Saturday, December 09, 2006
The Parting
They had earlier joined a crowd outside the Chinese temple to watch a fortune-teller display his supposed “supernatural” prowess. P tried her darnest at translating the presentation extravaganza from her limited understanding of Hokkien into English to satiate his curiosity as a keen foreign observer. He pointed out the loopholes to a gullible P who was quite mystified with the gig.
“So what was it that you want to tell me before you leave?” she asked him along the busy street at Bugis.
It has been bugging her.
(Two days ago, they lay in bed. After she told him the story of “The Respectful Murderer”, he opened his mouth to speak except that he decided to withdraw his speech at the last second.
“What is it?” she asked getting self-conscious, at the back of the mind thinking of the worst and had feared terribly that a certain friend had betrayed her and had divulged to M the key of the story during their time in Paris.
As if he had read her mind, he had replied, “No, it isn’t anything bad.”
“Then tell me.”
“I will tell you but not now.”
“So when?”
“I promise, before I leave.”)
“That I love you too. I didn’t want to encourage you further but I thought I would only let you know before I leave.”
****
They arrived at the airport. There were three of them. B was there. P figured she would need her best friend afterwards.
He had an hour before departure.
They went to the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaves where she ordered for a cherry flavoured tea that tasted like cough syrup. It was piping hot.
The three sat down at a table. He watched the time as he had about twenty minutes while she carefully avoided the clock. She sat next to him while B sat across from her.
B, the usually quieter chicky duo did her best to sound bright and cheery in her attempt to lighten the lingering tension. Under the table, P quietly slid her fingers to interlock with his. They held their hands tight together and he squeezed her firmly.
Small talk surrounding Hong Kong was exchanged between M and B; like how B should come visit with P when she makes a trip down to visit him the next time. P made bold to snuggle up closer to him.
Moments later, he decided he had got to go, as it was time. Seeing that she had barely touched her drink, he went on to ask her to stay on with her friend. He mentioned that they needed not to see him off any further.
No, it was okay she told him.
B quickly intervened the situation. Communicating quickly in Mandarin, she asked for P to go and see him off. He probably wanted time alone with her and B would stay put.
B and M hugged and kissed each other farewell.
****
We walked briskly to the departure gate. Our hands held on to each other tightly. That sinking wave of resignation overcame me once more. My knitted eyebrows formed creases with my forehead. I braved myself from tearing.
We stood outside the departure gate.
He held my face tenderly and looked intently into my eyes. He kissed my forehead and we rubbed our noses like before as we looked into each other’s eyes. Then he further kissed my lips, my face, then my forehead again until it was about time to leave.
“It would be really good if you could come to Hong Kong to visit. Hopefully, you could make it before September. I’m glad I came this time.”
I looked into M’s captivating eyes once more. I tiptoed and pulled my mouth close to his and kissed him one last time.
He knew I was about to slide my tongue into his and he retracted and insisted he had to go.
Then he entered the departure gate, went through customs and then quite quickly, he was gone.
Just like that, an entire year of anticipation for my Beautiful Boy packed into four days.
Pain was gradually replaced by that feeling of hollowness and void filled by the submission to defeat (for that lost cause)- it really saps away the energy of one’s soul.
Think I’ll aim for the waiting and anticipating and take a perpetual raincheck at meeting up. Perhaps it’s more merciful that way for my frail heart. That feeling of yearning might hopefully dissipate with time and I might perhaps wake up one day and realise that the pain has gone because somewhere along the way I have grown numb and I have forgotten how much it hurts.
To see M again would only re-open a wound that has left a deep enough scar and all I would take away with me distinctly would be the pain. The pain that I love him but perhaps never enough to will myself for a shake-up and take the bold step to give it a real go, the reminder of pain left by the irreversible mark that marred a part of my personal history because I cared more about him than he ever knew before and got myself into a mess and the pain associated with his once upon a time betrayal and why did he have to come and make amends to rock my boat once more when I have so strongly psyched myself that he was not worth it and he came back to allow us to know each other at a deeper level, only to make me love him harder?
I could not justify my emotions after all the hurt he was so capable of inflicting upon me, or at least he was so capable of allowing myself to do that. I take responsibility for myself and although I forgive, I am not one to forget. Call it having good memory or perhaps one trapped in one’s own suffering.
M embodies the Pain I feel as a consequence that I am to bear for the fallacies of my heart where emotional trappings could only compound upon one another and forever reverberate and echo to haunt my troubled soul until alas, one very fine day, I awake from Enlightenment and could suddenly sever those emotional bonds I feel for many and learn the true meaning of Love and taking courage to love The One and only.
****
Post Parting Notes:
“P, I really enjoyed the WE, though I think everything is a bit complicated for me.
I felt a bit strange when I arrived in HK but I guess that is normal.
Got to get back to work, big kiss and hugs, and thanks again for everything. Will keep in touch for sure.
M”
Labels: THE P-oignant Moments
