Monday, January 28, 2008
I swear...
one more squeeze of pain I experience in my heart, I might really just lose it.
I hate the suffering of heart palpitations.
My nerves hang frail in limbo.
My restlessness scares me.
Maybe that's why I love to extend and exhaust myself during Social Season so I have little time to think or fall.
*****
That Friday evening when I laid in bed next to the Old Boy restless, I thought I was about to lose it. He turned to look at me.
I was frowning and my tears were breaming in my eyes.
"You know I have a problem right?"
He nodded.
He climbed on top of me and hugged me tight.
He knew it was about DL.
"Have you ever sometimes wake up wishing that you never have to wake up?"
He nodded his head.
"Why?"
"Because..."
"Because of what you are doing to your wife?"
He nodded sadly.
"You know Sweetheart, we always think that we will never find The One again after a break up..."
"But it's true. That's why you are the way you are now. You never found that true love..."
"It's not true, sweetheart..."
I was tearing. He buried his face in the pillow.
*****
I remember that sensation when I went under the knife twice six and seven years or so ago. The general anesthesia gradually got the better of me and I was slowly drifting into that deep sound slumber. For the first time in a long while, I had no dreams and a rested sleep. It was a great floating feeling.I wished I never had to be awakened because like life, I always have to wake up to a(n undesired) reality or an aftermath...
Those doses of anesthesia were pure bliss...
*****
Today I got hit again by that heart squeeze.
I couldn't make my ability to rationalise work properly. Of late, I was able to cope better but today, I cannot make it function the way I like.
Right now, I can't even answer my own "why am I feeling this way" question. Neither would I allow myself to dwell too deeply in it either.
My entire afternoon got ruined by Someone and I can't even put my finger on the specifics on which part of the conversation didn't go too well for me.
*****
Oh Koran, I think I need you. Perhaps you could recommend me the best of your magic pills to send me straight out to that Outer Space you seemed so happy to get lost in at Berkeley?
one more squeeze of pain I experience in my heart, I might really just lose it.
I hate the suffering of heart palpitations.
My nerves hang frail in limbo.
My restlessness scares me.
Maybe that's why I love to extend and exhaust myself during Social Season so I have little time to think or fall.
*****
That Friday evening when I laid in bed next to the Old Boy restless, I thought I was about to lose it. He turned to look at me.
I was frowning and my tears were breaming in my eyes.
"You know I have a problem right?"
He nodded.
He climbed on top of me and hugged me tight.
He knew it was about DL.
"Have you ever sometimes wake up wishing that you never have to wake up?"
He nodded his head.
"Why?"
"Because..."
"Because of what you are doing to your wife?"
He nodded sadly.
"You know Sweetheart, we always think that we will never find The One again after a break up..."
"But it's true. That's why you are the way you are now. You never found that true love..."
"It's not true, sweetheart..."
I was tearing. He buried his face in the pillow.
*****
I remember that sensation when I went under the knife twice six and seven years or so ago. The general anesthesia gradually got the better of me and I was slowly drifting into that deep sound slumber. For the first time in a long while, I had no dreams and a rested sleep. It was a great floating feeling.I wished I never had to be awakened because like life, I always have to wake up to a(n undesired) reality or an aftermath...
Those doses of anesthesia were pure bliss...
*****
Today I got hit again by that heart squeeze.
I couldn't make my ability to rationalise work properly. Of late, I was able to cope better but today, I cannot make it function the way I like.
Right now, I can't even answer my own "why am I feeling this way" question. Neither would I allow myself to dwell too deeply in it either.
My entire afternoon got ruined by Someone and I can't even put my finger on the specifics on which part of the conversation didn't go too well for me.
*****
Oh Koran, I think I need you. Perhaps you could recommend me the best of your magic pills to send me straight out to that Outer Space you seemed so happy to get lost in at Berkeley?
