Friday, June 13, 2008
Rebound
I have an applied theory for the purpose of rebounds.I didn't invent it- but I wanted it to make sense to me.
I used to be of the opinion that newer personal histories can confound older ones. Hopping from one affair after another once had an instantaneous quick fix way of mending my tattered heart from one guy to another. In short, it helped me to write off someone and moved on much faster with the arrival of a new beau. Usually, there weren’t any abnormalities in the sample pool of men that I have had such experiences with- let’s start from W (did some injury to my Ego) to Random George (instant write off) to Fucker A (best to permanently lose this one from memory) to M (broke my heart but managed to move on temporarily) to the Aura (whom I was heartbroken for a while and the good sex continues to haunt me. Damn!)… then came Dope (permanent grey arrangement fixture for 1 year) and simultaneously E (that came 8 years later; junior college target turned sleazebag) and back to M (came to rock my boat and broke my emotional pattern like a lingering ghost but my mind was still resilient or was it faithless? and continued moving onwards) to the Man and then Ted to Dr J & H (who broke my heart) to Nano (who caused some stress to my emotional well-being and I knew my past trauma and present guilt with DL was getting the better of me; was going to “get” him post my single hood but knew that if I didn’t succeed my then frail nerves would have driven me insane) to the Old Boy (who saved me from misery and disappointment with Nano) and simultaneously the Norwegian (that is absolutely a short fling and I will give him no more attention; but wants to return to Singapore for F1) and Koran (closest to me in spirit)… oh and that Argentinean cheap thrill of 2 weeks that I don’t care to know his proper name…
Every so often, Nano still gets suggestive about possibilities short-term and long term (would my parents mind if I married a white boy, he asked). His current focus on the opposite sex has now been Chinese. Don’t know what I have done to him, he said. Then there is my married Aussie banker friend who has just married himself a nice Singaporean girl who every so often, tries his luck to get “lucky”. DL continues to hold his feelings close to his heart- “You go meditate first.” He would say quietly. I.e. he wants me to go sort myself out first. Ever the sensible, old soul.
So yeah, having one after another was supposedly handy in not getting too “hung up” about someone. You must know that I haven’t got the best disposition to stomach casual affairs or relationships although ironically, I have always had an unwitting way of finding myself in one. I have since hoarded quite a “collection” of men of diverse backgrounds. Tall, short, fat, thin, poor and rich, married, engaged, attached and single. W, a Parisian bummer on the dole that inherited an apartment in the 9th arrondissement and who counted his Euros before buying me a drink (or me sometimes paying for drinks in big Euro bills in frustration); Random George who hailed from a pedigreed background (family owning the oldest investment bank in that part of the world, possibly with ancestors of the white colonial kind)whose enigmatic and aloof aura reminded me of a ex from long ago and strangely also had a mother who died of cancer; young M who lives his life travelling and borned by intellectual journalist parents of Chilean (but really Austrian Jews fled to Chile in WWI) and English descents; Nano, an even more similar aura to Random George also of the white pedigreed moneyed colonial descent, like Random George oldest son of 2 boys and exists as the more serious and Daddy-anxious eldest son; the married but polygamous Old Boy who is more the laid back poor little rich boy growing up with the pedigrees of old wealth associated with his boarding grammar school education abroad since high school (when yours truly was barely a toddler) and chauffer driven rides to school, but have since lost the seemingly prissy lifestyle of his childhood (though the trust fund still exists), a mummy’s boy no doubt and also somewhat a daddy fearing eldest son and then there is Koran, the brainy genius of Central Asian and Chinese descent- a modern Muslim (and like I said to him my prejudiced mum “is going to be so proud of me!” Not) with the excessive and free spirited disposition typical of the youngest child in the family. We have a similar childlikeness.
*****
Someone asked me if I was still “hung up” about him.
What if your own “newer personal histories can confound older ones” theory is proving you otherwise?
Your heart tells a different story from your mind. Even mechanical fucking seems an awful prospect; if not, disgusting.
Watching porn does nothing to spin your wheels or motivate you to snare a lover. In fact, you find you find yourself fast forwarding to the ending because perfunctory mating bores you to tears (in fact, you feel an anxiety rising within you for fear that your life could only be so moving forward; you take care to suppress it from bubbling over)
How do you get a move on?
