Saturday, June 23, 2007
Final Answer
By my bedside in Singapore lay a picture frame with a photo that encapsulated fond memories of my sweet seventeen. That was a short period of my entire life where I could truly remember being happy and relatively carefree.
You see, I had great friends and was popular at school, shitloads of pocket money and a great boyfriend. What more could anyone ask for?
Ive was the first boyfriend I brought home to meet my parents. I thought he was eligible enough. He was charming, smart and good looking. But first off, we had great physical and intellectual chemistry. Up till today whenever DeeDee flies into Sydney and we spent some girlish nights at the Hilton reminscing about our happy youth, she would often say to me that, "Man, you guys made such a great pair back then!"
That picture of lovey dovey us and my "Alicia Silverstone" clique and their respective boyfriends (all exes except for one couple now married)stills sits nicely framed by my bedside.
*****
But one day, everything changed.
To cut the long story short, he met up with the ex-girlfriend again.
It was his 18th birthday and she proposed a meet up. He asked for my permission and I said yes. After all, I was never one to be possessive that way. I believe that if a man were to leave me, he would for any reason as he chooses, it needn't be a girl (although the men in my life often did and ironically defected back to the ex).
They must've have done something that I never found out.
He came back afterwards being a different guy, always difficult and then when I was patient, he would asked, "Why do you have to be so nice to me?"
Then one day, quite timely (and I had this nagging premonition for two days since he stopped calling) on my baby sister's eleventh birthday, Ive rang and dropped the bombshell on me. His reason was that he had to concentrate on his A-level studies and then there was the family financial crisis at home (they were facing bankruptcy) and his family thought the wiser not to spend so much time and money on dating.)
You see, I was also later to find out from my other "Alicia Silverstone-like" friends in my clique who also had HDB boyfriends that while us girls did our shopping and them first boyfriends' club guys tagged along obediently behind us carrying our merchandise, one of them remarked that "rich" girls like us were high maintenance. Ive agreed with them. It was a first for me because I never view him any differently from me or thought that he might have possibly perceived me as a "rich brat".
I never knew the whole extent of the truth that triggered the breakup. Maybe I never do.
****
Three years later, I was at Zouk and bumped into an acquaintaince, Marvin dancing intimately with a girl on the dancefloor. This guy had taken an interest in me before (although he had a girlfriend). I spotted him with Ive's ex-girlfriend before me. Her name is DS and coincidentally, she happened to be my primary school friend's relative.
I knew DS by face and also because she looked like her older sister from my high school. Ive had mentioned that they dated before he was with me. But it was the first time I met her in person.
Later, when the party was over, I bumped into the two outside and Marvin introduced us. I said hi and pretended not to know her because how was I going to explain myself right?
Then she turned and eyed me.
She said,"By the way, do you know someone by the name of Ive?"
"Yes. So how is he? Are you guys in touch?" I asked rather innocently.
"Oh, we're still together!"
"Oh..."
It felt like a tight slap across my face.
Realisation dawned upon me. I didn't even think about it. The missing puzzles started to fit together after three years...
Then there were also Ive's attempts at keeping in touch with some of my "Alicia Silverstone" friends shortly after the break-up where he offered sporadic information/hints about the mid-term break where he didn't go home for several nights. It was the week of his birthday where he met up with DS. I never knew that he didn't go home to sleep for nights and could now only wonder what happened thereafter....
Then I also recall in my final days with Ive where I was at his house. Our relationship was dwindling where he would blow hot and cold with me. Nothing I did to win him would appease him and it only seeks to add to his frustration with me. He altered between being tender post his tantrums with me and being difficult with me to extract my anger for him.He didn't seemed all that turned on by me physically too; it was all turning very cold from a 180 degrees switch from our usual fiery passion.
