Friday, January 18, 2008
Highlights of the Week
TGIF! Finally,I made it home from work in one piece. This is the first time after weeks of partying, excitement and restlessness that I am glad to have time to my knackered self. For once, I am not looking forward to yet another Whisky Friday night. I have been bursting with ideas to blog about my trip back to Singapore and have secretly taken toilet breaks at work to afford myself some staring-into-space and getting inspired "quiet" time sitting on the toilet bowl with no more crap to poop or pee.
Before I start, let me just first of all proffer you readers, fellow bloggers, friends and voyeurs my Favourite Quote of the Week:
"Everyone feels that others are responsible for their misery. The husband thinks the wife is responsible for their misery, the wife thinks the husband is responsible for her misery, the children think the parents for their misery, the parents think the children are responsible for their misery. It has become such a complexity. And whenever somebody else is responsible for your misery, you are not aware that by giving the responsibility away, you are losing your freedom. Responsibility and freedom are two sides of the same coin."
- "Joy: The Happiness That Comes from Within", Osho
*****
So yeah, I started the week being miserable, thanks to the Old Boy.
I meditated on that feeling for a bit and started to question myself why. I followed my train of emotions and thoughts and began seeing clearer the root of my misery.
It was still ultimately my Ego. You see, because I knew I gave in to him a lot and my Ego has already cautioned that I was acting "below" me, I still went ahead and overlooked his abuses about my cheating and his using the money matter against me. I finally became piqued and badly bruised only when after I felt betrayed, having suffered his verbal abuses and whinges, took the humble pie, kissed and made up on sms and then he turned and dealt me a hard one that he had spent his last night with the mistress. It was within my expectations but the fact that he had the cheek to lead me on with that sms that after he dropped me off with my friends that night, he realised that he could have booked us a hotel for us to spend the last night together since serendipitously, it was the first time in 2 years that the lady of the house also happened to be away. That mere intention of leading me on after all my "sorry, sorry for what I have done, Old boy and I am a bad gal" and I got one served back hard at me. And that wasn't all-he had the audacity to say we are "even" i.e. he kept scores when I haven't even started with mine about the money! So you see, I was in pain, perhaps worst than the bruising Jekyll & Hyde did to me some 10 months ago because Old Boy has always been a really close friend and his pettiness was something beyond my comprehension. I thought our friendship and relationship would have gone beyond that. The fact about him using money on me to start with was already something beyond my realm of understanding in my book of virtue on how I conduct myself in life and how I could have bring myself to perceive him i.e. sugar daddy/ milking cow. He reminded me of my mum- I really think there are some things one should never say no matter how angry unless one absolutely means it but not say it out of spite. If done so, one should be prepared that bridges would be burnt. The weight one could carry in words,for example, "break up".
More so, I hate people who "cry wolf". I've grown up with people who cried wolf a lot. The first was my mother- she always verbally abuses you in a fit of her short temper and then she becomes all guilty and endearing for awhile before she starts her nonsense all over again. Then, DL did quite a fair bit of that at the onset of our relationship and got all confronting and upset for the littlelest compliments I made of other men. So he got all whingey and confrontational at the start which didn't suit my temperament very well either. I laid my cards on the table, put my foot down, point got taken and graciousness got restored. (I do miss our relationship and mutual understanding that way).
In life, I realised that I could stand injustice done on me more than I could ever tolerate possessiveness and one making a mountain out of the molehill, only to turn back and go "Ok, I've calmed down and I take back what I have just said." That is so not cool!
Yeah and so I wallowed in misery and heartache post the msn and sms debacle with the Old Boy. Little by little with time, I became aware and realised that it was my Ego of feeling short-changed despite my "humility" with him that affronted me post his confession. I began to see the light and slowly, I freed myself of that pain and hurt and didn't hang on so much to the anger anymore. It wasn't even about forgiveness; it was simply I didn't want to be attached to that grudge anymore. Besides, I couldn't stand being mad at him for too long- he has always been a very close friend, almost like a brother.
I was beginning to feel emancipated...
P.S: Just for a laugh Old Boy, you might be quite "thrilled" to know that the travel agent has charged me twice for the Manila airfare and before I took a good look at my credit card bill, I paid for it. :D
****
Summary Highlights of the Week:
1) As I was losing it with the Old Boy on Monday, Nano unexpectedly came back into my life online and played the Old Boy's role in listening to my whinge about him in the past. We exchanged tales of hook ups during the holiday season, him apologising many times about how sorry he was to me (some boring stories there so don't want to go into detail), kept me company online and on sms since the afternoon at work until I was exhausted with mourning about the Old Boy late into the night.
