Monday, July 22, 2013
Emotions...
are drivers for one to move mountains, kill in a fit of passion, to lose all reasonable senses and even self-respect...
I have in my short life experienced first hand what the all powerful emotion, Love could do to someone.
Methinks I have been loved twice in my life.
DL- being that first person whom I have met and who is so giving of himself in all aspects. Then of course, I tested his patience too and with my provocation, I had roused so much pain and anger in him, he did the unthinkable.
My heart often feel this particular tug with every thought of his tenderness and caring-ness. I asked myself what I could have done better and why did I let an otherwise lovely fairy tale romance turn so wrong?
Then there is him.
That half-stranger who has the same degree of caring-ness as DL and perhaps more. And him throwing caution to the wind after 4 years of waiting out and mending his broken heart. He has decided that I am the one for him and so with that, he parked all he has in my name. He trusts no one.
Me. P. His stranger girlfriend.
And he said what DL once said. Love is all in the feeling. You show it with actions, not words.
***
The other night, at 5am in the morning, my ringing phone roused me to awakeness.
It was him.
Baby, I've just had a nightmare. I kept calling out to you and you kept ignoring me.
The voice was emphatic and vulnerable. I thought he was crying.
Baby, I am here. It is just a nightmare. Now you've rung me, I am not ignoring you, am I? I am real. Now go to bed...
***
The thought of having an old love make way of a new love daunts me.
I love the familiarity of DL being in my life but the inevitability of a new contender with just as big a heart to give me can be fairly overwhelming for me.
I find myself crying a lot at thought of being stuck. Stuck between two loves.
Who says having choices is good thing?
I have in my short life experienced first hand what the all powerful emotion, Love could do to someone.
Methinks I have been loved twice in my life.
DL- being that first person whom I have met and who is so giving of himself in all aspects. Then of course, I tested his patience too and with my provocation, I had roused so much pain and anger in him, he did the unthinkable.
My heart often feel this particular tug with every thought of his tenderness and caring-ness. I asked myself what I could have done better and why did I let an otherwise lovely fairy tale romance turn so wrong?
Then there is him.
That half-stranger who has the same degree of caring-ness as DL and perhaps more. And him throwing caution to the wind after 4 years of waiting out and mending his broken heart. He has decided that I am the one for him and so with that, he parked all he has in my name. He trusts no one.
Me. P. His stranger girlfriend.
And he said what DL once said. Love is all in the feeling. You show it with actions, not words.
***
The other night, at 5am in the morning, my ringing phone roused me to awakeness.
It was him.
Baby, I've just had a nightmare. I kept calling out to you and you kept ignoring me.
The voice was emphatic and vulnerable. I thought he was crying.
Baby, I am here. It is just a nightmare. Now you've rung me, I am not ignoring you, am I? I am real. Now go to bed...
***
The thought of having an old love make way of a new love daunts me.
I love the familiarity of DL being in my life but the inevitability of a new contender with just as big a heart to give me can be fairly overwhelming for me.
I find myself crying a lot at thought of being stuck. Stuck between two loves.
Who says having choices is good thing?
Sunday, July 14, 2013
1 year...
It is exactly a year since the day Gem and I kissed under a
tree in the wee hours of a Saturday morning.
It has dawned on me that I have not kissed or have had any
intimate action since then.
I am so growing rusty and feeling like such a prude already.
Hindsight and Love Matters...
In the last month or so, DL has been very much on my mind.
I thought about what I
could have done better in our past relationship if time were to turn back. Perhaps
we could have spared ourselves the heartache, pain, violence and the eventual
break up.
If ever anything, we had the perseverance and commitment to
see things through and despite our unhappiness and disappointment of each
other, we rode together through the rough times of our day to day lives for so
many years. How we did that and survive on the other end and emerged relatively
alright (despite our fatigued and tattered hearts) remained a sweet mystery.
When I looked back, I am amazed that despite (mainly)my constant disappointment
in our relationship of what we should
have achieved in our twelve years of being together, we have indeed achieve much
more than what an average couple could ever dream of doing for each other. From
our uni days, struggling to survive, drink driving cases, drunken episodes , violences,
my tenacity in sending out 20 x 2 resumes per day and individually tailor cover
letters for us, our struggling master franchise business to how we parted ways
with a profitable cleaning business and two properties later, we have really
done well for us. We have come a long way.
