Restructure- on your own terms

There is something magical about the mixture of great company consisting of quality philosophical conversations about life and art, alcohol and the sharing of a joint. And of course, some jazz music playing softly in the background.

I love the good buzz I get from my alcohol, the relaxing effect of weed and the aroma of it as I watch the smoke swirl up slowly before vanishing in thin air. It reminded me of my time in Paris- that scent brought me back to a time where I led the life of a bohemic artist in an apartment with old creaking floorboards not far from Momarte and my room with the view of Sacred Couer in the near distance. Ah, that bitter sweet scent. We(my friend, Leigh who was a trust fund kid turned hippie and who used to harvest and operate a hydroponics crop on a significant scale was of course quite the connoissieur)  used to smoke some really fine weed (not the loose, weak stuff) smuggled back from Amsterdam where it was kept in a clay urn in my room.

I haven't smoked one since late 2010. I had two yesterday.

Being single now with lesser domestic responsibilities and worries now meant I could resume my social life with people I care to keep company with and indulge in a good banter. Between the three of us, we have possess a  good number of artists, writers, dreamers, and philosopher traits in us, not to mention me as a through and through dilettante. How we all ended up in Sad Town was thanks to moi. Soci came to do his philosophy degree because I told him about the local university but I didn't knew him before. I knew his dad, who was the Old Boy's good friend and who had decided to introduce his son to me so that I could give him some education advice ( he was meant to go to the expensive Bond University in the Gold Coast whom it he could well have ended up more of a beach bum than a hippie). And then I met Destiny, a talented fashion designer and artist (and I should also add brilliant self-taught hairdresser) at a party back in Singapore and where they were introduced to each other at the pre-F1 party at the White Rabbit. The rest is history. She decided to follow her heart and came along to be with her love. And almost five year on, they are still one.

We sat together and drank bottles of beer and cider and smoked a joint together inside my house. My bachelorette house where I can do whatever I please now because it belongs to me and only me. That all familiar dryness I feel in my throat everytime I inhale the smokes deeply before I exhale as we watch the smoke swirl up the air and the smoke from the joint doing a slow, lazy upward spiral. We chatted about my new boy/ object of affection, relationships, life, Soci's next steps (given his long overdue pending graduation which he took his time to complete but scoring Distinction averages on his essays) and Destiny's career plans. We finished a bag of Doritos and Chickadees (can you imagine? I found this childhood snack here at a local supermarket!) on top of that. We just had dinner at a Soul Food Restaurant with another bunch of friends prior.

It was simply awesome company and I felt I am slowly getting back my social life again. We called it a night at a very civillised hour, just before twelve midnight and I sat back on the couch and relaxed, feeling as drowsy and sleepy as an insomniac like me could possibly get...

I must be growing older...
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Despite my inclination to infatuations, heartaches, pain and nostalgia in my past life, I wasn't one who was much of a touchy feely person in the affectionate way. Rather, I was more sexual than sensual.

Ironically, I am always trying to recapture the  sweet, lyrical high school sweetheart  experience that has been lost in time and despite so, I am not one who truly do cuddles well in bed or the couple thing of snuggling up on the couch with a loved one. Enjoying a shower with anyone was definitely not something I enjoy although I do recall an isolated incident where DL and I first got together. He helped me wash my hair  and as he pushed my wet hair and fringe from my forehead carefully towards the back of my head, he smiled kindly at me said that I was such a baby and he would love to take care of me and do that for me for the rest of our lives. I was such a precious baby princess to him and that look of love he had for me did stay in our joint lives for so many years on and every so often, I still catch that glimpse in his look when I hang out at his place and in my childish and quirky way, I would continue to be still at ease with  him by making myself a caricuture of some unknown character-making funny faces, singing terribly and dancing in a shameless and disgusting way reserved for the company of someone familiar, like my own siblings and parents (because I can truly be in my own world relaxed and crank up on my impulsion to be that quirky me that very much made me an oddball in my parents' and siblings' eyes since I was a child). He would look on amused and I sometimes catch that same glimpse of familiar affection in his eyes, only he is quick to re-compose himself and dismiss my idiosyncracies...

For the most part, I like having my own quiet time surrounded by my own private thoughts and to be generally left alone but expected to be paid attention on demand.

In my errant past, I have crossed paths with a few guys who were sweet and sensual- they loved giving me the warm cuddles in bed where they wrapped their arms around me so tight like they never wanted me out of their sight, rubbed noses with me softly and kissed me with such moist, sweet and sensually delightful kisses like I was the only one that counted at that moment- their lives revolved around me and existed there and then to only serve and please me. Their gestures in those moments touched me. At times,I wish I could simply fall in love with them carelessly, except I am a cynic and pragmatist with that niggling voice cautioning me in my head that I needed to know where my loyalty lie and to continue on with the course of the life I have set for myself...

