Monday, September 11, 2006
Another Day
Yet another day. Confronted by a new page of fresh disasters.
Is that how all people get through life?
Just when the general state of her existence is taking on a positive vibe, something's got to screw up and it comes to affect her life.
Times like this that she wishes she was never borned. She almost feels guilty for that. And it piqued her soul deep. An angry person she is.
Never asked to be borned. Never want to be borned.
****
One angry and crazy parent who always indulges in her pain. The ghost of her secret memories that come to haunt on those lazy, quiet afternoons. She knew she has come a long way and perhaps she deserves every goodness that she now owns. She is wont to emotionally blackmail-both intentional and unintentional with her strong views and dominance over their lives.
One quiet parent who resigned to fate that this is the story of his life. And one can only pretend to be happy and stick to one's bad life decision and make the best use of one's life. His death request is to leave no plaque or stones- just throw the ashes into the vast open seas and let his lifetime of unhappiness be obliterated with the passing of time and mortality...
****
She fears the institution of marriage and family as a consequence. The fear that she would be held emotional hostage. She dislikes or rather, have a general dread for children since she was a child herself for they serve as a powerful bargaining/binding chip to the family structure. Then she would never have the heart to live life her own terms. Most importantly, she would never bear the thought of children being put in that predicament of guilt that parents are unware of
impacting on them. The ultimate emotional blackmail where parents continue to stick by each other for their children. Such a convenient excuse-but so true.
Parents really shape the psychological landscapes of children all right. And forever, their ghosts would continue to haunt the consciences of their children.
She is a great product of her upbringing. And she is aware that she is just like her. In looks, demeanour and soul. And often, she suppressed her inherited manipulativeness and emotional disturbance that she is also capable of while her siblings inherited the good naturedness and simplicity of him. She almost hates her or perhaps herself sometimes.
****
She understands why people take off or go missing. New set of identity, new leash of life.
So she goes travelling alone. To have private time, away the hustle and bustle of familiar voices. Capture that single moment just for herself.
****
Seized by a panic attack each time a crisis happens and she wonders for the nth time if she would end up becoming more and more like her when she "grows up" because she understands where she is coming from, she could only promise herself that she would never be an emotional burden to anyone and most importantly, to her children.
Like a surfer being overcome by another huge wave once more, her heart sinks yet again and wished she was never borned.
So how long more to the end of this journey where she could hopefully lay in eternal peace and maybe forget it all?
Yet another day. Confronted by a new page of fresh disasters.
Is that how all people get through life?
Just when the general state of her existence is taking on a positive vibe, something's got to screw up and it comes to affect her life.
Times like this that she wishes she was never borned. She almost feels guilty for that. And it piqued her soul deep. An angry person she is.
Never asked to be borned. Never want to be borned.
****
One angry and crazy parent who always indulges in her pain. The ghost of her secret memories that come to haunt on those lazy, quiet afternoons. She knew she has come a long way and perhaps she deserves every goodness that she now owns. She is wont to emotionally blackmail-both intentional and unintentional with her strong views and dominance over their lives.
One quiet parent who resigned to fate that this is the story of his life. And one can only pretend to be happy and stick to one's bad life decision and make the best use of one's life. His death request is to leave no plaque or stones- just throw the ashes into the vast open seas and let his lifetime of unhappiness be obliterated with the passing of time and mortality...
****
She fears the institution of marriage and family as a consequence. The fear that she would be held emotional hostage. She dislikes or rather, have a general dread for children since she was a child herself for they serve as a powerful bargaining/binding chip to the family structure. Then she would never have the heart to live life her own terms. Most importantly, she would never bear the thought of children being put in that predicament of guilt that parents are unware of
impacting on them. The ultimate emotional blackmail where parents continue to stick by each other for their children. Such a convenient excuse-but so true.
Parents really shape the psychological landscapes of children all right. And forever, their ghosts would continue to haunt the consciences of their children.
