Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Can you Handle it?
Right, everytime I go partying with the accountant and he gets hell as drunk, he always asks me, "P, can you handle it?"
I consider the above line.
Those are words of wisdom, I can tell you.
It is one question that I ask myself constantly whenever I get into a situation. Be it professionally or emotionally.
****
So today when he asked me a number of questions (and I had a few different ways to answer each and possibly justify why but since I was conscious of his time I gave the most instinctive answer with the usual lengthy opinions and justifications omitted) during lunch, I have mentally prepared myself for the worst and answered him to the extent that I could handle it.
Lunch proposed to me on a school day (i.e. week day) has always been a bad idea and spells trouble if one has expectations of some romantic outcome (in the positive sense). But my karmaic awareness has prepared me for the worst. But I was careful not to allow my pre-conceived notions guide my interaction. Just be aware of the now and the moment, I told myself.
I knew today was a parting shot, most likely. But now I know it is.
Thankfully, for the re-awakening over the weekend (the stars must be aligned for some reason given the forewarning by the cab driver/fortune teller of the numerous external forces to tempt me from DL, combined with his standoffish attitude towards me over the weekend and cancelling the Sunday evening date) I had time to contemplate about my life with my "tennis instructors" (as he calls my friends though ironically, I've always been the instructor to them since I have always stood out to be the early bloomer and hence, leader of the pack. The guitarist analogy is more accurate although she is more likely to be the instructor or gatekeeper so to speak as her cold soul keeps my unfocused and colourful emotions in check).
Given our need to submit to his time, he needed to extract himself for the next meeting at exactly 2pm. So we had only an hour. I was beginning to warm up to more banter and opening up with the topping up of my wine glass. But it was at the point where he had to prepare to leave. Just as well- perhaps this is the best for him and me for a good reason...
Which leads me back to the title of this blog entry- Can you handle it?
I recognise his sentimentality right from the start despite his Cassanova ways. He very much reminds me of myself. But even the Cassanova has a heart that is capable of breaking and hence, ironically so capable of passion and charms.
So what's the safety net in this instance? Go for the one who compliments you and who adores you! The one who is good to you. He goes for social/ professional promise while on my end, I buy the "wholesome" family prospects. After all, I am still a girl who needs my security blanket, to put it in a sexist way. I will always be at the helm of the relationship with DL ruling the roost- he has come to terms as he did (rather resignedly despite initial discomfort as a male chauvinist and the only son) that perhaps we would never have children (that night at the party, it made me sad to know that I have insidiously transform a person whom himself is hard work and stubborn to cater to my selfish and socially ambitious desires- in my semi tipsy state, I broke down and cried so hard for my imperfections when I got home. I stared at myself in the mirror and grieved at my monstrous behaviour and for him while he knocked constantly at the door, concerned about my sudden shift in my mood. Now that I have achieved my goals, am I supposed to be happy and proud of my ability to transform someone to suit me? I stepped out of the bathroom with a mock smile, eyes swollen and red with tears and retired to bed while DL stayed up all night, possibly contemplating about my demons, which he is careful not to find out for his own emotional well-being) or that we'll only ever get married when we get financially stable enough (“So when are you popping the question to her?” someone asked. “Well, I guess when we become more financially stable”, DL replied. My salesmanship has definitely taken me to a different level).
I could proffer you with the similar mindsets that are exhibited here for the gentleman and myself-"The only thing that counts is me" mentality or "On my terms" mentality" or "I want to have my cake and eat it" mentality.
No actually, perhaps a more accurate picture is this- “I want to have a variety of cakes at my disposal and choose to eat whichever I please. Really I like the creamy ones but they tend to give me a tummy upset quite easily. But I don’t want to get a tummy upset from it.”
Basically, this is a paradoxical situation. So how does one manage one’s emotions in this instance?
I can at least tell you how I cope. I ask myself first, “Can I handle it?”
Sometimes our desired appetites just does not match up with our abilities to digest or handle the consequences of indigestion.
So like me, he too is capable of getting hurt. People like us need to manage our emotions constantly and roll out that emotional security blanket right from the start. We want to play the game well and minimise our "losses" and be in a win-win situation.
This gentleman is still a boy in my opinion as I am a girl. A true player will harbour no notions about getting hurt because he has lost that touchy feely aspect of his soul to cynicism and quick fixes.
So he asked me two questions before we parted that were telling of his sentimentality and threshold for managing his emotions.
1) Would you sleep with Dope now if he asks you? No.
It suggested his notion of "self" and the need to be special in my heart. I have practiced myself to impose no such expectations on him or any “alternative” men in my life.
2) Would you sleep with me? Maybe.
I like to remain tentative until the deed is done, sealed and delivered. After all, things could change for the worst at the eleventh hour like our current situation. Best to be prudent in encouraging expectations. At least when it comes, it comes as a very pleasant surprise.
But what if DL finds out?
