Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Summing Up
I am back. Back in Sad Town yesterday-got delayed by a day as I missed my plane. Yet again.
It's now October 2008 and I almost feel that I have reached the end of the year. This has been a year of emotional turmoils, people write offs,missed or delayed plane rides. I felt the weight of the year on me. It's time I moved on to a new life.
Abandoned or half completed drafts of blog entries still continues to sit in the hard drive of my laptop, haunting me to tell my tales.
A few days ago, my heart continued to squeeze with the thought of letting the Old Boy go, those memories of glorious and affectionate moments with him. But thanks to V, she sorted me out on a Saturday night in my bedroom as I sobbed uncontrollably. The entire week I have been crying and was inconsolable. I didn't even have the heart to party on my last weekend and say a few superficial but indispenable goodbyes to the smart set despite a number of social invitations; very unlike me and my coping style. Instead, I allowed my grief to get the better of me and continued to pray silently that I could get well in time for the following Monday where a new life awaits- DL (ever as forgiving and loving), a likely professional arrangement to become my own boss and moving into a new home (yes, DL is looking to buy)...
Last week was definitely a week of making peace and coming to terms with things. I will be posting "Rainchecks and Bad Debts" in a while. As with the prospect of leading a blissful life comes with the small price tag of culling out the debris of my life in the form of writing off people like Nano, Big M and even initially, with gritted determination, the Old Boy (but guess the emotional breakthrough I had after the session with V, I had come to terms that even if I did, I could never find peace nor dispel my suffering for an involuntary decision that arose from my inability to cope).
Let me leave you with a tale from last Thursday. It was one of those quiet lonely nights where I didn't know how to deal with my pain. I was a person in transition-one foot trying to cross over to the future and another foot still trapped in my past with the fear of moving on. What next, I ask myself?
I had decided that the next day, Friday was going to be the last day of my life where I would see the Old Boy. One formal goodbye and that's it. I was determined to cut him off for good because I reckon that if I couldn't control the intensity of my emotions for him, I could at least control my own actions by staying away from him and keeping him out of my life.
But it's all come to change. The remnants of my past still continues to cling on to me, albeit less painful, thanks to the epiphanic moment I had acheived through V's counselling ("That's what I am here for," she said. Thank goodness for best friends). I feel my inner being undergoing a slow metamorphosis...
Last night, I made love to DL for the first time in a year. We were a little out of practice, we laughed. Opportunely, I got a text from a headhunter yesterday when I returbed- just last week, I was worrying about having a back up plan if my business opportunity fails given that my savings are fast dwindling. We go the news that the government has upped the grant significantly for first home buyers. Everything couldn't come at a greater time. I felt like it was a sign- time to let go and time to embrace the promises of my future.
****
From: The Old Boy
To: P
Subject: Dearest P
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2008 01:40:13 +0000
Last night, you wrote this to me..."
"hey old boy, today i really felt the full weight of 2008 on me. its already oct. time really flies. if i were to make bold and ask if we cd pls re-live ballatine juz once more to seal up this year with one sweet memory for us so there is something everlastingly nice to reminisce privately as we grow old separtely, wud u oblige?"
My short answer is no. But you knew that even before you conjured the courage to ask me knowing full well that a negative response would plunge the knife deeper into your 2008. Knowing full well also that a positive response from me would NEVER mimic our great times at Ballantine earlier this year. Too much water has flowed under the bridege. I know how you've treasured those times at Bal but if you remember those good times, then i urge you with all of my heart, to keep on remembering those good times. I know that the memories are fading...of us meeting at that club...but what we have will never be taken away from us. We have wrote and sealed the memories in words. Some good memories, and some gawd awful ones. I have done much wrong to you...i admit and i would be the first to say i'm sorry. you KNOW that.
Our friendship has truly stood the test of time....through the rough seas and through it all, you stood tall...and i truly admire you for that. A lesser woman would have crumbled.
You have so much on your plate at the moment. What with Big M, and all the other suitors, what with your work and biz and sidelines, i wonder how you glue it all together? But might i remind you that your are building on only very little foundation and you do need to have standby plans in place. You need to be able to weather the economic storms and you need to know when to walk away and when to go for it. Yes, walking away IS an alternative. If this house of cards should crumble (and it might well crumble), you MUST know when to retreat. You CANNOT persue a dream that isn't there to being with...especially when it isn't yours to begin with. I see you fighting so hard to preserve that dream...that you lose your sleep, that you lose your wits and you lose your mind. Will it all be worth it in the end? That's a question only you will be able to answer.
