Wednesday, May 30, 2007
The Lack of Face
Yesterday, he unsettled me with his two cents' worth as an alpha male. We were on the topic of my promiscuity and how I was downgrading "market value" with Nano.
First, he started the rule on no Nano talk (which I had earlier attribute to jealousy). But then he started suggesting that I should talk about it since I was dying to offload my Nano story with somebody so why not just say it. In reality, I had no desire to go there with him as the last thing I needed was for him to give me yet another cold shoulder or get into yet another online warfare. We have been squabbling and antagonistic to each other of late. It's been a while since we were in amicable sync and I noticed we have been slack (my fault mostly) with writing to each other and having endless hours of banter since we took turns being depressed.
Then he went on to make a bet that I would sleep with Nano. He taunted me and went further to say that he would buy my flight to Manila for a week and see what happens. And I retaliated and said how about buying my flight from Sydney to Manila and oh by the way, Nano is coming to visit in September and he is staying at my house. He fanned it even harder and asked if I was going to inform DL about it. That piqued me further as I felt he was questioning my integrity and threatening to tell on me. I went on and punched the words back in his face that yes and in fact, I would introduce the two guys as DL makes very frequent trips to come stay with me these days!
There were other instances where he said rather harsh and hurtful things about me being all that fun and willing and he was sure both Ted and Nano would like to do me together.Also to wind it up, he mentioned in the likes of how like the rest of the guys, he just wanted to do me like the way he would treat his other non-wife material-just- for-fuck-women. His tone sounded demeaning. And I went yeah, yeah, yeah and how about him doing me and cumming on my face like how the Big Boy suggested doing to me. And I thought someone thought that it was BB's lack of respect for woman and me!
Usually, I would fuel up and take the hard knocks well and serve back an equally vicious blow. Ten times harder but I felt weak there and then. In fact, I felt like tears were about to swell up my eyes and my heart was hurting. Then a sense of claustrophobia overcame me once more and I felt my heart suffocate and told him I was going to get away from my desk for a wander because he has greatly upset me.
Then he softened and asked why.
I said I don't know- I kind of viewed them both collectively to the point that sometimes when I talk to one, I mistake one for the other as I address them. That stream of consciousness talking to them is similar. I don't know anymore and I couldn't possibly give myself to both and I couldn't quite give myself to either one as well. It was weird.
Why are you feeling this way? But we haven't even met...
Then it dawned on me really hard that indeed, we hadn't.
He has existed and forms an intrinsic part of my daily life for quite a while now, perhaps the closest person to whom I communicate deeply everyday that I have forgotten to place significance on this unseen fact. Our constant interaction has since stood the time of most of my relationships that I have ever been in.I almost think I know his face as he would with mine. In fact, I am quite sure we would spot each other in a crowd quite instinctively.
He remains such a constant companion in my life like a habit so much so that I have up till yesterday lose that "awareness" of us not having met. Somewhere along the way, the curiosity has insiduously transformed to a level of comfort that I no longer hold great anticipation, hurry or anxiety to meet the mysterious man who shares many of my much guarded secrets.
Yesterday, he unsettled me with his two cents' worth as an alpha male. We were on the topic of my promiscuity and how I was downgrading "market value" with Nano.
First, he started the rule on no Nano talk (which I had earlier attribute to jealousy). But then he started suggesting that I should talk about it since I was dying to offload my Nano story with somebody so why not just say it. In reality, I had no desire to go there with him as the last thing I needed was for him to give me yet another cold shoulder or get into yet another online warfare. We have been squabbling and antagonistic to each other of late. It's been a while since we were in amicable sync and I noticed we have been slack (my fault mostly) with writing to each other and having endless hours of banter since we took turns being depressed.
Then he went on to make a bet that I would sleep with Nano. He taunted me and went further to say that he would buy my flight to Manila for a week and see what happens. And I retaliated and said how about buying my flight from Sydney to Manila and oh by the way, Nano is coming to visit in September and he is staying at my house. He fanned it even harder and asked if I was going to inform DL about it. That piqued me further as I felt he was questioning my integrity and threatening to tell on me. I went on and punched the words back in his face that yes and in fact, I would introduce the two guys as DL makes very frequent trips to come stay with me these days!
There were other instances where he said rather harsh and hurtful things about me being all that fun and willing and he was sure both Ted and Nano would like to do me together.Also to wind it up, he mentioned in the likes of how like the rest of the guys, he just wanted to do me like the way he would treat his other non-wife material-just- for-fuck-women. His tone sounded demeaning. And I went yeah, yeah, yeah and how about him doing me and cumming on my face like how the Big Boy suggested doing to me. And I thought someone thought that it was BB's lack of respect for woman and me!
Usually, I would fuel up and take the hard knocks well and serve back an equally vicious blow. Ten times harder but I felt weak there and then. In fact, I felt like tears were about to swell up my eyes and my heart was hurting. Then a sense of claustrophobia overcame me once more and I felt my heart suffocate and told him I was going to get away from my desk for a wander because he has greatly upset me.
Then he softened and asked why.
I said I don't know- I kind of viewed them both collectively to the point that sometimes when I talk to one, I mistake one for the other as I address them. That stream of consciousness talking to them is similar. I don't know anymore and I couldn't possibly give myself to both and I couldn't quite give myself to either one as well. It was weird.
Why are you feeling this way? But we haven't even met...
Then it dawned on me really hard that indeed, we hadn't.
He has existed and forms an intrinsic part of my daily life for quite a while now, perhaps the closest person to whom I communicate deeply everyday that I have forgotten to place significance on this unseen fact. Our constant interaction has since stood the time of most of my relationships that I have ever been in.I almost think I know his face as he would with mine. In fact, I am quite sure we would spot each other in a crowd quite instinctively.
He remains such a constant companion in my life like a habit so much so that I have up till yesterday lose that "awareness" of us not having met. Somewhere along the way, the curiosity has insiduously transformed to a level of comfort that I no longer hold great anticipation, hurry or anxiety to meet the mysterious man who shares many of my much guarded secrets.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Tonight...
I feel a sense of warm glow. Like a certain fuzziness, feel good feeling that leaves me feeling somewhat comforted that I could do a little to help a person's life. I feel tears welling up my eyes as I write.
I just logged off with Nano.
Today, he has had less than ten ciggies. That is an achievement for someone who smokes at least a pack a day.
The other day, he casually mentioned in his usual aloof way, "Did I tell you I have heed your advice and have been cutting down on my cigarettes? But don't tell anybody."
And he has been feeling tired all day today.
*****
Back in Manila while we were having dinner, we were on the topic of clairvoyants and fortune tellers.
He said he had two different clairvoyants read him.
"They both said I would find true love when I turn 38 and then I would die of lung cancer!!! What bullshit!" Nano laughed it off nonchalently.
My female hostess and I eyed each other nervously. We are both equally superstitious enough to not want to tempt fate.
At the same time, the rate at which he smoked one ciggie after another coupled by the continuous flow of beers in his way was enough cause for concern for the both of us.
*****
Nano is turning 29 this year.
I hope it's not too late.