I should have caught on further hints of the possibilities of his infidelity but I didn't. I had asked his baby sister rather playfully one day at his house if his brother has ever brought another girl home except for me? I expected a no for an answer, mainly because I was so naive and truly believed so and also because I reckoned the sister would say no anyway to back the brother. She said yes- recently DS came and she brought him his birthday presents- they were towels and socks with his initials specially sewn on by her.(See, that's where I learnt in life-"ask no questions and you would be told no truth!") I didn't think very much since he did tell me about the meet up. DS was present when this discussion took place and he made it sound like it was she dropping by with the presents and they went out afterwards.
Then I became more concerned within myself that DS took trouble to labour over the embroidery of his name where as a totally undomesticated "pampered" brat, I could barely sew (pre my fashion days) and was hardly interested. Instead, I bought him what money could buy and conveniently got him a "Mighty Ducks" cap as he was into roller/ ice hockey then. I figured I must've not been a very caring girlfriend but didn't think that that was enough reason for him to stray away from me.
I guess I was too trusting or shall I say, too naive? I figured if one had no more interest in me, he would have had the courage (and honesty to his own feelings) to tell me so and move on to who he wants to be with.
I forgot to mention a packet of condoms I found under the bed. We were engaged in heavy intimacy but for some reason, I guarded my first time ever so fiercely so we never did it. But I reckon it was a matter of time that my carnal desire would get the better of me because Ive was a good lover and I was so physically attracted to him. We went to the funny condom shop at Lucky Plaza once where Ive bought me a condom wrapped in foil with the shape of a gold coin for a laugh (I might still have it around!). So I didn't think much of the condoms and reckon it was probably to prep ourselves should the occasion arise. We have always been a spontaneous couple and I still remember those fond days of our heavy petting sometimes topless in the the two storey Carousel at Clarke Quay and the dark open fields at Marina Bay,with the moonlight shining on my bare breasts as we lay on our backs on our mat or other naughty little schoolgirl public misadventures with Ive where we were still dressed in our school uniforms.
But now, in hindsight, having learn a thing or two about life, relationships and carnality, I am able to piece the puzzles together...
****
A year later after that incident at Zouk, I was studying in Australia. My old best friend, Bella attempted to make contact from Perth. She met Ive as she was dating his mate, Sam and the boys were training as pilots together. Sam (who also has a girlfriend back home) had confided in Ive about the new girl, Bella whom he was seeing. Ive asked if she has a good friend called P. Upon cross referencing,Ive realised that Sam's Bella was indeed my Bella! The world is small.
Bella confirmed that Ive was indeed still with DS. They were said to be committed and was set to get married. But silently, I wondered about the night where DS behaved intimately with Marvin. She whispered something in his ear when she eyed me initially and later on, they walked on, Marvin's arm around her shoulder, post delivering the news that only came 3 years too late to me, shattering my heart there and then...(why must I always get ditched by guys who get the person they leave me for to drop the real news wittingly or unwittingly? Cowards, they are!)
Ive then mentioned to Sam that he left me for a reason. He used the word in Mandarin "Gu Zhong" like he was placed in difficult position that compelled him to make that decision. Sam was sworn to secrecy and Bella got nothing out from him.
There was a suggestion of nostalgia on Ive've part when he recalled about our relationship to Sam. This was all Bella profferred from whatever scant information Sam would provide her.
So all I can make sense of the break up was that Ive had little choice but to make that decision to leave me...
This much I knew, 3.5 years post the break up....
*****
Today, I googled his name and was led to a blog site.
It was put up by DS, his current wife.
There are lots of happy photos of them in France where they are currently based.
Lots of baby photos.
Yes, they are proud parents of a chubby baby girl.
*****
Over the years after our break up, I do wonder about Ive.
Perhaps because I never ever got the real reason of our parting from the horse's mouth. There remained a lingering question mark.
I was in a happy place with him and then quite suddenly in one fell sweep, it swayed in the opposite direction and I was denied that happiness forever.
I hold very fond memories of Ive. I guess I'll always do despite the pain and confusion I suffered for a long while thereafter.
