Saturday, January 31, 2009
Wishful Thinking
Sometimes, I think it is so easy to postulate on the what ifs and the endless possibilities that could have happened than to follow through an action and allow things to have a real chance at happening...
*****
It was one of those bored days where we chatted online senselessly.
I was in a semi-depressed state, what with my boredom, having left the business with Tina hastily and angrily. From a workaholic, I swung to the role of a bored, desperate housewife. The highlight of each day was to decide what to cook for DL's lunch after my morning walk with the dog. Then I would try to read, chat online with friends or give an equally leisurely Daisy a call to see if we could go out to play- meaning karaoke, eat or Thai massage.
“ P, I am glad that you have finally found the love of your life,” Nano said.
“Thanks Nano. I think I can be happy now.”
“It's an honour for any man to bear children with you.”
“Hehehe, I don't know. I don't like children very much, you know.”
“P, I know I have screwed up. I wonder if we had persisted through, perhaps I could have made you pregnant and we would have children now...”
“Huh? That's crazy, Nano! Would you have married me though?”
“Yes, why not? But if you weren't pregnant, would you have married me, P?”
“Yes, possibly. But I needed time to know you first cos I wouldn't want to marry you on a rebound, just shortly after my break up with my long term relaionship with DL. It wouldn't have been fair for you or even me... and I didn't want people to think I married you so hastily cos I wanted to be a Mrs. O. I gave you the opportunity for us to get to know each other better. That's why I wanted to go to Manila initially. But obviously, you didn't seem too excited...”
“I am sorry P. You are always so sweet. I didn't know what to say to my parents, about me going away to a resort with a girl and then you thinking that I just wanted to take you away just for a fuck...”
“Well, you see, that's the other problem Nano. You are always tied to your old wealth patriarchal unit, always needed to respect your family tradition and listen to your Dad. I have always been a free spirit and came from that middle class background where the world is our oyster and we can go out there and fight for our dreams. I figured maybe our relationship would be affected even if we had one cos we came from very different backgrounds and upbringing...”
“I am sorry P. I would have gone out for you and fought hard if I was living overseas, away from my parents...”
“See? You were not that in love with me to want us to be together badly enough. Anyways, it's water under the bridge now. At least we are still friends now.”
“If you break off with DL this time, I will not waste any more time...”
“Oh, touch wood Nano! Now keep me company online, will you? I am so bored and depressed without anything to do.”
“Alright P (calls my Chinese name as an endearment). My ass is so whipped by a gal with a boyfriend!;)”
******
So many could haves, would haves. If Nano wasn't lacklustre in his behaviour in late 2007, my story in 2008 would have been changed. There would be no painful and depressing stories of the Old Boy that marked the last year of my twenty-something life.
And yes, maybe I would be on my way to plan a grand society wedding now. The big kind with the fireworks , the jazz bands and free flowing champagne like how I always wished for my dream wedding to be. I have always been pompous and flamboyant that way. And I will request for him to NOT adhere to family tradition and that will be, no church wedding please. Anyways, he stopped going to church about ten years ago because he said it was useless to pray. Nano recently said he could consider converting to Buddhism.
**
Mercenary society climbers have always been termed “gold diggers.” Ironically, I could well be named one if I was after the family wealth of Nano. Just the other day, I realised that the two mines his family own are indeed gold mines.
**
So these days, Nano is reduced to being a good online male buddy whose lack of physical contact and second chance with me made him shift his concern to my intimacy welfare with DL. He spent many an occasion to interject our conversation with ideas to enliven my dwindling sex life with DL, like it was his personal responsibility to make sure that one part of me is well taken care for.
A couple of weeks ago, I suggested the library of his family's charity foundation as another food for thought hot play spot for him and his new date if he had any at the moment.
“Sounds like a great idea, P!”
“I wanted to save this for us the last time. Since there isn't a chance now, I thought I should share it with you! Heheheheh,” I said cheekily.
“Oh P, you and your guilt trip again!”
“:P”
******
Whatever grandiose ideas we have harboured for each other historically or now, they will pretty much remain as mere fantasies of what could have happened.
Wishful thinking – that is what humans do best, isn't it?:)
Better to have a dream than to have one destroyed by acting on its reality.
