Saturday, June 02, 2007
Finding Light
Have you ever have days where you think you are winning the day and then something hits you in one fell sweep and before you know it, your “high” takes a domino-style dive that fast escalates you into a dark and gloomy place?
If you haven’t, welcome to my world. I exist in that part of the world where I am constantly battling against the wave of grey emotions within this shady landscape of my life.
I was clearly doing great at work yesterday- I held my fort well and added value to the team.
Then I received that call from DL.
We started chatting and my mood took a dive.
I am too weary at this stage to talk about it again.
The mention of Fluffball’s tenth birthday this weekend was the first trigger of my pain and melancholy. No, the three of us were not to be spending time together. You see, we have some serious money issues.
Petrol is going up at $1.50 per litre, DL said. It reminded me of our poor struggling student days except I think it is worse since it has turned into a financial concern for us at both our current ages- one in late twenties, another in early thirties. I felt pathetic and I am not even a blue-collar worker. Then I checked my bank account and realised that I have only $6.70 to spend till the next payday two weeks away. I have not even paid my rent yet. Great!
I felt like shit because obviously yours truly here has not got a financial grip on her spending.
Then there were other expectations to return to the place where our joint abode is this weekend. A very close friend has just given birth and Gof, my male buddy was expecting me to go back to celebrate his birthday.
I have no money for presents and I am supposed to make a lot more money than my friends.
What hits me really was not being there for my dog. I must make a bad mother. My heart started aching and my emotions just went downhill.
*****
Later that night, while I was still hard at work at my desk, I bumped into Nano online.
I told him I was depressed.
“I happen to be in a good mood and am going to play my computer game. Ciao.”
Later on, he went on to pay me lip service when I logged off good night.
“Hope you will feel better. Good night.”
What ever happen to the finesse and affection he had for me the whole of last week till the start of the week?
It must have been that he had in the week met someone new during his after work happy hours and post his sms, after coming from a “high” with me on our online story telling game, which he wished was real. I went on to remind him that I have a boyfriend. When he got his senses back the next day, he smsed,"I’m sorry it (the story) has to end. I cannot have you in the flesh. 6 rounds. Good night.”
And I thought a friend in need is a friend indeed.
****
Late last night, DL and I talked again after he finished work past midnight.
It started off very amicably and lovey-dovey despite my disappointment that the weekend was not happening for us.
I have had a long week at work, working on rather sexy deals and have been dying to talk to someone i.e. the man of my life about it. I look to find someone whom I could share my thoughts about my work and passion with and vice versa.
DL was never the obvious choice- he could barely remember the name of my firm. But recently, he had learnt to take a greater interest as it has always been me pushing him on in finding his passion or a career path. With a man like him, I understand my role as a driver and motivator in his life, I couldn’t find an equal in him. At least, not just yet until he finds that niche for himself and then I could support and work alongside him and quit my day job. Again, my life would have to be built around him to seek that equality.
I started telling him about work.
“Darling, today I got an inspiration at work where I think I might just find the opportunity to value add myself to the team,” I talked excitedly.
I heard my own voice.
There was no response on his end. It was too delayed.
“Hey, I am talking you. Did you hear what I’ve just said?”
“Ahh…”
“Are you watching the telly?”
“Yeah. Baby, did you watch that news about that Italian comedian…”
“Yeah and someone in the crowd asked her if she farts right?”
“Yeah… my god, I can’t believe…”
“Hey, do you know that I was talking to you about something serious before…?
It was about my work and what’s happening on my end…”
“Yeah, I know. But after a hard day’s work, I sometimes just want to come back and relax and watch TV.”
“But do you realise that there are no other times I could catch you since by the time you finish work, I would already be in bed?
Can you see that I am trying to inform you about what’s happening in my life since every time I ask you about your work, you say it’s the same and nothing new or exciting is happening on your front?
Can you see that I am trying to help us come together as quickly as possible and to stay in sync?”
My voice was weary and it betrayed my suppressed tone of an impending breakdown. Tears were brimming my eyes.
I felt weak and helpless- like I couldn’t find the strength in me to care anymore.
Recently, my emotions have been poorly. The whole week I felt like the littlelest thing was enough to tip me over and I would be reduced to a bag of tears.
I have been running a one-man show for two far too long.
It must be wearing me down.
It was at the tip of my tongue to say those final words.
There was a long pause between us.
“Why don’t I let you continue watching TV? I better go.”
Then I hung up.
****
It is definitely the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I have had a big week with lots of exciting things happening on at work. I was bursting to confide in someone. By that I mean to feel that I could have a two-way communication with the man who is supposedly going to be my Designated Love because I envision spending many an exciting moment with that life partner- breathing, talking and getting excited about deals and things that we might one day jointly share passion with. That has been my intention to give him support for all that he wants to do in his life and work towards it, saving for that capital to break myself free from the shackles of the corporate world.