But that's enough....i don't want to say anymore and i don't think i need to. You know my thoughts. You should know me well enough. You should know how i feel about our friendship and how much i truly treasure the times we shared, both online and offline. You should know that i care very much for you...(but perhaps not the way you'd like me to). Please note that this is NOT a blow off letter. Koran wrote a horrible blow off letter...I WANT to continue to be your friend. I know you do too.
I do wish you the best in your endevours and we will continue to communicate through ways other will not be able to comprehend. With our fingers, our thoughts, our hearts and our minds.
I am back. Back in Sad Town yesterday-got delayed by a day as I missed my plane. Yet again.
It's now October 2008 and I almost feel that I have reached the end of the year. This has been a year of emotional turmoils, people write offs,missed or delayed plane rides. I felt the weight of the year on me. It's time I moved on to a new life.
Abandoned or half completed drafts of blog entries still continues to sit in the hard drive of my laptop, haunting me to tell my tales.
A few days ago, my heart continued to squeeze with the thought of letting the Old Boy go, those memories of glorious and affectionate moments with him. But thanks to V, she sorted me out on a Saturday night in my bedroom as I sobbed uncontrollably. The entire week I have been crying and was inconsolable. I didn't even have the heart to party on my last weekend and say a few superficial but indispenable goodbyes to the smart set despite a number of social invitations; very unlike me and my coping style. Instead, I allowed my grief to get the better of me and continued to pray silently that I could get well in time for the following Monday where a new life awaits- DL (ever as forgiving and loving), a likely professional arrangement to become my own boss and moving into a new home (yes, DL is looking to buy)...
Last week was definitely a week of making peace and coming to terms with things. I will be posting "Rainchecks and Bad Debts" in a while. As with the prospect of leading a blissful life comes with the small price tag of culling out the debris of my life in the form of writing off people like Nano, Big M and even initially, with gritted determination, the Old Boy (but guess the emotional breakthrough I had after the session with V, I had come to terms that even if I did, I could never find peace nor dispel my suffering for an involuntary decision that arose from my inability to cope).
Let me leave you with a tale from last Thursday. It was one of those quiet lonely nights where I didn't know how to deal with my pain. I was a person in transition-one foot trying to cross over to the future and another foot still trapped in my past with the fear of moving on. What next, I ask myself?
I had decided that the next day, Friday was going to be the last day of my life where I would see the Old Boy. One formal goodbye and that's it. I was determined to cut him off for good because I reckon that if I couldn't control the intensity of my emotions for him, I could at least control my own actions by staying away from him and keeping him out of my life.
But it's all come to change. The remnants of my past still continues to cling on to me, albeit less painful, thanks to the epiphanic moment I had acheived through V's counselling ("That's what I am here for," she said. Thank goodness for best friends). I feel my inner being undergoing a slow metamorphosis...
Last night, I made love to DL for the first time in a year. We were a little out of practice, we laughed. Opportunely, I got a text from a headhunter yesterday when I returbed- just last week, I was worrying about having a back up plan if my business opportunity fails given that my savings are fast dwindling. We go the news that the government has upped the grant significantly for first home buyers. Everything couldn't come at a greater time. I felt like it was a sign- time to let go and time to embrace the promises of my future.
****
From: The Old Boy
To: P
Subject: Dearest P
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2008 01:40:13 +0000
Last night, you wrote this to me..."
"hey old boy, today i really felt the full weight of 2008 on me. its already oct. time really flies. if i were to make bold and ask if we cd pls re-live ballatine juz once more to seal up this year with one sweet memory for us so there is something everlastingly nice to reminisce privately as we grow old separtely, wud u oblige?"
My short answer is no. But you knew that even before you conjured the courage to ask me knowing full well that a negative response would plunge the knife deeper into your 2008. Knowing full well also that a positive response from me would NEVER mimic our great times at Ballantine earlier this year. Too much water has flowed under the bridege. I know how you've treasured those times at Bal but if you remember those good times, then i urge you with all of my heart, to keep on remembering those good times. I know that the memories are fading...of us meeting at that club...but what we have will never be taken away from us. We have wrote and sealed the memories in words. Some good memories, and some gawd awful ones. I have done much wrong to you...i admit and i would be the first to say i'm sorry. you KNOW that.
Our friendship has truly stood the test of time....through the rough seas and through it all, you stood tall...and i truly admire you for that. A lesser woman would have crumbled.
You have so much on your plate at the moment. What with Big M, and all the other suitors, what with your work and biz and sidelines, i wonder how you glue it all together? But might i remind you that your are building on only very little foundation and you do need to have standby plans in place. You need to be able to weather the economic storms and you need to know when to walk away and when to go for it. Yes, walking away IS an alternative. If this house of cards should crumble (and it might well crumble), you MUST know when to retreat. You CANNOT persue a dream that isn't there to being with...especially when it isn't yours to begin with. I see you fighting so hard to preserve that dream...that you lose your sleep, that you lose your wits and you lose your mind. Will it all be worth it in the end? That's a question only you will be able to answer.
