Tuesday, January 26, 2010

 
Phobia

I have finally overcome my phobia of driving. Eleven years after. You cannot imagine how excited I feel, like I feel my entire life is about to change for the better.

My fear of driving had always been the bane of my social life. It was alsonfast handicapping my ability to conduct our core business efficiently, given that DL's other business is fast gaining momentum which meant that he couldn't be my designated driver like he used to be.

So when his Dad suddenly contacted him about his grandfather's impending death which eventuated into death 24 hours later, DL was called upon to return home to Singapore on the next available flight.

I was left with the car, my appointments and our businesses.

I had to get over my fear of driving alone. Or driving for that matter.

My first drive alone was to drop DL at the bus station to travel inter-state. I had Fluffball with me to see him off. Then on the same day, I had a business appointment in the afternoon. My trusted GPS that DL bought for me (and which I had vehemently resisted practising my driving despite the assurance that the GPS will solve all my fear of my lack of a sense of direction ) saved my day.

It's been Day four since I had the use of my car. This morning, I drove far south to my business appointment and was quite proud of my ability to follow the GPS instructions. As friends know, I am just shit with my directions.

A couple of hours ago, I went to a friend's birthday dinner.

It is Australia Day today.

As I drove home from the city, I felt a sense of inner peace and satisfaction that I have never felt before. There was the awesome fireworks blasting before me (like it was celebrating me) in the sky as I drove on away from the bustle of festive activities, soul music with "Sweet Georgia on my mind" playing on the radio filling up the interior of my car, I couldn't felt any happier and free.

I have finally regained my own freedom and freed myself from the shackles of my inner demons.

When I get bolder, I shall take long lonesome, midnight drives with my favourite jazz channel accompanying me and my night journey.

Today, I feel like a new beginning has dawned upon me and for the first time in a decade, I suddenly feel that I can resume my social activities and be the good old social butterfly P in Singapore as I have always been. A dark, overcasting shadow lifted off me. Finally, Australia (a place I felt trapped in and have existed in for a good 10.5 years) feels like home.

Oh, Happy Happy Australia Day!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

 
High School Reunion

Last June when I was back home in Singapore, I organised a high school reunion. Facebook has really been effective for finding long lost friends.

I started the planning before from Sad Town. It was so awesome. A Thai classmate, Jessie of mine who disappeared suddenly in the third term and decided she was heading to New Zealand for her education flew back for the reunion and stayed at my house. She told me the real story of her disappearance and we caught up on old times like we have never stopped contact for 15 years. She remembered tons of stuff about me right from when I was 13 and we matched each other to our memory prowess and we laughed and giggled like teenage school girls, staying up all night to reminisce and catch up on old times.

Srangely, Jessie is a mum now and her body still looked great. She married a guy 11 years her senior she met within a year after her break up with her long term boyfriend. We exchanged girly talk about boys and sex as freely as we did as teenagers. Perhaps that's what female bonding is all about.

I let her in about my sordid life and she did with hers. She told me she kindda missed the old days....

Before all this came about, Jessie and I, together with a couple of friends went to the clubs. Before we left, I thought I noticed that she removed a condom out of her make up purse and dropped it into her lugguage. I didn't say anything.

That night, she confessed that she just didn't want to be tempted. If she didn't have the thought of knowing that she has protection in her bag, she would not act on her desires for the night.

It was a massive turn out. I had everyone dressed in green, just like our high school uniforms. People could spot our crowd from afar. I had a tiny spaghetti green dress on, a friend quipped that it was a skimpy version of our high school pinafore. Over dim sum, we girls gossiped like high school girls once more.

I felt young again and liberated. We were laughing a lot. I missed being in an all girls school environment. Most of my friends still look and spoke the same way, barring a few with newly adopted foreign accents, a few mums and wives. Then we have a few geeky types who have blossomed to attractive, well dressed ladies. Our tomboy ex chairman brought her cute Eurasian baby boy. She married her American lecturer from university 20 years her senior and has since turned into a globe trotting tai tai.

I was truly delighted. Everyone had an awesome time, catching up on lost time and gossip. I even brought old high school pics and yearbook. V and I took the opportunity to spread the word amongst our friends about Ange the bitch (an ex -BFF of V and a good friend of mine) who was instrumental in breaking up V and her ex fiance. Ange is now married to this jerk of a fiance and we heard from the grapevine, she fell pregnant. We all had a great bitching session- someone in our group captured the golden moment on photo- I was telling the story and all eyes and attention were on me around the table. It was hilarious.

It's funny how so many of my friends were married and have become mothers. It felt like yesterday that we were those giggly high school girls on sat on the railings of the bus stops.

Some people say that high school is a time where you either hate it or love it. If you had been a socially awkward nerd or one with a case of crazy hormonal zits, you would have found high school to be a pain. For me, I always had friends from both sides-the "in" group and the nerds and I had no trouble hanging out alone with myself (which I tremendously enjoyed). It was the boom time nineties for me (or rather my folks)- plenty of pocket/ shopping money to dress in the latest fashion. I didn't have a problem growing up. Sporadically, I even had boyfriends and suitors so life was great (especially with my rollerblades!:))

I had the usual self consciousness about my weight, given I danced and it was fashionable to be skinny which I wasn't. Being in an all girls' school meant I wasn't conscious about my image because of guys but because I was vain and love ME too much. But apart from that, I had the healthy self esteem of a normal 15 year old teenager. It was girl power all the way.

So yeah, I felt like I was re-capturing my youth being with old high school friends again. I miss being in an all girls' clique, doing all things girly. I just miss that youthful, old me.