Bless that sweet boy. I would want for him to find his true love.
*****
Recently, I mentioned that the accupuncturist diagnosed that I have weak lungs.
The other night, he proposed where he would take me when I next return to Manila.
He suggested the Poolside Restaurant (I think) and I asked where that was.
He said it was a nice place and oh, and its a non-smoking place ;)
And he kindly mentioned that he won't smoke before me too.
Nano puts a smile on my face that way.
I feel a sense of warm glow. Like a certain fuzziness, feel good feeling that leaves me feeling somewhat comforted that I could do a little to help a person's life. I feel tears welling up my eyes as I write.
I just logged off with Nano.
Today, he has had less than ten ciggies. That is an achievement for someone who smokes at least a pack a day.
The other day, he casually mentioned in his usual aloof way, "Did I tell you I have heed your advice and have been cutting down on my cigarettes? But don't tell anybody."
And he has been feeling tired all day today.
*****
Back in Manila while we were having dinner, we were on the topic of clairvoyants and fortune tellers.
He said he had two different clairvoyants read him.
"They both said I would find true love when I turn 38 and then I would die of lung cancer!!! What bullshit!" Nano laughed it off nonchalently.
My female hostess and I eyed each other nervously. We are both equally superstitious enough to not want to tempt fate.
At the same time, the rate at which he smoked one ciggie after another coupled by the continuous flow of beers in his way was enough cause for concern for the both of us.
*****
Nano is turning 29 this year.
I hope it's not too late.
Bless that sweet boy. I would want for him to find his true love.
*****
Recently, I mentioned that the accupuncturist diagnosed that I have weak lungs.
The other night, he proposed where he would take me when I next return to Manila.
He suggested the Poolside Restaurant (I think) and I asked where that was.
He said it was a nice place and oh, and its a non-smoking place ;)
And he kindly mentioned that he won't smoke before me too.
Nano puts a smile on my face that way.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Online Ramblings
"So do you mean to say that you get horny when you drink?"
"I guess I show my inner nature when I do. Apart from that, I can pretty hold my own well when I am sober."
"Ok,I won't get you drunk then.:)"
"Thank you Nano. You are a good guy. Muchos besos para ti.:)"
****
"Btw, when you come to Manila, we won't have sex."
"Did I say that we will be sleeping with each other?;)"
"No. But I just want to put it out there."
"We won't be.:)
But why do you have to say it???"
"Cos I want you to know that is not what I just want from you."
"So do you mean to say that you get horny when you drink?"
"I guess I show my inner nature when I do. Apart from that, I can pretty hold my own well when I am sober."
"Ok,I won't get you drunk then.:)"
"Thank you Nano. You are a good guy. Muchos besos para ti.:)"
****
"Btw, when you come to Manila, we won't have sex."
"Did I say that we will be sleeping with each other?;)"
"No. But I just want to put it out there."
"We won't be.:)
But why do you have to say it???"
"Cos I want you to know that is not what I just want from you."
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Loose Snippets of the Conversation (not quite in order)
We progressed onto the topic of lovers, his ex-girlfriends and relationships.
He was telling me that most of the relationships were brief and the sex was good.
“So it’s all about the sex.”
“No, they tend to be my friends before that. I just haven’t found the one yet.”
“I see.”
“Maybe I do and she is Singaporean.;)
I like your ‘other’ life;)”
“Ok. Nano let me understand you a little better. So if you like me the way as you put it and was thinking of having a serious relationship with someone like me, then would you then later want exclusivity?”
“I like you. Forget what I’ve just said ok?”
“You haven’t answered my other question.
No. I want you to say it just so that I know you better and also for you to know what you are actually by saying them out and affirming it.”
“If I am in a relationship where we are always apart, then I will be ok if I can expect the same for myself.”
“But what if you are in a serious relationship with a virtuous girl and she has in it to her that it's a given that both parties will be exclusive for each other, would you then do the same for her?”
“Yes, I will.”
“Ah, so I see. It’s tit for tat.”
“I like you.
Yup.
You are so different. Like I have never met any one like you.”
“How different?”
“Like you are so friendly and inquisitive.”
“Is that good or bad?”
“It’s great.
“What is it that you seek in a serious relationship/partner, Nano?”
“To be complete.”
“ You should go to be bed now P. It’s late.
I need to go read my book”
“ See you never ever bend backwards for me, Nano.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that you’ll never cause some inconvenience to yourself just to make me a little happier.”
“I don’t know. It’s getting late and the topic is getting too serious.”
“Alright. Go to bed Nano. You always back off when a topic gets too heavy…”
“Do I? Maybe cos I am just getting tired.”
“No you always do- always closed up and guarded, Nano.”
“ Let's talk about this tomorrow. I am getting tired. And it’s just that I have never met someone like you.”
"Good nite Nano and sleep tight. Hope I wouldn't appear in your nightmare;)"
"Night, night."
We progressed onto the topic of lovers, his ex-girlfriends and relationships.
He was telling me that most of the relationships were brief and the sex was good.
“So it’s all about the sex.”
“No, they tend to be my friends before that. I just haven’t found the one yet.”
“I see.”
“Maybe I do and she is Singaporean.;)
I like your ‘other’ life;)”
“Ok. Nano let me understand you a little better. So if you like me the way as you put it and was thinking of having a serious relationship with someone like me, then would you then later want exclusivity?”
“I like you. Forget what I’ve just said ok?”
“You haven’t answered my other question.
No. I want you to say it just so that I know you better and also for you to know what you are actually by saying them out and affirming it.”
“If I am in a relationship where we are always apart, then I will be ok if I can expect the same for myself.”
“But what if you are in a serious relationship with a virtuous girl and she has in it to her that it's a given that both parties will be exclusive for each other, would you then do the same for her?”
“Yes, I will.”
“Ah, so I see. It’s tit for tat.”
“I like you.
Yup.
You are so different. Like I have never met any one like you.”
“How different?”
“Like you are so friendly and inquisitive.”
“Is that good or bad?”
“It’s great.
“What is it that you seek in a serious relationship/partner, Nano?”
“To be complete.”
“ You should go to be bed now P. It’s late.
I need to go read my book”
“ See you never ever bend backwards for me, Nano.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that you’ll never cause some inconvenience to yourself just to make me a little happier.”
“I don’t know. It’s getting late and the topic is getting too serious.”
“Alright. Go to bed Nano. You always back off when a topic gets too heavy…”
“Do I? Maybe cos I am just getting tired.”
“No you always do- always closed up and guarded, Nano.”
“ Let's talk about this tomorrow. I am getting tired. And it’s just that I have never met someone like you.”
"Good nite Nano and sleep tight. Hope I wouldn't appear in your nightmare;)"
"Night, night."
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Depression
What is it about depression and me? It must be like my “look” for the longest time that I can remember. Actually, it is my look because those moments of short-lived happiness shine ever so clearly in my memory that I think it is pathetic.
That one bygone era of happiness in the short life of P must be the year 1996. It was during the months between January and March and then just as quickly, it was gone.
