Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Late in the night...
where here I am sitting on my couch, my laptop on my lap.
I feel a deep anxiety arising like my days in Sydney.
I don't fancy going to work the next day.
I have been falling sick for quite a bit and judging from me being at work for only 7 months, I have taken sick leave for at least 4 days.
The anxiety is unbearable and I feel trapped again once more.
Trapped,stifled, restless and wanting to break free.
This is how I feel NOW.
I fear the dawn of a new work day.
The anxiety is more delibitating than the time I was trapped in my financial woes from a failing business.
I can't explain why although it is illogical.
At least, I did not experience that feeling-like-a-train-wreck anxiety that I feel at the moment.
Tomorrow is the day that never ends where we are made to work for a good 11 hours with no extra pay of course. Doesn't help that the boss is in town to talk about targets and reviews.
With or without the boss, life as a salaried employee sucks for me. I live for the weekends.
Life shouldn't be all about weekends, shouldn't it? I long for the day where everyday is going to be a GREAT day and I know what a GREAT day looks like for me.
I wake up, walk my dog, jump straight into work of the creative sort in my PJs. I never have to leave my home unless I feel like it. I play music as I work and sometimes I work in solitude with my dog at my feet. I stop to take a break whenever I want or not. I throw myself into what I love- I breathe and live my work. Work becomes play. Play becomes work.
Once upon a time when I was dealing with my failing business, I did a lot of that when I wasn't out doing presentations. And I liked that bit about my life. Yes, I did work round the clock but I still had some control over my mobility. I wore a uniform too in that business so I never had to worry about what to wear to work because I am a lazy dresser. I don't see the need to dress unless I am socialising. I hate all outfits relating to office work. That isn't my true style and I loathe the thought that my wadrobe is filled out with oufits that isn't true to my individualism and choking up my limited storage space.
So there...
Am feeling a little repressed for a while and since I have been a recluse for a long while, I have even lost my writing voice and have accumulated this inertia to write and vent.
I figured I must as well download it here on the blog in one breath in this small window of opportunity which I can so much move my fingers a bit longer to type.
Do drop me a line or two you all, it can be quite lonely here in Sad Town (am down to 2 friends whom I hardly meet)...
where here I am sitting on my couch, my laptop on my lap.
I feel a deep anxiety arising like my days in Sydney.
I don't fancy going to work the next day.
I have been falling sick for quite a bit and judging from me being at work for only 7 months, I have taken sick leave for at least 4 days.
The anxiety is unbearable and I feel trapped again once more.
Trapped,stifled, restless and wanting to break free.
This is how I feel NOW.
I fear the dawn of a new work day.
The anxiety is more delibitating than the time I was trapped in my financial woes from a failing business.
I can't explain why although it is illogical.
At least, I did not experience that feeling-like-a-train-wreck anxiety that I feel at the moment.
Tomorrow is the day that never ends where we are made to work for a good 11 hours with no extra pay of course. Doesn't help that the boss is in town to talk about targets and reviews.
With or without the boss, life as a salaried employee sucks for me. I live for the weekends.
Life shouldn't be all about weekends, shouldn't it? I long for the day where everyday is going to be a GREAT day and I know what a GREAT day looks like for me.
I wake up, walk my dog, jump straight into work of the creative sort in my PJs. I never have to leave my home unless I feel like it. I play music as I work and sometimes I work in solitude with my dog at my feet. I stop to take a break whenever I want or not. I throw myself into what I love- I breathe and live my work. Work becomes play. Play becomes work.
Once upon a time when I was dealing with my failing business, I did a lot of that when I wasn't out doing presentations. And I liked that bit about my life. Yes, I did work round the clock but I still had some control over my mobility. I wore a uniform too in that business so I never had to worry about what to wear to work because I am a lazy dresser. I don't see the need to dress unless I am socialising. I hate all outfits relating to office work. That isn't my true style and I loathe the thought that my wadrobe is filled out with oufits that isn't true to my individualism and choking up my limited storage space.
So there...
Am feeling a little repressed for a while and since I have been a recluse for a long while, I have even lost my writing voice and have accumulated this inertia to write and vent.
I figured I must as well download it here on the blog in one breath in this small window of opportunity which I can so much move my fingers a bit longer to type.
Do drop me a line or two you all, it can be quite lonely here in Sad Town (am down to 2 friends whom I hardly meet)...
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Thoughts & Update
Feeling mentally trapped at the moment... trapped by the banality of life as a salaried worker... I feel stifled.