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Lately, I have been thinking. I am now single. What harm is it for me to throw some caution to the wind and try for once to indulge in some affection and loving?

Besides, I am too old to get my heart broken.

if I blew it with my honesty.

He was sweet and has been trying to get me to send pictures of my worsening eczema condition so he could do some research on what could be done.

He reminds me of DL in a good way, his health consciousness, sportiness, fussing over my diet and unhealthy living habits right down to him being a chef.

I have spent lots of time staring at his picture and tilting my head in various angles to see if I have missed out something in those near "perfect" facial features and this beautifully kind soul. 

I don't know- my mind have been wandering to his thoughts. We'll see...

As usual, we chatted at random times of the day on weekends and in evenings.

Hey, I need to take a dump, he said.

Ok, we talk later then, I said.

No, I was thinking that we will continue talking while I shit.

Yikes. Why do you have to tell me?

What's wrong? Don't you shit too? he sounded amused on the other end.

Yes... you remind me of my best friend (was thinking of B) who used to ring me from overseas only when she was in the toilet taking a dump... and now that you have told me, I am imagining you shitting and talking to me... it's weird ok? I wish you didn't tell me so we could continue talking- now I find it really hard to focus with the thought of you shitting before me...I mumbled squirmishly, equally amused and embarrassed for both of us having this rather awkward conversation.

He laughed. Ok fine, fine. I am going to hang up. I'll call you when I am done!

As usual, we would hang up in a rather abrupt manner (minus any pleasantries like how familiar friends would do) just as spontaneous as we would dial to speak to the other.

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The phone rang minutes later.

OK. I am back.

All done?

Yes... he laughed.

Did you wash your hands? ( A question I was so fond of asking DL each time I hear him come out of the toilet and not hear the tap run prior- towards the end of it, I irritated the hell out of him and he would NOT wash his hands which would then make me resent him more)

Actually no... you want to smell my hands?

Yikkkessss.....

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You know what is the weird thing? You are the first girl I could talk so openly to since I moved here four years ago...

Dude, that's cos I am such a nice girl and I get along well with everyone, I joked.

I am serious.

(a few seconds of silence)

Dude- you know are really quite good looking. Surely, you would have girls interested in you?

Yeah but I reckon I would go back to my home country eventually sooo I don't want to waste anyone's time...

It's the 21st century man. If you find someone you love, surely she could move back with you to your home country eventually?

I haven't found that person...

(mood getting a little heavy)

Well, it's a shame you don't walk around the block a little more. You would definitely get laid;)....I chirped in brightly to deflect the growing seriousness.

I am not that one night stand type of guy I told you...

Perhaps a few nights' stand...;p

Will you?

I was kind of that sort of girl before but not now. Can't see myself going back...

So did you like any of the guys?

Of course I did and that sucked!

So now?

I don't have much of a sex drive though.

But will you sleep with the guy you like?

Of course I will but I think I would be more shy and reserved.

So you will?

Yes, can we move on from this already????

I am not sure what that feeling is.

But I would call it the feeling of in-between.

It is the feeling where I experienced the promise of romance and  essence of youth in the backdrop intermingled with lots of laughter and candid, embarrassing exchanges that can only be found in the camaraderie of platonic friendships.

I am not sure if I am infatuated yet. But I sure do look forward to the funny conversations and find myself smiling a lot with a renewed spring in my step.

And boy, is he a looker;)

There are two things that I would really love to tick off before I die.

1) To have my own fashion label;
2) To have a published work of short stories.

As far as my memory could take me, I love drawing since I was a child, around aged three or so. I remember having a fondness for scribbling and doodling with my pencil on a piece of paper lightly and then I would start seeing images in the mad chaos of scribble which I would "trace" them out to form pictures. I don't know how my love for doodle drawing transited to fashion designing but what I do recall is by around the age of six, I started designing clothes. Adult clothes, that is as I have no interest in fashion for my age group.

As a visually inclined person, I hated reading and didn't like to be bogged down by small print and words. Then when I was ten, I had an amazing teacher, Mr F who encouraged us to read and let our imaginations go wild with our writing, which the latter suited me just fine:) So the first book in small print that I read and enjoyed was Roald Dahl's "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". From there on, I got hooked onto reading and found a second love in writing.

