is over the moon and it was so unreal when she felt the baby’s heartbeat. I was so happy for her.
Just yesterday before that message from her, I thought about my 2 best friends, B and V. I am now the only unmarried one standing. Their lives are in order or rather stable and they are experiencing marital bliss. Good on them.
I recall I had been one of the first to have a date with the opposite sex and always the girl with the interesting boy stories to tell.
Larger than life I had led my life. Still is, but in a struggling type of way.
I thought life struggles of the financial and emotional kind would also have a shelf life. When one hits 30, slightly older and wiser, surely those struggles would disappear with age and happier days could be had?
Here I am, that last woman standing.
The vision in my mind’s eye shows that around me, my close girl friends live a routine of marital bliss with preggie bellies. Gone are their days of emotional struggles, conflict and pain.
It wasn’t too long ago that V and I were at Pump Room where we met the German. 2.5 years ago and the memory and the feeling of fun and carefree-ness as swinging bachelorettes still haunt my memory. I was living an emotionally precarious life (little did I realise). We were pushing 29 and at New Year, we said damn, we are almost 29 and then going 30. We are now 31. The residues from that recent past continue to set a bleak backdrop to my current emotional state of mind. Trying, still trying to work on my path of happiness and inner peace, fighting those inner demons of nostalgia and pain that should have no place in my life that could otherwise be quite safe. Emotionally speaking.
The angst is long gone. For the better part of me, I have made peace. Slowly, I am coming out of my dark, heavy shell, finding happiness step by step and making the best of my life with Dl, drawing colour back to my life.
I am feeling A-ok. Until, DL's bombshell two days ago.
******
Again, my life’s path debunks my own theory at applying one’s social progression of life from the stock taking method of first in first out (FIFO).
I must be made of a different stock altogether with an infinite shelf or rather, expiry life altogether. As life would have it, I seem to set an example of that new breed of stock that might well go by the first in last out (FILO) stock keeping rule.
From the looks of life, I might as well stay in cold storage. Actually I prefer a time capsule. Marriage is no longer an option, so is that inclination to put myself on the market, so to speak.
FILO sounds to me like a case of no takers. Or do I hear taker out there?;)
So let all FILO ladies be preserved in an age defying time capsule where we bask blissfully in eternal youth!:D
Sometimes I marvel at the workings of life...its ins and outs.
When I studied accounting at school and university, we learnt about different methods of inventory keeping. There is the First In First Out (FIFO) and the Last In First Out (LIFO) method of accounting for stock flow. I thought the latter was stupid- why would you want to sell your most recent stock first, assuming they are all identical when you should be thinking of getting rid of the old stuff first? Then there are perishable goods with a shelf life.
I apply that to life.
One would think that when you go into the dating circuit way before your peers, you should be ahead of the game. So you have sussed out the market before everyone else got in, then as the time is ripe with more entering into that pool of dating game, you have since trained your eye to pick that one gem in that crowd, get hitched and you exit the dating game before you become a Christmas leftover. You get overridden by your younger counterparts who form that new wave of fresh, young and delectable daters prowling and searching for fun, love or incidentally both. You see, even humans have a shelf life, though its span is subjective to the beholder. General consensus or social conditioning may suggest that ladies start hedging for an exit strategy and being more than ready to go by one’s late twenties and make way for the new. So I apply the FIFO approach to life- if you got in the game earlier than your peers, you would have had your fair bit of shopping around and first to come out with top goods.
In recent years, say the last 7 years or so, I did observed an interesting phenomenon of LIFO amongst ex-classmates from social hearsay predominantly served to me by one of my best friend, B. (You see, I am not usually home in Singapore for the most parts of the year or the whole year in this current situation so I know no better.) Vaguely remember dull Jane or ugly Betty or geeky Nelly from your high school days? Now I am beginning to think that there are some smarts around these people. In a timely fashion, they get in the dating game fast and swiftly at the “ right” age i.e. university and wasted no time in shopping and/ or coquetry, pick up THE ONE and bam, you got a marriage or in our culture, as old friends, you might be served the red bomb (ie. Chinese red coloured wedding invitations) a couple years before you shy to age 25! Might as well- just in time before Christmas! The worst thought is to become a Christmas leftover with a fast diminishing shelf life.
******
Yesterday, I took stock of my own life.
***
It has been 2 long weeks in business where deals are going awry. That is another story in itself.
Night before, DL dropped the bombshell on me. Not the red, joyous kind.
He hasn’t been happy with me- I am leading a double life, he felt. The weight our business did nothing to improve his happiness and quality of his life. The deep seated issues have compounded over the years. We left too many things unsaid and we have grown tired of even getting in an argument of you say, I say. We thought we have forgiven or let go. We both thought we did.
He could never see himself marrying me, he said. He meant it.
I do consider myself off-market for quite a while now, actually. Not because I feel like an expired good but because I have no real desire to be a shelved item.
It started off with that dull resignation or was it resolution when I decided to return to Sad Town 2 years ago to be with DL whilst I tried to make peace with my emotional mess spilt over by my past with DL pre-reconciliation and then the pain from my affair with the Old Boy. By March 2009, I was ready to make the next step. The astronomical investment into this dying/ growing business was my big leap of faith in affirming my relationship with him. You see, I am a realist and a pragmatist at the end of the day. I believe in putting my money where my mouth is.