My only form of enjoyment are design books. I try to escape to the public library during lunch time to request for more and more fashion design books to keep myself going. Whenever I am in Sydney, I head off to Kinokuniya to splurge on more books... there are piles of sustainable/eco/ethical fashion and fibre books everywhere around my tiny house- in the living room, by my bedside...
I live for the day where my vexation will end and my money problems will stop. Damn those credit card bills from our last failed business... and then there was the Fluffball's passing... life has never been quite the same... DL still talks to her on a daily basis and sheds a number of tears in private... her unwashed bed and blankets lying in the house, her smelly jumper hanging on DL's side of the bedhead where he takes great delight in sniffing and searching for her dog scent... We have been counting down the days since she departed. It was 7 weeks or 49 days last Friday and in our culture, the dead is meant to return to bid his/her final farewell before moving on to the next reincarnation or journey. We waited and waited but nothing happen- no sign whatsoever.
Well, a strange phenomen has been observed then again. Rusty has stopped trying to sleep in the Fluffball's bed since her passing which she was previously ever so fond of. BUT since last weekend after the Fluffball's 49th day, she has re-adopted her old habit of going to sleep in the Fluffball's bed; in fact, she is sleeping in her dead sister's bed as I type. So have the Fluffball been at home all this while unbeknownst to DL and me, I wonder? After all, it is said that dogs are very spiritual animals and they do see "things" of the supernatural kind...
****
In other news, I was in Sydney some 2 weekends ago and met up with M for the first time in 5.5 years. It was a surreal feeling- we had breakfast, was civil and caught up with what we have been up to. Perhaps the lack of sex or interest in all things sexual leave me with little desire for this beautiful looking guy whom I was so in love with many moons ago. He asked if I was married, still with the same guy, how my family was and all the pleasantries and curious yet polite questions that an old love would ask. Perhaps because he didn't know what to say initially, he also kept asking me the same question on how exactly I was. I answered him honestly and as I could.
Don't think I will ever get married now, I said with a laugh. Why, he asked. Cos I am too old to do so now, I laughed. I meant it- marriage is for the somewhat newly met and dating in my opinion, something of a bit of a whirlwind. DL and I have passed that stage- there isn't the so called next step to look forward to- we've been there and done that- in Australian common law, we are as good as married so what good is that piece of paper to legalise it really?
Similarly, M has been with the same China girl for the past 3.5 years- so I reckon it must be rather serious, I said. Thoughts about marriage, I asked with a smile. Not really, he said. She had wanted it them to get married in the first 1.5 years of their relationship but now she has grown used to his idea of non-marriage, he said.
He is now based in KL now, having been based in Singapore the whole of last year. But you never came home, he said. So we never met and hung out. I was busy fighting fires with the business, I confessed.
We talked about our old friends in Paris, Random George (who always reminded me of Nano in aloofness and aura- both with the aura of old Spanish wealth) whom I randomly fucked and how they are still in touch since they went to the same school in Chile. He updated me that they caught up again when they both attended Wharton Business school in Pennsylvania last year. Random George's family owns one of the oldest investment banks in their country in Latin America and the licensing for an American investment bank and so RG would be working in the family business back home once he is done with his MBA. Prior, he was working in New York in the affliated American investment bank for a good number of years.
So M and I spent a good 2.5 hours over breakfast and strolling along the Circular Quay with the Sydney Opera House in the backdrop and back to his hotel room at the Intercontinental Hotel where he had to do his last minute packing. Nothing happened and I reckon no one had any thoughts or expectations for things to happen. At the end, DL and the older sibling rang to pick me up and was parking at an awkward spot so I had to run. We hugged hastily to say goodbye, him embracing me more than I did reciprocate (me having morphed into a recluse and uncomfortble with the human touch of an embrace from both male and female.
I was feeling alright and my emotions were even during the meeting. But after the parting, I felt something strange and unsettling for the rest of the weekend.
*****
In other news, more baby news from close friends. I texted B to wish her a happy birthday last week and she announced that she is pregnant with baby number 2. Time flies- I haven't even seen baby number 1 yet.
Then a month or so ago, I was supposed to catch up with The Man whilst I was in Sydney for work. He cancelled last minute on me due to a "family emergency". What emergency I wonder as he has no family here except his wife. I soon learnt that his 10 month old baby fell down and broke her leg. I have yet to tell my tale about his visit to Sad Town last year in June- like he meant to have some form of closure with me. Counting back as to when the baby was born, it seemed like his visit to Sad Town was a deliberate attempt as he left his heavily pregnant wife at home in Sydney. He came to Sad Town with a purpose and strangely enough to pop a questio to me. I thought only females want answers. After all, this was the dude that was about to get married in 3 weeks when we did the dirty. Surely, he would have moved on faster than I did....