The last victorious moment of elation where I nearly got that huge creative break with Monsieur D in Paris in Autumn 2003 gave me a shimmer of hope but like a candle in the wind, the flame extinguished just as swiftly.
I know why people get admitted into mental asylums and I am surprised I haven’t been called up yet. I recently read a semi autobiography of Sylvia Plath’s novel The Bell Jar where she took her life a few weeks after it was published. Stuck her head in the oven. I could almost relate to the narrator. My first suicidal thought came in a fit of anger when I was five. I wanted to jump down from the 23rd storey HDB flat. By age twenty- five, I have a perfect suicide plan that would leave me to die in peace. No scarring or splattered guts and gory. XO, sleeping pills in an air-conditioned car will be the way to go. However, I guess I am still too narcissistic to hurt myself that way and scar that pretty face; then there is the fear for the existence of retribution and After-life where I would be flogged and condemned for subverting the sanctity of life. I only meant to end it all right there and then. When I die, I don’t want to have a soul- my existence vanishes into thin air since I never asked to be born.
By now, I have no wish for death. I suspect it has something to do with my financial independence and the belief that I have so much more to achieve and to add value to this world, that great expectations I have on myself. But recently, I have been unsettled yet again. No, it isn’t the men (though the Old Boy got me into a word sparring war yesterday while I was recuperating at home from a pounding headache and a cold virus and pushed me to pull the trigger on him to sever all interaction; as usual, I saved the day the way he liked it –P can be quite cunning and clever. P is quite the negotiator and I told him calmly that I have gone through tougher shits in my life). It has something to do with my work and greater ambitions.
I am disturbed. I am at the stage of discontentment for me to want to walk away from my job without another job waiting. Last week, I turned down a job offer diplomatically. I need a solid strategy. After all, P always has a plan for anything and everything. I do but it will be at the expense of an extra five digit sum of money that I could do with in my bank account to possible help grow the seeds to DL and my grand plans and for us to come faster together. Also, a defection to another firm this year meant a compromise on yet another significant pay rise that I have timed for the start of 2008. Barring money aside, I wonder why I am still where I am. After all, I never feel part of the team and worse still, of late, because I haven’t been included in things that I should be included in to help them get the job done. I am growing very angry and frustrated and then unmotivated. There are days where I reckon I should just leave now and part on good terms lest my lack of morale shows up too prominently in my work, which will leave me in a shittier position. I asked myself if it’s because I am not tenacious enough.
I am shaking. Shaking from the prospect of Monday. I am beginning to dislike many people that I work closely with and I am afraid it might start to show in my lacklustre and slight defiant ways at work. I don’t know what to do.
I have found enough excuses for my colleagues since I could remember and have psyched myself that it isn’t all about me and that red-letter day would come in time. I am now tired. I look at my peers with much envy and know that this was never how I meant my career progression to be. I thought this should be where I was in September 2006. But look, and there is only this much initiative one can take and get knocked back to the point that one gives up trying just to ensure that the day is not met with negativity. I am never good enough for some.
I have never been good enough at anything it seemed.
Guess being called a “pig brain” by a harsh mom, combined with critical teachers in various extracurricular activities from school to dance to choir to private tuition class wouldn’t do very much to one’s self esteem growing up. I grew up in the world of perfectionists and fault- finders and even now, albeit a lot better (since to a large extent, I still have enough respect for the people I work with given their intelligence). But I think in the midst, I grew up angry (not bitter) coloured by a slight rebelliousness with the need to prove a point to the world. Then, there is my quest for perfection that must have stemmed from my experiences.
I don’t stop at whingeing normally. My usual next step is to find out how I can extract myself from that sense of misery.
After all, I know how depression can grow exponentially and I am constantly trying to find ways to fight my moody disposition to spiral downwards like an endless pirouette.
Today in a bid to "save" myself, I started trying to restore some order in my life. I finally unpacked and empty the contents of my lugguage from my last trip in Asia two months ago. I started steaming my outfits before I hung them neatly in the wadrobe. Later, I will continue with my study desk that has not be re-organised despite the heaping of more statements and acessories and magazines since November 2006. The dust must be at least a few millimetres thick by now is my guess.
I am still inconsolable. I feel so trapped and claustrophobic with the way things are that I can barely psych myself positively that this is yet another challenge to make me a stronger and better person to prepare for that big break in my life.
FUCK ALL!!!!
What is it about depression and me? It must be like my “look” for the longest time that I can remember. Actually, it is my look because those moments of short-lived happiness shine ever so clearly in my memory that I think it is pathetic.
That one bygone era of happiness in the short life of P must be the year 1996. It was during the months between January and March and then just as quickly, it was gone.
The last victorious moment of elation where I nearly got that huge creative break with Monsieur D in Paris in Autumn 2003 gave me a shimmer of hope but like a candle in the wind, the flame extinguished just as swiftly.
I know why people get admitted into mental asylums and I am surprised I haven’t been called up yet. I recently read a semi autobiography of Sylvia Plath’s novel The Bell Jar where she took her life a few weeks after it was published. Stuck her head in the oven. I could almost relate to the narrator. My first suicidal thought came in a fit of anger when I was five. I wanted to jump down from the 23rd storey HDB flat. By age twenty- five, I have a perfect suicide plan that would leave me to die in peace. No scarring or splattered guts and gory. XO, sleeping pills in an air-conditioned car will be the way to go. However, I guess I am still too narcissistic to hurt myself that way and scar that pretty face; then there is the fear for the existence of retribution and After-life where I would be flogged and condemned for subverting the sanctity of life. I only meant to end it all right there and then. When I die, I don’t want to have a soul- my existence vanishes into thin air since I never asked to be born.
By now, I have no wish for death. I suspect it has something to do with my financial independence and the belief that I have so much more to achieve and to add value to this world, that great expectations I have on myself. But recently, I have been unsettled yet again. No, it isn’t the men (though the Old Boy got me into a word sparring war yesterday while I was recuperating at home from a pounding headache and a cold virus and pushed me to pull the trigger on him to sever all interaction; as usual, I saved the day the way he liked it –P can be quite cunning and clever. P is quite the negotiator and I told him calmly that I have gone through tougher shits in my life). It has something to do with my work and greater ambitions.
I am disturbed. I am at the stage of discontentment for me to want to walk away from my job without another job waiting. Last week, I turned down a job offer diplomatically. I need a solid strategy. After all, P always has a plan for anything and everything. I do but it will be at the expense of an extra five digit sum of money that I could do with in my bank account to possible help grow the seeds to DL and my grand plans and for us to come faster together. Also, a defection to another firm this year meant a compromise on yet another significant pay rise that I have timed for the start of 2008. Barring money aside, I wonder why I am still where I am. After all, I never feel part of the team and worse still, of late, because I haven’t been included in things that I should be included in to help them get the job done. I am growing very angry and frustrated and then unmotivated. There are days where I reckon I should just leave now and part on good terms lest my lack of morale shows up too prominently in my work, which will leave me in a shittier position. I asked myself if it’s because I am not tenacious enough.
I am shaking. Shaking from the prospect of Monday. I am beginning to dislike many people that I work closely with and I am afraid it might start to show in my lacklustre and slight defiant ways at work. I don’t know what to do.