She is a great product of her upbringing. And she is aware that she is just like her. In looks, demeanour and soul. And often, she suppressed her inherited manipulativeness and emotional disturbance that she is also capable of while her siblings inherited the good naturedness and simplicity of him. She almost hates her or perhaps herself sometimes.
****
She understands why people take off or go missing. New set of identity, new leash of life.
So she goes travelling alone. To have private time, away the hustle and bustle of familiar voices. Capture that single moment just for herself.
****
Seized by a panic attack each time a crisis happens and she wonders for the nth time if she would end up becoming more and more like her when she "grows up" because she understands where she is coming from, she could only promise herself that she would never be an emotional burden to anyone and most importantly, to her children.
Like a surfer being overcome by another huge wave once more, her heart sinks yet again and wished she was never borned.
So how long more to the end of this journey where she could hopefully lay in eternal peace and maybe forget it all?
Comments:
<< Home
Is it really?
Not like mine though.
She never know the extent of damage she had done for us.Despite all the good things she had done for us. The only positive is her ultimate/ obsessive love for her children..
Age 5: I nearly jumped from the 23 storey because I wanted to use my life to teach her a lesson that would scar her forever- that is, emotionally and pyschologically.
Age 16: She pushed me so hard. I took a knife. She thought I wanted to kill myself. But no, I meant to kill her.
And let that be a lesson to dysfunctional mothers. I reckon I could sacrifice my life and freedom just for that.
Being a true product of her, I too am capable of destroying her by giving her a taste of her own medicine.
Not like mine though.
She never know the extent of damage she had done for us.Despite all the good things she had done for us. The only positive is her ultimate/ obsessive love for her children..
Age 5: I nearly jumped from the 23 storey because I wanted to use my life to teach her a lesson that would scar her forever- that is, emotionally and pyschologically.
Age 16: She pushed me so hard. I took a knife. She thought I wanted to kill myself. But no, I meant to kill her.
And let that be a lesson to dysfunctional mothers. I reckon I could sacrifice my life and freedom just for that.
Being a true product of her, I too am capable of destroying her by giving her a taste of her own medicine.
well, i haven spoke to her in years now. even when we meet for family gatherings, i avoid talking to her. I prefer it this way. :D
is your mum in the same city?
is your mum in the same city?
Well, you know the answer ;)
But if you're asking about the current moment, no.
I never quite look back since leaving home.
I live by the maxim of "Familiarity breeds contempt" and "Absence makes the heart fonder."
She sure wouldn't be hearing from her children for a bit after last night's fiasco.
My eye lids are so swollen today from weeping- not for her but for my Dad, the irreversible emotional damage that she had inflicted on all of us...
Never felt so broken and overwhelmed by grief in the longest while. The last time when I let lose and indulged in pain that way was my Parisian days...
But if you're asking about the current moment, no.
I never quite look back since leaving home.
I live by the maxim of "Familiarity breeds contempt" and "Absence makes the heart fonder."
She sure wouldn't be hearing from her children for a bit after last night's fiasco.
My eye lids are so swollen today from weeping- not for her but for my Dad, the irreversible emotional damage that she had inflicted on all of us...
Never felt so broken and overwhelmed by grief in the longest while. The last time when I let lose and indulged in pain that way was my Parisian days...
Got back from where?;) I am really losing track.
Update on what? Haven't spoken to my mum since.
But if you mean blogging other stuff, I constantly have ideas, just a lack of time to craft them.
Am working on a piece on my attraction to the idea of having a Big boy for a lover...;)
Update on what? Haven't spoken to my mum since.
But if you mean blogging other stuff, I constantly have ideas, just a lack of time to craft them.
Am working on a piece on my attraction to the idea of having a Big boy for a lover...;)
terse??..Lol
its better i email my responses in future. Cant seem to find your contact details. you could leave it here and delete it later. :D
its better i email my responses in future. Cant seem to find your contact details. you could leave it here and delete it later. :D
Well, you know my contact details well enough! ;p
Of course, unless I have been talking to the wrong person all along...;)
Post a Comment
Of course, unless I have been talking to the wrong person all along...;)
<< Home