Somehow, the happiness still survives the most poignant and vivid of my memories for him and for us.
The rest of how I felt has grown blurry over the years, maybe it is a result of having led a few emotionally battered lives over the course of the years. Happy days are hard to come by so I hang on to what I have had and remember.
It must be a merciful relief that everything ended so quickly towards the end. Some tears but not too much fuss. I am almost glad the crime was committed on me.
Yous see, I suck at break ups- I mean, ditching someone. I don't really know how it works because I have always been at the receiving end of it, emotionally speaking. Either way, it must hurt but I guess I am never one to be first to utter those final words. I'd rather wait for it to befall on me first.
*****
I did often wondered if I could have been in the position of DS if she never re-entered his life. I used to tell him that our kids would turn out beautiful with both our features.
I did think Ive was marriage material for me and then I loved him with all my heart.I reckon he did too before she returned (I knew he had a soft spot for her but guess I didn't fully appreciate the extent until she came and put a test on him to face up to his own emotions). Then perhaps my life would have been really different from now, me contented to be a F16 fighter pilot's wife, perhaps have a government job, get married around 26 or 27, apply for a HDB flat (though I would have hated the idea) and then start having a kid before I turn 30. We would be a model PAP couple.
And then, there'll also be no Mr. London after him who played a vital role and continued to haunt my existence and shape my social ambitions for the following eight years and spillover to my current life...
Or my constant struggle to make things work with DL, or me still slightly aching over the missed bid of my swanky bachelorette apartment in that hip part of town and mainly toughing it all out financially on my own or... the list goes on...
I would live in that ignorant middle-class bliss of being in my comfortable coccoon, playing that supporting role to him. And who says it is a bad thing?
Guess there are some things and missing gaps accountable for towards the fast escalation of our break up that I'll never find out.
But today I was given the final answer that I needed to know.
Yes, he did return to DS.
And yes, she is that designated woman that he loves enough to desire having a family with.
This much I know and this is a good enough answer.
By my bedside in Singapore lay a picture frame with a photo that encapsulated fond memories of my sweet seventeen. That was a short period of my entire life where I could truly remember being happy and relatively carefree.
You see, I had great friends and was popular at school, shitloads of pocket money and a great boyfriend. What more could anyone ask for?
Ive was the first boyfriend I brought home to meet my parents. I thought he was eligible enough. He was charming, smart and good looking. But first off, we had great physical and intellectual chemistry. Up till today whenever DeeDee flies into Sydney and we spent some girlish nights at the Hilton reminscing about our happy youth, she would often say to me that, "Man, you guys made such a great pair back then!"
That picture of lovey dovey us and my "Alicia Silverstone" clique and their respective boyfriends (all exes except for one couple now married)stills sits nicely framed by my bedside.
*****
But one day, everything changed.
To cut the long story short, he met up with the ex-girlfriend again.
It was his 18th birthday and she proposed a meet up. He asked for my permission and I said yes. After all, I was never one to be possessive that way. I believe that if a man were to leave me, he would for any reason as he chooses, it needn't be a girl (although the men in my life often did and ironically defected back to the ex).
They must've have done something that I never found out.
He came back afterwards being a different guy, always difficult and then when I was patient, he would asked, "Why do you have to be so nice to me?"
Then one day, quite timely (and I had this nagging premonition for two days since he stopped calling) on my baby sister's eleventh birthday, Ive rang and dropped the bombshell on me. His reason was that he had to concentrate on his A-level studies and then there was the family financial crisis at home (they were facing bankruptcy) and his family thought the wiser not to spend so much time and money on dating.)
You see, I was also later to find out from my other "Alicia Silverstone-like" friends in my clique who also had HDB boyfriends that while us girls did our shopping and them first boyfriends' club guys tagged along obediently behind us carrying our merchandise, one of them remarked that "rich" girls like us were high maintenance. Ive agreed with them. It was a first for me because I never view him any differently from me or thought that he might have possibly perceived me as a "rich brat".