Sometimes, I think it is so easy to postulate on the what ifs and the endless possibilities that could have happened than to follow through an action and allow things to have a real chance at happening...
*****
It was one of those bored days where we chatted online senselessly.
I was in a semi-depressed state, what with my boredom, having left the business with Tina hastily and angrily. From a workaholic, I swung to the role of a bored, desperate housewife. The highlight of each day was to decide what to cook for DL's lunch after my morning walk with the dog. Then I would try to read, chat online with friends or give an equally leisurely Daisy a call to see if we could go out to play- meaning karaoke, eat or Thai massage.
“ P, I am glad that you have finally found the love of your life,” Nano said.
“Thanks Nano. I think I can be happy now.”
“It's an honour for any man to bear children with you.”
“Hehehe, I don't know. I don't like children very much, you know.”
“P, I know I have screwed up. I wonder if we had persisted through, perhaps I could have made you pregnant and we would have children now...”
“Huh? That's crazy, Nano! Would you have married me though?”
“Yes, why not? But if you weren't pregnant, would you have married me, P?”
“Yes, possibly. But I needed time to know you first cos I wouldn't want to marry you on a rebound, just shortly after my break up with my long term relaionship with DL. It wouldn't have been fair for you or even me... and I didn't want people to think I married you so hastily cos I wanted to be a Mrs. O. I gave you the opportunity for us to get to know each other better. That's why I wanted to go to Manila initially. But obviously, you didn't seem too excited...”
“I am sorry P. You are always so sweet. I didn't know what to say to my parents, about me going away to a resort with a girl and then you thinking that I just wanted to take you away just for a fuck...”
“Well, you see, that's the other problem Nano. You are always tied to your old wealth patriarchal unit, always needed to respect your family tradition and listen to your Dad. I have always been a free spirit and came from that middle class background where the world is our oyster and we can go out there and fight for our dreams. I figured maybe our relationship would be affected even if we had one cos we came from very different backgrounds and upbringing...”
“I am sorry P. I would have gone out for you and fought hard if I was living overseas, away from my parents...”
“See? You were not that in love with me to want us to be together badly enough. Anyways, it's water under the bridge now. At least we are still friends now.”
“If you break off with DL this time, I will not waste any more time...”
“Oh, touch wood Nano! Now keep me company online, will you? I am so bored and depressed without anything to do.”
“Alright P (calls my Chinese name as an endearment). My ass is so whipped by a gal with a boyfriend!;)”
******
So many could haves, would haves. If Nano wasn't lacklustre in his behaviour in late 2007, my story in 2008 would have been changed. There would be no painful and depressing stories of the Old Boy that marked the last year of my twenty-something life.
And yes, maybe I would be on my way to plan a grand society wedding now. The big kind with the fireworks , the jazz bands and free flowing champagne like how I always wished for my dream wedding to be. I have always been pompous and flamboyant that way. And I will request for him to NOT adhere to family tradition and that will be, no church wedding please. Anyways, he stopped going to church about ten years ago because he said it was useless to pray. Nano recently said he could consider converting to Buddhism.
**
Mercenary society climbers have always been termed “gold diggers.” Ironically, I could well be named one if I was after the family wealth of Nano. Just the other day, I realised that the two mines his family own are indeed gold mines.
**
So these days, Nano is reduced to being a good online male buddy whose lack of physical contact and second chance with me made him shift his concern to my intimacy welfare with DL. He spent many an occasion to interject our conversation with ideas to enliven my dwindling sex life with DL, like it was his personal responsibility to make sure that one part of me is well taken care for.
A couple of weeks ago, I suggested the library of his family's charity foundation as another food for thought hot play spot for him and his new date if he had any at the moment.
“Sounds like a great idea, P!”
“I wanted to save this for us the last time. Since there isn't a chance now, I thought I should share it with you! Heheheheh,” I said cheekily.
“Oh P, you and your guilt trip again!”
“:P”
******
Whatever grandiose ideas we have harboured for each other historically or now, they will pretty much remain as mere fantasies of what could have happened.
Wishful thinking – that is what humans do best, isn't it?:)
Better to have a dream than to have one destroyed by acting on its reality.
