Saturday, September 30, 2006

 
Scent Man

"I do get a whiff of your scent at my desk at least once a week." Dope mentioned unexpectedly.

"What scent?" she began sniffing around self-consciously.

"Your scent!"

"Really?"

He nodded.

"Didn't know you are a scent person."

"Very much so."

She was surprised that he could be that engaged with her being at that level. After all, Mr. Mimosa tends to keep intimacy levels to a minimum.

She has safely assumed that Mr. Restraint and Slow could not feel for her with his senses in any shape or form. Though much to her frustration (as a mistress to him) and relief (as a wonderful girlfriend not to him).

Sometimes but rarely, Dope is good at dropping a revelation or two.

Friday, September 29, 2006

 
A Time before Life stood still

As she was walking along the streets today, P suddenly recalled about the friends she has lost or have drifted apart since she left to be in the country she is today. That year was 1999. Seven years older, she feels that time has stood still. She still feels twenty. Well, not really. She thinks her life stopped when she turned nineteen...

****

She remembered the time where she was still a virgin. And two names came into her mind.

AM and DS seem to both each have a vested interest in protecting her from the carnal sins of the world perhaps in the bid to be the first one to deflower her.

But let's talk about AM first.

*****

The V-Protector I

She first met AM at one of the full moon Sarong Party while dancing on the dancefloor of the bar in her sarong (since it was a sarong party!!!) with her waist long hair let down. Sunset Bay was quite the fad in those days. (She wonders if that place, Boathouse she thinks, still exist). She was there with one of the then belle of her junior college. She reckoned her friend was probably going to get picked up that night. P just wanted to go out for some fun; her use to her friend for that night was to act as her companion since how could one party alone? But then P got luckier with male attention that night instead.

The attraction was mutual. She was seventeen and AM was nineteen. He was a bit of the backstreet boy variety. He was one of those Far East kids who earned the reputation of marking the Far East Plaza as their favourite haunt, hanging out with their street gangs after school till late. They were mainly westernised English speaking boys who went to a nearby neighbourhood school, although many of them came from rather affluent backgrounds and lived in the good part of town. The ones she knew appeared to have an affliation with the brat packs of a certain girls' school in the dating circuit for some reason.

AM was a bit of a different breed to P's experience with the opposite sex. She had never been out with a Far East kid ie. translated in her mind, a real street boy. It was the era of baggy Cross colour jeans, sterling silver chains and skateboard shoes. P was quite a bit of a rollerblader herself and adored the street boy look. So she welcomed the friendship with a street smart boy ( a little rough around the edges he was) with curiosity, flattery and caution.

In those days, P had two distinct signature look- street and bohemic but always improvised with a slightly classic bent to it. She alternated her dress style between baggy "Cross Colours" bermudas or jeans and a tiny tee, her hair tied up in a high pony tail for the casual, sporty look and black bell bottomed pants or jeans with a sheer A-line batik top or even a bright red Chinoiserie mao-collar fitted jacket and high platform shoes, waist long hair let down, her mod make-up, eye lined black to contrast with her pale lip gloss ie. heroine chic look if she went boogie-ing through the night.

Having quite resigned to fate that P was a romantic mishap, she figured boys are better off as her friends. So AM was kept around and she bestowed upon him the title of her "best guy friend".

AM was quite a seasoned player with girls, P knew, but failed to wheedle further information from him (but funny how she made new friends during her visit to DS in Melbourne who mentioned that AM broke one of their girlfriends' heart after the one night stand) on their night long telephone conversations...

"Promise that you would keep it safe when you meet a boy and when you are overseas?"

"Of course." she said bravely. How was she to know then? She could not see that anyone was worth it.

She was in love with Mr. London who came and went in her life like a flitting butterfly. And she was always telling AM about him. But Mr. London was as attached as one could be then, having a controlling girlfriend and a weak dispostion. Besides, P felt that she did not belong to that A-list.

****

AM and P spent some good times together. They used to hang out at Orchard Road and it was always good fun to be with him and the boys. AM had a best friend who drove a beemer and they would take her to the pubs where she consumed alcohol underaged in the pubs along Boat Quay, at Far East Plaza and the pubs near Cairhill. Then there was his 21st birthday party at the sleazy Karaoke at a hotel where they danced on the common dancefloor with the dirty old men and their acompanying hostesses and mamasans (she was so out of place in a black mock leather PVC 3/4 pants and her psychodelic printed 60s top, her usual mod make up and waist length hair parted in the middle like the woodstock) and where she was introduced to drinking XO cognac mixed with hot water (she quite like this old man's way of drinking cognac since). She remembered vividly the one and only Halloween Party she went to with him at Hard Rock Cafe where she dressed up as "Carrie". He kept that picture they took together with her white powdered face, bloody tear streaks painted below her dark circled eyes in her night gown at his bedside (much to the utmost displeasure and jealousy of his new girlfriend).

****

One night he called her from Singapore. She was in the hostel room with her new beau and his bunch of friends. He heard the noise in the background and asked what was up.

Being blissfully attached for the first time in four years, she was quick to give him a quick information update of her current life. And she told him about her new boy.