I never knew the whole extent of the truth that triggered the breakup. Maybe I never do.
****
Three years later, I was at Zouk and bumped into an acquaintaince, Marvin dancing intimately with a girl on the dancefloor. This guy had taken an interest in me before (although he had a girlfriend). I spotted him with Ive's ex-girlfriend before me. Her name is DS and coincidentally, she happened to be my primary school friend's relative.
I knew DS by face and also because she looked like her older sister from my high school. Ive had mentioned that they dated before he was with me. But it was the first time I met her in person.
Later, when the party was over, I bumped into the two outside and Marvin introduced us. I said hi and pretended not to know her because how was I going to explain myself right?
Then she turned and eyed me.
She said,"By the way, do you know someone by the name of Ive?"
"Yes. So how is he? Are you guys in touch?" I asked rather innocently.
"Oh, we're still together!"
"Oh..."
It felt like a tight slap across my face.
Realisation dawned upon me. I didn't even think about it. The missing puzzles started to fit together after three years...
Then there were also Ive's attempts at keeping in touch with some of my "Alicia Silverstone" friends shortly after the break-up where he offered sporadic information/hints about the mid-term break where he didn't go home for several nights. It was the week of his birthday where he met up with DS. I never knew that he didn't go home to sleep for nights and could now only wonder what happened thereafter....
Then I also recall in my final days with Ive where I was at his house. Our relationship was dwindling where he would blow hot and cold with me. Nothing I did to win him would appease him and it only seeks to add to his frustration with me. He altered between being tender post his tantrums with me and being difficult with me to extract my anger for him.He didn't seemed all that turned on by me physically too; it was all turning very cold from a 180 degrees switch from our usual fiery passion.
I should have caught on further hints of the possibilities of his infidelity but I didn't. I had asked his baby sister rather playfully one day at his house if his brother has ever brought another girl home except for me? I expected a no for an answer, mainly because I was so naive and truly believed so and also because I reckoned the sister would say no anyway to back the brother. She said yes- recently DS came and she brought him his birthday presents- they were towels and socks with his initials specially sewn on by her.(See, that's where I learnt in life-"ask no questions and you would be told no truth!") I didn't think very much since he did tell me about the meet up. DS was present when this discussion took place and he made it sound like it was she dropping by with the presents and they went out afterwards.
Then I became more concerned within myself that DS took trouble to labour over the embroidery of his name where as a totally undomesticated "pampered" brat, I could barely sew (pre my fashion days) and was hardly interested. Instead, I bought him what money could buy and conveniently got him a "Mighty Ducks" cap as he was into roller/ ice hockey then. I figured I must've not been a very caring girlfriend but didn't think that that was enough reason for him to stray away from me.
I guess I was too trusting or shall I say, too naive? I figured if one had no more interest in me, he would have had the courage (and honesty to his own feelings) to tell me so and move on to who he wants to be with.
I forgot to mention a packet of condoms I found under the bed. We were engaged in heavy intimacy but for some reason, I guarded my first time ever so fiercely so we never did it. But I reckon it was a matter of time that my carnal desire would get the better of me because Ive was a good lover and I was so physically attracted to him. We went to the funny condom shop at Lucky Plaza once where Ive bought me a condom wrapped in foil with the shape of a gold coin for a laugh (I might still have it around!). So I didn't think much of the condoms and reckon it was probably to prep ourselves should the occasion arise. We have always been a spontaneous couple and I still remember those fond days of our heavy petting sometimes topless in the the two storey Carousel at Clarke Quay and the dark open fields at Marina Bay,with the moonlight shining on my bare breasts as we lay on our backs on our mat or other naughty little schoolgirl public misadventures with Ive where we were still dressed in our school uniforms.
But now, in hindsight, having learn a thing or two about life, relationships and carnality, I am able to piece the puzzles together...