But that's enough....i don't want to say anymore and i don't think i need to. You know my thoughts. You should know me well enough. You should know how i feel about our friendship and how much i truly treasure the times we shared, both online and offline. You should know that i care very much for you...(but perhaps not the way you'd like me to). Please note that this is NOT a blow off letter. Koran wrote a horrible blow off letter...I WANT to continue to be your friend. I know you do too.
I do wish you the best in your endevours and we will continue to communicate through ways other will not be able to comprehend. With our fingers, our thoughts, our hearts and our minds.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Life's Theme Songs
There are always songs that we could relate thematically to our life's experiences.
I have a number of songs that I never tire from playing and replaying, because they almost seem like they have been written for me. I am more a lyrics person than a tune person.
****
The other day I went to yet another clairvoyant. I meant to ask about my professional life. Instead, she began to talk about the need to tidy up my emotional life and first mentioned about my promiscuity.
She could tell that I come out feeling empty each time I get involved in a casual affair and questioned myself why I even bother. But still, I keep repeating my mistake. Then there was also the thing about the men whom I loved or want and whom didn't reciprocate.
You are a very weird person, she said. And a very hard person to love, she continued. I would always first attract a man from having given him a glimpse of my innocence and then my personality become something else as he knows me further. I send out mixed signals and become elusive. One by one, the men dropped out. It is not easy for a man to love me, she concluded.
My intelligence has also led me to fall sometimes, she said.
I suddenly recall the day Nano left me at my house. He said, "You are too smart for your own good..." After that, he never saw me again for the rest of his stay in Sydney.
****
When I used to live that semi-charmed life in Paris in the old, bohemic apartment in the eighteenth arrondissement with the view of the Sacred Couer at my window, I used to play and re-play this James Taylor song whilst I lie in bed on those quiet night, the moonlight shining through the window where my emotions ebb and flow, sometimes in angst, pain and or emptiness.
It seems to resonate with the theme of my life with men- the end of love affairs or lost loves...
Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight
Do me wrong, do me right,
Tell me lies but hold me tight,
Save your goodbyes for the morning light,
But don't let me be lonely tonight.
Say goodbye and say hello,
Sure enough good to see you, but it's time to go,
Don't say yes but please don't say no,
I don't want to be lonely tonight.
Go away then, damn you,
Go on and do as you please,
You ain't gonna see me gettin' down on my knees.
I'm undecided, and your heart's been divided,
You've been turning my world upside down.
Do me wrong, do me right (right now baby),
Go on and tell me lies but hold me tight.
Save your goodbyes for the morning light (morning light),
But don't let me be lonely tonight.
I don't want to be lonely tonight.
No, no, I don't want to be lonely tonight.
I don't want to be lonely tonight.
****
The other night, V did a stay over at my house.
She had about two questions of the century that she still find it challenging to fathom.
One of them relates to why I am so in love with the Old Boy.
We were also on the topic of jealousy and I said I don't understand jealousy. Maybe if I did, I could never have tolerated sharing.
Then there was also my childhood sixth sense about falling for a married and polygamous man. I saw it coming but also didn't see it coming since I was mindful previously to not get myself into a situation as such but it was in my karma for it to happen.
Before I got into an emotionally sticky situation prior to meeting the Old Boy, this was a song that I struck up an instant chemistry with. I could relate to the lyrics I thought but then I guess my heart has been ran over so many times over from a case of boyfriends leaving for someone else and hence so...
Ah so there, that's the song to sum up my lousy love life of the past. Not for the future, I hope.
"Why Should I Care"
Was there something more I could have done?
Or was I not meant to be the one?
Where's the life I thought we would share?
And should I care?
And will someone else get more of you?
Will she go to sleep more sure of you?
Will she wake up knowing you're still there?
And why should I care?
There's always one to turn and walk away
And one who just wants to stay
But who said that love is always fair?
And why should I care?
Should I leave you alone here in the dark?
Holding my broken heart
While a promise still hangs in the air
Why should I care?
There are always songs that we could relate thematically to our life's experiences.
I have a number of songs that I never tire from playing and replaying, because they almost seem like they have been written for me. I am more a lyrics person than a tune person.
****
The other day I went to yet another clairvoyant. I meant to ask about my professional life. Instead, she began to talk about the need to tidy up my emotional life and first mentioned about my promiscuity.