I will kill myself. I meant that more figuratively(with some literal elements though) to save time. I don't think I could cope with the pain of knowing DL's pain- because I love him enough and understand the depth of his pain that would go beyond everything. He will move on (because he is hardy and probably move on faster than me) and will be freed from his dukka for loving and being with me while I, would be left cold and empty and a condemned soul for the rest of my existence. I could only live in pain from hereon, I believe. So it is an impossible idea now for DL to find out- I will protect his sanity from my imperfections at ALL costs.
I think I could safely say that the gentleman and I are on the same page about that rule he wrote about- the rule of sleeping with someone that one might -possibly (albeit remotely) have a future with. On that, I definitely buy that need for mental/intellectual connection notion. But fundamentally, what distinct us is our sentimentality. The social fit and the emotional aspect (that more elusive quality) of his being dictates that possibility for permanence whereas I would go for loyalty anytime. DL- the guy who has always been there for me despite my fallacies and imperfections, which he is cognizant of. Still, he stood by me. So now I would give him my time (alas the most unreal chains to our being but nonetheless powerful enough to dictate our fates) and not even my love for M (and vice versa) would ever enable me to succumb to disloyalty. I wouldn't say that I would never give him up (because I did asked for a break two months ago only that, the next day, I woke up with a heavy heart and found him and the dog at my doorstep and all I ever wanted to do was run into his arms and hugged him tight once more to that harbour of love and consistency). However, I am always prudent in my own predictions and would never promise anyone anything unless I can deliver, especially when it comes to the affairs of the heart. I have been hurt, disappointed and left cold and empty. I wouldn't do that to someone else and promise them more than what I have hoped to achieve. If it did happen, then I would like to take the calm zen-like approach that it must then be our fate together.
That was also not to say that while I decided to indulge myself with the gentleman in question, I meant to hoodwink him emotionally or carnally. My problem is similar to his. I have too many hearts because I love/ fancy each of these men with much passion but I could only have one in my life and my guiding values hold me accountable to loyalty as the priority like the way I would back my girlfriends anytime.
Hence, if I have been a challenge to someone else, I would have made it fair to answer as truthfully as possible for one to decide and anticipate for themselves what sort of a partnership with me they would be getting themselves into. So they could then, in turn ask themselves- "Can I handle it?"
The ball is then served back into the other party's court. He makes the decision to take it or leave it. On my end, I will learn to contain my ego no matter what the outcome is and minimise my expectations. Hopefully, my suffering will fade away.
Well, at least it simplifies part of this highly complex emotional equation and serves as a caution for two to enter into something at their own peril. There is no shutting the lid of Pandora's box once it opens.
I know, as the pain that DL served me a long time ago did so to unleash the worst in me as I did with him.
Right, everytime I go partying with the accountant and he gets hell as drunk, he always asks me, "P, can you handle it?"
I consider the above line.
Those are words of wisdom, I can tell you.
It is one question that I ask myself constantly whenever I get into a situation. Be it professionally or emotionally.
****
So today when he asked me a number of questions (and I had a few different ways to answer each and possibly justify why but since I was conscious of his time I gave the most instinctive answer with the usual lengthy opinions and justifications omitted) during lunch, I have mentally prepared myself for the worst and answered him to the extent that I could handle it.
Lunch proposed to me on a school day (i.e. week day) has always been a bad idea and spells trouble if one has expectations of some romantic outcome (in the positive sense). But my karmaic awareness has prepared me for the worst. But I was careful not to allow my pre-conceived notions guide my interaction. Just be aware of the now and the moment, I told myself.
I knew today was a parting shot, most likely. But now I know it is.
Thankfully, for the re-awakening over the weekend (the stars must be aligned for some reason given the forewarning by the cab driver/fortune teller of the numerous external forces to tempt me from DL, combined with his standoffish attitude towards me over the weekend and cancelling the Sunday evening date) I had time to contemplate about my life with my "tennis instructors" (as he calls my friends though ironically, I've always been the instructor to them since I have always stood out to be the early bloomer and hence, leader of the pack. The guitarist analogy is more accurate although she is more likely to be the instructor or gatekeeper so to speak as her cold soul keeps my unfocused and colourful emotions in check).
Given our need to submit to his time, he needed to extract himself for the next meeting at exactly 2pm. So we had only an hour. I was beginning to warm up to more banter and opening up with the topping up of my wine glass. But it was at the point where he had to prepare to leave. Just as well- perhaps this is the best for him and me for a good reason...
Which leads me back to the title of this blog entry- Can you handle it?
I recognise his sentimentality right from the start despite his Cassanova ways. He very much reminds me of myself. But even the Cassanova has a heart that is capable of breaking and hence, ironically so capable of passion and charms.
