Restructure- on your own terms

The Lack of Face

Yesterday, he unsettled me with his two cents' worth as an alpha male. We were on the topic of my promiscuity and how I was downgrading "market value" with Nano.

First, he started the rule on no Nano talk (which I had earlier attribute to jealousy). But then he started suggesting that I should talk about it since I was dying to offload my Nano story with somebody so why not just say it. In reality, I had no desire to go there with him as the last thing I needed was for him to give me yet another cold shoulder or get into yet another online warfare. We have been squabbling and antagonistic to each other of late. It's been a while since we were in amicable sync and I noticed we have been slack (my fault mostly) with writing to each other and having endless hours of banter since we took turns being depressed.

Then he went on to make a bet that I would sleep with Nano. He taunted me and went further to say that he would buy my flight to Manila for a week and see what happens. And I retaliated and said how about buying my flight from Sydney to Manila and oh by the way, Nano is coming to visit in September and he is staying at my house. He fanned it even harder and asked if I was going to inform DL about it. That piqued me further as I felt he was questioning my integrity and threatening to tell on me. I went on and punched the words back in his face that yes and in fact, I would introduce the two guys as DL makes very frequent trips to come stay with me these days!

There were other instances where he said rather harsh and hurtful things about me being all that fun and willing and he was sure both Ted and Nano would like to do me together.Also to wind it up, he mentioned in the likes of how like the rest of the guys, he just wanted to do me like the way he would treat his other non-wife material-just- for-fuck-women. His tone sounded demeaning. And I went yeah, yeah, yeah and how about him doing me and cumming on my face like how the Big Boy suggested doing to me. And I thought someone thought that it was BB's lack of respect for woman and me!

Usually, I would fuel up and take the hard knocks well and serve back an equally vicious blow. Ten times harder but I felt weak there and then. In fact, I felt like tears were about to swell up my eyes and my heart was hurting. Then a sense of claustrophobia overcame me once more and I felt my heart suffocate and told him I was going to get away from my desk for a wander because he has greatly upset me.

Then he softened and asked why.

I said I don't know- I kind of viewed them both collectively to the point that sometimes when I talk to one, I mistake one for the other as I address them. That stream of consciousness talking to them is similar. I don't know anymore and I couldn't possibly give myself to both and I couldn't quite give myself to either one as well. It was weird.

Why are you feeling this way? But we haven't even met...

Then it dawned on me really hard that indeed, we hadn't.

He has existed and forms an intrinsic part of my daily life for quite a while now, perhaps the closest person to whom I communicate deeply everyday that I have forgotten to place significance on this unseen fact. Our constant interaction has since stood the time of most of my relationships that I have ever been in.I almost think I know his face as he would with mine. In fact, I am quite sure we would spot each other in a crowd quite instinctively.

He remains such a constant companion in my life like a habit so much so that I have up till yesterday lose that "awareness" of us not having met. Somewhere along the way, the curiosity has insiduously transformed to a level of comfort that I no longer hold great anticipation, hurry or anxiety to meet the mysterious man who shares many of my much guarded secrets.