Friday, August 28, 2009
Diet
Lately, I find myself having a gradual aversion towards meat, which formed THE main part of my diet for the last thirty years. To begin with, seafood and chicken were pretty much the meats that I would eat or only cook at home. Pork and red meat are minimal in that order.
I noticed that even with my favourite meat groups, I have been able to find fault in them as either too meaty or fishy. As with my evolving personality, I am craving to eat more simply and healthily.
I am actually loving my carbs now.
I hope I am not losing my palette for the finer things in life.
If so, what's left of the old Prissy P?
Lately, I find myself having a gradual aversion towards meat, which formed THE main part of my diet for the last thirty years. To begin with, seafood and chicken were pretty much the meats that I would eat or only cook at home. Pork and red meat are minimal in that order.
I noticed that even with my favourite meat groups, I have been able to find fault in them as either too meaty or fishy. As with my evolving personality, I am craving to eat more simply and healthily.
I am actually loving my carbs now.
I hope I am not losing my palette for the finer things in life.
If so, what's left of the old Prissy P?
Old Habits
(a somewhat dated post)
So the baby was conceived and has recently arrived into the world. She thought that with the dawn of such perceived life changing experiences, people would move along with the times and into the era of new beginnings.
This said proud father of his little princess, although being slightly more hen-pecked continues to be somewhat restless. Well, towards her, at the very least. And one must remember that he is a very, very busy man who is often due to hop on and off planes at the last minute's notice. She wondered if it was a case of his never ending cavalier quest for eternal youth that keeps his pursuit for other women going or his ego seeking to close the real deal off with her post Ballantine. This gentleman, on a few occasions, made bold that he wanted her and when they finally met after weeks of sex-starved smses exchanges and last minute flights out of town, he told her that it was how he always fantasised about their intimacy.
Late one night, he came to pick her up. She had instructed for the car to drive past her house with the majestic gate and stop a bit further up the lane. When the text came that he has arrived, she got out of the house. After a few false starts, she finally spotted the black Lexus parked in a long distance away. The braking lights flashed a few times to alert her attention. She hastened her steps and got into the car.
“Hello!” She tried to sound light-hearted.
“Hi.”
“Let's get out of here.”
The gentleman reached over to her affectionately.
“Give me a kiss,” he whispered.
She smiled indifferently and offered her cheek instead for him to plant a kiss.
The car then sped on and she gave him instructions on where to go.
(More to come...)
(a somewhat dated post)
So the baby was conceived and has recently arrived into the world. She thought that with the dawn of such perceived life changing experiences, people would move along with the times and into the era of new beginnings.
This said proud father of his little princess, although being slightly more hen-pecked continues to be somewhat restless. Well, towards her, at the very least. And one must remember that he is a very, very busy man who is often due to hop on and off planes at the last minute's notice. She wondered if it was a case of his never ending cavalier quest for eternal youth that keeps his pursuit for other women going or his ego seeking to close the real deal off with her post Ballantine. This gentleman, on a few occasions, made bold that he wanted her and when they finally met after weeks of sex-starved smses exchanges and last minute flights out of town, he told her that it was how he always fantasised about their intimacy.
Late one night, he came to pick her up. She had instructed for the car to drive past her house with the majestic gate and stop a bit further up the lane. When the text came that he has arrived, she got out of the house. After a few false starts, she finally spotted the black Lexus parked in a long distance away. The braking lights flashed a few times to alert her attention. She hastened her steps and got into the car.
“Hello!” She tried to sound light-hearted.
“Hi.”
“Let's get out of here.”
The gentleman reached over to her affectionately.
“Give me a kiss,” he whispered.
She smiled indifferently and offered her cheek instead for him to plant a kiss.
The car then sped on and she gave him instructions on where to go.
(More to come...)
Note
When you find yourself feeling envious about the choice of a friend's husband and wish that he is yours, and if he ever chooses to come to you, you will realise that you don't want him after all.
Strange, isn't it?
When you find yourself feeling envious about the choice of a friend's husband and wish that he is yours, and if he ever chooses to come to you, you will realise that you don't want him after all.
Strange, isn't it?
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
The Meeting ( post “Rainchecks”)
We finally met up on a warm late Friday morning. I proposed meeting up at the Powerhouse Museum as my time in Sydney was short and I wanted to close in on some art appreciation time. There was a fashion exhibition on.
I arrived first at the lobby and a short while later after to-and-fro messages, he arrived, slightly flustered for having got lost. We smiled half warmly but tinged with a slight awkwardness like old friends do when they hadn't seen each other in ages and paid for our tickets (dutch, I insisted). We began wandering around in somewhat a disorganised manner, not paying much real attention to the exhibits whilst we tried to fill each other in about what both of us had been up to since we bade our farewells in May 2008.
I learnt that Dope had been made redundant since April 2009, got a not too bad redundancy payout package and took to travels around Europe with his girlfriend. He had recently returned back to Australia. I updated him about my pilgrimage in Nepal, failed partnership with the restaurant business and my impending business with DL.