She could tell that I come out feeling empty each time I get involved in a casual affair and questioned myself why I even bother. But still, I keep repeating my mistake. Then there was also the thing about the men whom I loved or want and whom didn't reciprocate.
You are a very weird person, she said. And a very hard person to love, she continued. I would always first attract a man from having given him a glimpse of my innocence and then my personality become something else as he knows me further. I send out mixed signals and become elusive. One by one, the men dropped out. It is not easy for a man to love me, she concluded.
My intelligence has also led me to fall sometimes, she said.
I suddenly recall the day Nano left me at my house. He said, "You are too smart for your own good..." After that, he never saw me again for the rest of his stay in Sydney.
****
When I used to live that semi-charmed life in Paris in the old, bohemic apartment in the eighteenth arrondissement with the view of the Sacred Couer at my window, I used to play and re-play this James Taylor song whilst I lie in bed on those quiet night, the moonlight shining through the window where my emotions ebb and flow, sometimes in angst, pain and or emptiness.
It seems to resonate with the theme of my life with men- the end of love affairs or lost loves...
Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight
Do me wrong, do me right,
Tell me lies but hold me tight,
Save your goodbyes for the morning light,
But don't let me be lonely tonight.
Say goodbye and say hello,
Sure enough good to see you, but it's time to go,
Don't say yes but please don't say no,
I don't want to be lonely tonight.
Go away then, damn you,
Go on and do as you please,
You ain't gonna see me gettin' down on my knees.
I'm undecided, and your heart's been divided,
You've been turning my world upside down.
Do me wrong, do me right (right now baby),
Go on and tell me lies but hold me tight.
Save your goodbyes for the morning light (morning light),
But don't let me be lonely tonight.
I don't want to be lonely tonight.
No, no, I don't want to be lonely tonight.
I don't want to be lonely tonight.
****
The other night, V did a stay over at my house.
She had about two questions of the century that she still find it challenging to fathom.
One of them relates to why I am so in love with the Old Boy.
We were also on the topic of jealousy and I said I don't understand jealousy. Maybe if I did, I could never have tolerated sharing.
Then there was also my childhood sixth sense about falling for a married and polygamous man. I saw it coming but also didn't see it coming since I was mindful previously to not get myself into a situation as such but it was in my karma for it to happen.
Before I got into an emotionally sticky situation prior to meeting the Old Boy, this was a song that I struck up an instant chemistry with. I could relate to the lyrics I thought but then I guess my heart has been ran over so many times over from a case of boyfriends leaving for someone else and hence so...
Ah so there, that's the song to sum up my lousy love life of the past. Not for the future, I hope.
"Why Should I Care"
Was there something more I could have done?
Or was I not meant to be the one?
Where's the life I thought we would share?
And should I care?
And will someone else get more of you?
Will she go to sleep more sure of you?
Will she wake up knowing you're still there?
And why should I care?
There's always one to turn and walk away
And one who just wants to stay
But who said that love is always fair?
And why should I care?
Should I leave you alone here in the dark?
Holding my broken heart
While a promise still hangs in the air
Why should I care?
Friday, October 03, 2008
Glassy
My eyes gets glassy after a good amount of alcohol. I think around my third glass of whisky mixed with water I begin to feel the effects.
Glazed and slightly dazed by the travelling of alcohol in my blood stream, I love to muse quietly and look around my surroundings- the idle chitter chatter, sight for cosy lovers (which never fail to give me a sense of fuzziness) and all the activities that are spinning around me, rousing my senses of sight, sound and scent. I get into a “Lucy and the Sky of Diamonds” state- I hear the lyrics sometimes singing in my head intermingled with the sounds that my ears picked up but were quick lose its meaning, I find myself in an unfocused and languid state... The world suddenly appeared a tad rosy.
Earlier in the night last week, I had dinner with a male friend, Soci at this Japanese pub where we chatted idly over a tall bottle of plum wine. With one too a many glasses of Japanese plum wine, I unwittingly caught myself in the above state. Later on, the Old Boy came to join us. Soci's father is a good friend of the Old Boy and I got to know Soci through his father when I was asked to give him advice on Australian education. The Old Boy eased into a friendly conversation with Soci as soon as he arrived and sat himself next to me and the boys got into a discussion about video games. Boys will be boys, I thought quietly. The twenty-year age gap was bridged by the common interest of playing games.
My world was getting slightly hazy with the consumption of alcohol. Right before the Old Boy arrived, we had ordered yet another bottle of plum wine. I was getting a good buzz and my eyes were getting glassier by the minute. I found myself mesmerised with the Old Boy and the warm, fuzzy feeling of love overwhelming me once more. In my languid state, I tried hard at focusing my attention on him whilst he chatted away but I occasionally turned to eye Soci in order to behave socially courteous.