I thought for once, I could lend his support in the form of a listening ear.
Especially so last night- for some reason, towards the end of my day, I felt like if I was at home at that moment, I could let myself loose and bawl into my pillow.
But instead, I fought back my brimming tears, like how I always do it, except this time I didn’t have it in me to pull that mock smile to instil within myself a sense of confidence that I could cope with the world…
He was so lame.
What about me? I felt like asking. When did I ever get rest and put up my legs and take a backseat in this relationship?
I have tried so hard for us- do you know? Our relationship and my struggle has broken me apart a million pieces and I have to constantly pick myself up and have faith! All my positive talking to motivate you- do you know it has taken so much out of me? Do you know that I am no longer what you might know because somewhere along the way in my struggle to keep us together, the roads have diverged and I have taken other little excursions to take a breather from this long march?
Things you might never know…
****
At 7pm on a Friday night, I was the last second to leave the office. You see, I was entrusted with an important task that found me standing by the security bin shredding documents before things might potentially disfavour us.
A senior partner (there exist an undercurrent between him and us) eyed me from a distance forebodingly. As usual, he was observing me it seems with some dark thoughts in his head.
“Good night, P.” He shouted across from where he was.
“Good night, Y.”
I continued with my task.
He continued standing there for a good five seconds, staring at me, like he meant to say something.
I looked up in his direction and looked at him, with a half smile. He always has a way of staring at me in an attempt to intimidate.
Then he finally spoke in his confidential tone with a nod.
“Take care of yourself first.”
I knew what he was getting at.
“I will.” I replied light-heartedly.
Words of wisdom there- I am sure.
I figured I could do with applying it not only to my professional life but also, my emotional life.
Have you ever have days where you think you are winning the day and then something hits you in one fell sweep and before you know it, your “high” takes a domino-style dive that fast escalates you into a dark and gloomy place?
If you haven’t, welcome to my world. I exist in that part of the world where I am constantly battling against the wave of grey emotions within this shady landscape of my life.
I was clearly doing great at work yesterday- I held my fort well and added value to the team.
Then I received that call from DL.
We started chatting and my mood took a dive.
I am too weary at this stage to talk about it again.
The mention of Fluffball’s tenth birthday this weekend was the first trigger of my pain and melancholy. No, the three of us were not to be spending time together. You see, we have some serious money issues.
Petrol is going up at $1.50 per litre, DL said. It reminded me of our poor struggling student days except I think it is worse since it has turned into a financial concern for us at both our current ages- one in late twenties, another in early thirties. I felt pathetic and I am not even a blue-collar worker. Then I checked my bank account and realised that I have only $6.70 to spend till the next payday two weeks away. I have not even paid my rent yet. Great!
I felt like shit because obviously yours truly here has not got a financial grip on her spending.
Then there were other expectations to return to the place where our joint abode is this weekend. A very close friend has just given birth and Gof, my male buddy was expecting me to go back to celebrate his birthday.
I have no money for presents and I am supposed to make a lot more money than my friends.
What hits me really was not being there for my dog. I must make a bad mother. My heart started aching and my emotions just went downhill.
*****
Later that night, while I was still hard at work at my desk, I bumped into Nano online.
I told him I was depressed.
“I happen to be in a good mood and am going to play my computer game. Ciao.”
Later on, he went on to pay me lip service when I logged off good night.
“Hope you will feel better. Good night.”
What ever happen to the finesse and affection he had for me the whole of last week till the start of the week?
It must have been that he had in the week met someone new during his after work happy hours and post his sms, after coming from a “high” with me on our online story telling game, which he wished was real. I went on to remind him that I have a boyfriend. When he got his senses back the next day, he smsed,"I’m sorry it (the story) has to end. I cannot have you in the flesh. 6 rounds. Good night.”
And I thought a friend in need is a friend indeed.
****
Late last night, DL and I talked again after he finished work past midnight.
It started off very amicably and lovey-dovey despite my disappointment that the weekend was not happening for us.
I have had a long week at work, working on rather sexy deals and have been dying to talk to someone i.e. the man of my life about it. I look to find someone whom I could share my thoughts about my work and passion with and vice versa.
DL was never the obvious choice- he could barely remember the name of my firm. But recently, he had learnt to take a greater interest as it has always been me pushing him on in finding his passion or a career path. With a man like him, I understand my role as a driver and motivator in his life, I couldn’t find an equal in him. At least, not just yet until he finds that niche for himself and then I could support and work alongside him and quit my day job. Again, my life would have to be built around him to seek that equality.
I started telling him about work.