Deep in our conversation, we were getting so lost in the museum. We tried to orientate ourselves using the map but as Dope is almost as bad with directions as I was, we were getting quite lost. We laughed and I joked that since we were both as broke, we might as well take our time and get our money's worth out of this exhibition as the fashion bits were mixed in with other exhibits on the history of locomotives. At some stage, we finally found the Lace Room that I was dying to see and as the old ladies curators were motivated to extend their education to a newbie lace aficionado like me, we ended up spending a good one hour in that room, be awestruck by the intricacy of handwork, whilst Dope stood around trying to take it all in. In between the “mini tours” by the curators, I sneaked glances at him and proffered my deepest apologies for making him wait whilst I perused through drawers and drawers of French, Spanish, Portuguese laces. As usual, he was cool about it in his aloof way and said it was interesting pieces of news for him and it was good for him to try everything out once in his life.
About two hours into the exhibition, we decided to call it quits as we were both ready for lunch. After that, we took a stroll to Darling Harbour where we sat by the water in warm-ish weather. The sun shone in our faces.
It was an absolutely lovely day. On a nice Friday afternoon, Dope and I were sitting by the harbour surrounded by skyscrapers enjoying a leisurely time. It was exactly the perfect type of day that I had used to wish for us to spend time together. He was never available and neither was I that that free- work demanded us from admiring the harbour views from our prime space offices that we never had time to even so glance out of the windows. We spoke candidly. I noticed he was less inhibited as a person and much more confident, almost showing that critical side of himself where he would have kept his views to himself in the past. For me, he found me more considered as a person, less flighty, looked heaps better and happier from my complexion. He commented I looked almost younger. My much better complexion, he commented was back to the same as when I was in first year university. I laughed and said it was probably the make up and blusher and he said, no, and pointed to my forehead area where the zits have cleared up from the last he saw me. I was in a really bad place, I admitted about last year but laughed in jest that I always had good skin back in university. Not really, he reminded me that there were years where it was a bit wonky. Funny he said that because I truly did forget I did have bad skin for awhile. I didn't realised Dope remembered so much about me-we were mere acquaintances back then.
We even talked about morbid things- like death. His father is 83 and his mum is only in her late 50s. He told me it was cool, when I decided maybe topics as such could be bothering on ultra sensitive.
Finally, the sun was getting too hot for my liking. Recently, my fair-skin has been developing some undesirable freckles. I wanted to get into shade as soon as we could. We move to the Home Bar for a drink and sat on nice tropical looking cane chairs in the cool confines of the establishment. I fancied drinking Pimms on such a warm winter day. Dope went to the bar and came back with two tall icy glasses.
Both of us were so much more relaxed than we used to be together. We talked about his ex-girlfriends, choices of gals and I confessed and laughed at myself on how I used to be so jealous with his choice of that girlfriend, my little scheming ploy to get him during that uni trip to the beach but alas, weeks later, he ended up with his then girlfriend- a relationship that ended quite badly two and half years ago. That girl was my classmate at uni and when Dope and I had our grey arrangement, she was still in the picture. Dope told me when he first got with her, he didn't care, just wanted a girlfriend after his previous grey arrangement of a Thai girlfriend lied to him. He flew to Thailand for her the previous summer and learnt that she always had a boyfriend back home and worst still, she lied about her age. She was two years older than him and had previously maintained that she was younger than him.
That was almost ten years ago. And here we were, aged 30 seated in a bar on a quiet Friday afternoon. We almost became pensive and remained quiet for some time.
Dope told me about how he is more confident now as a person, he felt. He was also trying to be less attached to things and people. I got the sense that he was suggesting why he could handle having an on the side affair now, more so than before.
My life had changed heaps too, I told him. I went through quite a fair bit emotionally so maybe that explained my change. I told him I am still trying to get better- Nepal helped but it is still an ongoing process. He could tell.
“I think... I think...,” I tried to find the right words. As with my more considered and quieter evolving persona, I constantly find myself at the loss of the right words to express myself. Like deep down somewhere, I meant to lose myself.
Dope tilted his head and smiled, waiting for me to complete my sentence.
“I meant to say something about myself and how I feel,” I replied.
Dope looked slightly amused, like duh, it was what he was expecting.
I gave a little laugh, knowing what he was thinking. Then I brightened up.
“Oh I know what I want to say to you now. I think over this year, I have learnt to let go off many things, namely fear... like say if, DL were to say he wants to leave me, I wouldn't have much fear to want to hang on for the sake of fear of letting go...”
Dope nodded, like he understood. A few times he mentioned how I looked less stressed and so much more at peace.
I meant to add too but stopped myself that perhaps I have stop fearing because my heart was truly shattered for the past year. So when one's heart is broken, how can it ever be broken twice right? There is nothing to guard because it has already been put out there and subjected to its utmost trials and tribulations.
When our first drinks ended, I headed for the bathroom. As I was returning to my seat, I saw Dope looking pensively and smiling.
“What are you thinking about Dopey?”
“It's the recession.”
“I know.”
“ And we are drinking...”
“At least we get to enjoy ourselves on a nice Friday afternoon. How often do we get time out like that?”
I was reminded of our past where time was never our friend.
“I would have gotten us another one if not for that..” he said.
Dope used to pay for everything when we went out. It was almost a given- he had always been a provider but more so, a generous person. When I offered to put in my share during lunch, he looked at me with that aiyah- you- don't- have- to- do- that- face but I knew every cent does count in an economic climate like this. Plus he had always been extravagant with money. Especially when he didn't know when he would be getting his next job within financial services. Later on, he did mentioned that by next month if he hadn't got a job, he would seriously be looking at selling some of his shares.