On 11th June, Nano got married. To an ex-girlfriend from his youth. Obviously, I wasn't invited. It was a massive wedding at a well known country club in Manila. He told me there were over 600 guests and they didn't get to sit down at all during the night. I remember feeling strange that Saturday morning I woke up knowing that he was getting married and that in the Philippines, there is no such thing in its law as a divorce. The only other eligible guy that I would realistically consider having a go with for obvious and not so obvious reasons. Taken. To be honest, I felt somewhat sad and I didn't even know why I should be feeling this way. Maybe we should both get married if we didn't end up with anyone, he once said. But then again, how could someone like Nano NOT ever get married right? Someone of his social statute. I recalled that day where he learnt that I was back with DL in late 2008. He was surprised (just as the Old Boy was) and asked if I was happy and I said yes. Then he said he was happy for me then, really. I noted his disappointment but I remembered most about his graciousness as he always is as a person- a true pedigree for someone of his class. So I put ME aside on his special day and sent him a text to wish him the very best in the new chapter of his life and domestic bliss to his new wife. Within 30 minutes, he replied with a "Thanks. Just got out of mass:)" So it was sealed, lock, stock and barrel.
Other news, I learnt on Facebook that Big M had baby no.2 in Dec last year. In a span of 1.5 years, two baby girls he had. No wonder a few weeks ago when he wrote me a 2-liner out of the blue and I asked if baby no. 2 is coming along anytime soon (bearing in mind he turns a big 4"O" this year and his wife is only a year younger with a biological clock ticking), I got no reply thereafter.
More news from the omnipotent Facebook! Dr. Jekyll and Hyde finally tied the knot with his girlfriend whom I met at my buddy, Harry's solemnisation party 2 years ago. The girl who sat opposite me and was friendly with me. Little did she know about my history with her current husband...
Ah well, c'est la vie.
What can I say? Time flies.
Can't believe I am in my 30s and still, my mental restlessness continues to torment me...
I can't find face another day at work tomorrow- the banality of a salaried employee is killing me.
Feeling mentally trapped at the moment... trapped by the banality of life as a salaried worker... I feel stifled.
My only form of enjoyment are design books. I try to escape to the public library during lunch time to request for more and more fashion design books to keep myself going. Whenever I am in Sydney, I head off to Kinokuniya to splurge on more books... there are piles of sustainable/eco/ethical fashion and fibre books everywhere around my tiny house- in the living room, by my bedside...
I live for the day where my vexation will end and my money problems will stop. Damn those credit card bills from our last failed business... and then there was the Fluffball's passing... life has never been quite the same... DL still talks to her on a daily basis and sheds a number of tears in private... her unwashed bed and blankets lying in the house, her smelly jumper hanging on DL's side of the bedhead where he takes great delight in sniffing and searching for her dog scent... We have been counting down the days since she departed. It was 7 weeks or 49 days last Friday and in our culture, the dead is meant to return to bid his/her final farewell before moving on to the next reincarnation or journey. We waited and waited but nothing happen- no sign whatsoever.
Well, a strange phenomen has been observed then again. Rusty has stopped trying to sleep in the Fluffball's bed since her passing which she was previously ever so fond of. BUT since last weekend after the Fluffball's 49th day, she has re-adopted her old habit of going to sleep in the Fluffball's bed; in fact, she is sleeping in her dead sister's bed as I type. So have the Fluffball been at home all this while unbeknownst to DL and me, I wonder? After all, it is said that dogs are very spiritual animals and they do see "things" of the supernatural kind...
****
In other news, I was in Sydney some 2 weekends ago and met up with M for the first time in 5.5 years. It was a surreal feeling- we had breakfast, was civil and caught up with what we have been up to. Perhaps the lack of sex or interest in all things sexual leave me with little desire for this beautiful looking guy whom I was so in love with many moons ago. He asked if I was married, still with the same guy, how my family was and all the pleasantries and curious yet polite questions that an old love would ask. Perhaps because he didn't know what to say initially, he also kept asking me the same question on how exactly I was. I answered him honestly and as I could.
Don't think I will ever get married now, I said with a laugh. Why, he asked. Cos I am too old to do so now, I laughed. I meant it- marriage is for the somewhat newly met and dating in my opinion, something of a bit of a whirlwind. DL and I have passed that stage- there isn't the so called next step to look forward to- we've been there and done that- in Australian common law, we are as good as married so what good is that piece of paper to legalise it really?