“Darling, today I got an inspiration at work where I think I might just find the opportunity to value add myself to the team,” I talked excitedly.
I heard my own voice.
There was no response on his end. It was too delayed.
“Hey, I am talking you. Did you hear what I’ve just said?”
“Ahh…”
“Are you watching the telly?”
“Yeah. Baby, did you watch that news about that Italian comedian…”
“Yeah and someone in the crowd asked her if she farts right?”
“Yeah… my god, I can’t believe…”
“Hey, do you know that I was talking to you about something serious before…?
It was about my work and what’s happening on my end…”
“Yeah, I know. But after a hard day’s work, I sometimes just want to come back and relax and watch TV.”
“But do you realise that there are no other times I could catch you since by the time you finish work, I would already be in bed?
Can you see that I am trying to inform you about what’s happening in my life since every time I ask you about your work, you say it’s the same and nothing new or exciting is happening on your front?
Can you see that I am trying to help us come together as quickly as possible and to stay in sync?”
My voice was weary and it betrayed my suppressed tone of an impending breakdown. Tears were brimming my eyes.
I felt weak and helpless- like I couldn’t find the strength in me to care anymore.
Recently, my emotions have been poorly. The whole week I felt like the littlelest thing was enough to tip me over and I would be reduced to a bag of tears.
I have been running a one-man show for two far too long.
It must be wearing me down.
It was at the tip of my tongue to say those final words.
There was a long pause between us.
“Why don’t I let you continue watching TV? I better go.”
Then I hung up.
****
It is definitely the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I have had a big week with lots of exciting things happening on at work. I was bursting to confide in someone. By that I mean to feel that I could have a two-way communication with the man who is supposedly going to be my Designated Love because I envision spending many an exciting moment with that life partner- breathing, talking and getting excited about deals and things that we might one day jointly share passion with. That has been my intention to give him support for all that he wants to do in his life and work towards it, saving for that capital to break myself free from the shackles of the corporate world.
I thought for once, I could lend his support in the form of a listening ear.
Especially so last night- for some reason, towards the end of my day, I felt like if I was at home at that moment, I could let myself loose and bawl into my pillow.
But instead, I fought back my brimming tears, like how I always do it, except this time I didn’t have it in me to pull that mock smile to instil within myself a sense of confidence that I could cope with the world…
He was so lame.
What about me? I felt like asking. When did I ever get rest and put up my legs and take a backseat in this relationship?
I have tried so hard for us- do you know? Our relationship and my struggle has broken me apart a million pieces and I have to constantly pick myself up and have faith! All my positive talking to motivate you- do you know it has taken so much out of me? Do you know that I am no longer what you might know because somewhere along the way in my struggle to keep us together, the roads have diverged and I have taken other little excursions to take a breather from this long march?
Things you might never know…
****
At 7pm on a Friday night, I was the last second to leave the office. You see, I was entrusted with an important task that found me standing by the security bin shredding documents before things might potentially disfavour us.
A senior partner (there exist an undercurrent between him and us) eyed me from a distance forebodingly. As usual, he was observing me it seems with some dark thoughts in his head.
“Good night, P.” He shouted across from where he was.
“Good night, Y.”
I continued with my task.
He continued standing there for a good five seconds, staring at me, like he meant to say something.
I looked up in his direction and looked at him, with a half smile. He always has a way of staring at me in an attempt to intimidate.
Then he finally spoke in his confidential tone with a nod.
“Take care of yourself first.”
I knew what he was getting at.
“I will.” I replied light-heartedly.
Words of wisdom there- I am sure.
I figured I could do with applying it not only to my professional life but also, my emotional life.
Comments:
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Oh doll. Frustrating, isn't it?
The only question that's been playing on my mind these days is: "What happens if I walk out?"
It's scary just entertaining the thought.
We could go on mapping and analysing the SWOT all year long but it boils down to the execution plan, dunnit now?
Do take care dear.
The only question that's been playing on my mind these days is: "What happens if I walk out?"
It's scary just entertaining the thought.
We could go on mapping and analysing the SWOT all year long but it boils down to the execution plan, dunnit now?
Do take care dear.
oh gosh.. story of my life too..
yeah.. i read this post.. and it is exactly what is happening too...
one man show for two...
he made promises to try and work hard for himself and the relationshop... but i guess the amount of work he committed to is unknown and miniscule that i can't feel it...
sighhh and i'm still in... just like you...
take care yah.. hope you'll find happiness
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yeah.. i read this post.. and it is exactly what is happening too...
one man show for two...
he made promises to try and work hard for himself and the relationshop... but i guess the amount of work he committed to is unknown and miniscule that i can't feel it...
sighhh and i'm still in... just like you...
take care yah.. hope you'll find happiness
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