“Don't worry, we'll make do with just one drink,” I quipped in cheerfully.
“Let me get the next one,” I stood up to get to the bar later.
I fumbled through my wallet for change. From the corner, he saw and intercepted with some cash.
“Don't worry! I'm getting it!” I shoo-ed him away.
We had another drink and decided to leave.
I had another appointment to get to.
Dope offered for us to get back to his apartment nearby to get his car where he could then give me a lift.
So I did finally get to his apartment, except to quickly use his bathroom and then down to the garage where his new-ish s70 Volvo was parked. It was the first time I sat in his car.
I have forgotten how tall Dopey really is until he sat in the driver's seat and I noticed his super long legs.
A fast driver he was-whizzed through the city and through shortcuts he did and got me to my next appointment right on the dot.
It was a lovely day.
I got this nice, warm fuzzy feeling from our meeting.
Nothing sexual came out of it.
It was nice to catch up with a special, old friend again. In such a different context.
Pure bliss, I would say.
I will have this beautiful Friday afternoon etched in my mind for as long as I can remember even if we were never to catch each other again.
We finally met up on a warm late Friday morning. I proposed meeting up at the Powerhouse Museum as my time in Sydney was short and I wanted to close in on some art appreciation time. There was a fashion exhibition on.
I arrived first at the lobby and a short while later after to-and-fro messages, he arrived, slightly flustered for having got lost. We smiled half warmly but tinged with a slight awkwardness like old friends do when they hadn't seen each other in ages and paid for our tickets (dutch, I insisted). We began wandering around in somewhat a disorganised manner, not paying much real attention to the exhibits whilst we tried to fill each other in about what both of us had been up to since we bade our farewells in May 2008.
I learnt that Dope had been made redundant since April 2009, got a not too bad redundancy payout package and took to travels around Europe with his girlfriend. He had recently returned back to Australia. I updated him about my pilgrimage in Nepal, failed partnership with the restaurant business and my impending business with DL.
Deep in our conversation, we were getting so lost in the museum. We tried to orientate ourselves using the map but as Dope is almost as bad with directions as I was, we were getting quite lost. We laughed and I joked that since we were both as broke, we might as well take our time and get our money's worth out of this exhibition as the fashion bits were mixed in with other exhibits on the history of locomotives. At some stage, we finally found the Lace Room that I was dying to see and as the old ladies curators were motivated to extend their education to a newbie lace aficionado like me, we ended up spending a good one hour in that room, be awestruck by the intricacy of handwork, whilst Dope stood around trying to take it all in. In between the “mini tours” by the curators, I sneaked glances at him and proffered my deepest apologies for making him wait whilst I perused through drawers and drawers of French, Spanish, Portuguese laces. As usual, he was cool about it in his aloof way and said it was interesting pieces of news for him and it was good for him to try everything out once in his life.
About two hours into the exhibition, we decided to call it quits as we were both ready for lunch. After that, we took a stroll to Darling Harbour where we sat by the water in warm-ish weather. The sun shone in our faces.
It was an absolutely lovely day. On a nice Friday afternoon, Dope and I were sitting by the harbour surrounded by skyscrapers enjoying a leisurely time. It was exactly the perfect type of day that I had used to wish for us to spend time together. He was never available and neither was I that that free- work demanded us from admiring the harbour views from our prime space offices that we never had time to even so glance out of the windows. We spoke candidly. I noticed he was less inhibited as a person and much more confident, almost showing that critical side of himself where he would have kept his views to himself in the past. For me, he found me more considered as a person, less flighty, looked heaps better and happier from my complexion. He commented I looked almost younger. My much better complexion, he commented was back to the same as when I was in first year university. I laughed and said it was probably the make up and blusher and he said, no, and pointed to my forehead area where the zits have cleared up from the last he saw me. I was in a really bad place, I admitted about last year but laughed in jest that I always had good skin back in university. Not really, he reminded me that there were years where it was a bit wonky. Funny he said that because I truly did forget I did have bad skin for awhile. I didn't realised Dope remembered so much about me-we were mere acquaintances back then.
We even talked about morbid things- like death. His father is 83 and his mum is only in her late 50s. He told me it was cool, when I decided maybe topics as such could be bothering on ultra sensitive.
Finally, the sun was getting too hot for my liking. Recently, my fair-skin has been developing some undesirable freckles. I wanted to get into shade as soon as we could. We move to the Home Bar for a drink and sat on nice tropical looking cane chairs in the cool confines of the establishment. I fancied drinking Pimms on such a warm winter day. Dope went to the bar and came back with two tall icy glasses.
Both of us were so much more relaxed than we used to be together. We talked about his ex-girlfriends, choices of gals and I confessed and laughed at myself on how I used to be so jealous with his choice of that girlfriend, my little scheming ploy to get him during that uni trip to the beach but alas, weeks later, he ended up with his then girlfriend- a relationship that ended quite badly two and half years ago. That girl was my classmate at uni and when Dope and I had our grey arrangement, she was still in the picture. Dope told me when he first got with her, he didn't care, just wanted a girlfriend after his previous grey arrangement of a Thai girlfriend lied to him. He flew to Thailand for her the previous summer and learnt that she always had a boyfriend back home and worst still, she lied about her age. She was two years older than him and had previously maintained that she was younger than him.