In that state, I found myself loving and being so giving of love and being in love all at the one go for the Old Boy. I watched him quietly as the boys chatted on animatedly and I wished he knew how much I love him-like he could feel that surge of energy and power of my love for him through sheer telepathy. In my glassy state, I could only think of love, not passion for him. Just love. Silently, I was hoping to take courage and slide my hand to interlock with his under the table and hold it tight like before- maybe my action would speak louder than my words for all that I have felt for him. I held myself back given the inappropriate social situation.
Glassy- I enjoy being in that state of slight tipsiness, my girlish eyes glazed with the innocence and hope my closeted hopeful self still holds for the world. This state of Dutch Couragedness heightens my love because at that moment, I feel safe to make bold at wearing rose tinted glasses. I indulge myself and let my emotions flow as they deem fit-I stop worrying or being paranoid at being short-changed and would have voluntarily lost my cynicism into outer space. It's a powerful feeling because my glassiness made me feel almost invincible to disappointment and inevitably pain. I have so much love to give when my eyes become glassy, my state of being fixated at giving love to him, him forming the axis for my emotions and love spinned ceaselessly at a million miles per hour around him. My glassy eyes are ever so fond of distilling the images they see especially of the Old Boy, only registering the rosy shades of the surroundings with him before projecting them inwards- I see and hear my manic soul drunk with love and carelessness...heck the aftermath, there's always another day to deal with pain...
My eyes gets glassy after a good amount of alcohol. I think around my third glass of whisky mixed with water I begin to feel the effects.
Glazed and slightly dazed by the travelling of alcohol in my blood stream, I love to muse quietly and look around my surroundings- the idle chitter chatter, sight for cosy lovers (which never fail to give me a sense of fuzziness) and all the activities that are spinning around me, rousing my senses of sight, sound and scent. I get into a “Lucy and the Sky of Diamonds” state- I hear the lyrics sometimes singing in my head intermingled with the sounds that my ears picked up but were quick lose its meaning, I find myself in an unfocused and languid state... The world suddenly appeared a tad rosy.
Earlier in the night last week, I had dinner with a male friend, Soci at this Japanese pub where we chatted idly over a tall bottle of plum wine. With one too a many glasses of Japanese plum wine, I unwittingly caught myself in the above state. Later on, the Old Boy came to join us. Soci's father is a good friend of the Old Boy and I got to know Soci through his father when I was asked to give him advice on Australian education. The Old Boy eased into a friendly conversation with Soci as soon as he arrived and sat himself next to me and the boys got into a discussion about video games. Boys will be boys, I thought quietly. The twenty-year age gap was bridged by the common interest of playing games.
My world was getting slightly hazy with the consumption of alcohol. Right before the Old Boy arrived, we had ordered yet another bottle of plum wine. I was getting a good buzz and my eyes were getting glassier by the minute. I found myself mesmerised with the Old Boy and the warm, fuzzy feeling of love overwhelming me once more. In my languid state, I tried hard at focusing my attention on him whilst he chatted away but I occasionally turned to eye Soci in order to behave socially courteous.
In that state, I found myself loving and being so giving of love and being in love all at the one go for the Old Boy. I watched him quietly as the boys chatted on animatedly and I wished he knew how much I love him-like he could feel that surge of energy and power of my love for him through sheer telepathy. In my glassy state, I could only think of love, not passion for him. Just love. Silently, I was hoping to take courage and slide my hand to interlock with his under the table and hold it tight like before- maybe my action would speak louder than my words for all that I have felt for him. I held myself back given the inappropriate social situation.
Glassy- I enjoy being in that state of slight tipsiness, my girlish eyes glazed with the innocence and hope my closeted hopeful self still holds for the world. This state of Dutch Couragedness heightens my love because at that moment, I feel safe to make bold at wearing rose tinted glasses. I indulge myself and let my emotions flow as they deem fit-I stop worrying or being paranoid at being short-changed and would have voluntarily lost my cynicism into outer space. It's a powerful feeling because my glassiness made me feel almost invincible to disappointment and inevitably pain. I have so much love to give when my eyes become glassy, my state of being fixated at giving love to him, him forming the axis for my emotions and love spinned ceaselessly at a million miles per hour around him. My glassy eyes are ever so fond of distilling the images they see especially of the Old Boy, only registering the rosy shades of the surroundings with him before projecting them inwards- I see and hear my manic soul drunk with love and carelessness...heck the aftermath, there's always another day to deal with pain...
