Thursday, May 17, 2007
Going Down
I’m suffering from dull spirits during the whole of today. I think it has something to do with me talking about my discontentment at work to the sibling last night. I suspect I’m the sort who operates better if I don’t talk about my problems because it gets magnified when it happens. Today, I was really down.
I wasn’t thinking about it even but like a slow lethal weapon, it had insidiously spread into my entire being and coloured my mood into a few shades darker. I don't know why.
Right from the morning, I felt that I must have got up at the wrong side of the bed or maybe it has something to do with my unrested sleeps- me being assualted by a million dreams nightly. This is to the point that when I drag myself to wake up, I often exude the disposition of the Living Dead and a rude awakening will follow on as I do my usual 2 minute sprint to catch the train at the 55th second and end up panting , breathless with a dry throat in the autummy cold....
Today, I didn’t care when I was being callous with my conversation to the Old Boy and his polygamous way and he must be hurt. I even told him I didn’t care when he said something to me and said he found a picture that represented himself for me. I felt that I didn't have energy to be mentally alert and tenacious to anyone's feelings. As usual, he let me get away with it. Who am I to judge right but I was mildly disturbed today by everything. I couldn’t take his sexual innuendos or his light-heartedness about lovers and even words. “Flak”- he taught me a new word today and he said something along the lines that I was fond of flaking him.
I am disturbed.
Not in my usual frail nerves, melancholic, depressed, emotionally pained or suicidal way.
So many “I”s today.
I have my earplugs on at the moment. To shut me away from the world and my dullness.
I told Old Boy I can’t write him a letter today. Today, I just cannot do anything for anyone. He did mentioned I have been slacking.
The only spark of excitement came momentarily when I was on the phone with DL. In the morning, I had some inspiring ideas for us and related that to him. It was done on work time- me discussing plans that might well take off one day so that I could quit my day job. When I hung up (since I was on the phone for at least a good 15 minutes when I should really be mapping out teams), that spurt of positive energy was instantly sapped away again.
****
Yesterday, something struck me so hard while I got out of the bathroom during work that I was seized with an unnatural quickened of my heartbeat for a good 15 minutes. My heart was in pain.
The number hit me. I mean the number of affairs and flings I had behind DL’s back.
I felt sick. Because it only really dawned on me now was the feeling I got. Like a case of enlightenment or an onslaught of inspiration one gets suddenly or simply someone who has just snapped out of it.
Really.
I got back to my desk and immediately shared my sense of revelation online with the Old Boy.
****
The dosage has been maxed but I have been unmotivated with the gym combined with that dull spirit I feel at work.
I must have been burnt out from that long time ago excessive exercise and weight loss regime I had imposed on myself. I was half my size in a week.
Nothing is working.
My joints are still aching from Sunday’s session.
I don’t have it in me to succeed that way anymore.
There seems to be no quick fix. Actually there is. But I don’t think I could stomach the side effects again. Besides, it would cause too much inconvenience to my work.
By the way, someone in my office is bulimic. She pukes everyday. Today, I heard her.
I don’t know how people could do that. It seems like a perpetual hangover. I definitely couldn’t stomach that.
Time for me to work out seriously in the gym.
****
Another update.
Okay readers, it was my bad.
Minutes after I published “The Price of Honesty”, Nano came online.
I took the initiative to say hi again.
Later, while I was chatting with Old Boy online, Nano had buzzed me several times to get my attention. It made me feel better.
That night it was the best ever chatting session about politics, power, books and getting to know him on a slightly more personal level.
Then there were also other bits to the conversation.
Is it bad to fall for you?
I don’t know. I reckon I can make many people happy and I know how I could be of good value to others but I’m not sure if many of these people could give me back the same and make me happy.
Wow.
I don’t mean it as an egotistical statement. I recognise my strengths and therein lay my good value. But I guess I am emotionally disturbed and that is my great weakness.
OK. I WON’T FALL FOR YOU THEN. :)
Yeah, guess friends last longer than lovers.