There has been two short stories in my head that I have been meaning to write. In fact, I started writing one more than ten years ago and have since lost the draft. I enjoy writing short stories of comedy intermixed with tragic elements of daily life through one's interaction with another, which is somewhat unlike the sentimental erotic rubbish stuff that I write here on my blog!;)

Hopefully one day, the current two short stories I have here "The Respectful Murderer" (which the Old Boy and M have been privy to my verbal narration. M re-enacted the scene and seized my throat because he understood profoundly what the story of perverse love meant to me. His gesture reverbrated louder than any spoken words of love confession I have heard to date- he wanted to tell me he loved me at a time where he knew he shouldn't like Richard did to Jodie in the story.) and "The Noodle Thieves" will find its way to print!:)

I am so glad to be just vegging out on my couch. I wish I could just open up my bottle of wine and drink the night away, except my eczema is driving me nuts at the moment and I have to take care of not putting myself in a situation where my itching gets any worse.

My house too is in a crazy mess and I need my friend whom DL and I used to employ in our business to come clean my house, which she is only free next weekend. My skin is way too sensitive to be in contact with dust at the moment. Even water can be a pain to worsen my itch. Literally, I should stay away from all elements as much as possible. I am staying off any anti-histamines as the ones I have are way too strong and will knock me out and put me out for a good whole day. I have bottles of steroid tablets in various strengths sitting on my benchtop and I am determined not to go down that path and to seek more holistic methods to get my body back on track...

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Today my alarm clock didn't ring because my phone was not properly charged and I literally jumped up from my bed and got dressed hastily in the cold to make it on time in 15 minutes  to hop onto my last peak hour express bus for the morning.

I was greeted with a pile of work to be done as well as having to do peer training with a fellow colleague to assisting her in submitting a quotation for a government department. The task set by my brilliant boss was to teach my colleague on how to quote on a job and the formula that allows her to arrive at a price whilst cross referencing all the deeds and contracts we have with the client. Whilst Maths wasn't the forte of my young colleague, Fifi, combing through the details of contracts, deeds and standing orders isn't mine. I am all for quick, quick, quick solutions. Everyone in the office knows how demanding I can be when I need to get things done. I was profiled to be a big picture person with the strongest problem solving ability in the entire office of consultants. Patience is not a virtue I possess but a sense of urgency is which make me suited to the first paced profession I am in.

So my clever gay boss, the head honcho whom in his life has had a more diverse career than I do ranging from being a midwife to a lecturer to a principal in an international  school to being a top billing recruiter  and on top of living in 11 countries and speaking five languages and an extremely interesting and colourful life to match, knew exactly how to create a mutually beneficial arrangement for both my colleague and I to pick on on skills we both needed learning. I blocked out only 30 minutes on my outlook calendar, thinking that that would do it with our training session only to realise that our training session stretched out to more than an hour.  Whilst looking through the figures, I realised that I needed to do more digging of the deed and ended up getting the help of our Risk Manager to review the contract I was working my figures off and if we were looking at the relevant award rates to pay the contractors on our books. My boss smiled knowing how I hated looking through lengthy contracts but acknowledged for once I was residing on the cautious side of double-checking the details before I launched into my calculations. By this stage, my young, airy fairy colleague was feeling like everything was doing her head in and needed to take short breaks.

Finally I developed a process and formula to help her understanding about the different components relating to the on-costs we charge and how we come up with different margins. Whilst I am relatively proficient in Maths, I am not the most organised person and so to facilitate the learning of the other party I am teaching and in order for her to benefit from the session and not waste her time (since I am a results driven person who hates to waste anybody's time including my own), I was compelled to make  my formulas succinct and easy to understand. Then I wrote out every step of the working to show her how the numbers were derived.

Fifi was still not getting it and in her cute, child-like, airhead manner, she exclaimed, "It is all giving me a headache. I don't understand. I always have a rates calculator to help me come up with the figure. It is the first time I need to submit a quote based on the client's format." Rates calculator, on the contrary do my head in and just like my boss, I need to understand the why or process behind something to make sense to my learning. My boss laughed and said, "Yes P, you need to slow it down for Fifi. Do you know the scores of both your numerical reasoning and mine put together is much higher than the entire office?" I thought I had broken it down for her, detailing the components that made up each variable of the equation.