****
A year later after that incident at Zouk, I was studying in Australia. My old best friend, Bella attempted to make contact from Perth. She met Ive as she was dating his mate, Sam and the boys were training as pilots together. Sam (who also has a girlfriend back home) had confided in Ive about the new girl, Bella whom he was seeing. Ive asked if she has a good friend called P. Upon cross referencing,Ive realised that Sam's Bella was indeed my Bella! The world is small.
Bella confirmed that Ive was indeed still with DS. They were said to be committed and was set to get married. But silently, I wondered about the night where DS behaved intimately with Marvin. She whispered something in his ear when she eyed me initially and later on, they walked on, Marvin's arm around her shoulder, post delivering the news that only came 3 years too late to me, shattering my heart there and then...(why must I always get ditched by guys who get the person they leave me for to drop the real news wittingly or unwittingly? Cowards, they are!)
Ive then mentioned to Sam that he left me for a reason. He used the word in Mandarin "Gu Zhong" like he was placed in difficult position that compelled him to make that decision. Sam was sworn to secrecy and Bella got nothing out from him.
There was a suggestion of nostalgia on Ive've part when he recalled about our relationship to Sam. This was all Bella profferred from whatever scant information Sam would provide her.
So all I can make sense of the break up was that Ive had little choice but to make that decision to leave me...
This much I knew, 3.5 years post the break up....
*****
Today, I googled his name and was led to a blog site.
It was put up by DS, his current wife.
There are lots of happy photos of them in France where they are currently based.
Lots of baby photos.
Yes, they are proud parents of a chubby baby girl.
*****
Over the years after our break up, I do wonder about Ive.
Perhaps because I never ever got the real reason of our parting from the horse's mouth. There remained a lingering question mark.
I was in a happy place with him and then quite suddenly in one fell sweep, it swayed in the opposite direction and I was denied that happiness forever.
I hold very fond memories of Ive. I guess I'll always do despite the pain and confusion I suffered for a long while thereafter.
Somehow, the happiness still survives the most poignant and vivid of my memories for him and for us.
The rest of how I felt has grown blurry over the years, maybe it is a result of having led a few emotionally battered lives over the course of the years. Happy days are hard to come by so I hang on to what I have had and remember.
It must be a merciful relief that everything ended so quickly towards the end. Some tears but not too much fuss. I am almost glad the crime was committed on me.
Yous see, I suck at break ups- I mean, ditching someone. I don't really know how it works because I have always been at the receiving end of it, emotionally speaking. Either way, it must hurt but I guess I am never one to be first to utter those final words. I'd rather wait for it to befall on me first.
*****
I did often wondered if I could have been in the position of DS if she never re-entered his life. I used to tell him that our kids would turn out beautiful with both our features.
I did think Ive was marriage material for me and then I loved him with all my heart.I reckon he did too before she returned (I knew he had a soft spot for her but guess I didn't fully appreciate the extent until she came and put a test on him to face up to his own emotions). Then perhaps my life would have been really different from now, me contented to be a F16 fighter pilot's wife, perhaps have a government job, get married around 26 or 27, apply for a HDB flat (though I would have hated the idea) and then start having a kid before I turn 30. We would be a model PAP couple.
And then, there'll also be no Mr. London after him who played a vital role and continued to haunt my existence and shape my social ambitions for the following eight years and spillover to my current life...
Or my constant struggle to make things work with DL, or me still slightly aching over the missed bid of my swanky bachelorette apartment in that hip part of town and mainly toughing it all out financially on my own or... the list goes on...
I would live in that ignorant middle-class bliss of being in my comfortable coccoon, playing that supporting role to him. And who says it is a bad thing?
Guess there are some things and missing gaps accountable for towards the fast escalation of our break up that I'll never find out.
But today I was given the final answer that I needed to know.
Yes, he did return to DS.
And yes, she is that designated woman that he loves enough to desire having a family with.
This much I know and this is a good enough answer.