I have found enough excuses for my colleagues since I could remember and have psyched myself that it isn’t all about me and that red-letter day would come in time. I am now tired. I look at my peers with much envy and know that this was never how I meant my career progression to be. I thought this should be where I was in September 2006. But look, and there is only this much initiative one can take and get knocked back to the point that one gives up trying just to ensure that the day is not met with negativity. I am never good enough for some.
I have never been good enough at anything it seemed.
Guess being called a “pig brain” by a harsh mom, combined with critical teachers in various extracurricular activities from school to dance to choir to private tuition class wouldn’t do very much to one’s self esteem growing up. I grew up in the world of perfectionists and fault- finders and even now, albeit a lot better (since to a large extent, I still have enough respect for the people I work with given their intelligence). But I think in the midst, I grew up angry (not bitter) coloured by a slight rebelliousness with the need to prove a point to the world. Then, there is my quest for perfection that must have stemmed from my experiences.
I don’t stop at whingeing normally. My usual next step is to find out how I can extract myself from that sense of misery.
After all, I know how depression can grow exponentially and I am constantly trying to find ways to fight my moody disposition to spiral downwards like an endless pirouette.
Today in a bid to "save" myself, I started trying to restore some order in my life. I finally unpacked and empty the contents of my lugguage from my last trip in Asia two months ago. I started steaming my outfits before I hung them neatly in the wadrobe. Later, I will continue with my study desk that has not be re-organised despite the heaping of more statements and acessories and magazines since November 2006. The dust must be at least a few millimetres thick by now is my guess.
I am still inconsolable. I feel so trapped and claustrophobic with the way things are that I can barely psych myself positively that this is yet another challenge to make me a stronger and better person to prepare for that big break in my life.
FUCK ALL!!!!
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Going Down
I’m suffering from dull spirits during the whole of today. I think it has something to do with me talking about my discontentment at work to the sibling last night. I suspect I’m the sort who operates better if I don’t talk about my problems because it gets magnified when it happens. Today, I was really down.
I wasn’t thinking about it even but like a slow lethal weapon, it had insidiously spread into my entire being and coloured my mood into a few shades darker. I don't know why.
Right from the morning, I felt that I must have got up at the wrong side of the bed or maybe it has something to do with my unrested sleeps- me being assualted by a million dreams nightly. This is to the point that when I drag myself to wake up, I often exude the disposition of the Living Dead and a rude awakening will follow on as I do my usual 2 minute sprint to catch the train at the 55th second and end up panting , breathless with a dry throat in the autummy cold....
Today, I didn’t care when I was being callous with my conversation to the Old Boy and his polygamous way and he must be hurt. I even told him I didn’t care when he said something to me and said he found a picture that represented himself for me. I felt that I didn't have energy to be mentally alert and tenacious to anyone's feelings. As usual, he let me get away with it. Who am I to judge right but I was mildly disturbed today by everything. I couldn’t take his sexual innuendos or his light-heartedness about lovers and even words. “Flak”- he taught me a new word today and he said something along the lines that I was fond of flaking him.
I am disturbed.
Not in my usual frail nerves, melancholic, depressed, emotionally pained or suicidal way.
So many “I”s today.
I have my earplugs on at the moment. To shut me away from the world and my dullness.
I told Old Boy I can’t write him a letter today. Today, I just cannot do anything for anyone. He did mentioned I have been slacking.
The only spark of excitement came momentarily when I was on the phone with DL. In the morning, I had some inspiring ideas for us and related that to him. It was done on work time- me discussing plans that might well take off one day so that I could quit my day job. When I hung up (since I was on the phone for at least a good 15 minutes when I should really be mapping out teams), that spurt of positive energy was instantly sapped away again.
****
Yesterday, something struck me so hard while I got out of the bathroom during work that I was seized with an unnatural quickened of my heartbeat for a good 15 minutes. My heart was in pain.
The number hit me. I mean the number of affairs and flings I had behind DL’s back.
I felt sick. Because it only really dawned on me now was the feeling I got. Like a case of enlightenment or an onslaught of inspiration one gets suddenly or simply someone who has just snapped out of it.
Really.
I got back to my desk and immediately shared my sense of revelation online with the Old Boy.
****
The dosage has been maxed but I have been unmotivated with the gym combined with that dull spirit I feel at work.
I must have been burnt out from that long time ago excessive exercise and weight loss regime I had imposed on myself. I was half my size in a week.
Nothing is working.
My joints are still aching from Sunday’s session.
I don’t have it in me to succeed that way anymore.
There seems to be no quick fix. Actually there is. But I don’t think I could stomach the side effects again. Besides, it would cause too much inconvenience to my work.
By the way, someone in my office is bulimic. She pukes everyday. Today, I heard her.
I don’t know how people could do that. It seems like a perpetual hangover. I definitely couldn’t stomach that.
Time for me to work out seriously in the gym.
****
Another update.
Okay readers, it was my bad.
Minutes after I published “The Price of Honesty”, Nano came online.
I took the initiative to say hi again.
Later, while I was chatting with Old Boy online, Nano had buzzed me several times to get my attention. It made me feel better.
That night it was the best ever chatting session about politics, power, books and getting to know him on a slightly more personal level.
Then there were also other bits to the conversation.
Is it bad to fall for you?
I don’t know. I reckon I can make many people happy and I know how I could be of good value to others but I’m not sure if many of these people could give me back the same and make me happy.
Wow.
I don’t mean it as an egotistical statement. I recognise my strengths and therein lay my good value. But I guess I am emotionally disturbed and that is my great weakness.
OK. I WON’T FALL FOR YOU THEN. :)
Yeah, guess friends last longer than lovers.
I’m suffering from dull spirits during the whole of today. I think it has something to do with me talking about my discontentment at work to the sibling last night. I suspect I’m the sort who operates better if I don’t talk about my problems because it gets magnified when it happens. Today, I was really down.
I wasn’t thinking about it even but like a slow lethal weapon, it had insidiously spread into my entire being and coloured my mood into a few shades darker. I don't know why.
Right from the morning, I felt that I must have got up at the wrong side of the bed or maybe it has something to do with my unrested sleeps- me being assualted by a million dreams nightly. This is to the point that when I drag myself to wake up, I often exude the disposition of the Living Dead and a rude awakening will follow on as I do my usual 2 minute sprint to catch the train at the 55th second and end up panting , breathless with a dry throat in the autummy cold....
Today, I didn’t care when I was being callous with my conversation to the Old Boy and his polygamous way and he must be hurt. I even told him I didn’t care when he said something to me and said he found a picture that represented himself for me. I felt that I didn't have energy to be mentally alert and tenacious to anyone's feelings. As usual, he let me get away with it. Who am I to judge right but I was mildly disturbed today by everything. I couldn’t take his sexual innuendos or his light-heartedness about lovers and even words. “Flak”- he taught me a new word today and he said something along the lines that I was fond of flaking him.
I am disturbed.
Not in my usual frail nerves, melancholic, depressed, emotionally pained or suicidal way.
So many “I”s today.