I have an applied theory for the purpose of rebounds.I didn't invent it- but I wanted it to make sense to me.
I used to be of the opinion that newer personal histories can confound older ones. Hopping from one affair after another once had an instantaneous quick fix way of mending my tattered heart from one guy to another. In short, it helped me to write off someone and moved on much faster with the arrival of a new beau. Usually, there weren’t any abnormalities in the sample pool of men that I have had such experiences with- let’s start from W (did some injury to my Ego) to Random George (instant write off) to Fucker A (best to permanently lose this one from memory) to M (broke my heart but managed to move on temporarily) to the Aura (whom I was heartbroken for a while and the good sex continues to haunt me. Damn!)… then came Dope (permanent grey arrangement fixture for 1 year) and simultaneously E (that came 8 years later; junior college target turned sleazebag) and back to M (came to rock my boat and broke my emotional pattern like a lingering ghost but my mind was still resilient or was it faithless? and continued moving onwards) to the Man and then Ted to Dr J & H (who broke my heart) to Nano (who caused some stress to my emotional well-being and I knew my past trauma and present guilt with DL was getting the better of me; was going to “get” him post my single hood but knew that if I didn’t succeed my then frail nerves would have driven me insane) to the Old Boy (who saved me from misery and disappointment with Nano) and simultaneously the Norwegian (that is absolutely a short fling and I will give him no more attention; but wants to return to Singapore for F1) and Koran (closest to me in spirit)… oh and that Argentinean cheap thrill of 2 weeks that I don’t care to know his proper name…
Every so often, Nano still gets suggestive about possibilities short-term and long term (would my parents mind if I married a white boy, he asked). His current focus on the opposite sex has now been Chinese. Don’t know what I have done to him, he said. Then there is my married Aussie banker friend who has just married himself a nice Singaporean girl who every so often, tries his luck to get “lucky”. DL continues to hold his feelings close to his heart- “You go meditate first.” He would say quietly. I.e. he wants me to go sort myself out first. Ever the sensible, old soul.
So yeah, having one after another was supposedly handy in not getting too “hung up” about someone. You must know that I haven’t got the best disposition to stomach casual affairs or relationships although ironically, I have always had an unwitting way of finding myself in one. I have since hoarded quite a “collection” of men of diverse backgrounds. Tall, short, fat, thin, poor and rich, married, engaged, attached and single. W, a Parisian bummer on the dole that inherited an apartment in the 9th arrondissement and who counted his Euros before buying me a drink (or me sometimes paying for drinks in big Euro bills in frustration); Random George who hailed from a pedigreed background (family owning the oldest investment bank in that part of the world, possibly with ancestors of the white colonial kind)whose enigmatic and aloof aura reminded me of a ex from long ago and strangely also had a mother who died of cancer; young M who lives his life travelling and borned by intellectual journalist parents of Chilean (but really Austrian Jews fled to Chile in WWI) and English descents; Nano, an even more similar aura to Random George also of the white pedigreed moneyed colonial descent, like Random George oldest son of 2 boys and exists as the more serious and Daddy-anxious eldest son; the married but polygamous Old Boy who is more the laid back poor little rich boy growing up with the pedigrees of old wealth associated with his boarding grammar school education abroad since high school (when yours truly was barely a toddler) and chauffer driven rides to school, but have since lost the seemingly prissy lifestyle of his childhood (though the trust fund still exists), a mummy’s boy no doubt and also somewhat a daddy fearing eldest son and then there is Koran, the brainy genius of Central Asian and Chinese descent- a modern Muslim (and like I said to him my prejudiced mum “is going to be so proud of me!” Not) with the excessive and free spirited disposition typical of the youngest child in the family. We have a similar childlikeness.
*****
Someone asked me if I was still “hung up” about him.
What if your own “newer personal histories can confound older ones” theory is proving you otherwise?
Your heart tells a different story from your mind. Even mechanical fucking seems an awful prospect; if not, disgusting.
Watching porn does nothing to spin your wheels or motivate you to snare a lover. In fact, you find you find yourself fast forwarding to the ending because perfunctory mating bores you to tears (in fact, you feel an anxiety rising within you for fear that your life could only be so moving forward; you take care to suppress it from bubbling over)
How do you get a move on?
