Restructure- on your own terms

The Man Without a Plan

Since my previous trip back to Singapore before the last weekend, life has inevitably changed with the passing of the time. I was at a different place emotionally and spiritually and with work and DL dominating the theme of my existence, anything that is happening or not happening was conveniently tucked at the back of my mind and took second place.

It was just early last month, only eight weeks ago that I left Singapore before I returned again last weekend. On that Sunday that I left, I had said my goodbye to Dr. Jekyll & Hyde when I took a special trip to his place to see him for one last time.

When I got no reply after three attempts at sms-ing him in the first week when I was back, I told myself that this was it. At the back of my sentimental mind, I was wishing hope against hope that I would see him again. I had a plan to hasten my desire- I would spend an extra couple of hundred dollars and was to fly back for the weekend on my way back from my work trip in Hong Kong (alas, I finally made it there except M has left the place permanently ten days before I arrived). But let nature take its course. Do not over force the situation to make it happen. So I practiced my mind to suppress over the course of the eight weeks any strong anticipation for this trip lest I returned with that sad, disappointed and empty feeling that I have experienced one too a many time with people. Leading up to homecoming, I felt a sense of calmness (taking care not to let that thought of just seeing Dr. Jekyll & Hyde excite me too much as I know where my wildest and wandering imagination could lead me to hope) and instead, focused on being able to catch up with my best friends and party like crazy to celebrate our birthdays. Dr. Jekyll & Hyde must remain as a side dish at all costs.

This was my plan.

****

I arranged to meet Harry at St. James last Friday night. Partying is no fun without my good buddy from the old days of eleven years before I lived a few battered lives over in a span of the last seven years. Bring the boys, I texted. I hoped to see Dr. Jekyll & Hyde and rekindle that Velvet Night.

That afternoon, I was at my father’s office. I was still in a calm state, not seething with excitement to see Dr. Jekyll & Hyde. But nevertheless, I thought I should give him a call anyhow. After all, a big part of me did come back hoping to catch a glimpse of him. So I dialed the number.

It rang three times. But then someone stood next to me at the desk and wanted to use the scanner. So I hung up.

Five minutes later, Dr. Jekyll & Hyde returned the call. My father’s worker picked up and put him on hold, asking if I had called my friend, G.
I picked up the call.

“Hi G, this is P. How are you?”

“Good, good.”

“I am back for the weekend and am wondering if you might be free to go out tonight.”

“Wow. This week is a bit tight and I have to work tonight…”

“Ok…”

“Give, give, erhm…”

“Give Harry a call?”

“Yeah…”

“I have and we are going to St. James with him and his workmates. Join us if you can…”

“Ok, I’ll try. I’ll try to join you guys later if I can…”

“Yup. I better let you go. Talk later. Bye…”

“Bye…”

Ok, I have done my pitch, I told myself. I figured he wasn’t coming and decided to hold that attitude and put myself in that frame of mind.

Then I went about doing what I was doing.


****

That night, I met up with Harry.

Harry was a happy man. He has found love.

“Remember the girl I told you I met on my birthday at MOS the last time I bumped into you in Velvet?”

Harry’s eyes were beaming with excitement. I have never seen that in him.

“You guys have only been going out for two weeks though.” I cautioned.

“No, I feel it’s different this time. I have never met a girl on the same wavelength as me. Her humour… I want you to meet her tonight. She’s coming later…”

“Look at you and your face. Someone is falling in love…” I teased him. My tone was mushy.

I spotted that smirk on his face. He gave me the third finger.

We both laughed.

Harry has even re-considered his options of getting out of the navy. He had so wanted to do so the last we spoke eight weeks ago and all this while, fervently waiting to finish serving his bond so that he could perhaps get out into the private sector and get a job like Dr. Jekyll & Hyde. After all, Dr. Jekyll & Hyde got his first job as a tobacco professional through Harry when Harry did an internship at university and could not take up this position.

“I don’t know. The money is getting too good…”

I knew it has something to do with his new girl. She is a teacher.

The power of being in love and what it can do to someone. Harry has found his calling at this port and that wild boy in him is longing for the security and stability of his designated harbour.

And it was just eight weeks ago that he had a different mindset.

People must all move on, mustn’t they?

Harry never failed to remind me each time we meet up about the longest time I took to get over Mr. London (whom he went to school with and he deemed a loser). Mr. London is a rich brat.