That was almost ten years ago. And here we were, aged 30 seated in a bar on a quiet Friday afternoon. We almost became pensive and remained quiet for some time.
Dope told me about how he is more confident now as a person, he felt. He was also trying to be less attached to things and people. I got the sense that he was suggesting why he could handle having an on the side affair now, more so than before.
My life had changed heaps too, I told him. I went through quite a fair bit emotionally so maybe that explained my change. I told him I am still trying to get better- Nepal helped but it is still an ongoing process. He could tell.
“I think... I think...,” I tried to find the right words. As with my more considered and quieter evolving persona, I constantly find myself at the loss of the right words to express myself. Like deep down somewhere, I meant to lose myself.
Dope tilted his head and smiled, waiting for me to complete my sentence.
“I meant to say something about myself and how I feel,” I replied.
Dope looked slightly amused, like duh, it was what he was expecting.
I gave a little laugh, knowing what he was thinking. Then I brightened up.
“Oh I know what I want to say to you now. I think over this year, I have learnt to let go off many things, namely fear... like say if, DL were to say he wants to leave me, I wouldn't have much fear to want to hang on for the sake of fear of letting go...”
Dope nodded, like he understood. A few times he mentioned how I looked less stressed and so much more at peace.
I meant to add too but stopped myself that perhaps I have stop fearing because my heart was truly shattered for the past year. So when one's heart is broken, how can it ever be broken twice right? There is nothing to guard because it has already been put out there and subjected to its utmost trials and tribulations.
When our first drinks ended, I headed for the bathroom. As I was returning to my seat, I saw Dope looking pensively and smiling.
“What are you thinking about Dopey?”
“It's the recession.”
“I know.”
“ And we are drinking...”
“At least we get to enjoy ourselves on a nice Friday afternoon. How often do we get time out like that?”
I was reminded of our past where time was never our friend.
“I would have gotten us another one if not for that..” he said.
Dope used to pay for everything when we went out. It was almost a given- he had always been a provider but more so, a generous person. When I offered to put in my share during lunch, he looked at me with that aiyah- you- don't- have- to- do- that- face but I knew every cent does count in an economic climate like this. Plus he had always been extravagant with money. Especially when he didn't know when he would be getting his next job within financial services. Later on, he did mentioned that by next month if he hadn't got a job, he would seriously be looking at selling some of his shares.
“Don't worry, we'll make do with just one drink,” I quipped in cheerfully.
“Let me get the next one,” I stood up to get to the bar later.
I fumbled through my wallet for change. From the corner, he saw and intercepted with some cash.
“Don't worry! I'm getting it!” I shoo-ed him away.
We had another drink and decided to leave.
I had another appointment to get to.
Dope offered for us to get back to his apartment nearby to get his car where he could then give me a lift.
So I did finally get to his apartment, except to quickly use his bathroom and then down to the garage where his new-ish s70 Volvo was parked. It was the first time I sat in his car.
I have forgotten how tall Dopey really is until he sat in the driver's seat and I noticed his super long legs.
A fast driver he was-whizzed through the city and through shortcuts he did and got me to my next appointment right on the dot.
It was a lovely day.
I got this nice, warm fuzzy feeling from our meeting.
Nothing sexual came out of it.
It was nice to catch up with a special, old friend again. In such a different context.
Pure bliss, I would say.
I will have this beautiful Friday afternoon etched in my mind for as long as I can remember even if we were never to catch each other again.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Grapevine
From the social grapevine, an old friend from my Parisian days wrote to say hi and briefly mentioned that M is about to move to Singapore to do his MBA.
Hmm, interesting I thought to myself. M has been travelling to Singapore heaps for work but each time I missed him.
The very first time he had been to Singapore was 2005/6. He came for me. We spent the New Year together and parted sadly at the airport. I remembered him writing a brief email to me the next day that returning back to Hong Kong felt strange. He was a man of few words-only told me he loved me towards the end. I remember walking past the guest room of my house where he slept for a good 3 or 4 nights (see, even I am getting forgetful with time) and felt strange at the sight of the empty king sized bed, like I was half expecting to see him still lying there...
I haven't seen him since he left- too many rainchecks and missed timings.
One moment in time, I believe we must have loved each other.
****
A number of months ago (again, my memory is failing me and I have begun to stop remembering) we messaged each other on Facebook. After I mentioned about being back with DL and being really happy with my life now, he then he revealed that he now has a girlfriend. He said he was glad I had "someone to take care of" me now. Like I am a baby who needed to be looked after. M is four years younger than me.
****
Many moons ago, I did wonder at our future possibilities.
M is an intelligent guy and the best looking boy I have ever been with. All my girlfriends seem so "proud" of me to score a looker like him. I just remember him as the most sensual kisser I have ever had. There was also something about his lover hugs.
I am now remembering his long arms, always wide enough to hold me and squeeze me tight.
Singapore- who would have thought my beautiful ex lover boy would end up living here?
We had too little too late.
From the social grapevine, an old friend from my Parisian days wrote to say hi and briefly mentioned that M is about to move to Singapore to do his MBA.
Hmm, interesting I thought to myself. M has been travelling to Singapore heaps for work but each time I missed him.