I have my earplugs on at the moment. To shut me away from the world and my dullness.
I told Old Boy I can’t write him a letter today. Today, I just cannot do anything for anyone. He did mentioned I have been slacking.
The only spark of excitement came momentarily when I was on the phone with DL. In the morning, I had some inspiring ideas for us and related that to him. It was done on work time- me discussing plans that might well take off one day so that I could quit my day job. When I hung up (since I was on the phone for at least a good 15 minutes when I should really be mapping out teams), that spurt of positive energy was instantly sapped away again.
****
Yesterday, something struck me so hard while I got out of the bathroom during work that I was seized with an unnatural quickened of my heartbeat for a good 15 minutes. My heart was in pain.
The number hit me. I mean the number of affairs and flings I had behind DL’s back.
I felt sick. Because it only really dawned on me now was the feeling I got. Like a case of enlightenment or an onslaught of inspiration one gets suddenly or simply someone who has just snapped out of it.
Really.
I got back to my desk and immediately shared my sense of revelation online with the Old Boy.
****
The dosage has been maxed but I have been unmotivated with the gym combined with that dull spirit I feel at work.
I must have been burnt out from that long time ago excessive exercise and weight loss regime I had imposed on myself. I was half my size in a week.
Nothing is working.
My joints are still aching from Sunday’s session.
I don’t have it in me to succeed that way anymore.
There seems to be no quick fix. Actually there is. But I don’t think I could stomach the side effects again. Besides, it would cause too much inconvenience to my work.
By the way, someone in my office is bulimic. She pukes everyday. Today, I heard her.
I don’t know how people could do that. It seems like a perpetual hangover. I definitely couldn’t stomach that.
Time for me to work out seriously in the gym.
****
Another update.
Okay readers, it was my bad.
Minutes after I published “The Price of Honesty”, Nano came online.
I took the initiative to say hi again.
Later, while I was chatting with Old Boy online, Nano had buzzed me several times to get my attention. It made me feel better.
That night it was the best ever chatting session about politics, power, books and getting to know him on a slightly more personal level.
Then there were also other bits to the conversation.
Is it bad to fall for you?
I don’t know. I reckon I can make many people happy and I know how I could be of good value to others but I’m not sure if many of these people could give me back the same and make me happy.
Wow.
I don’t mean it as an egotistical statement. I recognise my strengths and therein lay my good value. But I guess I am emotionally disturbed and that is my great weakness.
OK. I WON’T FALL FOR YOU THEN. :)
Yeah, guess friends last longer than lovers.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
The Price of Honesty
We all learn something new everyday. Today, I learnt that sometimes honesty does not pay. Then again, there are at least 2 sides to a coin so it really depends on where one resides.
I bumped into Nano online again.
It was one of those rarer moments that I was first to spot him and say hello.
After a good ten minutes of being ignored, I buzzed him. Like how Nano used to jolt me from what I was doing online to get my attention.
Still no reply.
I went, "Knock, knock, is Nano there?"
Then I realised he had gone offline without saying goodbye. This wasn't the first time but then again, we have never been online at the same time without at least greeting each other and saying hello. After all the reason why the messenger was installed on my laptop in the first place was a result of his request since he had decided that the long distance sms phone bills was getting expensive and he is "cheap".
So I learnt something quite simple today- the price of honesty can be a cold shoulder.
Times like this I am tempted to revert to my usual maxim- "Ask no questions and you'll be told no truth". Might be a more merciful relief to leave things in oblivion if the truth is not what one proposes or expects to hear.
After all, I am the type of person (as similar to the belief of the Old Boy)- "If you dare to ask, I might dare to give." In this case, I gave the truth.
In this instance people, the next question one should really ask then when dealing with someone like me is- Can you handle it?
(Careful what you ask from me lest I give it to you"- is a word of caution I have served to the Old Boy of late)
****
Both Old Boy and B concur that in this instance, a little white lie might have just come in handy.
What do you readers think?
I reckon I would continue to stick to my guns. I wouldn't want lies to compound on lies since I have a closet full of bad karma built up, which is enough to last me a few lifetimes over.
We all learn something new everyday. Today, I learnt that sometimes honesty does not pay. Then again, there are at least 2 sides to a coin so it really depends on where one resides.
I bumped into Nano online again.
It was one of those rarer moments that I was first to spot him and say hello.
After a good ten minutes of being ignored, I buzzed him. Like how Nano used to jolt me from what I was doing online to get my attention.
Still no reply.
I went, "Knock, knock, is Nano there?"
Then I realised he had gone offline without saying goodbye. This wasn't the first time but then again, we have never been online at the same time without at least greeting each other and saying hello. After all the reason why the messenger was installed on my laptop in the first place was a result of his request since he had decided that the long distance sms phone bills was getting expensive and he is "cheap".
So I learnt something quite simple today- the price of honesty can be a cold shoulder.
Times like this I am tempted to revert to my usual maxim- "Ask no questions and you'll be told no truth". Might be a more merciful relief to leave things in oblivion if the truth is not what one proposes or expects to hear.
After all, I am the type of person (as similar to the belief of the Old Boy)- "If you dare to ask, I might dare to give." In this case, I gave the truth.
In this instance people, the next question one should really ask then when dealing with someone like me is- Can you handle it?
(Careful what you ask from me lest I give it to you"- is a word of caution I have served to the Old Boy of late)
****
Both Old Boy and B concur that in this instance, a little white lie might have just come in handy.
What do you readers think?
I reckon I would continue to stick to my guns. I wouldn't want lies to compound on lies since I have a closet full of bad karma built up, which is enough to last me a few lifetimes over.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Uncluttered
I had a “moral” breakthrough three nights ago.
The chance came up and being ever as opportunistic as ever, I decided to do the “right” thing.
I use the big word “morals”, always with some apprehension because I think somewhere along the way, I have converted to amorality because I have lost that supposed discernment that conventionally enables one to “get” what is deemed “right” or “wrong” in action and behaviour. Also, I think the word “moral” sounds like the type of vocabulary typically used by pastors in Sunday schools to brainwash gullible worshippers into thinking how to behave as good Christians in the bid to save their poor lost souls and be assured heavenly peace with their Maker. I don’t know- the word “morals” leaves me in an uncomfortable position and I often use it with slight cynicism. But today, I cannot find a better word so in my attempt to convey the idea across to you readers; I’ll stick to this word until I can find an apter solution.
****
So Nano and I were chatting online and then on the chat phone.
That night he seemed to loosen up from his usually ambivalent aloofness and was really heaping on the compliments on how gorgeous and hot I look.
You see, he had requested for my photo a thousand times and since I don’t generally keep pictures of myself and am really quite technologically impaired to know how to really send it across the chat line, I have declined just as many times. But that night while playing around with the features, I suddenly figured out how to attach a picture on my profile. Naturally, it was a photo of not I but my dog.
Nano jumped at the opportunity to ask me for my picture and I finally gave in and sent one with my younger sibling and myself. It was a picture that if one looks closely, one would notice that I had the flu and my nose was peeling a little. I had no make up on and was definitely not dressed up to the nines- just a short-sleeved nude coloured turtle-neck top and brown pin-striped velvety pants.