I took eight years to get over that boy. (In Paris and I schemed for years to squeeze that money out of my savings to travel to that part of the year and find that excuse to visit him in London.)

Eight weeks on, even distracted, fun party boy Harry has a good plan figured out.

Harry is all set by his state of love.

****

Harry asked what would make my night as we partied on. I looked semi-dull in spirits.

I named my desire. I wanted to see Dr. Jekyll & Hyde.

Harry texted him.

P wants to see you;p~

Not free.

I pulled a face of mock sadness.

“Aww… you know he works at night right? He has to sell hard at night spots in his job…”

I shrugged my shoulders, hiding my real disappointment.

“Don’t worry. I expected it.” I resumed my usual mock smile.

Then we switched topics.

****

That night, Harry, his girlfriend Sara and myself sat by the bar in the crowded disco and we started reminiscing about our youth. Sara got an insight into the world before she came along.

She is a great girl- the most compatible person with Harry so far. I truly give them my blessings. She is a true and true female version of Harry and we made fast girly friends.

In the midst of our conversation, Harry pulled out his phone. He had six missed calls from Dr. Jekyll & Hyde.

We peered at the missed call ID and Sara hurried Harry to return his call.

“Hurry up, call back. This call is important!” Sara urged Harry and looked at me excitedly.

I smiled a little sheepishly, careful not to be bowed over by my own excitement.

“Hey bro, where are you?”

Harry mouthed Butter Factory at us girls. I signaled for him to ask him to come.

“Are you alright- you sound drunk!

Are you still coming? I’ll pass the phone to P.”


Harry shoved the phone to me. The club was noisy and crowded.

“Come!”

“Okay!” He answered frivolously. He sounded inebriated.

“Come!”

“Okay!”

I passed the phone back to Harry.

“Hey, I don’t think he would make it. He sounded drunk.”

Harry’s face was apprehensive as he broke the news to me.

I smiled to hide my disappointment. At the back of mind, I was half expecting it too. I was not to take Dr. Jekyll & Hyde too seriously I have prepped myself.

The three of us continued talking and reminiscing. For some moments, I did tugged him away at the furthermost end of my mind and was genuinely enjoying my company with all that catching up and watching the blissfulness of the two lovebirds. It made me happy to see my friends basking in that sense of happiness. In fact, I was semi envious.

Then Harry’s phone rang again minutes later and he picked up the call.

“Huh? You are on your way ah?” Harry eyed me smiling.

I beamed.

“Drink up, drink up!” Sara hurried me, playing up the mood.

I sucked on the straw placed in the jug of vodka cranberry. I figured I needed to sum up some Dutch Courage myself.

I didn’t think I would get a chance to see him.

****
I decided to head for the bathroom while waiting. Sara decided to come along. She held my hand and we pushed our way in the crowd.

We walked past the entrance and there entered Dr. Jekyll & Hyde.

I gave him a coy smile.

It must be a split second later that a slim girl in a white singlet tank top and jeans appeared on his side. I think she held his hand.

What the fuck? I thought to myself and was quick to re-compose myself.

Sara held my hand and continued to walk on, looking slightly horrified as she eyed me quickly and nodded like she knew what my question was. The girl stopped her when she noticed Sara.

“Hey!” She sounded a little tipsy.

“Hey, you’re also here ah!”

We continued walking and the slim girl followed us instead.

She had a few Caucasian male friends and Asian female friends standing behind her.

“Hey, I’m here because my boyfriend said some fat bitch wanted to see him…”

My eyes widened a little and so did Sara’s. I continued maintaining my cool. I was fast discounting Dr. Jekyll & Hyde in my mind. What the fuck and what is he trying to achieve here were the thoughts flashing through my head. I was wondering if he meant to humiliate me.

We reached the long queue at the bathroom.

The slim girl looked slightly hyper.

In her ultra fake accent and self-consciousness, she continued.

“I am usually a very nice person. I’m usually very nice but…oh my name is Sarah…”

She introduced herself to me.

“Hi Sarah. So you’ve got the same name as Sara.” I asked calmly while I maintained that smile.

“No, I am Sarah with the ‘h’.” She smiled at me in a nice friendly way.

I continued maintaining my smile.

“My name is P, by the way. Nice to meet you.” I smiled graciously and extended my hand.

Before she could continue ranting on, it was our turn to head into the cubicle. I pulled Harry’s Sara into the toilet with me.