The very first time he had been to Singapore was 2005/6. He came for me. We spent the New Year together and parted sadly at the airport. I remembered him writing a brief email to me the next day that returning back to Hong Kong felt strange. He was a man of few words-only told me he loved me towards the end. I remember walking past the guest room of my house where he slept for a good 3 or 4 nights (see, even I am getting forgetful with time) and felt strange at the sight of the empty king sized bed, like I was half expecting to see him still lying there...
I haven't seen him since he left- too many rainchecks and missed timings.
One moment in time, I believe we must have loved each other.
****
A number of months ago (again, my memory is failing me and I have begun to stop remembering) we messaged each other on Facebook. After I mentioned about being back with DL and being really happy with my life now, he then he revealed that he now has a girlfriend. He said he was glad I had "someone to take care of" me now. Like I am a baby who needed to be looked after. M is four years younger than me.
****
Many moons ago, I did wonder at our future possibilities.
M is an intelligent guy and the best looking boy I have ever been with. All my girlfriends seem so "proud" of me to score a looker like him. I just remember him as the most sensual kisser I have ever had. There was also something about his lover hugs.
I am now remembering his long arms, always wide enough to hold me and squeeze me tight.
Singapore- who would have thought my beautiful ex lover boy would end up living here?
We had too little too late.
Don't Explain
For a large part of 2008, the song summed up my heart. My life.
So hush now, sit back and enjoy...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxwJ9lh-id4
For a large part of 2008, the song summed up my heart. My life.
So hush now, sit back and enjoy...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxwJ9lh-id4
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Rainchecks
Dope used to take many a “raincheck” on our proposed outings, so much so that I lost count. The ratio might well be fifty rainchecks is to one outing. I hated the uncertainty and last minute cancellations due to a sudden assault of work on his end as with the volatility of the financial markets.
I now begin to appreciate the beauty of this concept. Taking rainchecks on proposed outings meant that there is a projection that a particular missed appointment is expected to take place in the future, albeit the uncertainty of when exactly. There is at least still that glimmer of hope that it will happen...
****
I haven't seen Dope since May 2008. The last we met I was leaving Sydney for my relocation back to Singapore and I bade him farewell. It was the only time we met that year.
Our slightly-more-than- a- year grey arrangement lasted until 2006.
That was it.
The undercurrent from the meaningful glances we stole at each other whilst we walked past with our respective partners at university culminated to this joint experience .
It was six years later on that fateful night as young working professionals, we bummed into each other on the bus from Sydney to Sad Town. The rest was history.
****
And now we are history. Of a different kind.
Too many rainchecks, too much going on, our going ons petered out.
A dear friend he is to me and I know vice versa too.
I could always count on him for professional help.
In hindsight, I reckon we were both not fit for erotic love for each other. We were loyal in being there to help each other, almost dutiful. Perhaps we were good as friends.
****
Two weeks ago, I suddenly remembered it was his birthday the next day. I thought I should pop him an email to see how he was getting on.
I hadn't been in touch since I left for Singapore in June last year. He would have no idea that I was back in Australia since we hadn't been moving around the social circle of uni friends in Sad Town. He is private as I am anti-social.
The email bounced and I thought perhaps I could send him a text instead.
Pleasantly surprised he was. Told me he got retrenched a couple of months ago and did some travelling after that. He had been wondering how I was getting on and was amazed that I still kept the same number having left the country.
Perhaps, I know I would return, I told him over the phone.
Surprised, are you? I chirped my usual cheerful sunshine P-style way that subdued Dope is used to.
Anyhow, I suggested we should perhaps catch up soon, either when he gets back to Sad Town or if I happened to be in Sydney.
We left it as that.
We had so many rainchecks all these years, I almost believe we will meet up someday but not soon enough.
It was okay since I am no longer hung up about him.
Dopey is and always has been a dear old friend.
****
A week passed.
Out of the blue last Thursday, I received his sms.
What are you doing with urself these days?
Strange question. He has never texted me out of the blue.
Knowing him, Dopey was never spontaneous. It even bothered on being suggestive coming from someone like him.
I dismissed that thought and went about doing my own stuff.
Hours later, I replied about how I am never really alone these days as I have so much to sort out with DL on our impending business, me getting back into making my on fashion creations and my meditation. I happened to be in Sydney the following Friday and was available to catch up until 4.30pm and suggested meeting up if he was free.
No reply.
****
The following day, an sms came through.
Excellent. You want to do something outdoors or indoors?
I felt a bit funny and showed the text to Daisy. We both figured maybe I was being a little paranoid. I mean, indoors could mean having a meal or catching a movie and outdoors hanging out at the cafe or maybe we could head out to the beach and sit at the cafe al fresca right?
Up to you. What have you in mind?:)
(I specfically added a more benign smiley face instead of a cheeky winkey.)
Just wanting to know if I need to clean up my apartment or not...
Jaws dropped. Both Daisy and me. I felt really (not quite really) funny this time.
But then again, I was wondering if he was thinking of inviting me to his apartment to hang out. I remember he had a housemate in the last place he lived (if he was still living there).
I decided to meditate on this one and not reply.
Then came another message.
Basically I'm wondering when ur period is. I've matured a lot since the last time we met...;p
Oh, so now he was propositioning me?
This was the first time Dopey had been so forthright.
I used to wear the pants in our relationship.
*****
2006- flashback!