“Oh my god, P you say you are fat? You look so gorgeous!”
He kept going on and on. It was unlike him when we met. He has always been aloof and for a moment, I really think it must be the alcohol (as he had gone out for drinks prior) that was loosening him up.
“I’ve made your picture into a wallpaper on my computer!”
“Stop doing that. It’s embarrassing!”
I felt really uncomfortable with the flattery and the attention. Throughout the night, he had been asking when I was getting my ass back to his part of the world again.
“I could so marry you P.”
I kept even quieter. Nano wanting to marry me would be huge newsflash across society papers and magazines in his part of the world.
I recalled that when I first met Nano at the party and I exchanged contact details with his friends and him, I meant to store their phone numbers into my phone. I asked for his surname as I like my information to be complete. He was hesitant for a moment before he said it as if he figured that since I was a foreigner, it would not mean very much to me and try to use that information possibly to my own advantage. He was definitely a guarded person.
I observed that night that he felt some form of attraction towards me but he was ever so subtle. It was during the time where I excused myself from the table as I received a call from V and then B. I stood at one side of the courtyard talking and then from my periphery view, I noticed that Nano was looking at me admiringly. It was that light in his eyes that I have noticed in many a male in my life but disguised behind that aloofness as he smoked his cigarette, his aura shrouded by that cloud of elusiveness behind the smoke. When our eyes finally met as I still continued chatting on the phone, he was quick to avert them and looked away.
Then there was my subtle persuasion for him to join us clubbing the next night (Saturday) at the Embassy as I too, was attracted to his aura when he first arrived with his friends at my table where my host and I sat. He insisted he had long planned to head to the beaches out of town with his mates and was not about to change his mind. He suggested casually that we could have dinner together with my hosts when he returned on Sunday but made no firm commitment. When we finally did have our dinner on Sunday, I spent no more than 1.5hours before Ted and his entourage came to whisk me away since it was post our rendezvous night one. If he had been disappointed, he sure hid it well.
The next Saturday night while I was out with my hosts to the Embassy, we were travelling along an avenue just outside the village where they live (Nano lived a few houses away in a high walled property that is at least five times larger than my hosts’ already big house) and mentioned that it shared the same name as Nano’s family name. My hosts replied that it was named after them and they have built up that entire area from swampland and the massive shopping malls and stalls that I have been were built and owned by his family.
Recently, I started doing some research myself. Think it’s my professional instincts to map people of interest. Then I realised that Nano’s family has built an entire business district where skyscrapers of global banks reside in that part of their world. I knew he is wealthy, more than Ted but not this opulent. The sort of wealth I have always dreamt in my life since my teens. It wasn’t the money that I am interested in but the power to change that lies inherent in opulence and also the skyscrapers- the ability for one to make one’s mark on the face of the earth even when one has long depart. It has been the egotiscal “I” that I have tried to contain for a long time. In short, I (feudal, capitalistic me) have a love for land, properties and skyscrapers and I recognise my limitations as a non pedigreed, middle-class female to make my social ambitions a reality. Plus they even have a foundation that extends their largesse to the less privileged part of society. Here was a possibility that I missed with Mr. London and it was even better since Nano and I share quite a number of similar interests…
“I have a crazy idea!” He was extremely chatty that night.
“What?” I thought he wanted to say that he would fly down to see me in Singapore when I return again in September.
“Why don’t you come work for the XYZ. Bank?”
They built that building and housed that global organization as with many others. He went on about how this organization pays well and I could get a comfortable lifestyle in that country. I laughed to try to move on from that point and said light-heartedly that if I am paid what I get now and lived there, I’m sure I would still be very comfortable so thanks anyway.
Then we were on the topic about him visiting Australia as he said he would have to make that trip down with family at the end of the year.
“My parents will be staying with my relatives. But ‘we’ll’ get our own room in the city and I’ll get my cousin to drive us around.”
My heart grew heavier with the thought of “we”. It was getting too close for comfort. Somehow, I knew I would have to let him know that I have a boyfriend before we burn our bridges there.
You see, I truly regard Nano as my friend.
Then there are also my hosts whom I presume would let him on by now that I am attached since Nano seems to be very chummy with them and often goes round to their house to have a dip in their pool or have dinner. I was sure if he did ask them, they would have told him.
In addition, I reckon it was too presumptuous of me to blurt that I have a boyfriend previously as it meant that I think that someone is interested in me even before he confesses outright. It must be the Chinese in me, always slightly embarrassed of assuming that I am “popular” with the opposite sex and that everyone is so into me.
I waited for him to ask the right question for the past two months and some days, I felt it was like a time bomb ticking and we are so getting closer to the truth.
“Oh P, can I go off now for my cigarette? It’s late on your end anyway.”
His tone was endearing and was one asking for permission in a slight whiney way. It was not the aloofness that I knew from the two occasions we met while I was in his part of the world. He was definitely warming up to me.
Also, he has this strange habit of writing to me (always) and addressing me (occasionally) by my Chinese name. Only my best friends these days would call me that and he knew that.
“Ok, you better get going then.”
“We should plan our chats next time…”
“Erhm… yeah, as and when you are free I guess.”
“Oh my god P… How can you be so gorgeous and hot and have no boyfriend?”
He must have flattered me for the tenth time that night.
(Pause) “Nano, I do have a boyfriend.”
“You do? Of course. P has a boyfriend. P has a boyfriend.” He tried to cover up his surprise and disappointment and attempted to mickey around a little.
At this point, I felt really bad because I felt his disappointment and perhaps slight embarrassment (for making such a big presumption) which he immediately tried to disguise in light-heartedness.
“You never mentioned you have a boyfriend.”
“Well, because you never asked.”
(More conversation but don’t want to go into much detail).
“I better let you go then. I’m sure he must be waiting for you upstairs asleep.”
“No, we don’t live together. He lives inter-state.”
“Oh, long distance?”
That night, I felt strange and uneasy. I could truly feel his disappointment after having opened up to me like that and I crashed his hopes. I truly felt horrible for him, especially when we did come quite a long way, beginning from his aloofness and guardedness towards people all the way to our progression in our friendship. He also did mentioned once that he would like me to give him the chance to know me better when I visit in September. I felt a pang of pain for him.
I then decided to email him next when we hung up as I knew I wasn’t going to sleep in peace:
Dear Nano,
I am glad that you asked the right question. If you truly want to know me as a person, you should read something that I wrote at the start of the year. It is something written very close to my heart and sums up my philosophy in relationships and grey arrangements.
Cheers,
P
I sent off the email with the attachment, “Can you Handle it?”
Next day, I bumped into Nano online again.
He could not help but kept bringing up my boyfriend like I should definitely get him to come along when I next visit his world in September. Perhaps it was Nano’s way of maintaining graciousness. And he reiterated that he had my picture as his wallpaper.
Before I rushed into my next meeting, I typed:
Hey Nano, I hope you manage to find time to read “Can you handle it?”.
I recognise that I am not the best of people but I hope you won’t think of me any less as a person.
His reply:
Of course not, you are still hot and smart.