“Ok, P calm down. This girl will be going home with him tonight. Don’t do anything.”


“I know. I just cannot believe it.”

Sara was just as bewildered as me.

“P, forget him. Although he’s Harry’s buddy and really a nice guy, but I must say he’s currently quite messed up emotionally. Stay away from him.”

“Yeah, debris that I need to chuck out right?”

I braved a smile and Sara probably detected the bravado.

“Forget him.”

*****

We got out and were back at the bar where Harry stood waiting.

Harry’s face was embarrassed and horrified. He looked apologetic.

I was quiet and then I tried to pull that mock smile on my face.

The mood became sombre while live Chinese band singing songs from the days of Beyond continued blasting away.

That moment all that was resonating in my ears were my pain and humiliation for being a “Fat bitch”. That “I” in me was suffering.

First the girlfriend was brought in to front me and then I was called fat.

Who else could have planted the idea of a fat bitch to his girlfriend, Sarah except for Dr. Jekyll & Hyde himself?

I almost felt like my best friend has sprung a surprise attack on me and I have all along mistook an Enemy for my best buddy.

I sat on the stool facing the bartender and Sara sat sideways facing me.

Harry then disappeared from our side.

At some stage, I turned my head and saw Harry a little distance away from us, his back facing us. He was talking to Dr. Jekyll & Hyde, his girlfriend and her friends. The whole gang was looking at me. Squashed in the crowd, Harry acted like a barricade with his tall frame and wide open arms barring them from forcing entry in our direction. I don’t know if they actually did want to force their way over anyhow. But it was definitely a tensed moment and I knew Harry was playing the role of the mediator.

At some stage, I thought Dr. Jekyll & Hyde stood behind me.

He whispered in my ear.

“Hi P.”

I ignored him.

Then he must’ve have disappeared.

When Harry was back, I asked him if Sarah now knew that I was that fat bitch of a girl her boyfriend came down to see.

Harry nodded.

A while later, Dr. Jekyll & Hyde must’ve came back.

“Hi P.” He whispered in my ear again.

The place was still noisy and crowded.

“Why aren’t you drinking. You don’t seem to be drinking a lot tonight…” He tried to sound light and jovial like nothing happened.

I cut him and fired up.

“I don’t appreciate your girlfriend calling me a fat bitch and you bringing her here. If you guys have issues, go settle in your own backyard. Don’t drag her here while I am around, I don’t need to know…”

“I am sorry if you think this way. I really came here on my own…”

“Then why is she here?!”

“She called me and then she asked me where I was and I bumped into her”

“You could have not come and changed courses then…”

He was getting defensive.

There was no cohesion in his defense.

“I am sorry if this is what you think but all I said was the truth. I really came here alone and it’s up to you to believe me…”

“Well, if you guys have issues, go sort that out the mess amongst yourselves, don’t get me involved here. You go settle your own mess here, don’t bring your girlfriend into the picture!”

I was firing up and so was he and we were both diverging away from our argument.

“It’s up to you whether you want to believe on what I said…” He walked off.

I looked away.

Sara and Harry appeared (or were they around all this while?).

They held my hand.

Harry apologized.

“P, I am truly sorry for what has happened. I feel like I am caught in a difficult situation. On one hand, G is my buddy and on the other, you are my good friend and I’ve known you for so long…”

“Harry, I am sorry that I put you in such a difficult situation and guys, I now wished he didn’t come because the three of us were really having a good time. Sorry that I ruined your night. I’m sorry…”

“No… please don’t be…please, that wasn't what I meant” Sara and Harry squeezed my hand tight.

Tears were brimming in my eyes. I sucked in my breath and pulled that mock smile.

“So Harry, tell me. Did you know that his girl was coming when he was on his way?”

Harry shook his head sadly.

I looked up and saw Dr. Jekyll & Hyde, his girlfriend and her gang at my 2 o’clock at a distance around the bar counter. They looked on in my direction. They must have noticed the tears despite that mock ironic sad smile on my face. I turned my face away.

“Come, let me take you home.” Harry took charge and both Harry and Sara held my hand and let me out of the bar.

Outside the bar, I let my tears flow freely.

I felt pained at the imperfection of the night, barring that egotistical “I” of feeling the humiliation of being deemed a fat person by Dr. Jekyll & Hyde.

I guess I could channel this energy into anger and contempt for him maybe I’ll get over him faster. But no, I cannot in my heart find that strength to do so.