High school rocked for me. I will be organising another reunion when I am next back...:)

In other news, during my high school reunion at this particular dim sum restaurant, I saw a familiar face dart out quickly from the establishment. She must have noticed me in our big, gregarious green crowd, moving around doing the social butterfly hostess thing. It was Buff- the current wife of my first serious pilot ex-boyfriend who came up to front me about how he was back with this jerk who dumped me (cos he cheated on me back with her. Jerk never had the guts to tell me but years after, a few missing puzzles resurfaced to form the full picture). Interestingly, a few days after, I noticed that he (or is it she?) had removed me from his Facebook. She had just moved back from Europe and she must have thought I must have been back to haunt her thirteen years later;)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

 
Home

I must say on most days, I am at peace.

I love being at home with my fashion creations around me in my mini studio. I spend many spare moments staring at my mannequinns, one in particular. I look out of the window next to my studio and watch the occasional passer-by on the footpath stroll past our garden with their dogs...

It is past 10 in the morning. I haven't got any appointments until 5pm. A few mundane paper related work awaits me. I am procrastinating and thinking about my unfinished blouse project that beckons me at my sewing desk. In about an hour, I should get up to prepare lunch- DL has a busy day today.

Some days I wonder how I have so gradually and successfully lost my weather worn anxiety. I really should be worried- the money is coming in a trickle from DL's business (though we are beginning to get busy but an impending death beckons him home at the last minute this weekend). He reminded me sternly last night another advertising payment is due on the first. Where should we find the money?

I don't know, I said, oblivious to the anxiety around me.

I find myself getting less hectic but more effective. Hopefully, the few deposits I get will convert to sale. Real soon- I have bills and debts to pay.

One sale and I might have a chance at paying all my bills.

Two sales and we will be going good.

Three sales, I will be coming back home to Singapore for a break from the mundanity of my life in Sad Town.

Then the royalties I collect will start making sense in our bank account.

Each sale I make thereafter, I could put it into the trust fund and pay for a year's tuition fees at the local grammar school if I have a child. If not, we will be going on holidays and planning towards a deposit for a house. Finally.

Actually, I think I will put that aside to get back to a fashion school and the leftover towards the other business project in the pipeline. Then there's more. My mum is hoping that she could persuade my dad to invest more in us in the next couple of years- a restaurant since it has always been the passion of DL and me. Maybe we will away from Sad Town. I have 3 places in my mind- Dubai, Paris or the Panama. We'll think about that when we get there.

In the meantime, I better sell.

Speaking of selling, I have amassed my own collection of fashion creations that I have done in the last eight years ago. I should really take it to the craft markets to sell once again. They should at least fetch me a few grand. Maybe then, I can start paying off some of my debts.

I am finding it hard to part with them- each painstakingly handsewn, painted and embellished with love.

For once, my love is soul deep.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

 
2010

Yes, I know I haven't blogged in ages. The readership though is looking stronger than ever.

I don't why. Maybe people actually LIKE the fact that I am NOT blogging so they keep checking...;)

2009 went and here comes 2010. Lots of untold stories of 2009 begging to be told, except I find the energy to write only in spirit and thought.

Another sexless year gone past- I am even beginning to feel nostalgic about my old messed up life, except I don't miss the messed up bit.

I find myself doing a lot of thinking and reminisincing and missing in my head but no motivation for action or shit stirring. Perhaps I am getting older and wiser. Or is it sedated?

Cash flow is running an all time low- I stop stressing. A quarter of a million dollars expended within 3 months, I have never been a bigger spender. But the number of shoes and dresses in my wardrobe remain the same as 2008.

I just read old blog entries of a certain Sicko and I was transported to a time in my life- old (seemingly) free spirited (/falling)P. I almost miss that.

Today I met an old buddy and was transported to reality. I haven't had a paycheck since May 2008. My old buddy still makes less money than I did in 2008 and he can afford to buy a brand new car upfront and a big trip to the World Cup and more left to buy a house. Where did my money go to then, I ask?

I should have enjoyed myself better. I spent too much time being depressive and too much money on food.

My mum bought me a pair of Ted Baker shoes for Christmas but where can I wear them to? I am stuck in my ugly blue uniforms and comfy air sole shoes on most days- I am trying to relate to the masses and I have dropped my pearls.

Lately, I spent most of my non-working hours creating beautiful clothes. It's been keeping my adrenalin pumping. I need more mannequins in my studio. Now I am finding my mojo back, like my good old days in Paris minus the pain.

In other news, M wrote suddenly that he has moved to Singapore (a country he first visited to make up to me a year after we parted in Paris) and that he would love for us to catch up when I am back.

Do I make anything out of it? I stop thinking and wondering.

Now would anyone like to check out my new collection of clothes? I am working on a "runaway" bag.

I would love to talk about my new creations!:)

My old buddy is excited to see me picking myself up and doing my thing again. He was the only person who saw me in action in Paris.

Now I need to work on T-shirt I have promised him 5.5 years ago.

Yes, it's already five and the half years- Paris, Mr. London and my shits, we reminisced.

Stop reminding me that I am turning 32, he said.

"I so wanted to have a girlfriend, P!" he confessed emphatically in our drunken state while we strolled along the River Seine as I wept over Mr. London.

He is finally dating a girl with the same name as my mum and the ex office bully.

Just dating and getting to know each other, no action as yet but I am crossing my fingers for him.

Enjoy this dancing around the maypole mating ritual before your life becomes as mundane as mine, I laughed.

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