I know he is back to his cool shell again.
I could have built on what I really wanted and planned for my life as according to my grand plans like the way I always wanted (on my terms) before DL accidentally came along and I side-tracked. I almost got my break there, so to speak. My years of being well versed in Tatler and Forbes and my overseas education and travels that has thus re-fashioned my persona to equip me for possibly seeing that red letter day- the Pip in me who used to constantly seek for an Estella like in Great Expectations. But no, I decided to do the “right” thing this time.
After all, I honestly regard Nano as a friend and I was really attracted to him and his aura when I first saw him and before I learnt of his great wealth.
Before I do permanent damage in September when I next visit him, perhaps this occasion arose at an opportune time to minimise it.
Perhaps, if I am single or if we have met way earlier (is what I am inclined to tell him)…
Strangely, I have since been left with a misplaced sense of peculiarity. I am neither happy nor sad, or even regretful by my action. Perhaps a slight relief, that I have kept any damage within our friendship to a minimum but somehow, it has done little to uplift my spirits either.
I didn’t know how I found that courage at 2.30.am on a Friday morning.
Guess the chance presented itself and so I did because at that moment, I felt that it was just the right thing to do.
****
Came Friday morning as I logged onto my PC at work, I received an email from M.
Recently, he wrote me one and made bold to ask how things were coming along in my life “Boyfriend/work/family wise?”
I figured he must have moved on with me to take the valour to ask me openly for the first time since we parted at Changi Airport in January 2006 about my relationship status.
I wasn’t about to show hand when I replied and again deflected attention to mention about work and family. However, despite whatever feelings that I have felt or still feel for M, I have learnt to understand that we both have to move on. So I too made bold for my own sake to serve him back the same question- “What about you? How are things coming along- Girlfriend/work/ family wise?” If he wrote back and mentioned a girlfriend, then at least it was “in my face” and I know as a resolution that I would definitely have to move on from here.
His email reply never came for days and was far from his usual promptness until Friday morning.
This time, there was no reply to my ending question of his relationship status but merely mention of work and him assisting his Dad on a book that he is writing. Instead I got this:
“Seems like u will be doing quite a lot of travelling for weddings, well that should be fun... how about yourself? any dates yet ;) ?”
I wondered to myself if this was a) his attempt to suss me out on my relationship status or b) he has assumed that I should by now have broken off with DL and hence, most likely single.
My reply to the above:
“ On my end, things are still the same since you left, albeit that I am in a better position financially and career-wise.”
I figured since I have started to purge my “immorality” the night before, I might as well keep going at it. Perhaps, I might get to the stage where my emotional state becomes uncluttered.
I didn’t have the courage to write in plain English to M that I am still with DL. But I reckon that would suffice for him to realise and make light of my current situation. At least, I gave him the reality of my life to the point that I can handle it.
I had a “moral” breakthrough three nights ago.
The chance came up and being ever as opportunistic as ever, I decided to do the “right” thing.
I use the big word “morals”, always with some apprehension because I think somewhere along the way, I have converted to amorality because I have lost that supposed discernment that conventionally enables one to “get” what is deemed “right” or “wrong” in action and behaviour. Also, I think the word “moral” sounds like the type of vocabulary typically used by pastors in Sunday schools to brainwash gullible worshippers into thinking how to behave as good Christians in the bid to save their poor lost souls and be assured heavenly peace with their Maker. I don’t know- the word “morals” leaves me in an uncomfortable position and I often use it with slight cynicism. But today, I cannot find a better word so in my attempt to convey the idea across to you readers; I’ll stick to this word until I can find an apter solution.
****
So Nano and I were chatting online and then on the chat phone.
That night he seemed to loosen up from his usually ambivalent aloofness and was really heaping on the compliments on how gorgeous and hot I look.
You see, he had requested for my photo a thousand times and since I don’t generally keep pictures of myself and am really quite technologically impaired to know how to really send it across the chat line, I have declined just as many times. But that night while playing around with the features, I suddenly figured out how to attach a picture on my profile. Naturally, it was a photo of not I but my dog.
Nano jumped at the opportunity to ask me for my picture and I finally gave in and sent one with my younger sibling and myself. It was a picture that if one looks closely, one would notice that I had the flu and my nose was peeling a little. I had no make up on and was definitely not dressed up to the nines- just a short-sleeved nude coloured turtle-neck top and brown pin-striped velvety pants.
“Oh my god, P you say you are fat? You look so gorgeous!”
He kept going on and on. It was unlike him when we met. He has always been aloof and for a moment, I really think it must be the alcohol (as he had gone out for drinks prior) that was loosening him up.
“I’ve made your picture into a wallpaper on my computer!”
“Stop doing that. It’s embarrassing!”
I felt really uncomfortable with the flattery and the attention. Throughout the night, he had been asking when I was getting my ass back to his part of the world again.
“I could so marry you P.”
I kept even quieter. Nano wanting to marry me would be huge newsflash across society papers and magazines in his part of the world.
I recalled that when I first met Nano at the party and I exchanged contact details with his friends and him, I meant to store their phone numbers into my phone. I asked for his surname as I like my information to be complete. He was hesitant for a moment before he said it as if he figured that since I was a foreigner, it would not mean very much to me and try to use that information possibly to my own advantage. He was definitely a guarded person.
I observed that night that he felt some form of attraction towards me but he was ever so subtle. It was during the time where I excused myself from the table as I received a call from V and then B. I stood at one side of the courtyard talking and then from my periphery view, I noticed that Nano was looking at me admiringly. It was that light in his eyes that I have noticed in many a male in my life but disguised behind that aloofness as he smoked his cigarette, his aura shrouded by that cloud of elusiveness behind the smoke. When our eyes finally met as I still continued chatting on the phone, he was quick to avert them and looked away.
Then there was my subtle persuasion for him to join us clubbing the next night (Saturday) at the Embassy as I too, was attracted to his aura when he first arrived with his friends at my table where my host and I sat. He insisted he had long planned to head to the beaches out of town with his mates and was not about to change his mind. He suggested casually that we could have dinner together with my hosts when he returned on Sunday but made no firm commitment. When we finally did have our dinner on Sunday, I spent no more than 1.5hours before Ted and his entourage came to whisk me away since it was post our rendezvous night one. If he had been disappointed, he sure hid it well.
The next Saturday night while I was out with my hosts to the Embassy, we were travelling along an avenue just outside the village where they live (Nano lived a few houses away in a high walled property that is at least five times larger than my hosts’ already big house) and mentioned that it shared the same name as Nano’s family name. My hosts replied that it was named after them and they have built up that entire area from swampland and the massive shopping malls and stalls that I have been were built and owned by his family.