"So have you done it with him?"

"Yeah." she said callously.

"Oh."

Then he suggested speaking with her another time since she had guests.

That must have been October.

******

During the summer, she was back home to be with her family.

Late one night, he rang her and said that he was cabbing it to her house. He needed to talk.

She thought he was in some trouble so she said ok.

When he arrived, they walked on to a nearby 24-hour coffee shop.

They got seated and P noticed he was slightly tipsy. He had just came from a party.

"What's up?" P asked.

He talked around in circles for a good half an hour.

P grew slightly irritated and aware of the trouble brewing at home. At the back of her mind, she was worrying about facing the music at home. Her father was giving her some words for going out so late in the night with a boy as she headed for the door (she was used to sneaking out instead; it seemed strange even now at her age when she goes out at that ungodly hour back home without having to be sneaky).

"So what is it?" she asked again.

"I don't think I could look you in the eyes and watch your animated face talking and smiling again if I were to say it to you..." he seemed transported into his own thoughts with a half smile on his face.

"What are you talking about? Whatever you say to me, we'll always still be the way we are, silly!"

After much prompting, he went:

"When I rang you in Australia, I meant to tell you this. I realised that I amin love with you all along. I told my girlfriend and she was really upset. And then, you told me that you have a boyfriend and did you rememeber what you promise me?..."

"What?" she said. All she could now recall was the virginity and she searched her darnest memory but she could not find any further clues. She still wonders.

He said then there was more. And kept reminding her that she promised him.

She retained her composure and continued kindly:

"Well, it's good that you are honest. But we've always been friends for years. Thanks for that. I am really flattered. But you have a girlfriend who loves you. Don't be silly. No, it isn't going to change anything between us. We'll always be such great friends and besides, friends are forever."

"See, I told you. I can't look you in the eye from hereon..." he diverted her gaze.

"Now don't be silly!" she looked him straight in the eye.

"Promise me that your boyfriend takes good care of you. Or I'll bash him..." he attempted to lighten up the mood.

Then he suggested that he walked her home.

That was the last she saw of him.

*****

After that summer, she did not go home for many a number of years.

The email address he gave her did not work and she lost his number.

She last heard recently from DS that he had fallen from grace and has lost all credibility with his friends. His privileged friends. The haves and he, the have not.

So she got no telephone number from DS, her last link.

****

Nevertheless, AM would always be her friend.

The Dune perfume (a 19th birthday present she received from him) that still marks her scent on her nights in Singapore would always bring her fond memories of AM and those precocious years of youth before her life stood still...

Ironically, Dune still makes her feel sexy- post virgin.

Dear Friend, thanks for marking your presence with Dune, at least you were there for that good part of my life...

Monday, September 11, 2006

 
Another Day

Yet another day. Confronted by a new page of fresh disasters.

Is that how all people get through life?

Just when the general state of her existence is taking on a positive vibe, something's got to screw up and it comes to affect her life.

Times like this that she wishes she was never borned. She almost feels guilty for that. And it piqued her soul deep. An angry person she is.

Never asked to be borned. Never want to be borned.

****

One angry and crazy parent who always indulges in her pain. The ghost of her secret memories that come to haunt on those lazy, quiet afternoons. She knew she has come a long way and perhaps she deserves every goodness that she now owns. She is wont to emotionally blackmail-both intentional and unintentional with her strong views and dominance over their lives.

One quiet parent who resigned to fate that this is the story of his life. And one can only pretend to be happy and stick to one's bad life decision and make the best use of one's life. His death request is to leave no plaque or stones- just throw the ashes into the vast open seas and let his lifetime of unhappiness be obliterated with the passing of time and mortality...

****

She fears the institution of marriage and family as a consequence. The fear that she would be held emotional hostage. She dislikes or rather, have a general dread for children since she was a child herself for they serve as a powerful bargaining/binding chip to the family structure. Then she would never have the heart to live life her own terms. Most importantly, she would never bear the thought of children being put in that predicament of guilt that parents are unware of
impacting on them. The ultimate emotional blackmail where parents continue to stick by each other for their children. Such a convenient excuse-but so true.

Parents really shape the psychological landscapes of children all right. And forever, their ghosts would continue to haunt the consciences of their children.

She is a great product of her upbringing. And she is aware that she is just like her. In looks, demeanour and soul. And often, she suppressed her inherited manipulativeness and emotional disturbance that she is also capable of while her siblings inherited the good naturedness and simplicity of him. She almost hates her or perhaps herself sometimes.

****

She understands why people take off or go missing. New set of identity, new leash of life.

So she goes travelling alone. To have private time, away the hustle and bustle of familiar voices. Capture that single moment just for herself.

****
Seized by a panic attack each time a crisis happens and she wonders for the nth time if she would end up becoming more and more like her when she "grows up" because she understands where she is coming from, she could only promise herself that she would never be an emotional burden to anyone and most importantly, to her children.

Like a surfer being overcome by another huge wave once more, her heart sinks yet again and wished she was never borned.

So how long more to the end of this journey where she could hopefully lay in eternal peace and maybe forget it all?

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