One drunken night, with B in the room and slammed onto the couch of the hotel room, I went down on him.
Like a virgin boy, he watched me, part aroused, part unsure how he should return the favour.
His then girl-next-door girlfriend has never given him a head job. He was blown away. No pun intended.
**
Too many times, my advances in the form of explicit erotic tennis via work emails were left as they were. He wanted me to make it dirtier each time (perhaps to serve as wanking fodder for his own private-trip-to-the-toilet during office hours). So my serve gets hotter and harder but most of the time, my said Opponent played poorly and weakly. He remained resilient and almost cowardly for things to eventuate.
I was the sort of lover who loved to ravage a man. I didn't know how to play that coy virgin girl. So come fuck me or I would be gone. My attention span can only last as long as when I am having an orgasm.
He wasn't putting out for me.
He was self-conscious.
“You know I haven't been with that many girls...” he used to mumble off-handedly.
Every so often, his elusive self will remind me about how he always fantasized about me from our uni days. He never forgotten about how flexible I was at the beach.
I didn't like someone who becomes too much a teaser. All talk no action.
Shouldn't a man be more hot-blooded than a woman?
****
Last Friday, I was away on a supposedly romantic getaway trip with DL to celebrate our eight or nine year (if we didn't minus the break up of 2007/8 that lasted about a year).
Over an expensive dinner, we quarreled. We both had a bit too much to drink and somehow it led to a few things and then the mention of the Old Boy once more.
After paying the bill, DL walked out on me.
I wandered sadly back to our own hotel room in a new city.
To cut the long story short, as if someone up there wanted to deal another blow on me, my key card to the room could not work. As the reservation was made under DL's name, I was stranded and left to wait for his return at the lobby.
Strangely in my tipsily emotional state, I thought about Dopey and the unanswered sms.
The day before, I texted something and had Daisy vet over my message. She didn't know what to do and was already feeling bad for Dopey. So I decided to save it in my draft and leave it on the backburner to be carefully edited at some stage for sending off.
****
That night, my argument with DL triggered something.
No more hiding behind smoke mirrors.
I do what is right for DL and for myself.
Perhaps my Old Boy saga had too taken a toil on my frail heart. Kiss my past behind.
I decided to send off my text reply.
Hi dopey, I hv too grown but a diff way n at another stage in my life. There r some experiences that I am no longer interested in partaking. But dun take it the wrong way.
*****
Next day.
Hehe. Good to hear. I was drunk and randy as hell when I wrote that. Phew! Situation avoided. Still free for friday however:p
So we are both good. I am glad.
The very first out of the blue text took place in the afternoon. My feelers were up, knowing him.
Later that night, he lended his Dutch Courage to make forthcoming propositions.
Whatever it is, what matters is we are still friends.
I replied I will be in touch when the date draws closer.
*****
In two days' time, some of the long overdue rainchecks will be met in one meeting albeit very much different in its nature now.
**
Once upon a time, we had some pretty nice moments together...
After each rendezvous, I dreaded the rainchecks to come.
When would be our next time?
*****
I still think taking a raincheck is good.
It makes one hopeful to be reunited with a very dear one. Or perhaps it helps to hold off making some decisions that may not go down too well in the longer term.
However, there are also some rainchecks are better written off as bad debts.
Time to let go off some past.
We must all move with the times, mustn't we?
Dope used to take many a “raincheck” on our proposed outings, so much so that I lost count. The ratio might well be fifty rainchecks is to one outing. I hated the uncertainty and last minute cancellations due to a sudden assault of work on his end as with the volatility of the financial markets.
I now begin to appreciate the beauty of this concept. Taking rainchecks on proposed outings meant that there is a projection that a particular missed appointment is expected to take place in the future, albeit the uncertainty of when exactly. There is at least still that glimmer of hope that it will happen...
****
I haven't seen Dope since May 2008. The last we met I was leaving Sydney for my relocation back to Singapore and I bade him farewell. It was the only time we met that year.
Our slightly-more-than- a- year grey arrangement lasted until 2006.
That was it.
The undercurrent from the meaningful glances we stole at each other whilst we walked past with our respective partners at university culminated to this joint experience .
It was six years later on that fateful night as young working professionals, we bummed into each other on the bus from Sydney to Sad Town. The rest was history.
****
And now we are history. Of a different kind.
Too many rainchecks, too much going on, our going ons petered out.
A dear friend he is to me and I know vice versa too.
I could always count on him for professional help.
In hindsight, I reckon we were both not fit for erotic love for each other. We were loyal in being there to help each other, almost dutiful. Perhaps we were good as friends.
****
Two weeks ago, I suddenly remembered it was his birthday the next day. I thought I should pop him an email to see how he was getting on.
I hadn't been in touch since I left for Singapore in June last year. He would have no idea that I was back in Australia since we hadn't been moving around the social circle of uni friends in Sad Town. He is private as I am anti-social.
The email bounced and I thought perhaps I could send him a text instead.
Pleasantly surprised he was. Told me he got retrenched a couple of months ago and did some travelling after that. He had been wondering how I was getting on and was amazed that I still kept the same number having left the country.
Perhaps, I know I would return, I told him over the phone.
Surprised, are you? I chirped my usual cheerful sunshine P-style way that subdued Dope is used to.