"How could anyone cheat on you P?"
"That was within expectations Nano. I am more upset that he said all those hurtful things about money to me and then tried to give me the false idea of how we could have spent the last night together when he had the intention to spend it with his mistress.And to top it up, still had the cheek to cram my style and victimise himself about it..."
Nano's most recent hook up is a pure Chinese girl and confessed she wasn't as great as me. He told me he has been noticing and being attracted more to Chinese girls since we got hooked up last August like I left a legacy behind.
" Am so hard rite now. Don't know what Chinese powers you have but damn it's so strong."
"Are you sadist or something? I am pouring my woes to you!"
" Nope. Memories dear."
He mentioned a possible trip to visit me in Sydney. I could stay with him.
We talked a bit about his previous lacklustre attitude towards me.
"Am just fucked up. One day we shall meet and see if is meant to be."
We'll see. Not holding my breath for anyone at the moment. Nano can do the chasing if he wants. I am done with attachments to an idea, especially one filled with hopes and possibilities.
I quite fancy tasting freedom for the first time.
****
2) Koran and I are like birds of feathers in the free-spirited non-committal sense. To begin with, I have always find it hard to inspire jealousy or possessive out of myself over other people or for boyfriends. Koran and I had exactly that same kind of relationship. No tears, no fuss, non-committal.No strings attached. Thank him for that!
I gave this "Modern Muslim" (in his words and one who drinks, smokes, fucks and take drugs) the worst fuck ever (since I was constantly overshadowed by the thought and attachment for the Old Boy and for the most part, it was the time of the morning where my eyes were half closed) and confessed that he marred my "good" record. We laughed a lot during the sessions (attempted, aborted, attempted until we gave up and over-abused the condom, the dick and my mouth)like two giggling high school kids. I showed him pictures that I honed from ten years ago of his high school friends as my social path has crossed with him from almost 14 years back. He even knew my first two ex-boyfriends of other schools from eons ago from the tea dance days and I am surprised for some strange reason that we didn't meet till recently even though we operated within the same social circle up till our Mambo Night days some 10 years ago. We talked about our callousness towards relationships with the coming of age, our dark years living abroad and it was nice.
He was thoughtful during our outings, very much a fun boy and is very much the type of guy who knows the right people in town to get us VIP access into places. A good host he is as I am a good hostess, we did have great outings and good enough conversations. I found my intellectual match in him- he surpassed me in memory and mental sums even when we were tipsy. I guess it helps if you have been born to be a intellectually gifted child as I later found out from his peers. So yeah-he had the IQ and the EQ.
Basically, he was great whilst it lasted shortly. I didn't expect to hear from him after I returned but last night he obliged me with a long message since I was "how sweet" (as he put it in his sarcastic humorous way) anti-climaxed by a "yawn" at the end of his sentence. Am not expecting another one from him but guess if it does, it's a nice surprise. He did made a great friend and the camaraderie was definitely there during our outings.
More about him another time in a separate post.
The last words of his message read like this, "nonetheless i'll remember wat we shared cos watever way our stories end, u've rewritten mine by being my fren."
Yeah, so that is just pleasantly nice.
*****
3) Last night, I met a very avid blog reader of mine. He told me that he wanted to sever any online communications with me because I broke his heart. The final straw came when he greeted me hi and I told him that I was not in the mood to talk. If he wanted any updates, please check my blog entry in the night. You see, his online greeting was untimely. I just got dropped the bombshell by the Old Boy and was just about to lose control of my emotions.
For a moment, I felt he was a bit melodramatic like the Old Boy who had too threatened a number of times to cut me off for good before we met. And take heed, I love to watch dramas but I don't fancy being caught up in one, especially if it was used as a threat or plea for attention. This week, I thought life was spinning out of control in the least expected of ways, especially when I just touched down in Sydney for the first time in 2008 and am trying to get myself settled into the swing of things at work.
He said he felt sorry for himself because he has been so affected by my entries and it made him cynical of relationships and love. He doesn't even know my real identity... What about DL, he asked? The man who would die for me? He chided that I should have known better what sort of an emotional fix I would have got myself into and still I did and it broke his heart that I was doing this to myself and being involved with all these guys.
