Monday, October 25, 2010
On the Line
As many of you know, my finances have been on the line for quite a long while.
I don't remember when was the last time I bought myself a dress.
In fact, I don't dress up anymore and wear the most daggy repeated outfit every time I am not wearing my business uniform. I stop looking at myself in the mirror. I have probably applied make up no more than three times this year.
With a few things pending, I am in the midst of trying to wrap up this fucked up business of mine that sees me expending more money in a year than I made in three. Hiring a good lawyer to get ourselves out of this mess is in the horizon.
I got to admit I am tired. Drained.
I just want my freedom back- being enslaved to debts whilst we slogged our asses off is just not that sort of life DL and I have envisioned our joint lives to be.
I mean, me, good old P is supposed to lead a charmed life, isn't she?
At all costs, we want our freedom back.
Heck the money foregone, think about how to make more going forward. Anything but this darned business.
Don't worry about the money, my mum said. Even she has relented. I just want my children to be happy, she continued.
So where do we start?
I am quite happy to be a cleaner to be honest. Waitressing is not a bad idea except I can't foresee myself working another late night, at least not when it's not my own business.
With much trepidation, I actually and painfully put together a resume, then a cover letter.
You see, I never thought I would ever need one again in my life. Or to get a reference from my past employer. I have been secretly resentful when I left despite the hearty farewells and presents.
Truth be told, in my memory I lumped the dark years of my emotionally disturbed life with my time in the corporate world. I was not in control. I was a train wreck.
I always had the good mind to wipe my life in Sydney and my life in corporate suit out of my memory or existence forever. Except the part where I made good enough play money.
Really, I would much prefer my corporate experience as a thing of the past. Never to be repeated in my planned charmed life going forward.
The thought of wearing a suit and going to work in public transport as a salaried professional have a way of sending me heart palpitations.
I was and am actually scared.
So you see, I needed to gain control over my life so I got myself a business instead. Really, I wanted to buy myself a job.
Now with everything on the line, I realise the necessity to go and get a job has become so real, there is no escaping.
I need to put myself out there. On the line. To be judged.
After shortlisting a number of prospective jobs which I think I have the relevant experience and skill sets for, I started uploading my resume and cover letter. I applied for a consulting job on Friday. I was praying for an interview. In fact, I reckon I would score one.
On Sunday, I got a rejection email. I was shattered. My anxiety rising again.
I have been out of the game too long.
So where does that leave me?
Today, I am in Sydney. My mum is in town.
It's been ages since I took a train in this cosmopolitan city. I was definitely out of practice. My heart skipped a bit as my radar was up and I spotted tramps and junkies walking in the train station and carefully meandered my way through the crowds to avoid coming into close proximity with these types. It's funny how one can become so un-used so quickly to the landscape and tempo of city life though one has lived and travelled in big major cities and have come across enough lunatics and junkies to be de-sanitised.
I took a train to the Wynyard Station (before heading to the Older Sibling's house in the fancy Lower North Shore) where once upon a time, I used to alight every morning to get to work, jostled in the crowd, semi-depressed and breakfast in one hand as I brisk walked to work with a heavy heart.
I decided to go to the Hunter Connection where I would occasionally go for my favourite Malaysian Har Mee for lunch at this particular Malaysian eatery with Dopey or alone for old times' sake since my stomach was rumbling. Spontaneously, I decided to send Dope a SMS to see if he was up for lunch. It's been more than a year since we last met. Unfortunately, he has a business lunch.
Alone I went.
The Har Mee was unavailable today so I opted for Hainanese chicken rice. The man seemed to recognise me like I have never left. I was looking daggy in jeans and in my old winter coat, hair in a mess. It has been more than two years since I left Sydney.
Nothing seemed to have changed- the people working in the eatery, the food and the type of people who frequented the joint.
I sat alone eating.
On my right, two men in corporate suits were talking, one caucasian and one Asian. They were discussing about the banking systems and what not. My headhunter's radar got up. I got a sense that these guys were from the buy-side ie. funds management.
On my left was a young Asian couple. They must be in their mid-twenties. Both of them were in corporate wear. The guy was complaining to his girlfriend about work and possibly about his superior and how superior wasn't treating him right at work and basically being unreasonable but not willing to give him feedback on his work. I felt that heart palpitation once more and shivered at the thought of being back in the corporate world or in the game so to speak. For some reason, the couple reminded me about Dopey and I. He used to look stress from work and would complain more quietly about his passive aggressive boss.