Anyhow, I suggested we should perhaps catch up soon, either when he gets back to Sad Town or if I happened to be in Sydney.
We left it as that.
We had so many rainchecks all these years, I almost believe we will meet up someday but not soon enough.
It was okay since I am no longer hung up about him.
Dopey is and always has been a dear old friend.
****
A week passed.
Out of the blue last Thursday, I received his sms.
What are you doing with urself these days?
Strange question. He has never texted me out of the blue.
Knowing him, Dopey was never spontaneous. It even bothered on being suggestive coming from someone like him.
I dismissed that thought and went about doing my own stuff.
Hours later, I replied about how I am never really alone these days as I have so much to sort out with DL on our impending business, me getting back into making my on fashion creations and my meditation. I happened to be in Sydney the following Friday and was available to catch up until 4.30pm and suggested meeting up if he was free.
No reply.
****
The following day, an sms came through.
Excellent. You want to do something outdoors or indoors?
I felt a bit funny and showed the text to Daisy. We both figured maybe I was being a little paranoid. I mean, indoors could mean having a meal or catching a movie and outdoors hanging out at the cafe or maybe we could head out to the beach and sit at the cafe al fresca right?
Up to you. What have you in mind?:)
(I specfically added a more benign smiley face instead of a cheeky winkey.)
Just wanting to know if I need to clean up my apartment or not...
Jaws dropped. Both Daisy and me. I felt really (not quite really) funny this time.
But then again, I was wondering if he was thinking of inviting me to his apartment to hang out. I remember he had a housemate in the last place he lived (if he was still living there).
I decided to meditate on this one and not reply.
Then came another message.
Basically I'm wondering when ur period is. I've matured a lot since the last time we met...;p
Oh, so now he was propositioning me?
This was the first time Dopey had been so forthright.
I used to wear the pants in our relationship.
*****
2006- flashback!
One drunken night, with B in the room and slammed onto the couch of the hotel room, I went down on him.
Like a virgin boy, he watched me, part aroused, part unsure how he should return the favour.
His then girl-next-door girlfriend has never given him a head job. He was blown away. No pun intended.
**
Too many times, my advances in the form of explicit erotic tennis via work emails were left as they were. He wanted me to make it dirtier each time (perhaps to serve as wanking fodder for his own private-trip-to-the-toilet during office hours). So my serve gets hotter and harder but most of the time, my said Opponent played poorly and weakly. He remained resilient and almost cowardly for things to eventuate.
I was the sort of lover who loved to ravage a man. I didn't know how to play that coy virgin girl. So come fuck me or I would be gone. My attention span can only last as long as when I am having an orgasm.
He wasn't putting out for me.
He was self-conscious.
“You know I haven't been with that many girls...” he used to mumble off-handedly.
Every so often, his elusive self will remind me about how he always fantasized about me from our uni days. He never forgotten about how flexible I was at the beach.
I didn't like someone who becomes too much a teaser. All talk no action.
Shouldn't a man be more hot-blooded than a woman?
****
Last Friday, I was away on a supposedly romantic getaway trip with DL to celebrate our eight or nine year (if we didn't minus the break up of 2007/8 that lasted about a year).
Over an expensive dinner, we quarreled. We both had a bit too much to drink and somehow it led to a few things and then the mention of the Old Boy once more.
After paying the bill, DL walked out on me.
I wandered sadly back to our own hotel room in a new city.
To cut the long story short, as if someone up there wanted to deal another blow on me, my key card to the room could not work. As the reservation was made under DL's name, I was stranded and left to wait for his return at the lobby.
Strangely in my tipsily emotional state, I thought about Dopey and the unanswered sms.
The day before, I texted something and had Daisy vet over my message. She didn't know what to do and was already feeling bad for Dopey. So I decided to save it in my draft and leave it on the backburner to be carefully edited at some stage for sending off.
****
That night, my argument with DL triggered something.
No more hiding behind smoke mirrors.
I do what is right for DL and for myself.
Perhaps my Old Boy saga had too taken a toil on my frail heart. Kiss my past behind.
I decided to send off my text reply.
Hi dopey, I hv too grown but a diff way n at another stage in my life. There r some experiences that I am no longer interested in partaking. But dun take it the wrong way.
*****
Next day.
Hehe. Good to hear. I was drunk and randy as hell when I wrote that. Phew! Situation avoided. Still free for friday however:p
So we are both good. I am glad.
The very first out of the blue text took place in the afternoon. My feelers were up, knowing him.
Later that night, he lended his Dutch Courage to make forthcoming propositions.
Whatever it is, what matters is we are still friends.
I replied I will be in touch when the date draws closer.
*****
In two days' time, some of the long overdue rainchecks will be met in one meeting albeit very much different in its nature now.
**
Once upon a time, we had some pretty nice moments together...
After each rendezvous, I dreaded the rainchecks to come.
When would be our next time?
*****
I still think taking a raincheck is good.
It makes one hopeful to be reunited with a very dear one. Or perhaps it helps to hold off making some decisions that may not go down too well in the longer term.
However, there are also some rainchecks are better written off as bad debts.
Time to let go off some past.
We must all move with the times, mustn't we?
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Digger, Liar
I am good as a digger.
You are good as a liar.
But I caught you there. As usual.
As usual, I let it slip without having you discover you got busted.