Hey, you know who you are. Like I said, our circumstances in life are different so don't take my life stories too seriously and perceive that as the life of the proletariat(your word I am borrowing;) ). I don't say that to suggest that I am special but that, our current circumstances are moulded by our past experiences and the environments that we grow up or operate in. This mental attachment you have for me and my stories can only seek to disturb you or make you dwell in misery since you are very much an intense heavy-thinking type of guy. You can only relate so much emotionally with me but remember, our circumstances in life are probably very different. So take care of your emotional health there.
Self-pity is a counter-productive emotion.
You know where to find me online and I know exactly where to find you in reel and real life. So look me up then when you are ready to get out of your retreat, my dear friend :)
*****
4)On my way home from work just now, I bumped into Dope. Yes, good old Dope and long-time readers of my blog would remember him as so 2006 of P's life. We had that more than a year long grey arrangement that drifted into oblivion. I hadn't seen him since 23rd December 2006 to be precise although he saw me on 23rd November 2007 at a restaurant and emailed me after.
I leaned against the railings and called out to him from the platform as he walked down the stairs. He was heading back to work.
He still looks the same. He even wore the same shirt and pants from that year. I was also in the same black suit that I wore during our rendezvous era.
Sounded strange when I called him by his first name. He's still good old Dope to me but guess we both had left it for too long and our moment had passed...
******
5)As a mapper in profession and in nature, I cannot help but notice things. I was about to stop at Story 4).
But it has come to my attention that Someone is trying to be very funny. I don't know if his Ego is playing tricks to his mind yet again or should my Ego not get the better of me and let this matter off...
It seems like this particular Someone has made a deliberate attempt to introduce someone to this shady alleyway of my life, called the blogsite and possibly reveal my identity. Apart from anonymous people who have chanced upon this site, there are only but a handful who know my real identity. And those handful has been sworn to secrecy and understand the privilege of first hand private knowledge.
I thought we held the thieves' honour and promised to keep my reel and real lives separate from your other private life?
YOU (and yes, you know who you are!) better give me a good explanation.
I am waiting.
TGIF! Finally,I made it home from work in one piece. This is the first time after weeks of partying, excitement and restlessness that I am glad to have time to my knackered self. For once, I am not looking forward to yet another Whisky Friday night. I have been bursting with ideas to blog about my trip back to Singapore and have secretly taken toilet breaks at work to afford myself some staring-into-space and getting inspired "quiet" time sitting on the toilet bowl with no more crap to poop or pee.
Before I start, let me just first of all proffer you readers, fellow bloggers, friends and voyeurs my Favourite Quote of the Week:
"Everyone feels that others are responsible for their misery. The husband thinks the wife is responsible for their misery, the wife thinks the husband is responsible for her misery, the children think the parents for their misery, the parents think the children are responsible for their misery. It has become such a complexity. And whenever somebody else is responsible for your misery, you are not aware that by giving the responsibility away, you are losing your freedom. Responsibility and freedom are two sides of the same coin."
- "Joy: The Happiness That Comes from Within", Osho
*****
So yeah, I started the week being miserable, thanks to the Old Boy.
I meditated on that feeling for a bit and started to question myself why. I followed my train of emotions and thoughts and began seeing clearer the root of my misery.
It was still ultimately my Ego. You see, because I knew I gave in to him a lot and my Ego has already cautioned that I was acting "below" me, I still went ahead and overlooked his abuses about my cheating and his using the money matter against me. I finally became piqued and badly bruised only when after I felt betrayed, having suffered his verbal abuses and whinges, took the humble pie, kissed and made up on sms and then he turned and dealt me a hard one that he had spent his last night with the mistress. It was within my expectations but the fact that he had the cheek to lead me on with that sms that after he dropped me off with my friends that night, he realised that he could have booked us a hotel for us to spend the last night together since serendipitously, it was the first time in 2 years that the lady of the house also happened to be away. That mere intention of leading me on after all my "sorry, sorry for what I have done, Old boy and I am a bad gal" and I got one served back hard at me. And that wasn't all-he had the audacity to say we are "even" i.e. he kept scores when I haven't even started with mine about the money! So you see, I was in pain, perhaps worst than the bruising Jekyll & Hyde did to me some 10 months ago because Old Boy has always been a really close friend and his pettiness was something beyond my comprehension. I thought our friendship and relationship would have gone beyond that. The fact about him using money on me to start with was already something beyond my realm of understanding in my book of virtue on how I conduct myself in life and how I could have bring myself to perceive him i.e. sugar daddy/ milking cow. He reminded me of my mum- I really think there are some things one should never say no matter how angry unless one absolutely means it but not say it out of spite. If done so, one should be prepared that bridges would be burnt. The weight one could carry in words,for example, "break up".
