Monday, June 24, 2013
Shadowplay of Affections
I must be growing older...
******
Despite my inclination to infatuations, heartaches, pain and nostalgia in my past life, I wasn't one who was much of a touchy feely person in the affectionate way. Rather, I was more sexual than sensual.
Ironically, I am always trying to recapture the sweet, lyrical high school sweetheart experience that has been lost in time and despite so, I am not one who truly do cuddles well in bed or the couple thing of snuggling up on the couch with a loved one. Enjoying a shower with anyone was definitely not something I enjoy although I do recall an isolated incident where DL and I first got together. He helped me wash my hair and as he pushed my wet hair and fringe from my forehead carefully towards the back of my head, he smiled kindly at me said that I was such a baby and he would love to take care of me and do that for me for the rest of our lives. I was such a precious baby princess to him and that look of love he had for me did stay in our joint lives for so many years on and every so often, I still catch that glimpse in his look when I hang out at his place and in my childish and quirky way, I would continue to be still at ease with him by making myself a caricuture of some unknown character-making funny faces, singing terribly and dancing in a shameless and disgusting way reserved for the company of someone familiar, like my own siblings and parents (because I can truly be in my own world relaxed and crank up on my impulsion to be that quirky me that very much made me an oddball in my parents' and siblings' eyes since I was a child). He would look on amused and I sometimes catch that same glimpse of familiar affection in his eyes, only he is quick to re-compose himself and dismiss my idiosyncracies...
For the most part, I like having my own quiet time surrounded by my own private thoughts and to be generally left alone but expected to be paid attention on demand.
In my errant past, I have crossed paths with a few guys who were sweet and sensual- they loved giving me the warm cuddles in bed where they wrapped their arms around me so tight like they never wanted me out of their sight, rubbed noses with me softly and kissed me with such moist, sweet and sensually delightful kisses like I was the only one that counted at that moment- their lives revolved around me and existed there and then to only serve and please me. Their gestures in those moments touched me. At times,I wish I could simply fall in love with them carelessly, except I am a cynic and pragmatist with that niggling voice cautioning me in my head that I needed to know where my loyalty lie and to continue on with the course of the life I have set for myself...
******
Lately, I have been thinking. I am now single. What harm is it for me to throw some caution to the wind and try for once to indulge in some affection and loving?
Besides, I am too old to get my heart broken.
******
Despite my inclination to infatuations, heartaches, pain and nostalgia in my past life, I wasn't one who was much of a touchy feely person in the affectionate way. Rather, I was more sexual than sensual.
Ironically, I am always trying to recapture the sweet, lyrical high school sweetheart experience that has been lost in time and despite so, I am not one who truly do cuddles well in bed or the couple thing of snuggling up on the couch with a loved one. Enjoying a shower with anyone was definitely not something I enjoy although I do recall an isolated incident where DL and I first got together. He helped me wash my hair and as he pushed my wet hair and fringe from my forehead carefully towards the back of my head, he smiled kindly at me said that I was such a baby and he would love to take care of me and do that for me for the rest of our lives. I was such a precious baby princess to him and that look of love he had for me did stay in our joint lives for so many years on and every so often, I still catch that glimpse in his look when I hang out at his place and in my childish and quirky way, I would continue to be still at ease with him by making myself a caricuture of some unknown character-making funny faces, singing terribly and dancing in a shameless and disgusting way reserved for the company of someone familiar, like my own siblings and parents (because I can truly be in my own world relaxed and crank up on my impulsion to be that quirky me that very much made me an oddball in my parents' and siblings' eyes since I was a child). He would look on amused and I sometimes catch that same glimpse of familiar affection in his eyes, only he is quick to re-compose himself and dismiss my idiosyncracies...
For the most part, I like having my own quiet time surrounded by my own private thoughts and to be generally left alone but expected to be paid attention on demand.
In my errant past, I have crossed paths with a few guys who were sweet and sensual- they loved giving me the warm cuddles in bed where they wrapped their arms around me so tight like they never wanted me out of their sight, rubbed noses with me softly and kissed me with such moist, sweet and sensually delightful kisses like I was the only one that counted at that moment- their lives revolved around me and existed there and then to only serve and please me. Their gestures in those moments touched me. At times,I wish I could simply fall in love with them carelessly, except I am a cynic and pragmatist with that niggling voice cautioning me in my head that I needed to know where my loyalty lie and to continue on with the course of the life I have set for myself...
******
Lately, I have been thinking. I am now single. What harm is it for me to throw some caution to the wind and try for once to indulge in some affection and loving?
Besides, I am too old to get my heart broken.
