Restructure- on your own terms

In the last month or so, DL has been very much on my mind.

I thought about what I could have done better in our past relationship if time were to turn back. Perhaps we could have spared ourselves the heartache, pain, violence and the eventual break up.

If ever anything, we had the perseverance and commitment to see things through and despite our unhappiness and disappointment of each other, we rode together through the rough times of our day to day lives for so many years. How we did that and survive on the other end and emerged relatively alright (despite our fatigued and tattered hearts) remained a sweet mystery. When I looked back, I am amazed that despite (mainly)my constant disappointment in our relationship of what we should have achieved in our twelve years of being together, we have indeed achieve much more than what an average couple could ever dream of doing for each other. From our uni days, struggling to survive, drink driving cases, drunken episodes , violences, my tenacity in sending out 20 x 2 resumes per day and individually tailor cover letters for us, our struggling master franchise business to how we parted ways with a profitable cleaning business and two properties later, we have really done well for us. We have come a long way.

I am tearing as I typed this. No, not because I want us to be back together but yes, there is a sense of regret because I think I could have done things a lot better to contribute to a fulfilling relationship and allowed DL to exercise his own creativity and competence.  His suppression and passiveness all these years was his way of his love for me. And like a pressure valve, if steam isn’t let out when the pressure is building, it will explode in an irreversibly, messy situation.

And there is always much to say and learn in hindsight.

But the permanent damage is done. 

I do also recognise that there are things that he would never change and which are fundamentally him, DL as we know. He is that cool cat, laid back guy who would make a great husband and dad, except I want more out of my life. If it means me doing it alone, then so be it.

Ironically, the recent promise of love and finally finding that ideal partner in crime got me thinking of DL and what I could have do better going forward.

One night, I found myself sobbing terribly in bed in the blossoming of a new romance , the affirmation of interest from the new beau and the exciting prospect of a potentially new life chapter with someone else found me becoming more introspective. For the first time, I found what I have been looking for in this new person– elements of DL (kind hearted, considerate, giving of himself to others) plus a similar outlook how we view relationships/ business/ life partnerships and of course, lots of tenacity. For once, I have someone who could do the worrying for me, not the other way round (and this too, I realise I probably didn’t let DL do that for me in his time since he was more laid back and I had this resentment and mistrust towards him to get things done in my timeframe). The thought of letting DL go in my life unsettled me.

The old must make way for the new, so they say.

The prospect of a wonderful life beckoning is all exciting and nice. Ironically, with the hindsight that I have honed in from my past relationship with DL, it has made my blossoming relationship with my new beau much better in the communication, negotiation and mutual compromising department. I almost feel I should catch the wave with this new guy and do good since how often does one get a second chance so quickly. He has talked about us, our future, our business and oh my lord, babies two nights ago. And here I am trying to come to terms that the prospect of a fulfilling love life may well mean weaning off from the person I have been so comfortable having around looking after me, me worrying about him and me being just me in his presence.

The thought at the moment seems simply unbearable.