It was not too long ago that I was there, just like the young couple.
Why do they look young to me, I wonder?
At age 31, I really do feel I haven't the energy to want to be in the rat race or climb up the corporate ladder so to speak.
It is strange. Me sitting where I was in that eatery. Once upon a time, I sat in that very same spot, except I was hungry for power and driven, despite my constant fatigue and unhappiness.
It dawned on me that I was the one who have changed.
I was almost afraid I might bump into someone from my past life in the corporate world. I quickly wiped my mouth after lunch and continued on my journey.
After lunch, I got a sms from Dope who asked if everything is ok in my universe.
Nope, I said. Then I texted him about my observation of that Asian couple I just saw at our Malaysian eatery and I told him it reminded me of us a few years ago and it gave me the shivers to think that I need to be back working for someone else again.
How was he, I asked.
Busier than before, he said. The only difference now is that he now has two Associates working under him. Dope is not longer an Analyst. He has risen from the ranks. Still in the corporate world, still in the rat race.
He used to practically lived in the office when he was still working for the American investment bank. Busier now? But you used to work heaps already, I said.
I mean how many hours does he have a day, I wonder?
Even in my business, I could start at 8am and be home at 10pm and that is enough to take the life out of me. I realise even my body is not as resilient as it used to be.
My current life thematically dominated by my business affair is in limbo.
The idea of being back in the work force only adds to the anxiety.
I mean, I am back on the line.
I almost feel naked, exposed.
I just want my life back.
Normalised. Get out of my current situation, get rid of those god awful credit card debts and no more living hand to mouth. No more feeling trapped in a situation where my expenses flood in faster than my income could handle.
It feels like there is little choice at the moment but to get a real job.
Both are equally scary prospects, except now that my entire life is being put on the line, the latter might well be a more merciful choice.
In any case, something's got to give.
I am just biding my time and I reckon time will lead me to where I am meant to be.
Right now, all I know is I just want my freedom back, even if it means having to work for someone else. Perhaps.
As many of you know, my finances have been on the line for quite a long while.
I don't remember when was the last time I bought myself a dress.
In fact, I don't dress up anymore and wear the most daggy repeated outfit every time I am not wearing my business uniform. I stop looking at myself in the mirror. I have probably applied make up no more than three times this year.
With a few things pending, I am in the midst of trying to wrap up this fucked up business of mine that sees me expending more money in a year than I made in three. Hiring a good lawyer to get ourselves out of this mess is in the horizon.
I got to admit I am tired. Drained.
I just want my freedom back- being enslaved to debts whilst we slogged our asses off is just not that sort of life DL and I have envisioned our joint lives to be.
I mean, me, good old P is supposed to lead a charmed life, isn't she?
At all costs, we want our freedom back.
Heck the money foregone, think about how to make more going forward. Anything but this darned business.
Don't worry about the money, my mum said. Even she has relented. I just want my children to be happy, she continued.
So where do we start?
I am quite happy to be a cleaner to be honest. Waitressing is not a bad idea except I can't foresee myself working another late night, at least not when it's not my own business.
With much trepidation, I actually and painfully put together a resume, then a cover letter.
You see, I never thought I would ever need one again in my life. Or to get a reference from my past employer. I have been secretly resentful when I left despite the hearty farewells and presents.
Truth be told, in my memory I lumped the dark years of my emotionally disturbed life with my time in the corporate world. I was not in control. I was a train wreck.
I always had the good mind to wipe my life in Sydney and my life in corporate suit out of my memory or existence forever. Except the part where I made good enough play money.
Really, I would much prefer my corporate experience as a thing of the past. Never to be repeated in my planned charmed life going forward.
The thought of wearing a suit and going to work in public transport as a salaried professional have a way of sending me heart palpitations.
I was and am actually scared.
So you see, I needed to gain control over my life so I got myself a business instead. Really, I wanted to buy myself a job.
Now with everything on the line, I realise the necessity to go and get a job has become so real, there is no escaping.
I need to put myself out there. On the line. To be judged.