I am tearing as I typed this. No, not because I want us to
be back together but yes, there is a sense of regret because I think I could
have done things a lot better to contribute to a fulfilling relationship and
allowed DL to exercise his own creativity and competence. His suppression and passiveness all these
years was his way of his love for me. And like a pressure valve, if steam isn’t
let out when the pressure is building, it will explode in an irreversibly,
messy situation.
And there is always much to say and learn in hindsight.
But the permanent damage is done.
I do also recognise that there are things that he would
never change and which are fundamentally him, DL as we know. He is that cool
cat, laid back guy who would make a great husband and dad, except I want more
out of my life. If it means me doing it alone, then so be it.
Ironically, the recent promise of love and finally finding
that ideal partner in crime got me thinking of DL and what I could have do
better going forward.
One night, I found myself sobbing terribly in bed in the
blossoming of a new romance , the affirmation of interest from the new beau and
the exciting prospect of a potentially new life chapter with someone else found
me becoming more introspective. For the first time, I found what I have been
looking for in this new person– elements of DL (kind hearted, considerate,
giving of himself to others) plus a similar outlook how we view relationships/
business/ life partnerships and of course, lots of tenacity. For once, I have
someone who could do the worrying for me, not the other way round (and this
too, I realise I probably didn’t let DL do that for me in his time since he was
more laid back and I had this resentment and mistrust towards him to get things
done in my timeframe). The thought of
letting DL go in my life unsettled me.
The old must make way for the new, so they say.
The prospect of a wonderful life beckoning is all exciting
and nice. Ironically, with the hindsight that I have honed in from my past relationship
with DL, it has made my blossoming relationship with my new beau much better in
the communication, negotiation and mutual compromising department. I almost
feel I should catch the wave with this new guy and do good since how often does
one get a second chance so quickly. He has talked about us, our future, our
business and oh my lord, babies two nights ago. And here I am trying to come to
terms that the prospect of a fulfilling love life may well mean weaning off
from the person I have been so comfortable having around looking after me, me
worrying about him and me being just me in his presence.
The thought at the moment seems simply unbearable.
Tuesday, July 09, 2013
Partner- in- Crime
... I think I have found my partner-in-crime.
I am holding my breath until October.
Is it possible for someone like me to be so lucky twice? To be loved twice by two similar yet essentially different men who are both so giving of themselves to someone as self-centred as I am. Ironically, both have expressed emphatically that I didn't care or respect them.
Whilst I bask in the initial bliss of a blossoming romance, DL has a way of touching on those tender, soft spots I have (and the reason why I love and hung on for so long) of him with his natural caringness...
Then I find myself in a quagmire...
I am holding my breath until October.
Is it possible for someone like me to be so lucky twice? To be loved twice by two similar yet essentially different men who are both so giving of themselves to someone as self-centred as I am. Ironically, both have expressed emphatically that I didn't care or respect them.
Whilst I bask in the initial bliss of a blossoming romance, DL has a way of touching on those tender, soft spots I have (and the reason why I love and hung on for so long) of him with his natural caringness...
Then I find myself in a quagmire...
Curious...
The way she moved and writhe like a venomous snake to the beat of seductive tunes reeked of sex.
I have observed her dance chereography many a time on Youtube and wonder how she came up with the moves- the way she flips her hair, her hands sliding down her boobs and slowly down her slim body whilst she focused her eyes on the one spot, eyeing that one invisible audience in her mind's eye ever so seductively.
I was never a great dancer and I often think that it takes one to be so comfortable in one's body to be able to express one's sensuality with such ferocity through such a naked artform.
I wonder how she fares in the bedroom department. I keep wondering. In general. With him.
Him.
As usual, I am curious.
I have observed her dance chereography many a time on Youtube and wonder how she came up with the moves- the way she flips her hair, her hands sliding down her boobs and slowly down her slim body whilst she focused her eyes on the one spot, eyeing that one invisible audience in her mind's eye ever so seductively.
I was never a great dancer and I often think that it takes one to be so comfortable in one's body to be able to express one's sensuality with such ferocity through such a naked artform.
I wonder how she fares in the bedroom department. I keep wondering. In general. With him.
Him.
As usual, I am curious.