DL will be that harbour of love for me, the errant boat to hang up sails for good.
He has always been the designated person- so why did I even grow errant? I wondered.
Well, precisely since we met at a time in our lives where this designated harbour didn’t feel so safe and secured for me. The actions of his youth (and he still is) was dictated by his emotions and recklessness, which caused a hitherto disciplined and focused P to feel like she was living a joint life with a train wreck which she had no control over. That made her unhappy for the most part. But she did feel secured in his love.
So who says one can’t live on love?
I have learnt my lesson too late.
The damage is done.
But as they say, the greatest healer in life is love.
Let’s hope we have enough in us.
Propositions coming my way these days did little to peak my excitement or send an adrenalin rush like it once did where I was that hungry, wanton cat on the prowl for the next kill to preserve my (in)sanity and Ego. I was in need of the next kill to fill in the emotional gap I experienced in my life. I could not bear that torturous feeling of emptiness.
(Funny, my Tibetan Buddhist name bestowed to me by a highly ordained monk relates to the Buddhist concept of Emptiness- the most profound Buddhist teaching that I am still trying to meditate on and come to grips with. An important lesson I need to make peace and apply in my life.)
I was always a hunter but now, I can safely say I have lost my killer instincts. But again, this is perhaps a little too late for DL.
***
I have been missing home a lot with so many challenges with our lives since the start of our business.
I missed my close friends and wonder how each of them are doing.
So Del is due to deliver a baby boy in November. She wrote to say she missed me and would be great if I was home. She has since quit her air stewardess job and took classes to learn how to bake wonderful cakes and goodies, pictures of those yummy pastries posted up on her Facebook. She adapted her role as a happy mother-to-be quite naturally and doing an awesome job out of it.
Then Janine wrote with pregnant news- second baby due sometime next year.She was another player who saw her changing boyfriends as quickly as she changed her underwear. A few disgruntled years in the corporate world and a couple more of bad relationships and staying single for couple of years or so, she found love again in church and walked down the aisle as quickly as she spotted the man of her life. In an equally unpredictable manner, they were surprised with baby news and she took up her maternal role just as effectively and lovingly.
I have yet to see my best friend, B’s baby girl in person- baby E must be fast growing. B mentioned that she is neither excited or unhappy about the arrival of that bundle of joy but knowing her, she is probably as dutiful and as adaptable as she is in handling any matters of importance. B is after all, a safe pair of hands.
My other best friend, V got married last week. I weren’t there but I sent her a text to wish her happiness. She replied that my text meant a lot to her and she wished I was there.
Yesterday, she wrote to say that she didn’t want me to say she was doing a B thing to me again- yes she just found out that she is 8 weeks pregnant so I am one of the first to know!!! Her German hubby is over the moon and it was so unreal when she felt the baby’s heartbeat. I was so happy for her.
Just yesterday before that message from her, I thought about my 2 best friends, B and V. I am now the only unmarried one standing. Their lives are in order or rather stable and they are experiencing marital bliss. Good on them.
I recall I had been one of the first to have a date with the opposite sex and always the girl with the interesting boy stories to tell.
Larger than life I had led my life. Still is, but in a struggling type of way.
I thought life struggles of the financial and emotional kind would also have a shelf life. When one hits 30, slightly older and wiser, surely those struggles would disappear with age and happier days could be had?
Here I am, that last woman standing.
The vision in my mind’s eye shows that around me, my close girl friends live a routine of marital bliss with preggie bellies. Gone are their days of emotional struggles, conflict and pain.
It wasn’t too long ago that V and I were at Pump Room where we met the German. 2.5 years ago and the memory and the feeling of fun and carefree-ness as swinging bachelorettes still haunt my memory. I was living an emotionally precarious life (little did I realise). We were pushing 29 and at New Year, we said damn, we are almost 29 and then going 30. We are now 31. The residues from that recent past continue to set a bleak backdrop to my current emotional state of mind. Trying, still trying to work on my path of happiness and inner peace, fighting those inner demons of nostalgia and pain that should have no place in my life that could otherwise be quite safe. Emotionally speaking.
The angst is long gone. For the better part of me, I have made peace. Slowly, I am coming out of my dark, heavy shell, finding happiness step by step and making the best of my life with Dl, drawing colour back to my life.
I am feeling A-ok. Until, DL's bombshell two days ago.
******
Again, my life’s path debunks my own theory at applying one’s social progression of life from the stock taking method of first in first out (FIFO).
I must be made of a different stock altogether with an infinite shelf or rather, expiry life altogether. As life would have it, I seem to set an example of that new breed of stock that might well go by the first in last out (FILO) stock keeping rule.
From the looks of life, I might as well stay in cold storage. Actually I prefer a time capsule. Marriage is no longer an option, so is that inclination to put myself on the market, so to speak.
FILO sounds to me like a case of no takers. Or do I hear taker out there?;)
So let all FILO ladies be preserved in an age defying time capsule where we bask blissfully in eternal youth!:D