After shortlisting a number of prospective jobs which I think I have the relevant experience and skill sets for, I started uploading my resume and cover letter. I applied for a consulting job on Friday. I was praying for an interview. In fact, I reckon I would score one.
On Sunday, I got a rejection email. I was shattered. My anxiety rising again.
I have been out of the game too long.
So where does that leave me?
Today, I am in Sydney. My mum is in town.
It's been ages since I took a train in this cosmopolitan city. I was definitely out of practice. My heart skipped a bit as my radar was up and I spotted tramps and junkies walking in the train station and carefully meandered my way through the crowds to avoid coming into close proximity with these types. It's funny how one can become so un-used so quickly to the landscape and tempo of city life though one has lived and travelled in big major cities and have come across enough lunatics and junkies to be de-sanitised.
I took a train to the Wynyard Station (before heading to the Older Sibling's house in the fancy Lower North Shore) where once upon a time, I used to alight every morning to get to work, jostled in the crowd, semi-depressed and breakfast in one hand as I brisk walked to work with a heavy heart.
I decided to go to the Hunter Connection where I would occasionally go for my favourite Malaysian Har Mee for lunch at this particular Malaysian eatery with Dopey or alone for old times' sake since my stomach was rumbling. Spontaneously, I decided to send Dope a SMS to see if he was up for lunch. It's been more than a year since we last met. Unfortunately, he has a business lunch.
Alone I went.
The Har Mee was unavailable today so I opted for Hainanese chicken rice. The man seemed to recognise me like I have never left. I was looking daggy in jeans and in my old winter coat, hair in a mess. It has been more than two years since I left Sydney.
Nothing seemed to have changed- the people working in the eatery, the food and the type of people who frequented the joint.
I sat alone eating.
On my right, two men in corporate suits were talking, one caucasian and one Asian. They were discussing about the banking systems and what not. My headhunter's radar got up. I got a sense that these guys were from the buy-side ie. funds management.
On my left was a young Asian couple. They must be in their mid-twenties. Both of them were in corporate wear. The guy was complaining to his girlfriend about work and possibly about his superior and how superior wasn't treating him right at work and basically being unreasonable but not willing to give him feedback on his work. I felt that heart palpitation once more and shivered at the thought of being back in the corporate world or in the game so to speak. For some reason, the couple reminded me about Dopey and I. He used to look stress from work and would complain more quietly about his passive aggressive boss.
It was not too long ago that I was there, just like the young couple.
Why do they look young to me, I wonder?
At age 31, I really do feel I haven't the energy to want to be in the rat race or climb up the corporate ladder so to speak.
It is strange. Me sitting where I was in that eatery. Once upon a time, I sat in that very same spot, except I was hungry for power and driven, despite my constant fatigue and unhappiness.
It dawned on me that I was the one who have changed.
I was almost afraid I might bump into someone from my past life in the corporate world. I quickly wiped my mouth after lunch and continued on my journey.
After lunch, I got a sms from Dope who asked if everything is ok in my universe.
Nope, I said. Then I texted him about my observation of that Asian couple I just saw at our Malaysian eatery and I told him it reminded me of us a few years ago and it gave me the shivers to think that I need to be back working for someone else again.
How was he, I asked.
Busier than before, he said. The only difference now is that he now has two Associates working under him. Dope is not longer an Analyst. He has risen from the ranks. Still in the corporate world, still in the rat race.
He used to practically lived in the office when he was still working for the American investment bank. Busier now? But you used to work heaps already, I said.
I mean how many hours does he have a day, I wonder?
Even in my business, I could start at 8am and be home at 10pm and that is enough to take the life out of me. I realise even my body is not as resilient as it used to be.
My current life thematically dominated by my business affair is in limbo.
The idea of being back in the work force only adds to the anxiety.
I mean, I am back on the line.
I almost feel naked, exposed.
I just want my life back.
Normalised. Get out of my current situation, get rid of those god awful credit card debts and no more living hand to mouth. No more feeling trapped in a situation where my expenses flood in faster than my income could handle.
It feels like there is little choice at the moment but to get a real job.
Both are equally scary prospects, except now that my entire life is being put on the line, the latter might well be a more merciful choice.
In any case, something's got to give.
I am just biding my time and I reckon time will lead me to where I am meant to be.
Right now, all I know is I just want my freedom back, even if it means having to work for someone else. Perhaps.