More so, I hate people who "cry wolf". I've grown up with people who cried wolf a lot. The first was my mother- she always verbally abuses you in a fit of her short temper and then she becomes all guilty and endearing for awhile before she starts her nonsense all over again. Then, DL did quite a fair bit of that at the onset of our relationship and got all confronting and upset for the littlelest compliments I made of other men. So he got all whingey and confrontational at the start which didn't suit my temperament very well either. I laid my cards on the table, put my foot down, point got taken and graciousness got restored. (I do miss our relationship and mutual understanding that way).
In life, I realised that I could stand injustice done on me more than I could ever tolerate possessiveness and one making a mountain out of the molehill, only to turn back and go "Ok, I've calmed down and I take back what I have just said." That is so not cool!
Yeah and so I wallowed in misery and heartache post the msn and sms debacle with the Old Boy. Little by little with time, I became aware and realised that it was my Ego of feeling short-changed despite my "humility" with him that affronted me post his confession. I began to see the light and slowly, I freed myself of that pain and hurt and didn't hang on so much to the anger anymore. It wasn't even about forgiveness; it was simply I didn't want to be attached to that grudge anymore. Besides, I couldn't stand being mad at him for too long- he has always been a very close friend, almost like a brother.
I was beginning to feel emancipated...
P.S: Just for a laugh Old Boy, you might be quite "thrilled" to know that the travel agent has charged me twice for the Manila airfare and before I took a good look at my credit card bill, I paid for it. :D
****
Summary Highlights of the Week:
1) As I was losing it with the Old Boy on Monday, Nano unexpectedly came back into my life online and played the Old Boy's role in listening to my whinge about him in the past. We exchanged tales of hook ups during the holiday season, him apologising many times about how sorry he was to me (some boring stories there so don't want to go into detail), kept me company online and on sms since the afternoon at work until I was exhausted with mourning about the Old Boy late into the night.
"How could anyone cheat on you P?"
"That was within expectations Nano. I am more upset that he said all those hurtful things about money to me and then tried to give me the false idea of how we could have spent the last night together when he had the intention to spend it with his mistress.And to top it up, still had the cheek to cram my style and victimise himself about it..."
Nano's most recent hook up is a pure Chinese girl and confessed she wasn't as great as me. He told me he has been noticing and being attracted more to Chinese girls since we got hooked up last August like I left a legacy behind.
" Am so hard rite now. Don't know what Chinese powers you have but damn it's so strong."
"Are you sadist or something? I am pouring my woes to you!"
" Nope. Memories dear."
He mentioned a possible trip to visit me in Sydney. I could stay with him.
We talked a bit about his previous lacklustre attitude towards me.
"Am just fucked up. One day we shall meet and see if is meant to be."
We'll see. Not holding my breath for anyone at the moment. Nano can do the chasing if he wants. I am done with attachments to an idea, especially one filled with hopes and possibilities.
I quite fancy tasting freedom for the first time.
****
2) Koran and I are like birds of feathers in the free-spirited non-committal sense. To begin with, I have always find it hard to inspire jealousy or possessive out of myself over other people or for boyfriends. Koran and I had exactly that same kind of relationship. No tears, no fuss, non-committal.No strings attached. Thank him for that!
I gave this "Modern Muslim" (in his words and one who drinks, smokes, fucks and take drugs) the worst fuck ever (since I was constantly overshadowed by the thought and attachment for the Old Boy and for the most part, it was the time of the morning where my eyes were half closed) and confessed that he marred my "good" record. We laughed a lot during the sessions (attempted, aborted, attempted until we gave up and over-abused the condom, the dick and my mouth)like two giggling high school kids. I showed him pictures that I honed from ten years ago of his high school friends as my social path has crossed with him from almost 14 years back. He even knew my first two ex-boyfriends of other schools from eons ago from the tea dance days and I am surprised for some strange reason that we didn't meet till recently even though we operated within the same social circle up till our Mambo Night days some 10 years ago. We talked about our callousness towards relationships with the coming of age, our dark years living abroad and it was nice.