I’m suffering from dull spirits during the whole of today. I think it has something to do with me talking about my discontentment at work to the sibling last night. I suspect I’m the sort who operates better if I don’t talk about my problems because it gets magnified when it happens. Today, I was really down.
I wasn’t thinking about it even but like a slow lethal weapon, it had insidiously spread into my entire being and coloured my mood into a few shades darker. I don't know why.
Right from the morning, I felt that I must have got up at the wrong side of the bed or maybe it has something to do with my unrested sleeps- me being assualted by a million dreams nightly. This is to the point that when I drag myself to wake up, I often exude the disposition of the Living Dead and a rude awakening will follow on as I do my usual 2 minute sprint to catch the train at the 55th second and end up panting , breathless with a dry throat in the autummy cold....
Today, I didn’t care when I was being callous with my conversation to the Old Boy and his polygamous way and he must be hurt. I even told him I didn’t care when he said something to me and said he found a picture that represented himself for me. I felt that I didn't have energy to be mentally alert and tenacious to anyone's feelings. As usual, he let me get away with it. Who am I to judge right but I was mildly disturbed today by everything. I couldn’t take his sexual innuendos or his light-heartedness about lovers and even words. “Flak”- he taught me a new word today and he said something along the lines that I was fond of flaking him.
I am disturbed.
Not in my usual frail nerves, melancholic, depressed, emotionally pained or suicidal way.
So many “I”s today.
I have my earplugs on at the moment. To shut me away from the world and my dullness.
I told Old Boy I can’t write him a letter today. Today, I just cannot do anything for anyone. He did mentioned I have been slacking.
The only spark of excitement came momentarily when I was on the phone with DL. In the morning, I had some inspiring ideas for us and related that to him. It was done on work time- me discussing plans that might well take off one day so that I could quit my day job. When I hung up (since I was on the phone for at least a good 15 minutes when I should really be mapping out teams), that spurt of positive energy was instantly sapped away again.
****
Yesterday, something struck me so hard while I got out of the bathroom during work that I was seized with an unnatural quickened of my heartbeat for a good 15 minutes. My heart was in pain.
The number hit me. I mean the number of affairs and flings I had behind DL’s back.
I felt sick. Because it only really dawned on me now was the feeling I got. Like a case of enlightenment or an onslaught of inspiration one gets suddenly or simply someone who has just snapped out of it.
Really.
I got back to my desk and immediately shared my sense of revelation online with the Old Boy.
****
The dosage has been maxed but I have been unmotivated with the gym combined with that dull spirit I feel at work.
I must have been burnt out from that long time ago excessive exercise and weight loss regime I had imposed on myself. I was half my size in a week.
Nothing is working.
My joints are still aching from Sunday’s session.
I don’t have it in me to succeed that way anymore.
There seems to be no quick fix. Actually there is. But I don’t think I could stomach the side effects again. Besides, it would cause too much inconvenience to my work.
By the way, someone in my office is bulimic. She pukes everyday. Today, I heard her.
I don’t know how people could do that. It seems like a perpetual hangover. I definitely couldn’t stomach that.
Time for me to work out seriously in the gym.
****
Another update.
Okay readers, it was my bad.
Minutes after I published “The Price of Honesty”, Nano came online.
I took the initiative to say hi again.
Later, while I was chatting with Old Boy online, Nano had buzzed me several times to get my attention. It made me feel better.
That night it was the best ever chatting session about politics, power, books and getting to know him on a slightly more personal level.
Then there were also other bits to the conversation.
Is it bad to fall for you?
I don’t know. I reckon I can make many people happy and I know how I could be of good value to others but I’m not sure if many of these people could give me back the same and make me happy.
Wow.
I don’t mean it as an egotistical statement. I recognise my strengths and therein lay my good value. But I guess I am emotionally disturbed and that is my great weakness.
OK. I WON’T FALL FOR YOU THEN. :)
Yeah, guess friends last longer than lovers.
