Restructure- on your own terms

I was due to check in at the airport around midnight. From memory, it was a Wednesday night. That was August last year.

My heart was heavy. I was due to fly back to Sad Town, back to the mundanity of my life. I always felt like that with every visit back home to Singapore. I was on an emotional high, what with the fanfare and hospitality I get from old friends and family and usually all that socialising with the smart set. Then returning back to Sad Town to a stagnant relationship with DL and an environment of staleness, negativity and mundanity worsened by our differences in our business, I feel a deceleration of emotions and find myself trying to psych myself mentally for the challenges and reality surrounding my joint life with DL in Sad Town. Then of course, there was the guilt that I allowed myself to be seduced and kissed another guy, Gem. I have been so good for a long while, resoluted to stay on track and not to fuck things up for DL and me (I like to think that the Man and our one-off regretful affair in March 2012 didn't count since he was an old fling and I was mad with myself for allowing that to happen since I had stuck to my course of monogamy for a good 3 years at that stage.).

 The night before I flew out of Singapore, Shania, Photo, Gem and I hung out, sort of like a farewell for me. I was looking forward to meeting Gem but since we were in a group, there was no one-to-one time. And of course, his buddy, Photo who is my friend knew nothing (though he suspected but got nothing out of us), we behaved normal as if nothing has happened. But it was awkward.  Photo and I were due to fly off to Sydney together. I had extended my stay in Singapore for various reasons-but  in a way, I was hoping to get to know Gem a little bit better (I don't think I have ever admitted to anyone until now since I hate to think I am capable of bending backwards for a stranger over nothing!). Gem had said he wasn't coming to the airport the next day to see us off so I have resigned to that sorry fate.

That night, I took my own sweet time to get to the airport feeling somewhat melancholic and pensive (since for the first time in three years, I had made peace and was finally letting the Old Boy go  in my heart). At 11.30pm, I was still on the phone with V. I was supposed to check in at 12 midnight. Shania and Photo were already at the airport and Shania texted me to let me know that the check-in queue was rather empty.

Then another text from Shania came. Hurry up. Gem is here.Come now.

My entire being lit up. Really? I felt my heart racing. I put down the phone with V and hurried my parents to get me to the airport as soon as possible.

When I was approaching the airport terminal, fate must have it that there was a traffic jam to get into the drop off area. And by the time I ran for the check in queue, I was once again one of many stuck in an extremely long queue. Shania texted me to say that they were at the Starbucks and from afar, I saw them. It felt so near and yet so far. I kept looking at my watch and felt my impatience rising. Damnit, I cursed under my breath. Great, just when I thought I could have a bit of get together time before I boarded the plane. I was stuck in that bloody queue for a good thirty minutes. I saw someone I knew from the smart set in the queue. He looked at me like he knew me (since we haven't seen each other for a few years now). I pretended not to know him so that I didn't have to make small talk and could get the hell out of that queue once I checked in and got my boarding pass and raced to Starbucks where my "beloved" Gem and friends were .

So I finally got to Starbucks after what felt like a million years to get my boarding pass and for my heavy bags to go onto the conveyor belt. We looked at each other somewhat awkwardly (as if I should expect any other emotions!)  for a moment and then he was dragged by Photo to go out for a smoke. Noooooo.... Damnit Photo! Why oh why do you have to do that? Time was running short and we were due to board the gate anytime soon. My heart sank further. How much further could it sink? To my vagina maybe? B, my other best friend would used to make that dirty joke.

Not long after the boys came back from the smoking, it was time to go. We walked to the check in area. Gem walked next to me. We were silent. It seemed like there wasn't much to say though I felt an undercurrent brewing (you know, one of those that you would never get anything out from and would forever remain as a mystery in your life that you may look back one day and re-visit in your memory ever so often when your mind is restless and wonder about it and the what ifs...). At this stage, I braced myself to enter the check in area and back to my life Down Under, a long march of life with DL I didn't know if I could ever see light at the end of the tunnel. I noticed to that Someone Up There was seriously playing a cruel joke on me. It seemed like there was some construction going on and the transparent glass windows to partition the check in gates were blocked by wooden makeshift walls. So I could NOT even do a double-take and turn and wave and watch him (and vice versa) when I walk into the check in area, as dramatically as it sounds but yes, Miss P is dramatic! You must be bloody kidding me....I didn't know whether to cry or laugh at my sad, sad fate;( But then such is the life and misadventures of Miss P. So just suck it up, P. Someone Up There is telling you that you have been a naughty, naughty girl, P and showing you all the signs of WHY you need to stick to the course...

I re-composed myself and gave Shania (who throughout my mental and emotional turmoil was oblivious as she was stuck into her whatapping, having her own messy emotional problems to deal with on the other line) a big, big farewell hug. Then as gracious and charming as Miss P could be, I opened my arms to welcome a hug (as Photo was walking in and his back facing us) from Gem. We hugged briefly and I mumbled, "I will miss you..."

I wonder if he heard me...