He was thoughtful during our outings, very much a fun boy and is very much the type of guy who knows the right people in town to get us VIP access into places. A good host he is as I am a good hostess, we did have great outings and good enough conversations. I found my intellectual match in him- he surpassed me in memory and mental sums even when we were tipsy. I guess it helps if you have been born to be a intellectually gifted child as I later found out from his peers. So yeah-he had the IQ and the EQ.
Basically, he was great whilst it lasted shortly. I didn't expect to hear from him after I returned but last night he obliged me with a long message since I was "how sweet" (as he put it in his sarcastic humorous way) anti-climaxed by a "yawn" at the end of his sentence. Am not expecting another one from him but guess if it does, it's a nice surprise. He did made a great friend and the camaraderie was definitely there during our outings.
More about him another time in a separate post.
The last words of his message read like this, "nonetheless i'll remember wat we shared cos watever way our stories end, u've rewritten mine by being my fren."
Yeah, so that is just pleasantly nice.
*****
3) Last night, I met a very avid blog reader of mine. He told me that he wanted to sever any online communications with me because I broke his heart. The final straw came when he greeted me hi and I told him that I was not in the mood to talk. If he wanted any updates, please check my blog entry in the night. You see, his online greeting was untimely. I just got dropped the bombshell by the Old Boy and was just about to lose control of my emotions.
For a moment, I felt he was a bit melodramatic like the Old Boy who had too threatened a number of times to cut me off for good before we met. And take heed, I love to watch dramas but I don't fancy being caught up in one, especially if it was used as a threat or plea for attention. This week, I thought life was spinning out of control in the least expected of ways, especially when I just touched down in Sydney for the first time in 2008 and am trying to get myself settled into the swing of things at work.
He said he felt sorry for himself because he has been so affected by my entries and it made him cynical of relationships and love. He doesn't even know my real identity... What about DL, he asked? The man who would die for me? He chided that I should have known better what sort of an emotional fix I would have got myself into and still I did and it broke his heart that I was doing this to myself and being involved with all these guys.
Hey, you know who you are. Like I said, our circumstances in life are different so don't take my life stories too seriously and perceive that as the life of the proletariat(your word I am borrowing;) ). I don't say that to suggest that I am special but that, our current circumstances are moulded by our past experiences and the environments that we grow up or operate in. This mental attachment you have for me and my stories can only seek to disturb you or make you dwell in misery since you are very much an intense heavy-thinking type of guy. You can only relate so much emotionally with me but remember, our circumstances in life are probably very different. So take care of your emotional health there.
Self-pity is a counter-productive emotion.
You know where to find me online and I know exactly where to find you in reel and real life. So look me up then when you are ready to get out of your retreat, my dear friend :)
*****
4)On my way home from work just now, I bumped into Dope. Yes, good old Dope and long-time readers of my blog would remember him as so 2006 of P's life. We had that more than a year long grey arrangement that drifted into oblivion. I hadn't seen him since 23rd December 2006 to be precise although he saw me on 23rd November 2007 at a restaurant and emailed me after.
I leaned against the railings and called out to him from the platform as he walked down the stairs. He was heading back to work.
He still looks the same. He even wore the same shirt and pants from that year. I was also in the same black suit that I wore during our rendezvous era.
Sounded strange when I called him by his first name. He's still good old Dope to me but guess we both had left it for too long and our moment had passed...
******
5)As a mapper in profession and in nature, I cannot help but notice things. I was about to stop at Story 4).
But it has come to my attention that Someone is trying to be very funny. I don't know if his Ego is playing tricks to his mind yet again or should my Ego not get the better of me and let this matter off...
It seems like this particular Someone has made a deliberate attempt to introduce someone to this shady alleyway of my life, called the blogsite and possibly reveal my identity. Apart from anonymous people who have chanced upon this site, there are only but a handful who know my real identity. And those handful has been sworn to secrecy and understand the privilege of first hand private knowledge.
I thought we held the thieves' honour and promised to keep my reel and real lives separate from your other private life?
YOU (and yes, you know who you are!) better give me a good explanation.
I am waiting.