Similarly, M has been with the same China girl for the past 3.5 years- so I reckon it must be rather serious, I said. Thoughts about marriage, I asked with a smile. Not really, he said. She had wanted it them to get married in the first 1.5 years of their relationship but now she has grown used to his idea of non-marriage, he said.
He is now based in KL now, having been based in Singapore the whole of last year. But you never came home, he said. So we never met and hung out. I was busy fighting fires with the business, I confessed.
We talked about our old friends in Paris, Random George (who always reminded me of Nano in aloofness and aura- both with the aura of old Spanish wealth) whom I randomly fucked and how they are still in touch since they went to the same school in Chile. He updated me that they caught up again when they both attended Wharton Business school in Pennsylvania last year. Random George's family owns one of the oldest investment banks in their country in Latin America and the licensing for an American investment bank and so RG would be working in the family business back home once he is done with his MBA. Prior, he was working in New York in the affliated American investment bank for a good number of years.
So M and I spent a good 2.5 hours over breakfast and strolling along the Circular Quay with the Sydney Opera House in the backdrop and back to his hotel room at the Intercontinental Hotel where he had to do his last minute packing. Nothing happened and I reckon no one had any thoughts or expectations for things to happen. At the end, DL and the older sibling rang to pick me up and was parking at an awkward spot so I had to run. We hugged hastily to say goodbye, him embracing me more than I did reciprocate (me having morphed into a recluse and uncomfortble with the human touch of an embrace from both male and female.
I was feeling alright and my emotions were even during the meeting. But after the parting, I felt something strange and unsettling for the rest of the weekend.
*****
In other news, more baby news from close friends. I texted B to wish her a happy birthday last week and she announced that she is pregnant with baby number 2. Time flies- I haven't even seen baby number 1 yet.
Then a month or so ago, I was supposed to catch up with The Man whilst I was in Sydney for work. He cancelled last minute on me due to a "family emergency". What emergency I wonder as he has no family here except his wife. I soon learnt that his 10 month old baby fell down and broke her leg. I have yet to tell my tale about his visit to Sad Town last year in June- like he meant to have some form of closure with me. Counting back as to when the baby was born, it seemed like his visit to Sad Town was a deliberate attempt as he left his heavily pregnant wife at home in Sydney. He came to Sad Town with a purpose and strangely enough to pop a questio to me. I thought only females want answers. After all, this was the dude that was about to get married in 3 weeks when we did the dirty. Surely, he would have moved on faster than I did....
On 11th June, Nano got married. To an ex-girlfriend from his youth. Obviously, I wasn't invited. It was a massive wedding at a well known country club in Manila. He told me there were over 600 guests and they didn't get to sit down at all during the night. I remember feeling strange that Saturday morning I woke up knowing that he was getting married and that in the Philippines, there is no such thing in its law as a divorce. The only other eligible guy that I would realistically consider having a go with for obvious and not so obvious reasons. Taken. To be honest, I felt somewhat sad and I didn't even know why I should be feeling this way. Maybe we should both get married if we didn't end up with anyone, he once said. But then again, how could someone like Nano NOT ever get married right? Someone of his social statute. I recalled that day where he learnt that I was back with DL in late 2008. He was surprised (just as the Old Boy was) and asked if I was happy and I said yes. Then he said he was happy for me then, really. I noted his disappointment but I remembered most about his graciousness as he always is as a person- a true pedigree for someone of his class. So I put ME aside on his special day and sent him a text to wish him the very best in the new chapter of his life and domestic bliss to his new wife. Within 30 minutes, he replied with a "Thanks. Just got out of mass:)" So it was sealed, lock, stock and barrel.
Other news, I learnt on Facebook that Big M had baby no.2 in Dec last year. In a span of 1.5 years, two baby girls he had. No wonder a few weeks ago when he wrote me a 2-liner out of the blue and I asked if baby no. 2 is coming along anytime soon (bearing in mind he turns a big 4"O" this year and his wife is only a year younger with a biological clock ticking), I got no reply thereafter.
More news from the omnipotent Facebook! Dr. Jekyll and Hyde finally tied the knot with his girlfriend whom I met at my buddy, Harry's solemnisation party 2 years ago. The girl who sat opposite me and was friendly with me. Little did she know about my history with her current husband...
Ah well, c'est la vie.
What can I say? Time flies.
Can't believe I am in my 30s and still, my mental restlessness continues to torment me...
I can't find face another day at work tomorrow- the banality of a salaried employee is killing me.