So what's the safety net in this instance? Go for the one who compliments you and who adores you! The one who is good to you. He goes for social/ professional promise while on my end, I buy the "wholesome" family prospects. After all, I am still a girl who needs my security blanket, to put it in a sexist way. I will always be at the helm of the relationship with DL ruling the roost- he has come to terms as he did (rather resignedly despite initial discomfort as a male chauvinist and the only son) that perhaps we would never have children (that night at the party, it made me sad to know that I have insidiously transform a person whom himself is hard work and stubborn to cater to my selfish and socially ambitious desires- in my semi tipsy state, I broke down and cried so hard for my imperfections when I got home. I stared at myself in the mirror and grieved at my monstrous behaviour and for him while he knocked constantly at the door, concerned about my sudden shift in my mood. Now that I have achieved my goals, am I supposed to be happy and proud of my ability to transform someone to suit me? I stepped out of the bathroom with a mock smile, eyes swollen and red with tears and retired to bed while DL stayed up all night, possibly contemplating about my demons, which he is careful not to find out for his own emotional well-being) or that we'll only ever get married when we get financially stable enough (“So when are you popping the question to her?” someone asked. “Well, I guess when we become more financially stable”, DL replied. My salesmanship has definitely taken me to a different level).
I could proffer you with the similar mindsets that are exhibited here for the gentleman and myself-"The only thing that counts is me" mentality or "On my terms" mentality" or "I want to have my cake and eat it" mentality.
No actually, perhaps a more accurate picture is this- “I want to have a variety of cakes at my disposal and choose to eat whichever I please. Really I like the creamy ones but they tend to give me a tummy upset quite easily. But I don’t want to get a tummy upset from it.”
Basically, this is a paradoxical situation. So how does one manage one’s emotions in this instance?
I can at least tell you how I cope. I ask myself first, “Can I handle it?”
Sometimes our desired appetites just does not match up with our abilities to digest or handle the consequences of indigestion.
So like me, he too is capable of getting hurt. People like us need to manage our emotions constantly and roll out that emotional security blanket right from the start. We want to play the game well and minimise our "losses" and be in a win-win situation.
This gentleman is still a boy in my opinion as I am a girl. A true player will harbour no notions about getting hurt because he has lost that touchy feely aspect of his soul to cynicism and quick fixes.
So he asked me two questions before we parted that were telling of his sentimentality and threshold for managing his emotions.
1) Would you sleep with Dope now if he asks you? No.
It suggested his notion of "self" and the need to be special in my heart. I have practiced myself to impose no such expectations on him or any “alternative” men in my life.
2) Would you sleep with me? Maybe.
I like to remain tentative until the deed is done, sealed and delivered. After all, things could change for the worst at the eleventh hour like our current situation. Best to be prudent in encouraging expectations. At least when it comes, it comes as a very pleasant surprise.
But what if DL finds out?
I will kill myself. I meant that more figuratively(with some literal elements though) to save time. I don't think I could cope with the pain of knowing DL's pain- because I love him enough and understand the depth of his pain that would go beyond everything. He will move on (because he is hardy and probably move on faster than me) and will be freed from his dukka for loving and being with me while I, would be left cold and empty and a condemned soul for the rest of my existence. I could only live in pain from hereon, I believe. So it is an impossible idea now for DL to find out- I will protect his sanity from my imperfections at ALL costs.
I think I could safely say that the gentleman and I are on the same page about that rule he wrote about- the rule of sleeping with someone that one might -possibly (albeit remotely) have a future with. On that, I definitely buy that need for mental/intellectual connection notion. But fundamentally, what distinct us is our sentimentality. The social fit and the emotional aspect (that more elusive quality) of his being dictates that possibility for permanence whereas I would go for loyalty anytime. DL- the guy who has always been there for me despite my fallacies and imperfections, which he is cognizant of. Still, he stood by me. So now I would give him my time (alas the most unreal chains to our being but nonetheless powerful enough to dictate our fates) and not even my love for M (and vice versa) would ever enable me to succumb to disloyalty. I wouldn't say that I would never give him up (because I did asked for a break two months ago only that, the next day, I woke up with a heavy heart and found him and the dog at my doorstep and all I ever wanted to do was run into his arms and hugged him tight once more to that harbour of love and consistency). However, I am always prudent in my own predictions and would never promise anyone anything unless I can deliver, especially when it comes to the affairs of the heart. I have been hurt, disappointed and left cold and empty. I wouldn't do that to someone else and promise them more than what I have hoped to achieve. If it did happen, then I would like to take the calm zen-like approach that it must then be our fate together.
That was also not to say that while I decided to indulge myself with the gentleman in question, I meant to hoodwink him emotionally or carnally. My problem is similar to his. I have too many hearts because I love/ fancy each of these men with much passion but I could only have one in my life and my guiding values hold me accountable to loyalty as the priority like the way I would back my girlfriends anytime.
Hence, if I have been a challenge to someone else, I would have made it fair to answer as truthfully as possible for one to decide and anticipate for themselves what sort of a partnership with me they would be getting themselves into. So they could then, in turn ask themselves- "Can I handle it?"
The ball is then served back into the other party's court. He makes the decision to take it or leave it. On my end, I will learn to contain my ego no matter what the outcome is and minimise my expectations. Hopefully, my suffering will fade away.
Well, at least it simplifies part of this highly complex emotional equation and serves as a caution for two to enter into something at their own peril. There is no shutting the lid of Pandora's box once it opens.
I know, as the pain that DL served me a long time ago did so to unleash the worst in me as I did with him.
Labels: THE P-oignant Moments