To cut the long story short, I kept assuring her we would get there (in my light-hearted and comical way which always amuses her to no end) and I made her reiterate the formula with me like a school teacher does to a pupil. Then I prompted her to punch the numbers into the calculator and tested her understanding based on the big, fat formula I wrote on the notebook. She started to get the underlying principles and her face was lighting up, although she needed a bit of time to do the thinking to arrive with the answers on her own. We finally derived on three probable quotation which she could run by our boss based on being compliant to our terms of business agreement, balancing our own margins and factoring some legislative changes to the award rates and superannuation laws as of the new financial year. It was a more satisfying experience than I thought (since I was abit hesitant about my ability to help her when the thick attachment files were emailed to me and I felt like I was in for a needle-in-a-haystack fact finding experience- oh just take me to the destination already!) teaching a man to fish and then catching the fish. Fifi was so happy that she picked something up from the session ("You should be a teacher!") and I suddenly recalled my youth as a tutor for a pair of primary school siblings. There was indeed a sense of satisfaction from knowing that I could contribute to one's learning and I too, felt less daunted about deriving at the answers of my quotation. I had blocked out the entire  morning for private desk time to submit my quotation and put forward six candidates and by the time we were done with the session, it was close to lunch time. I still hadn't touched my own work. My deadline is close of business tomorrow.

I spent my lunch at my desk and had to move on to the next block of meeting I have with my colleague who will really be my right arm in time to come to work through culling some 50 CVs. We make a great team so far- our boss had deliberately hired us based on our profiles- whilst she is a strong administrator, I would be a great sales and account manager.

My entire day felt rather disjointed and I ended up being one of the last to go home. But before I do so, I waylaid my boss who was about to go home himself to look through my own figures for tomorrow's quotation. I still have shortlisted candidates to interview with my colleague-partner first thing tomorrow mornin before I could write up all six candidate reports and also ring all their referees. With the coming elections, jobs are getting more competitive and for me to win the jobs, I need to stay ahead of the game and distinct my competitive edge from my competitors. As an interesting exercise for myself, I will be putting forward a candidate who looks really good on paper and sounded not too bad over the phone. She had confessed that our competitors have put her forward for the role several times but she had never been granted an interview for the same role. So to prove to myself that I will be able to at least secure her an interview, I have come up with a strategy (and I LOVE strategies- the only thing that gets me excited about my line of work and of course, knowing what the fee size of each deal we bring in). Let's see how I go.

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As usual, I ended up buying MacDonald's (everyone in the office knows I am such a food junkie although the truth is I don't even like it except for fries but it is cheap and quick and I much prefer my own cooking if I got time and if not the darn eczema on my fingers that seem to react to the touch of things!) for dinner at the bus interchange. I jumped onto my bus and ate my dinner on the way home to save time.

I suddenly remember that in my busy-ness, I forgot to let one of my temp staff know that I will be out on site to meet him and the client. I only just stepped into my house . Before I could send off my text to him, my phone rang. It was the property developer that I have been working closely with to market properties out in the Pacific Islands. He had got me some leads and as usual, love to discuss and brainstorm ideas about the developments we are marketing. It is always pleasant to speak and learn from a veteran like him. He was telling me about our investment forecasts and returns and lots of other interesting things for me to build up my knowledge of the industry and work we are doing.

So before I had time to sit on the couch to rest my feet and really my brain, I had to wear my real estate hat and go right into another lengthy work discussion.

But seems like we are ready to hit the ground running in a big way and I, too am gradually getting traction with my leads.

All seems to be going pretty well at the moment. I am glad to be learning under such great and interesting people who are not only good teachers but strong mentors who know where my strengths lie and give me the space but also guidance to grow.

I can't say I dislike my life at the moment...

Life is great and can only get better...:)

Alright time to relax and give my brain a break... a new set of challenge awaits me tomorrow and I think I better go into work early before the madness begins yet again...:)

 

- Milan Kundera, The Book of Laughter and Forgetting

Just had a look of my own blog entries and boy, was I a handful back in my wild, naughty days!

I read my past entries with much amusement.

I was such a wild cat and cannot see how I would revert to some of my old and brazen ways as I have become much more circumspect as I get older. Though having said that, I could so identify the train of thoughts in some of those entries- that essence of that inner voice observing and narrating every now-and-here moment like a third party observing a stranger is still fundamentally me, Miss P in reel and real life. I still believe life to be characterised  by laisseiz faire romantic affairs, lots of  fun with little real commitments or serious intensity to bog one down down the pathway of heartaches and headaches. Hopefully, there is a lot of jazz music or Latino boleros in the background to complement the mood of loving too...;)

After all, P is all about the honey of matrimony and none of the sting.

Let me invite you down my shady alleyway of a past that marked a time in my life where I balanced my life precariously with a combination of spontaneity, charm, with, manic-ness, anxiety and drunken-ness. In P's previous life in Paris, there was also much use of weed which only took her down a dark, dark path of melancholy when the party was over.

I feel like an old girl being that voyeur and living vicariously through some person's life whenever I walk down this memory only to realise this person was indeed me not too long ago.

Voyuers, enjoy!;)

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