Recently, I started doing some research myself. Think it’s my professional instincts to map people of interest. Then I realised that Nano’s family has built an entire business district where skyscrapers of global banks reside in that part of their world. I knew he is wealthy, more than Ted but not this opulent. The sort of wealth I have always dreamt in my life since my teens. It wasn’t the money that I am interested in but the power to change that lies inherent in opulence and also the skyscrapers- the ability for one to make one’s mark on the face of the earth even when one has long depart. It has been the egotiscal “I” that I have tried to contain for a long time. In short, I (feudal, capitalistic me) have a love for land, properties and skyscrapers and I recognise my limitations as a non pedigreed, middle-class female to make my social ambitions a reality. Plus they even have a foundation that extends their largesse to the less privileged part of society. Here was a possibility that I missed with Mr. London and it was even better since Nano and I share quite a number of similar interests…
“I have a crazy idea!” He was extremely chatty that night.
“What?” I thought he wanted to say that he would fly down to see me in Singapore when I return again in September.
“Why don’t you come work for the XYZ. Bank?”
They built that building and housed that global organization as with many others. He went on about how this organization pays well and I could get a comfortable lifestyle in that country. I laughed to try to move on from that point and said light-heartedly that if I am paid what I get now and lived there, I’m sure I would still be very comfortable so thanks anyway.
Then we were on the topic about him visiting Australia as he said he would have to make that trip down with family at the end of the year.
“My parents will be staying with my relatives. But ‘we’ll’ get our own room in the city and I’ll get my cousin to drive us around.”
My heart grew heavier with the thought of “we”. It was getting too close for comfort. Somehow, I knew I would have to let him know that I have a boyfriend before we burn our bridges there.
You see, I truly regard Nano as my friend.
Then there are also my hosts whom I presume would let him on by now that I am attached since Nano seems to be very chummy with them and often goes round to their house to have a dip in their pool or have dinner. I was sure if he did ask them, they would have told him.
In addition, I reckon it was too presumptuous of me to blurt that I have a boyfriend previously as it meant that I think that someone is interested in me even before he confesses outright. It must be the Chinese in me, always slightly embarrassed of assuming that I am “popular” with the opposite sex and that everyone is so into me.
I waited for him to ask the right question for the past two months and some days, I felt it was like a time bomb ticking and we are so getting closer to the truth.
“Oh P, can I go off now for my cigarette? It’s late on your end anyway.”
His tone was endearing and was one asking for permission in a slight whiney way. It was not the aloofness that I knew from the two occasions we met while I was in his part of the world. He was definitely warming up to me.
Also, he has this strange habit of writing to me (always) and addressing me (occasionally) by my Chinese name. Only my best friends these days would call me that and he knew that.
“Ok, you better get going then.”
“We should plan our chats next time…”
“Erhm… yeah, as and when you are free I guess.”
“Oh my god P… How can you be so gorgeous and hot and have no boyfriend?”
He must have flattered me for the tenth time that night.
(Pause) “Nano, I do have a boyfriend.”
“You do? Of course. P has a boyfriend. P has a boyfriend.” He tried to cover up his surprise and disappointment and attempted to mickey around a little.
At this point, I felt really bad because I felt his disappointment and perhaps slight embarrassment (for making such a big presumption) which he immediately tried to disguise in light-heartedness.
“You never mentioned you have a boyfriend.”
“Well, because you never asked.”
(More conversation but don’t want to go into much detail).
“I better let you go then. I’m sure he must be waiting for you upstairs asleep.”
“No, we don’t live together. He lives inter-state.”
“Oh, long distance?”
That night, I felt strange and uneasy. I could truly feel his disappointment after having opened up to me like that and I crashed his hopes. I truly felt horrible for him, especially when we did come quite a long way, beginning from his aloofness and guardedness towards people all the way to our progression in our friendship. He also did mentioned once that he would like me to give him the chance to know me better when I visit in September. I felt a pang of pain for him.
I then decided to email him next when we hung up as I knew I wasn’t going to sleep in peace:
Dear Nano,
I am glad that you asked the right question. If you truly want to know me as a person, you should read something that I wrote at the start of the year. It is something written very close to my heart and sums up my philosophy in relationships and grey arrangements.
Cheers,
P
I sent off the email with the attachment, “Can you Handle it?”
Next day, I bumped into Nano online again.
He could not help but kept bringing up my boyfriend like I should definitely get him to come along when I next visit his world in September. Perhaps it was Nano’s way of maintaining graciousness. And he reiterated that he had my picture as his wallpaper.
Before I rushed into my next meeting, I typed:
Hey Nano, I hope you manage to find time to read “Can you handle it?”.
I recognise that I am not the best of people but I hope you won’t think of me any less as a person.
His reply:
Of course not, you are still hot and smart.
I know he is back to his cool shell again.
I could have built on what I really wanted and planned for my life as according to my grand plans like the way I always wanted (on my terms) before DL accidentally came along and I side-tracked. I almost got my break there, so to speak. My years of being well versed in Tatler and Forbes and my overseas education and travels that has thus re-fashioned my persona to equip me for possibly seeing that red letter day- the Pip in me who used to constantly seek for an Estella like in Great Expectations. But no, I decided to do the “right” thing this time.
After all, I honestly regard Nano as a friend and I was really attracted to him and his aura when I first saw him and before I learnt of his great wealth.
Before I do permanent damage in September when I next visit him, perhaps this occasion arose at an opportune time to minimise it.
Perhaps, if I am single or if we have met way earlier (is what I am inclined to tell him)…
Strangely, I have since been left with a misplaced sense of peculiarity. I am neither happy nor sad, or even regretful by my action. Perhaps a slight relief, that I have kept any damage within our friendship to a minimum but somehow, it has done little to uplift my spirits either.
I didn’t know how I found that courage at 2.30.am on a Friday morning.
Guess the chance presented itself and so I did because at that moment, I felt that it was just the right thing to do.
****
Came Friday morning as I logged onto my PC at work, I received an email from M.
Recently, he wrote me one and made bold to ask how things were coming along in my life “Boyfriend/work/family wise?”
I figured he must have moved on with me to take the valour to ask me openly for the first time since we parted at Changi Airport in January 2006 about my relationship status.
I wasn’t about to show hand when I replied and again deflected attention to mention about work and family. However, despite whatever feelings that I have felt or still feel for M, I have learnt to understand that we both have to move on. So I too made bold for my own sake to serve him back the same question- “What about you? How are things coming along- Girlfriend/work/ family wise?” If he wrote back and mentioned a girlfriend, then at least it was “in my face” and I know as a resolution that I would definitely have to move on from here.
His email reply never came for days and was far from his usual promptness until Friday morning.
This time, there was no reply to my ending question of his relationship status but merely mention of work and him assisting his Dad on a book that he is writing. Instead I got this:
“Seems like u will be doing quite a lot of travelling for weddings, well that should be fun... how about yourself? any dates yet ;) ?”
I wondered to myself if this was a) his attempt to suss me out on my relationship status or b) he has assumed that I should by now have broken off with DL and hence, most likely single.
My reply to the above:
“ On my end, things are still the same since you left, albeit that I am in a better position financially and career-wise.”
I figured since I have started to purge my “immorality” the night before, I might as well keep going at it. Perhaps, I might get to the stage where my emotional state becomes uncluttered.
I didn’t have the courage to write in plain English to M that I am still with DL. But I reckon that would suffice for him to realise and make light of my current situation. At least, I gave him the reality of my life to the point that I can handle it.