****

“I am a fool to fly home for the weekend and wishing hope against hope to catch a glimpse of him. I am sorry I ruined our night. Guys, I am so sorry…”

“P, please don’t feel this way. I really feel bad for you. I didn’t know how to warn you. Although he’s my buddy, he’s quite messy and don’t waste your time…”

“Please don’t feel bad for me. He’s still your buddy. Going forward, when you get married, him and I will be there. We’ll still crossed paths again. Don’t feel stuck in an awkward position, I’ll get over him...”


****
Like V said, there is probably not a moment of lucidity in his mind.

What the fuck was he thinking? I asked myself too many times over even at the scene where this crazy act was being played out before me.

I have always been a strategist at any given situation.

I truly believed he came on his own.

But what was he trying to achieve by telling his girlfriend that a “fat” girl wanted to see him? To make her jealous at my expense or what? Or was it his way of appeasing her not to come because it was only a “fat” girl?

Could he not have said that he was coming to meet up with Harry?

He didn’t have to come that night after he had said he wasn’t free. No one (i.e. myself and Harry) pressed the point. He was the one who made the call.

What good would this situation do to his relationship with his girlfriend if they were trying to work things out? I could only imagine more quarrels along the way.

And the girl- why would a “fat” girl warrant her jealousy?

Didn't she think that it must take two hands to clap and shouldn’t she first question why her boyfriend would bother take the effort to come see the “fat” girl? Shouldn’t she see that as her boyfriend’s problem and not the other girl’s problem since he is responding to her advances?

When she shot her mouth about the “fat” bitch to Sara before my presence (a stranger), did it ever once occur that I could be that “fat” bitch that her boyfriend was seeing?

Or did she not think I was fat enough and in her mind, the idea of a fat person also equates to an unattractive looking person?

That night, my face was radiant and if ever one is to be so imprudent and using my cosmetic surgeon’s critical eye to judge, I must say this girl needed a lot of work on her face. Apart from being tall and slim, she has had such an imperfect and forgettable face. No defined face shape, smallish features and dark hair that seemed naturally wavy.

What was her reaction when she realized later that the girl she was friendly to was in fact the “fat” girl in question?

I looked radiant, V had earlier said to me that night at St. James. To blow my own horn, I always have a somewhat strikingly pretty face that turned heads. V called me aristocratic looking when we were 15. I think it has something to do with my fair complexion, sharp nose and long hair. Some people mistake me for a Japanese, others Eurasian.

Quietly, I wondered if that stumped her because she made no real attempt to come over and create a scene (as her earlier outburst before Sara and me would have suggested an open fire with her Opponent) although I knew she watched me from afar.

****

Actually, this is about Dr. Jekyll & Hyde and me. Not the girl, she just happened to be the not too clever victim herself.

This fiasco was brought about because of the way he handled the situation.

Did he have a plan or did he not?

What was he thinking or not thinking?

As a person who always pre-empts and manages crises on a daily existence, Dr Jekyll & Hyde’s actions fazed me.

Maybe that’s why his life was messy.

He once said that his ex-girlfriends all took him for granted. Shrieking responsibility.

Then I told him, “ You know right? It is because you allowed it.”

Like I allowed this Man without a Plan to unsettle me, which put me in an emotionally vulnerable position.


****

Going forward, the Man without a Plan has allowed me to formulate a new plan for my life.

I do need to go on my diet. I really must (although model-like good looks and shaped Windsor repeatedly told me last week that I am not fat and rich boy Nano is bent on shaping up before I returned to Manila in September to look good next to me; Nano called me hotlast night)as I am feeling a tad pudgy of late.

The first thing my father said when I got home last week was, “Girl, you look like you have gained three kilos.”

It starts becoming a serious matter when your Dad proposes you a weight loss programme.

The parting words from my parents at the airport were also, “The next time we see you, we would like to see you lose weight. Please!”

So Dr. Jekyll & Hyde’s girlfriend’s words (really courtesy of Dr. J&H) served as a double whammy.

I weighed myself today. Damn, I really have never been this heavy before.

Time to head back for the gym and get a personal trainer.

I am determined to look as close to perfection (as subjectively defined by my own standards of course) as one could get.

Watch me, I’ll be losing weight with a vengeance and will be back in September to take on the world and take him on.

Does that sound like a plan to you, Dr. Jekyll & Hyde? :p