So many times over, so many occasions I have lost count.
This was all because I love you more than I love myself.
Perhaps more than I have loved anyone.
I always thought I love myself the most. The mostest.
Everyone, including you know how vain and self-centred I can be.
Thieves honour we once held.
I condone your crimes to me.
How's that for a deal eh?
I let many things slide.
All the blog entries made up only one millionth of what I could ever bring myself to fess up to how I felt for you and what I would do for you. Just you.
I realise my love is so plebeian I am no different from her or any weak lovesick women I once condemn.
It is almost sick.
I always secretly wanted a baby with you. A little gal pretty as Polly for us- your lovely face shape, music talents and my royal nose and fair skin. A lyrical singing voice like ours.
P is as ordinary and predictable as that next girl on the street- it's out there in the open now.
Now go on and laugh at me, you people!
The mocking full moon is who I will blame for tonight's confession.
I meant to bring this to my grave. Alone. Wtf!
I am good as a digger.
You are good as a liar.
But I caught you there. As usual.
As usual, I let it slip without having you discover you got busted.
So many times over, so many occasions I have lost count.
This was all because I love you more than I love myself.
Perhaps more than I have loved anyone.
I always thought I love myself the most. The mostest.
Everyone, including you know how vain and self-centred I can be.
Thieves honour we once held.
I condone your crimes to me.
How's that for a deal eh?
I let many things slide.
All the blog entries made up only one millionth of what I could ever bring myself to fess up to how I felt for you and what I would do for you. Just you.
I realise my love is so plebeian I am no different from her or any weak lovesick women I once condemn.
It is almost sick.
I always secretly wanted a baby with you. A little gal pretty as Polly for us- your lovely face shape, music talents and my royal nose and fair skin. A lyrical singing voice like ours.
P is as ordinary and predictable as that next girl on the street- it's out there in the open now.
Now go on and laugh at me, you people!
The mocking full moon is who I will blame for tonight's confession.
I meant to bring this to my grave. Alone. Wtf!
Today' s Story
Let me tell you a story today.
So there I was having the usual period cramps lying in bed.
I got DL to fetch me my phone as I was expecting the arrival of Daisy at our house like some three hours ago. I had no sight or sound of her and decided I should take action and give her an overdue concern call.
DL mentioned that there were two messages. One which I expected was from my solicitor and the other I presumed was Daisy having stood me up.
It turned out that the latter text message was from The Man, whom some of you readers might recall not too long ago that he tried to get in touch with me. That is like after three years of having gone missing into the wilderness.
The message went like this:
“Hi P, I am back in Sydney for good. Let's catch up when you are back in Sydney the next time and keep me posted. I hope you have also found a new business to buy. The Man”
I was scrolling down the message and was figuring who it was until I reached the bottom part. Intially, I mistook it for Della whom I suddenly recalled was due to either fly out or arrive in Sydney today.
Anyhow, a good half an hour later, I decided to write her a text:
“Oi, are you in Sydney yet? If so, welcome. Btw, I just got a text from a guy I fugged with 3 years ago and thought it was you.”
I decided to hit “send”. As I sending, I realised the text was sent to the Man.
Well done, P. Well done! Which was what Della replied later on when I texted her.
*****
Much later, The Man replied.
“OK, keep me posted when you are next in Sydney.”
I could attribute his cordial reply to either his graciousness or possibly not having read the other not-so-nice text just yet.
Anyhow, it was true. We fucked. Three weeks later, he got married. It is what it is. I haven't misrepresent the situation, or have I not?
Fact is I don't think he will be hearing from me in any near future.
We haven't got anything for each other.
I have a new life. He has his life, whatever it is.
Case closed. End of story.
Let me tell you a story today.
So there I was having the usual period cramps lying in bed.
I got DL to fetch me my phone as I was expecting the arrival of Daisy at our house like some three hours ago. I had no sight or sound of her and decided I should take action and give her an overdue concern call.
DL mentioned that there were two messages. One which I expected was from my solicitor and the other I presumed was Daisy having stood me up.
It turned out that the latter text message was from The Man, whom some of you readers might recall not too long ago that he tried to get in touch with me. That is like after three years of having gone missing into the wilderness.
The message went like this:
“Hi P, I am back in Sydney for good. Let's catch up when you are back in Sydney the next time and keep me posted. I hope you have also found a new business to buy. The Man”
I was scrolling down the message and was figuring who it was until I reached the bottom part. Intially, I mistook it for Della whom I suddenly recalled was due to either fly out or arrive in Sydney today.
Anyhow, a good half an hour later, I decided to write her a text:
“Oi, are you in Sydney yet? If so, welcome. Btw, I just got a text from a guy I fugged with 3 years ago and thought it was you.”
I decided to hit “send”. As I sending, I realised the text was sent to the Man.
Well done, P. Well done! Which was what Della replied later on when I texted her.
*****
Much later, The Man replied.
“OK, keep me posted when you are next in Sydney.”
I could attribute his cordial reply to either his graciousness or possibly not having read the other not-so-nice text just yet.
Anyhow, it was true. We fucked. Three weeks later, he got married. It is what it is. I haven't misrepresent the situation, or have I not?
Fact is I don't think he will be hearing from me in any near future.
We haven't got anything for each other.
I have a new life. He has his life, whatever it is.
Case closed. End of story.
